My husband and I have been married for 7 years. We were together for 4 years before marriage. At the time, we were in college, so I attributed much of his behavior to being out on his own for the first time. I thought that eventually he'd find the balance between the freedoms and the responsibilities of being an adult. But after we were married I found out that he has ADD. This isn't a clinical diagnosis--he won't go to the doctor. But he passes all of the ADD tests with flying colors. You name the ADD trait, he has it.

He openly admits that he has this problem, but won't do anything about it. He seems to believe that it's really my problem, since he's just fine with the way he is, and I'm the one who wants him to change. I finally got him to agree years ago that if he ever held a job long enough to get insurance, he'd go see a doctor. He generally spends 3-9 months at a job and then 3-6 months unemployed. I lost count of the number of jobs he's had long ago. Finally, concluding that he was never going be able to stay at a job that long without being medicated first, I offered to put him on my insurance when the annual enrollment came along. But, he said that even if I did that he wasn't going to go see a doctor, because he didn't need to concentrate much in his current job anyway. I'm sure his boss disagrees, since my husband constantly relates stories to me about his boss yelling at him for "no reason". Anyway, at about the same time my husband totalled our only car and insurance wouldn't cover it because he fell asleep at the wheel.


The price of a new car and the increase in car insurance made it so that we couldn't afford the hefty cost of adding him to my health insurance anyway, so I dropped the subject. Despite his boss yelling at him alot, this was the best job my husband has had so far, because it was semi-creative work and he only worked part time. That made him so much easier to deal with at home. Full time jobs seem to suck the soul out of him. But (and there's always a but), his boss has cut him down to one day a week and we are quickly going broke. So now my husband is going to start a new soul-sucking but better paying job next week. I don't look forward to how I know it will change his behavior, but at least we won't fight about money as much. That's probably a bit too much background info just to say that we can't afford a doctor and he won't go anyway. So what else can we do? We've tried organizational tactics and rule-setting, all of which he agrees to at first, like to-do lists, clearly defined budgets, curfews, etc. But after two or three weeks they're all forgotten. I don't want to do everything for him, but I wind up having to tell him the what and when all the time and that grates on both of us. We're both so tired of this routine that we lose our tempers easily.


If I yell, he says I'm abusive, but the only time I can get him to retain anything I say is if I yell. And it's only if I've had to repeat the same thing a dozen times that I lose my temper and yell at him. I desperately need to know how to deal with him. I'm absolutely drained from having to be the sole person to handle all of the responsibilities. It's just as draining when he helps because I have to ask him over and over again and then I often wind up having to fix the situation when he screws up. And it's difficult to feel anything romantic when we have this mother-child dynamic going on. He thinks I don't love him because I won't accept him the way he is. I think he doesn't love me because I don't rate high enough with him for anything I say to register in his mind. He has no trouble remembering things he's interested in, after all. Anyway, I'm at a total loss and don't know what to do. Can anyone offer any advise on how to maintain a healthy relationship with an unmedicated ADD spouse?

Abna,

Everything you say sounds oh so familiar. My fiancee hasn't had the wild job history the last few years that your husband has, but that was due to an extremely accomodating boss. She just recently was fired, so who knows what will happen next. Previous to this job, she's had more jobs than I can even begin to remember.

I'm not sure that you can do anything other than ignore his behavior (I find that doesn't work) or simply accept that he's the way he is, doesn't want to change, and you have to decide if you want to stick it out with him. He's fairly clearly said he's fine and you are the problem, so I think you might already have your answer. Acting upon it is the problem. I keep thinking I'm going to have to leave my fiancee myself, so that may be coloring my opinion, but I'm rapidly getting to the conclusion that it's either accept her as she is or sacrifice my sanity putting up with her behavior. Or leave. None of which is a terribly attractive opiton to me, as I'm sure it is not with you.

Sorry I don't have the magic bullet for you. In my experience with my fiancee (she IS medicated and *tries* to improve her behavior, so she says) you aren't going to find any one thing that will magically fix everything. Best it's going to get is some moderate improvement, MAYBE. But I don't think anything is going to change until he gets some medication and counseling. You should consider counseling for yourself too.

At_wits_end

abna,
Welcome to the forum.

For background, I'm a divorced man with ADHD. My ADHD was not the primary cause for my divorce, and I wasn't diagnosed untill after we were separated. Funny thing is, I was on a very effective medication long before I was diagnosed, but my wife never could deal with or accept the fact that I need to take a medication that affected my brain in any way.

I read in this forum because its good for me to be reminded how I can be perceived by other people, and what my behavior can be if I don't take action to be something different. I'd also like to be married again, and I read here as an antidote to complacency in dealing with ADHD.
I post in this forum out of a sense of personal/social responsibility for having ADHD.

I've read numerous posts here just like yours by people, who are usually women married to untreated men who refuse treatment.
I'm a recovered alcoholic. I've been clean and sober for some 18 years now, but everytime I read these posts I see the same exact symptoms as alcoholism: I see a sick person who refuses treatment, blaming their problems on someone else: "If you didn't do ________ I wouldn't drink."
I think its perfectly appropriate, and more than that, its essential for a woman who is married to an alcoholic to tell him "Either you go to treatment and stay sober, or I'm leaving. Period.", and then proceed to back up her words with actions.

Love isn't some namby-pamby sentimentalism that puts up with abuse, mistreatment and other BS. It can be a bitter medicine at times. It is a principle that seeks the highest good for the other person. In this case, I believe it would be for your husband's highest good to realize the gravity of his condition--that he has ADD, and this is the root cause of most of his problems in life.
I though for 10-12 years that I had a cop problem. I mean, where ever I went and what ever I did, I had problems with the cops.
Then a funny thing happened: I quit drinking, and the cops quit bothering me! :D
Talk about an eye opener. What's even funnier is that anyone could have told you that me and the alcohol was the problem, not the cops, but how much good would it have done to tell me that?
I'm not advocating breaking up your marriage; I deeply regret my divorce, but my wife wanted it. I am advocating you doing whatever you need to do to help yourself and your husband. I agree with the above post recommending you get counseling; this will help you deal with the abuse you receive, and learn how to defend yourself against it.

Good luck!

Unfortunately, unless and until your husband gets treatment for his ADD, he is NOT going to get any better and what you see now is what you will get for the rest of your lives together, plus worse in old age. ADD is a chemical imbalance in the brain. It rarely fixes itself. I know people who do not take meds, but it is after several years on them and also working very hard to change behaviors. It works for them, but I think they are rare individuals.

The rest is up to you. How much can you take of this forever? What sacrifices are you willing to make? Do you want to have children with this man knowing how he is and knowing that chances are your children will also have the disorder. How much help will he be in raising a child?

Why does he refuse to get help? Does he enjoy being a screw up? What is he afraid of?

The thing is that you can't force him to take medication or seek a diagnosis. In many cases the more a person with ADD is pushed the more he or she automaticly does the opposite. Sometimes it's not even by choice it's like denfense mechinism.

Does your husband have any education about ADD? There are some great books and tapes that give a balanced view of ADD. Maybe it might help to start by educating him with resources that don't look at ADD as only a negative.

Thank you for your replies. To answer a question that was asked, he has read up on ADD treatments and what he got out of it was that although he might be able to remember things better and concentrate on tasks better, he believes being medicated would change his personality and make him docile and malleable. He said that they are all stimulants of one sort or another. I haven't done my research, though, is this true?

Yesterday we had a 9 hour long fight/discussion. Our fights usually don't last that long before he retreats into another room and refuses to communicate any more. I told him how his actions make me feel. It wasn't the first or the thousandth time, but I think maybe he listened this time. Maybe. And he told me some things he felt about my reactions to him, which he hasn't ever let me know before. All in all, he makes me feel like an evil dictator and I make him feel stupid and worthless. Neither of us thought the other liked us anymore. I said I was willing to work on my part if he would work on his. And he packed his bags. And we talked more, and he unpacked (well, not really--it will probably take him a week to unpack, but at least he stopped packing).

We came to an agreement about what each of us would do. I didn't get some of the things I wanted, like him going to the doctor, or my not having to tell him what chores need to be done, or him trying to remember things better (because that is apparently impossible). But I did get him to agree to not place his anger at having to do chores or having to go to work on me. He agrees that it is not my fault that he has to work and that I am not being unfair by asking him to half the chores. I had to agree to let him state his case about whether or not a chore really needs to be done, for instance, do leaves need to be raked every time they cover the yard, or just 2-3 times a year? This is as long as he will listen to my reasoning about why I think it should be done. And I have to tell him if I have an issue with something, instead of trying to just let it go until I can't take it anymore and lose my temper with him. But I have to find some way to explain what is wrong without making him feel bad. Any ideas on how to do that? And also, if his actions make me feel bad, I'm supposed to let him know so that he can tell me what his actions really mean. He doesn't really talk about his feelings, and apparently I misjudge his body language, like frowning, stomping, throwing things around, and not making eye contact. And he agrees to just tell me what he really means instead of yelling at me that I should stop judging him and making up what he must be thinking.

I asked him if he thought things would work out between us, and he said that it would be nice if they did. I decided that was a good enough answer. I'm not sure if either of us can do what we said, but I'll try. My health plan offers 6 free sessions with a counselor, so I guess I'll go.

Really, though, if anyone has any tips on how to say things in an unoffensive way, that would help. How to let him know if he's forgotten something without making him feel stupid for doing so, or how to tell him that his angry-seeming actions hurt my feelings without making him feel judged.

What are your ages? I would definitely recommend that YOU start reading up on ADD if you plan on staying in this relationship. There are so many points I could make, but just not enough time right now. Suffice it to say, he can talk the talk all he wants, but after this initial period of the "honeymoon phase" things will go back to what they were before.

It is my guess that you are not saying things in a defensive manner at all. It is my guess that you have already tried to not have a "tone" with him when you ask about him forgetting things. I found after years of trying to make this better, it was not ME, but his perception due to his ADD and always feeling guilty because he once again forgot and felt like a screw up.

How are you suppose to interpret thowing things and stomping? How childish of him to say you misinterpret things. What is that suppose to mean?

I will tell you once again, NOTHING WILL CHANGE You will be on this rollercoaster ride until he gets treatment and then it still is a rollercoaster sometimes, just better.

Medication will do nothing but make him a better person, more capable of living a life he will like better too. It does take some work to get right dosages etc, but IMHO it is worth the end results.

If you expect to work things out, I stress once again that you better do your own reading on this subject and become educated about it yourself.

Research does suggest that medication is very helpful in over 70% of people with ADD when they find the right type of medication. Medication may help with a lot of things put the pill doesn't give people skills. His and your communication styles are not going to magicaly get in sync once he finds the right medication.

It's great that you are trying to educate yourself about ADD buy coming to a site like this. There are also some great books about ADD and relationships too http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=295

As you may have guessed I am the one with ADD. My husband doesn't have ADD. He has been part of some other online support groups for partners of people with ADD and read through many of the posts here too. He has educated himself about ADD and has a pretty good understaning of it. His comments after reading all these posts were that maybe these people just married some real jerks and it has very little to do with the ADD itself.

I think he has point. ADD can be an explanation for many things but it's not an excuse.

I am 29 and he is 28. And I am well aware of the very high probability that any changes will only last for a few weeks, since that has been the case over and over again. For my part though, this time unlike every other time, I am not going to let it slide if everything reverts in a few weeks. He asked me to tell him immediately if there is an issue intead of letting it build. He may regret that before long, but I plan to stick to it.

And no, for the most part, I don't say things in what I think is a defensive manner. I try to use feeling words and express things as an opinion that could change if I'm missing the proper input, but he doesn't always take it that way. Sometimes, though, I do say things the wrong way. I get so angry that I can't stop myself before yelling or getting sarcastic. And I need to find a way to not do that. Which I guess means I need to find a way to not get so angry, because I can generally control what I say otherwise. Funny thing is, when I yell something at him, he can remember that.

He says that when he frowns and stomps around and stuff after I've asked him to do something that he is mad at the chores, not at me for making him do it. I tried to tell him that he needs to express that differently, since it's me that sees his reaction, not the laundry. He said he can't stop getting gruff about it but he'll try to remember to say something nice to me so I know it's not personal. We'll see how that works out, and for how long.

Yes, I guess I should read up on it myself. Any recommendations on a good book? I flip through some books every now and then at the bookstore, but some of them seemed to be giving some really bad advice.

My husband starts his new job on Monday. He says that after 2 months he gets insurance. If he's still there after 2 months, I'm going to try to get him to at least talk to a doctor or counselor. Maybe the doc can change his mind about medication, or maybe hearing from a third party that what he sees as not a big deal is a very big deal to the people around him will inspire him to try to change. If he would at least stick to some organizational tactics or learn to communicate better, that would help.

Oh, thanks for book list. You were posting that just as I was posting the message asking for it.

I think once you try the medication it is amazing how much easier things are, I was really surprised, my first doctor caused problems for me getting dxed etc, cause I had possibly aspgerger traits or high functioning autism traits, at the end the doctor didnt want to be my doctor, I looked at the symptoms for Scitzotypal traits and I didn't have five of them, just the language part and I am very uneven, they had me down as scitzotypal traits and my old doctor had me as scizoid personality in his chart, so this whole dxing was a horrible experience for me, etc. and a real hassle, that may be what scares him, is not trying the medication but getting dxed by someone who can actually effect your mental health status. I mean many ways I wish I didn't get dxed, but I Know the medication makes a difference, the problem here the doctors don't seem to treat adult adhd, so it is a hassle. though my new doctor seems very cutting edge. I think losing your adult rights is a very real fear and concern, and shouln't be underestimated. Even being yelled at alot is a threat to your adult rights, of course people yell at you cause you appear so stupid.

When I was working for another person, I had real problems and they thought I had a drinking problem and I went a long with that so I could negotiate, saying I will try harder and I wont do that again. At one point they sent me to get dxed to mental health, they asked me questions about drinking but never asked about adhd stuff, and they yelled at me alot.


I don't drive, and at that job they assumed I didn't hav emy drivers license cause of impaired, but I actually dont have it cause I did not pass the eye test. Lots of decisions are made by omitting stuff. If people yell at him a lot he may be more afraid to go to the doctor and try the medication. The medication is one thing, being yelled at by someone who is mad at you is another. I hate being yelled at :( I get yelled at all the time :(

In my case the ADD makes me slower, and the others think I am just lazy and using it as an excuse, and I often fear for my future and actually think of jumping off something, but the landing and pain and getting mangled so far has been a good deterant. I may not have ADD though I may have high functioning autism, and I don't need that label that is for sure. ::

abna,
It sounds like you have taken some good steps in the right direction.
I think ADD'ers are hypersensitive to anything that even comes close to being personal criticism, so even if you say things "perfectly" he could still take it wrong, but don't let his reactions prevent you from doing what is right.
A counseler can really help a lot in terms of teaching you how to communicate.

Lisa:
Don't jump! :)

I think ADD'ers are hypersensitive to anything that even comes close to being personal criticism, so even if you say things "perfectly" he could still take it wrong, but don't let his reactions prevent you from doing what is right.
Oh my gosh! This is SO my husband. He says he can take criticism but when it happens he really can't deal with it! For years he has been insisting that I can say what I have to say and he can take it. Guess what? That's not what happens in reality. It's so frustrating.