View Full Version : sick


Fuzzy12
10-02-12, 04:05 PM
binge ate. Now i have to throw up but I'm too tired. I wasn't even hungry. I can't believe at this age I'm still doing this. I can't believe The stupidity of it. I'm so sick of my stupid brain that i just can't control. What's the point of being human if you can't even fool yourself into believing that you have any control over anything al all. I might as well be a rock or a speck of dust. At least they don't have to eat till they are sick and then make themselves throw up all the crap. My poor body. Poor me. I'm having a pity party tonight and i don't care how wrong or stupid it is. I'm so annoyed.

The sooner i get the throwing up over with the sooner I'll feel ok again. I hate throwing up. It's disgusting. It stinks. But i can't keep this crap in my body. Besides i don't want to feel all evening long sick. No there is on excuse. Nothing justifies being Bulimic. It's just stupid. :(

please don't say anything nice to me. I don't want nice tonight. I just want t forget. And if i can't do that then at least i want to wallow in self pity. I'll probably hurl my mobile through cyber space. Ugh.

sarek
10-02-12, 04:10 PM
Fuzzy, this does not mean that you are stupid or weak or bad in any way. You are right, this is something you cant control and you really need to stop blaming yourself for it or feeling guilty about it.

Its NOT stupid or wrong, it just IS. You can not consciously control something like this.

crystal8080
10-02-12, 04:19 PM
alright, I won't say anything nice. but i'll give you a hug just the same :p

:grouphug:

or 2:grouphug::grouphug:

wait does make it three? :confused:

i'll blow some kisses too. have a good night fuzzy.

Fuzzy12
10-02-12, 04:20 PM
I'm just so tired Sarek. I feel like I've just been alive for too long. I know i should count myself lucky for not having any real problems but even these tiny mickey mouse problems are too much. Not problems. Just being alive and sustaining my interest in being alive is too much. How i wish my brain would just shut up.

Why is this so difficult for me? How can just being alive and awake, thinking and feeling be so difficult? Is it really just a lack of neuro transmitters?

sarek
10-02-12, 04:21 PM
I am sorry, should have added the hugs too:


:grouphug:

Here they are from me.

sarek
10-02-12, 04:25 PM
I'm just so tired Sarek. I feel like I've just been alive for too long. I know i should count myself lucky for not having any real problems but even these tiny mickey mouse problems are too much. Not problems. Just being alive and sustaining my interest in being alive is too much. How i wish my brain would just shut up.

I know what is like to feel so horribly tired. But its an emotion. It wont feel that way forever. This is not helping you now but you know it is something you CAN make it through.

And dont belittle your problems as if they don't matter. They matter to you and that makes them important.

sarek
10-02-12, 04:29 PM
I just wish I could really hug you Fuzzy.

Fuzzy12
10-02-12, 04:32 PM
thanks guys. I'm sorry. I just get these doomsday moods every once in a while and once i start sliding i talk and think myself into being more and more miserable. It Will pass. The truth is i don't have any problems. Not real ones. Just my brain. Nothing concrete. Sometimes i wish almost i had a problem. One that i could get my teeth stuck in and solve. I guess I'm just scared that there is no solution. That this is really all there is. that there is nothing else to life.

sarek
10-02-12, 04:38 PM
Its ok Fuzzy. Of course its ok. And we are here for you when you need to share moments like these.

BTW, I do that self talking too. It just goes around and around in a circle and that is so hard to break out of.

Abi
10-02-12, 04:41 PM
Hi Fuzzy

Are you taking any antidepressant meds at present?

spunkysmum
10-02-12, 04:43 PM
I've been there. Except that I would just binge without the purging. Unless you count the experimentation with laxative abuse with a couple of my cousins when I was a teenager.

For the most part, this overeating and binging tendency has ceased to be much of an issue since I've been on Adderall, but a couple weeks ago I was going off the wagon a bit for a couple days where I couldn't think of much but eating, which alarmed me. Fortunately, it passed, but the last couple days I've been eating more again. Not sure if that's about wanting to eat everything or just irresponsible spending of my paycheck because since I got paid Friday I have bought a lot of things to eat that are actually still half-eaten or not touched.

Fuzzy12
10-02-12, 04:46 PM
Hi Fuzzy

Are you taking any antidepressant meds at present?

yes duloxetine. 60mg but they are actually helping. I'm less depressed. I just get horrible mood swings.

Abi
10-02-12, 04:48 PM
Do you have episodes of rage, irritability and/or paranoia?

Fuzzy12
10-02-12, 04:50 PM
Do you have episodes of rage, irritability and/or paranoia?

no :)do you think the meds are inducing some kind of mania?

Abi
10-02-12, 04:52 PM
Just checking :D

Fuzzy12
10-02-12, 04:53 PM
I'm so sorry guys. It's slowly passing. Some day these mood swings are going to kill me. Anyway I'm still feeling full and stupid or not i have to go throw up now. Thanks for letting me talk.

crystal8080
10-02-12, 04:54 PM
thanks guys. I'm sorry. I just get these doomsday moods every once in a while and once i start sliding i talk and think myself into being more and more miserable. It Will pass. The truth is i don't have any problems. Not real ones. Just my brain. Nothing concrete. Sometimes i wish almost i had a problem. One that i could get my teeth stuck in and solve. I guess I'm just scared that there is no solution. That this is really all there is. that there is nothing else to life.

What would you consider a real problem? I have had problems with depression, but usually I deal with a few atypical symptoms.

But you mention having something you could sink your teeth in and solve. That makes me think about something I heard. I heard somewhere that solving a problem will boost your mood. Like a crossword or some kind of artificial challenge, you feel better after solving it. Have you heard about this?

You sure do a great job around here btw:D

and I was binge eating too before I got on the right meds.

Fuzzy12
10-05-12, 02:20 PM
back here. More than anything it's just such a waste of time and food. I justwon't learn. :(

SquarePeg
10-05-12, 02:45 PM
Fuzzy, I have had bulimia, I felt stupid, ugly, worthless, fat and that being born was big mistake and that I was never meant for this life.

I also thought that my life was more or less fine apart from my eating disorder. But I was very wrong, my eating disorder was a symptom of much deeper issues.

I sought help and had therapy for two years. We never once talked about eating or food and it was the best thing I ever did for myself.

It was such a vicious cycle, I used to eat and eat until I was ready to explode and then vomit and sometimes start eating again. I would then cry, blotchy face, stomach ache but empty and vow never to do it again. I think you need to get some help Fuzzy, this canīt continue.

PM me any time, I know how it feels, I am 100% over it, itīs not even something that I have to work at, itīs gone for good. you can also overcome this. sending you love and hugs. xx

Fuzzy12
10-05-12, 03:03 PM
I'm not going to throw up today. I'm too tired. I can't imagine a time when food Will not be an issue anymore, when i don't have to fight anymore either the urge to stuff my face or starve myself. I've tried counselling for all my issues. It didn't help. I guess i don't really want to deal why my issues. I want things to be different rather than learning how to cope with reality. Stupid huh? Or maybe I'm just a glutton. I feel like there are too many holes in my brain to fill. Like you said square useless worthless but more than anything just so tired.

SquarePeg
10-05-12, 03:15 PM
I went to a psychiatrist first who assessed me and they for psychotherapy. A counselor is just an advisor. Treatment is usually brief and focuses on behaviour.

A psychotherapist normally offers long term treatment focusing on learning about chronic emotional problems. It focuses the patient's thought processes and way of being in the world rather than specific problems. Thatīs why we never spoke about my eating (it was actually irrelevant to what was really going on, just smoke and mirrors).

Please think about proper help, these things rarely go away on their own (although problems can manifest themselves in other ways). love and hugs xx

Fuzzy12
10-05-12, 03:20 PM
I'm on the waiting list for psychotherapy. It's been more than three months. I should get a place soon.

SquarePeg
10-05-12, 03:24 PM
Hope so honey, hang on in there, the toilet bowl is a lonely place :) (donīt know how to do a smiley, trying to cheer you up xx=)

Fuzzy12
10-05-12, 04:04 PM
i hate food. I wish i could just pop a pill that would cover all my nutritional needs. If I'm never had to eat again I'd be happy. I miss fruits but I'd rather give on fruits than have this never ending battle.

peripatetic
10-06-12, 07:34 AM
thanks guys. I'm sorry. I just get these doomsday moods every once in a while and once i start sliding i talk and think myself into being more and more miserable. It Will pass. The truth is i don't have any problems. Not real ones. Just my brain. Nothing concrete. Sometimes i wish almost i had a problem. One that i could get my teeth stuck in and solve. I guess I'm just scared that there is no solution. That this is really all there is. that there is nothing else to life.

fuzzy...i get that you're feeling, or were at time of posting this, ....meagre in some sense...that you don't have "real problems"...maybe feling like you're just creating issues or being self indulgent whereas others' suffering is somehow "legitimate" and so forth.

frankly, and i hope you konw i say this with nothing but compassion and concern, the problem you're "creating" in this line of thinking is believing your eating disorder isn't a real one. because, fuzzy...you do have a problem. is it possible that you're fear there's "no solution" results in denying the legitimacy of the problem? not in the way you frame it above...but more...if you acknowledge it as a serious concern...you're afraid you won't be able to solve it so you minimize it as just "in your head"?

it's not just in your head, fuzzy. and it is a "real" problem. a serious one. but, not an insurmountable one. you can't fix what you don't see as a real issue, and in my opinion, coming to grips with the seriousness of bulimia is something that needs to happen for you to start dealing with it and, ultimately, feeling better.

SquarePeg
10-06-12, 07:58 AM
Fuzzy, some of your posts are conflicting and I used to think my life was perfect apart from my bulima, as if it were a separate entity and nothing really to do with me. Itīs good you are talking about it, I never could.

But you do have a problem, this behaviour is your "inner self" just crying out for help, I mean it really couldnīt shout any louder, so itīs up to you to choose to ignore and deny this cry or to do something about it.

You say your are waiting for psychotherapy, if you feel you need help sooner then go to your doc. I was on the list and I went to my doc for something else and he said "how are you" and I just burst into tears and broke down. He arranged for me to be pushed up the list and seen earlier which was a good thing as I was at the end.

Fuzzy12
10-06-12, 08:14 AM
thanks P. I designate all problems that arise in my brain as self inflicted and indulgent. That's what everyone tells me, that's what I've always believed. But then i also believe that everything, my experiences, my they of the world and everything in it arises from my brain, which makes everything a non real problem. That is a problem that can be solved if i could just change my thoughts or my attitude. That makes them my responsibility and my fault. A moral failing.

It's only this year that I've started slowly accepting that there are issues with my brain that might be out of my control. I mean that can't be controlled with Will power. Like a lack of specific neuro transmitters. You can't imagine the relied i felt. Not just because suddenly i had a reason for why i acted so incomprehensibly but also because it shifted my problems from a moral level to a physical one. I still wonder though if it's just an excuse and if i only could muster sufficient Will power my issues might get solved.

It's scary because obviously in the 34 years of my life i haven't been able to solve i single problem with Will power. If I'm dependent on Will power then I'm screwed. It's been so frustrating and it's only now that I'm slowly allowing myself to think that Will power and free Will are just abstract terms that don't really exist or that again are controlled by my neuro transmitters rather than mymorality.

The eating disorder. Is a problem. A big problem that's impacting my life and my moods hugely. I guess i do need help but it's just one item on my mental health problems list to sort out. Besides i think they might all be interlinked. He i could get the depression or my adhd like symptoms under control then i suspect if eating disorder would at least be easier to deal with. In fact it has become a lot better since I've started taking anti depressants. ..

fuzzy...i get that you're feeling, or were at time of posting this, ....meagre in some sense...that you don't have "real problems"...maybe feling like you're just creating issues or being self indulgent whereas others' suffering is somehow "legitimate" and so forth.

frankly, and i hope you konw i say this with nothing but compassion and concern, the problem you're "creating" in this line of thinking is believing your eating disorder isn't a real one. because, fuzzy...you do have a problem. is it possible that you're fear there's "no solution" results in denying the legitimacy of the problem? not in the way you frame it above...but more...if you acknowledge it as a serious concern...you're afraid you won't be able to solve it so you minimize it as just "in your head"?

it's not just in your head, fuzzy. and it is a "real" problem. a serious one. but, not an insurmountable one. you can't fix what you don't see as a real issue, and in my opinion, coming to grips with the seriousness of bulimia is something that needs to happen for you to start dealing with it and, ultimately, feeling better.

Fuzzy12
10-06-12, 08:20 AM
Fuzzy, some of your posts are conflicting and I used to think my life was perfect apart from my bulima, as if it were a separate entity and nothing really to do with me. Itīs good you are talking about it, I never could.

But you do have a problem, this behaviour is your "inner self" just crying out for help, I mean it really couldnīt shout any louder, so itīs up to you to choose to ignore and deny this cry or to do something about it.

You say your are waiting for psychotherapy, if you feel you need help sooner then go to your doc. I was on the list and I went to my doc for something else and he said "how are you" and I just burst into tears and broke down. He arranged for me to be pushed up the list and seen earlier which was a good thing as I was at the end. thanks square. I know it's not separate from me and my life with or without ed is far from perfect. I think i roughly know why i binge or starve myself and i think the depression and the adhd like symptoms play a huge role. I'll bring th up when i start psycho therapy though I'm a bit worried that if i ever should be diagnosed with adhd they won't prescribe me stIms if they know I've got a history of ed.

SquarePeg
10-06-12, 08:31 AM
Fuzzy, I hear you, I have only just been diagnosed adhd at 47 and had bulimia when I was 20. From reading about adult undiagnosed adhd I have come to the conclusion that my earlier depression and bulimia were a result of adhd.

I wonīt go into detail but I was behaving very destructively and incomprehensively (though Iīm happy to tell you in a PM). I would be in a relationship, be perfectly happy and then go and act totally incomprehensively, even as I was travelling down this path I knew damn well it was the wrong thing do to but yet I still continued knowing how it would all end. It was this coupled with bulimia that made my life intolerable. I knew that without help I would continue to act in this way, it was out of my control and I just couldnīt make any sense of it. Bulimia took the pain from the inside and diverted it, to make me take notice of it.

Psycotherapy saved my life, she didnīt advise me, she didnīt tell me her thoughts or what was wrong with me, I just either talked, cried or stayed silent.

Undiagnosed adults or not properly treated adults often go down the path of destruction, I suppose thrill seeking, get in trouble with the law, gamble, substance addiction, relationship problems, frequent changes of partner, bulimia, in fact just basically ruin their lives.

Iīm wish I had been diagnosed earlier but thereīs nothing to be done about that Iīm just glad that my psychiatrist was open when I told her of my bulimia and destructive behaviour of the past and my constant anxiety and that she didnīt write me off as depressed.

I think there is still so much to be learned about adhd and co existing conditions. I also think my underactive thryoid and hormone changes (I am peri menopausal) exacerbate adhd.

sorry I should shut up now but canīt because I can relate to everything you are saying and I know your life could be different. xx

peripatetic
10-06-12, 09:06 AM
see bolded below

thanks P. I designate all problems that arise in my brain as self inflicted and indulgent. That's what everyone tells me, that's what I've always believed. But then i also believe that everything, my experiences, my they of the world and everything in it arises from my brain, which makes everything a non real problem. That is a problem that can be solved if i could just change my thoughts or my attitude. That makes them my responsibility and my fault. A moral failing.

if everything of your experience arises from your brain, then either your experiences are real because that's all there is, or nothing is real...including you, me...this forum...the table my laptop is on right now... you wanna go as far as to go george berkeley on me...let's go :p

but seriously...eating disorders aren't moral failures. it's like...people get addicted to crack. why? crack's ******* addictive! it's not a morally praiseworthy if you smoke and don't ...it's a fluke.

that's maybe a poor example...but my point is...being caught in a pattern of addiction isn't a moral failure. and using binging and purging as you do...is more like an addiction than not. it's a coping mechanism. having a coping mechanism go haywire isn't a moral failure. it's the result of not having other means. nobody chooses to be a crack addict and willfully succumbs to (the complications of) crack addiction.

morality involves will. this doesn't.

and with others making you feel like that....**** that noise. i'm not saying they're evil or anything, they don't just konw what they're talking about. well intentioned or not. ignorance isn't usually a moral failing either...willful ignorance maybe...but not just plain ignorance in the sense of not konwing.


anyway....

It's only this year that I've started slowly accepting that there are issues with my brain that might be out of my control. I mean that can't be controlled with Will power. Like a lack of specific neuro transmitters. You can't imagine the relied i felt. Not just because suddenly i had a reason for why i acted so incomprehensibly but also because it shifted my problems from a moral level to a physical one. I still wonder though if it's just an excuse and if i only could muster sufficient Will power my issues might get solved.

well that's good that you're at that point of seeing that :)

hmmm...ok, well not that last sentence. i think you need to accept that willpower is insufficient.

unless it's not. if it is...great. don't ever binge and purge again. if it's a matter of will...simply stop doing it.

seriously.

and that's fantastic if that works! :D

but fuzzy...i don't konw how long you've been doing this...maybe this was a one off. didn't sound like it...but maybe this is a recent thing. and maybe you can stop doing it.

but if you won't call today, i strongly urge you to just consider...if you ever do it again. you don't want to...but you end up where you were last night/yesterday....call someone. call every heathcare professional you konw until someone listens.

becauase fuzzy, this WILL be addressed. maybe by you immediately and you never ever do it again. or at some point later in life. the issue, should you find yourself in the same place again...is how much damage it will do.

this is a pattern of behaviour. the more the do it, the more engrained it becomes. and i don't think people are "beyond hope" until ...they're not anything. but i'm telling you, either you'll address it (by never again or with professional help), or it will address you.

and you know...you don't have to say if you do or don't or whatever, but i implore you...in your private life...if you EVER do it again...please make as many phone calls as you need immediately.

i'm not trying to freak you out. well...i am trying to get you to see the urgency of having an eating disorder. but you don't want to be doing this in five years...ten years...you don't want to be doing this next year, but if you can't never do it again...and you don't seek help...you will be. because that pattern will not just get deeper set....it'll permeate more and more of your life. be linked with more and more of your daily coping...it does not spontaneously resolve.

The eating disorder. Is a problem. A big problem that's impacting my life and my moods hugely. I guess i do need help but it's just one item on my mental health problems list to sort out. Besides i think they might all be interlinked. He i could get the depression or my adhd like symptoms under control then i suspect if eating disorder would at least be easier to deal with. In fact it has become a lot better since I've started taking anti depressants. ..

i'm sure they're interlinked. and i defo am not trying to "rank" them...i'm just saying...there's never a bad time to address the eating disorder. you don't run the risk of addressing it too soon.

personally, i think the eating disorder is a manifestation of the depression/anxiety...more a symptom than a root thing itself. but that's my opinion. not completely unsubstantiated...but i'm not a medical professional either ;)

i'm just saying...

well, have you told your physicians about it? all of them? fully disclosed? if you're secretive...there's a reason...and all the more reason to seek help.


best to you :-) x

Fuzzy12
10-06-12, 09:27 AM
well i wonder about what's real and not though i take a more agnostic view to it. I sped Hume though to Berkely :D right now i just don't know. Funny how things that might not even be real can trouble you :D have had an eating disorder for almost twenty years now. Bulimia is just a small part of it. Not an unimportant part i just mean that i haven't been throwing up constantly for twenty years but every once in a while. I told my counsellor but no one else. I'm worried abt the implications though i know i need help. However whenever i meet a doc i just I can't get the words out for fear of them doing something that Will result in me putting on weight. I know. Pathetic. And stupid.

peripatetic
10-06-12, 09:48 AM
i think your'e neither pathetic nor stupid, fuzzy. and your posts demonstrate as much :-)

you'll get there.