I am new to this, and I don't know that title is appropriate... but it is how I feel much of the time. I've been with my fellow for two years, but the last six months I feel his ADD is either getting worse or my patience and energy is running out. He will secretly admit that he has ADD (a vague diagnosis from childhood that neither himself or his parents will openly discuss).

Just this last two weeks he has read a few articles that I have given him on ADD and what he gets out of it are new ways that "I" must change to help his condition. It's always up to ME... me to help him.... me to get him organized... me to clean up the constant mess he leaves...me to bail him out of whatever mess he has gotten himself into....me to help me be on time when he has left everything to the last possible second (again!)....me to help him stay focussed on something he wants to do but knows that he will get distracted (but heaven help me if I don't word the focus-making suggestions properly).

I love this man, we've bought a house and set a wedding date...... but I feel that I'm going to go crazy with all the self-sacrificing that he needs from me. I've realized that enabling him doesn't help him learn to pull his own crap together, so when I back off, he get's upset and claims I've abandoned him in his time of need. BUT if I need help with something it's a totally battle and a 20 minute dancing of asking/pleading/negotiating.

Is this how it is? is this what my life with him is going to be like always???

No No No! It is not how it is...Most ADDers are independant and can do for themselves as well as family.....What HE and only HE needs to do is to finally go to a psyciatrist and get a confirmed diagnosis and go from there to help get this under control, as far as you abandoning him....he needs to wake up and realize you are more there trying to help him now as a person than ever before...n if he doesn't wanna believe it from ya....Hehe Send him here;) We can set him straight.....

Actually that is an idea to get him into the forums....The Best place to learn how to cope and get support...we can do that fer both of ya....but that too is his decision...If he is not willing to learn to help himself and let others take care of him...then there is defently something else wrong there...like everyone else we can do for ourselves.

I hope for the best for the two of ya, Welcome to the forums, Mitten.:)

I do help my husband if asked but mostly it's minor things like helping to find his keys or to remind him of something. Otherwise, he takes care of his own business. He does stumble occassionally but don't we all?

It is not your job to be his mother or caregiver and it's hard not to want to help but you're not to blame for his problems. He needs to learn to cope on this own.

So that he can cope on his own, you'll need to learn not get caught up in his manipulation. I'm sure he's not doing this with evil intentions but it's affecting you negatively. It's ok to let him struggle if the situation isn't life or death. If he fusses, call a friend and go out for coffee or go for a walk.

Think of getting some counseling on your own and reading more about co-dependency. This has really helped me.

Being the one with ADD, i actually resent my husband trying to tell me how to organize myself better - what works for him doesn't always work for me. And my difficulties are not his problem to solve.

So, what Draga said - send him this-a-way; and what Karen said - not your job to pick up his pieces.

Good luck.

For God's sake don't marry him until:

1) He gets structured medical help with his ADD (and perhaps other problems) and a plan to make it better.

2) He goes to couple's counseling with you.

3) You and he draw up an agreement as to who should assume what responsibilities and he sticks to it.

4) He stops manipulating you.

Thanks for all the thoughts so far......the more I read here the more I feel that this is a hard road to travel along and I'm not sure that a person with ADD is worth the effort it takes to be with them. Perhaps love is NOT enough (?) Thanks again for your responses!

Ah. I don't see anyone that attributed all of your boyfriend's behavior to ADD. Have you been able to figure out what parts of his behavior have to do with ADD and what parts with other problems? That's what's hard for all of us sometimes. At some point, taking responsibility must figure in there.

I'm not sure that a person with ADD is worth the effort it takes to be with them. Perhaps love is NOT enough (?)

Umm, this part bothers me. I'm ADHD and the idea that we're not "worth the effort" is very sad to me. What are the reasons you wanted to marry him? Why did you fall in love with him in the first place? Okay, so maybe love is not enough, however that plus commitment, respect, understanding,etc. is.

I'm not trying to be rude, please know that. I do think that the idea that ADHDers commit these horrible offenses, or even just annoy those they may be around, lends to nonADHDers not understanding that those without it are not perfect either. The ADHDer has to put up with a lot from the normie as well, and if we're defining worth by the degree of annoyance produced, then who says they're worth it? Possibly the "trouble" of being with a ADHD person is not worth it -to YOU. However, one's own worth is not, or should not be, defined by the acceptance of another. Like I said, I'm not trying to be rude, this is just what I feel about a general consensus from many norms that I know, that we're some kind of burden or trial.

I'm not sure that a person with ADD is worth the effort it takes to be with them. Perhaps love is NOT enough (?) Thanks again for your responses!

Maybe. Maybe not. I think that when the addult (I am ) is able to take a deep breath and really look at his/her behaviors and be motivated enough to take responsibility and control of his/her life....well yeah, I then hope that the significant other will find that the effort is worth it. It takes love and then some..... good luck.

Thanks for all the thoughts so far......the more I read here the more I feel that this is a hard road to travel along and I'm not sure that a person with ADD is worth the effort it takes to be with them. Perhaps love is NOT enough (?) Thanks again for your responses!

Forgive me if I sound harsh...dont wanna come off sounding that way but I will be damned if i am going to hold my tounge!To come into a forums full of ADDers and say that we are not worth the effort of love......I hope you did not think we would not be down right insulted!

Anyone to ask that question should be asking themselves,"Am I really in love" When you are in love you accept him for who he is as a person and SHOULD NOT BE BASED on a chemical embalance we were all born with.

I have been on the recieving end of that question more than one occasion...and I tell ya what if they can't accept me for who I am THEY are not worth it.

Are we worth it...to say someone is worth it or not should not be based on a disablity......there is more to us than just our ADD. Before pass such judgement on anyone......why not take a step up from the NORMIE evolutionary ladder and try to understand and learn about us and what it is like to live with this day in and day out.....Or would you rather mind be shut too......If that is the case.....4get this relationship cause it's not fair to him or to you to stay together when one is unwilling and not strong enough to handle the other.

Just as he has to be responsible, you must take responsibility for your part in this situation. You admit that you have enabled him and now want to walk away without trying to correct your own actions? If you don't face your enabling behaviours, you will probably repeat them.

The more I see of people the more I realize that none of us are perfect or undamaged and ADD alone doesn't make a person "not worth it."

Thanks for all the thoughts so far......the more I read here the more I feel that this is a hard road to travel along and I'm not sure that a person with ADD is worth the effort it takes to be with them. Perhaps love is NOT enough (?) Thanks again for your responses!
**** Hi, fellow non add'er here. Love alone is NOT enough to bridge the ADD (or any) gap like this. As distracted23 said, there are other things that must factor in like commitment, respect, understanding, enjoying the other's company, etc. Presumably those things are there in some degree if you have purchased a home together and have agreed to marry him.

IMHO, the question you need to ask yourself is: do I love, respect, and enjoy this person enough to make the effort required to be with an ADD person for the rest of my life? Because it *is* a lot of effort to try to understand and live with an ADD'er. You DO need to decide if this person is worth your time and effort. Just don't put it all on the ADD; there HAS to be other good AND bad things about him. Make a list and see where the chips fall. Maybe he's not worth the effort; maybe he is. Only you can make that decision.

Sometimes the hardest thing you have to do is nothing. Except smile, take a deep breath, count to 10, and fill your mind with all of the positive things about them. At the end of the day, you only control yourself and your own actions. Trying to manage someone else's life for them is a no win situation. It will only make you angry, crazy, and leave you feeling emotionally drained.

At_wits_end

Outstanding reply
Yes these things happen to me ( I play the ADD part )
When I see elderly couples who are disabled who help eachother I am reminded of the Vows I said in the sight of God.
Do you remember these Vows?
Were they just words to a saying at the end of a marraige ceremony?
I made a promise a while ago......and I'm keeping it.




**** Hi, fellow non add'er here. Love alone is NOT enough to bridge the ADD (or any) gap like this. As distracted23 said, there are other things that must factor in like commitment, respect, understanding, enjoying the other's company, etc. Presumably those things are there in some degree if you have purchased a home together and have agreed to marry him.

IMHO, the question you need to ask yourself is: do I love, respect, and enjoy this person enough to make the effort required to be with an ADD person for the rest of my life? Because it *is* a lot of effort to try to understand and live with an ADD'er. You DO need to decide if this person is worth your time and effort. Just don't put it all on the ADD; there HAS to be other good AND bad things about him. Make a list and see where the chips fall. Maybe he's not worth the effort; maybe he is. Only you can make that decision.

Sometimes the hardest thing you have to do is nothing. Except smile, take a deep breath, count to 10, and fill your mind with all of the positive things about them. At the end of the day, you only control yourself and your own actions. Trying to manage someone else's life for them is a no win situation. It will only make you angry, crazy, and leave you feeling emotionally drained.

At_wits_end

OUCH! I certainly did not mean to offend (and to be honest, I thought I was posting this is the non-ADD partner support area). Please understand from my non-ADD point of view, giving and giving has left me with more than a few bad days (on one of those in which I wrote this) wondering if you have want it takes to work with this and whether the pay-off of a happy life is going to come. I'm new at this and feel like I'm drowning while trying to help another that I love. Perhaps this is not the arena in which to vent (?)

Yes, you are absolutely correct. You are posting in the correct forum. I and no doubt many others answer posts in response to the subject line. My apologies for being in the wrong place.

correct forum, perhaps the wording was a bit off....but, yes, everyone needs to vent. and if your post was exactly that, then ok.

And everyone has given good advice - you are not his mother, his problems are not for you to solve, and for heaven's sake do not marry him until you find a way to work out the little stuff, because in the end, it is the little stuff that kills a relationship.

Tonight is probably not a good night for me to be posting/answering, because I am still feeling the fallout from last nights "tiff" with my husband.....grrrrr. but at least we are being civil with one another.

and this is a good place to know/understand that we all come with our perspective. We have our baggage which includes our past experiences. Recognizing where our own issues begin/end is a learning process.

It is important for me to understand my boundaries....what are my issues and what I am projecting onto my partner. Not an easy lesson yet an essential one to master if communication is to flow easily, remain productive and be open and honest. good luck.

Little Mitten,
I speak as a person with ADHD, and I am aware that this forum is for Non-ADD Partner Support.
There are some things I can accept and deal with when I'm in a close relationship with another person, and some I can't.
I absolutely cannot be in an intimate relationship with someone who is a drug addict or alcoholic, or even someone who has an occasional drink. As a recovered addict/alcoholic, this is essential for my survival, and it is non-negotiable.
I would give a person who wanted and needed help all the assistance humanly possible to go into and stay in recovery, but I can not allow myself to become emotionally attached to them unless they become drug free.
Is this cold or uncaring of me? Not all all. This is just something that I cannot deal with in a relationship, and it is not negotiable.
On the other hand, I do believe that I could love and marry a woman who was severely physically handicapped, say a parapalegic, and who needed complete and total physical care and assistance at all times, even to the point of dressing, bathing and feeding her.
If I am in a relationship with someone, they need to understand that I have ADHD, and they can do a lot to help me. I had a girlfriend last year who understood that I was always going to forget or misplace my keys, so whenever we left the house or the car, she would make me physicall pull my keys out of my pocket and show them to her, to verify that I wasn't going to lock them in the house or the car.
She was always very kind when she did this, and I was always grateful to her for it.
However, I did not expect her to be a wet-nurse to me, and it sounds like that's what you're having to do with your BF.
ADD or not, his behavior is not acceptable.

Good grief, Ms. Moderator. Agree or disagree with this person's viewpoint, but please don't jump on her and make her feel unwelcome. This is the place for non-Add partners --it's good to vent. I think she's getting some good advice, but be gentle with the judging part.

She was always very kind when she did this, and I was always grateful to her for it.

Swamp Donkey-----Was this an issue that you and your girlfriend discussed and agreed upon in advance?

My point: I would like to let my partner know where and when I need help and how I would like the help. No criticism allowed! Not fair!

It should be help in accomplishing a task that is really a problem, one that I just can't seem to "get a handle on" or in the case of keys....my little hands on! ;) And likewise, I would like to assist my partner.

However, I did not expect her to be a wet-nurse to me, and it sounds like that's what you're havingto do with your BF.
I know that I have choices. Do I really have to something that does not work for me....something that I
a. don't want to do
b. can't do
c. shouldn't do
d. something that my partner is really capable of doing. Absolutely not!
If I do, well, I just think that I am doing the relationship a great disservice/injustice; damage, which I believe, in the end result, just creates more resentments. :(

This thread has been thought provoking, triggering many emotions and thoughts. peace

I’m so glad I found this forum today. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

I too feel as though my ADHD boyfriend is sucking the life out of me. I love him. I am in love with him.
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I too have wondered if love is enough, and if this struggle is “worth it”. It is not that he as a person is not worth it. I can understand the offense that was taken earlier in this thread surrounding this topic. He is loveable and wonderful. I love him and I will always will. What I wonder is if love is enough for us to be able to build a life together. It is often as frustrating for him as it is for me - that is an important thing to note in the whole "is it worth it" discussion.
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From my side of things I am feeling that the clutter he creates can be overwhelming. The chaos can be overwhelming. And he has endless excuses for the clutter and chaos. I feel as though I’m always bailing him out and babying him, being careful to not say too much so that he will not blow up or freak out. I hang in there because there are of course really good things that work between us. And I hang in there because he often promises that things will be different after the current crisis is over. I’m beginning to doubt that this is really true. It has not been true so far. It has been one self-inflicted crisis after the next.

I feel that I often need to revolve around his life, his needs, his crises in order to keep things together. As I noted above, he sometimes makes promises to me that things will be different, yet more often it is the case that when I occassionally express needing his support for something going on in my life and he blows up and accuses me of being selfish and feeling "bombarded by my needs". This is very perplexing because honestly, I do not ask for support very often but I go to great lengths to bail him out and give him my support.

I'm sure that I have enabled this whole dynamic to an extent. I believe in the idea of a partnership where each person puts their own needs aside - to a degree - when the other has a crisis. I'm very willing to put my stuff aside when there's something more urgent going on with my partner. I'm confused because it appears that his wants and responsibilities are consistently more critical than mine and he creates one urgent crisis after the next - and has an endless bag of excuses for why things are "just really stressful" for him right now and why there is nothing he can do to keep his life from being chaotic.
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I’m not sure what I should do, but I’ve come to this forum to learn and for some support. I know that I need help and that I’m very confused. I know that I love him and want to work things out between us. And I also know that he lives in such drastic chaos and either does not see it or just won't acknowledge it. It seems as though he has an excuse for everything – why there is no other way he can do things and won't take responsibility for his choices and his actions. I feel that I am apologizing to him on a daily basis for things I could do differently and that he won't apologize for blowing up at me or disregarding me. He has an excuse for everything. Sometimes I am the "reason" for his behavior. And other times, the "unavoidable" chaos is his reason.

Sometimes I begin to wonder if the problem really *is* me - and if I'm just inflexible and selfish as he puts it. I start to wonder if I'm going a little crazy and losing perspective. Maybe I'm really just too picky or expect too much. And then I think about all the crisis I've bailed him out of, and I look around this place - at all the filthy chaos - I mean filthy, unsanitary chaos - and I feel in my gut that something's just not right. And I don't think I can live like this long term. We talk about getting married and having kids, but I don't see how it could work in such a dirty and chaotic environment. I'm not a neat freak by any means, however, I also find myself feeling frustrated that he won't - or can't - just keep things *somewhat* clean and orderly. If for no other reason than to save himself some time and heartache. He is always stressed to the max by all the chaos but creates it like a tornado. I realize that this is probably something I just can't relate to. I'm not trying to judge him for this. I really just don't get it and it seems like self-inflicted destructive torture. I don't know how I can truly help him or make this any better. Taking care of him doesn't seem to ultimately help. Talking to him about it doesn't usually work too well either because he does not like to take responsibility and becomes unusually defensive no matter how gentle I am with him.

So I sometimes find myself wondering if it really is just me - he can sound very rational and convincing when he's blaming me. Yet I feel strongly in my gut that things just aren't right. It is confusing. He is a respected professional, with strong friendships and a great personality. We have years of history together and I love him. He's intelligent and creative. He's very loving - when he's not defensive and freaking out. It's not like he's unable to function in the world. But there's this self-defeating and self-destructive behavior and chaos in his life that spills over into mine and causes stress for both of us. He does not acknowledge that it affects me or that there is any other way of living. It's very distressing to me.

Maybe it's the excuses that are the most frustrating and sometimes lead me to feel as though I'm living in chaotic "crazyland". I think I might see this differently if he was able to say something like, "I'm really messy and I like drama, and I don't want to change it", or "I do want to change it", or whatever. You know, instead of denying the chaos that consumes him/us. I think I keep waiting for the lightbulb to switch on for him - the day when he will say "Aha! I'm doing this to myself and I can take action to stop it *if* I want to!".

I don't know how to bridge the gap between us. Does anyone have any input for me?

Ultimately - like little_mitten wrote - I wonder if our life together will just always be this way. Should I keep trying to work it out? Or just accept that these are the things I need to deal with if we are going to be together? Or should I give up? When do I know that it is time to give up?

I hope I'm not coming off as a judgemental jerk. I really am very confused and don't know what to do.

Darla2
Man, I wish that post wasn't so long. I would like to read it all as it seems very important. You FEEL very important and very hurt. I'd like to pick up your little broken heart and carry it safely in a basket until you need it back, but I can't.

Is your man/love/confusion-maker being treated medically? Many of us go through life thinking this is a "will" thing that we can overcome. Especially we with the X-Y chomosome package! I'm a prime example. I just have a feeling he may not be taking the advise or guidance of a physician. Look into that if he's worth it to you. Is he reading in order to better himself? Is he taking his medication all the time and not just when he thinks he needs it?

I've got to go now. Sorry.

I am new to this, and I don't know that title is appropriate... but it is how I feel much of the time. I've been with my fellow for two years, but the last six months I feel his ADD is either getting worse or my patience and energy is running out. He will secretly admit that he has ADD (a vague diagnosis from childhood that neither himself or his parents will openly discuss).

Just this last two weeks he has read a few articles that I have given him on ADD and what he gets out of it are new ways that "I" must change to help his condition. It's always up to ME... me to help him.... me to get him organized... me to clean up the constant mess he leaves...me to bail him out of whatever mess he has gotten himself into....me to help me be on time when he has left everything to the last possible second (again!)....me to help him stay focussed on something he wants to do but knows that he will get distracted (but heaven help me if I don't word the focus-making suggestions properly).

I love this man, we've bought a house and set a wedding date...... but I feel that I'm going to go crazy with all the self-sacrificing that he needs from me. I've realized that enabling him doesn't help him learn to pull his own crap together, so when I back off, he get's upset and claims I've abandoned him in his time of need. BUT if I need help with something it's a totally battle and a 20 minute dancing of asking/pleading/negotiating.

Is this how it is? is this what my life with him is going to be like always???
Being a part of this forum will help you understand him, and I hope in the process - help him understand himself a bit more.

Let me first state that I have ADD, and so does my fiance. We live together in a VERY small space. We are both hoarders. If I don't get motivated to clean - it doesn't get done.

My take on your situation:
I think you are wonderful for *wanting* to help him. But I feel he needs to learn (like I still do) what works best for him. here are some ideas -

*Set up a board for his needs to be done / working on/ and finished stuff in a place that you both can see often. Mine is in the living room - near the TV.

*Ask for just 15 mins a day for him to pick a room and tidy it.

*Have a once a week meeting of things he would like help with. Have him figure out what role your helping will aid him. Stress to him that you DO want to help, but he has to be reasonable.

I have trouble asking for help - and I often lash out. My man has finally learned just to offer the help and I will come to him when I need it.

I think I stayed on topic - sorry if I rambled.
I hope any of this helped.

I agree with aneededchange for the most part. I would add this: Be careful not to become his mom or his ADD coach. I think doing so could lead to him taking you for granted. Where there is great need and desperation, there is often a black hole waiting to suck you in.

Also, perhaps you could find a way to relax your standards a little. I doubt that I could ever be with a neat freak. It would just make me feel like a failure all the time. What comes so easily to you in terms of organizational skills can be really, really hard for him. Just make sure it's the ADD that's the problem and not I'm-the-guy-you're-the-woman so Jane rather than Tarzan should be doing all the housework.

THANK GOD for you, Darla2! You could be me, or I could be you... or our men could be the same person......whatever.. you took all the words right out of my mouth and articulated them perfectly. If they say I'm not fair or judgemental or whatever... I don't care. I know now that someone deals DAILY with EXACTLY what I'm dealing with. Thank you thank you thank you.

little_mitten, that's how I felt when I read your post! I could hardly believe it when I read what you had written. I have been feeling so isolated and alone - and confused. I am sorry that you are grappling with all this, but it is also very comforting to know that I am not alone. (Are you sure we're not with the same man?) :)

zippy, thank you very much for your reply. i know my post was really long! :) But I think you got the gist of it. My man is not currently seeing a professional and is not on medication. He was on medication previously (Adderol, I think? I might be spelling that incorrectly) and did not like the effects it had (dulling out his personality, I guess). I think he is also very defensive about all of it - this seems to be due at least in part to a lifetime of his mother being verbally abusive and insisting that he was sick and needed to be medicated, and then a previous girlfriend insisting the same. He's very sensitive about this. I used to think that his mother and former girlfriend just had issues and were cruel. And while it sounds like their tactics may have at times been cruel, I now also think that he really could benefit from some professional support and maybe different medication. The mere suggestion of this from me, no matter how gentle and loving, inspires in him a defensive onslaught of verbal abuse directed towards *me* - he tells me that I am abusing him and calling him sick person (I have never used those words and wouldn't). He becomes enraged, calls me names and then justifies his outbursts by saying that he is having a normal and healthy reaction to someone accusing him of being a monster. It is a very confusing contradiction, because I do not call him a monster, however his behavior becomes a little monstrous as a result of me bringing up the topic. And so now I simply avoid the topic. But I feel in my gut that something is really "off" and that there could be help out there. What can I do about this? Is there some way I can bring this up that would be more productive? He is definitely worth the effort. I just don't seem to know how to do this productively and lovingly.

and this is a good place to know/understand that we all come with our perspective. We have our baggage which includes our past experiences. Recognizing where our own issues begin/end is a learning process.

It is important for me to understand my boundaries....what are my issues and what I am projecting onto my partner. Not an easy lesson yet an essential one to master if communication is to flow easily, remain productive and be open and honest. good luck.

*Gives Deeper a Standing Ovation and whoo whoo whoo!* Could not agree Mo' :)

Darla,
That's exactly what I thought you would say. He needs to be on his meds. One's personality isn't dulled at all. If anything, my creativity is enhanced. My livelyhood depends on it! If he likes the way things are working in his life, then so be it. The ball is then in your court. It's like the song from The Clash. Should I Stay or Should I Go?! (Sorry, songs that relate to subject are my thing. Prob. why I'm a Jock! lol) The truth is, he has learned how to cope without meds and has fear of learning new methods of living through medication.

You sound like a healthy, loving individual. Sometimes in life we must save the only thing we can save, ourselves. I am not the typical ADD or ADHD, but have a former friend who is exactly like your man. Here's a strange but true hint, the soft, kind, suggestion that you are unhappy will seldom be heard. He should be sat down and told exactly what will happen if things continue in their present state. If he pops, that's pretty much a good clue for you. Warn him ahead of time that you expect his natural reaction to be an explosion and that will be interpreted as a direct assault. I have a feeling he goes "blind" during his rages.

My former friend is currently being divorced by his wife and has moved home to his "mommy". After chatting at length with his mother, I suddenly realized that she has enabled her darling jewel all these years. His mother attempted to blame everything on his wife. I was astounded. She listened about as much as he did. It's important to actually "hear" what people are saying rather than the words they speak.

Take care of you,
LD

Good grief, Ms. Moderator. Agree or disagree with this person's viewpoint, but please don't jump on her and make her feel unwelcome. This is the place for non-Add partners --it's good to vent. I think she's getting some good advice, but be gentle with the judging part.

Fine I am sorry...I know she needs to vent like everyone else. Just my "opinion" as far as judging, I feel that judgment on her behalf was equally unfair.

I respect her opinion and I expressed mine.....and EVERYONE is entitled to that respect including me and including her. I did applogize before I said anything...but I have dealt with this sort of attitude for longest time and I kept quiet and that night I just could not do it.

I know she did not mean to insult anyone and I appologize again if I made her uncomfortable or if it was taken out of context...But I expect anyone who had to say what they felt as same as I. I am not one to bite my tounge and for that I do NOT appologize for!

Hi Draga,

I'm totally new here - just discovered this board yesterday. And this is literally my 3rd post here, ever. So I'm just starting out. The thing that jumped out at me in your last post was about how you are not one to bite your tongue. I'm typically not, either. But I've turned into one. I felt such relief yesterday to find this board and this thread because I've been living my life biting my tongue on a daily basis, so as to avoid the blowups. I tiptoe around my boyfriend so as not to upset him. He does not tiptoe around me. Actually, I ended up feeling very sad for a few moments just now. It's kind of pitiful, you know?! I feel very pent up and like I'm not allowed to say anything about any of this (in my relationship) or ask for any changes or help for my stuff. And that's something I need to work on.

I felt very relieved finding a place where I can be open, stop biting my tongue, and ask questions like, "is this all worth it?". At home I'm not "allowed" to ask anything like that, not "allowed" to ask for help, and not "allowed" to set healthy boundaries without a big fight and abusive language ensuing. I think it's possible that such a discussion is the very thing that could renew my commitment and give me the energy to keep going - or decide that continuing in this relationship is not fair to either of us.

{Draga}...get him into the forums....The Best place to learn how to cope and get support...we can do that fer both of ya....but that too is his decision...If he is not willing to learn to help himself and let others take care of him...then there is defently something else wrong there .{QUOTE}


{little_mitten}
I'm not sure that a person with ADD is worth the effort it takes to be with them. {QUOTE}

{Draga} Forgive me if I sound harsh...dont wanna come off sounding that way {QUOTE}

{little_mitten}
wondering if you have want it takes to work with this and whether the pay-off of a happy life is going to come. I'm new at this and feel like I'm drowning while trying to help another that I love. {QUOTE}

Just a couple of thoughts here. In my opinion Ms. Moderator was very welcoming. (referring to alagirl's Good grief, Ms. Moderator. ..please don't jump on her and make her feel unwelcome...be gentle with the judging part.}
This forum is all about getting directed to the help and support ADDers and their partners need.
It really is difficult to read that we may not be worth the effort. Ya know sometimes we all feel like life with normies ain't worth the effort neither;)

little_mitten & darla2
Please, Please, Please do NOT bring children into your relationships if you are not 100% SURE that this environment is the best that it can be.
Kids do not make relationships complete, kids NEED and deserve an environment that is overflowing with loving, giving, and nurturing parents.
Until your prospective mates are willing to seek help, and it sounds like neither is even accepting the idea that there's any problem other than with YOU, (aka denial) then wait, I'm begging you.

I know (NOW) that you are both just venting, but in describing both your relationships we fellow ADDers do not feel that the symptoms that you both describe as being solely ADD-issues.
Both of your men sound like they need counseling/help/possibly even the dreaded meds for 'other' on-going probs.

{darla2} why there is nothing he can do to keep his life from being chaotic...
I look around this place - at all the filthy chaos - I mean filthy, unsanitary chaos - and I feel in my gut that something's just not right.

Darla, listen to that inner 'gut' feeling, please if he won't get help, find a counselor or group somewhere that will support and enable you

he lives in such drastic chaos and either does not see it or just won't acknowledge it. It seems as though he has an excuse for everything – why there is no other way he can do things and won't take responsibility for his choices and his actions. I feel that I am apologizing to him on a daily basis for things I could do differently and that he won't apologize for blowing up at me or disregarding me. He has an excuse for everything

Taking care of him doesn't seem to ultimately help. Talking to him about it doesn't usually work too well either because he does not like to take responsibility and becomes unusually defensive no matter how gentle I am with him.


Get help, both of you please. In my opinion these issues are not specific to ADD there's more to both of these men.
You both sound like you have great hearts and lots to give children---but these may not be the right men to have them with?
Ask yourself the way these men treat you would you accept them treating your babies this way?
Trust me it will happen if they don't seek help with their 'issues' ...

[color=#0000ff]It really is difficult to read that we may not be worth the effort.

Thank you Charlie!!!!!!!!

Yes are we worthy of love. For me this question goes to the core of my worth as a human being; that little secret place that is well hidden but gets uncovered and brought up to the surface from time to time (like from this thread--)

*sigh* As a sensitive person, especially one with ADD, I wonder what my dear husband must have gone through. In my soul searching moments I lament: Was I worth it? *sigh*

So my non-adder friends-- please understand what the intent of this discussion is all about. I just wish that we could just sit back and HEAR what the other is saying! and why....and where it comes from.

Does it come from a deep, secret place? .....
a place where we hide, we run from our hurt?........
I just can't keep running!

PEACE

Darla, I had just been writing in my electronic diary about our situation. It was a long list of complaints -- starting with the way the den looks (dirty plates, clothes, papers all over, crumbs and clumps from his shoes, furniture askew) and the lack of support I get around the house. I love the suggestion above about "do 15 minutes of cleaning up" -- it makes so much sense to me. If I proposed that, he would say yes and never do anything. Maybe if I said something everyday, but then I'm in that mom role I hate. He is happy for me to pay for a cleaning woman, which I stopped doing. He has no money and I'm carrying him. Sometimes that's okay, sometimes I resent it. If I'm going to stay in this, I think I have to decide he's not going to change, but I'll love him despite that. He stopped taking meds, went to a good shrink, but has stopped that because he can't seem to do anything the guy asks him to. I'm not good at biting my tongue, but I'm going to try and just get along through Christmas and see how it goes. I love him, sometimes I can understand him, but often I just simmer.

Just a couple of thoughts here. In my opinion Ms. Moderator was very welcoming. (referring to alagirl's Good grief, Ms. Moderator. ..please don't jump on her and make her feel unwelcome...be gentle with the judging part.}
This forum is all about getting directed to the help and support ADDers and their partners need.
It really is difficult to read that we may not be worth the effort. Ya know sometimes we all feel like life with normies ain't worth the effort neither;)


Hugs and Big Smoochies, Charlie...dat kinda what I was feeling when I read that :D ........."Ya know sometimes we all feel like life with normies ain't worth the effort neither" Ya took de werd right outta me mouth:D

Am I right that this is supposed to be a place for non-ADD partners? We need a safe place to vent. I think that most of the folks on here try really hard to be good partners -- why else would they be here? You may be afraid we'll just all support each other in our complaints, but I'm not. A reality check comes not from ADD people reading this and going ouch you stepped on me (that's why we're writing here -- so we don't verbalize it at our partners), but from hearing others who've been in our situations for a long or short time saying "that's how it is with me, too" and if we're lucky, we'll get their insights about thngs we can to do help, cope, make our lives better. I understand you don't think "normies" are worth it sometimes either -- that's about relationships. I suppose it would be heretical to ask that people with ADD not come into this and fuss at us for our feelings? I know I'll get ripped for that, but we just have this one place and I think you have all the rest.

guess it's my turn to apologize :(

it's not the first time I've answered in a forum thread (teens 1 time too) that I was not invited to...prob won't be the last time either

I also see there are men's forums where women have actually, gasp, replied (and visa versa),
some of the BEST advice I've read about childhood issues in this forum was from folks who AREN't Parents, imagine that
once actually read where folks have requested no one reply or PM them on their journal threads

I respect privacy, but something about the word forum, and/or maybe something about being/having ADD makes me wanna go where folks tell me not to ;)

big sorry, really

fell free to vent

we're all here to make our lives EASIER

sharing other's perspective seems like a way to help each other thru what we deal with

cannot promise I'll NEVER look at another thread that is under a certain umbrella, like Coral said most times we see the thread title and are intrigued by that

best of luck to all...

I imagine that was a hint for me. I never even read the post headlines! That'll teach me. I apologize to all on this thread as I back away and try not to start a forest fire with my reddened face.

LD

Zippy,
no hints around here that I'm aware of everything is open and out.

I'm not and ADD partner either and neither are about 4 others who replied to this thread.

When threads are truly closed to others you have to 'join' them like seven of the threads I see listed under PRIVATE FOrums.

Hey I'm a newbie here very driven to learning in order to help my children's and my life out. Pretty dang hard to get this ADDer out of the butting-in habit, thus my apology,

I like the forest fire reference, though think I'll use it meself!

Thanks Alagirl, I totally need a safe place to vent (and to learn how to cope). I do try hard to unconditionally love my man and be good partner – but it takes its toll. It’s hard for my partner to understand the other side of the fence, when I try to express myself, and he would feel completely betrayed if I talked to others (for example, people in his family who have seen his behavior for years).

Honestly, he is a good man, with lots of good traits, but there are many other ADD related traits that make the adventure with him bittersweet.

I’m trying to learn, understand and cope…....….One thing that I have learned from reading somewhere on this forum was to not offer to help if he is doing something that doesn’t directly affect me. For example he is ALWAYS running late, and as I hate being late, and really hate others making me wait while they are late, I’ve always nagged him to be on time for others and me. Now I let him be late if he is going to meet clients and I leave on time when I am going somewhere (I’ve left without him yesterday….. he was ****ed, but I could wait another 20 minutes *****ing the whole time and I’m tired of doing that.

It sounds just exactly like an alcoholic. A manipulating, controlling alky who blames his drinking on his wife until she believes it. "If only I was ____, _____, ____, (fill in the blanks) he wouldn't drink/yell/abuse, etc."
Then, when you threaten to leave him, he snivels and cries that he will change, but the only change is changing from whiskey to scotch.

Ladies, (mitten and darla) you don't have to take this. Period.

If you choose to stay in these relationships, I would encourage you to go to counseling (even if you go alone) to learn to defend yourselves against this manipulative and controlling behavior. I'm not saying these guys are bad, but that their behavior is unacceptable.

-----------------------------------------------------------------
Oh yeah, besides ADHD I'm also a recovered alcoholic and addict.
------------------------------------------------------------------

Deeperblue,
She realized that no matter how hard I tried, I was going to forget little things. Once, as we were leaving my apartment to take her home she asked me "Do you have your keys?" and I patted my pockets and felt them so I replied "Yes", and locked the door behind us. After getting in the car, and digging in my pockets for the keys (I never remember to take them out of my pocket before I sit down) I realized that it wasn't my keys in my pocket, it was something else. I had to pry a window open to get back in to get the keys. :o
She also noticed that no matter how hard I tried, I could turn the wrong burner on the stove on, even if I looked right at the knob and read "Right Rear".
FWIW, she was from Mexico and didn't speak any English, and although I speak Spanish very well, my vocabulary doesn't include technical medical terms like ADHD, so I just explained to her that (1) I had a short attention span (2) I was easily distracted (3) It was best to say my name first, pause a moment for me to get my attention on her, and then talk to me.
Also, I did my utmost to do what I could for myself, so when I needed help, like with the stove, it was obvious that I really did need help.
Shortly after we started to get to know each other, she confided in me that she had had a very serious mental/nervous breakdown some years before, and told me the things that would trigger a relapse in her, such as yelling or shouting. Fortunately, that was something I never do. I mention that so you see that this relationship was based on mutual knowledge and acceptance of the other's weaknesses; it was not a case where one was "well" and the other was "sick".
But, sometimes I'd forget to call her when I said I would, and she let me know that that was never acceptable behavior.

What I love about my ADD guy is that every day is different. So I feel like I have to say (since I believe I was listing a bunch of complaints) that yesterday he vaccumed the whole house, cleaned the kitchen and rubbed my back.

Little Mitten - I've also left my husband behind if we're running very very late. I only had to do it a couple of times. We're not always perfectly on time now but it's better than it has been.

+1 to what Swamp Donkey said.

I've ended relationships for the benefit of the my g/fs. I knew that my behaviour (mood swings, fits of rage, etc) was like abuse. The sad part was that I was completely powerless over it. So I left.

Point is, if your men care about you they will seek help. You don't have to stay there and endure the hell they put you through.

I know how you feel because I dated a someone with depression and anxiety , it was a rollercoaster when she wasn't on meds. When she was, she was so doped up we couldnt even have a conversation. I had to finally draw the line by telling her if she did not seek help I was not going to be able to help either.

It's difficult to be with a chemically imbalanced person. IMO unless the "gifted" person has some grasp of their condition and is doing the best they can to treat it, they should not attempt to be in a serious relationship with someone. It's just not fair to the "non-gifted" person.

I have noticed in my life when I was undiagnosed, my whole life would revolve around my sister and 8.5/10 out of my sisters energies at home would go in organising my work, setting up a schedule, etc etc all the stuff that an adhd person has a tough time doing..oh and housecleaning and picking up all my messes and cleaning up after me.

Notice: I did not say my sister would help me in doing stuff but would rather end up doing stuff.

Now, what I want to point out to "little_mitten" and "darla2" is that I had someone sitting right beside me all the time who loved me immensely and cares about me and the same from my side would always be there to help me. Even though my sis would get frustrated at times and go like "lara, why can't you do this.....doesn't matter, i'll help you"....(reminder: i was undiagnosed at that time) she would still help me and do the stuff for me. Even though I wanted to do the stuff I was unable to always getting distracted.
Now, let me tell you a little bit of my situation so maybe it helps your significant other. For me, I was never able to do work in my household or be independant as "draga" says that adders are pretty independant. I was never given that opportunity in the house, because all the time somebody would be telling me something to do or the other, or someone would want to sit in the same room with me or someone would be walking by and would stop by and say hey kiddo hows it going?...etc etc....Every1 loved me tonnes..... now the extra love or rather objectively looking at it you can see, that the ADDer(ME) is sitting and trying to study or "LIKE/HATE HIS MESS," However, he is not being given the opportunity to be free or to be frustrated enough of his mess to start cleaning up, infact someone is coming and pulling him out of the soup or helping him from dipping his feet into the hot soup or distracting him by waving in the hallway.
ALso, people are hanging around me cause i have a fantastic personality, a great sense of humor and the ability to make other people feel special. Guess why?-->> CAUSE I'M BORN WITH IT, AND "IT" > ADD PERSONALITY!

For the first time in my life, today is my 2nd day of hopefully 5days that I get to be alone and manage the whole apartment and live apart from my extra caring mother and sister and let me tell all you guys reading this "oh, man it's AWSUM," I HAVE ACUTALLY DONE A LOT OF WORK ON MY OWN AND EVEN WITHOUT THE MEDICATION.

So, my end suggestion to little_mitten and darla2 is that person needs some time alone and needs people less pulling them out of the stuff that they're doing.

Even, i'm a mess at times let's say i didn't clean up my plate but since i'm born in this family, they tolerate it and they clean it up. BUt now that i'm alone I got to do it or I can't eat the next meal !!!!

IM NOT ONE TO BITE MY TOUNG EATHER Fine I am sorry...I know she needs to vent like everyone else. Just my "opinion" as far as judging, I feel that judgment on her behalf was equally unfair.

I respect her opinion and I expressed mine.....and EVERYONE is entitled to that respect including me and including her. I did applogize before I said anything...but I have dealt with this sort of attitude for longest time and I kept quiet and that night I just could not do it.

I know she did not mean to insult anyone and I appologize again if I made her uncomfortable or if it was taken out of context...But I expect anyone who had to say what they felt as same as I. I am not one to bite my tounge and for that I do NOT appologize for!

in me and my wifes marriage im the one with adhd and she is the one that is depresed and you are right it is rocky when she was on meds she was doped up she was better but she new what was going on she is going back for some help and im getting the help i need the our life together will be much better

Please understand from my non-ADD point of view, giving and giving has left me with more than a few bad days (on one of those in which I wrote this) wondering if you have want it takes to work with this and whether the pay-off of a happy life is going to come. I'm new at this and feel like I'm drowning while trying to help another that I love.

I want to say I was in the same arena .. I am speaking on your very first post as well as this last I checked here.
I had to do it all for this man and I am ADD and just recently found this out. I am not sure if he is or not. I ask him constantly to get help and speak to someone because it most definatly will NOT hurt to do so. He is even struggling right now to get his health back in order. Doesn't know if he wants back surgery or not. Is scared and so on. WE are in the middle of getting a divorce. Actually starting the process. It is easy for me because I finally figured out why I was still in the relationship. There was no relationship for years. I was so used to it and thought I loved him more than life.. it didn't do anything but show me I was just pleading for help in his companionship. Not an easy realization after almost 13 years together and 3kids later... oooo no..
Yet, I know a person who realized the same when it comes to being a non-ADD partner you should most definately try. Lest I say, love is definately showing to not be enough for many cases. It is wonderful to love yet hard to give support when you are at your end of patience and if you have tried to understand and you are done and yet not married. I have heard (opinions only) that is better to let that person find themself first and move on alone first. He sounds like he needs to wake up and send himhere if it is anyway possible because I have a wonderful friend who did that for me and I feel every time I am being lifted to another level of freedom and understanding.
Just one step at a time... your call.

I have heard (opinions only) that is better to let that person find themself first and move on alone first. He sounds like he needs to wake up and send himhere if it is anyway possible because I have a wonderful friend who did that for me and I feel every time I am being lifted to another level of freedom and understanding.
Just one step at a time... your call.
Something, I abolutely agree with.....it's about CHOOSING to fine oneself...and knowing what is the meaning of finding oneself...finding one's own choices..(something add ppl. have a hard tiem doing and leave it up to others to find the choices)...
I can imagine what kind of a person I can be at times..........tell him there is a necessity for him to change....and one more thing, about the wedding date...change it if you want...remember one thing: people mighjt say things, people might talk about you, but int he end it is ur decision your choice and your consequences that will help YOUR LIFE BECOME BETTER!!!

In the end it's between you and god not THEM and you...

take care!

I HAVE TO STRESS THIS...

Finding the heart and strength to let go of someone you feel is your entire life.. so that they can endure the fight alone to learn and live for themself, that is a hard task indeed. Build upon the friendship you have with this person first. If you can hold no grudges due to the differences than you can definately burst into love with such a superb friendship it will be a wonderful to experience.

In the meanitin... I is hard :rolleyes:

I may be wrong, but I think this forum is open to all, so that we can learn to understand each other.
Mitten, you asked for an opinion, and who better to help you know what it is like being an ADHD person, than an ADHD person? Who better to help you understand what needs to be done, what is possible and what is impossible than people who live with this daily? You may get as many opinions as there are people to give you answers; but it seems we agree on some key points.
ARe we worth it? I think so. I am ADD-inattentive myself. I am learning to ask for help when I need it. I am learning to keep track of my life. I am also learning to forgive myself when I mess up. I do not blame others for my mistakes, nor do I expect others to keep track of me. I am an adult.

Little Mitten, You are in the right place to vent.

In any relationship "LOVE" is never enough to make it work. It's only a reason TO make it work. Everyone has issues. Some have defined categories like ADD, alcoholism, narcissism, and the like. Some don't.
Set aside the ADD issue, and ask yourself if how much you LOVE this person is enough for you to do whatever it takes to make it work. If it is....go for it. If not, get out.

Consider this: what if it wasn't ADD? What if your "love" was broadsided in a car accident and paralyzed from the neck down. Would you throw in the towel and leave or stay and make it work. If "LOVE" ins't enough to make you stay around and do whtever it takes to make it work out then you're with the wrong person.

The reality is that all relationships are WORK. They are harder AFTER you get married than before. Being a person with ADD is NEVER easy. Being WITH a person with ADD is NEVER easy either.
Figuring out how to make what seems like a life consuming mess into something worth keeping? That's priceless.

Hi!
I just joined this group today..and like mitten and darla I am so happy I stumbled on to this site..I am newly married (since Oct 1st) to a man who has ADD..he has just begun counseling. To be completely honest I was skeptical about the existance of "ADD" til I read the posts on this thread and the thread that deals with men and ADD. Its been very interesting and enlightening, also comforting to know that maybe there is hope and help for some of the issues he and I face together. Honestly the last few weeks have been so chaotic...so roller coaster like that I was ready to cut the remaining threads of this relationship, its just been so painful at times, because I didnt, and still dont in many ways, know how to relate to his inattentiveness, and his explosive frustration and anger. I feel like I cant please him, and that whatever I do is never good enough..theres always something I could have done that would have been a better way.I constantly analyze everything before I say or do it...to be sure that it will not offend him in anyway..I walk on eggshells most of the time. I was ready to admit defeat. But after reading your posts today, Ive decided to tie another knot in the thread . I love this man..have for years..and I am willing to go to whatever lengths it will take to make this relationship work..I just needed a little light at the end of the tunnel. One question I have for all of you...esp the ones who are married or living together..when did you become aware of the ADD? Was it before or after you were living together?
For me, looking back there were some signs of this before, but they were random and irregular, now its seems like its every 3 or 4 days..the outbursts..the frustration..the criticism..I guess you could say the honeymoon was over before it really had a chance to begin.
I hope I dont come across as critical here..Im just wondering how it was for the rest of you and I would love to hear it from both sides..those who have ADD/HD..and those who love them. ** I want to add a disclaimer here..I am in no way saying that I am without my issues and faults...or that theres nothing good about my husband..I love him dearly..I just want to understand him.**
Thanks for taking the time to read this! I look forward to learning from you all! Ri

Hi Darla,
My wife and I were together for six year before I took her advice (after nearly 2 years of prodding) and saw a doctor about my having ADD.
I am sure there are times when she has wanted to stop my breathing in my sleep and it's not because I snore!
The best thing I can advise both of you to do is get an education in ADD!
There are SO many things that happen in a relationship without ADD that are hard to explain. Throw in a gross of ADD symptoms (that's 144 if you don't know what's gross :D) and it can become unbearable for BOTH sides to try and sort it out.

However, if you start trying to unravel the ADD mystery it can end up being fun sometimes. And if nothing else you can both at least stop and say "oh, there was an ADD moment" and let it go. Some of it defies explanation!
When you stop trying to explain those moments you will find a little more sanity in your relationship. You might even find ways to make things work without really understanding how they work....(Do they call that faith or trust?)

I'm new at this and feel like I'm drowning while trying to help another that I love. Perhaps this is not the arena in which to vent (?) Hey...my husband of 2 1/2 yrs also has ADD. I understand what it's like...it seems like every corner I turn there's something that he was doing, got distracted and went on to something else. In the morning, I find ice cube trays, crumbs, dirty dishes, and it goes on.

However, he treats me like a princess. He is kind and gentle, and everything I dreamed of. I love him and wouldn't change anything. Its been a struggle working out all the little niches, but we're working through it.

Remember the love you have for each other. You will learn strategies that work for you, for your hubby, and for you as a couple. Its a lot of work, but worth it!

I'm always here to talk to!

i'm sorry...new at this!

For Little Mitten and Darla.
What has popped out at me, as I have read your posts is that I would like you to go back and read them as if you were reading a post from your very best friend. Would you encourage your best friend to stay in a relationship like this if the person refused treatment? I bet not. It is abusive. Verbal and emotional abuse are often times harder to deal with and get over than physical abuse.

People with ADD can be wonderful people. I have been married for 25 years to my husband. Although we have had challenging moments, we have gotten through them. But, the ONLY way this is going to even MAYBE change is if your pwADD gets diagnosed, on medication, and is willing to work at making changes on behaviors that have probably been life long for them. Much of the behaviors are defense mechanisms, usually because they have been dealt a tough hand and have been made to feel crazy, lazy, stupid, out of control, etc. Diagnosis and treatment can help them realize they are not those things, but have a chemical imbalance that can be corrected. For Darla, if Adderall made him not feel right, there are many other meds on the market that can be tried. It is being said now that polypharmacology is the way to go now for pwADD. It does take some trial and error to find what works best and at what dosage.

First and foremost, you have got to take care of YOU because no one else will, especially the men you are with. They make promises they cannot keep unless and until treatment happens. What you see now is what you will get for the rest of your life. Are you willing to live like that forever?

Yes, you may love these men. But, is love enough? In the beginning, when they hyperfocus on us and the relationship, they are a different person then after they settle into the relationship their true selves come out. It will NOT go back to what it first was without help.

Think long and hard if you want to stay in these relationships of untreated pwADD.

"The reality is that all relationships are WORK. They are harder AFTER you get married than before. Being a person with ADD is NEVER easy. Being WITH a person with ADD is NEVER easy either.
Figuring out how to make what seems like a life consuming mess into something worth keeping? That's priceless"

This is a priceless quote IMHO. For all the pwADD who have been insulted by the original asking if a relationship is worth it, there is one thing all of you have to remember. If a partner, in a relationship with an ADDer is coming here for help, they have reached their limit in what they are dealing with. More times than not, the partners they are talking about are ones who are not diagnosed yet and more specifically often partners who refuse to get diagnosis and help. A relationship is HORRIBLE with a person who will not do that. Or, a relationship can be horrible before one gets diagnosed.

For those of you on who are ADD and a part of this forum, I would have to guess that all of you are diagnosed and continually working on how to become a better person and more than likely taking meds or are aware of what needs to be done if you do not take meds.

So, to be insulted by "our" comments would make sense in a normal setting, but please know that we have been through hell and back often times with our undiagnosed, untreated people and for those of us who have come through that with our partners, we can certainly give advice on how they shoud be acting and treating someone. Also, when someone says it does not sound like ADD, well possibly is it not totally ADD. There is a very high percentage of people diagnosed with ADD who also have one of the comorbids such as depression, bipolar, or obsessive compulsive that go along with ADD.

So, if you can, please refrain from telling us how insulted you are about a choice of words when we express ourselfves in a place especially marked for partners and just give us help if you know of some. We too are very insulted by the way our partners act when they refuse treatment.

And thanks to those who apologized.

Let's all remember this this section of the forums is for support for Non-ADD partners. However, it is a public area which means that anybody can read and respond. It's human nature to get offended by what others say and do but please show each other respect.

I also want to remind people that there are private areas of the forums for non-ADD partners and for adults with ADD to openly discuss issues.

hubby was recently diagnosed with ADD. Relief occurred knowing what it was finally. But yes i relate about the life being sucked out of you. I have felt that way most of our married life going on 13 years. If i didnt love him so much i would have left the relationship along time ago. But i do love him and will continue just some days are worse then others hang in there. There are pro and cons to every relationship.

paige64

i understand about the insults but like with me i have adhd and when i was in school they said that there was not enough proof of adhd so now im 29 and will be 30 in feb and wife talked to me about it and said it will make our marrage better we been together for 5 yrs married for about 2 but like i was saying now im doing something about it started meds 2 weeks ago concerta 18 mg but when i was in school i was called stupid idiot and got in trouble for doing adhd stuff so i got into fights and got into other kind of trouble i could not even like anyone to brush me in the hall that was a problem i would fight over and i was getting wors so wife and i agree i would go back to docs and see about getting help again and i got it the point is it is hard for a person with add/adhd to take insults when they have been getting insults there hole life

but i do under stand where you are comming from also

and also have a learning disabilty and my mom was getting ready to get me a tuter and the school didnt want her to but she did anyways i guess the school just didnt want me to learn and just so they could keep calling me stupid i also had a the principal tell me i would not graduate because i was to stupid and ignorent and when i did was was going to take the deploma and show him and stuff it in his face but a week befor i got the diploma he died of a hart attach


but like i said i do under stand where you are comming from but please understand where we are comming from to we read this stuff and it gets to us and hurts our feeling

little mitten, thank you so much for your post re: "i feel like my partner is sucking the life out of me."

i have felt the same way about my husband, in ways that turned out to be all too literal. (we are now 14 years together, so i don't think anyone could doubt my commitment ;-) i think everyone is "worth it"--the question is what resources we can bring to bear to support our loved ones while also taking care of ourselves.

when we met and married, he didn't have a diagnosis; he was an artist, so we attributed his spaciness to his "temperament." but eventually he saw a psychiatrist, got a diagnosis, and started taking ritalin. it changed his life. within days he was less forgetful and more assertive. it was as though he became a different person . . . i had to adjust to someone new--but that was fine.

as for your question--what to do, whether to continue in your relationship--of course no one can tell you what to do. i will just tell you what fourteen years later looks like . . .

*we have a 7-year-old daughter, also diagnosed with ADD and an assortment of developmental issues. she's beautiful--other-worldly beautiful--but has a profound language delay and attentional issues that make parenting really really difficult. could this have happened if he wasn't ADHD? sure. but the odds were much higher and i never even thought about it. he didn't want to have a child because he remembered how truly difficult childhood had been for him, and didn't want to inflict it on someone else, but i just didn't understand that until i was raising my own ADD child.

*finances have always been a nightmare, but never worse than after the events of 9/11, when my husband's business suffered enormously. he was self-employed with a small studio and made an okay living, for the first time, during the boom of the late 90s. even though the business wasn't profitable in four years, it took that full four years to persuade him to let go and try something new. now we are facing personal bankruptcy. (i supported us w/ my modest teaching salary and my excellent personal credit during the past three years . . . my mistake, but i was also dealing with my daughter's incredible tantrums and finding her placement in a special ed school. i was, frankly, losing my mind.)

*in midst of all this, and in the midst of despair that i could do anything to make it better, i tried to end my life in the fall of 2002. i was being treated for depression and the medication that i had been given had an adverse effect, but i was so depressed i couldn't sort out what was going on. i just wanted it to be over.

obviously my attempt was a failure, the sort of failure that, i suppose, we should pray for.

my family went into family therapy. my daughter's OCD (another of her conditions) was treated, so her tantrums abated. my medication was adjusted. and we persevered.

i can't tell you what to do. i can tell you that this has been a difficult and deeply humbling road. it has changed my life in ways that i could never have imagined, and nearly led me to end it.

do i wish i had left him in, say, 1993, when i first figured out that there was something going on with him that wasn't "normal?" sometimes.

do i wish that i'd not cajoled him into having a child, who, as it turns out, suffers from so many of the same challenges? sure, i do.

but then there are the days when our daughter leaps onto the bed, and, with her vastly limited vocabulary exclaims, "mama, our christmas tree is sooooo bootiiiful." to get to that much language has been four years of speech and other therapies, and hours upon hours of patience.

i guess i think that it's been worth it.

little mitten, thank you so much for your post re: "i feel like my partner is sucking the life out of me."

i have felt the same way about my husband, in ways that turned out to be all too literal. (we are now 14 years together, so i don't think anyone could doubt my commitment ;-) i think everyone is "worth it"--the question is what resources we can bring to bear to support our loved ones while also taking care of ourselves.

when we met and married, he didn't have a diagnosis; he was an artist, so we attributed his spaciness to his "temperament." but eventually he saw a psychiatrist, got a diagnosis, and started taking ritalin. it changed his life. within days he was less forgetful and more assertive. it was as though he became a different person . . . i had to adjust to someone new--but that was fine.

as for your question--what to do, whether to continue in your relationship--of course no one can tell you what to do. i will just tell you what fourteen years later looks like . . .

*we have a 7-year-old daughter, also diagnosed with ADD and an assortment of developmental issues. she's beautiful--other-worldly beautiful--but has a profound language delay and attentional issues that make parenting really really difficult. could this have happened if he wasn't ADHD? sure. but the odds were much higher and i never even thought about it. he didn't want to have a child because he remembered how truly difficult childhood had been for him, and didn't want to inflict it on someone else, but i just didn't understand that until i was raising my own ADD child.

*finances have always been a nightmare, but never worse than after the events of 9/11, when my husband's business suffered enormously. he was self-employed with a small studio and made an okay living, for the first time, during the boom of the late 90s. even though the business wasn't profitable in four years, it took that full four years to persuade him to let go and try something new. now we are facing personal bankruptcy. (i supported us w/ my modest teaching salary and my excellent personal credit during the past three years . . . my mistake, but i was also dealing with my daughter's incredible tantrums and finding her placement in a special ed school. i was, frankly, losing my mind.)

*in midst of all this, and in the midst of despair that i could do anything to make it better, i tried to end my life in the fall of 2002. i was being treated for depression and the medication that i had been given had an adverse effect, but i was so depressed i couldn't sort out what was going on. i just wanted it to be over.

obviously my attempt was a failure, the sort of failure that, i suppose, we should pray for.

my family went into family therapy. my daughter's OCD (another of her conditions) was treated, so her tantrums abated. my medication was adjusted. and we persevered.

i can't tell you what to do. i can tell you that this has been a difficult and deeply humbling road. it has changed my life in ways that i could never have imagined, and nearly led me to end it.

do i wish i had left him in, say, 1993, when i first figured out that there was something going on with him that wasn't "normal?" sometimes.

do i wish that i'd not cajoled him into having a child, who, as it turns out, suffers from so many of the same challenges? sure, i do.

but then there are the days when our daughter leaps onto the bed, and, with her vastly limited vocabulary exclaims, "mama, our christmas tree is sooooo bootiiiful." to get to that much language has been four years of speech and other therapies, and hours upon hours of patience.

i guess i think that it's been worth it.
Let me first say, you are a wonderful and loving woman. My heart goes to you and your family - not because I feel sorry for you, but because I think you all understand better than most what unconditional love is.

I think it is all worth it ... regardless of the challenges. Keep your head up. I have faith in love - one of the few things I have total faith in.

*HUGS*

from good will hunting...

"You're not perfect. And let me save you the suspense, this girl you met isn't either. The question is, whether or not you're perfect for each other."

[m's mom] in the fall of 2002. i was being treated for depression and the medication that i had been given had an adverse effect, but i was so depressed i couldn't sort out what was going on. i just wanted it to be over.

m's mom, If you care to share can you give details regarding what to look for if someone is having an adverse effect on depression meds?
I seriously need this info.


do i wish that i'd not cajoled him into having a child, who, as it turns out, suffers from so many of the same challenges? sure, i do.

I also have this regret in the back of my mind with my X who was abusive.


i guess i think that it's been worth it.[/QUOTE]

From the heart thanks for sharing your story of courage, strength and compassion. You have no idea how you have touched, informed, and possibly changed people's lives by sharing this story.

Here's to a better New Year in 2005!

thanks to everyone for your kind words. i feel really welcomed to this forum. a friend once told me that we all set out to find that person who is wrong for us in all the right ways. ;-)

re: adverse response to anti-depressant medication. in my case i had been taking wellbutrin for depression for several years, but in summer 2002 (with all the after effects of 9/11 in our neighborhood, and my daughter's daily and sometimes twice daily meltdowns) i was having "breakthrough" depression. usually wellbutrin worked fine for me, but that summer i was really struggling to keep it together.

i went to my primary care physician, who is a wonderful, caring professional and has been part of our family's team for many years. he prescribed celexa in addition to the wellbutrin i was already taking. as it turns out, this was a terrible error.

although i didn't know it at the time, i was having what is called a mixed state--depression with anxiety, an agitated but very very dark experience. energetic, but very bleak. my depression is seasonal, and usually in the summer i'm pretty much okay--and i drop the wellbutrin dose accordingly-- but that post-9/11 summer things got out of wack and i was agitated, anxious, and depressed.

adding the celexa to the mix pushed me into a fullblown mixed state . . . a mania with depression. this is a very very dangerous state because one has enough energy to try to end one's life. typically when one is really depressed, one just doesn't have the energy to be truly self-destructive.

anyway, i learned my lesson . . . no matter how stingy the insurance company is about reimbursing for an experienced psychopharmacologist, it is simply dangerous to have these sorts of medications adjusted by a general practitioner, even one that is as caring as ours is. it's such an important and nuanced specialty that if you're having trouble with your medication, or you know someone who is, i *urge* you to see someone who is very experienced with these medications.

i hope that helps.

and thanks again to all of you for your warm welcome.

M'S MOM
WELCOME TO THE FORUM AND THANKS FOR YOUR STORY depression AND anxiety
AND THEY HAD HER ON WELLBUTRIN AND SHE IS ON NOTHING NOW BECAUSE WE CANT AFORD IT AND IM ON MY ADHD MEDS AND THEY ARE AROUND 90 DOLLARS AND WE HAVE NO INSURANCE SO IT IS HARD SHE WANTS TO GET BACK ON THEM MEDS SHE WOULD BE BETTER OFF IF SHE DOES BUT RIGHT NOW SHE HAS GOOD DAYS AND SOME BAD I AM ALSO GETTING READY TO FILE bankruptcy BECAUSE OUR MONEY MANAGMENT IS REAL BAD I JUST STARTED TAKEING MEDS FOR MY ADHD SO I HOPE OUR MONEY MANAGMENT GETS BETTER I HAVE PEOPLE CALLING ME ALL THE TIME I I WROTE A FEW BAD CHECKS AND I DIDNT MEAN TO BUT THEY ARE WANTING TO TAKE LEGAL ACTION AGAINST ME I JUST GOT A LETER IN THE MAIL THE OTHER DAY ABOUT A MEDATION ABOUT A CHECK IM NOT TRYING TO NOT PAY THESE PEOPLE I JUST BAD WITH MONEY AND NOW JUST GETTING HELP WITH MY PROBLEM AND DIDNT MEAN TO WRIGHT THEM AND IM STUCK NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO TO PAY THEM OFF BESIDES IN PAYMENT BUT DONT NO IF THEY WOULD TAKE THAT OFFER BECAUSE BEFOR THEY TOLD ME IN FULL NOW THEY ARE TAKING IT TORWARD THE COURT

HOW DO I FIND A LOCAL SUPORT GROUP IN MY AREA TO GO SEE

THANKS FOR YOUR TIME AND HOPE I DIDNT BORE KNOW ONE LOL

It's so difficult to not be able to afford these medications. I'm sorry to hear about that.

I have the following ideas:

*did you consider finding a certified credit counseling agency to help you figure out what to do about the finances. Be *sure* they are an accredited one. They can also help you figure out how to do budgets and the like, though when money is tight budgets can be meaningless.

*some pharmaceutical companies have "compassionate" care programs to help people who can't afford their medications. I recommend that you google GlaxoWellcome (they might be called GlaxoSmithKline now), the makers of Wellbutrin, then call their 800 number and check if they have a program like that. I think they may.

*did you know that there is a generic version of Wellbutrin that is much less expensive than the brandname.

Good luck with that Private Eye. I hope that works out for you.

little_mitten and darla (and everyone else in similar situations):

I've been lurking this forum for a while. But I felt I had to register just to say "me too!" to your posts.

I'm in a 6 year relationship with an ADD woman I love dearly. But I'm not sure I can live with her anymore. I am definitely codependant. We've kind of reached the point where we need to get married or break up. We just bought a house together, and she depends on me for money/roof/car/etc. So if I break up with her, I've got to deal with all that guilt too - she'd eventually have to find someplace to live, cut back on her lifestyle, etc. I would make sure she's ok though, and she'd live.

The basic thing with her is I'm pretty much a neat freak and she's quite the opposite. It's been 6 years of me doing all the cleaning/housework/etc. just to maintain my sanity. I'm tired now. The other thing is that I'm afraid to have kids with her. I'm both afraid that the kids will have ADD, and that I'll be a single parent when it comes to the administrative parts of parenting. I know she would be an awesome mom emotionally, though.

If you ask me this second, I would say that love is not enough.

In five more minutes, though, it might be! I'm very confused.

It's nice to know others are in my situation.

I'm new here too, trying to heal my wounds from a broken relationship with an ADD partner.

Regarding the two women with non-medicated & non-treated ADD men... I feel for you. My partner & I split up because he would not seek help. If your partner is in denial... ***you are trying to control a situation that cannot be controlled.***

I feel like I have been emotionally battered and abused for 2 years. I've been out of the relationship for 6 weeks, I'm ill every day but every day that passes I'm a little less ill & I'm finally experiencing peaceful and happy times... for the first time in years! I let my relationship go on so long because I'm co-dependant & thought I could help him if I only cared for and loved him enough. All of the patience in the world will not help an ADD person that is fighting you the entire way toward recovery! (recovery that you are forcing on him. If he wanted to get help, he would) All of the love in the world will not fix a person that is in denial over their illness. Sometimes you have to know when to let go! I loved my ex so much, and I still do but I came to the conclusion that letting him go was the best decision for both of us.

He was fun, loving, ambitious, but he was also very moody, verbally abusive (when I expressed my feelings), DEFENSIVE, unpredictable, highly flirtatious toward other women, lacked ANY focus past tomorrow (either that or he was creating plans to solve the world's problems, then I was left cleaning up the mess---figuratively and literally)... and the chaos & the mellowdrama (calling it 'mellow' is an understatment).

The emotional payoff for me became too risky because I became suicidal. I was emotionally exhausted. I have my own issues to deal with and I lost sight of this because I was hyperfocused on him!!! I can't be concerned with his drama 24/7 if he won't help himself. I totally lost my identity, and it was not because of him, it was because I was hanging onto the fantasy that he would accept his illness and get better. Guess what? It never happened because I was enabling his sickness... along with his parents and family that were in denial. They'd always say "that's just Dan" while ignoring the pain he lived through on a daily basis (they all had a lot of resentment toward past hurts he caused, yet would not help him). I think he would have listened to his parents, but I guess I know where he got his shame from now.

I could go on and on about his charactoristics or faults, however, the important thing is that if you love someone... sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let them go and HOPE they seek treatment, because forcing them to read literature or tricking them into psychotherapy will only cause mistrust and resentment (this is only -if- they are denying their illness), which in turn will turn your life into a living HELL. Maybe you should read some books on relationship addiction or co-dependancy instead of trying to **control a situation that cannot be controlled**

I hope this helps.

BTW... sometimes I will call my ex to wrap up some logisical things with the house and it's just like removing a scab from a wound. My suggestion is... it is NOT worth your self worth and your precious energy if they won't seek treatment!!!!!!!!! Maybe later in life he will get help and contact you, but for now he is his own person. It sounds like you made a good faith effort, now put him to the test & see if he's got it in him to get better on his own. Most people have to hit bottom before they seek help. You are preventing him from reaching the emotional breaking point he needs. No one likes to see their loved one go through so much pain, but how much is your own life worth... believe me, they will suck the living life right out of you if they aren't seeking help! Do not get pregnant and do not marry him until you both have a firm grip on his ADD. It will not magically get better with children or marriage... it will only get worse.

little_mitten and darla (and everyone else in similar situations):

The other thing is that I'm afraid to have kids with her. I'm both afraid that the kids will have ADD, and that I'll be a single parent when it comes to the administrative parts of parenting. I know she would be an awesome mom emotionally, though.

If you ask me this second, I would say that love is not enough.

In five more minutes, though, it might be! I'm very confused.

It's nice to know others are in my situation.Living with an ADD spouse causes a lot of second guessing of oneself. You know the correct answer but you are rationalizing. Maybe you should get her an apartment or some money to start out on her own? I wouldn't have children with her if you are exhausted now. (read my last post about my experience) I'd say if she is willing to go to counseling & puts a serious effort toward improving the relationship, then it's workable otherwise you need to take care of your own desires and needs for YOUR future. Otherwise, if you are serious about a family, plan on hiring a maid or nanny longterm to take some of the burden off of you. Non-ADD spouses need to take care of themselves if there is to be any peace and harmony in the home! The ADD person will be fine without all of the enabling or constant 'fixing' of them. It might even help them to not hyperfocus on themself as much. I know that when I would go about my own business, he was happier without all of the tension --however I was not happier because there was no affection unless I initiated it or made him stop to notice me. However, overall my situation was not fixable, as many others are.

Gregman002 - I hear you! I'm still here trying to figure out what to do and still having the life sucked out off me. Daily I try to make in-roads into putting me first and not cleaning up his mess of chaos and drama (nicely put, Tigerlily). What to do? What to do? it's been two years, and I'm running around like a cat chasing my tail. Do I wait and see if it gets better, do I waste time and risk not getting what I want in life (I want children, but don't want ADD children and the clock is ticking LOUD). If we had kids (ADD or not) I'd be the one taking care of all the needs, while he hyper-focussed on the TV or computer. On top of the ADD seems to be a family history of depression. All this wrapped up in a package of not a bad guy, but he has a lot of moody moments. The more I go round and round.. the more "I" sound like the one with the issues.

while he hyper-focussed on the TV or computer. On top of the ADD seems to be a family history of depression. All this wrapped up in a package of not a bad guy, but he has a lot of moody moments. The more I go round and round.. the more "I" sound like the one with the issues.I understand, regarding the stress of thinking about children. The best thing you can do, if you decide to have children with him, is to hire a maid or a nanny. Someone has to help you out because he's not going to the way you need him to. My ex had to play video games around the clock or philosophize (sp?) about life while I did realistic adult duties like yardwork or housework, bill paying, etc. during my days off. I never got a break. It was really sad. The mere thought of children would make my head spin. I spent too much time hoping he would change and now it's probably too late for me to have children! Don't put your needs and wants aside! You have to be happy too. ADD people can be really fun, so I understand why anyone would want to spend their future with an ADD spouse, but they have to be TREATED and have an ADD coach... the non-ADD spouse can't be everything and a therapist too!

Maybe you are co-dependent. I never thought I was until I picked up a book called "Don't call that man!" It's a really good breakup book but it also made me realize that I had dependency issues, especially because I'm a child of an alcoholic, (my father) and an extreme co-dependent (my mother). Most emotionally healthy people don't put up with so much emotional abuse, whether the abuse is intended or not.

If they aren't willing to get help, you know you can do better than what they have to dish out. I know it is so hard to break away, but you have to take care of yourself! Read some of these posts from people that are so depressed that they have become suicidal because of 20 years of sadness, neglect and hopelessness from their spouse's 'untreated' illness. If he is willing to get help, that's wonderful... you have a keeper, otherwise... be careful & get counseling so you don't destroy your own self worth. No person is worth driving your entire well-being into the ground!

I am new to this forum and I am thrilled that I found a support group for non-ADD. I have been travelling this road for 10 years. I am very familiar with ADD because my son from a previous marriage was also diagnosed at 18, but chose not to do anything about it. I have read everything I can get my hands on. I have attended seminars, counseling and am a long time (22 years) member of Al-Anon, so I am very familiar with my co-dependant tendencies.

My husband fought my suggestions of ADD for quite a while, feeling criticized one more time in his life. However, he finally was diagnosed and is now on Adderall. He says that it has helped him at work. I see no difference at home. Anyway, I need support because I am tired of trying. I am tired of going to bed alone. I am tired of his changing "date night" to suit his work, because he "forgot" about that meeting. I am tired of his puppy dog face when he is late one more time. I am tired of trying to believe him. I am tired of no sex life because of whatever reason. I have read that it is like a light switch that goes off, instead of a gradual decline. It used to be so strong and powerful and wonderful, and now I am the total initiator. I agree with the person who said they were tired of having to approach their spouse "with just the right words" so as not to hear their defensiveness. Oh, yeah! did I mention I am so tired of the defensiveness?!

I am in a quiet zone right now because all we did for the past 2 weekends is bicker and fight. I am filled with hurt, resentment and frustration. I am watching is lack of temper control increase. I find it intolerable, yet here I am - staying. I don't know if you can love someone you don't respect. My spouse makes some headway, and then ignores his commitment to me and to himself. He committed to attending a support group, and something came up at work, and out went the meeting.

I feel like yesterdays news. In his behalf, he is friendly, generous (money management is a problem), intelligent, great sense of humor, helpful, affectionate, never forgets an anniversary or birthday. I fell in love with his lack of impulse control. Yet, on the other side of that coin, I have had to deal with his spending money that we didn't have, buying a baby grand piano for me for Christmas when we were moving into a new home with double the expenses. I take care of all of the bills, grocery lists, travel plans, life in general. He is very handy around the house when he gets around to it. He generally will finish a project in order to "make nice" after some negative event.

I am finding it very difficult to remain vulnerable to his niceness and promises, when I know that the promise for the moment will not be kept because "something came up, or there was so much traffic, or blah, blah, blah!!!!"

I need to let go of the anger and resentment of not being able to depend on him. How do you love someone you can't trust or depend on? I need help.

I need to let go of the anger and resentment of not being able to depend on him. How do you love someone you can't trust or depend on? I need help.
I don't think you can without sacrificing too much of your own happiness, or simply accepting that they are unreliable and you have to do everything yourself. That quickly becomes a parent/child dynamic though, which is really not good.

I feel for you, I'm in the same boat with my SO. Things are quickly approaching the end for us. Not saying that's what you should do, just saying that you should consider it as a possibility if you are truly miserable and don't see another way out. Sometimes we don't see another way out because there is no other way out, not because you haven't thought of a better way.

At_wits_end

OMG! This is the first time I have read anything that deals with the lack of sex with an ADD partner! I thought I was totally alone with that.

Finally, after who knows how many discussions, my spouse said to me recently that the parent/child dynamic has pretty much turned him off. I feel totally cheated by that because , as he fully admits, he's forced me into that (or else bills would not get paid, etc.).

It's been months since he's touched me sexually, and even before that it was maybe once a month or once every 6 weeks.

Now, after almost losing his job, he's finally admitted he can't do it alone and is seeing a therapist, trying to get on meds (love those HMOs...not), and I'm reading every book I can find for any hope we can muster (nutrition, exercise, org. techniques, etc.).

I love him, but I really am starting to wonder if I'm being fair to me. I moved across the country for him (job) giving up a lovely home and all my friends--to live in an over-priced city where we'll never be able to buy a home (and we're both professionals!). And now this.

Oh, and the defensiveness thing was 100% right on. Drives me NUTS!

Sorry to dump, but this is my first time. I'll try to be more positive next time.

Help!
-Lili

Sorry to dump, but this is my first time. I'll try to be more positive next time.
**** Dump away friend, that's what this forum is for. Be postive, negative, or neutral, but whatever you do be honest and true to yourself.

You may want to start a new thread for your own situation, issues, and questions you may have. This one is getting a little confused! ;)

At_wits_end