Hi,
My son has ADHD and a behavior and academic plan. One of his recently added goals is to keep his hands to himself. He doesn't hurt people (at least the school isn't saying that). He touches, pokes and sometimes pets girls hair. This goal seems to be very difficult for him. Does "keep your hands to yourself" seem to vague or broad a goal for a seven year old? I think we should be more specific but the school is refusing to do this and work on one behavior at a time.
Is is appropriate for the teacher to be asking his classmates as a group if he has touched them in any way during the day?

Thanks for any ideas
Jordiemom

Hi,
My son has ADHD and a behavior and academic plan. One of his recently added goals is to keep his hands to himself. He doesn't hurt people (at least the school isn't saying that). He touches, pokes and sometimes pets girls hair. This goal seems to be very difficult for him. Does "keep your hands to yourself" seem to vague or broad a goal for a seven year old? [/COLOR] I think we should be more specific but the school is refusing to do this and work on one behavior at a time.
Is is appropriate for the teacher to be asking his classmates as a group if he has touched them in any way during the day?

Thanks for any ideas
Jordiemom

Howdy Jordie's mom,
How's your little guy today? And yourself?
I have a lot of idea's on your post and a lot of them come from experiance so I'll do my best for you and try my hardest to be clear and concise on the points I'm trying to get across and why; but, bear in mind that I have been up for over 48 hours so my mind is like a fly hopping here and there today.

1.) Asking children to track your son's behaviours not only leaves him open for bullying and being bossed around by classmates. But, it made my son feel that he was untrustworthy. No matter how hard he tried he was a bad boy and he wanted so badly to be a good boy or at least that is how he viewed himself. The next reason is easy believe it or not kids do lie...I should know I've raised two past the age of 7 and survived!! But, it's also too vague for a 7 year old..."Did Jordie touch you today?" Hmmm well he bumped me on the playground while in line, he touched my hand when he handed me a pencil, he helped me up when I fell down, he tapped me to get my attention..."YES Jordie touched me"
I'd nip this one in the bud quick...my son's classmates became so obsessed with "helping Koda manage his behaviours" that it went overboard into bullying that went on for years before we found out how truly bad it had gotten. A suicidal 10 year old is not something any parent should have to see. It takes you years to build your son's self esteem and self worth and an outsider minutes to destroy it.

2.)We have had to get very ugly with some teacher's to protect our child's rights. It all comes down to your the mommy and you know best how your son is going to respond to behaviour modification and what practices to use. I'd just let them know their way is not working because it's too vague, so now we are going to try it our way..."Jordie do not touch other people's hair" and remember to reward him. Get a gift bag and fill it with cheap little toys boys love from a dollar store and everyday he displays control let him pick a toy and tell him how very proud you are of him.

Not only is your son ADHD but he's also 7 keep that in mind.

Good luck Jordie's mom, I'll be wishing you strength, fortitude and knowledge.
Cherity

"Keep your hands to yourself" is good instruction. It should be enforced by having the authority figure call it when he/she sees it, but DO NOT put any children in any authority positions. There is an abuse risk.

Bullying is a huge risk. It's very important to keep the child on an even playing field. If you make him feel like he's a bad person because he's different, that will cause pathologies in the future.

At age 7, "hands to yourself" is still something that can be learned. It's not like he's 10 or 11 and can't keep his hands to himself.

Do NOT ask children "did he touch you" because that will cause a lot of problems. Just wait it out, he'll learn.

I also think "keep your hands to yourself" is a good goal for a 7 year old. It may not be the goal itself that is the issue but, rather how the school try to help him with the goal.

While asking the class as a group doesn't sound right to me I don't know what the context of the situation was. Was this something that your son told you? Did you witness it yourself? Did you discuss this with the teacher?

If the teacher just asked it out of nowwhere that is a lot different than if the teacher witnessed your son touching a child /children complained to the teacher outload about your son touching them.

While your son is only 7 and kids will be kids and touch each other the teacher still needs to protect herself and other the students. In this day and age your son touching the other children can we looked at as sexual harassment. There are 5 year olds who have been suspended from school for innocent touching. If several parents have complained about your son touching their chldren then maybe the teacher asking the whole class may be appropriate.

What accomdations and modification are in place to help your son keep his hands to himself? Does he have a stress ball or something on that idea to play with? Is she redirecting him to use the stress ball when he touches the other children? Jusy telling him not to touch the kids doesn't seem like it's really going to help much. He probably needs something to touch.

Living with ADD - To answer your questions. The teacher wrote in a note - "Jordie had a better day today. I asked him if he kept his hands to himself and he said yes. I asked him if he should ask the class and he said no so I didn't. But I don't know if he had kept his hands to himself". I then asked Jordie if his teacher had ever asked the whole class if he had touched them. He said she had done that twice since his behavior chart changed. I guess I felt she thought asking was OK by her comments and his response to my question. I think it is inappropriate for her to ask the class for all the reasons everyone in the post talked about - feeling different (already feels enough that way), self esteem (his is already too low and he's a perfectionist) and bullying (not seeing any of that yet - but I think it could happen if she makes the class his keeper).
She also does behavior management with the whole class - the class as a whole earns letters in a word "Spectacular" and when they get all the letters they get to pick a class reward. They have made it once. I am afraid that sometimes Jordie's behavior/touching issues could start to be viewed by the other kids as why it takes a long time to reach the class goal. Any thoughts on that? She also uses a Blue/red/yellow/green type system - green good behavior, yellow a warning, red (parent gets a slip to sign), blue (behavior issue not resolved in class - sent to vice principal to discuss - parent gets a slip from office to sign). I think this system helps Jordie as the kids move a clip from one large colored circle to another (visual reminder of where he is at) at the teachers request based on their behavior. They are given changes to go back to green.
Thanks for all the input.

Additional information. Jordie had a basket of "fidgets" from the OT. They took them away one by one and now he has none left. They felt he was still "playing" with them and being too distracted to keep them. Then he went to ripping ornate snowflake like folded creations to keep his hands busy, but got in trouble for that as it left little bits of paper around his desk and made rustling noises that distracted others (the teacher). His teacher turned his desk around so he couldn't get into it - in the middle of class and left it that way for a day or so. She has also taken all of his supplies out of his desk and put them into a magazine organizer on top of his desk. That one bothered me too as his desk now looks different than the other kids and it seems punitive to me that he can't have his stuff in his desk, just to keep some paper off the floor.

I haven't talked to the teacher yet about asking the class as the note from her was on the last day of school before xmas vacation. I will be calling her on Tuesday about it. My husband was just livid and wanted me to call an emergency PPT meeting with the school - we have a scheduled meeting January 13 already. I don't think calling an emer meeting will get us there any quicker than Jan 13 and may **** off the school - I'm being diplomatic again. I will get the teachers side of it before that meeting and discuss it at the meeting. Should I be more forceful here? I am still trying to be diplomatic as his teacher has worked with me in the past. Fighting me a little on goal changing to break hands to yourself into smaller more specific behaviors. I think that would really help Jor as he is a very exact kind of kid.Vague never works for him. Jor's psychologist agrees here and will be at the meeting Jan 13 to back me up.

Thanks, Jordiemom

I'm not exactly clear why leaving little bits of paper on the ground would be seen as offensive as long as he is the one to clean them up. Supply the school with a brush broom that Jordie can use after class to clean his mess. But, this is the very reason we taught Koda less (what's the word I want?) viewable? forms of fidgeting...he rubs lotion into his hands during long lectures were he is expected to stand still (this time of year everyone's hands are dry and cracking so it doesn't seem out of the norm) he concentrates by starting at the fingertips and slowly rubbing the lotion in up to his wrist Koda is a multi tasker like myself so he acheives this without missing a beat during the lecture. He'll rub his hands up and down his thighs as if cold or they are sore. Now, is the perfect season for Dakota because a lot of his behaviours do not seem out of the norm and do not draw a lot of attention he wears long sleeve shirts with extremely cheap t-shirts underneath the reason is they fray easily and he can pick at them and hide the damage. He prefers a word game he plays with himself...he'll count how many times a teacher uses a word in a sentence or a phrase during the lecture. Pretty much it's anything that works without offending others is fair game in our household. I would not recommend the word game unless your an audio learner such as Dakota.

Sounds to me though that your on top of the situation and have your son's and classmates best interest at heart I believe his teacher and other school supervisor's will see that and respect you for it.

This teacher doesn't sound very "ADD Friendly". It's so obvious that he NEEDS to have something to do with his hands. I'm sure a whole basket full of "fidgets" was distracting but they should give him one thing at a time. Why don't these people in the school systems get this?????

When we found out that Dakota was ADHD. The very first thing we had to do was re-think and re-learn new parenting skills. We also had to learn to advocate for our child which was hard for both of us since we are both quiet home bodies believe it or not. I agree with Tara 100% one fidget is not going to kill anyone and if you really want to know my honest opinion between the ages of 6 and 8 I had a hard time telling that my children were any different then other children as they've grown older it's become more obvious but why can't each child have a little fidget? lexi has a stringy foam attachement on the end of her pencil--her teacher even claims that it's not a distraction.

has anything happened since you posted this?

Blondie, The goal stayed the same and the teacher agreed not to ask the class for verification that Jordan had kept his hands to himself that day. He is doing better on this goal, but some of his others have regressed backward. I think that is now because he is afraid to touch anyone and he doesn't want to get to close to people for fear he will not be able to control some of his hand flailing that in the past has been mistaken for hitting. There are also times when he lashes out intentionally too and these we are working on. I have talked with his psychologist and him and we have told him that he should not touch anyone at all for any reason for now. Then after he masters this we will re-educate him on good touches and add back when it is appropriate to touch. I think this helped him. Thanks for Asking.

Jordiemom