Help! I feel like I am drowning! Does anyone have any advice or any experience that can give me some insight or advice?

I live with my significant other and we have been together about 6.5 months, our relationship has been drifting apart for a few weeks now and shortly after the last "heated discussion" between us I finally seeked professional help , I have been officially diagnosed ADHD after living with some denial on my part that might be one of my issues in life.

I am grieveing over the pain of "things" might have been easier in life if my parents would have had me get help a very long time ago..I do NOT cheat on my partner but I do Know that my partner is not very open to my ADHD and informed me last evening that OUR relationship is like this:

When you get a new puppy, it's all cute, and yippy and fun to play with, then after awhile the barking and jumping around drive you crazy or annoying and basically the NEW has wore off.

Is he telling me that he doesn't want to deal with my ADHD and other things he doesn't like about me, because he has had his fun and the relationship is over:confused:

He gets upset with me that I am very repitious in my talk, and I forget things very easily, and I am very distracted, and that I don't follow directions well. I think all of these things I mentioned could be true in a "normal person, w/out ADD or ADHD..True? So is this just an excuse to end the relationship?:eek:

I don't like things about him either but I don't say that to hurt him or make him upset. I'm not cruel, I feel if you want to make a relationship work you deal with some things even if you don't particularly like them if you are in a relationship for the long-haul. Right?:confused: And if you love someone you accept them or walk away if you honestly can't.

That's a tough call. I know for myself that I'm not an easy one to live with. We have made many consessions in our marriage to ensure we continue to grow and nurture each other.

One of the things I do is make a conscious effort to do things that will lighten the load of my partner. Doing such things (without comment) routinely, acknowledge and validate her efforts. She does the same for me in many ways but in the beginning I was hardly aware of her efforts in keeping the relationship alive. So it was important that I learn to appreciate and support her in these things.

As Tom & Kay have said here before, if we can say it out loud then we can own it. I'm sure I've not quoted them correctly but it's close enough for now. The things I say out loud are of course those things that I see in my wife's effort to accommodate me and my challenging ways of living.

A big thing that has worked for us is continually re-enforcing the feeling that we are looking out for each others best interest. Protecting and supporting each other in ways that resemble gifts I suppose. I believe that love is an verb, an action to be done. In this way the word remains alive and vital for us.

We both don't believe we can change the other. We strive to accept the others short comings. Letting go of things and especially things that bug me isn't easy though. By doing this I break the cycles that would likely have me repeating mistakes rather than getting beyond them. This is a personal journey and nobody can peddle my bike better than I can. I can change myself and that's the best I can offer. The toughest things I do involve looking at myself objectively. 19 years into a marriage and still learning.
Cheers! Ian.

You sound very much like me and many years ago I heard all this over and over. Because back then I didn't know about ADD I felt like a loser and felt if I didn't try to change this guy will kick me to the curb. Changing didn't work and alot of things I just couldn't change....

I had no self esteem at this point, so when I caught my then boy friend with other girls I blamed myself for being a loser. I felt of course he'd look for someone that didn't do these "crazy" things. He said he stayed with me because he loved me and was waiting for me to wake up and do something about "my problem".....

I didn't wake up to see what "my problem" was and I married it. 21 years later I have woken up and I'm now stuck....

I like what itschaotic says in his post. I wish I had advice for you, other than telling you about myself but that's my way of letting you know I've been there....

Take care of yourself first and if you don't have a supportive partner with this person you may never......

When you get a new puppy, it's all cute, and yippy and fun to play with, then after awhile the barking and jumping around drive you crazy or annoying and basically the NEW has wore off.


He is, IMHO, telling you that while he likes playing with puppies, he doesn't like training them, teaching them not to pee in the house, and cleaning up after their inevitable messes. In other words, he's as ready for his "puppy" (i.e., a mature, long-term relationship) as a 6 year old is for a real puppy.

In still other words, not.

Love isn't about what you suffer through to get at the good bits. Love is about loving the annoying bits. Because as annoying as they are, they're part of what you love. Someone smarter than I once said something along the lines of "you like people because of their good qualities, you love them because of their bad." Because people's good qualities are that "new puppy" thing your S.O. is talking about. A relationship is only worth working on if the good qualities are worth the bad as well. In other words, don't get a puppy unless you're prepared to have it pee all over your floor and rip the snot out of your sofa.

If your S.O. isn't there, then he hasn't reached the point (which I will call "maturity" in a not-so-useful use of the word; this doesn't imply he's "wrong" because of his "immaturity", in this context) where he can commit to a relationship. With anyone. Not just you.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed. Maybe he can 'mature' quickly. But he's not gonna do it unless he wants to, and the only way that'll happen is if he decides the 'puppy' is worth it. When he's already said it's not.

If it were me, I'd leave the relationship. But that's me, an outside perspective, and before meeting my wife (who I am still blissfully happy with), I had a tendency to drop out of relationships fairly quickly, if they didn't seem "worth it" to me. Because, as you said, the only honest thing to do is accept them as they are, or to walk away if you can't. There's two parts to that acceptance; it has to be acceptable things (for instance, chewing on his moustache in that war that's irritating), not unacceptable ones (like cheating/beating/etc), and they have to decide that they're acceptable (I, for instance, found it unacceptable when a girlfriend kissed another guy. Some guys might give the girl another chance, this is a gray zone).

Really, what you have to figure out, and I mean "you" as in "the two of you", is whether or not the puppy's worth the puddles of pee, especially since (hopefully), with treatment you'll be getting "housetrained", so to speak. Not incapable of having accidents, but on the whole better at it. And, just as importantly, can you handle having someone who was almost ready to bail just because of a little harmless pee. Both questions need to be answered for the relationship to move on, IMHO.

Thanks to all of you that have been supportive here for me. We are not extremely young..I am 42 and he's 43 and he commented when I inquired about his
past 2 marriages- why the breakup-his reply"because I got tired of the BS treatment I recieved".

Maybe that sums up why his marriages and other couple "so-called committed relationships" never worked, because he did not want them too. He very much has low self esteem, has a high powered job, and spends money very impulsively I feel, priorities are almost non existent unless its something he wants, at that given moment. I am amost wondering if he is ADD or ADHD as well. Because he can not stick to a relationship very long, and it almost seems like it is "boring" him, after very short time.

Believe me my undiagnosed ADHD has not left me without a shadowed past either:o I have had 3 failed marriages as well-- for the record I "try" and always seem to come up short on the winning end. I try and try to do what is best for the two of us I believe and it always falls to the wayside. I will keep trying:eek: and hopefully someday I can get it right without hurting too many people along the way. I have never cheated on anyone I dated or married, and that's not on his list of my annoyances to him. that will never be on my list or my S.O.'s whoever that is , at that given time.

Again~ Thanks! Sorry for long post..really tearing me apart:o

Alex,
I really appreciate your posts.
Thank you!

teddy,
just wondering how things are going?

Your thread is well written, you have conveyed a situation many of us can relate to.

You've got some great reply posts and I don't really have a darn thing to add just know that we are here for you!

Are you in counseling?

{HUGS} take care of YOU, do what is best for YOU,
don't settle for less ...while you may be willing to put more effort into keeping this relationship going...what about THE perfect guy that may be out there waiting for the perfect-as-you-are you?

Thanks Charlie for your genuine concern....:) I am still hanging on..been a week since last heated discussion, a week ago Sunday evening to be exact..and then a work week from h...l and now I have caught a "flu bug" that has wiped me out. No time to disagree when you feel crappy. My S.O. has been patient overall this past week, and we had big plans for weekend and me getting ill swamped that. My S.O. has been at my side all through this weekend trying to make me feel better, so I would say that he wants the relationship to work(almost think he is ADD too, mentioned this before) also just doesn't quite know how to put it in loving words and gestures and just blurts out like me..Oh geez.. what a couple we make..I think he truly is trying when we both have had a "flu shot" ( and we both our high risk with other health issues) that he is still very attentive to my needs and being very close and loving. He never left me--only long enough to go to store for flu pick me ups..:) So hopefully this too will pass. I will just keep trying to change for the better for me and keep trying to educate both of us on ADD. I am in counseling, he is not. Thanks for your concern Charlie..It's great knowing somebody cares enough to inquire.

Yay there's hope!
Nothing like a caring male ;) nurse:)

Teddy,
We all care just not many of us willing to post to the world our thoughts!

Thanks for the update.

Yes there are many here that care and charlie ranks high among those! If you are feeling like you need some input that isn't forth comming in threads you are watching you can always drop one of us a pm and give us a nudge.. :)

The flu season this year seems to be nasty. I've been getting outside a lot hoping the ultraviolet (grasp straws now!) help to ward off the blighter's! Hope you are standing tall again soon. Your nurse sounds wonderful.
Cheers! Ian.