As a single woman, who was married, and the mother of two grown daughters [26 & 30], and currently unemployed, I struggle, daily, with lonely and lost feelings. I strive to find a goal, a meaning and direction in my life.

I just stumble; never quite reaching this something; this elusive moment/event that will add meaning to my life. I find that when I am with other people: ie. my guy friend, women friends, daughters , I have more interest and life is not such a f12345ing struggle. [excuse me :rolleyes: ]

It is just so extremely difficult to reach out. I know that I cannot rely on others to define [i]me. I just forgot how to do it for myself. [maybe I never learned...]

I'm not sure that I have learned how to live the single, successful ADD life. [assuming that it exits] I just exit on a holding pattern. I know that this is not healthy; I am ever, so aware...

In fact, in my former life as a wife/mother/worker/student/activist/volunteer.... there was so much meaning. There was a reason to get up and out and live. There were so many rewards and such self fulfillment. My life was full, inspite of my ADD self.

It is apparent that now, in my present circumstances, none of these experiences are evident. My foundation has crumbled. I have no support nor direction. I struggle, alone, with my ADD

My question to you is, my single ADDult cohorts :p :

How do you make your life work for you?
How do you find meaning in your life?
How do you put your plan into action?
What is your plan?
Any words of wisdon for this stuggling ADDer? :o
Thank you

Oh, that's so sad!

I'll be your friend. :) :)

You might want to go and be screened for depression. And perhaps someone to talk to, a therapist perhaps?

And why did you stop volunteering? Or going to school? If those added dimension and joy to your life then, now they could as well.

You shouldn't shut yourself off from the things you used to do, just because you are no longer the half of a couple. You are still a whole.

Please don't be sad! My life is what it is. This is where I am right now. I know that it's okay. If I can just slow down and be more patient. I become so impatient...and then I miss what is right there in front of me. I have time to read...... I can listen to music. I have time and I can take the time to just learn how to live. It is really a simple project, really. :rolleyes: And yes, friends are great.... thank you for your response.

Just opened a book "Start Where You Are"-Pema Chodron.

She says, "we really have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves.......they are like clouds that temporarily block our sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye from being fully awake." I am okay....and almost awake. Thank you, Swamp Donkey. ;)

[size=3][color=Teal]You might want to go and be screened for depression. And perhaps someone to talk to, a therapist perhaps?
Yes that old depression.....it does hang out with me. I am in therapy and facing it.

I guess that i am really wondering about how to get out of hibernation.....relearn how to live as a whole. But sometimes aniversary dates remind me and I come down.

I really would like to know and understand what other
ADDers experience when attempting to motivate themselves. Is this about depression or is it, infact, an ADD trait.

I will ask my therapist. And I will keep you informed.
Thanks pembrook

Deeper, you're asking some deep questions now;)

I'm not looking forward to the empty nest syndrome, which is what your post is reminding me of.

The book sounds GREAT!!!

Please keep posting the tidbits of knowledge you are gleaning from this book I will attempt to sponge it to my brain cells for future replay.

Thanks MUCHO!

Charlie, I always ask deeeeep questions. My nature and sometimes it gets in the way my being able to just breath. I feel. I just wish that i didn't feel so much.

I am seriously considering taking on a meditation coach....someone suggested this from another thread. I know that this could help me to gain focus and attain more perspective in my life.

Currently, I am working with a peer coach: I am actually learning how to shop and eat. Imagine that.....finally. [Thank you my Peerless wonder of a coach ;) ]

just one more quote, if you don't mind..... [from above noted source]

"Because we escape, we keep missing being right here, being right on the dot. We keep missing the moment we're in right now. Yet if we can experience the moment we're in, we discover that it is unique, precious and completely fresh. It never happens twice."

a lesson for the ADD heart......

Please don't be sad! My life is what it is. This is where I am right now. I know that it's okay. If I can just slow down and be more patient. I become so impatient...and then I miss what is right there in front of me. I have time to read...... I can listen to music. I have time and I can take the time to just learn how to live. It is really a simple project, really. :rolleyes: And yes, friends are great.... thank you for your response.

Just opened a book "Start Where You Are"-Pema Chodron.

;)
What a fascinating coincidence. Just this morning I started reading Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart. I usually hate spiritual approaches but I am finding the book quite wonderful It is about facing fear. Here she is speaking about people who frustrate or anger us:

"They're like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we're stuck."

Here she speaks about crises:

"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart again. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."

I was a little amazed that I could connect with this. I think my reading of the Tao te Ching as a sort of meditative habit set me up to understand what she is saying.

About the empty nest: A psychiatrist once told me that he thought that the five years after children leave home are the most dangerous for women psychologically. My depression after my daughter first moved away was absolutely horrendous. Even if we don't try to make motherhood the central meaning of our lives, that "umbilical cord" is always manifestly present as giving us power and pain. That our children need so badly to establish their independence puts us at risk. The loss is almost like a punch in the gut.

Fortunately there is the telephone and over time my daughter has come to see that my mere existence upon earth does not keep her from being herself and establishing her own goals and values. We are friends still. But the mother and daughter relationship always reminds me of this dance I saw once where both parties hold on to the end of a scarf and keep it taut between them. We are always connected but -- for the sake of human growth, we must not merge.

If you want to create a plan for your life:
My one best recommendation is to listen to and use the methods from the "Time of your life" CD's by Tony Robbins.

Your local library may have them depending on where you live.

wow....do I ever relate to your post. I have two kids (still at home) and was separated from my husband a little over a year ago, after 15 yrs of being together. I really get lost in myself, and feel so lonely...and then I realize that I have pushed everyone away...so then how do I snap out of this mess??? You seem to be a bit further along than me though...I don't see a therapist, or coach or anything.

Regarding the empty nest...my daughter is 10, and I just dread the thoughts of her leaving for university...I can barely stand when she sleeps over at a friends house!

I know exactly how you feel. your sounded so much like how i feel. iI WISH THERE WERE CHATS WHERE YOU COULD TALK TO REAL PEOPLE,

I READ SO MUCH ABOUT THE HAPPY ADDERS. AND HOW THE STRUGLE HAS MADE THEM BETTER.

I TOTALY DISAGREE, BEING FAIRLY NEW TO THE WORLD OF ADD, LEARNING DISABILITIES, AND DYSPHIA. I HAVE FINALLY ADMITTED , THAT I CANT FILL OUT PAPER WORK, OR WRITE DECENT LETTERS. AND TRYING TO CAMUNICATE, UNDER STRESS, I CANT EVEN TALK. AND I SKIP AROUND,

I ALSO LIVE A LONE, TRYING TOFIND ROOM MATES, ( OR IM GOING TO LOOSE
MY HOME.

I THINK WE GET SHOT DOWN SO MUCH. AND READING SO MUCH ABOUT THIS STUFF. IT FINALLY SINKS IN. AND TO ME WITH THE LEARNING DISABILITIES. I REALIZE, IM JUST DAMN STUPID, AND DUMB.
PEOPLE TALK AROUND ME. LIKE A DECUSSION WE WERE HAVING. THEY WILL DECUSS IT WITH ANY ONE ELSE ,

I LIVE OUT IN THE COUNTRY. AND HAVE GONE THROUGHT HELL AND BACK FOR MY HOME. BUT I Have done all i can. i have searched for a org
that, helps women, new to the single world and the add world. and trying to cope. with all the bills my ex ran up he went bank rupt. and so every one came and slaped a lean on my home. even refinacing. at a high rate. there was 2 different companys they did not pay off. so im still being hounded with them. until i cry as they were to alllbe paid off. well they say the dident.

i remember i used to fight my own battles. but im afraid i have fought so many. and still so many i cant remember all of them. its been 4 years of hell. in the books i have read. it explanes, why people with addd. have few friends, people just dont like you.

its a loanly world some times. i look out the window and all my dreams of making this a ranch. are shattered. i dont even like to go out side any more.

i loose things. things i would have never lost before. important things.

like ct papers, that were to be served, last week when i went tocourt. and i couldnt find them, i still cant find them. a map of my land. with things i had to find out. about the land around me. there just gone. never have i been so stupid.

my god every time i turn around there is a nother problem. i have no family so, no one to help me. i have tried to see ifthere were fund some where. to help so i could have a women come in once a week and. help me with some o f this stuff. i dont understand. make impornt calls.. as i dot talk right. and people egnore me.

i dont know to handle so much of this. . and there is no one . out there.
yes i went to the court and she helped me fill out the forms. they were in a ssmall breefcase i have. and then just gone.

a new life.

yes i keep thinking that yes, soon. things will straighten up. and ill be the things i have wanted to do. i have never traveled. never been out of calif. i realize. that every day this stuff gets worst. its frighting.
i had at the bank. i knew i made a deposit. it wasent shown. and i had cks bounding all over. and the charges. per ck. my god. i have never had that happened. aol is billling me double one on a credit card and one on my phone bill. i have fought with them. untill i cant fight any more.

i for get to send off the bills i write out. and im stressed out of my mind most the time. yes i know i need counciling. i was seeing her 2 times a monh
she dident want to talk about the the way i feel. now, how usless i am, how ill never have a relationship. every xmas is the same thing. i get up feed the animals. and take a sleeping pill. which last untill about 330 and i think oh god i made it through this horrid time of year once again.

i would love to have a life. but to be honest. i dont know if id even know what to do with it. iknow better that to get envolved in the community.
its a small town. blue i wish you lived close to me. and we could talk about this mess were trying to deal with. to have a good friend. to dothings with. would be great.

well ive had my say. its so sad to remember when i was so hard headed
that nothing got in my way. and now. i say nothing. as it does no good.

thank you

you can reach me at oakcnyrnch@aol.com i cant figure out how to read the mail on here.

by take care

In fact, in my former life as a wife/mother/worker/student/activist/volunteer.... there was so much meaning. There was a reason to get up and out and live. There were so many rewards and such self fulfillment.
What happened to this life or this expierence? I recall you saying in another post that your husband died unexpectedly at 45; how long ago was that?
Is this loneliness &/or depression a combination of his death and your daughters leaving, or is it something different?

DeeperBlue,
I've certainly been where you are and frequently revisit there. My daughter is also 30. I live on the Eastcoast and she's on the Westcoast. I divorced about 25 years ago. Actually my happiest years were the 7 years after my divorce. I had a wonderful support group which I got by reaching out to a liberal "church" group after my separation, and then I moved to advance my career. I haven't really felt connected since I moved. I lived in an Eastcoast large city for 10 years and then moved to a new small town location, stayed there for 4 terrible years, lost my job and was devastated, but fairly quickly found my current job, am much happier, and have been here for over 4 years.
My family is my two dogs. I can't work up the motivation to make friends all over again. My life is pretty much my work and my dogs. For the first few years, after moving here, I'd get REALLY depressed on the weekends (probably much from previous work experience). Now I don't get nearly as depressed and am beginning to enjoy the freedom of living alone. I enjoy listening to music I want to listen to. I can lie down on the couch and watch what I want to watch. I can stay late at work and not have to come home to cook for anyone else (but this also means that sometimes I'm lazy in cooking nutritious meals for myself). Sometimes I do have to remind myself of the many little pleasures in living alone. I do feel, for myself, it has been a long sometimes painful transition from living with others to being somewhat comfortable living by myself. I think this transition takes different lengths of time for different people. I have found I have to redefine myself as someone who is OK with living alone. I did find that one activity, where I am now, that helped is I delivered Meals on Wheels to shut-ins for about 1 year, but after 1 year I couldn't spare the time from career demands. I have also found that I had trouble going to activities, like church services, when I was too depressed, because I felt too needy, but I do think others find those activities a good way to reach out (and it worked for me 25 years ago). I also think that often we have this fantasy that "family life" is just peachy for others, but the reality is - for many, many families there are frequent conflicts and even occasional pain in living together. I grew up in a large family and had a miserable marriage and am learning to savor the peace in my life. I also have a very good therapist I go to every other week so I can keep on track, not allow myself to sabotage my career, and deal with my ADD and OCD issues. We keep talking about my developing more of a "life" and probably will keep talking about it.
Peace
Coolwoman

AND WE PAUSE FOR A BRIEF COMMERCIAL ANNOUNCEMENT....

For those of you who are struggling with your ADD, please check out the new section in the peer coaching forum. It's called the "Peer Coaching Buddies Forum". It's a private forum so you have to request to be added, but it's really easy to do. I think you are added immediately -- no wait time (just in case you happen to be an impatient ADDer :p). The Buddies Forum is designed to help one ADDer find another ADDer to "buddy up" with so they can offer encouragement, suggestions & support to one another. I think the Buddies Forum has the potential to help lots of people, but it seems like not too many people have joined, so I thought I'd mention it here. To join, go to: http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=268

I'm not looking forward to the empty nest syndrome, which is what your post is reminding me of.
as opposed to heartless me, who is absolutely looking forward to:
no more extra laundry
no more mom's taxi
no more having to play alarm clock
no more having to stress about my kid getting wherever on time
being able to have that second cup of coffee in peace
being able to do what i want when i want
not having to re-do high school

Like i said: heartless.......

I will read, finish my embroidery projects, not worry about extra dirty dishes.....

probably for 5 minutes. and miss it all.
so, deeper, how are you keeping your sanity?

Dear Deeper, Cheri,

Namaste,

Namaste means I bow to the Divine in You. Its an Ancient Indian Form of Salutation.

I read Deepers message and it 'hit' me. I could relate to her questions over her being, life..

I was also moved by your message.

My name is Nachi. I am a 29 year old, man From India.

I have been a member of this group since last many months.

The reason I joined this group had not so much with to do with ADD..but had, has a lot to do with finding Hearts having ADD. I didint wanted information on ADD. I wanted to talk, communicate with them on Life, on finding ones purpose, to find a soul fullfilling Life.

I know that in this journey we are on our own..but it helps such a lot to have compassionate, caring friends sharing knowledge, discussing things..

Somehow its hard to find such conversation going in real life with the world as it is now..

I face the same question like the ones that deeper have asked in here and the ones that she havent asked..

It seems like life is a ever flowing River of fresh water..and while some sail to the middle of the river..and enjoy the ride..some others sink at knee feet length. I know that Abundance is in me...Its just that I dont feel it in my bones..which have got used to 'lacking'

I would like to be a friend to both of You deeper and Cheri and anyone who is on this journey..of not merely repairing their life but to run it to the perfection of soul level.

I have been dealing with ADD, Bipolar, Panic Attacks, Failures, ABuse without meds..or proper medical treatment..I feel its more to do with heart than brain. I look for therepy in Life..and in what it has to offer to us..in simple ways that enrich our life..nature, friends, music..books, philosophy, spirituality and my poems.

As for your questions I have come to a point where I feel the answer hasnt has to do with knowledge as much as it has to do with Self Love. Its in blooming in Love. The learning part if any is for us to open ourselves to the Abundance in our heart. This comes with 'feeling the truth' inside ones heart and not just by 'knowing it'.

I hope and Wish You & Everyone in here Such an Experience of Feeling Truth in Your Hearts.

Love & Hugs,

Nachi.

nachi@bluebottle.com I would love to stay in touch with You & Cheri. Maybe we can share or colearn life. God Bless You All.

Your words are all so beautiful and thoughtful; reflective of your honest life experiences... Thank you for sharing from your heart. I will respond to you all but right now, this ADD mind wonders.

And yes....we should never merge. Maybe just with the moment. ;)

"only to the degree that we've gotten to know our personal pain, only to the degree that we've related with pain at all, will we be fearless enough, brave enough, and enough of a warrior to be willing to feel the pain of others."
Pema Chodron

It seems as though we are connecting.

in the books i have read. it explanes, why people with addd. have few friends, people just dont like you.

I disagree w/ this to some extent. I know for myself...there's lots of people who have tried to get to know me, who like me...and every last one of them I have pushed away. I shut myself into my own little world and lose touch w/ everyone. Eventually they stop trying. Now...I've always felt that no one liked me...and was always trully amazed when someone stuck around long enough to figure me out and to care about me. But I know that ultimately it is my own behaviour that makes people not try to get closer to me....cause I just won't let them.

Struggling,
I certainly can identify with what you wrote. I think I also have closed myself off from others and have pushed people away. Often I want unconditional support and acceptance (something I didn't get from my family) and "write" potential friends off fairly quickly if there is a hint of that not happening.

Throughout my life I wondered aimlessly, feeling alienated. Never realising my strengths, passions. I understand how you must feel. There are numerous methods you can try.


A list is always a good place to start (positive versus negative)
Positive reading
keep a note book or use a tape recorder to record things that excite/interest you or ideas that you might have as the day progresses
Learn a new skill
Pray/meditate
Each time that negative thought pattern creeps back into your head, say positive thoughts out loud in a calm and collected manner
Be good to yourself; a nice scented body lotion/bath, a scented candle, herbal teas
If something negative happened in your past that had an impact, use your experience to help others or help prevent, even.
Learn to take things with a pinch of salt
Surround yourself with people who care about you and respect you - only.
Create opportunities for yourself and use all available resources
At the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself and only you can make things happen. Where there is a will there is always a way! Time is precious, use it wisely.

I wish you well.

As a single woman, who was married, and the mother of two grown daughters [26 & 30], and currently unemployed, I struggle, daily, with lonely and lost feelings. I strive to find a goal, a meaning and direction in my life.


I just stumble; never quite reaching this something; this elusive moment/event that will add meaning to my life. I find that when I am with other people: ie. my guy friend, women friends, daughters , I have more interest and life is not such a f12345ing struggle. [excuse me :rolleyes: ]

It is just so extremely difficult to reach out. I know that I cannot rely on others to define [i]me. I just forgot how to do it for myself. [maybe I never learned...]

I'm not sure that I have learned how to live the single, successful ADD life. [assuming that it exits] I just exit on a holding pattern. I know that this is not healthy; I am ever, so aware...

In fact, in my former life as a wife/mother/worker/student/activist/volunteer.... there was so much meaning. There was a reason to get up and out and live. There were so many rewards and such self fulfillment. My life was full, inspite of my ADD self.

It is apparent that now, in my present circumstances, none of these experiences are evident. My foundation has crumbled. I have no support nor direction. I struggle, alone, with my ADD

My question to you is, my single ADDult cohorts :p :

How do you make your life work for you?
How do you find meaning in your life?
How do you put your plan into action?
What is your plan?
Any words of wisdon for this stuggling ADDer? :o
Thank you
Throughout my life I wondered aimlessly, feeling alienated. Never realising my strengths, passions. I understand how you must feel. There are numerous methods you can try.

A list is always a good place to start (positive versus negative)
Positive reading
keep a note book or use a tape recorder to record things that excite/interest you or ideas that you might have as the day progresses
Learn a new skill
Pray/meditate
Each time that negative thought pattern creeps back into your head, say positive thoughts out loud in a calm and collected manner
Be good to yourself; a nice scented body lotion/bath, a scented candle, herbal teas
If something negative happened in your past that had an impact, use your experience to help others or help prevent, even.
Learn to take things with a pinch of salt
Surround yourself with people who care about you and respect you - only.
Create opportunities for yourself and use all available resources
At the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself and only you can make things happen. Where there is a will there is always a way! Time is precious, use it wisely.

I wish you well.

I'm single and I feel ok with it in many ways. In other ways I don't like being single. My ADHD is something that I work hard to live with. I can partially control it with medication, but I have to adapt to the rest.

Yes, I have isolated myself from the mainstream of society. But I really don't feel a compelling need to be a social butterfly. I feel comfortable where I am and I don't feel the need to change it. I'm more into pleasing myself than I am into sucking up to a stereotypical role that I can't even relate to.

Though I do think it would be nice to have someone in my life, I really don't see it as something that will ever happen. I wish it were different, but I just don't feel it as though it were something that is in the cards for me.

In any case I plan to enjoy my life, and I guess that means making the most of what I have and spending less time worrying about what I don't have.

ME :D

DeeperBlue.

I feel your pain but as some of us have said, I'd suggest you get screened for Major Depression..which can be sometimes caused by the trials and tribulations of ADHD...I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this terrible time.

(((HUGS)))

Selena

For those of you who are struggling with your ADD, please check out the new section in the peer coaching forum. It's called the "Peer Coaching Buddies Forum". The Buddies Forum is designed to help one ADDer find another ADDer to "buddy up" with so they can offer encouragement, suggestions & support to one another. http://www.addforums.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=268
Thank you gingagirl!

I have been divorced for over 10 years, and my daughter is now 20 and living at home while going to college. I dread the empty nest terribly.

I did OK with my inatentive ADHD when I had more structure in my life. When I was young my Mom did everything and school provided lots of structure. College was a little harder. Out in the workforce, a little harder. Being a Mom, a lttle harder.

Getting divorced, harder. Having hysterectomy, harder. Financial problems arising from cancer, surgery w/o health insurance HARDER. Developing axiety and struggling with depression, HARDER. Getting older HARDER......

I can't even think about where my life is going. Right now it feels like down the tubes. I have always known I am bright. I used to be positively driven. I sort of feel like the constant depression and anti depressants took the "edge" off my depression w/o helping it much, but also removed my drive completely.

I'm hopeful since finding this forum and giving my feeling of "something is wrong with me" a name, ADHD, that my diagnosis will help. Appt is next Monday.

I have joined the buddies forum and have found some new friends. I know this will help too. Very tired of the lonely single ADD life, but can't imagine having a successful relationship either. :faint: :eek: :rolleyes: :cool: :confused:

PJ

I hear you jeaniebug. Very tired...