This has to be one of the best boards I've seen for ADD/OCD related subjects. I have some ADD but mostly OCD, and a whole lot of depression and addiction personality in me. I thought I'd post this because reading through some of the posts is kind of comforting and nice to relate to. I guess what it boils down to for me is I have a major drinking issue, and I'm quite aware of it and also out of control with it, at times. Maybe there's some other drinkers who'll relate and want to talk.

I don't have what I think is classic alcoholism, mine is typically, grab a bottle of hard liquor and some soda and come home and drink my self silly for the evening. That's six to seven days a week. It's just a need. Like coming home from work, there's the store, making a run for it. I grew up pretty middle class, only child for most of my years, moving around from home to home and city to city with my parents, nothing horrible like abuse or anything like that.. just something hit me around 22 or so (I'm 27) that caused me to start drinking. A lot. Like I can pound them down faster than anyone I have met and it's pretty scary at times. I guess what I like about ADD/related illnesses is that we all know that when there is something inside, we can't exactly stop those needs. Like I have had OCD-type issues since I was a kid and those come and go now and I know in my mind they're not what I should be doing, but I'll still want to do them.

It's like this hidden beast inside. We can have good intentions and still be good people, but whatever is inside, whether it be mental, hereditary, genetic, social or otherwise, it's hard to tame. I can stop drinking for days (although often with a lot of struggle) but then I think about how nice it is to be drunk. Part of me thinks, why struggle with this and just cave in and be drunk? But really, the clear thinking side of me hates the feeling of waking up in the morning hungover and bloated.. the weight gaining.. the social isolation I've led myself into, ruininig friendships, wrecking a terrific thing I had with a girlfriend. I'm not the sort who is AA-material. I feel quitting liquor is something I deal with when the time is right and then seek the help, and AA just isn't my kind of thing because I'd go, and then leave and go get a bottle or go out for a half dozen drinks at a bar. It's a mindset I suppose. Is anyone struggling with drinking now? Or in the past?

It's pretty hard talking about this because most people just say "stop" or "get help" but I think we all know it often comes from within you to want to stop. I did see a psychiatrist about depression and drinking and she was helpful but what can anyone really do except encourage. This is such a nasty thing to carry!

Maybe there really is a direct correlation between artist/writers and drinking after all.

William

William: Must say I appreciate your honesty with regard to this subject...it is one I know a little about...having grown up with ETOHism in my family....my dad has it....and so have been a member of alanon for many years.....so I have not struggled with drinking but I have watched my father struggle.....although he never admitted he has a problem.....

In your case, it sounds like to me that the alcohol has you in a pretty painful place.......as you talk about the consequences of the drinking....the social isolation, loss of friendships, etc...feeling hungover and bloated and weight gain....etc...

I have sat in a few A.A. rooms by the way....I understand that it's not for you right now....maybe someday it will be.....maybe the question is, do you need to deal with the inner beast or your demons first before you think about dealing with the drinking.....? OR is the drinking part of the inner beast? Probably only you can answer that.....I do appreciate your struggle William....addictions: they're tough....I once heard a good definition of an addiction: a pathological relationship to a substance with life-damaging consequences....

or never being able to get enough of what we don't want in the first place...:(

William it takes a lot of courage for you to post this. I commend you for doing so!

You are right there is no simple answer to stop drinking or abusing any other substance for that matter. Everybody is different. I think there has to be something that goes off inside of each of us to make us stop. It's hard to explain it but I think we each know what it is when it goes off.

Have you read the book The Link Bewtween ADD an ADDiction by Wendy Richardson?
http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?s=&threadid=191

It's a great book. It discusses why programs like AA sometimes don't work well for people with AD/HD. It also suggests ways to make AA work. Like not beating yourself up for getting to a meeting late or not feeling bad about not be able to sit through a whole meeting, etc.

There's a lot more to the book too.

We are all here to support you and I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to post.

i wish to echo what joan and tara said william.ive never struggled w/alcoholism but like joan its bigtime in my family.and theyve had a rough time w/it.like joan said due to lots of denial about having problem inthe first place.BUT youtalk openly and honestlyabout it and i giveyou lots of credit for that.hangin there william.it will all makesense soon.you willknow what todo.and when to do it.

What I am about to say is not said in a mean spirit or anything even close to it. Its said from experience. Many times we call ourselves alcoholics and discuss our shortcomings and why we are terminally unique from the answer to cull from ourselves and others permission to continue. Self honesty is harder than honesty with others.

Oh man Crissy, did you hit a chord with me....I want to think I'm terminally unique....that is DIFFERENT from the rest....that I'm not a "garden variety" sugar addict....(that's my addiction)......as rationalization to use to keep me eating sugar.....:(

Self honesty? Yup, pretty hard for me especially when it comes to stuff I just don't want to look at....

I often need to sit back and strip off my "I'm different" outift in a days time. I do it simply because Im not good at staying in pain. Hugs Joan, youre so cool.

William...the time will come when you know you MUST quit. For me it was when I was helping my daughter with an Indian Princess craft project that involved wood burning. As I followed the pencil outline on our totem pole piece she asked me "Daddy, why are your hands shaking?" I instantly knew that her future wellbeing rested in my shaking hands and I just had to quit. Quitting took a number of months but that one shakey moment was the epiphany.

Swede

Hey William,

I, too, appreciate your honesty and openess-- I think it's awesome that you are taking the first step towards helping yourself, which is thinking about your problem and talking about it. A lot of us here can relate-- I know I can. Right now I have almost 5 days clean. Doesn't sound too long ... believe me, it feels like forever.

I did the NA and AA thing for awhile, and it really didn't work for me, either. I couldn't get into the whole social thing-- I was too far gone. Maybe in the future I'll look into it, but right now I'm content to go to my on-campus support group once a week and therapy. I do recommend that you seek counseling if you haven't already. You'll need support in order to stay clean, and sometimes just having to tell somebody you screwed up is enough to keep you clean, believe me. If you have OCD, you're probably an over-achiever, and you hate letting yourself and others down. Just don't be too hard on yourself!

Somebody on this site posted something that I really think might help. It's kind of a scare tactic, but it worked for me, for now. Look at the brain scans of people who use alcohol compared to those with normal-- or even ADD-- brains at www.brainplace.com

Take care of yourself.
Best Wishes,
Julia

clueless you doood!.. Five days is great! Don't forget to post here, pm, or phone someone "before" going back.. ;^)
Stay cool guy..
Cheers! Ian... five days and then some.. < g >

Hey Ian! I will.....how long do you have clean?

Managed to stay away from my drinking buddies today *crosses fingers*....although they called me to see what i was up to. luckily, i can use work as an excuse (would be a good thing if i was actually DOING some work, wouldn't it.......hmmmmm....)

oh, and i'm a girlie .... Don't know if you knew that, hehe

Keep it up, girlie! I have been 20 years sober and it does get better. For me, the only downside is that, after I quit, I had to face the real me. That's the main reason I started drinking in the first place.

Don't rule out AA. 90 meetings in 90 days kept me accountable and kept me too busy to fall prey to the "drinking buddies". After you have put some distance between yourself and the bottle, you can begin to put some distance between yourself and the old buddies. As painful as it may seem now, they won't seem half as clever after you see them with sober eyes.

Hang in there. If you really feel the need to have one, stop in here and drop a message first. Won't taste as good but there's no hangover. Keep us informed on your progress.

clueless my dry date: March 26th 1990. Recently I have lost the primary requirement for membership. I have been very active in AA and have sponsered a few NA members.

The sober life was a painful thing in the beginning. Just like Arbuck says above.. being face to face with the real me made my first year hell. I was a weenie arsed little puke who thought he knew everything.. the come down was brutal.

The memories of that first year keep me focused quite well on the continuing task of developing a living humility that can lead to healthier happier things.

Unfortunately it's impossible for anyone to "sell" you on the merrits of the program but I promise you if the results sound of miricle perportions don't doubt it. It made it possible for me to join the world as an adult in stead of remaining a junenile boy.

I'd love to hear more of how your are making out. Good, Bad, Ugly.. never mind.. I'll be glad to have it all.

Cheers! Ian.

one year would be awesome, let alone fourteen years! that is so inspiring. -- I am seriously considering going back to NA or possibly even AA ... my social life is really non-existent right now, except for a few close friends that are questionably good ones-- they have a lot of their own issues, i guess. and it's hard to stay clean when you don't have people support. i had a good experience the last time i went, it's just i've gotten so that i'm quiet in social situations and it's hard for me to get close to people-- i wasn't like that before drugs at all, i was always really outgoing.

right now i'm not really in any danger of using-- i'm too depressed for that. using is something i do when i feel good. i couldn't even haul *** to the liquor store, even if i wanted to. i just feel kind of stuck. ironically enough, my family (whom I'm living with right now) is complaining that i'm "so hard to live with"-- when i was drinking they would tell me how good i was doing (because i was always happy and i hardly ever complained about anything). not a whole lot of support going there.

i really want to move out, but i don't have any money (i'm a full-time student).

i'm going to stop taking over william's thread now (sorry william!). but the next thing i have to say pertains to you, too ... my therapist told me that while you abuse substances your brain stops making endorphins altogether, and that after you quit using it takes a long time for your mind to start making them again. ..... so depression is to be expected.

i guess i'll just have to ride it out.

pm any time clueless. Post often, post long, post short.. but post before you use. Someone will be here to back you.

As far as meetings go. If you have the opportunity to check out a bunch of different meetings do so. Get to every one that is offered in your area to find one that really strikes you as "on". Then 90 days and 90 meetings work for many.

I hardly saw my family for the first year and I was a miserable SOB all the while. I too was a "happy drunk" but without some living skills and a good clear idea of who I was I could not come close to living comfortably in my own skin. It's come around somewhat. < g >

AA/NA are simple programs, but not easy. The trouble with the twelve step programs is that you actually have to work the program to have any movement. Get a sponser that scares the crap out of you. < g >

Please keep in touch and don't hesitate to start a new thread.

Cheers! Ian.

William,

Not stating fact, but opinion, please bear with me. At this point, there are two beasts. I know both of them. The first is the one I have, and has never gone away. It's the one that tortures me everyday, but it's mine, it belongs to me. The second, is the alcohol. It is not mine and I make no claim for it. No matter who it is, if they drink, they fall under the power of alcohol. It's a brutal viscious cycle, using one beast to quell the other, when in reality they feed each other.
I've been free of alcohol since june, 1997. I went to so many a.a. meetings I can't even give the statistics. I sometimes went 3 times a day. I was sponsored and sponsored others. I will stop short of saying I'm an alcoholic though. I am not, and a.a. did not get rid of the other beast.

Right now, i'm still struggling with the first beast, but in the end, I will win. Point is, if I was drinking, there would be no chance to deal with either.
I've always felt that any kind of pill is no good, but hell, try getting serenity if you have adhd. I'm giving up my struggle and that damned sick feeling that is with me all the time. I'm going to see a dr. and take the meds. But first, I spent a long time dealing with alcohol. I can't see letting alcohol into my life ever again. I hate when other ppl, places or things have power over me and my life, and that is exactly what alcohol does. It's like seeking oblivion rather than relief. You just get tired of feeling what you feel day after day and it takes alcohol to beat it down, right? I can appreciate your steering away from family issues with your statement of being "middle class". Ask yourself, "why did I say that"?

The natural beast within doesn't control me, it sickens me. I have used it in the past as a source of power, kinda like getting very angry gives me power. It's all a dirty rotten trick dude. It's false.
I'm willing to help if you want.
Tim

Originally posted by itschaotic
Recently I have lost the primary requirement for membership.






Hehe, I didn't fit in there to the degree that i would have to go to meetings and defend myself by pointing out that the ONLY requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Imagine my brash comments and ability to openly talk about very personal subjects that may seem to have nothing to do with alcohol, LOL, imagine the looks of disgust, but I never gave up.......
That fellowship of our drinking buddies is the same fellowship of a.a. members., but i never really felt a belonging to either.
I think it ****ed them off a little. I know it did, because some of the members went out of their way to entrap me and I went to prison....only to return and remind them AGAIN, the only requirement for membership is a desire.......
That tanacity freed me from alcohol, and that same tenacity will free me from adhd.

I don't trust rule sets that aren't dynamic. I need to be aware of all those things I do to myself that keep me down. Easier said than done..

I don't care if it's ice cream.. but in the past it's been smoking.. sugar.. weed.. what ever.. I'm not the fussy type when it comes to being hard on myself.

I'm not drinking pots of coffee any more or smoking or many of the behaviours that were keeping me limited to a short supply of energy. I still struggle with this point thought.

It took me a while to become willing to try the meds for ad/hd but things got bad enough and I opened my mind a bit. They have proven to be a great help.

I'm not interested in loosing touch with myself and others these days. I'm wanting only to join in some successes.

Bluesman your comments about the two beasts was very close to home for me. Thanks.

It took me a while to figure out, in a.a., the direct connection between a.a. language and simple psychology. It actually bent my mind and I suffered. For instance, it's a group and we all want to fit in. On one hand they say be true to yourself, but on the other, we want ppl to like us. The Big Book, as far as I know does not say anything about wanting ppl to like us, but it has come up in many meetings. The correlation is to co-dependance.
The way I recovered was to go to meetings where the group consience (sic) was no feedback, no crosstalk etc. That way I had to walk out of there bearing the weight of what I said.
Wiliam has done an excellent job of naming his own roadblocks.
He said that he would probably go to meetings and then drink afterword. Well, we know that there is guilt and remorse from every drunk we've been on. When you go to a meeting and talk about your problems (not your accomplishments) we are actually learning about remorse and redemption. So even if he goes out again, which is a common desire for beginnners, the only requirement is a desire and each meeting is another chance to quit. Another chance at forgiveness and redemption, which takes us to spirituality because God will forgive over and over again.
Humans will not. I can relate to the comment about admitting to others what we can't admit to ourselves. Personally, I was and am known for honesty and faith. When it came to that step, I just could not admit to another human being one or two things.
Fortuantely, I could admit them to myself and eventually I read the 12 traditions and saw there that in the end it is only necessary to admit to myself those things in order to achieve the sucess i desired. I went as far as I could in a.a. and it worked. I have a certain amount of inner peace and I certainly do have a higher power (that i call god) which I never had before.
God the father, I did not have a child/father relationship. My opinion is that you will have a very difficult time with spirtuality and god if you don't have a loving relationship with your father.
I'm going to stop there. I left a.a. because it won't help me with the beast, which i know for certain is the adhd, but I did the extra work in a.a. and have recieved the extra benfits.
The best satisfaction in my life is to be fit to recieve god and to be used as an instrument to help others. In other words I have the ability to seperate from ego and pride so god can do his work.
Unfortunately, in American society, I am a loser and it's time to work on that and make a life for myself now and the future.
Peace
Tim