I don't know where to begin. I'm married to a man who is the love of my life. We have suspected and just recently confirmed that he has ADD and has had for most of his life. When he's "there" he's everything anyone could ever dream of intelligent, fun, flirtacious. We dated for 3 years then he asked me to marry him, 16 years have past now, and for some reason about a year ago everything fell apart. When we were first married I realized very quickly that there were things that he just couldn't do. The bills, making sure rent got paid, getting to appointments on time, you all know the drill. I picked up the slack. I'm a professional retail manager so these things weren't hard for me. Now the intimacy and the closeness are gone. We can't talk without fighting. I can't discuss anything that has to do with us with him unless he "blows up". The only intense feelings in our relationship come from fighting these days. He tells me that it's because I remind him (just seeing me) of all the things that I do for him that he should be able to do for himself. I think the most hurtful thing is that he has actively sought out another female companion to share that part of his life. He turns to her for comfort and intimacy. He tells me he loves me, that he just needs to get past his feeling of failure,and his anger, but how is that going to work if he's seeking solace from someone else. We have a 16 year old daughter and his montra lately is that things can begin to change in 2 years when she is on her own. I can't just walk out on him. I love him too much to leave him especially now that we do have a diagnosis. It's only been a week the Welbutrion that the Dr put him on seems to have improved his mood but little else. The Dr dosen't think therapy is an answer until the right meds are found. I don't know what to do... do I put everything on hold and see what counciling and meds do? Is the man I love still there? Did I somehow take his independance away by doing the things he couldn't? I feel very lost and alone. My daughter knows that things aren't going well, she's stressed as well, he dosen't want to stress her more, his solution is to put all our relationship problems on hold until we find out if the Dr can help him. I want to with all my heart. I'm just afraid I'm going to be commited before that can happen.:confused:

My heart aches for you! I am so sorry you are going through this. The fact that he has turned to another woman has been the straw that broke the camels back. First of all, if you intend to see this through with meds now in the picture, he too has to not see this woman. He has to be as committed to the relationship as you are for it to work.

It is a shame that now you have found diagnosis and medication he has chosen this route.

I have to say that I personally do not believe Wellbutrin alone is going to be what works for him. Yes, it will improve his moods but there are several other first choice drugs that will help. Many docs feel that a polypharmacy is the way to go. For example..Concerta and Straterra. Ritalin and Wellbutrin, Adderall and something. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant and often times people with ADD have depression also.

We certainly cannot make your decision for you. I know how much you love this man and he has really committed the ultimate sin as far as a wife is concerned. If you can get past that, and if he will stop the affair and really work on his medication and the marriage I am inclined to think you may have a chance. But, if you are at the point of no return, get out now, don't waste anymore of your precious life on the marriage.

and for some reason about a year ago everything fell apart. :confused:
Do you know if anything specific happened a year ago in his life? A new jo? Lost Job? a move? new house? Sometimes changes like this are enough to really through an ADD person way out of whack.

I am hardly a specialist on this problem. I let my ex play because I was tired of him anyway. When I saw he was neither a good husband or a good father, I was outta there.

I do have one suggestion. Stop doing all the things you are doing for him and let him see what it is like to struggle without you. In other words, don't hold his coat and pat him on the shoulder as he walks out the door.

Also, look to your finances. Make sure you know what you both have and what you both owe. I friend of mine ended up paying most of her soon-to-be ex-husband's hidden debts.

And let him see you are angry. You have a right to be angry.

I'm curious as to what type of Doctor your husband is seeing? Is he somebody who has experience treating adult ADD? Has your husband been diagnosed with only ADD or are there co-existing conditions?


While it's a very good idea to be careful taking advice about medication over the internet liketlak does bring up a point about the Wellbutrin.


Wellbutrin has been very beneficial to many people with ADD but's it's not commonly a 1st line of treatment. Howerver the doctor may have had very good reasons for prescribing it. Medications like Wellbutrin take a long time for to see the full effect. It can take up to 3 months in some people to really work.

It's great that you have begun to educate yourself about ADD. There many great reource to better help you understand adult ADD. It doesn't sound to me like you are putting things on hold right now. You have begun the process of becoming active in your husbands ADD diagnosis and treatment.

Dark Angel,

I agree with others who have questioned the Wellbutrin prescription. That alone will not take care of the problem. When you also take into account the length of time it takes to have the medication's full effect, which can actually take up to 4-6 months depending on your dosage, it's not the first thing that most people are put on. What kind of doctor is monitoring his medication?

I also wonder why the doctor wants to wait for therapy until the medications are stable, especially with the afore mentioned time delay in Wellbutrin's effectiveness. Therapy is usually the first thing that people pursue, and although I am not a medical professional, as a person who has been in therapy for years while I've been both on and off of medication, I would recommend getting therapy as soon as possible. You'll want to look for one that specialized in ADD and family/marital counseling. I would also recommend seeing an psychologist, not just a counselor if possible. As for his medications, you may want to consider seeing a psychiatrist or a polypharmicologist. This ensures proper dosage and monitoring. Once all this is under control, you should think about switching from a General practitioner, assuming that's who you're seeing about this, to an internist, as you get more time and quality specialized care. I've found this has helped dramatically with my husband's condition, and my own health as well.

A final suggestion is to get some therapy for yourself. You need a time and space to talk openly about how all of this is making you feel. It's a lot to carry around, and you need a place to let it out. Again, I found this to be a valuable tool in maintaining my own marriage.

I hope that this helps you, and that things get better. I can tell how much you love your husband, and would hate to see anyone experience that kind of pain. My thoughts are most certainly with you.

-Meghan

Thankyou to all that have responded. Just having an outlet is more of a relief than I thought it would be. As to what kind of Dr he's seeing... he's seeing a psychiatrist. He's gone for his second visit and she just upped his dosage from 300 mg to 450 mg. If there is no improvement by his next visit in 3 weeks she's going to add Stratera to the mix. I'm looking for someone to talk to at this point. I lost my best friend and biggest supporter in Oct, the only person who really knew the whole extent of what's going on. It's going to be hard to replace him, I think I've been afraid to even try.

Why don't you look at response theory part in behaviour theropy, it is hard to respond to a negative with a positive if you don't think it through, I just took a course in this, and I can see how the pattern works, I too don't like being "supported" even though of course I am nothing without the "support" which is of course is the point, you need to help him feel like he is something and supporting each other is what the relationship is about, remind him what he gives you, his reaction is extreme of course, but I think it is hard for a man to be supported by a woman who has been brought up to believe it is not just unmanly and not just a failure, but a threat against being the "head of the household" it may not and probably is not concious so therapy is probably first choice, second choice is try giving positive response to respond to, like if he reacts to being "supported" remind him what he does to support you, don't go on about how much it costs, it will only get worse. He probably likes this new relationship because he probably doesn't feel dependant yet, I am just guessing of course, but this problem comes up all the time I think, and it gets worse when the focus is on how he needs to be responsible and an adult etc, the focus has to be on what he can do to make it better, cue him on the specifics, don't focus on what he can't do so he feels so cornered he wants to scream. It sounds like your doctor is treating him like he is depressed and is not really treating the ADHd, that sort of happened to me, though the ADHD once treated with the stimulant, I started to feel better, cause I could do things for a lot longer etc etc. The supporting part gets worse if another woman starts to say something to him, or in hearing distance, these things could possibly make him feel cornered, it seems to be the protocol here to not recognize adults with ADHD, the doctor's repeatedly refer it to a childhood condition, and even though it is known that it lingers into adulthood anything to make it easier for doctors and insurance companies appears to be their first choice, here anyway. Personally, I am not discriminating against women, but I would see if he could find a male doctor, cause a woman doctor tends to play the fear card, and I find that with my doctor sometimes, if I make an extra effort to communicate through the layers, it may be taken the wrong way, which is not the real problem, it is the fear he can't "control" himself so there is a distance, I personally prefer male doctors who don't react to the fear thing, who needs it? The doctor already seems to be acting like he needs to be "controlled" by the meds before he can be "reasonable", I got hold of my chart (long story) it turned I was dxed with not just ADHd but with something else which was written wrong by my old family doctor who was a man, so it is not a woman man thing, but he made assumptions based on the dx in less than an hour, than actually talking to me like a reaosnable person which he never did, so he got all of the facts about me wrong, it is really hard. At the end when I got my chart I found out that the shrink did not even have training in testing adults with adhd, and a susbititue doctor said it is very hard to dx adults with ADHD, well no wonder if it is not recongized, it is totally unfair, being judged for the systems that are so easilyt managed. You don't don't want him to freak out the lady doctor like he appears to be freaking you out, he could get committed, I am sure it wouldn't be the first time, a patient felt cornered, said the wrong thing, landed up in a straight jacket, or whatever. You want to give him a feeling of power, respect as an adult male. Don't take that away from him. It sounds like she is treating him like he is hopeless and if you complain to much he may be treated like he is dangerous, complaints are everything, you sound like he is out of control, you could get him into a lot of trouble. Again it is the fear card. Give him something positive to respond to , not the fear. I know what I am talking about. No wonder he is with someone else. I am not trying to be mean but the new gf is probably treating him like a man especially if she has discovered how long he can go for if he is "stimulated". There are somethings about ADHD which make a person perhaps a little too passionate rather than sensible appeal to people.

"I'm a professional retail manager so these things weren't hard for me. Now the intimacy and the closeness are gone. We can't talk without fighting. I can't discuss anything that has to do with us with him unless he "blows up". The only intense feelings in our relationship come from fighting these days. He tells me that it's because I remind him (just seeing me) of all the things that I do for him that he should be able to do for himself. I think the most hurtful thing is that he has actively sought out another female companion to share that part of his life. He turns to her for comfort and intimacy. He tells me he loves me, that he just needs to get past his feeling of failure,and his anger, but how is that going to work if he's seeking solace from someone else."

He is telling you what I said in the above message I can't edit any more.

I don't want to be mean. I am sorry if I sounded that way. Actuallly when I was dxed Wellbutrin was suggested too, and the shrink thought ritalin may make me go psychotic, it turned out ritalin has changed my life, the anger thing is more of response to the environment and I try to focus on the postive and go over my course again, and plan my responses like I would plan responses at the shop, and you would be good at that cause you are a professional retailer, I know I am responding much better, and me and my friend don't fight anymore as in responding to each other's negatives responses which is really fighting over nothing. It is different if you are fighting over something real, like he went on a binge or something, I guess hte new GF is real, so that is a bummer for you. You need to set your boundaries, you may not want to support him if he is with other women, you might also have to worry about communicable diseases, so you need to balance your interestes with his. maybe that is why you may need support or even a therapist.

Hugs DarkAngel,

Please take care of yourself! I suggest looking for counseling &/or support groups for you and your daughter. Even in my rural area there is some sort of support meeting almost every day of the week (even during lunch time).

pasted from a previous thread: please don't take any offense but
it has been suggested to me that I seek out co-dependent groups for knowledge.
I would say go to google input your location and seek self-help groups for codependency, called CODA groups.
Following are a few tidbits of online knowledge I've saved while trying to figure out how my actions may be considered as co-dependency:

Attention and energy focus on the family member who is ill or addicted. The co-dependent person typically sacrifices his or her needs to take care of a person who is sick. When co-dependents place other people’s health, welfare and safety before their own, they can lose contact with their own needs, desires, and sense of self.

They have good intentions. They try to take care of a person who is experiencing difficulty, but the caretaking becomes compulsive and defeating. Co-dependents often take on a martyr's role and become "benefactors" to an individual in need...

I am responsible for myself.

I am responsible for leading or not living my life.


I am responsible for tending to my spiritual, emotional, physical, and financial well-being.

I am responsible for identifying and meeting my needs.

I am responsible for solving my problems or learning to live with those I cannot solve.

I am responsible for my choices.

I am responsible for what I give and receive.

I am responsible for how much I enjoy life.

I am responsible for how much pleasure I find in daily activities.

I am responsible for whom I love and how I choose to express this love.

I am responsible for what I do to others and for what I allow others to do to me. ..


you are the only one in the world with the ability to stop mis-behavior directed towards you:...


Co-dependents typically over-focus on the current welfare and activities of another person and consistently lose sight of their own unique needs, abilities, feelings, and lives. They lose healthy me/you boundaries, and their own personal identity and life goals.

Again, please don't take offense I'm only seeing in your post a piece of 'the me' I'm trying to work on.

I know in my case it could be said that I am crippling my daughter by being so very helpful. Who else, I ask myself will put up with this behavior?
Do I want my daughter catering to my grandchildren this way...or searching for a relationship like this?

Best of luck to you and please keep us posted.

I second Charlie's excellent advice.

There is always a y personality approach and x personality approach, that is why the response idea seems so foreign, but try, try planning a positive response to open a positive response and see what happens. If you helping a person or supporting them or giving them money or whatever see the difference if you plan it out so it is not demeaning. I am not saying it is the usual way, I am just saying response planning is what makes or breaks companies and it probably isnt natural. All the ADHD accomodations are accomodations, most people expect a person to sink or swim, and I could get into a serious argument about it19th century concepts verses 21st century concepts, but I know this course made a big difference to me. Planning responses is not what people with this are known to do, and taking a course which shows how to do it on paper it was really really something. I think adhd is the only disability where "enabling" is frowned upon. so the tough love argument is always the coutner argument, leave them sitting in the road side holding a tin cup, and pretend that is what they need. the real difference is a peson with ADHD is not ill or addicted, and people treat them that way, perhaps the doctor is treating him that way, that is the worst thing about this, a person who has a disablity needs structure and enabling just anyone with any other disabilty, and to treat a person with this the same as a person who is mentally ill or addicted is why people don't go and get dxed in the first place. You give up your privacy and what you lose you never get back. No one has to be accountable or responsible for treating a person with this as if they are mentally ill or addicted, and it becomes another problem, almost easier to say Uncle. I remember what happened to my mother, one little pill, the right of course could have made a difference, instead tough love came in which is really hate. Count the bodies, can you? No you can't because they don't count. You want to make sure his doctor is actually trained in ADHD and doesn't treat him as if he is mentally ill or addicted, cause that is damaging in itself. And the women as you can see seem to be the most ruthless especially to the men or gay women. The worst thing is you could be waiting for "therapy" that is never going to happen, and you could be treated as if you are ill too, and the things you really do need are being ignored, and there are web pages on this too, where people with ADD are treated for the wrong thing and are hospitalized etc. You don't want to waste your time focusing on the negative this is a good article.

http://www.healthscout.com/news/1/521145/main.html
"Overall, people with ADHD have less annual income," Biederman said. "This was true for males and females. Those with ADHD had income approximately $10,791 lower per year among high school graduates, and about $4,334 lower for college graduates than their counterparts without ADHD."
The estimated yearly income loss for adults with ADHD in the United States is $77 billion, Biederman said. The numbers for drug abuse are $58 billion, for alcohol abuse $85 billion, and depression $43 billion, he said. "You can see that ADHD is one of the costliest medical conditions we have," he said."

Biederman believes that appropriate treatment could erase much of the disparity between those with and without ADHD. Primary treatments include stimulant medications (http://www.healthscout.com/ency/article/9816.htm) such as Ritalin, he said.

And 50 percent to 60 percent of children who have ADHD continue to exhibit the condition as adults, Klorman said.

There are some similarities in the behavior problems exhibited by adults and children with ADHD, Klorman said. "And there is a similarity in the effect of drug treatment and in executive brain (http://www.healthscout.com/ency/article/1074.htm) dysfunction," he added.

"The typical pattern for adults with ADHD is trouble staying focused, trouble with time management, and trouble getting organized," said ADHD expert Dr. Edward Hallowell, director of the Hallowell Center in Sudbury, Mass. The most prevalent sign of adult ADHD is unexplained underachievement, he added.

It is a bit of a joke on this site you have a half hour to edit then that is it, so all you write is wasted. Typical of everthing. Rules are made for NT's by NT's for NT's and anyone else has to grovel and even that isn't good enough. Count the bodies. What a difference it made when I was given a bit of extra time to do the course, and of course I am still fighting NT's who pretend they know what it is all about of course they can type it better. I iddnt mean to not protect yourself, I just mean, this is so treatable, it is a joke it is made to be so difficult to be treated. That is what I am saying. With accomodations I went from a 30 to a 60 and the NT's are still fighting with me. Can they say accomodate negotiate, don't dictate, 21 st century concept. The course was tax deductable.

Hi DarkAngel,

First of all I want to say that I'm very sorry you lost your best friend. It must be very difficult for you.

I think you're husband is being very unfair to you. I suspect that I have ADD and I know what it's like to feel that you can't do things "everyone else" can, that you're an underachiever, but still...

And to seek out another woman, that's just crappy behaviour from anyone!

Is there no things he is better at than you? Something he can help you with?

I know it's not easy for him. There are a few times I've told my parents; "I'm not disabled! Why can't you trust me?" Of course no one wants to be seen as a total misfit. Maybe that's how he thinks that you look at him.

He says that seeing you reminds him of all the things you do for him that he should be able to do for himself. I understand this is no fun feeling, I really do, but it's not you who make these things difficult for him, he'd still have problems even if he'd never met you. Maybe you need to change the way you help him; maybe make it more like help him to help himself, but he needs to talk to you about this, tell you how he would like it to be.

Does he get some outside support in some way? Does he know any other persons with ADD that can help him and he can help them? Does he know of this or any other forum?

I hope things work out for you.

Take care of yourself!

You mentioned you recently received the ADD dx. I was wondering if the timing of that was around the time things begin to go badly with your husband. My husband was dx with diabetes a year ago and the downward turn in his attitude and how he treated us was pretty dramatic. It's normal to grieve having dx made official. (Although for some of us the dx was a great relief). It may have validated for him how much he really does depend on you to pick up his slack. None of that however excuses him breaking his word to you or using another woman to make him feel good about himself. An ADD dx can give you validation of your experience, a direction to begin working on the problem, but NOT an excuse to act in a hurtful manner. Generally counseling and medication work best together, because there are a lot of learned behaviors, especially when there are relationship problems that need addressing. I hope you know that you deserve respect and support, and for your husband to commit to you only. I hope you'll look into a counselor, regardless of what he does to help you through this.

Take gentle care!
Scattered

I think though if you focus on the positive and strength first you can work out the negative by transformation, that is what appears to be the model for students with LD and progressive businesses who are trying to salvage the relationships in the firm. I think the key here is do you think this relationship is worth it, is he going to try, I mean if you are the only one giving then it is not much of a relationship, if he is trying and you accept the second relationship then it is worth it, if you dont want to accept it then you shouldn't. You should really figure out what you want, maybe even write it down and hide it somewhere and see if you still feel that way in a few days. I mean the diabetic thing in the above post is good point too, there are lots of good points, but to simplify it you probably want to figure out what you want, what direction you want to go in, see if he wants to go in the same direction, if he doesnt want to go in the same direction, it probably isn't going to work, but if he does, then you need a plan, and planning new responses could be part of it if you can talk to each other without blowing up, if you can't then it is probably not worth it. You want to simplify it. Not be overwhelmed by all the ifs and the dx, but look at your goal and figure out what you want to make better, and see if he wants the same thing, if he doesnt why bother? Co operation is everything. Being able to function in a wider space is one thing, but to give up on functioning is a different thing, that is usually what the black and white extremes give as options, be just like the normal people or give up, sometimes with accomodations a person can go beyond normal. But living hurt and scared should not be an option.

I will make this short and as simple as possible for an ADDer. I am a husband with ADD. My theory is that most problems go along with what I call Attachment Disorders as well. Which came first, chicken or the egg who is to say, but many ADD people have these symptoms.

Bottom line: Many of us have a personality problem (ADD or otherwise) and I have a problem as well. I also have kids etc... and I choose to look to make things better (now). Once upon a time I was defensive, short tempered etc...and refused to seek help.

Basically the sooner you dish him some tough love the better, otherwise you do him and yourself a diservice. My wife laid out an ultimatum, as loving as possible.

Get help! Stop making excuses!

Therapy is a must regardless of medication. There is no magic pill. The cure is conftonting some hard issues of revolving around low self esteem.

The extra marital stuff is tough to go through but it needs to stop and you aree correct in that thinking. But I can't begin to speak to that issue.

I have tried meds (off them now and may go back that another day), and I continuing therapy. Therapy, reading, education (for him not you) is a must. My raised awarness of my personality problems helps throghout the day and although I slip up almost every day too it is still an improvrment.

I think though if you focus on the positive and strength first you can work out the negative by transformation, that is what appears to be the model for students with LD and progressive businesses who are trying to salvage the relationships in the firm. I think the key here is do you think this relationship is worth it, is he going to try, I mean if you are the only one giving then it is not much of a relationship, if he is trying and you accept the second relationship then it is worth it, if you dont want to accept it then you shouldn't. You should really figure out what you want, maybe even write it down and hide it somewhere and see if you still feel that way in a few days. I mean the diabetic thing in the above post is good point too, there are lots of good points, but to simplify it you probably want to figure out what you want, what direction you want to go in, see if he wants to go in the same direction, if he doesnt want to go in the same direction, it probably isn't going to work, but if he does, then you need a plan, and planning new responses could be part of it if you can talk to each other without blowing up, if you can't then it is probably not worth it. You want to simplify it. Not be overwhelmed by all the ifs and the dx, but look at your goal and figure out what you want to make better, and see if he wants the same thing, if he doesnt why bother? Co operation is everything. Being able to function in a wider space is one thing, but to give up on functioning is a different thing, that is usually what the black and white extremes give as options, be just like the normal people or give up, sometimes with accomodations a person can go beyond normal. But living hurt and scared should not be an option.
Very good post!

Again Thankyou all .... as to going in the same direction.... I don't know which direction I'm going, it feels like 100 all at the same time. I want him to help with things I just can't expect him to yet... I want to work on our relationship, I love him, of course I want us to work on "finding the spark" again ... I want my friend back .... the thing is, when I ask him what he wants he tells me it's not about want... he wants to be a millionare, I just don't know how to take that. And I feel under educated in expressing what I need. Feelings shouldn't rule your decisions (another of his favorite sayings) but this is a terribly emotional thing. How can I exclude my feelings? His goal is to not have any expectations ... is there a such thing as a relationship with out expectations? He hates responsibilities .... is there a relationship without responsibilites? and if there is does it fit a family dynamic? Will meds and counciling help with these issues? He tells me he's sick of pretending to be someone he's not, he's sick of trying to fit in the mold socioty has cast him in. Is this because he can't fit that mold or because he's afraid to fail in it?

I should make clear that I feel he discounts my needs because he says that they are emotionally driven. If I just didn't "feel" and I looked at it logically i'd see ,that what I say I need, is irrelevant.

DarkAngel,
You and your needs are not irrelevant no matter how logically or otherwise you look at it.
You cannot argue with someone's feelings, they just are.

Did you read MEH's post? He is the ADDer in his family he's telling you from a man/husband's perspective what worked in his case.

Please accept my heartfelt hugs!

We care
I'm wondering what have you done to get help since your original post?
You cannot change your husband you can only change how you are letting him treat you.

How is your daughter, is she getting counseling? This may very well be the most difficult time in her life.
It's a very helpless feeling to see your parent's, your stability in life not act stabile.
I hope you are keeping her needs a priority in your life as well. Yes there is time for you--in fact if you don't take care of yourself first there won't be anything left over for you to GIVE your family.

I know marriage is a priority but not at the cost of your feelings.
If your daughter finds herself in this exact same situation what advice would you give her? Don't accept anything less, ok I'm begging you.

No one wants to pretend to be anything or fit in anyone's mold, but if your husband is tired of life as it is now, why not seek pDoc's help?

I hope I'm not coming across in a snippy way, trying to write this quickly.

Best of luck to you!

I should make clear that I feel he discounts my needs because he says that they are emotionally driven. If I just didn't "feel" and I looked at it logically i'd see ,that what I say I need, is irrelevant.
Oh that's cute. Everyone's needs are emotionally driven. His too. He's doing a job on your head to make it seem like his needs are more legitimate than yours. They're not.

Having read carefully your description of his behavior, I would have to say he is one very angry guy. He's paying you back big time for something. What do you want to bet that he's paying you back for daring to love him?

This sort of insecurity cries out for serious and probably long term therapy.

The only intense feelings in our relationship come from fighting these days. He tells me that it's because I remind him (just seeing me) of all the things that I do for him that he should be able to do for himself. I think the most hurtful thing is that he has actively sought out another female companion to share that part of his life. He turns to her for comfort and intimacy. He tells me he loves me, that he just needs to get past his feeling of failure,and his anger, but how is that going to work if he's seeking solace from someone else. We have a 16 year old daughter and his montra lately is that things can begin to change in 2 years when she is on her own. I can't just walk out on him. I love him too much to leave him especially now that we do have a diagnosis.
Dark Angel,
I am really sorry you are going through this, and if I were you, I would not be putting all this behavior down to ADHD.
You deserve to be treated far more decently than you are. I am not so sure he is angry with you, I tend more towards manipulative. Regardless of what the reasons are, his behavior is disgustingly abusive in the emotional sense.

I was going to post that you stop doing everything for him, and then I saw that Coral had said the same. Stop enabling his "I'm helpless" act. Do you enjoy being his mother? Because that is what you are.

Just think of this....just a few minutes. If he is so incapable of emotional feelings towards you, then why the new woman? I suppose she is not a Mommy figure, is she? But what does this tell you about your husband?

Is this behavior the act of someone who is "in" love with you?

Dark Angel, you love this man, but is he worth your love? If I were you, no way would I stay with such a faithless, disloyal creature.

You have had many posts here that have brilliant advice; I guess I take the line of tough love, and sometimes that means telling it how it looks, and to me, your husband is a "don't walk but run" signal.

I have ADHD, but no way would I inflict this on my husband.

I wish you all the best, and Charlies advice was very well put. Take care of you and your daughter.

Thankyou all for your concern, I'm seeing a family therepist that specializes in families with ADD... my daughter is going in to see her primary care physician next week and I know that she will have a referal for us at least for counciling. My husband has consented (big of him huh?) to see the same person I'm seeing. He hadn't seen his "friend" for a month, but last week he went out and things are back to me being non existant. My daughter is Daddy's princess... she knows that things aren't right but she dosen't want to be seperated from him, and she knows who makes things happen so she dosen't want me gone either. As to what's less tramatic for her I'm going to have to wait and see what the people we're sent to say. Thanks again for your thoughts and concerns, I do know that my needs are important, I'm just frustrated with living with the selfish attitude. I was begining to think I was asking way too much.. I just needed a reality check... thanks..

DarkAngel, can I ask you something?

What kind of responsibility doesn't your husband like? Is it things like working, paying bills, household duties etc, or is it having a responsibility towards other people;to have people depend on him emotionaly? Do you understand what I'm getting at?

I agree that this sounds like something else than ADHD. He does seem manipulative.

Clear confusion, the answer is sadly both .... he's always had a job of some kind recently he's had some very good ones, but he dosen't like it his fondest dream is to win the lottery, I know all of us want that but I think he sees it as an end to many of the responsibilites that he has. The more money he can throw at it the more he could make it someones elses responsibility. As for peoples emotions he'll be the first one to say that he can't "make" anyone feel anything, it's up to the person feeling it to take that ownership. Hope that answered your question.