I'm in college, getting married in two weeks, and need some advice. I have not been dx with ADD, but have done a lot of research over the past couple of years. I have every symptom and always have. My brother was dx this summer. It's been so hard lately. I have to do something soon or I'll be in serious student loan debt without a degree to show for it. My fiancee is really really normal. His mind doens't channel surf, he can remember things that happened an hour ago, and he doesn't understand why I can't concentrate on anything for more than a minute or two. I haven't talked to him about add for fear that he will think I'm "one of those people" who come up with unexplainable mental problems in an attempt to make excuses for their shortcomings. I almost feel better with him thinking that I'm just an airhead, that really sad. I just don't want to scare him with this because his mother is on antidepressants and they're making her crazy. I'm don't want to take rx drugs because I don't want to be a different person alltogether and I don't trust drug companies. Should I tell him about this?

If you love the man enough to marry him, why don't you love him enough to trust him with the truth about you?
It's never a good idea to start a committed relationship with secrets that could eventually undermine trust.
Ultimately, it is your decision.
Good luck.

i agree...
i've been with my husband for 12 years now, and i must say, its sad if he would prefer to consider you ditzy vs. knowing the truth. it highlights the stigma of adhd so clearly. ppl want to think that adhd can go away, just put your stuff in the same place always right? and get an organizer right? anyway, sorry, this stuff is just getting to me these days..i'm irritated by the public at large and the assumptions made sorry!!

this is how lying starts though. i'm not saying that to be severe...but its not like you're being abused right? that is a case where i might say"save the truth and your life and try to get out fast"
but in your case, which is average most likely, i would say that telling him about this is your best choice. can you really see living with him and knowing this and not being able to tell him this?
it has a lot more to do with your life than love...can you really see yourself pursuing therapy , or even trying to pick up a book about adhd if you haven't even told him you have it or might have it?
i don't see you for instance having a book about adhd on your coffee table that you might want to read to help yourself out if he is
1) negative about adhd
and
2) you haven't told him you have it

you would essentially be in the closet.
is that a good way to start your marriage?
what if he was in serious debt (worse than yours) and his credit was screwed up..would your rather him be silent about that or give you the truth so you both could work on it together?
marriage is about being a team, and if you feel like the other half of your team is reluctant to understand you fully...thats unfortunate to a high degree.
my husband is highly normal himself...super competent and utterly reliable...and he'll never understand why i have such issues even though he's heard about it enough from me..
but he endeavors to team up with me to make our lives better
perhaps i have the wrong picture though, do i?
is it just your reluctance? could it be that he would actually react much better than you might expect?

i just realized that i ask a lot of questions! :o

If you and your groom-to-be are marrying each other in sickness and in health then he needs to know about your concerns and what the steps you may be taking about it in the future.

Take an online test (Web MD?) and print out the symptoms from here or about.com (or another site you've done research on). Start by talking about your brother and what he's gone through and is doing about it now. Show the results of your test...be calm and matter of fact. Tell him that after the honeymoon one of your first orders of setting up house will be to talk to a psychiatrist or behavioral health specialist that can determine if you're on the right track about having ADD. After that, options for medication or simply coping measures in your life to help you live with it the best you can. If he doesn't know what you have, he is not going to know what reasonable expectations are, or how he can be helpful.

I bet you'd get the same answer from the non-ADD partners who visit this forum.

Oh, and congratulations, may you have a beautiful, happy future together.

Thanks for the advice!
I totally trust my fiancee, I'm just concerned that he never will be able to understand that it's a real disorder, or what it is like in my head. Like f wcomboadhd said, her husband of 12 years accepts it but never will understand what it's like. I guess people without adhd really can't be expected to know what it's like though, I really hadn't thought of it that way before.
Thanks again!

i suppose you could always photocopy the dsm-iv-tr page on add from the library -- maybe that way you can prove it is in fact a real "disorder" (although I prefer to call it difference)...

or you can do google search. I found www.behavenet.com. Clicked onto "disorders usually diagnosed in infancy, childhood or adolescence" and found an informative discription for adhd.

i agree...

i just realized that i ask a lot of questions! :o

f_wcomboadhd-------your questions are so very worthwhile. You have posed ones that I/we should always be asking. Thanks for your insights.

And your feelings are so rich, so profound and honest. You do much emoting for all of us---especially for me. You really speak and feel for me.

You are able to put into words and describe these very basic and elimental experiences of adhd humans as we attempt to gain clarity and meaning in our lives. Just wanted to let you know :cool:

This adder, (me ) always appreciates your input. ;)

I'm in college, getting married in two weeks, and need some advice.

I can only imagine the complex life which you are currently leading. You are participating in a life altering rite of passage. Just the prep work can be incredibly tiring not to mention frustrating and complicated...... If at all possible, can you try to give yourself a break. Find opportunities for quiet, calm, reflection and meditation.


I have not been dx with ADD, but have done a lot of research over the past couple of years.

Can you follow your gut........you sound like you have good instincts. Are you able to understand what holds you back from taking action or seeking dx?

For me, it was just fear. I lost so many years. Such a waste of :( ......so many dreams, hopes, expectations--lost in a morass of confusion and distractions.

I'm don't want to take rx drugs because I don't want to be a different person alltogether and I don't trust drug companies. Should I tell him about this?

Ah! Those nasty yet essential drug companies! Boy, do I understand the dilemma, the worry and concern that you have....... What to do?

Meds have been life altering. I am no different, yet, I am so improved...... :p

I hope that you can find a dx that makes sense to you. I hope that this will lead to a greater understanding of who you are. And I wish for you a marriage that is open and accepting of each of your unique qualities. Peace

i understand the reluctance to be diagnosed..what do ppl do with a negative diagnosis? what if you go in and they say absolutely positively this is not adhd i can imagine a person imagining (as i did) that a doc would look at them and laugh or not take them seriously.
we look normal. if we're not squirming how will they know that i have it? even though there are a maze of tests you can take and assessments, i still feared that my doc would say no, you have some other problem and we don't know what it is and what the answer could be. you could just be 'screwed up' LOL (i'm reffering to myself..i was an abused child, i experienced all the symptoms of adhd as far back as my memory can go, one of the things that prevented me from seeking real answers was the fear that some doc would tell me that it would be an invalid diagnosis b/c i was abused, and that i was an irrevocable mistake there was not 'do over' for me, just a chance at struggling against the bitterness of knowing that my parents ruined me)

anyway:
it can feel like jumping off a real cliff , the day of thinking you have adhd and the day its officially diagnosed and you read it in black and white. before and after. its one of the major before and afters for me and i imagine for most of us here.
its difficult. you experience joy in finding out why why why and pain about why why why you didn't know this earlier, what you could of done or perhaps feel doom as well b/c you can't escape it with some self help book for better organizing to be read at some future indefinite date...

we look normal.
:D Really?? :p

But I never felt that I did. My inner turmoil was always overflowing...it invaded my outward appearances. I looked crazy. (at least this was my interpretation of me)



it can feel like jumping off a real cliff , the day of thinking you have adhd and the day its officially diagnosed and you read it in black and white.


I can understand the idea......trouble is I always felt that I was jumping off of cliffs....all of my life. :confused: scary, chaotic, overwhelming I just needed to get onto solid ground. My life was no longer working for me and the dx for depression did not complete the profile.

After years of blaming my behavior on grief, I realized that the grief exacerbated the add symptoms; ones that had always been there. Crisis points can tend to bring out symptoms, especially when our foundation has been shifted or as we move through major transitions.