Hello,

I'm involved with a very wonderful man with ADD, I myself am non-ADD. We are generally happy 98 percent of the time, but the remaining 2 percent is extremely frustrating. I find that coping with the ADD behaviours are exhausting and difficult. I have bought a book "ADD and Romance" which I'm finding difficult to get into and help me with the problems I'm experiencing. Here is what I'm having trouble with. Sometimes, I find that I have to repeat myself several times before my partner acknowledges what I'm saying. He is a high user of the computer and TV (stimulation), and I find it difficult to gain his attention. When he doesn't listen or hear me, I find myself feeling he is inconsiderate and disrespectful, while trying to remind myself that most likely it is his ADD.

I find it difficult to communicate to him when I'm having issues in our relationship. Like, if I find that he is spending far too much time on the computer, etc, I will voice my concerns, and the response I get is a hasty response like wanting me to hurry up what I'm saying so he can return to what he is doing. He is also whiny in a sense, and I find that I just want to give up trying to talk to him entirely. I told him that his communication skills are off with me. Then he puts himself down and says that he can't do anything right. I feel like I'm going off my rocker!!! I'm just trying to make things work for us, and I feel that even that is a problem!

What should I do? Are there some skills or things I need to do in order to cope more effectively in our relationship? I love him ALOT, and do not want to give up our relationship, as he treats me very well and is respectful most of the time. I believe any relationship is work, but I find with the ADD it's a bit harder to maintain. Any help would be appreciated.

Maplesweet

Maplesweet~

I don't have any good advice on this issue as I am the ADHD person(i'm female) in my relationship..BUT you stated everything exactly to a T what my significant other says about me. I will be curious to say in the least what kind of responses you recieve.
He points out to me that I am rude and interruptive and he has to repeat things a half a dozen times and that drives him crazy. I believe he loves me very much..but he is also very frustrated with me as well.. Believe me it's frustrating for us as the ADD person in the relationship as well. I feel that when my S.O. says these things to me..that I am very inadequate and it stirs all kinds of negative thoughts up in my head. As the ADD person I feel like I can NEVER please him no matter what I do, and I am taking meds and making improvements but evidently not enough..:( So I can relate to your other 1/2. Good Luck..I also want this relationship to work so much and am trying very very hard to communicate efficiently. I know we as ADD people that we DO NOT do things to intentionally frustrate our partners..HONEST..hope this makes sense. I hope you get some responses that can help both of US:) Thanks!

I'm an Add Male,
And I do these things also and my wife hates this but she ( I hope ) continues to love me and work with me and I never take this for granted.
It's like a mother taking care of a special needs child.
It's a huge sacrifice, but if you can see his heart and not his action you'll be just fine;)

Maplesweet, My first thought after reading your post is that being happy 98% of the time is pretty good for ANY relationship. I know, that was just a guess on your part and it doesn't negate the frustration.....

Being somewhat similar to your ADD mate I can offer this for advice; try getting some of your basic concerns voiced to him through email. I know it seems like you are encouraging that one behavior that you want to stop.... but here's the thing. Guys like us communicate much better in writing than verbally. We have time to think about what we're going to say, edit it, and send it off.

Also, most ADD'ers think in pictures. And what they say about a picture being worth a thousand words is true. So, when you ask someone who thinks in pictures to put those thoughts into words... it becomes a very big challenge. So, you end up getting abridged versions of a conversation that leave you feeling like there is something else under the surface, like he just showed you the tip of the iceberg, and you want to hear it all.
For an ADD'er this can become acutely frustrating because WE KNOW that we are only giving out the "tip of the iceberg" and feel that the effort it would take to convert the thousands of pictures we see into the millions of words necessary as exhausting..... so, we just don't.
It ends up seeming like less work to deal with the pain and anger and frustration of not communicating than it would to try and get the words out.

This leaves you trying to pry information out because you care. You want to "get inside" but the harder you try the harder things get......and it ends up becoming a downward spiral unless you try some other approaches.

So, back to my email suggestion; try having some simple conversations about those touchy subjects via email. See if you can get him to open up the lid to pandora's box a little bit that way...and at least develop a framework for having face to face chats later on.

Sometimes, I find that I have to repeat myself several times before my partner acknowledges what I'm saying. He is a high user of the computer and TV (stimulation), and I find it difficult to gain his attention. When he doesn't listen or hear me, I find myself feeling he is inconsiderate and disrespectful, while trying to remind myself that most likely it is his ADD.

In order to get his attention, it usually helps to make sure you go up to him, put a hand on his arm and make sure you have eye contact before you tell him whatever it is you want him to hear. If you have asked him to do something, ask him to repeat it and make sure he heard you, or ask him when you can expect the project to be done. It is often very hard to get a pwADD to stop right then what they are doing to carry though a request from you.

Is your guy medicatated?

First off, thank you all so much for your kind words and support, it really means alot.

"Being somewhat similar to your ADD mate I can offer this for advice; try getting some of your basic concerns voiced to him through email. I know it seems like you are encouraging that one behavior that you want to stop.... but here's the thing. Guys like us communicate much better in writing than verbally. We have time to think about what we're going to say, edit it, and send it off."

Fighting Boredom, I think this is an interesting concept. Only problem is, he doesn't respond to email. He reads stuff and deletes it. I think maybe MSN messenger could be a way. We live together though, so, it's going to be kind of weird with me on one computer, and him other other talking to each via MSN, but it's worth a try. I'm going to bring it up and see how he responds. Thanks again for your great advice.

Liketalk, thanks, I'll try going right up to him next time. I just have to remember to do this, and get into a habit. It's easier for me to speak across the room, as that's what I'm used to.

Maplesweet

I've not read it but that book gets great reviews from people who have read it.

Think about times that you have been able to keep his attention in conversation where he finds something he can latch onto and try to reproduce that. I know it is selfish behavior but it really isn't intentional or meant to hurt or insult you. When people are locked into something, sometimes it's better to break that with a totally different diversion then get to the topic you want to talk about once he's broken free. Like maybe at meal time or show him something interesting enough to draw him away from the computer first for a few minutes.

If there is any hint of accusation against him, he will run away fast, on the other hand if you really have a problem, and you draw the line, maybe that will help make it clear that you are serious and trigger enough of a panic for him to take it seriously. ADDers often put things off till there is a deadline so if you give him slack, he's likely to take it. If it's not that serious, try not to waste your energy.

I'm the ADDer in the relationship too, and I can relate a lot to Teddy's comments. My husband is trying very hard to work with some of the chaos and hear my stress with the way our house is set up. But interpersonally, he and I have our problems and he often makes remarks that I now recognize as classic comments that ADDers get from non ADD partners. I know that I have a long way to go, but I myself was just diagnosed recently and have started with meds and am looking into going to an ADHD knowledgeable therapist for that end of things. I too worry that no matter what, I'm still always going to be the "problem" in the relationship. My husband is wonderful, but he is not perfect at all times in how he goes about things either. There are aspects of his personality and decision-making styles that send ADHD me into a tailspin. So the issue is that BOTH of us are contributors to problems, yet it seems like I'm the designated blame person who isn't trying hard enough or caring enough. I do blame myself for the bulk of any problems we have since I know where the ADHD stuff gets in the way, but relationships are two way streets too, and the non ADD person likely has traits that can contribute to problems alone, or exacerbate the ADHD issues in the ADHD partner. In other words, okay, it may very well be the ADD person is the bulk, (I can only imagine how difficult & frustrating I must be and I know I must find ways to work with this-my husband deserves my best efforts) but, it's not ONLY the ADDer that causes problems too. It's two people that need to work as a team.

ADDition.....

Sister we could be sisters..lol i hear the pain in your words and I feel that pain on a DAILY basis...It's very frustarting to say the least and that makes me feel worse and I am sure that back fires in the sense..that I take 2 steps forward and 4 steps back with every try of changing me. ADD contact me if you like at my email..we are on the SAME page..maybe we can use each other as sounding board and compare notes to TRY and IMPROVE on ourselves:) Hope you have a great holiday season..I TOO have just been recently diagnosed and so frustrating, when I am TRYING really hard to change habits. teddy

My boyfriend and I are both ADHD and we get along great. Maybe it's because we understand each other and our problems and can communicate on that level with each other.