Hello Everyone,
I am a newbie here and sure glad I found this forum. My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years. It was a quick courtship (4 months), not long enough to ascertain that my husband has ADD. We have had our ups and downs...boy have we had our ups and downs! My husband has had several jobs (the last one has been long term, thank the Lord!). We owned a home but lost it. We have been living in an apartment for the last six years because rising house prices here have made home ownership impossible for us. I can't even find the words to describe how difficult it is sometimes. I feel responsible for almost everything in our lives. Bills, house cleaning, our 6 year old son and his school dealings, where we live, what we eat, doctor appointments...just everything. My husband says it is because I feel the need to be in charge of everything (my type "A"). For me it feels like I HAVE to be in charge of everything or it will go awry. It was this way before we lost our house, but since we lost it, the feeling has increased. My husband is a wonderful person. He is kind, loving,thoughtful, the best father, a good husband in many ways. Sometimes I would just like to not WORRY. When I tell him how I feel, he calls it nagging. I call it a cry for help... I have had a lot of health problems the last few year that have been difficult to go thru. Now my son is in school and I am returning to work part time (teaching) and eventually full time. I don't think I can continue keeping up with everything. Any advice on how I can approach my husband without making him feel defensive?

Thanks,

Melody

I'm very much the in-charge type as well and right now it sounds like you're wearing my Superwoman cape :) I'm guilty of taking on too much due mostly to my own expectations then getting angry and frustrated because I can't meet my own almost impossibly high standards.

I'll tell you what's worked for me. Don't expect for everything to be done the way you would do it. As long as the task is handled, let him handle it in his own way. If something is very urgent or time sensitive, make it abundantly clear and be prepared to remind him. If something doesn't get handled the way you want or as soon as you want, don't take it as a sign of unwillingness.

Ease up on yourself too. You obviously feel pretty stressed. Take some time out and organize your thoughts about very specific ways in which he can contribute to the management of your family then in a calm distraction free environment, communicate it to your husband. Consider using chore lists and other reminder systems. Your teaching background might come in pretty handy with putting together some sort of bulliten board or family calendar.

Good luck!

Here's a question... you say when you tell him how you feel, he calls it nagging. How do you tell him how you feel? How is he dealing with his ADD? Is he on medication, seeing a therapist, or anything like that?

Also, you might consider seeing a therapist and/or psychiatrist, if you aren't already. Stress and anxiety take years off your life.

Karen and exeter,
Thank you for your advice and feedback.

Karen, do we have the same seamstress? I had a "Superwoman" cape made years ago...LOL. I have been taking your advice and figuring out some things I think my husband can do to help me. In the past week or so I gave him a list and he went grocery shopping, and he finished our Christmas shopping. I was surprised and please that I was able to let go and let him do things his way. And you know what? He did a great job! I am beginning to realize that I set the tone for much of the time in our house. I guess it is a case of "If Mama ain't happy, no one's happy"...LOL So, I am working on it. I have a great husband and I am in it for the long term...

exeter, I would have to say that I let my frustration build up until I can't take it anymore and then I start "nagging". I am beginning to learn that I can not do that. I have to let some of the smaller stuff go, and other, more important things I have to talk with my husband more diplomatically about. This marriage thing ain't easy, I'll tell you...but I'm working on it. You mentioned therapy. I have considered that for some time, but have been reluctant to do so because of the stigma behind it. I'm always afraid an employer will find out somehow.

Thanks,

Melody

Melody - Sounds like you've made some great progress!

With privacy laws in place now, it's unlikely that your employer would find out about your seeking therapy and many therapists have evening hours. If you still don't want to take that avenue, I encourage you to schedule some downtime for yourself - read a book, take in a movie, go to lunch with a friend, or get a sitter and go on a date with your husband. It may seem selfish to do this but, as you've observed, things for your family go better when you're in a good frame of mind.