I am in a falling apart relationship--I am Adhd recently dxed..and my S.O. is not relating well and blaming me for the faults in our relationship. He says I drive him "crazy" and he can never give me any one reason..just that he can not keep living like this. Believe me I know things are rough and I am trying to get treatment for me.. I love him with all my heart and soul and he claims he loves me..BUT I think that when you love someone you love them in spite of their faults or you must move on, if you absoulutely can not deal with them. Well S.O. packed his things and left last night..I NEVER asked him to leave..quite the contrary..I Begged him to try and work out our issues..he now claims that he still loves me and needs to do some soul searching and that he needs to pinpoint exactly the issues in our relationship. I guess between my venting here ..I need some input..Am I wrong to want o make this relationship work? I would DO almost anything to save my relationship and I really am TRYING...He claims that he is tired of me treating him like a child..I don't believe I do..but maybe I do...and he is tired of me repeating myself when I talk and he hates repeating things to me because I can not remember for nothing..does anyone else have these issues? And can you give me some advice on what to do.....or maybe just some support..I feel like such a loser......one more time:( I feel so defeated and like the sun will never shine again.... My heart is breaking and I am a basketcase--so please be patient with me if this sounds like blubbering..probably is...Broken-hearted Teddy:(

Sorry for your pain, Teddy.
I cannot address the issue of your relationship falling apart. It may be that he was just looking for a reason to leave, rather than a reason to stay.
My husband and I also have a problem with my memory. But I think that is the key - it is "our" problem, not just mine. So- he is forever suggesting ways I can help me remember stuff.
It seems to me your guy needs to understand that this is not intentional on your part, and it requires a lot of understanding and team-work. But, like I said, maybe he just needed a reason to leave, and if it hadn't been your ADD it would've been something else?
Hang in there, kiddo; No human condition is ever permanent (cliche, I know, but maybe it will help you a bit.)

Dear Broken-hearted Teddy-- I am so sorry about your pain...and although my experiences are different, I have some understanding about where you are coming from.

And it is so-okay to blubber and we will be patient.

I currently have a guy (........long story) who seems to feel the same about me. It is just so hard for him to deal with my stuff. Consequently, he tends to distance himself.

I am just now beginning to understand that I have to put myself first...to be who I am, to love myself. But who loves you... *sigh*
and who values and appreciates you?

and it hurts...

Thank You Pembroke and Deeper...I am TRYING to work on myself and its very hard..and after several failed relationships and being honest as possible..it is just hard...I am not innocent in this picture..I had an online friend that I confided lots of things in (long time before current relationship, I must add)and my S.O. asked me to give up this friendship because he did not belive it to be a good thing(he was very jealous of our friendship and our openess to talk about anything)so I did..very reluctantly...I must say:( and to further complicate this situation my S.O. pulled up history on my computer and dug into folders and when he confronted me I lied about a folder name. I know I am WRONG--I should of never lied to begin with..but I can't help wondering what drove him to dig into my past this much..felt very smothering and controling to me and that feels terrible to me.Almost makes me wonder what he is hiding? and is he trying to cover his own path....this was all done very early on in our relationship and now every time we disagree he brings up this lie--and starts digging into this situation and I feel like I am being stoned to death for this mistake..I almost feel resentful that he can keep bringing it up..I feel like he is setting me up to defend myself again and see if I will lie again to further stone me for this one lie. I am adhd --I am not perfect and I have found many different ways to cope with hurts and mishaps along the road of life. I would never intentionally say or do something to make someone else hurt..and so to keep peace would sidestep around bad situations at every turn if I could.. Does this sound familair? Or am I the odd one here? I lied to save my butt--because I knew it would anger him further..but didn't think it through far enough that I should get rid of all my history so that didn't come back to bite me later..I have learned that one lie leads to another..and I am SORRY for that..but in my past it has saved me from physical abuse--so I guess I was thinking that it was better to lie than to take a beating maybe one more time. I guess my coping skills did not work so well this time:( Guess my mind was wandering way off base..sorry...

dear dear Teddy, this is very sad news indeed.

Its kind of stunning when they leave. I've been left before, but was never able to resuscitate it, we were both non add, but still feels awful, yes?

I think once a person leaves they are very serious about how they feel, even if they are not sure what that means. Unfortunately, you might have to play it by ear, if he says he needs space, maybe he does.

It would be a great sign if he were interested in some relationship counselling with you with someone who dealt with ADD relationships.

In the mean time, I like to watch very sad movies, talk to friends, cry a lot and write poetry, until I'm tired of being sad, though it does take a rather long while sometimes.

You can be sad here I think, because everyone has shared a similar story at some point and the folks here are really supportive.

(Try not to let your grief overwhelm you though, ok, cuz it can be really too hard on yourself sometimes. You are a good person and deserve to be happy too.)

Dear Teddy,

I'm not sure if I read your post right...did you say that your current SO has previously beaten you? I am a little worried about his digging into your past, making you get rid of friendships that he feels are unworthy or unhealthy, dictating your moves and emotions. I don't know I can't help but get the feeling you are still stuck in a "victim phase" were you attach yourself to men who are more like a father figure then a lover. I don't mean to tread on your toes or anger you in any way but the last person to know I myself was stuck in the phase was MYSELF. If I'm way off base then please feel free to correct me.

But, in the meantime I would search out a specialist who has experiance in dealing with ADD and ADD related issue's and also PTSD stemming from violence in the homefront. There is also an abuse section here in the forums were you can get to know women who are working on re-building their sense of selves from the ground-up. If your interested please pm Draga she'll help you access the section since only members are allowed to post and read posts there.

Hugs,
Cherity

"BUT I think that when you love someone you love them in spite of their faults or you must move on, if you absoulutely can not deal with them"

BINGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please Tell Me Futs & I both read that wrong!!! Remember Dawlin, If there is something that he can't handle and it happens to be something You cant change.....You know U did nothing wrong and u had your reasons for what you did....If it doesn't work out, keep that in yer mind, Shug.

Futs and Draga...

I have not been abused physically in this relationship but in past I have dealt with both physical and mental abuse by others in my family and relationships with exhusbands. I was trying to reference the fact for "why" I have told white lies in my past BEFORE this relationship, and its a hard habit to break..it's hard to not bring my past into my current relationship and break these bad habits. I was just dxed with add and I believe that this was one of my coping skills..one I am not proud of:( Sorry to upset ya..and thanks..believe I will check with Draga about private womens abuse forum..

Thank You Pembroke and Deeper...I am TRYING to work on myself and its very hard..and after several failed relationships and being honest as possible..it is just hard...I am not innocent in this picture..I had an online friend that I confided lots of things in (long time before current relationship, I must add)and my S.O. asked me to give up this friendship because he did not belive it to be a good thing(he was very jealous of our friendship and our openess to talk about anything)so I did..very reluctantly...I must say:( and to further complicate this situation my S.O. pulled up history on my computer and dug into folders and when he confronted me I lied about a folder name. I know I am WRONG--I should of never lied to begin with..but I can't help wondering what drove him to dig into my past this much..felt very smothering and controling to me and that feels terrible to me.Almost makes me wonder what he is hiding? and is he trying to cover his own path....this was all done very early on in our relationship and now every time we disagree he brings up this lie--and starts digging into this situation and I feel like I am being stoned to death for this mistake..I almost feel resentful that he can keep bringing it up..I feel like he is setting me up to defend myself again and see if I will lie again to further stone me for this one lie. I am adhd --I am not perfect and I have found many different ways to cope with hurts and mishaps along the road of life. I would never intentionally say or do something to make someone else hurt..and so to keep peace would sidestep around bad situations at every turn if I could.. Does this sound familair? Or am I the odd one here? I lied to save my butt--because I knew it would anger him further..but didn't think it through far enough that I should get rid of all my history so that didn't come back to bite me later..I have learned that one lie leads to another..and I am SORRY for that..but in my past it has saved me from physical abuse--so I guess I was thinking that it was better to lie than to take a beating maybe one more time. I guess my coping skills did not work so well this time:( Guess my mind was wandering way off base..sorry...
I don't see anything in there that really constitutes anything bad on your part, except maybe the lie, and that is a very small thing from the sound of it.

What exactly is wrong with you having a close online friend? If he was jealous of your relationship then he should have tried to make his relationship with you better, not made you give up that one.

I don't think he had a right to snoop through your history either, especially if what he got mad about concerned the close friend that you gave up when he told you to.

I absolutely cannot see what you did wrong.

He, on the other hand, sounds like a manipulative jerk at best and abusive at most. ADHD or not, you can do better.

A relationship is a hard thing to keep steady for people without ADD. I have a SO that has a diagnosis of ADD from childhood and I have the ADHD from age 6. I never thought that someone with the same issues as I have could fit into my world so well, but this has been the last link in my broken chain. We have an understanding of each other that someone without the diagnosis couldn't possibly understand.

I know I am going to sound awfully old-fashioned and stuffy here, but I feel if you are in a relationship where you feel you need to lie:

1. Perhaps there is something wrong with you.
2. Or there is something wrong with him.
3. Or there is something wrong with the relationship.

When you say a lie is "white," just how white is it? To me a white lie is something like this: "Dolly, I'd just love to visit with you guys for New Year's dinner but I have already made other plans." This sort of social lie avoids unnecessary hurt feelings and beats saying something like: "No way. Last year you never turned the TV off during football games and the black-eyed peas were dry."

The significance of a lie depends on who you are lying to and what you are lying about. If your online friendship involved romantic or flirty chat then your SO was wrong to invade your files but only normal in feeling jealous. However, if he is raising the same red flags of abuse you had to deal with in previous relationships then you should be very, very wary.

Each couple needs to define together the boundaries of the relationship. If he is so overbearing that you aren't having your say then you may be lucky he's gone. Men in relationships are not supposed to be Daddies, they're supposed to be partners.

Djirl~

The lie was small( he wanted to know who "ex. samantha" was )and I gave him made up story to not start a bigger rumpus, over giving up my online friend; and maybe I should of handled situation differently..but when he informed me he had went into my computer history that was just to much drama for me...I think that somethings in life are "yours" and only yours when it comes to privacy in ANY relationship. My PURSE and my SO or hubbys wallet is an off limits area. I believe going into my computer history on my home computer was stepping over those "privacy" boundaries as well. I would NEVER ever go through his wallet or his laptop history..If I don't TRUST him any more than that..then I BELIEVE we have not much of a relationship and vice versa. Jealousy has its place..but like you said IF he's that worried about it--then WORK on our relationship more. I didn't ask him to give up any friendships in his life..and he works in an office with lots of attractive women..and he plays in a band--so has many opportunities to meet other people..I have never stood in his way....to be himself. And I never will..I hope he finds happiness and if not with me someone else..but at this rate will be very hard.

Futs and Draga...

I have not been abused physically in this relationship but in past I have dealt with both physical and mental abuse by others in my family and relationships with exhusbands. I was trying to reference the fact for "why" I have told white lies in my past BEFORE this relationship, and its a hard habit to break..it's hard to not bring my past into my current relationship and break these bad habits. I was just dxed with add and I believe that this was one of my coping skills..one I am not proud of:( Sorry to upset ya..and thanks..believe I will check with Draga about private womens abuse forum..

:) thank goodness he doesn't abuse ya.....cause I hate gathering up a lynching on such short notice :p

The lie was small( he wanted to know who "ex. samantha" was )and I gave him made up story to not start a bigger rumpus, over giving up my online friend; and maybe I should of handled situation differently..but when he informed me he had went into my computer history that was just to much drama for me...I think that somethings in life are "yours" and only yours when it comes to privacy in ANY relationship. My PURSE and my SO or hubbys wallet is an off limits area. I believe going into my computer history on my home computer was stepping over those "privacy" boundaries as well.
I want to make certain I understand this:

A. He wants you to have no online friends.

B. He invades your computer privacy to make sure you have no online friends.

C. He then says you lied to him with absolutely no apologies for his invasion of your privacy.

D. He continued to torment you over this lie.

Have you asked yourself why he believes he has the right to control your life in this way? What possible reason could he have for not wanting you to have nonromantic relationship online?

His behavior seems very odd to me.

I disagree with the opnion that going into Teddy's computer history..SOoo SORRY BUT THERE AINT NO PRIVICY IN INTAMINCY...not that kind. He KNEW she was lieing BEFORE he went into the computer's history...how do I know >>>>> I did the EXACT same thing myself and wahala I found the lie I was looking for. Now the on=line friend was a memeber of the opposite sex...what was the nature of your communications???? I feel personally that anything that you feel you can't share with SO (ie you have to lie) you are doing wrong and YOU KNOW you are wrong. Past abuse No fly here as I have myself been abused in the past!!If you are having problems with relationships lasting then prehaps it is a problem having nothing to do with your ADD but more to do with the way you relate to people who are close to you. You sound like my current partner who started the lying bit....I don't like liers....He has been "clean" scense I let him know I didn't lie because I choose not to however it doesn't mean I can't tell a good lie. Now for the on-line friend thing if you weren't doing some thing you KNEW was wrong then you would have done what I did when my SO felt uneasy about me talking to people on this (as well as other) message boards I particapate in I invite him to join me. He want to read what I wrote I let him. Yes he often disagrees we have argued big deal we got over it and were closer for it. The I lie because I didn't want to fight with you line only proved to me our relationship wasn't worth an argument??? That dog don't hunt either. The lieing would have driven me out of the realtionship ADD or un-ADD. Harse but you want a relationship quit the lieing no matter what color it is!!!

I want to make certain I understand this:

A. He wants you to have no online friends.

B. He invades your computer privacy to make sure you have no online friends.

C. He then says you lied to him with absolutely no apologies for his invasion of your privacy.

D. He continued to torment you over this lie.

Have you asked yourself why he believes he has the right to control your life in this way? What possible reason could he have for not wanting you to have nonromantic relationship online?

His behavior seems very odd to me.

Coral~

All of the above is correct..I do NOT know why I am giving him this much control over my life. My family and friends have commented about his controling ways..I shrugged them off as being jealous of my free time which is very little because when we are not working we are together every waking moment. So this jealousy is ridiculous and foreign to me...He mentioned that he probably should not have invaded my history but no apology for his disregard to my privacy. I think it is important to mention this..I never go through his billfold or his laptop and I never would even IF I suspected some discrepancy. There are other ways to get info without invading personal space and privacy. I was always told "If you use strong enough soap, it will all come out in the wash". But everytime we get into a heated discussion he brings up the online friend situation. He is not perfect believe me, and I do NOT keep a runnning list of his faults , just to remind him every time we disagree about something. I wouldn't want to be treated that way - so I don't do that to him. Jealousy is the only motive I can see..OUR friends are mutual or I don't see my other friends except at work. I am very close to his kids and his mother and sometimes that even seems like that annoys him. Go figure..

I feel you are right he shouldn't bring up past issues I would ask him why he is doing this Yes in the heat of battle I would ask him why are you drudging up the past (knowing me I would have to complete the thought with......you need the past mistake becuase you haven't the ammunitation to fight standing soley on the discussion at hand) My partner has popped one like that at me during our arguments and it has stopped me dead in my tracks as he was correct in this assumption. Fighting fair means no past dredging, or name calling I have to be reminded by partner from time to time. Sounds like you are seeing the good of his absence... that is a good ADD trait we don't focus too long to become obcessed.True for my ADD anyway. Looking for the good reason to call it quits is part of the acceptance process and is healthy.

Hi Tammy,

I cannot agree that there should be no privacy in intimacy. They are separate issues. To me, intimacy is the closeness that we feel to someone that makes us want to share things. Make that sharing forced and privacy has been compromised.

While I agree that lying is wrong in most instances and is almost always a self-defeating stategy, I don't believe that people should not have areas of privacy even in the closest and most committed of relationships. I would not go through anyone's computer files or history without first suspecting I was being deceived about a serious issue. In this day and age, fidelity is a serious matter because it keeps the trust in a relationship and nurtures families and protects sexual partners from sexually transmitted disease. If I had serious reason to believe my mate was unfaithful, I would pursue the facts, but to make jealousy a way of life and to be constantly mistrustful is a good way to ruin any relationship. Our spouses and our significant others are not possessions. We have absolutely no right to know everything they think and do. No one can be so scrutinized and maintaince his/her dignity.

I would only investigate an SO if I had reason to believe:

1. He was a danger to himself or others.

2. He was using home, business, or internet connections for illegal activities that might put my own rights in jeporady.

3. He was unfaithful in a way contrary to our vows or written or verbal agreement.

4. I thought he was planning to divorce me and was hiding income for the purpose of keeping me from a reasonable share of the assets.

5. Had exceeded reasonable budgetary expenditures to such an extent that it put our mutual economic lives at risk of bankruptcy.

There may be other extreme instances, but my point is that you can destroy the very thing you are attempting to preserve by being suspicious and not respecting the reasonable boundaries of your loved one. Being respectful and trusting is not the same thing as being blind to all risks.

I don't think having friends of the same sex or even the opposite sex qualifies for laying down the law. Conversation and sexual activity are two different things, right? :)

Funny thing about us humans. We're always trying to figure out what's right, what's wrong, who's right, who's wrong and we waste a lot of energy on this and get nowhere.
It's not about right or wrong. Those are egotistical battles that are never won in a relationship even when you ARE right. Both sides lose.
It's about whether or not what you are doing works.

That means you need to know what you REALLY want and must be willing to pay the price and do whatever it takes to get it.
Teddy, you are NOT a loser. You are navigating through life without a guidebook: like the rest of the world.
How I pick myself up AGAIN and brush myself off is twofold.
One is by asking; what is one thing I can do to make my life better today?
The other is by knowing that there is always someone else who is experiencing something that is worse than my situation and they are prevailing, winning.

Coral~

All of the above is correct..I do NOT know why I am giving him this much control over my life. My family and friends have commented about his controling ways..I shrugged them off as being jealous of my free time which is very little because when we are not working we are together every waking moment. So this jealousy is ridiculous and foreign to me...He mentioned that he probably should not have invaded my history but no apology for his disregard to my privacy. I think it is important to mention this..I never go through his billfold or his laptop and I never would even IF I suspected some discrepancy. There are other ways to get info without invading personal space and privacy. I was always told "If you use strong enough soap, it will all come out in the wash". But everytime we get into a heated discussion he brings up the online friend situation. He is not perfect believe me, and I do NOT keep a runnning list of his faults , just to remind him every time we disagree about something. I wouldn't want to be treated that way - so I don't do that to him. Jealousy is the only motive I can see..OUR friends are mutual or I don't see my other friends except at work. I am very close to his kids and his mother and sometimes that even seems like that annoys him. Go figure..
Teddy, I see his behavior as presenting several red flags for future abuse. Maybe he left because he fears how far he might go in attempting to control you. If I were you (isn't it nice to get free advice from strangers:p ) I would not continue the relationship without counseling. You have a right to have friends. If you have lost his trust by your behavior, the right way to get things back on track is to investigate the underlying issue, not to become a prisoner in your own home.

Teddy, you are NOT a loser. You are navigating through life without a guidebook: like the rest of the world.
How I pick myself up AGAIN and brush myself off is twofold.
One is by asking; what is one thing I can do to make my life better today?
The other is by knowing that there is always someone else who is experiencing something that is worse than my situation and they are prevailing, winning.
This is great advice!

Coral & Fighting~


Thank you both..I am inspired by both of your posts.. The next few days and weeks and months maybe will be hard..but I will survive..just trying to recover from the shock of all this ..I believe in my heart of hearts that I was wrong to lie, BUT we have other issues that factored into his leaving, and maybe I am lucky he left when he did. He told me he loves me and he wants to work on the relationship BUT he needs to do some deep soul searching and pinpoint down what drives him "crazy" in our relationship that he can not handle and how we as a couple can rectify our issues. Do I believe he can do this??? YES. but he has to take care of his own personal battles within himself before we can handle our problems as a couple. And that is the scary part..looking deep into yourself and making yourself accountable for your own actions. Jealousy and control does NOT make a relationship work. Quite the opposite....I love him with all my heart and soul..but to tell me who I can talk too...or not talk to when I am working on me..I don't think so...that's not love..thats Control.

Futs and Draga...

I have not been abused physically in this relationship but in past I have dealt with both physical and mental abuse by others in my family and relationships with exhusbands. I was trying to reference the fact for "why" I have told white lies in my past BEFORE this relationship, and its a hard habit to break..it's hard to not bring my past into my current relationship and break these bad habits. I was just dxed with add and I believe that this was one of my coping skills..one I am not proud of:( Sorry to upset ya..and thanks..believe I will check with Draga about private womens abuse forum..

Lying is naughty but it was also a way of survival for you...it's hard to change survival tactics half way thru your life. Have you explained to you SO about your past and what you had to do to survive? If, so the only thing left is to be honest with him and explain that you are doing your very best to change your behaviours and that he needs to show a little understanding. You don't spend half your life being abused and wake up one morning a new person sadly it just doesn't work that way. It's an everyday struggle for awhile but it does get easier and easier that much I can promise you.

You sound like a wonderful person and so does your SO. He did not say good-bye for good keep that in mind...he is still working this thru, your chaning everyday, growing everyday in the end you will not be the same woman he fell in love with. Give him a little time to get to know the new you to fall in love with the new you. And if the "new you" is not what he was looking for, it's exactly what someone else is looking for. I'm a firm believer that there is someone for everyone it just takes some of us a little longer to find them. Take this experiance and learn from it and practice what you've learned so that you don't have to repeat the lesson.

Lot's of hope and hugs being sent your way.
Cherity