An above thread gives suggestions for those who live with ADD affected people. I'm interested in any suggestions for those WITH ADD to use when dealing with us who do NOT have it. I haven't read the book mentioned above (though it is enroute from Amazon...). I've used the numbered suggestions as a "jumping point" in response. Numbered lines were suggested for Non-ADD people while my lettered lines are for ADD people.

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1. Have empathy for the ADD person and try to see the world through his or her eyes of frustration and failure.

A. Have empathy for the ones your ADD affects. Feelings of Frustration is felt by everyone affected, not just those with the ADD.
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2. Go to some appointments with the doctor together

B. Ask your other to come with you. Coming with you may not be any more obvious to them than expecting you to come for their regular checkup or dental appointment.
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3. Both partners need clear education about AD/HD

C. Nothing to add here since it already expects action from both people.
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4. After the initial diagnosis take a step back from the chronic turmoil. Look at the relationship from a different perspective

D. Be realistic about your needs. If you need your other to help remember things, or to point out when you appear affected by whatever symptom is unique to you, than ask for that. Most importantly, if you ask for them to point them out, and they do in a loving, constructive manner, don’t be irritated at them, even though you might feel like it.
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5. Set up regular check in times

E. See rule above. If you want check in times, ask for them and be specific.
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6. Keep lists

F. Better yet, ask your significant other to keep YOUR list. It seems that one of the symptoms here seems to be the inability to keep track of lists so they get started, lost, started, lost, etc… If you ask your Significant Other to keep it for you, it won’t be lost. Also, this will show them you are taking responsibility in whatever manner you can.
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7. Assume the best about each person

G. Give your best to each person. Some days will be better than others, but as long as they are truly your best of that day, than nothing more needs to be expected.
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8. Set goals for each area of your life together and review them together.

H. Good suggestion for everyone, even without the difficulty added in by ADD.
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9. Set clear individual goals and share them with each other

I. Keeps your individuality, while sharing intimacy.
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10. Avoid the roles of "caregiver" and "sick one"

J. Never use any difficulty as an excuse, but also never fail to acknowledge it if it is a truthful factor.
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11. Talk out issues concerning sex in a caring manner.

K. As many other suggestions, also good no matter who is involved.
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12. Check in with each other during social gatherings

L. Remind your Significant other to do so. Also, recognize any personality issues which may make this difficult, for example those that lose track of time when talking or drinking.
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13. Get away alone together on a regular basis

M. Usually referencing Significant Others, but should include children, sometimes each separately to ensure they feel special and unique.
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14. Work together in parenting children

N. With the Chaos involved, sometimes a Significant Other will feel like the Parent of everyone. Being involved shows commitment and ensures the children don’t think of you as a “buddy” or fellow kid and the Significant Other as the “Parent” who is always the disciplinarian. Incredibly lonely position for the Significant other.
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15. Praise each other TEN times more than you criticize!

O. At least Ten times. Thanking your Significant Other for the simple things and explaining why they are so helpful will help strengthen the others commitment to doing them because of that simple recognition. They will feel less imposed upon.
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16. Get rid of hurts from the past that you carry around.

P. Anger and resentment destroys the vessel that carries it…
1. Have empathy for the ADD person and try to see the world through his or her eyes of frustration and failure.

Yes, Robert Check out the books listed at the top of this Forum (Relationships & Social Issues)

Originally posted by Robert
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6. Keep lists

F. Better yet, ask your significant other to keep YOUR list. It seems that one of the symptoms here seems to be the inability to keep track of lists so they get started, lost, started, lost, etc… If you ask your Significant Other to keep it for you, it won’t be lost. Also, this will show them you are taking responsibility in whatever manner you can.
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Actually I think asking your partner to keep you list isn't that great of an idea. It give him or her control over you. I think we as ADDers need to be responsible for ourselves and just giving a list to somebody else doesn't help us practice responsiblity.

I do think asking your partner to help you come up with a creative place to keep the list is a better idea.

Robert: Welcome to Forums...and thanks for this helpful list...I agree with Tara's suggestion...others sound right on target however...thanks:)

I really love this. As ADD'ers we spend alot of time learning to forgive ourselves and to accept our ADD. We even get angry for all the years of childhood etc where we may have been abused or hurt for having ADD. Sometimes we get so caught up in liberating ourself, that we enslave our loved ones. I need to always remember that child-like is not the same as childish and vice versa. Thank you for these and for taking the time to type them out and the tone to which they were given, honest and straight foreward. I loved this.

Slight addendum needed....

When I suggested to have your significant other hold your list, I meant to have them responsible simply for knowing where it is at a moments notice. I also don't think that person should be the one making it for you. As already mentioned, that takes the responsibility away from you and strengthens the "parent - child" style relationship.

I appreciate the support back for this. I was hesitant because I didn't want anyone to feel that I'm belittling their difficulties dealing with ADD. I simply wanted to ensure it wasn't forgotten, as Lafnalot states, that everyone is affected. From personal experience, I think most Non-Add'ers don't mind the extra work or trouble as long as they feel the ADD'er recognizes that and respects it and is making the best advances they can. Doesn't matter if they are big or small as long as they are the best that person can give that day.

I've gained alot of insight from this forum and intend to continue. We are in the process of getting "official" diagnosis for my wife and son both. Reading through many of these messages has really been a relief. My wife is the very reason I wake every day and couldn't imagine a moment without her. Unfortunately I also struggle with resentment and irritation when I feel she isn't taking my desires seriously. Simple things like picking up after herself and such. My frustration came from the fact that together we would make these rules for the children to follow, with an appropriate punishment (grounding, etc....) if they weren't followed. However, she would then not follow the rules and because she is an adult, there is no incentive (punishment) for her to change her ways. This created a "parent - child" relationship, especially because she was frustrated as well so she would take solace by "befriending", rather than parenting her daughter. Unfortunately this only made me feel lonelier since I know felt like a single parent with an additional child in the house.
We've been to counselling and it has been very helpful. I still have some childhood issues that I deal with, as well does she each day. I feel that we are both committed to making this marriage stronger in spite of difficulties. We have both been through divorce as children and I think that gives us even more strength to ensure our kids do not. Besides, as I said, even though I struggle with resentment at times, there are many more times when I'm simply stunned by her internal and physical beauty and the fact that she is with me. I can't imagine not waking beside her each day and envisioning her being there when we both get old.

I may even get a check on myself since I do have some tendancies for ADD actions. I also think that it may have come from my father since he has many of the symptoms. Unfortunately, growing up dirt poor no one ever thought to look for something like this. Basically you only see a doctor if somethings bleeding badly or broke! I may or may not be affected since I am in the USAF and the military way of life may have broke me of many of the symptoms. I'm not suggesting that to anyone as a form of treatment though!! :) Much to many stresses for that.

Looking back at this, I see, as usual I've dumped and rambled for way too long. Again, thanks for the positive feedback and great information. You will see me here more as we go...

I've given my wife the link to this site, as well as gentle reminders, but she hasn't come here yet that I know of. Hopefully soon...

Robert: I just want to say to you that I totally understand and empathize with your sometimes resentments and irritability as you feel sometimes your wife does not do her part in taking your desires seriously sometimes.....or following the rules for displince of children....since you seem to take her desires very seriously...(as stated in another post)....This certainly is a challenge...but I appeciate how those resenments are balanced out with a total commitment to her...and maybe the commitment to your marriage itself will help in the longrun to make resolution of some of these challenges a possibility....

Robert I have to comment on the understanding that you have of ADD.

You are the first Linear Thinker that I have ever seen that has been able to write what you did in a way that is both right on the nose regarding the issues but to actually write in such a tone that makes me realize that you actually understand "What It Is Like To Have ADD" or to put it the way I see it "What It Is Like "
TO BE ADD


Thanks for your posts

oh By the way :D

You should get together with my wife sometime and then you could "share Horror Stories"

Grin:D :D