I really hate to post this because I don't want to bring others down. However, with ADD, I sometimes feel so darn worthless because of my symptoms. They are obviously worse when I'm not on meds but I still have problems even when I'm on them.

How do you handle these feelings and get them to subside?

There are a few basic things I'd like to do but can't seem to pull it off. School, a job that I like, a good relationship.

How do you boost your self-esteem with ADD?


The answer that comes to me is to just keep forgiving myself and trying again. It seems to be all that you can do.

Anyone?

AH, dude, I know exactly how you feel. No matter what you do and no matter what kind of praise people may give you for being a nice guy, a great friend, whatever...YOU BEAT YOURSELF UP...I am exactly the same way. I guess I have never really gotten over the feelings of self-doubt, but merely tried to direct them towards constructive areas of my life...like, if I'm self critical about an aspect of myself, I try to immediately ask the question "What can I do to change that aspect" if it is an aspect like my personality, I tend to feel that my personality shouldnt have to change...its part of who I am...I can be aware of that part of my personality and realize that said aspect may upset others...but because I cant really change it, I begin to feel better, and less guilty about being that way. I am also human, and even people without ADD have personality flaws that annoy the crap out of their friends and families...we are human...we should not be treated as less than human as though those without ADD are perfect or without their own flaws...I wish I could give you a few pointers on relationships but in that department, I have basically screwed up so many times that i cant even begin to think about giving other people advice (see, Im beating myself up now)...the only thing I will say is that not ALL non-ADDers are evil and there are some very kind understanding women out there...so dont give up hope.

In terms of the job aspect..."A JOB THAT I LIKE" will never exist...as soon as something becomes a job, it becomes a responsibility that one must take a little more seriously and must work harder at to keep it going...Not to sound like a marxist or anything, but once you sell your skills for a wage, even when they are skills that you enjoy practicing, they become very mundane...they become labour...I went through the same thing in a band...I thought it would be great to get a band going and get payed to play music, but the business, paid labour aspect sucked all of the fun out of it for me...it became mundane and sucked out all my creativity for a long time...I am just now beginnning to enjoy music composition again...

anyway, hope some of this helps.

MC

Have you talked to your Dr. about this? It could be depression that has been caused by years of dealing with ADD. I had the same problem but the depression was diagnosed first. I still need an antidepressant to help deal with the negative feelings but at a lower dose than I needed before the ADD diagnosis and meds.

Missing_cues, you had a lot of great insight there. I can tell you've walked the same mile. I'm a woman, btw. But no matter.

Yep, beating yourself up is a hard habit to break. It seems that once you start doing it, you have a tough time turning it off. I've tried talking to myself in positive terms and all, affirmations I guess. But nothing has worked thus far.

I like what you said about your personality not having to change. I'll have to think about that a bit more. Sometimes (but not always) I have a bit of social anxiety and it nearly paralyzes me. This is definitely not good for building relationships. I work on it but it seems like a part of me that I can't seem to shed.

Waaaaah!!!! You can't tell me that a job that I'll like will never exist. Noooooooooo!!! It's one thing that I remain hopeful for.

I do understand though, how that can suck the creativity right out of you. You see, I used to draw portraits a bit. But the minute you start talking about doing it for money, I just get turned off. It suddenly becomes a pressured activity, something to be judged, what if they don't like it?, etc...whereas it was relaxation and bliss before.

Thanks for your thoughts, mc.

Originally posted by cobweb
Have you talked to your Dr. about this? It could be depression that has been caused by years of dealing with ADD. I had the same problem but the depression was diagnosed first. I still need an antidepressant to help deal with the negative feelings but at a lower dose than I needed before the ADD diagnosis and meds.

Yes, I do suffer with Depression, always have for as long as I can remember. ADD symptoms do tend to increase the severity of the depression though.

But right now, no job and no meds.

AD's don't tend to work for me. Or if they do, it's only for a few months and they poop out.

Originally posted by Overload
I really hate to post this because I don't want to bring others down. However, with ADD, I sometimes feel so darn worthless because of my symptoms. They are obviously worse when I'm not on meds but I still have problems even when I'm on them.

How do you handle these feelings and get them to subside?



Anyone?

I so relate to this...and for me, I'm not sure I can get them to subside....all I can do is ride them out....watch them be there....and know they will pass.....easier said than done....but I've been struggling, like you, with worthlessness all my life...people told me I was worthless from a very young age and so from the beginning I knew they were right, of course.....as a child, who was I to question what others presented to me? BUT as an adult and a more mature one, I guess I do have some power to say to myself that even though I'm having thoughts about being worthless doesn't mean I AM worthless....my symptoms are my symptoms.....one for me is real procrastination........they are part of my ADD....they do not render me worthless.....I REALLY have to talk to myself...and think (talk) things through....talk things out.....Sometimes I don't think feelings of worthlessness are about my outside status (job, etc.)....I think they come from deep inside..and so healing from worthlessness I think, at least for me, is an inside job....and won't really go away when my life (outside) circumstances change...

Our feelings and emotions are just that feelings and emotions

nothing more nothing less

I get by these feelings and emotions very easy now simply by recognising that I am having them

When I get feelings and emotions that I dont like I simply look at someone elses situation that is worse than mine and then I relize how lucky I am.

I dont live in Iraq where they had a dictator who treated all people like his personal pets or slaves

I dont live in India where some people dont have the basic nessestiys of life

I own a computer and can afford an Internet connection so that puts me in a less worthless state than someone else so therefore then that means that I am not worthless

I drive an old 1989 ford truck and someone else drives a 2003 ford truck

So I guess they are less worthless than me.

My point is (for me of coarse) and maybe for you

A saying that always sticks in my mind when I think of someone else who may have life harder than me

"there, But By The Grace of (GOD) (Budda) (Allha) or any other entity that will work for you , "Goes Me"

I know its hard man, cause I've been there, done that.

wish I had magic words for you but I don't

It aint money that made me happy

I've allways made good money
I've won the lottery
I've been very sucsessful in any job Ive had

I walked away from them all

(the lottery money) 43 Grand I spent in a week and a half
Bought a house and lots of gifts for frends and family

Didn't make me happy made me want more

Now I am driving a big truck and my boss wants me to work 70 to 80 hours a week so I can take home $1200 a week he tells me.

Grin I told hime Id try and give him 40 Hours a week but only if I can work it all in 3 days cause Im going to be dead sometime and dead is for a long time.

I like sitting under a tree and watching the grass grow and the listening to the birds sing I have found is what makes me happy.

Hope my babbling helps you

Remember " Life is a Journey", "Not a Destination"

If you don't like the stop that you have got of at, get back on the train and go to the next stop, Sooner or later you will find the Stop that makes "You HAPPY"

Sorry about the mixup....and your welcome for the advice/rant...the same goes for ADD/Non-ADD men as well....there are some good ones out there (sometimes their harder to find than I women I think...). I have a hard time right now with relationships because no matter how much I would like someone to be with to help me through all of these troubled times, I know that I have a lot of work to do now and I know that I may be prone to ingoring the needs of the woman or even just not being there in the relationship and then losing the structure that comes with comfort of being with someone will send me off on another binge...(its not a good thing, but they only last form a month or so to a year, depending on how the relationship ends). anyway, I hope the best for you and wish you good luck in life...but you have to remember that making it this far inlife only shows that you have fought through a lot of stuff...think of how strong you have been to get to this point in your life and think of how much stronger you are than those who have not had to struggle with ADD...once again...hope this helps...I didnt mean to say that you will never find a job you like...I actually just wanted to point out that ADD or not, I havent met any people who are totally happy with their careers and it has more to do with socio-economic aspects than it does with ADD. You WILL find something that you can do well, and you may not o it perfectly, but if you enjoy it, it will be that much easier...you have to try to keep in mind that no one is perfect at their job, ADD or Not...it is part of a learning process just like school. EVERYONE will make msitakes and the more you dwell on them, the more you will make (thats pretty much how it has happened for me)...once we get into a cycle of negative thinking, its almost second nature to act that out...this sounds really stupid....I know...but you could try this...In college, anyway, I used to have a big sheet of paper with "A+" written on it in big black thick marker (it took up the whole page)...I used to have there with me, posted somewhere when I studied or wrote a paper...I then eventually moved onto having this phrase that I totally still live by (basically my signature phrase below my name) posted around my room...I believed that no matter what, if I believed enough in my own will to succeed no matter what the obstacle, I could get past anything....Although its not full-proof all the time, it has helped my confidence quite a bit...I am now in my second year of my masters in Sociology and although it has been a hard road, I have fought for everything I have achieved today partially because of this...I believe you can achieve these things as well, as do others on the board...

MC

I think most of us ADDults get those feelings. ADDers are prone to ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts). We have to start refraiming our beliefs and adding more positive thoughts.


Yes, we may have had several "failures" in our lives. No, we may not have accomplished the same things or the same ways as others but look how much we have learned along the way.

School, work, and personal relationships are very challenging for us ADDers. Just because we haven't found success in them yet doesn't mean we won't. It mean that we haven't found matches and/or that we have to trying things differently.

I also believe that we need to work through our negative feelings and let ourselves actually feel them to begin healing. It's ok to be sad, angry, frustrated etc because our lives have not gone the way we expected.

We also have to begin to look at our good qualities and strengths. We are fighters!! Just the fact that we are here looking for support proves the we are fighters.


I think it comes down to the fact that we can sit either sit here feeling sorry for ourselves (which I have done time and time again). Or, we can say ok we have screwed up and yes it hurts and make a plan to try things differently and get back out there.

Originally posted by missing_cues
..think of how strong you have been to get to this point in your life and think of how much stronger you are than those who have not had to struggle with ADD...once again..

...In college, anyway, I used to have a big sheet of paper with "A+" written on it in big black thick marker (it took up the whole page)...I used to have there with me, posted somewhere when I studied or wrote a paper..

..I am now in my second year of my masters in Sociology and although it has been a hard road, I have fought for everything I have achieved today partially because of this...I believe you can achieve these things as well, as do others on the board...

MC

Missingcues -- I enjoyed reading this post a lot....I think these mains points are outstanding and really helped me alot anyway...thanks for sharing this today....:)

Originally posted by missing_cues
I didnt mean to say that you will never find a job you like...I actually just wanted to point out that ADD or not, I havent met any people who are totally happy with their careers and it has more to do with socio-economic aspects than it does with ADD.

I believe that very very few people acctully really find a JOB they like They have just learned to lie to themselves very convincinly.

No matter how much they say they like there job there are very few people that would rather be working then playing or something else.

Overload: I can completely commisurate with what you are saying. It is blatantly obvious to others that I have AD/HD because of my hyperactivity and my symptoms do get in my way sometimes - contrary to how I make it sound at times. To make matters worse, I work and goto school in a very ADD-unfriendly environment, so their are quite a few times that I observe my own behaviors and symptoms and just can't understand why I do and say things I do and say. Just last night, I was attending a dinner/meeting and the conversation veered toward AD/HD. I said I understood what some one was talking about because I had AD/HD myself. Another woman sitting at the table looked around at everyone else and made the snide comment, "like we couldn't tell that." Yes, it made me feel worthless and embarassed, too. How do I now 'handle' those feelings? I can only acknowledge what I know. That is, I am an intelligent, sensitive, caring person - and none of that has anything to do with my AD/HD - and whether someone else sees that or only sees my symptoms is not anything I have control over. I also currently do not have a job. All the work I do is 'volunteer' - believe me that is not entirely by my choice. All you can do is continue on doing whatever you can do. If you get stuck in a mire of feelings and thought patterns you will only dig yourself deeper and create a self-perpetuating cycle. Been there. Don't want to go back. And neither do you.

Continue to share your feelings with loved ones and all of us here at this forum. We have been there, too and sometimes just sharing it with someone else will help enormously.

MM

P.S. Here's some quotes I always use to help me when I feel 'worthless' or depressed:

:D "I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing." - Rabbi Hillel

:D "We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life waiting for us." - Joseph Campbell

:D "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." - Elenor Rosevelte

:D "'Ich bin nie anderen Menschen zu messen genesen' - 'It has never been possible to measure me in terms of other human beings'" - Else Lasker-Shuler

This is a rough one indeed.

I think there ARE jobs out there that ADDers will like, but they are remarkable jobs... not your run of the mill employment... until I end up in one, I have resolved myself to the fact that I will change employment every few months.

Which is indeed very depressing.

However, I also have hope for life becoming better because I have self esteem... or is that arrogance?... something that a lot of people in my position seem to have trouble with. You have to look at not only the obstacles that ADD puts in front of you, but the extra talents and tools it gives you to deal with them, i.e. creativity, imagination, the ability to hyperfocus, etc...

1) Depression can be lethal. Above ALL else avoid that. Any way it takes. Regardless. Absolutely.

2) ADD symptoms DO get in the way.

3) One take on depression is that it is anger turned inward. Anger is an objective indicator, and a subjective and poor director of actions to take. Take the hint. Leave the rest.

4) Expressing feelings alone never did any good. Do something, anything, to move into a better space/place/activity/etc.

5)Appropriate change will pay for itself, no matter how expensive.

6)Inappropriate change will leave you stuck with the bill for the whole table.

Learn about your islands of competence. Then move in. Sam Goldstein PH.D. writes for children, so you'll have to parent yourself to follow his lead.

You are not alone. Think Barry Manalow... through the rain...

We feel our own pain when we see yours, your victories free us all.

Keep at it. It is a noble existance. Think "Joseph and the Many colored Coat." These unspeakable hard experiences may position you to save others in the unforseeable future. Stay true to yourself, and stay alive, in evvery way.

In My Humble Opinion.

Another of my long posts. Grab a pillow and a good book.

Back to the first sentance...However, with ADD, I sometimes feel so darn worthless because of my symptoms....

I used to feel worthless for my symptoms. You could say in many ways I still demonstrate my worthlessness by my achievements. But..and this is for me...how I deal with it.

Every one of the symptoms I display is not a choice of mine. It is a fault of mine; in that I display the symptom; but it was never a choice of mine to have the symptom in the first place.

Now, knowing what I DONT have a choice in; allows me to focus on that which I DO have a choice in. I can choose to accept my symptoms and move forward with whatever I am dealt; or I can choose just to stand still; hoping my symptoms will go away; and somehow I will get better.

Somewhere down in the corner of my world; is a little bit of hope that would like me to wake up all better; not having some of the tragic days that I have. Alas, i think by now it would have happened, but I mention it so you know that we all have our hopes.

Now....back to how I deal with things.

Rather than looking at what actions either I or other people do; I look at intentions.(why they do things not what they do).

Grumpy people are mostly grumpy because they don't know how not to be, Loud people the same, ADD people the same. If you tripped me over and I fell; and it was an accident; I would just get up and move on. If you meant to do it I would be more likely to react.(your reason not your action)

Judge yourself and others for things where the action has no ill intention without harshness. Just look at is as choice.

I CHOSE to read your original post. I CHOSE to listen to what is concerning you. I CHOSE to share with you how I deal with these situations.

Now you can CHOOSE to read this post. You can CHOOSE to see if it has any value. You can CHOOSE to think if I'm just way off the mark.

So next time your feeling down; just ask yourself. Did I choose to be feeling this way..no..Did I choose to show my ADD traight and have that affect. no...Do I have a CHOICE in what I do now...yes!!
So now you are at the point of being back in control...you can CHOOSE many options. Say sorry if you upset someone; Smile to someone who is looking sad; apologise if you zoned out in a conversation.

Just repeat after yourself...choice, choice, choice. I cannot undo what has already happened; but I can choose what happens next...then control is yours again and start moving forward.
Choose one step at a time. Choose something positive to focus on. Choose anything. Just make sure it is your choice.

This may not work for anyone, and may not benefit anybody; but
whenever something isn't going right; I throw the CHOICE word at myself and find that it actually helps more often than not.

Sleepz.

Originally posted by sleepzalot
So next time your feeling down; just ask yourself. Did I choose to be feeling this way..no..Did I choose to show my ADD traight and have that affect. no...Do I have a CHOICE in what I do now...yes!!
So now you are at the point of being back in control...you can CHOOSE many options. Say sorry if you upset someone; Smile to someone who is looking sad; apologise if you zoned out in a conversation.

Just repeat after yourself...choice, choice, choice. I cannot undo what has already happened; but I can choose what happens next...then control is yours again and start moving forward.
Choose one step at a time. Choose something positive to focus on. Choose anything. Just make sure it is your choice.

Sleepz, I really appreciate what you've said, especially the part above that I pulled in to this reply. It is an excellent reminder to myself.

I think that in battling the yuck feelings, it is crucial to learn what ADD is and how it uniquely manifests in each of us. Read the books that are out there; surf the web for ADHD info; [b]definitely[/d] read the threads on this Forum for both information and to find support. I feel we should be good to ourselves and learn how we're wired and how our lives have been and are being affected by it. Wouldn't we do the same thing if we were diagnosed with diabetes or some other condition?

When I catch myself feeling bad/guilty/embarassed/worthless about some action/situation/mood in my life (this happens often), I try to identify and separate the ADD-related causes/characteristics that are behind the action/situation/mood and my feelings about them. In looking at the "why" as relating to the way I'm wired, I try to cut myself some slack and not beat myself up. It's very easy for me to throw a loud, rip-roaring pity-party for myself, but when I acknowledge and accept that my ADD has something to do with whatever it is that's bothering me, it's easier for me to accept myself and find the courage to get back on a positive train of thought.

I sure hope that made even a little bit of sense.... :confused:

It did Smooch..

I think for me....knowing I have choices means I fall into the victim role and self-pity thing soooo less often.....the victim role is painful.....:(

Smooch, I understand what you said and it made perfect sense to me, Joan; sorry to hear there is a victim side; but it's great to see that you can use choices to help.

Another of my tips...."borrow my smile and walk it for a mile".
A smile needs exercise; so...just smile for 15 minutes or so. An amazing tonic sometimes.

If you ever need a little cheering up, you can always give me a holler.

Sleepz