Hi all,
I have a lot of people in my life with ADD and am studying to become an ADD coach. I'm also a social worker and would like to start some support and information groups for partners of ADDers. (romantic partners) For you wives or husbands or girlfriends or boyfriends of people with ADD, I was wondering, if you were to join a group, what would you want to discuss or talk about or learn. What would really help you? I want to offer a really good group so I thought I'd come here first and see what you all think. Do you think a group like this with other people who were experiencing the same frustrations and love with their partners would be helpful? Thanks so much for any suggestions.
Mimi

Oh my goodness, Mimi... I would love it! As a the non-ADD partner in a young married couple, I find it extremely difficult to find other non-ADD partners in serious relationships, as many of my friends don't usually have a lot of long term relationships right now.

As for topics that I would want to discuss in a group in my area, I would appreciate a series of meetings on different aspects of relationships with ADD partners, like emotional sensitivity, negotiating roles within the household and the relationship itself (victim and perpetrator, parent and child, caretaker and ill person, etc.), issues with anger management for BOTH partners, communication between ADD and non-ADD partners, and to be blunt, our sex lives with our ADD partners. Some may not need this last part, as I have read varied posts about how relationships with ADD partners differ in this. It seems as though there are many that are happy and many that are not. I suppose this could also be said of most of the other topics, but isn't the hope of such groups to have those that are able to manage these things well help those that can't?

Just my thoughts.

On communication, I would want to know not only how to keep the lines of communication open in the relationship, but also the right way to say things. I find it hard to talk about my feelings or about a problem in a way that my ADD spouse doesn't find offensive or belittling.

how to set up a carrot/stick system so when they don't live up to their agreements, they have to "pay the price" without it being us non add'ers who once again have to play "bad cop". it's the system that's the enforcer, not us. of course, that still goes to the heart of the issue, which is the ADD'ers inability to deliver upon promises made or stick to agreements and systems that are mutually put in place.

i think that the main thing non adder's need to learn is how to deal with the incredible anger and frustrations that are caused by our add'ers behavior. i'm sure that the add'ers won't like my saying this (tough noogie folks), but they are the ones who cannot function normally, not us. I.E it's almost all on them if any real improvement is going to occur in their life and our shared life. Sure, we have to learn how not to pour water on a grease fire, but at what point is the line drawn as to who is truly the one who needs to change? And how do you get someone with the attention span of a cat to really think about that and remember to do it?

yes i'm extremely angry today, can you tell?

at_wits_end

how to set up a carrot/stick system so when they don't live up to their agreements, they have to "pay the price" without it being us non add'ers who once again have to play "bad cop". it's the system that's the enforcer, not us. of course, that still goes to the heart of the issue, which is the ADD'ers inability to deliver upon promises made or stick to agreements and systems that are mutually put in place.


at_wits_end
That can also be looked at from a different perspective. One big problem is that people with ADD have huge problems planning. Quite often we over promise things and under deliver. Maybe you guys needs to look at the agreements and systems that you believe were agreed to mutually. There is a good chance that the person with ADD agreed to these things with out actually realizing what was involved.

Thanks so much for your responses. The two people in my life who I see the most, my son and my business partner both have ADD so I can imagine how challenging, exhausting and hard to keep your heart open it must be if you're married to an ADDer. Well, those are great suggestions so far. I'm copying them all to a file so I'll know what to cover when I start my groups. Any other ideas are very welcome too!
Mimi

. Maybe you guys needs to look at the agreements and systems that you believe were agreed to mutually. There is a good chance that the person with ADD agreed to these things with out actually realizing what was involved.
As a pwADD yourself, can you please explain to me what you mean by this... what do we do after looking at agreements and systems? Then what?

There is a good chance that the person with ADD agreed to these things with out actually realizing what was involved.
**** Then there is no hope. I'm talking about agreements like dividing household/outside chores (i'll wash the dishes every day, you vacuum and dust once a week, etc). Currently the only way anything gets cleaned (unless I just do it) is if we're having company over and I force her to get the house cleaned, usually while helping her. Of course, I have MY chores/agreements to fulfill still, so I end up doing at least 75% of everything because she is SO overwhelmed with not many chores that it's laughable to think she might help ME for once.

Finish the whole cycle off with once again having to be "bad cop" when I suggest that "you really need to get a 12' x 12' room cleaned in under 2 hours, especially since you put it off until the last possible second. AGAIN.". God help me if I forget to just not ask when the last time the house was cleaned; we go right into nuclear meltdown mode. I don't really even need to ask because I already know it's been a couple of months since the last cleaning because the dust balls have developed language skills.

Or just other general financial agreements like don't just go off and buy something other than food, gas, personal/household items (toiletries, etc) without discussing it together first to determine if it's really necessary, if it's just an impulse buy, or most importantly "can we afford to buy this?".

Any suggestions for dealing with this?

at_wits_end

That's so awesome that you're putting together a support group!

If I were to join one I would want the group to be both the person with ADD and their spouse. A rule would most likely have to be established "what is said here, stays here" to help prevent fights at home. When I'm frustrated at my hubby all I want to do is vent. I may say hurtful things but I don't mean them.

I would love to hear about strategies and things that have worked in other couples, as well as talk about communication, and things as the wife of a man with ADD I can do. It would also be helpful to start a book list of good books people have read.

The biggest thing is to keep the group non judgmental of each other, giving everyone the freedom to speak their mind, express their worries, and not have to worry about what other people think of them.

I think this is an awesome idea. It also gives group members a chance to establish connections, possibly relationships with other couples. One thing I find difficult is I don't have anyone that I can really talk to when I'm frustrated with something going on.

Good luck with your group, would love to hear how it goes!

As a pwADD yourself, can you please explain to me what you mean by this... what do we do after looking at agreements and systems? Then what?
Tara,
Maybe you did not think I was serious with this question, but I was. Do you have any answers for me as to what next?

**** Then there is no hope. I'm talking about agreements like dividing household/outside chores (i'll wash the dishes every day, you vacuum and dust once a week, etc). Currently the only way anything gets cleaned (unless I just do it) is if we're having company over and I force her to get the house cleaned, usually while helping her. Of course, I have MY chores/agreements to fulfill still, so I end up doing at least 75% of everything because she is SO overwhelmed with not many chores that it's laughable to think she might help ME for once.

Finish the whole cycle off with once again having to be "bad cop" when I suggest that "you really need to get a 12' x 12' room cleaned in under 2 hours, especially since you put it off until the last possible second. AGAIN.". God help me if I forget to just not ask when the last time the house was cleaned; we go right into nuclear meltdown mode. I don't really even need to ask because I already know it's been a couple of months since the last cleaning because the dust balls have developed language skills.

Or just other general financial agreements like don't just go off and buy something other than food, gas, personal/household items (toiletries, etc) without discussing it together first to determine if it's really necessary, if it's just an impulse buy, or most importantly "can we afford to buy this?".

Any suggestions for dealing with this?

at_wits_end
I am stating from the outset that I have ADD [inattentive/overfocused] and I am aware this thread was really only addressed to Non Add'ers. So why am I posting? Because I was only Dx at age 38, just turned 39, but had married an ADD'er.

Your posts interest me greatly because "I" felt as you did. Why? Because I HAD NO CHOICE but to learn to organize myself, clean my home, do my career, pay my bills, not run up debts. I have never had a filthy house. I can clean a huge house in less than 5 hours top to bottom. How come? I have ADD?

Because of the "no choice". No Knowledge equalled get up and do it now! I gave myself NO option but to move my a**.

But..my husband, who is on this forum, was much as your wife. I felt like he was undoing years and years of my hard work.

One day I asked him a question whilst we were discussing ADHD in a quiet manner, how things could be improved. The question? If someone placed a gun to your head and said "clean up your room in 30 mins or else", could you do it?

His answer? "YES".

Now OUR house is clean, our bills are paid, our lives are organized, and we owe nothing to anyone.

My husband has one step to make, and so do I in this small department.....get our personal desks more organized. That's my bad spot.

Bottom line is.....I feel ppl with ADHD can and could do a lot more to help themselves if they really tried. I was given no choice. Perhaps they are given too many. Not all of them; many are well organized, but many don't appear to really care and are happy to wallow.

Now I shalt possibly be roasted; and I really don't care.....I made it. :)

I hope all of you with ADD partners can reach a point of happiness. It can be done.

Regards,
Viktoria

Viktoria,
First off, I love the spelling of your name, so I am inclined to think you are not in the US.

When you say you had no choice, what do you mean by that? Other people with ADD don't seem to think or realize they have other choices than being the way they are. High spenders, messy houses, etc. What is the difference for you that you were able to see you had no choice but to do it the way you do?

I suspect that I have ADD, just to make it clear.

Something I think is important is for both ADDers and none ADDers to acknowledge each other's difficulties and believe the other person when she/he says "I find this difficult"

I won't let anyone tell me that every day life and household work are easy, because I don't think so, and I'm not going to tell anyone who find intellectual work, which is easy for me, difficult, that it's easy.

Viktoria,
First off, I love the spelling of your name, so I am inclined to think you are not in the US.

When you say you had no choice, what do you mean by that? Other people with ADD don't seem to think or realize they have other choices than being the way they are. High spenders, messy houses, etc. What is the difference for you that you were able to see you had no choice but to do it the way you do?The very fact of my ignorance of having ADD made me "force" myself to perform up to my best standard. That is why I say that ignorance may be bliss.

Fact: I made a conscious choice not to be lazy, despite days of utter exhaustion. My life became a matter of choice that I realized I could go one way, or another. I chose to be clean, non high spending, responsible. We all have choices.

If I didn't know I had ADD, then how could I say "I made a promise to do such and such, but I can't do it because it's so hard for me." I just did it. Forced myself by power of sheer willpower. I also suffer PTSD through an horrific criminal act I witnessed. ADD+PTSD? Not pleasant.

But was it "difficult" for me? More difficult than for a "normal"? Oh hell yes. I struggled and struggled. But I would not take back one moment of that struggle. The more I struggled and fought against the difficulties, the easier it became.

But, in all fairness, there are others here on this forum that have told me they don't like mess either, and they don't overspend. It's not only me.

The one thing I do suffer from in all the struggle is an overwhelming tiredness; I just don't give in to it. I do do one thing. I permit myself one day a week, usually Sunday, to do anything I wish, such as just lay around and catch up on my emotional tiredness. Both my husband and I have an agreement on this issue. But as my work is all done, I can do it guilt free.

However, I do believe with the differing types of ADD that some may have it harder than I. Perhaps my lack of hyperactivity and overfocus make it easier for me to get up, get on with tasks, etc, and then I'm off and working hard.
I don't have the medical knowledge behind all this to explain as much as I would like. I can only tell it as it is. But do I "think" some use ADD as an excuse? Yes, I do. Ask my husband, Ancient Music, on this forum, if he started making excuses for himself once he had the ADD diagnosis. His answer will be a resounding "yes". He has told me this, and said he would state it here himself. My husband has combined ADD plus OCD. He fought and won the battle with OCD, and his ADD......well, he isn't medicated for it any longer, and I never have been and never will be.

In all probablity, I gave myself Cognitive Behavior Therapy. My husband's Dr has stated this, and also stated that I created "normal" coping mechanisms in order to survive in the real world.

If you were to meet me, other than my slight daydreaming, you would not have a clue that I have ADD.

My name? I was born in Russia :)

For any who read my posts here, these posts in no way apply to people with learning disorders or other disabilities which would prevent any semblance of ease of choice.

I too, was ignorant of my ADHD (combined) as a child and up untill the age of 40 when I was diagnosed. I always failed through school at subjects that bored me and then when I hit "my ballpark" the situation reversed and my marks excelled.

Unfortunately, my adopted mother never bothered to teach me organizational skills and living skills. She followed me around picking up after me so when I left home my life became disorganised and I generally lived in a mess. I could not cook a meal that resembled edible food, could not iron a shirt, could not pay a phone bill or my rent on time etc etc.

Many people on this forum use ADHD as an excuse for their behaviour and I have been guilty of that too. My beautiful wife Viktoria said something that became a turning point for me. It was this.

"If someone held a loaded gun to your head and said "You have thirty minutes to get this room clean and organised, if its not done, you get a bullet in your head" Could I do it?

My answer was.........easily, a peice of cake, I'd make it with no problems"

The realization came.........Being messy and disorganised is a "choice" of freewill, ADHD or no adhd. We can all make that choice and once made, there are now numerous "aids" to assist us in achieving some level of acceptable lifestyle performance in organization and "messieness" or lack there of.

After being diagnosed and medicated, I started slipping backwards in some ways and it was easy to say "Oh, I cannot help it, I have ADHD and was born this way. I also have OCD to an extent although this is not severe.

Now , after the metaphorical "gun to the head incident" the house is relatively clean and relatively organized plus there is "sloth day" when all we have to do is laze around or whatever else is our inclination. In short, we have more time to fully relax and high stress last minute rushes are practically non existant,...............a thing of the past.

Now Im going to attack my desk for 20 minutes...............then go into sloth mode with a cup of tea and a smoke with a clear conscience.

All my love and kisses to my Beautiful Lady, Viktoria :-x :-x :-x

Andrei

I would love to hear about strategies or medications or anything at all that can be helpful. I feel like I'm nagging and babysitting all of the time and I'm tired of it.

One big problem is that people with ADD have huge problems planning. Quite often we over promise things and under deliver. Maybe you guys needs to look at the agreements and systems that you believe were agreed to mutually. There is a good chance that the person with ADD agreed to these things with out actually realizing what was involved.
Dh is having problems like this at work. He admits he has trouble predicting how long a project will take. When he sets a date and the boss holds him to it, he gets upset. He thinks they should have guidelines not deadlines. He was written up for that on his performance appraisal. He blames managers for wanting to look good in meeting a deadline rather than caring that the project is done well. Can folks w/ ADD get better at this?

I wish Viktoria would write a book!

One big problem is that people with ADD have huge problems planning. Quite often we over promise things and under deliver. Maybe you guys needs to look at the agreements and systems that you believe were agreed to mutually. There is a good chance that the person with ADD agreed to these things with out actually realizing what was involved.
I have always been more successful with jobs where someone broke tasks down and then added more at the right time. I had an awesome supervisor who added tasks to a boring (my word) clerical job. Six years later, they had to hire one and a half people (people hours) to handle the job when I left. I loved the job, but needed someone else to structure my day and I thrived with the help.

One day I asked him a question whilst we were discussing ADHD in a quiet manner, how things could be improved. The question? If someone placed a gun to your head and said "clean up your room in 30 mins or else", could you do it? Nothing like a good deadline to curb procrastination.:D
L.

I wish Viktoria would write a book!

I agree, crime scene, but I am worried that there might not be too many people around to read the book. :mad:
But, you might just be interested in the Crime Scene

btw, crime, do you do police work. :D

Baby, I AM a crime scene. ;)




not police work..but I am an analyst!

To at-wits-end 1-6-05 6:20pm Post --> I hear you!! Your words could be mine EXACTLY!

To Mimi's original question about a support group: I would LOVE to have a support group to go to, but I would not want to just go there to commiserate & complain. We need solid advice, my husband and I. Like a 12 step program, I suppose!