While those of us who have ADD, and often a plethora of Co-morbid conditions, have our own unique relationship issues, it is important to keep in mind that as with treatment, YOU ARE YOUR OWN BEST ADVOCATE.

We often have enormous self esteem issues, and that can be our undoing, more so even than our symptomology in relationships. While it is certainly helpful if the Non-ADD partner makes some attempt to understand our issues, from their perspective it is often hard to even see how they are connected to ADD. We as individuals need a firm handle on what we can and cannot control. It is all too easy to use ADD as a crutch or a shield, something my ex-wife accused me of often. The fact is, that while we are functionally compromised as far as the way everyone else works, and is expected to work in this society, we are far from crippled. It is our responsibility to find ways to work around our deficits, and fit into this society because it certainly isn't going to go far to accomodate us. It is also our responsibility to find relationships that suit us, in which we work well with our partner rather than being a thorn in their side. The same rule applies to this as to life in general. While it would be nice, if everyone understood our issues, the fact is that most people don't and it's hard to blame them for not understanding our unique outlook and behavior when I can't honestly say I've gone out of my way to understand a schizophrenics unique outlook and behavior. I'd like to think I'd be supportive and understanding, but a hypothetical situation is a far cry from reality and I honestly don't know that I'd be able to maintain a relationship with inherent problems of that nature. So, I can hardly blame my ex for not being equiped to understand me.

It really doesn't matter whether your partner has ADD or not, or whether they have any other disability. Each of us is different, and if a partner can appreciate and love you for your unique qualities, and is willing to accept your failings, and you are willing to do the same, it's all good.

My best advice to anyone in matters of the heart is to really get to know and like yourself, get your life moving in the direction you want, pursue your interests, and invest in yourself (with classes, exercise, therapy, reading, and whatever other form of self improvement you care to pursue). Life is short, and learning to be content and happy with yourself is not only a worthwhile endeavor, but it leads to a better understanding of others, and, quite frankly, people are drawn to folks that are happy. I'm not saying to turn into a narcissist, only that with the low self esteem we often have in our world, we tend to involve ourselves in self fullfilling prophecies, or get walked all over because without a sense of our own value we are helpless and completely unmotivated to defend our own interests.

There is no one I have met on this forum, that doesn't have a great deal to offer another person. It took me 34 years to finally get to a point in life where I can honestly say I am happy with who and what I am. Oddly enough that's when I met the woman of my dreams. Coincidence? Hell if I know. I just wish all of you felt and saw in yourselves the things that I and many others here see. We, all of us, have so much to offer! Life is good, and we are good people, let's treat ourselves well, and LIVE. :D

BRAVO !!!!!!!!
EXTREMELY WELL PUT !!!!!
The worst thing we can do is use ADD as a convenient EXCUSE for every and any problem we have or encounter. Let us undesrstand, continually learn about ADD and any new develpopments, and MOVE ON. I observe while reading many posts on this forum that just about anything and everything is being attributed to ADD. If you take any large population, they will have many of the same issues as us........its called life, and not necessarily an ADD thing. This is probably true of many ailments, after a while it can become an excuse for anything that goes wrong. I am not belitteling ADD and its associated difficulties as I know first hand its not exactly a treat to deal with, but, MOVE ON. The GREATEST success stories in my mind are those where the individual had to overcome some type of obstacle be it physical or mental, and made it to the top DESPITE their .......fill in the blank with whatever you care to. Its like the expression, its not the hand you are dealt in life, but rather how you play the hand.
The above was a GREAT POST E-BOY

Thanks K-mart. Had to learn that attitude the hard way. LOL! Many things do get attributed to ADD, but that isn't suprising when you realize it affects nearly every aspect of cognitive function and a plethora of other areas as well. We all have our own unique issues, which is true to one degree or another for every human being alive on this planet. We have just been in the position of groping in the dark and wondering what our problem is until whatever point we got diagnosed at. It can be a real game of catchup, but the bottom line is, once you know your assets and liabilities, and know the rules of the road, griping about the circumstances accomplishes nothing. I can't control other peoples circumstances, except maybe to try and help them where I can, and I can't control the hand I was dealt, but I did get some good cards and I can damn sure control what I do with the good and the bad.

I really wasn't sure what kind of reception that post would get. I'm glad someone liked it. It isn't my attempt to point any fingers, I didn't have any individual people in mind, except of course myself, and it is meant as a positive thing rather than an indictment of ADDers. Sometimes it really does feel like the world is against us. Daily expectations in our society are often in the exact areas we do worst in. However, one thing we have in common with everyone else, and perhaps to an even greater degree is that we are often our own worst enemies. We do more damage to ourselves sometimes than our natural deficits, or even other individuals do. If you are going to play the game, you should at least make sure you are on your own team, and not joining the other one in bringing you down.

E-boy, thank you for your statement. What is important, for me, is to learn to walk with and inspite of whatever obstacle that has been placed in my path. So I can never get over it...why should I? I will even allow myself to fall but I will get up and fall again and get up again. and the process goes for a lifetime.

My hope is to honor all aspects of my personality; to value and to accept it all. And each day I am growing and becoming stonger as I allow "it" into my own personal definition of ME.

and each day I learn more because of the personal stories, insights, knowledge and sharing from people like you. thank you.

WOW. What can I say except GREAT POST ONCE AGAIN. If we LET it, ADD will take us dwn like an anchor. But, if we learn to deal with it, work with it, we can more than get by. Some ADD'ers do extremely well. I guess part of it it how ADD someone is, I have heard there are differnt levels, mild, moderately, and extremely. Dont have a clue as to how to quantify any group, I guess it depends on the level of functioning. I think if you get to know yourself, how you work, you can use that to your advantage. Dont fight yourself just to fit in to the "norm". As an example, I finally learned how to study while in graduate school. I could never sit down and study during the day, too much was going on, my mind was all over the place. Somehow I fisgured out that my concentration and focus was good after 10 or 11 PM. So, I would begin studying at 11 PM, was no problem. We all must figure out or strengths,weaknesses, abilities, and use them to our ADVANTAGE, and we will be fine. If something is not working.....move on...do something else or do it differently. I think those with ADD that do well, have somehow figured themselves out a little better, and learned to work with and put their strengths to work for them. They also accept their weakneses, but dont let them drag them down.
All the best.
KMART

Beautiful!!!

kmart, this is in regard to you're first post. The second one I liked very much.

You're talking about ADD and excuses. Isn't it so that what from a "normal" person's perspective may look like an excuse may from an ADDer's perspective actually be a very real reason?

I think that often it's a question of wether the reasons we provide for why we do or don't do things or whatever are looked upon as explanations or excuses.

WOW. What can I say except GREAT POST ONCE AGAIN. If we LET it, ADD will take us dwn like an anchor. But, if we learn to deal with it, work with it, we can more than get by. Some ADD'ers do extremely well. I guess part of it it how ADD someone is, I have heard there are differnt levels, mild, moderately, and extremely. Dont have a clue as to how to quantify any group, I guess it depends on the level of functioning. I think if you get to know yourself, how you work, you can use that to your advantage. Dont fight yourself just to fit in to the "norm". As an example, I finally learned how to study while in graduate school. I could never sit down and study during the day, too much was going on, my mind was all over the place. Somehow I fisgured out that my concentration and focus was good after 10 or 11 PM. So, I would begin studying at 11 PM, was no problem. We all must figure out or strengths,weaknesses, abilities, and use them to our ADVANTAGE, and we will be fine. If something is not working.....move on...do something else or do it differently. I think those with ADD that do well, have somehow figured themselves out a little better, and learned to work with and put their strengths to work for them. They also accept their weakneses, but dont let them drag them down.
All the best.
KMART
Applause for this post, and your other post. I agree totally! :) Keep posting.....please!!

kmart, this is in regard to you're first post. The second one I liked very much.

You're talking about ADD and excuses. Isn't it so that what from a "normal" person's perspective may look like an excuse may from an ADDer's perspective actually be a very real reason?

I think that often it's a question of wether the reasons we provide for why we do or don't do things or whatever are looked upon as explanations or excuses.
One problem......what about someone like myself who had no idea she had ADD and pushed herself against all odds? Isn't that some type of proof that it can be done? It was damn hard. But by hell, I made it in my ignorance of my ADD.

Yes, it is a struggle with ADD, and we all know it. But where do we draw a line between excuse and choice? Trial and "cannot be bothered"??

There are many successful ppl with ADD, and to them I salut;)

There are many that are successful with ADHD who were Dx later in life.....perhaps ignorance was bliss? :confused:

Applause for this post, and your other post. I agree totally! :) Keep posting.....please!!
Sure !! Now you put the whammy on me, my next post will probably stink! :>}
All kidding aside, thanks and I will do my best.

kmart, this is in regard to you're first post. The second one I liked very much.

You're talking about ADD and excuses. Isn't it so that what from a "normal" person's perspective may look like an excuse may from an ADDer's perspective actually be a very real reason?

I think that often it's a question of wether the reasons we provide for why we do or don't do things or whatever are looked upon as explanations or excuses.

I think we are not looking at it from the same angle. You are seeing it from how others see us, I am speaking about how we see ourselves. Sure, others dont know if a failed/poor effort by us is due to laziness or ADD, how could they? But, we do....or should know. I think we need to somehow come to recognize what is just a lame effort, vs. what is ADD related. I'll be the first to admit, its not at all easy. I think all humans have a tremendous gift to self decieve. But, if we try to make a concious effort, we know if we are being honest with ourselves.

All the best.

One problem......what about someone like myself who had no idea she had ADD and pushed herself against all odds? Isn't that some type of proof that it can be done? It was damn hard. But by hell, I made it in my ignorance of my ADD.

Yes, it is a struggle with ADD, and we all know it. But where do we draw a line between excuse and choice? Trial and "cannot be bothered"??

There are many successful ppl with ADD, and to them I salut;)

There are many that are successful with ADHD who were Dx later in life.....perhaps ignorance was bliss? :confused:
Rhapsody,
You and I are from the same mold. I am 44, was never Dx with ADD as a kid. Was taken to a neurologist, was told I was fine, and that was the end of it. So......school was a total nightmare, I went through it in absolute fear, was the class space cadet, weirdo, _______, you fill in the blank with whatever, because I had it all. I always knew deep down something was wrong with me, but I was told by this Dr that I was fine, so that made me even more confused. ADD was not really well diagnosed back then. As such, most of my youth was a tortuous time....he's lazy,not motivated,doesnt live up to his potential, blah blah blah. I have no idea how, but somehow in high school I got my act together a little bit better, did well, continued on to college and grad school. Mind you, college and grad school were not easy, but I began to learn how I worked a little better. ALL STUDIES were so much harder for me than most everybody else. BUT...if I kept at it, I could do the work, it was EXTREMELY hard however. If I look back, I think I harnessed my anger from all the abuse I took as a kid into an I'll show them mode and be sucessfull somehow.
I have 2 kids, one was having trouble in grade school, my wife recommeded we take her to a neurologist where she was diagnosed with ADD. This is how many adults are being diagnosed today, indirectly through their children. I went on to resesearch ADD on the web, spent a tremendous amount of time, and it was as if a light went off while reading the symptoms and descriptions of ADD. WOW !!! There are others like me, and now at least I know whats wrong !!!
Anyway, I think if we can muster up the desire, motivation, we can accomplish anything, look around, I think every career has people in it with ADD. Its NOT EASY, ITS HARDER FOR US THAN NON ADD'ERS, BUT IF YOU WANT IT ENOUGH, YOU CAN GET IT.

I'm not diagnosed with ADD yet, I'm waiting to get an apointment which could take maybe a year to get. So I don't know if I'm really ADD, I really think I am though because I recognise myself so much in what other people write and I got "Inattentive ADD highly probable" when I did the Dr. Amen test.

If you don't know about ADD, or like I used to do; only think of very hyperactive little boys who have problems in school, you're bound to think of you're problems like "normals" would. At least in some aspect.

There are a few situations I feel I have really failed in. They concerned people who are very important to me. The bottom line of these failings was that I didn't manage to do things that I wanted to and thought I should be able to do.Supposedly easy things. Learning about ADD has made it easier for me to not see myself as a bad person, but a person with certain difficulties that I can work with and ask for help with.

In Swedish there's a word that literally means "away explanation" you "explain something away", you try to make excuses, you don't give the real reason. It's simply not a valid explanation. That's what my father would say sometimes when I, as a child, explained why I had or hadn't done something. To me it was the real reason though.

Of course I don't think ADD should be used as an excuse in the way "I'm ADD I can't do anything"

kmart-Rhapsody,
You and I are from the same mold. I am 44, was never Dx with ADD as a kid. Was taken to a neurologist, was told I was fine, and that was the end of it. So......school was a total nightmare, I went through it in absolute fear, was the class space cadet, weirdo, _______, you fill in the blank with whatever, because I had it all.

We appear to be as you say, from the same mold.:D I was a total misfit in school; either off with the fairies, or head in a book.

I always knew deep down something was wrong with me, but I was told by this Dr that I was fine, so that made me even more confused. ADD was not really well diagnosed back then. As such, most of my youth was a tortuous time....he's lazy,not motivated,doesnt live up to his potential, blah blah blah. I have no idea how, but somehow in high school I got my act together a little bit better, did well, continued on to college and grad school. Mind you, college and grad school were not easy, but I began to learn how I worked a little better.

I picked this very same thing in myself. I realized that I didn't "operate" as every one else did. I appeared to have my own method of data intake which even depsite extreme high grades, I was still reported as "does not pay attention".


ALL STUDIES were so much harder for me than most everybody else. BUT...if I kept at it, I could do the work, it was EXTREMELY hard however. If I look back, I think I harnessed my anger from all the abuse I took as a kid into an I'll show them mode and be sucessfull somehow.

Same here. I developed an "attitude", but one that no one could see. It was EXACTLY how you describe it. "I'll show you". And I did :)

I have 2 kids, one was having trouble in grade school, my wife recommeded we take her to a neurologist where she was diagnosed with ADD. This is how many adults are being diagnosed today, indirectly through their children. I went on to resesearch ADD on the web, spent a tremendous amount of time, and it was as if a light went off while reading the symptoms and descriptions of ADD. WOW !!! There are others like me, and now at least I know whats wrong !!!

Same here, I was only Dx a few months ago, and I had just turned 39 at the time. My husband has ADD and says he knew I had it all along, but wanted me to discover it for myself, but he does say that I developed exceptional coping and organizational skills. I had the abuse from home, and I think that contributed to the "skills" I aquired to a degree, but just not a great way to gain skills.


Anyway, I think if we can muster up the desire, motivation, we can accomplish anything, look around, I think every career has people in it with ADD. Its NOT EASY, ITS HARDER FOR US THAN NON ADD'ERS, BUT IF YOU WANT IT ENOUGH, YOU CAN GET IT.

My career certainly has people with ADD in it, and it has never stopped them. I think many times we all need to hone in our strengths and use those to our advantage. Yes, it IS harder, and I certainly wouldn't want to go through it all again, but we CAN do it if we really want to.

I don't know about you, but for me, success is all the sweeter for the struggle.

It's really nice to meet someone who sounds like me.....finally! :)

Thank you for your reply.......

wow, very well written eboy! impressed.

kmart-Rhapsody,
......school was a total nightmare, I went through it in absolute fear, was the class space cadet, weirdo, _______, you fill in the blank with whatever, because I had it all.

We appear to be as you say, from the same mold.:D I was a total misfit in school; either off with the fairies, or head in a book.

YES!

I always knew deep down something was wrong with me,

...most of my youth was a tortuous time....he's lazy,not motivated,doesnt live up to his potential, blah blah blah. I have no idea how, but somehow in high school I got my act together a little bit better, did well, continued on to college ....

....I didn't "operate" as every one else did. I appeared to have my own method of data intake which even depsite extreme high grades, I was still reported as "does not pay attention".

YES!!!

ALL STUDIES were so much harder for me than most everybody else. BUT...if I kept at it, I could do the work, it was EXTREMELY hard however. If I look back, I think I harnessed my anger from all the abuse I took as a kid into an I'll show them mode and be sucessfull somehow.

Same here. I developed an "attitude", but one that no one could see. It was EXACTLY how you describe it. "I'll show you". And I did :)

YES!!!!!

...how many adults are being diagnosed today, indirectly through their children.

...developed exceptional coping and organizational skills. I had the abuse from home, and I think that contributed to the "skills" I aquired to a degree, but just not a great way to gain skills.

YES!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I think if we can muster up the desire, motivation, we can accomplish anything, look around, I think every career has people in it with ADD. Its NOT EASY, ITS HARDER FOR US THAN NON ADD'ERS, BUT IF YOU WANT IT ENOUGH, YOU CAN GET IT.

...we all need to hone in our strengths and use those to our advantage. Yes, it IS harder, and I certainly wouldn't want to go through it all again, but we CAN do it if we really want to.

I don't know about you, but for me, success is all the sweeter for the struggle.

It's really nice to meet someone who sounds like me.....finally! :)

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gee, all I have to do is follow you guys around...I'll never have to write anything again since you put it all so perfectly!

and E-boy....I think you've expressed this wonderfully, not just in regards to relationships, but to life! My Greatest Struggle is not with "them" but with myself...finding happiness, contentment, strength, self-worth WITHIN me and not waiting for someone outside of me to make me feel good about myself.

Thanks, all of you, for a terrifc thread!

Kim

Gee, all I have to do is follow you guys around...I'll never have to write anything again since you put it all so perfectly!

and E-boy....I think you've expressed this wonderfully, not just in regards to relationships, but to life! My Greatest Struggle is not with "them" but with myself...finding happiness, contentment, strength, self-worth WITHIN me and not waiting for someone outside of me to make me feel good about myself.

Thanks, all of you, for a terrifc thread!

Kim

Hey, Puddy Tat......You have me spitting cofee over this post of yours:D:D