Hi. I'm new here. I'm also just really learning about ADD for the first time, so I hope everyone will bear with me as I work through some of my questions.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADD as a child. He's in his 30's now. He's very gregarious and energetic. This means he's often a lot of fun to be around. The downside is that he can sometimes get too rough with me. He does not have ill intentions, he's just playing. He's also bigger and sturdier than I am. So, for example, grabbing my knee in a certain way may cause me pain, but would not cause him any if he were to do the very same thing to himself.

Ultimately, the part about this that is distressing is that he does not stop when I ask him to. He is not a mean person. I think he genuinely does not believe that he is causing me pain. He thinks I'm over-reacting. I try to be really nice but firm about it and tell him that yes, it really hurts and it's not okay with me that he's hitting, grabbing or prodding me in a way that hurts and that I need him to listen to me and take me seriously. He often reacts by rolling his eyes and saying something like, "Oh my god, that does *not* hurt", or he can become defensive. Sometimes he gets angry with me. And sometimes he just keeps on going with whatever he is doing to me with even greater intensity until i'm literally yelling for him to stop. And then we both end up angry and fighting. But seriously, I only ask him to stop when it's literally causing me pain or I'm afraid of being injured. I feel vulnerable being hit, pushed around and prodded and saying "ouch" or "please stop" does not make him stop or take me seriously.

I can see how it could be confusing for him, because I *am* a phyisical person and I like to horse around. I'm not uptight, and I can be very playful. But I draw the line at physical pain, or fear of being injured. And I feel it is reasonable to ask him to stop and expect him to listen to me and take me seriously. He does not feel that I'm being reasonable. This is frustrating and I don't know what to do or how to communicate that something really hurts and I really need him to stop, listen to me, and believe me.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this or have any suggestions?

I don't want to attribute all of this to the ADD. But I wanted to throw it out there in case anyone else has experienced this or might have some input.
I hope I am not offending anyone by implying that this could be an ADD thing - maybe it is not. So just let me know. And thanks!

I sometimes find Mrs. Clam to be a lot more fragile than I expect her to be. It's frustrating because I don't consider myself to be a violent or cruel person, it's very hard to realize and come to terms with the fact that I have hurt her on occasion, completely by accident, sure, but she's still hurt!

Are you brave enough to have him read that post you just put here?

Darla, that's scary. Messy rooms, etc. are one thing. Being afraid he will hurt you is another. I'd get a counselor who knows about ADHD. Your posts in other threads tell me you're a wonderful person -- don't be so wonderful you get hurt or lose yourself. Remember to treat yourself like you are your best friend.

Being very physical isn't an ADD trait in itself but problems with boundaries can be huge issue for people with ADD. This is includes actual physical boundaries too. From what you have said his intentionsare not to try to hurt you but you are still being hurt.

Have you tried talking to him about this when it's not happening?

Maybe you are being too nice to him about this and he just not getting it. He needs help with setting up some boundaries in this situation. Maybe for your own protection one of those boundries needs to be that he can only touch you if you give him an actual signal or premission. Or he needs to know that if you say ouch or have an upset look on his face that he needs to leave you a lone. Maybe you just need to leave the room right away if he starts to cross the line with you.

my sister was like that, I actually ran away from home a lot cause of that, and when I got dxed i was dxed as paranoid. I even got a rock thrown at my head and had stitches in the back of my head, there probably is a hospital record somewhere. I am still afraid of my sister. I think it starts with not respecting personal boundaries, then I think it gets exciting, I think a person gets off on the stimulation of the rough contact, and if the boundaries are not reinforced I think it gets to be part of the pattern in the relationship. I am not sure if need for stimulation would be classified as an ADD trait, but I think after that point, and it becomes sadistic, it is no longer an ADD trait but gets out of control.

...problems with boundaries can be huge issue for people with ADD. This is includes actual physical boundaries too. From what you have said his intentions are not to try to hurt you ...
My husband also has problems understanding when it is appropriate to say something or do something. Luckily he understands this and it is often a simple reminder from me that gets him to stop. We also enjoy wrestling around together...although I'm not positive playing around like that could be a way to get rid of energy???

I read another post that suggested talking to a counsellor...I agree with that suggestion. Possibly if your husband hears what you're trying to say from someone else's mouth he might be more willing to listen.

Good luck!
bright eyes

Hi, I'm new here too. I've also had boundary issues (though not physical) with my ADD husband. Sometimes (only sometimes) it is helpful to talk about it at another time (i.e., outside of the situation). Perhaps you've tried this but you didn't mention it. In my experience there can be defensiveness when you call someone on it as it is happening - maybe its shame or embarrassment or guilt. But if you talk about it at another time, in the caring way you explained it in your message, perhaps he would be more open to taking it more seriously.

I've contemplated purchasing a suit of armor for this exact reason. Seriously though, it's a boundaries issues. I fell over and stubbed my toe pretty bad awhile back because I was in the bedroom changing from my clothes to my pjs while he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I heard him coming into the bedroom and tried really quickly to finishing putting on my shirt so he wouldn't come grab my boobs. He's got past the rough-housing thing, most of the time, but if we can just get past the sexual touching...

I agree with Tara, you're being way too nice. I doubt it's the sexual touching that's really the problem but rather the inappropriateness of what he's doing. And it IS inappropriate.

You need to communicate your distress and make it stick. Don't soft peddle it, that just won't work.

Good luck!

I've contemplated purchasing a suit of armor for this exact reason. Seriously though, it's a boundaries issues. I fell over and stubbed my toe pretty bad awhile back because I was in the bedroom changing from my clothes to my pjs while he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I heard him coming into the bedroom and tried really quickly to finishing putting on my shirt so he wouldn't come grab my boobs. He's got past the rough-housing thing, most of the time, but if we can just get past the sexual touching...

Is he a teen-ager?

I've contemplated purchasing a suit of armor for this exact reason. Seriously though, it's a boundaries issues. I fell over and stubbed my toe pretty bad awhile back because I was in the bedroom changing from my clothes to my pjs while he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth. I heard him coming into the bedroom and tried really quickly to finishing putting on my shirt so he wouldn't come grab my boobs. He's got past the rough-housing thing, most of the time, but if we can just get past the sexual touching...


I'm in your same boat. Does he quack or make some other funny noise when he does that? It's gotten to the point where he's A. always complaining i have on clothes, and B. I just look at him wait for him to get his little giggle over with and say "looks like your not getting lucky tonight" And yes, sometimes it does feel like I'm married to a teenager.

Hi all,
I'm a newbie on here - hadn't posted at all yet but I HAD to reply to this one...

Leo Sunshine - my husband is EXACTLY the same.. he's recently been diagnosed and we have problems common to a lot of folks on the forums, but I had not up till now associated this annoying (to put it mildly) habit with his ADD.
He gives me the impression that sex is in his mind ALL the time, and manages to bring sex into almost every conversation in some way. He also makes comments about my state of dress (trying to get me to take my clothes off all the time), and also touches me as and when he feels like it, whether the situation is appropriate or not.
There's a lot more but I am not sure it's suitable for this open forum, but basically I also feel as if I'm in a relationship with a teenager, to whom sex is a new and constant novelty. I'm getting tired of his juvenile attitude, but until now thought it was just part of his personality rather than ADD related.

Just wanted to say this thread was a 'eureka' moment for me.. thanks all for making me realise it's not just me!!!

Just thought I'd add here that most (not all) guys DO think about sex all the time, with or without ADD. That shouldn't really be a revelation. And from the what I feel is inappropriate ways that most guys talk about it on, for instance, a sports forum I go to, you are just married to guys, not necessarily having anything to do with ADD.

Now, that said, ADD and lack of impulse control could lead it to be a bit worse, but it would depend on the person, situation, established boudaries, upbringing, etc.

Myself, I'm very playful and love to roughhouse. My wife likes to as well, and in fact, she brought it out in me and encouraged it. I will say though, that when we were newly married, she eventually let me know that she didn't like being pinned or feeling helpless, powerless. So, I always took it easy, and avoided that so she wouldn't be uncomfotable and we could have fun.

We play like little kids sometimes. It is fun, and we BOTH enjoy it. If she didn't, I'd stop.

Let me also add that playful roughhousing is a way that guys show they like a girl. Remember back to the days as a kid, where the boy behind you in class flicked you and poked you, etc.? He liked you. I don't know why, but we males often show affection in such ways.

Now, constant objectifying of a woman's sexuality is another topic, and it sounds like some things are just downright rude, and would make some of you feel like that's the only reason he likes you, which is understandably unacceptable. It is, however, something I see a lot from other guys.

It's environmental conditioning interacting with genetics.

If this is such a common problem with ADHD men, why hasn't there been a post in this thread for four and a half years? Someone must have really had to search to find what they were looking for.

Do you know what's so sad about blaming everything on ADHD? It wastes precious time when we could be getting help with other problems. Unwanted and/or inappropriate touch is sexual assault, regardless of whether you are married or not.

Mincan, good call on the environment. If Daddy is treating Mommy with such disrespect, what does this say to the kids who are growing up around this? It's o.k. dear, Daddy's ADHD is acting up. Is Dr. Phil still awake?

I re-read my post today and realised it probably sounds a little harsh, so to put it into context a bit:-
We are both in our late forties, and it is a second marriage for both of us. My husband is only just starting treatment, so up till a short time ago had been undiagnosed.
He is a wonderful man, who is eager to get help and treatment, and would do anything to make things better between us, and I love and admire him very much. Over the years I suppose we have worked out strategies for dealing with forgetfulness, procrastination etc., without knowing why we have had to do it, and I'm happy to do what I can to make things easier for him. I deal with finances, ring him to make sure he's up for work etc., and have a pretty good idea of what he can and can't manage, and work around it. He is a kind, loving man and I didn't mean my post to sound like I was completely fed up with him! I love him to bits!

There are some things I know a lot of folks have problems with, like money and jobs, which luckily we don't... he is happy for me to do the bill paying, and he has a job where he can, within reason, work the later hours that suit him.

But he DOES have a problem with being very impulsive - he says and does inappropriate things both in social situations, work, and at home, so the sex thing may just be a combination of being a normal man and thinking about it more than I do anyway (sorry if that's a sweeping statement - I truly don't want to offend anyone) AND his impulsiveness making it spill over into situations that to me, seem quite strange and inappropriate at times.

And I am not trying to blame 'everything' onto his ADD - all I can say is that his attitude to sex is very very different to anyone else I have ever had a relationship with, and this is the first time I have seen anyone post something about behaviour which sounds very similar to his. I have never had a partner, for example, whose idea of helping me in with the weekly shopping is to grab my boobs while I'm struggling with the bags.. not helpful or funny when it's so often... but the impulsiveness MAY explain that one I guess. But I will be seeing his doctors too so if I get the chance to speak to them alone, I might ask whether this is something that comes up with other people, or might there be a different explanation for it (the way he was brought up, just the way he is....something else....)

I should have worded my post more like a question rather than an assumption, so sorry everybody if it sounded like 'just another attack on ADD'.. I didn't mean it to.

And thanks for the replies and your perspective on things.. I need to go away and give this some thought now :-)

Alice does he know how much this bothers you - have you explained why this is a problem for you and tried to come together as a couple and explore ways to compromise?

I do not think it is odd for a man to want to play around with his wife I would find it questionable if he "forces" this behavior upon you unabated after finding out it is uncomfortable for you - I use the word unabated because some times being impulsive means forgetting momentarily that a particular action is unwanted but will halt immediately when reminded.

Gary is bad about handing me things like business records when I am in the middle of other things like cat box cleaning - With me the combination could easily result in his business paper work ending up in the cat box and me having no memory of how it got there - I constantly ask him not to hand me things like business paper work when I am in the middle of some thing else


We discussed this problem came to the solution of designating a specific place for said records so that he can take care of the "debriefing" when ever the mood strikes. He knows to put the paper work for his business there and I know to look there before asking him to dig though the brief case jungle.

Some times Gary forgets and will try to hand me one thing when I am in the middle of another or when my hands are full - I have to remind him but when I do he remembers and attempts to correct. The attempts are obvious even though progress is slow there is progress. Gary by the way is untreated hyperactive ADD and 100% male. . . .Yes he thinks of sex a lot but many NT men do that as well they are just more likely to exercise restraint in the expression department

In healthy relationship ADD not with standing there should be a give and take on both sides of the coin. He should be willing to respect your boundaries and attempts to do so should be visible {no matter how crude or comical} but on the other hand there should be attempts on your end to accommodate his sexual "playfulness" - This should be obvious also {no matter how crude or comical} -


The four year old sexual touching thing and this thread was started back in 2004 {thread necrophelia}

It's environmental conditioning interacting with genetics.


Minican most females are sexual beings also ,although genetics and environment do influence us to a degree.

I think it is a stress issue in not wanting to have sex - I mean some one is complaining their husband wants to grab their boobs in the bedroom - well unless children are present it doesn't get any more appropriate than that.

You know I am a woman yet I fail to understand women - we get all gussied up remain clean and fresh smelling so we will be attractive then biatch when our husbands are sexually interested. Hello - enjoy their interest or get a check up or therapist to find out why you aren't ever interested. {if this be the case some thing is wrong}

Contrary to popular belief it is actually natural for a women to be sexually interested at least once or twice a month especially those who are healthy and still in their reproductive years. Menopause and old age will creep up on you before you know it so enjoy the attention when it is appropriate because some women never get it . . . If you can't at least give in and semi-enjoy the experience then there is a problem The frequent culprit for me is anxiety due to my life being out of balance I am bad about allowing stress to build.

Hi meadd823,

Thankyou so much for your post... given me lots to think about here :-)

I think there are several things you talked about that may be a factor in this (for me not him)

He does have a much higher sex drive than me anyway - once or twice a week would do me fine, whereas his preference would be every day at least once (that isn't an assumption or exaggeration, it's his own words), and I ain't got the energy for that any more! I guess maybe I'm partly afraid to encourage him with the playfulness for that reason even when it is at a appropriate time and place - there's just no stopping him then and I can't keep up. Perhaps I'm just turning into a menopausal old witch :-) (Yes I am at 'that' time of my life too :-) )

Also you mentioned stress... well... I am feeling that, yes. I have a very stressful job that I hate but can't do anything about, recently lost a close relative and I'm caring for another, money issues (nothing in particular, just struggling from month to month) and if that doesn't stress me out enough I can always rely on my ADD teenager to add the finishing touches!

So.. a compromise I think... as long as he accepts I don't want to do it as often as he does, I will try to lighten up and get my sense of humor back!

Thanks so much again x

Slack Alice, it's also easy to blame yourself for something that has little to do with you. Inappropriate sexual behaviour can be a symptom of other problems, both physical, mental and emotional. A therapist can go on a fishing expedition to find out why we do stuff.

Hmm, scary that he continues when you say stop...Hmm I'd say kick him as hard as you can in the balls, and when he starts to wimper, tell him that does not hurt stop being a baby and handle it like a man.


In all honesty, it takes only one time to far when your in the hospital for either a broken something or something thats cut open.

If he is being a bully,and laughs at your pain,i think you need to get his attention.give him a taste of REAL pain and laugh .....i lke what collagekid said .for starters .........i am guilty of the same thing:eek:and that really got my attention.

if he is a real man he will get the message(that is what balls are for :cool:)

I am very very ticklish, and like Mike's lady I hate being pinned.

I have had many boyfriends take things too far pinning me down and tickling me until I couldn't breath and was close to panic. One day while being held down and laughed at for begging for air I bit his arm hard enough to bleed. HARD.

Man was he mad but he got off me. I threw a pillow at him and said "I couldn't breath you *******!"

He got the point.

I learned a valuable lesson that day. Respect my boundaries or I will defend myself.

Watch out, this witch bites and will punch you in the eye.

PS Ive met many women who did give their hubby sex everyday .. for a week then he got worn out and didn't bug them for a while after wards.

If this is such a common problem with ADHD men, why hasn't there been a post in this thread for four and a half years? Someone must have really had to search to find what they were looking for.

Do you know what's so sad about blaming everything on ADHD? It wastes precious time when we could be getting help with other problems. Unwanted and/or inappropriate touch is sexual assault, regardless of whether you are married or not.

With all due respect, I could not disagree more.

Just because no one has started a thread on this does not mean that it's contrived or frivolous, or something someone was "looking for." It has more to do, I suspect, with people not knowing what might be associated with ADHD and what is "personality."

Given that ADHD-related neurobehaviors are highly variable, it's no surprise that drawing these lines can be confusing.

Moreover, it's not "blaming" the behavior on ADHD. It's trying to explain why someone whom you know to be kind and caring -- who under normal circumstances would never want to hurt you -- does hurtful things and then doesn't "get" how hurtful they are. And why they don't know how to prevent doing it again.

It seems ironic that while you don't want to "blame ADHD," you leap to calling this behavior sexual assault!

The fact is, ADHD often means one is not aware of both internal and external phenomenon. So, the idea of relying on your partner with ADHD to notice a certain look on your face while in the throes of rough-housing is simply not realistic; it doesn't take into account the core challenge: not noticing!

One of the most basic metaphors to explain ADHD is having trouble "putting on the brakes." And I cannot think of a more apt example of how this can play out in everyday life. A person gets going in the fun (and stimulation) of rough-housing and cannot put on the brakes.

Hi meadd823,

He does have a much higher sex drive than me anyway - once or twice a week would do me fine, whereas his preference would be every day at least once (that isn't an assumption or exaggeration, it's his own words), and I ain't got the energy for that any more! I guess maybe I'm partly afraid to encourage him with the playfulness for that reason even when it is at a appropriate time and place - there's just no stopping him then and I can't keep up. Perhaps I'm just turning into a menopausal old witch :-) (Yes I am at 'that' time of my life too :-) )



Alice, I'd be very cautious about blaming your uneasiness about this situation on your being a "menopausal old witch," etc. Listen to your feelings on this.

I don't think anyone likes to constantly be grabbed inappropriately, such as when carrying in the grocery bags. And, this isn't the first time I've heard about this issue among partners of men with ADHD. It's not universal, mind you, but it's common enough. And it's easy to see how ADHD symptoms can lead to it. A knowledgeable clinician should be familiar with this.

You're right, it could be impulsivity: going with the first impulse instead of stopping to think about a better plan of action. Plus, there's the visual aspect: your breasts are smack center in his field of vision, your feelings are obscured in the fog of the distant horizon. :p

It could also be "self-medicating" with sex. No one can account for individual differences in libido, but for some men with late-diagnosis ADHD, sex has become the answer to everything, especially dealing with emotions. Feeling sad? Try sex. Feeling mad? There's always sex. Want to connect with your partner? Of course sex!

In short, your partner might need to learn some new strategies in the intimacy department, including listening to you.

With all due respect, I could not disagree more.

Just because no one has started a thread on this does not mean that it's contrived or frivolous, or something someone was "looking for." It has more to do, I suspect, with people not knowing what might be associated with ADHD and what is "personality."


Given that ADHD-related neurobehaviors are highly variable, it's no surprise that drawing these lines can be confusing.

Given the rate of co-morbidity and the far from defined symptomology of adult ADHD it'd be real tough to say that this is a result of ADHD. It would be jumping the gun in the extreme to say there is any corelate here. There are a whole lot of people here highly motivated and interested in ADHD, and in reading the research and assorted webinfo so it does raise a red flag when a rather odd behaviour is attributed.

Moreover, it's not "blaming" the behavior on ADHD. It's trying to explain why someone whom you know to be kind and caring -- who under normal circumstances would never want to hurt you -- does hurtful things and then doesn't "get" how hurtful they are. And why they don't know how to prevent doing it again.

Kinda like attributing everything under the sun to laziness, lack of caring, or stupidity and this is after diagnosis?

It seems ironic that while you don't want to "blame ADHD," you leap to calling this behavior sexual assault!

Technically it is sexual assault. It's a boundary issue and a little hazy when in relationship, but any unwanted sexual advance is sexual assault. (no means no y'know?)

The fact is, ADHD often means one is not aware of both internal and external phenomenon. So, the idea of relying on your partner with ADHD to notice a certain look on your face while in the throes of rough-housing is simply not realistic; it doesn't take into account the core challenge: not noticing!

I have heard this and I have searched for explanations of this and I have had trouble finding research on this for adults. I have seen research on it for children. The problem I have with the 'not noticing' is that this is repeat behaviour that has been objected to. It's pretty hard to not notice that someone is really shaken by something. I have had people jump out at me and I went into a form of mild shock which was highly noticeable and while I can be a pretty mild person, I assure you my response was clear and certain that this was absolutely not acceptable.


I understand that some facial expressions are difficult to read, some of the more subtle ones, and indeed I do have trouble with that at times, particularly when I don't know the person but we're talking about a much more extreme emotional reaction. Startlement, fear, panic, and exasperation are not subtle and not easy to misinterpret or miss.


It bothers me a great deal that I might be unaware of internal and external phenomena that is important to people I care for. It's difficult to accept tho I am not closed to the possibility even tho that is not my experience as I haven't been told I am nor has it been a complaint. (and there have been plenty of those)

One of the most basic metaphors to explain ADHD is having trouble "putting on the brakes." And I cannot think of a more apt example of how this can play out in everyday life. A person gets going in the fun (and stimulation) of rough-housing and cannot put on the brakes.

Absolutely, it can be difficult to put on the breaks, but it's not that difficult to not do something that seriously frightens or offends someone you care about a second, third, fourth and fifth etc.. time. It's not the initial behaviour that could indeed be attributed to ADHD but the repeat offenses that involve extreme reaction.

I'm not there yet in terms of 'groping oaf' being a symptom of ADHD. Sounds more like NPD.

I have never had a partner, for example, whose idea of helping me in with the weekly shopping is to grab my boobs while I'm struggling with the bags.. not helpful or funny when it's so often... but the impulsiveness MAY explain that one I guess. But I will be seeing his doctors too so if I get the chance to speak to them alone, I might ask whether this is something that comes up with other people, or might there be a different explanation for it (the way he was brought up, just the way he is....something else....)

Alice, I can't even imagine how frustrating this is for you. My reaction would be at the top of my lungs and probably a promise of severe bodily harm and the loss of a limb possibly two.

I should have worded my post more like a question rather than an assumption, so sorry everybody if it sounded like 'just another attack on ADD'.. I didn't mean it to.

I'm not sure if it is part of ADHD or not, and to me the flag is that it continues despite your reaction to it. I was not the least bit concerned about mischaracterization of ADD in your post, however, I was for what you are going thru. Don't even worry about it being an attack on ADD, that you came looking for answers, because your partner is known to have ADD .. seems a reasonable thing to do.

My strong recommendation should it happen again, drop the groceries and yell at the top of your lungs. if it happens after such an episode as that, then he's got some other problem (I sincerely believe this because then it could definitely no longer be attributed to 'impulsiveness')

developmental delay

n. A chronological delay in the appearance of normal developmental milestones achieved during infancy and early childhood, caused by organic, psychological, or environmental factors.

*************


<table id="wn"><tbody><tr><td valign="top">Noun</td><td valign="top">1.</td><td>arrested development - an abnormal state in which development has stopped prematurely

</td></tr></tbody></table>**********

ADHD: Delay or deviation? (http://www.apa.org/monitor/feb08/adhd.html)

Importantly, though, the overall pattern of development was the same, pointing to developmental delay in ADHD, not abnormal development.

Just because no one has started a thread on this does not mean that it's contrived or frivolous, or something someone was "looking for."Some people object to reviving very old threads; I don't. If a topic or comment is still valid and if someone is able to increase their knowledge base or broaden their perspective by reading and replying to an old thread, that's what these forums are all about. Some people come to specific websites to seek validation of their experience. Some people come to specific websites to seek answers to questions they have. Some people do both. To seek validation without increasing or testing your knowledge base is not productive and can actually be harmful to yourself and your relationships with others. A valuable discussion group or support system encourages intellectual and emotional growth.

It seems ironic that while you don't want to "blame ADHD," you leap to calling this behavior sexual assault!We teach children to recognize appropriate and inappropriate touching. The legal system defines what sexual assault is and to minimize it is questionable.

The fact is, ADHD often means one is not aware of both internal and external phenomenon. So, the idea of relying on your partner with ADHD to notice a certain look on your face while in the throes of rough-housing is simply not realistic; it doesn't take into account the core challenge: not noticing!Rough-housing is something we deal with when working with children and most schools have a firm, hands-off policy. Most kids have a pretty good handle on it by adolescence, but it continues to be an issue for a small group of people for various reasons - impulsivity being one of them. ADHD adolescents are often more impulsive than their peers. What I have noticed in the classroom, the hallways and on the playing fields is that even though the adolescent ADHDer may still forget the hands-off policy, they sincerely regret their lapse in control and over time, decrease the behaviour or channel it into things like sports.

Why do I think of autism spectrum disorders when I read what you have written regarding not recognizing body language? Attention deficit means that we miss things because we are distracted by something else - intrinsic and external stimuli. We may miss the transitions in social interaction and loose our place, so to speak, but we still know and recognize facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. People in the autism spectrum or people with non-verbal learning disorders really struggle with this and never really "get" it.

We may miss the transitions in social interaction and loose our place, so to speak, but we still know and recognize facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. People in the autism spectrum or people with non-verbal learning disorders really struggle with this and never really "get" it. [/QUOTE]

Sure, we know that about autistic-spectrum conditions, but it's also true that auditory processing is often impaired with ADHD (in fact, processing of all kinds of signals can be impaired; that's sort of the basic issue).

Faulty auditory processing (a dopamine issue) can, in fact, distort the "tone" of someone's voice. A threat can be heard, for example, when there is none. This would reflect an overactive limbic system (volume turned up on threat), to put it simply.

My original point, though, was that we cannot say "this is ADHD" but we can look at how known ADHD neurobehavioral traits play out in various ways, depending on the individual.

We cannot forget that ADHD is only one part of a person's "personality" (for lack of a better term), and other factors will affect how those ADHD symptoms manifest in individuals.

I only ask him to stop when it's literally causing me pain or I'm afraid of being injured. I feel vulnerable being hit, pushed around and prodded and saying "ouch" or "please stop" does not make him stop or take me seriously.


Being hit - this is part of "playing"??

Alice, I'd be very cautious about blaming your uneasiness about this situation on your being a "menopausal old witch," etc. Listen to your feelings on this.


I wouldn't take all the blame either -most things are interactive besides as far as I am concerned whose fault it is doesn't really matter as much as how to best deal with stopping the pain.


I think compromise is good in most matters but I draw the line on physical pain personally.


The hitting doesn't sound good and I do recommend seeking safety if actual assault is what is being experienced - I hesitate to call every unwanted male sexual advance an "assault" especially if I were married or living with said male.

I just tend to shy away from this term because there is a huge difference between a male whom you are not in a "committed" relationship with making unwanted sexual advances and a "male partner" doing so in an attempt to 'persuade" -

I mean come on gals - If we never give our man sex, we forbid "farming " this out , meaning most of us women will get mad if hubby "gets it" elsewhere. A subset even denying their male porn and/ or masturbation - Given these circumstances it would seem a tad unfair to label sexual friskyness as a sexual assualt / abuse.

I do not know the OP's situation but if actual abuse is happening then the relationship needs to be terminated, she needs to seek a safe place, therapy and remain separated until her and her husband seeks some professional help in this area Even then I would proceed with caution.

I was going to let this pass and then realized that disagreeing with Meadd823 was too rare an opportunity to pass up.


The hitting doesn't sound good and I do recommend seeking safety if actual assault is what is being experienced - I hesitate to call every unwanted male sexual advance an "assault" especially if I were married or living with said male.

I just tend to shy away from this term because there is a huge difference between a male whom you are not in a "committed" relationship with making unwanted sexual advances and a "male partner" doing so in an attempt to 'persuade" -This is the stuff of courtroom arguments on points of law. I don't expect everyone to share my perspective - heaven knows some guys still don't believe no means no so why bother? A Google for definition of sexual assault brought up this (http://www.womanabuseprevention.com/html/sexual_assault.html). Highlighting is mine.

MYTH: It's only sexual assault if physical violence or weapons are used.

FACT:Sexual assault is any unwanted act of a sexual nature imposed by one person upon another. The Criminal Code definition of sexual assault includes a number of acts ranging from unwanted sexual touching, to sexual violence resulting in wounding, maiming or endangering the life of the victim.
Most sexual assaults are committed by a man known to the victim who is likely to use verbal pressure, tricks and/or threats during an assault.


MYTH: Unless she is physically harmed, a sexual assault victim will not suffer any long-term effects.

FACT:Sexual assault can have serious effects on women's health and well-being. A recent survey of Canadian women found that nine out of ten incidents of violence against women have an emotional effect on the victim. Women who have been sexually assaulted feel anger, fear and can become more cautious and less trusting. (9)
MYTH: Women cannot be sexually assaulted by their husbands or boyfriends.

FACT:Under the law, women have the right to say no to any form of sex, even in a marriage or dating relationship. The Canadian Panel on Violence Against Women found that 38% of sexually assaulted women were assaulted by their husbands, common-law partners or boyfriends. (10) Although sexual assault within relationships has been illegal in Canada since 1983, few women report such incidents to police.





I do not know the OP's situation but if actual abuse is happening then the relationship needs to be terminated, she needs to seek a safe place, therapy and remain separated until her and her husband seeks some professional help in this area Even then I would proceed with caution.re: unwanted sexual touching:

KISS principal: we teach preschoolers that the area of their bodies that can be covered by a bathing suit is a private zone (our mouths are also included in the private zone) and no one, including doctors, mommies, daddies or friends should touch us there without our permission. The reason why this is important is that children are often abused by people who are in a position of trust - "stranger danger" totally blew it because as one police commissioner said, "Kids are safer on the streets than they are in their own homes." I digress.

The last time I looked, a bathing suit covered the breasts and genital area of girls (we are not discussing topless or nude beaches). I interpret the law to mean that when consenting adults make out, touching the breasts is not assault. Grabbing someone's private parts without preamble is not considered foreplay in most civilized societies, but each to his own. If one's partner does not enjoy having a breast or crotch grabbed while doing the dishes or working with a bandsaw is it unwanted? If it is unwanted sexual touching, it fits the definition of sexual assault.

We teach little kids about the private zone. We teach kids with autism about circles (boundaries). We teach teenage girls about date rape. Where do we fudge the line?

Some people believe that oral sex is not sex.

Perhaps I misinterpreted the OP's post.

Hmm, kind of an old thread, but I read it and the OP's husband/boyfriend sounds a lot like me. I'm very 'rough-and-tumble', don't realise my own strength/size, and have a tendency to not know when to stop if I'm 'horsing around' with a gf. One of my ex's used to grab my nose or an ear (or my gentlemen's area if she could reach) to convey a very sore message 'That's enough'.

I generally only muck about with gf's now if they specifically ask me to show them something that they could use in a self-defence situation, and I'm very careful not to hurt them, but I do emphasise that they should go absolutely wild if they were ever attacked for real; scratch, bite, twist, scream, kick, spit, and gouge anything that they can, to get away. No holding back.

Anyways, I get all of my 'rough play' out of the way with my sports these days, I do grappling, various martial arts, weights, running etc.
This lessens the 'need' to rough-house with the wrong people - namely gf's.

Logic

psssst the trick is your supposed to be letting us win, not pinning us down and making us feel vulnerable *wink*

psssst the trick is your supposed to be letting us win, not pinning us down and making us feel vulnerable *wink*

Okay, you win this debate. Wink. Wink. Wink. ;)

We may miss the transitions in social interaction and loose our place, so to speak, but we still know and recognize facial expressions, tone of voice and body language. People in the autism spectrum or people with non-verbal learning disorders really struggle with this and never really "get" it.

Actually, that's not strictly true about ADHD causing no problems with reading facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, etc.

Remember that our eyes, ears, and other sensory organs receive information from the environment. But it's up to our brain to make sense of ("interpret") the data. For example, our ear hears but our brain explains.

Incoming images, sound waves, etc. are translated into electro-chemical messages. Those translated messages then must travel through complex neural circuitry to the brain centers where they will be processed (e.g. auditory processing cortices, etc.). Accurate "translation" of stimuli depends on adequate neurotransmitters being in place and doing their job along the way.

The fact is, ADHD neurobiology can distort these messages -- both from external and internal stimuli.

For example, "dopamine issues" can create problems with hearing accurately (content AND tone of voice) and also receiving messages within the body, such as with sleep apnea (where the "message" to open the throat upon registering low oxygen isn't transmitted quickly enough, to put it simply).

Gina

An interesting sidenote. Research from neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp indicates that "rough-housing" actually helps to hard-wire the brain. In fact, he offers a theory that overprotecting children can harm their brain, that it's active play that stimulates brain development.

Wow we need people like you posting Gina!

Am I the only person who noticed that the OP's post got completely hijacked? Darla2 (remember her?) wasn't talking about sexual impropriety, she was talking about being hurt by her boyfriend. And his utter disregard for her objections.

Darla2, it doesn't really matter if your bf has boundaries issues, ADHD, a playful personality, or whatever. He's hurting you. Even after you tell him in no uncertain terms to stop. In case you haven't figured it out, that's abuse. Small-scale at this point, but still abuse.

You say his intentions are good, but what happens if he gets really angry?

If it was me, I'd sit him down when we're both calm. Tell him I care about him deeply, but I absolutely refuse to allow fear into our relationship. If it happens one more time, we're done. No second chances. And be ready to deliver on that promise.

Then I'd call around to find out what to do if the relationship becomes large-scale abusive, before it happens.

I know it sounds like I'm making him out to be a monster. I'm not. The kind of person he is and the reasons this is happening are immaterial. He's hurting you, and ignoring you when you tell him. You're in danger.

Do something about it.

ZD

An interesting sidenote. Research from neuroscientist Jaak Panksepp indicates that "rough-housing" actually helps to hard-wire the brain. In fact, he offers a theory that overprotecting children can harm their brain, that it's active play that stimulates brain development.Did the scientist define rough-housing as physical contact with another person or just challenging physical play with objects as in sports or outdoor activities? Our schools apply a "hands-off" policy because some students have difficulty with personal boundaries, impulsivity and setting limits. Bullies call it play too. More information regarding the study please.

Sorry, I'm really too busy right now to write up a report on that research. I'm sure you could Google him and read about it.

I get in trouble a lot for treating my fiancee as a "play thing." I get physical or start poking or start doing whatever, and then I find it very hard to stop when I'm asked or told to until she does something "serious" to stop me. I just let me impulsiveness get the best of me sometimes.

Am I the only person who noticed that the OP's post got completely hijacked?

Nope, just the only one perhaps that hasn't noticed this thread was resurrected... the OP was from 2004 ;)

If I might chime in here (albeit late).

This is an issue of boundries and awareness. My husband "rough houses" with me. Not to hurt me or anything but he is unware of himself sometimes and usually ends up apologizing.

We have an incident last night. He isn't aware of social cues, he can't tell when I'm not in the mood or too occupied for playing around or groping. He also doesn't seem to be aware of body language that isn't accepting of his play.

My routine everynight is to cook dinner, clean the dishes and kitchen and then pick up around the house and then go to bed. I'm usually exhausted after a day of work and a day of running behind a 2 year old. I got to the dinner, dishes, and kitchen part but when I started picking up in the living room he came up behind me to grope me/grab me around the waist. Body language wise I stiffened and retreated away, then slapped his hand away, but he was too busy living in his head at the time he kept on and we ended up stumbling with him crushing the heck out of my foot. Needless to say it took that and me finally screaming at him and in pain to wake him up.

This happened a lot. He also can get over excited about something and "attack" you. Like if he is describing a martial arts movie or a football game, he could get so hyper and exciting that if he started to act out the whatever he was describing he might actually hit you on accident or use you to demonstrate (and actually hurt you).

If somethingis funny or if he is talking about something that is exciting him I would have to hold his hand and squeeze it to calm him down. He could rattle a table.

Sometimes he'll grab me in bed to cuddle but ends up crushing my boobs or accidentally knocking his head into mine. For a while I couldn't just bend over to pick up something or get something because he would rush him behind me to hump on my butt almost as if on instinct.

Its gotten better with time and him practicing self awareness and getting on medication but I totally know where the OP is coming from.

Allcriedout- it sounds like you are doing a great job with re-directing your partner. It sounds like he's trying to have better awareness too. This is a good thing.

Hang in there, hon. I know it has been tough lately.

Oh I can relate! My Husband was much worse in his twenties for these things he has mellowed out a bit now that he is older and his health is delicate. I also had to learn to really be firm with him on these issues.
I sat him down and explained to him that my body is my body, it belongs to me. My body is for my pleasure first not his. Basically I staked territory. MINE. I told him he needed permission to do anything more than a hugs or a kiss.
He was hurt at first I think he sulked and tried to punish me by not touching me at all and going on about it in public. So I asked him how he would feel if some man acted like that with our daughter one day? That made him think. I protect my boundaries and he tries to respect them. I keep my mouth shut about how he rough houses with our Son because Son loves it and they don't rough house with me or Daughter. Fair trade.