Entering into yet another year...they all seem same..hope this one will be different..in being more wholesome. so far I have found myself only in parts..and mostly can hold only one part at a time..like a reflection in a broken mirror..finding my self in thousand images..so fragmented, disjointed. Is finding wholesomeness in oneself an illusion?

sometimes life feels like a never ending walk to pilgrimage..one is hoping that one will get to the Holy land and be blessed and get healed and have magic in life..but the walk seems endless..do we ever get to the other end?

I have read so much on life and have thought about it a looooooot..and yet I have not been able to guess it so far..I always feel that maybe one day I will figure out myself and untangle myself from the web and will find a button that would open the doors in life.

There are so many questions..like why is that i feel the way i do..why is that I love people in such strange 'milk of human kindness way' where I just get so attached to people and begin to pour love overpouring in their cup..what need makes me do that? its like even before anyone can say Hi to me I am already prepared with I Love you and sit on their lap like a puppy even though I am not hitting them it interprets to be something weird and sticky and smelly..bad vibes. At such times i feel so let down by myself..
Does anyone has this 'problem too'? or am I an odd even in ADDers..I havent found any email to me from the ADD groups where I am a member but I have written so many private emails to people..and i cant figure out why? I am that needy or loving??


I email so many people..and even in life I give, share all that I have..as if its 'my' life dependent on it.

I always need a kind of 'liquid love' in my heart..in being attached to warmth, love, beauty of soul..and if i cant find that then I must feel it by doing something..its like I am addicted to it..without it I feel so lost and out of breath/life..
I would love to hear from anyone on this..this is one core issue of my add life.

There are so many surefooted people in this world..and those who live by their heart..where is that I go wrong? I have a heart too..but it feels like however much good intention that I may have..I always land up looking like a fool landing in a hot thick soup like a shreaded duck.

I have such lofty dreams..of being a spiritual healer and a poet..I have always felt a passion for it even as a child. why cant I dream normal dreams??

Why is it that anything and everything that I have in me has to be abnormal??? why cant there be some sanity and normalcy in my head, heart, life..everything feels and seems to be out of place, out of touch, out of fashion..out of this world..

There is an ancient Sanskrit(one of the oldest language on earth) couplet which says that "I will find 'one' carrying my 'dharma' (dharma in broad terms is religion but what it really means is 'ones essential being')" This couple isint about findign a lifemate..its says that one day one will find a soulmate who speaks at same heartwave as one does.

And I have waited and waited for my life to that to happen..I just hope that I will be able to talk out without feeing guilt in me or shame..or without feeling silly about the way I talk and the way I am..and find someone who can relate and appriciate it..is it asking for too much??

I dont know..

It feels like running in circles..

Feeling little guilty about bringing up this on first day of the new year..

Nachi,

Happy New Year to you!

I have no answers I can only share the way I see and feel about life's journey.

My feeling is you cannot expect to find the missing part of you in people, for me it is more about a higher power.

I come from an abused childhood where I learned early--age 3, that people were not to be trusted...so I KNOW my reality and others is way different.

I found solace in nature and animals that was my escape.

Have you ever thought of working in a field where your compassion for others can be of great advantage? Say mental health or a non-profit group?

Why is aspiring to be spiritual, loving and poetic abnormal? We all feel abnormal, we have no perspective but ourselves. I know what I am about, I am created by a loving God and my purpose is to love others through Him. I'm still not sure how I am doing that and I fail constantly, but while I am usually unsure of me, I am forever sure of Him.

Guess... I have the Last Word on Who's the winner for now..

Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

I accidently posted this thread instead of the 'Last post thread' :eek:

Thank You Charlie and Moonlily for replying to my message.

Charlie I was abused too as a child..and I could have distrusted people but I choose to create my own world and live with my own sensitivities and only to find that I started living in two parallel worlds..there is one reality world..and this world that I have created in my head and heart..where I look for solace, comfort when I am scared and lonely..which is all the time..

I want my two worlds to merge and be one..and to find harmony amidst painful moments..not by looking away or looking within..but by looking in the eyes of that moment and challenging it on..

some dream of a rabbit to be a Tiger:(

**

Moonlily..there is nothing wrong in being spiritual..its just that maybe it needs big shoulders..I am not realigious per se but when I look at all those who followed God or their beliefs in spirituality, life..they seemed to have this big confidance or courage or life-skill or attitude..something in them that made them the way they were..where as I feel like a half baked turkey dinner most of the time in neither being practical or enough spiritual to transcend through my life lessons and fears..

Nachi

Who dictates how practicle we should be? Who sets the boundaries for normalcy?

You are obviously a real thinker, which I admire. You are an intellegent, articulate writer. However, have you ever considered that you may be over thinking yourself into this whole you describe? I know how dark that whole can be, because I have been there. I don't discount your pain. Maybe it is time, though, to stop waiting for your life to happen. Maybe it is time to throw away those notions of how you think you are supposed to be.

I am not normal...I find normal extremely boring. Look at those before us, the true creators that changed life as we know it. I am certain that in their circles they were not considered normal. They maybe were even thought to be...shall I say it...Crazy. It was not because they were questioning themselves that they were able to have true moments of genuis. It was because they put away the boxes that everyone else chose to live in and lived fully in the genuis they possessed.

The best way to start living is to take a bite out of life that is so big that it drips down your chin. Allow yourself to be messy and make no excuses. Stop using your efforts to rescue everyone else and start using it to rescue yourself. One of the most beautiful things to see is someone that loves the living. If we are on a journey to learn and we only want to reach the end, not experience the journey, how much less will we appreciate the end once we reach it? Or can we ever reach it that way at all?

It is the love of the journey that draws others to you.
Bless you!

woooo hoooo allegro are you a writer by profession?
dang
well written!!!

Now care to share how you arrived at this point of such confidence in yoursel?
It's a great place to be

and did I say
You WRITE DANG GOOD!

Thanks Charlie:) ,

I am not a writer. However, I do seem to get on a roll from time to time...lol.

I have quite a bit to say, but not as much time to do it with just now. I have been on my road to wellness for a long time. I have recently posted several responses within the forum that can give you a better understanding of where my confidence comes from. I would love it if you took a look at them. Let me know what you think.

Ciao!