Hi. I'm new here. I'm also just really learning about ADD for the first time, so I hope everyone will bear with me as I work through some of my questions.

My boyfriend was diagnosed with ADD as a child. He's in his 30's now. He's very gregarious and energetic. This means he's often a lot of fun to be around. The downside is that he can sometimes get too rough with me. He does not have ill intentions, he's just playing. He's also bigger and sturdier than I am. So, for example, grabbing my knee in a certain way may cause me pain, but would not cause him any if he were to do the very same thing to himself.

Ultimately, the part about this that is distressing is that he does not stop when I ask him to. He is not a mean person. I think he genuinely does not believe that he is causing me pain. He thinks I'm over-reacting. I try to be really nice but firm about it and tell him that yes, it really hurts and it's not okay with me that he's hitting, grabbing or prodding me in a way that hurts and that I need him to listen to me and take me seriously. He often reacts by rolling his eyes and saying something like, "Oh my god, that does *not* hurt", or he can become defensive. Sometimes he gets angry with me. And sometimes he just keeps on going with whatever he is doing to me with even greater intensity until i'm literally yelling for him to stop. And then we both end up angry and fighting. But seriously, I only ask him to stop when it's literally causing me pain or I'm afraid of being injured. I feel vulnerable being hit, pushed around and prodded and saying "ouch" or "please stop" does not make him stop or take me seriously.

I can see how it could be confusing for him, because I *am* a phyisical person and I like to horse around. I'm not uptight, and I can be very playful. But I draw the line at physical pain, or fear of being injured. And I feel it is reasonable to ask him to stop and expect him to listen to me and take me seriously. He does not feel that I'm being reasonable. This is frustrating and I don't know what to do or how to communicate that something really hurts and I really need him to stop, listen to me, and believe me.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this or have any suggestions?

I don't want to attribute all of this to the ADD. But I wanted to throw it out there in case anyone else has experienced this or might have some input.
I hope I am not offending anyone by implying that this could be an ADD thing - maybe it is not. So just let me know. And thanks!

I sometimes find Mrs. Clam to be a lot more fragile than I expect her to be. It's frustrating because I don't consider myself to be a violent or cruel person, it's very hard to realize and come to terms with the fact that I have hurt her on occasion, completely by accident, sure, but she's still hurt!

Are you brave enough to have him read that post you just put here?

Darla, that's scary. Messy rooms, etc. are one thing. Being afraid he will hurt you is another. I'd get a counselor who knows about ADHD. Your posts in other threads tell me you're a wonderful person -- don't be so wonderful you get hurt or lose yourself. Remember to treat yourself like you are your best friend.

Being very physical isn't an ADD trait in itself but problems with boundaries can be huge issue for people with ADD. This is includes actual physical boundaries too. From what you have said his intentionsare not to try to hurt you but you are still being hurt.

Have you tried talking to him about this when it's not happening?

Maybe you are being too nice to him about this and he just not getting it. He needs help with setting up some boundaries in this situation. Maybe for your own protection one of those boundries needs to be that he can only touch you if you give him an actual signal or premission. Or he needs to know that if you say ouch or have an upset look on his face that he needs to leave you a lone. Maybe you just need to leave the room right away if he starts to cross the line with you.

my sister was like that, I actually ran away from home a lot cause of that, and when I got dxed i was dxed as paranoid. I even got a rock thrown at my head and had stitches in the back of my head, there probably is a hospital record somewhere. I am still afraid of my sister. I think it starts with not respecting personal boundaries, then I think it gets exciting, I think a person gets off on the stimulation of the rough contact, and if the boundaries are not reinforced I think it gets to be part of the pattern in the relationship. I am not sure if need for stimulation would be classified as an ADD trait, but I think after that point, and it becomes sadistic, it is no longer an ADD trait but gets out of control.

...problems with boundaries can be huge issue for people with ADD. This is includes actual physical boundaries too. From what you have said his intentions are not to try to hurt you ...
My husband also has problems understanding when it is appropriate to say something or do something. Luckily he understands this and it is often a simple reminder from me that gets him to stop. We also enjoy wrestling around together...although I'm not positive playing around like that could be a way to get rid of energy???

I read another post that suggested talking to a counsellor...I agree with that suggestion. Possibly if your husband hears what you're trying to say from someone else's mouth he might be more willing to listen.

Good luck!
bright eyes

Hi, I'm new here too. I've also had boundary issues (though not physical) with my ADD husband. Sometimes (only sometimes) it is helpful to talk about it at another time (i.e., outside of the situation). Perhaps you've tried this but you didn't mention it. In my experience there can be defensiveness when you call someone on it as it is happening - maybe its shame or embarrassment or guilt. But if you talk about it at another time, in the caring way you explained it in your message, perhaps he would be more open to taking it more seriously.