First, some backstory:

I was diagnosed with ADD when I was 5. I'm 23 now. I was medicated with ritalin and other things (but mostly ritalin) through most of school. It did help, but I didn't like being dependent on it, and I remember fighting with my parents about it as early as elementary school. From my perspective, it seems that they used the ritalin and sending me to a therapist as a way of 'fixing' the problem so that they could ignore it. I'd also like to add that the therapist and I never made any progress on anything, and I don't even remember us having any goals set up to be worked on except a few at the very beginning, which were quickly abandoned. At any rate, they never actually took an interest in my goals in dealing with the ADD, even though I made it very clear over the years what my goals were. (Esentially, I want to deal with it as much as I can on my own, without medication. And after 5 years off the meds, I'm making some pretty good progress there, I think.)

I'm still bitter about the whole thing, and it comes up moderately often. One of the major triggers is when my mom, who has ADD herself, gets on my case for being distractable or forgetful. She says that I should just 'learn to deal with it', which should be easy since she can. Nevermind that she was never denied the chance to learn like I was. :mad: My brother also has ADD and autism, and doesn't function as well as I do. They baby him, and that ****es me off too. Why should he be given the moon for having disabilities? I do too, and they expect the world from me and almost nothing from him.

At any rate, I want my mother to acknowledge that she was wrong to ignore my goals when I was younger, and appologize. Her response to that is to say that an appology won't change the past, and it doesn't matter anyway becasue she doesn't believe that she did anything wrong.

Am I being unreasonable here?

Yes and no ... hard to answer.

((First off how severe is his autism?))

I think ANY heart-felt apology, despite it cannot change the past, is almost always appreciated.

You and I are in the same boat in a way ... My father does little to nothing for me, but my sister (who is major depressive, has anxiety attacks) he treats her like she is made of glass and will help her with anything and everything. he expects the world from me - being able to build a castle out of tooth picks. But her? He is just glad that she has a job.

let me think a bit more on your post - and I will write more to try and help.

He's asperger's. He functions well enough to get through the day, is mainstreamed in school (but is staying another year even though he graduated) and may or may not be able to ever hold a job to support himself.

It's not their treatment of him that makes me mad so much as the difference in how they handle us. Favoritism gets me steamed. But that's a completely seperate issue. I just brought it up because it's one of the things that tends to lead into the discussion about how they used to treat me.

Heh...Yer Mom kinda sounds like my mom in a way...She's ADD herself and claims to grow out of it but sometimes she still shows signs of being ADD with procrastination...I think they are in denile that they are just as bad as us. But I do think one child should be treated any more or less special than the other...An Appology wont change the past, no, but There comes a time when we all have to own up to our mistakes.

On the other hand, we are also responsible for our own lives...and ya cant really spend a lot of time worry and feeling angry about what did or didn't happen in the past(even if it is easier said than done) ...Leave it there cause all that matters now ..is now..Focus on You in the present and set the goals and steps to prepare for the future ;). Once You make peace with the past and learn from the past...It will be easier to move on. Just me 2 cents shug

Ann, R U following me:p

He's asperger's. He functions well enough to get through the day, is mainstreamed in school (but is staying another year even though he graduated) and may or may not be able to ever hold a job to support himself.

It's not their treatment of him that makes me mad so much as the difference in how they handle us. Favoritism gets me steamed. But that's a completely seperate issue. I just brought it up because it's one of the things that tends to lead into the discussion about how they used to treat me.
Well then - they are doing him a HUGE disservice.

they can help him, by doing things adaptively so he can understand/participate, but babying him? That is not helping anyone.

I understand ... me too. My dad favors my sister over me.

If I knew a way to get my dad to see the error of his ways ... I would send you my findings in a heart beat.

Ann, R U following me:p
looks like you are following me Dwaggy.

*winks*

Draga - I hear you, and I've tried, but it's hard when it's not just in the past but in the present too. Like what I said about her getting on my case about my ADD symptoms when she's, in a way, the cause of them.

ANeededChange - I know it. They do seem to be slowly backing off and letting him handle things, though. And I encourage him to be independent, too. He's not really ready for that yet in some ways. He's going to have to want it first.

Not I..I was here first...Na Na Na:p You just type faster than me Hehehe

ANeededChange - I know it. They do seem to be slowly backing off and letting him handle things, though. And I encourage him to be independent, too. He's not really ready for that yet in some ways. He's going to have to want it first.
I agree 100% You can't help someone unless they want to be helped

*hugs Dwaggy*

Draga - I hear you, and I've tried, but it's hard when it's not just in the past but in the present too. Like what I said about her getting on my case about my ADD symptoms when she's, in a way, the cause of them.

.

I know exactly whatcha mean...sometimes they think they are helping and lookinfg out for our best interest...but they don't realize it's hurting us more than helping..Going through that with my muddah. Does yer mom cause your symptoms more cause of stress?

I meant because they had me on meds instead of letting me 'learn to deal with it' to use her words. Though the stress of dealing with her doesn't help.

I agree 100% You can't help someone unless they want to be helped

*hugs Dwaggy*

Heh and You can't force help unless they ask for it...ya do that Ya got a fight on your hands. also same situation with my mom...If I dont understand something I'll ask advice but when i dont ask and she tells me the exact opposite when I have already made up my mind to do something...Like I dunno what I am doing....I get defensive and tell her to back off. Does not help confidence when you are being treated like a total incompitant.

I meant because they had me on meds instead of letting me 'learn to deal with it' to use her words. Though the stress of dealing with her doesn't help.

Right....I gotcha ...My Mom insist on me taking meds..I think she thinks in a way the Meds are going to cure me...It may help me control it better but what mom's dont get...Our symptoms are not going to go away and without treatment it's harder 2 control & even with treatment ,...our add will always be there.

Heh and You can't force help unless they ask for it...ya do that Ya got a fight on your hands.
Sounds like exactly the problem I've had. They shoved those pills down my throat with me kicking and screaming, figuratively of course. As soon as I was old enough to be able to say no and have it count, I was off. And yet, it's MY fault that I still can't function very well without them...:p

Right....I gotcha ...My Mom insist on me taking meds..I think she thinks in a way the Meds are going to cure me...It may help me control it better but what mom's dont get...Our symptoms are not going to go away and without treatment it's harder 2 control & even with treatment ,...our add will always be there.
Yep. And the sad thing is that my mom's been on the ritalin, so she should know better!!

Sounds like exactly the problem I've had. They shoved those pills down my throat with me kicking and screaming, figuratively of course. As soon as I was old enough to be able to say no and have it count, I was off. And yet, it's MY fault that I still can't function very well without them...:p

Kinda ironic aint it. Many people can deal with ADD without the meds...More power to em..heh but for me stress+ADHD+Bipolar =one nasty equation without medication...Already lost it being off meds.

Yep. And the sad thing is that my mom's been on the ritalin, so she should know better!!


Hmmmm...Did the Ritalin work for her...She may have not been on the right meds so she thinks now meds are useless..contrary to her belief when you were younger...I mean for her to change her mind like that...there must be another reason underneath the surface.

But If you can afford meds & Docs Yourself...You are an adult woman..and mom can nag until blue in the face but final choice is yours, Ya know.

That's part of dealing with it, is an attitude adjustment. I don't let things stress me much any more, and it helps a lot. I also have learned to use parts of the autism that I have (which is mild enough to be undiagnosed, and my mom swears that I don't have), and the OCD symptoms that go with it, to counteract some parts of the ADD. For example, at work, one of the things I do is call bingo. It'd be really easy for me to get lost when I'm rolling the balls out of the cage, but I've decided that I should have /exactly/ 8, and the OCD part of me gets my attention going for that bit.

Hmmmm...Did the Ritalin work for her...She may have not been on the right meds so she thinks now meds are useless..contrary to her belief when you were younger...I mean for her to change her mind like that...there must be another reason underneath the surface.

But If you can afford meds & Docs Yourself...You are an adult woman..and mom can nag until blue in the face but final choice is yours, Ya know.No, it worked for her. That's not it. She can function without it and doesn't understand why I can't function as well as she can.

I'm not taking the ritalin now, by the way. I haven't for years.

That's part of dealing with it, is an attitude adjustment. I don't let things stress me much any more, and it helps a lot. I also have learned to use parts of the autism that I have (which is mild enough to be undiagnosed, and my mom swears that I don't have)


The Hard thing about mental health is dx's..Like My Bipolar...Causes Social anxiety disorder tenancies in me and Crappy social skills.....etc.....just like ADHD makes me like Oppositional Defiant and a Lil maybe...err have problems with reading comprehension. It's like they cause a combo of other symptoms of mental health that we may or may not have...ack mesa such a basket case

The Hard thing about mental health is dx's..Like My Bipolar...Causes Social anxiety disorder tenancies in me and Crappy social skills.....etc.....just like ADHD makes me like Oppositional Defiant and a Lil maybe...err have problems with reading comprehension. It's like they cause a combo of other symptoms of mental health that we may or may not have...ack mesa such a basket case
That must be hard. If I didn't have the emotional control that I have learned in the past few years, I'd have to be on meds, no questions asked. As it is, I still have off days whenever I get a little stressed.

No, it worked for her. That's not it. She can function without it and doesn't understand why I can't function as well as she can.


I'm not taking the ritalin now, by the way. I haven't for years.

Just because she can...doesn't mean everyone on earth can even if you are her child it's either a mild case or severe, I had kinda a wonder since Bipolar was passed on from my grandmother and ADHD from my mother...could be the reason my symptoms are so severe and hard to control...Mild+Mild=Severe

Well, does she show signs still of ADD Like my mom does? I think the denile of how bad they really are could play a hand in it...and for some...they could be ashamed or embarrassed that they might need meds to control themselves...and so they convince themselves they can do without..easier than dealing with the reality....Just a theory...Too much therapy on me part...but I try to understand my mothers actions as well as my own so I thought of a lot of possible answers for why we BOTH act the way we do.

That must be hard. If I didn't have the emotional control that I have learned in the past few years, I'd have to be on meds, no questions asked. As it is, I still have off days whenever I get a little stressed.


Well of course we all have them days, controled or not we are after all human;)

Do ya want to be back on ritalin or even something else...like dexadrine or strattera?

She has the symptoms and acknowledges them. But even though she has the symptoms, any time I do something ADD-ish, she gets on my case. And then when I say, 'well, it's the ADD, and I'm still working on it', she starts in on how I should be handling it better by now.

Do ya want to be back on ritalin or even something else...like dexadrine or strattera?
I would rather not have to be, though I would in some situations. As it stands now, I can hold the job I have without them, so no. If I found a better job but needed the meds to do it, I might go on them. It would depend on the situation.

She has the symptoms and acknowledges them. But even though she has the symptoms, any time I do something ADD-ish, she gets on my case. And then when I say, 'well, it's the ADD, and I'm still working on it', she starts in on how I should be handling it better by now.

Ok yeah.....I have answer to yer question now, hell no you are not over reacting..how can she expect you to get any better generating such negative engery and influence towards you...Ok...Shug me thinks Ya need to 4get mom and tell her BITE ME and put up a brick wall and dont let her negativity effect you......Hell we both need to do that...She can think what ever she wants...U gotta do what's best for u.;)

That's what I thought, too. Society's so 'family' oriented that it's hard to know when I'm being reasonable and when I'm just bucking the trend out of habit sometimes.

You & Mom remind me of Sis and myself...We both see our sides of things but like your mother my sister doesn't wanna try to make effort and just doesn't wanna talk about it....Heh...She is still my blood I just have to accept the fact that she can't change anymore than I can....easier said than done.....Dat what Draga says, but Melly...It worries her.

...I want my mother to acknowledge that she was wrong to ignore my goals when I was younger, and appologize....
Am I being unreasonable here?
Totally unreasonable!
You are trying to change your mother.
This is an impossible task.

What will happen if your mother never does what you want?

You can never change another person, only yourself.
You can change your attitude, your view of the situation, and then you can change how you are dealing with the situation. Then you will go forward in life.

I didn't read this in a book, I learned it the hard way in my own life. :o

Actually, what you're saying comes more under 'unrealistic', in my book. And I knew that...