I think my ADD makes it very hard for me to make friends. Anyone have that same problem?

I dont have very much of a social life anymore because I dont have very many good friends. I work a lot (about 60 - 75 hrs per week) so I can easily blame my lack of social life/romanitic life on my working too much. But even if I had all the time in the world, I would probably struggle with this.

I am somewhat a timid person and somewhat introverted, but I dont think that is largely my problem. When I meet someone, first... I cant remember their name. And then sometimes I have a hard time following the conversation because my mind wonders off. (I always look at them so they think I am paying attention, but my mind has left the building!) Most of the time I dont add much to a conversation because I cant follow the conversation very well and mostly just keep my darn mouth shut and try to listen as best I can. If I do try to add something, I sometimes get totally off topic, say something weird and then they look at me strange and I feel I have made a fool of myself -- yet again.

It is the getting to know people and getting them to know me that is the hard part. Like if I have a class with someone and have to see that person everyday, I can make friends better because I have more than one or two or three shots for the person to get to know me. Once they get to know me, things are fine because I am a rather fun (although unique) person.

Anybody else have problems making friends or suggestions on how I can deal with this problem?

I do not take any meds for ADD, because I am not exactly thrilled about drugs (scared of them I suppose). I dont take drugs so I mostly try to find other ways around my problems. But I have never been able to find an alternative solution to my crappy social life. Has anyone had any significant success with drugs affecting their social life, or ability to make friends?

G.

Yes, I do! I find it comes with the difficulty with being able to "read" people. I find it hard to get to know people because I will assume they dont want to be friends, usually becuase I misunderstood their signals. Medication is helping me see things clearly. Im sorry meds are hard for you. ADD drugs are not "taking drugs" would you get glasses if your vision was blurry? would you take insulin if you were diabetic? You might try being open to treatment, you'd be surprised how it can change your outlook.

Let's start with some easy questions

1.) Hobbies?

2.) Interests?

3.) Likes?

4.) Dislikes?

I have a difficult time making friends... as "outgoing" as I am, I feel it is often fake and forced..

I'm interested in other people, but am very self-centered and mostly just want to talk about myself and my own issues when I get to the heart of things. It's hard to admit that, but it's the cold truth. I TRULY TRY to show interest in other people but I do have a hard time, and I Feel like they probably pick up on that.

I am also judgemental of people... in my head, not to their faces, but it hinders my friend-making abilities.

I also have trouble keeping in connection with people.... When I was in school, having friends seemed much easier because we saw each other every day. Now that I'm an adult very busy taking care of my kids, it's harder.

I want to change these things, but for now it's the way things are...

I think my ADD makes it very hard for me to make friends. Anyone have that same problem?

I am somewhat a timid person and somewhat introverted, but I dont think that is largely my problem. When I meet someone, first... I cant remember their name. And then sometimes I have a hard time following the conversation because my mind wonders off. (I always look at them so they think I am paying attention, but my mind has left the building!) Most of the time I dont add much to a conversation because I cant follow the conversation very well and mostly just keep my darn mouth shut and try to listen as best I can. If I do try to add something, I sometimes get totally off topic, say something weird and then they look at me strange and I feel I have made a fool of myself -- yet again.

It is the getting to know people and getting them to know me that is the hard part. Like if I have a class with someone and have to see that person everyday, I can make friends better because I have more than one or two or three shots for the person to get to know me. Once they get to know me, things are fine because I am a rather fun (although unique) person.
I am exactly the same way. I did find some help with it after seeing a social anxiety counselor for 3 or 4 months. It didn't change the way I thought but actually made me realize why I was thinking what I was, and gave me some skills to counter act it.

Knowing how to deal with it was only half the battle for me though. My social skills did become some what better (not any where close to my expectations) but I still felt, thought, and acted the same. I was originally against taking drugs as well, but I'm just fed up with feeling like this. I have reached a point in my life where I don't want to think ADD anymore.

I did alot of research on the different kinds of drugs, as well as reading all these great people's stories on this forum, and I adventually became more comfortable with the idea of drug therapy.

So, I just started taking Ritalin, and Paxil may be in my future. I have only taken 2 - 5mg pills a day for 4 days. I do not feel any different yet (think dosage is way to low), but I hope too soon.

WOW ummm this may take me awhile. I'm more judgemental and critical of myself and prefer my friends talk about themselves so I can focus on all their misery instead of mine. Don't worry someone will come along with some very good advice it's the one great thing about having so many members your never alone.

oboy, guess i dont have any advice Carolina, but im in kind of the same boat as you (as quite a few of us).
im more afraid that someone will find out & point out to me that im a phony,
just cuz i feel like one.
usually my mind wanders even while im staring them in the eye & i insert a few "wows" & "no stuff?s" & such.
i really dont have much of a life so im limited to co-workers, hosp. staff, paitent family members, & whoever accidently bumps into me.
of the group, co-workers & staff i really dont want to hang out with cuz im afraid ill get bored with them. or theyll get bored with me.
there are a few pople id like to get close with, so i let them talk--mostly about themselves. these are the few that i dont always zone out on ( 1 or 2).
usually i can smile & put on a good show, & inside hope im not spotted for the act im putting on.
yup, oboy.

I've never made friends on my own. In childhood and adulthood, people have always come my direction; I've never been able to reach out to others first. It doesn't help that I'm shy. Nucking Futs' questions are good points to ponder  finding people who enjoy the same things as you will help you make friends. Check your community college for classes on things you enjoy; they often know of clubs that you can join to meet people on a regular basis. If you have time for a gym membership, same thing applies with classes or teams that meet/play regularly. Socializing is tough and sometimes burdensome. As I've gotten older I've found that it's more important to have one life-long friend than many friends who come and go. Good luck!

Quote:
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=alt2 style="BORDER-RIGHT: 1px inset; BORDER-TOP: 1px inset; BORDER-LEFT: 1px inset; BORDER-BOTTOM: 1px inset">Originally Posted by Carolina
When I meet someone, first... I cant remember their name. And then sometimes I have a hard time following the conversation because my mind wonders off. (I always look at them so they think I am paying attention, but my mind has left the building!) Most of the time I dont add much to a conversation because I cant follow the conversation very well and mostly just keep my darn mouth shut and try to listen as best I can.

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I just very politly explain to them that I have an appaling memory and bad concentration. I make up for this my showing extra interest in them and being very apologetic. If that isn't enough for them well so be it. There are plenty of lovely, understanding people out there. If they don't have to time for me then I don't have the time for them.

I still want to scream out of frustraion though when I do all the above and people just still think I have no interest in them (they can't take my word for it). What is even worse is when they totally misread the situation and start to think I am trying to get one over them i.e. they think I am trying to twist the knife when I insist I am trying to listen but I appear to listen less because I am getting more and more anxious. I know when it gets to this point I just have to accept it and walk away. If I try and explain more they think I am just having a further dig at them.

Quote:
<TABLE cellSpacing=0 cellPadding=6 width="100%" border=0><TBODY><TR><TD class=alt2 style="BORDER-RIGHT: 1px inset; BORDER-TOP: 1px inset; BORDER-LEFT: 1px inset; BORDER-BOTTOM: 1px inset">Originally Posted by Carolina
If I do try to add something, I sometimes get totally off topic, say something weird and then they look at me strange and I feel I have made a fool of myself -- yet again.

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After all that is my personality and if they don't like it they can lump it. People don't feel as if they should morph to my personality so I don't feel as if I should morph to theirs.

Overall, since I have just been myself (rather than trying to be one of them) I have found the friends I have made I have had much better/closer relationships with, life has become a lot more simpler and I am a lot more happier :@)

All the best Carolina

Seems like there are a lot of us, Carolina!
Meds have helped me a lot in social situations! I am able to focus so much better, and because of that names are easier to remember and topics of conversation are easier to follow.
I was scared of taking meds at first. But, nothing I had done prior to meds had helped me. I still hate it that i am on meds, but how much they help me overweighs that thought.
My problem is finding groups I want to belong to, so I can meet people with similar interests. And then, getting over being afraid of going to the group(s)!

You might want to talk to your Dr. about meds, get more information on them.

I've had problems making friends all of my life! I usually took the easy way out, and ended up friends with those who were much more outgoing than myself, and pursued a friendship with ME. I realized during this past year, after doing some thinking, that sometimes this is a really bad idea, because often times those people turned out to be needy posessive types of friends. I've had to kick some "friends" out of my life recently because I just couldn't take them anymore. What happened then was that all of a sudden I had this void in my life that I needed to fill. There are just things that your "work friends", husband, or Mom can't do for you.

So I decided that it was time to stop waiting for things to happen to me, and did something about it. I joined a few special interest groups in my community first, because what better way to meet someone that has something in common with you! Usually, I have to take a pen and paper so I can write down each person's name and a brief description of them. That way, the next time I meet them, I won't seem as much like a flake because I forgot their name, or seem like I don't care about them. I won't lie, and say that now I'm rolling in friends, but I did make a couple. I told them about my faults, and sofar they seem to be pretty tolerant.

I also have that problem of my mind wandering during a conversation, even though I DO take meds. The only thing I've noticed that helps, is to train myself to atleast listen to as much of the conversation as possible and try to be in situations where there is not a lot of outside stimulus going on. I know this is easier said than done, but it's worth a try. Have you ever thought of trying a Listening Skills Class? I know there is such a thing. Who knows, maybe you'd meet someone there.

I don't have a problem with meeting people.It's just hard to make friends or become close friends because I have trouble with keeping in touch with them. I rarely hang around people on a regular basis.
I have friends I wouldn't see for 1-5 years.
It is hard to have good friends if I can't see them on a regular basis.

i have no problem making superficial friends, but i have a hard time keeping them. and i have a hard time making truly good friends. i tend to make friends with kind of selfish people that aren't ever there for me. i only have one real friend, and she lives across the country (best friend from high school). nobody calls me anymore ... i quit talking to all my old friends or they quit talking to me, i'm not sure which. probably both.

I hope nobody thinks I'm not there for them on purpose. I have a hard time keeping in touch and I don't know if it offends anyone.

I love this forum I really do
I'm sitting here nodding with each and every post 'wow I could have written that!'.

copied the following after from a previous forum post:

13 Steps to cultivate friendship:

Research has found that being warm, able to laugh at yourself and listening are the three most vital likeability factors. Others are to be positive, straightforward, non-critical and non-judgmental. Add energy, enthusiasm and a lively interest in other people and the world, and the result is irresistible.
These seemingly abstract attributes break down into behaviours which can be practised and learnt.

1. Look open, interested and cheerful, use lots of eye contact, eyebrows slightly raised, perhaps leaning forward a little. Too much can seem threatening while too little seems cold and uninterested. Try approaching a mirror as if it was another person, to find out how you’re coming across.

2. Being tense is very offputting. Tension clamps your lips shut and dries your mouth, so try consciously parting your lips a fraction, relaxing your jaw and letting your mouth corners lift a bit. The appearance of confidence helps create it. Standing straight (but not rigid) and moving slowly helps as well.

3. Smile, even if you feel awkward. Not smiling in social situations tends to come across as hostility.

4. If you’re self-conscious about your body, your movement is probably constricted as you try to hide the bulges. But not moving and gesturing freely looks uptight. If you’re fat, people will notice it whatever you do, so you may as well let your body express yourself. You will seem much warmer and more confident.

5. Listen to others, yes of course, but listen to yourself as well. Do you sound depressed, apologetic, whiny, irritable? Or warm, relaxed, friendly? Consciously lowering the pitch of your voice, and speaking slowly, help.

6. Don’t hover round the edge of a group. Researchers find that hoverers are the less socially skilled and, since everyone instinctively knows this, hovering is very uncomfortable and downgrades you. Pick two people you want to move between and touch them lightly on the elbow. They will automatically shift sideways. Once your shoulders are in line with everyone else’s, you’ll be accepted as part of the group.

7. Don’t despise small talk. It oils the wheels while you both decide how much better you might like to know each other. To keep it going, ask open-ended questions—and listen to the answers.

8. Being able to laugh at yourself is vital—but it’s not the same as being the life and soul of the party. You don’t have to keep everyone’s spirits up, just your own.

9. Self-disclosure is a crucial ingredient of friendship, research finds. But it must be balanced. Blurting out your whole life makes people back off. But never telling them anything about yourself seems cold, distant, even hostile. It should be a dance. You disclose a bit, they disclose a bit, and so on.

10. Don’t complain or blame, request. The only people who like complainers are the ones who are just waiting for you to finish, so they can get their own moan in! If the complaint can’t be turned into a request, keep it to yourself. (This seemingly simple rule is a very powerful way to get passive aggression, sulking, resentment and other damaging and unattractive characteristics out of your relationships.)

11. Don't criticise, judge or offer unasked-for advice. If you do, you're seen as distancing yourself and setting yourself up as superior. You don’t attract others but put them off.

12. Don’t be too perfectionist. Being wonderful gains admirers, not friends. The rule is, be impressed, not impressive. One woman made a point of not laying the table before her dinner guests came. People became much more relaxed when she wasn’t perfectly ready.

13. Wondering whether people will like you can stop you feeling—and expressing—liking for them. The key is to concentrate on what you think of others and let yourself feel warmth, admiration and interest. Don’t gush, but don’t be embarrassed to compliment them.The bottom line is that being attractive is about being rewarding. It’s about people feeling better, brighter and nicer for having spent time with you. If they feel you find them attractive—they’ll find you attractive: from JaneFirbank.com

I know friendship takes effort and I myself am not willing to give up any time for that. I'm ok in a working or school environment- seem very social.
And I know I'll probably be searching for friendship someday, but the way I feel now, I'll worry about it tomorrow (Mz Scarlett:)).

I had so many friends growing up, we always used to hang out in groups of 20+, I was never dx until recently, I remember a time where I had so many friends, I was going so crazy about what to do, who to do it with, and where I'm going, it was too much.

Once I started illegal drugs, all my friends went their own ways, I made new friends to do drugs with, and once I stopped doing drugs, I gave up those friends, and now the only friends I got is people I smoke weed with.

Personally, from my experiences, Friends bring you down, and make you fall off track in where you want to go in life. I don't care if I have friends, they always need something, feels like an extra job having friends, unless the friend has a **** load of money, then I'll sure be friends with them.

I hate people, the less people around me, the better I feel always.

T-Bass

I felt like that 2 a very long time ago about making friends. Maybe because the first few years of my life i was teach or brainwash that i was a 'bad' person. So why would people like me . But a few years ago i realized that deep down i love to be alone. I am an hermit that sometimes need other people compagny. All my jobs were working with the public, i thought it was my karma for a long time lol and really totaly stressed myself out over it. But i do love working and helping people, but on my private door life, there is a big sign that says ' you come in at your own risk'. I accepted the fact that i do not fit in the 'normal ' world, and i do not stress about it anymore. I am unique and try to adjust MY private life on how i am and not how other think i should be. If i meet someone and feel that i could have a friendship with i do tell them of how i am . It's not how many friends someone have but it's really the quality of the moment you spend with that person.

Have a wonderful day all:cool:
Digitl

this all hits me in the pit of my stomach. for me the question is how do i learn how to trust. i find that i just expose too much of me and then expect to be validated... (and i need to say to myself--get over it because this is the real world.) Nobody really cares and why should they? it's true. but i take the chickens way out---instead of learning from my miss-calculations and social blunders, i run and hide. then i stick out my head again but only for a short time because i do it again.

i am really the one who has no social graces; i am the one with the problem and it is my challenge to figure it out. carolina, you are in good company because we understand.

there is an interesting thread which talks about issues regarding being or tending toward being introverted. i am not sure which one or how to give the link but it was started about a month ago.

I read through this thread and clicked on the "Public Profile" for everyone who posted on it. Most you chose to tell virtually nothing about yourselves.

Think about that.

Social Anxiety Disorder can often be the cause of such feelings. I don't know if it's more common in people with ADHD but I suspect that it probably is. It's fairly common for people with SAD to drink or do drugs in order to quell the fear that otherwise makes it allmost impossible for them to feel comfortable in social situations or in places where there are lots of people.

Digitl - I have always called myself an extroverted recluse. An oxymoron, I know, but that's me! I truly enjoy being by myself, but when I do need to associate with other people, it's my decision. I particularly like meeting and talking with people while shopping, because I know I don't have to hope they'll like me once they get to know me...since they'll never really get to know me. It's like a "safe place" to be as bubbly, outgoing and comical as I wish.

I can realte to all the posts in response to Carolina's.

And Charlie! Thank you for your excellent list!

i know this is going to sound really crappy, but ....

i just don't feel like putting all the EFFORT into being social!!! it just doesn't seem worth it to me.

yes, at work, when i don't fit into groups and i know people are talking about me behind my back, it's weird a little bit, but mostly i just don't CARE.

because it's a STUPID job that i don't want to have more than a couple of years of my life!

when i have my real job, i will make the effort to get close to people, not because i want to use them to get something (like many "social" people do that i know), but because i want to have a good, solid working relationship with them.

you know?

and i know that maybe my social skills will go to crap in the meantime, but really, who cares? i don't particularly LIKE people that are good at getting people to like them. seems a bit manipulative to me. i like people who are real.

but maybe that's just me.

I understand where your coming from clueless I have gotten to where the older I get the more I see people in a light that I sometime dislike, and I understand excepting people for who they are simply because thats just the way they are or they don't know better. BUT they sometimes are just know fun to be around, I can sometimes not be bothered. I was just at a freinds whom is in my opioun is adhd, and in the conversation of the things that we notice about ourselves he metioned the same thing. " I use to be social and like to go out, but lately I'll tell you what, I really don't care nothing about going out." I said I know exactly what you mean. I use to go out and I still do enjoy watching and learning from stangers. But I just don't seem to want to go out like I use to. It's a good thing I can read and get the stimulation of human interaction on this box in front of me now!!!LMAO!!!!!!

I understand you both. But, I find my friends as a form of entertainment all the drama of daytime tv brought to life. I make the effort for selfish reasons but more times then not I get so much more then I put out. I listen to my friends, make them feel welcome in my home, help them when I can and if I have the energy to expell. But, my friends know me inside and out. I have one female friend who for the last two days has come to my house to just sit I know she's waiting for me to open up and get off my chest what is bothering me but I'm not ready yet so she just sits and waits so I know that when I'm ready she's here. I've also experianced the help of friends after a tornado struck town and took all but 3 of our trees, we were lucky we lost trees nothing as irreplaceable as a life or home. But, the mess omg were do we start, we have tree limbs in our garage, broken glass, on my van we just went to bed thankful we were all alive and would think about the mess when it was light enough to see how much was damaged. We woke up to a friend and his wife who didn't get any damage, they just came to check on us and brought his brother and father along to help. Friends will save your life and your sanity if you give them half the chance.

I know this post is far different then what I've been posting lately but maybe just maybe I've seen the light.

I read through this thread and clicked on the "Public Profile" for everyone who posted on it. Most you chose to tell virtually nothing about yourselves.

Think about that.
Had a think and updated, sorry created my personal info. I think maybe the core problem with me is I don't know what to give in relationships. I think that all you really can give is yourself. I try not to be frightened to do it but remember not to be inappropriate.

I looked SD I have just as much info in my profile as you do. lmbo

I read through this thread and clicked on the "Public Profile" for everyone who posted on it. Most you chose to tell virtually nothing about yourselves.

Think about that.
hmm, that got me.
Updated as much as I could before falling asleep (it's 4h30 right now)
So theres more to come :)

Hi all, Well as for friends, real friends I am in the same boat as many of you . I am in my 40's and have many aquantiances, I have lived im the same city for 44 years of my life, so when people see me they think they know me, but do they? NO, not really. I see so many people within a day when I am on the go, but as for friends, they are so hard to make as you become an adult. I know alot of my problem is the way I come across at first outgoing and confident and then I feel like this lost teenager that no one understands.
I have been through therapy throughout my life and every bit of it has helped. I know I still have a long journey ahead of me. I have alot of stuff inside me that I am not willing to admitt to my self or am afraid to say in therapy.
So making friends just seems harder and harder for me to make. Maybe, I will be the little old lady on the street that all children love and want to visit someday. I actually knew a "little old lady " 2 houses from where I lives as a child and I loved to go visit her everyday, friends dont have to be the same age, she taught me so many thing like how to make soap, and how to emborder, she was the little old lady everyone talks about in story books but Olga, was a very strong even though she had many problem in her life she was still there for all the children in the neighboorhood. The one thing she taught me, I cant speak for the other children , was to love life and to live it. So, I can say I had one real friend in my life. She is gone now but not from my heart, I hope to make another friends with another person like her in the second half of my life:D

I think I've mentioned this many times but Adderall for some reason blows my ability to speak outloud properly. I think about what I want to say, it's in my mind, but the sentences end up trailing off midstream.. and I can't continue with them. I never had that problem when I was off it, or don't take it sometimes on the weekends. So to have to mingle and talk with people, my communication seems forced, as well as my spontaneous laughter. It absolutely sucks. But if I don't take it, I will go to the extreme and talk about everything, nonstop, and drink all night long without brakes of any sort. It has no affect, obviously on my ability to keep up chatter via type..
I've been holing myself up more and more because of this crapola, which kills me. But then again, I'm learning to just acclimate myself to going out with people that I can A) either trust to be myself with (without destructive tendencies) without the meds, or B) acclimate myself to going out on the meds, and not be social, just poh-laht.
Blah !!
Nevine

the '13 Steps to cultivate friendship' on this thread is excellent! I managed to work most of them out over my life but if I had seen that list when I was a kid it would have made my life a lot more easier!!!!

What I learned is that one of the main keys to making and maintaining friendships is knowing how to RELATE to others, not having self-confidence. Having self-confidence is really important but oftentimes it is overemphasized.

I was diagnosed with ADD a couple of months ago, and dysthymia a month before that. I've been taking Prozac and Adderall and finding myself much less of an introvert. Not sure which med does what, but I think the Adderall is very significant. A day after bumping up the dose, and on the next day, my s.o. and I had two very long talks and made peace about our upcoming breakup. (Which I think is partly due to my depression and ADD.) Things have been much more comfortable here since then, and she even accused me of being "suave". I never expected to hear that word applied to me in this life. I talk more with people in the supermarket or other places. I almost look forward to a job fair I may attend next week.

I don't think I've had as much trouble making friends as much as keeping them. I have become very self-conscious lately of how much I talk. I think it must be a defense mechansim to keep my mind from wandering. When I try to listen and let someone else have a turn, I just get bored so quickly, or something they say triggers something in me that practically makes me interrupt to get back to "my turn" in the conversation game.

i havent had problems making friends-that is, once i started drugs and alcohol. then i really opened up. (but i know now those werent the friends i needed. now i m learning about real friends.) until then i could count on 3 fingers (maybe 4) of friends that i would have considered friends until i went into the Marines in 72 (the AODA probs started b4 that). i used to not talk. in fact my mom sent me to a shrink (no offense-hey, what do u call 2 psychs discussing a case...shrink rap). anyway, my mom told my exwife yrs later that she sent me there b/c i wouldnt talk. of course that may have had to do w/being molested at 4 (i cant tell if my procrastination is from the ADHD or that but thats a different story-i find myself putting things off hoping they will go away, especially bills, or, when i was sitll married, important subjects like bills, or talking, or...why could i talk to other people bt not my wife? oh well-i am not driving thru some mcdonalds w/an ak47 so i am doing good. i have a good psychologist (see, i didnt say shrink this time), i have a sponsor (i ahve 31 mos c&s, the longest in my life since about 14 i think), and learning what it means to be a friend. i always felt phoney too. not only that, i had alwyas felt separated from my emotions. i couldnt cry when my wife did. God knows i wanted to. now i am weeping in church during worship music. my oldest wnet w/me last yr to a mens retreat, and when we were on way back he said it was nice to know his old man was human after all. i asked what he meant and he said "thats the first time i ever saw u cry in 23 yrs..." i am misting up a bit-pls wait. there. anyway, i am sorry for rambling on. but God has brought me friends now who have cracked thru my shell. sometimes i felt like a repressed ADH'er, and i think the fear i had from the abuse actually helped me (they say God uses all things for our good, that He never wastes bad experiences...i believe that for sure now). i see it as keeping me from acting out on a lot more of my impulses that would have resulted in worse problems later. but it also kept me from acting on ones i needed to (or is that the ADHD procrastination). i am contemplating going back on meds but i dont like the slow down and i still dont concentrate well. however, i have found myself reading a lot more these last 31 mos...does it matter that i have about 20 books started, 1/2 laying on my bed, the other 1/2 under? i have finsihed some. :o) sorry for rambling. i still have problems with freinds tho. it took me almost 2 yrs of separation and divorce to realize that in 24 yrs of marriage, i knew very little about my wife. i never took time to become her friend. what an eye opener. so if i ever get the opportunity for marriage again, i am going to somehow focus on this friendship stuff. i met a very special friend last yr and i thought this was it-not for marriage (tho i would be lying if i didnt wish for it down the road), but have a woman friend w/o the other stuff interfering (we both have sponsors and i had to share everything w/mine to make sure i wasnt heading down a wrong road-i didnt want to rush or anything. just learn about her, learn to be a friend). i even started to take pictures again (of her, other things too-i ahve her as my screen background at work). anyway things were going great but then i had an adhd moment and did some hyperfocus and instead of going slow about some things (i bought some gifts, flowers, and i had done this before, only here and there) i had somehow gather a bunch of gifts thru time, little curios here & there and then she was in the area (she lives in aanother city) seeing her daughter and i stopped by and had all these things in the car, and instead of just parsing them out i just gave her the whole bunch, and it was overkill. it was never the same since and i am afraid i have lost her as a friend, or a close one anyway. it was a learning experience, and i am past the pain. and i realized just how immature i was, and at 50 yrs old that is hard to take. but i am ok and i am growing up. i think i am at aobut my 20's emotionally. i saw dr amen's vidoe on adhd and intimate relationships. while weeping thru it i could only say i wish this was around yrs ago, altho i would have had to watch it back then and maybe i wouldnt have been ready. but thats the past. "today is a gift...thats why they call it the present." i fogot who sed that but somebody quoted it. yes, you are not alone carolina in problems w/relationships. i think potential friends and especially if they become very speical friends ie like marriage, they need to be willing to understand adhd. but we also cant hide behind it as an excuse. i am accoutnable for the things i did. i am not pleading insanity. i ahve to learn how to do things differntly-compensate, thats the word i was looking for. we ahve very many good qualities, but we have some quirks about us, altho i firmly beleive that despite the msichievious part of us, we mean well, and we actually believe in the welfare of others, and if they would only see things the way we do, they really would be a lot better off :o) and that is where i differentiate between adh'ers and PD (personality disorders). it is like we are princes and princesses (the PD'ers think they are kings and queens and dont see themselves locked up in well, something other than frogs, but then when they see one of us getting unlocked all of a sudden they jump on our bandwagon and well, thats a different story-no offense, i have a brother w/fairly significant PD, a schizoaffective bipolar depressed cousin, my late mom [well, now she's really late these days] was a rapid cycling bipolar. so u can see my dr had quite a time w/lots of testing and evals etc w/lots of ruleouts before coming to the adhd conclusion, which i had already figured out after reading "scattered"-talk about lite switch going on-i think it was the main panel!) locked up as frogs waiting for that special someone to give us that magical kiss to unlock the real us. i dotn know. i am rambling here. sorry. as i look at it, adhd, a 1,000 pts of flight! if there is a limit to replies i apologize for it. my dr is working on me, and i am taking a class thru my job on communication skills. soon i will be able to say what i mean in 4 lines or less! hopefully anyway.
ps i finally learned to scroll down to see other replies ie like charlie's and others and so maybe i will do that more often before responding. but i dont get on too often-i am borrowing my former neice-in-law's computer to do this. sorry for more rambling. if i offended anyone pls accept my humblest sympathies.

I felt like that 2 a very long time ago about making friends. Maybe because the first few years of my life i was teach or brainwash that i was a 'bad' person. So why would people like me . But a few years ago i realized that deep down i love to be alone. I am an hermit that sometimes need other people compagny. All my jobs were working with the public, i thought it was my karma for a long time lol and really totaly stressed myself out over it. But i do love working and helping people, but on my private door life, there is a big sign that says ' you come in at your own risk'. I accepted the fact that i do not fit in the 'normal ' world, and i do not stress about it anymore. I am unique and try to adjust MY private life on how i am and not how other think i should be. If i meet someone and feel that i could have a friendship with i do tell them of how i am . It's not how many friends someone have but it's really the quality of the moment you spend with that person.

Have a wonderful day all:cool:
DigitlHey - you da man, Digital.
I adore my solitude, too - possibly because I too, work with the public.
What I enjoy most about it is the relaxingness and lack of need to be accountable for your behaviour.
Self-modification is a huge cost for misfits.
Peace, dudette.

I understand where your coming from clueless I have gotten to where the older I get the more I see people in a light that I sometime dislike, and I understand excepting people for who they are simply because thats just the way they are or they don't know better. BUT they sometimes are just know fun to be around, I can sometimes not be bothered. I was just at a freinds whom is in my opioun is adhd, and in the conversation of the things that we notice about ourselves he metioned the same thing. " I use to be social and like to go out, but lately I'll tell you what, I really don't care nothing about going out."Same here.
Going out used to be great fun, 'til I was about 30.
Then it started to suck and just made me feel socially inadequate and unappealing.
So it kind of lost all importance.
It's funny because I like people, but don't really get enough out of social situations to be drawn towards spending time in them.
The disbenefits outweigh the rewards too heavily.
With the passing of time, I think I've grown this kind of phoney facade - and even *I* couldn't really tell you who I am.

i havent had problems making friends-that is, once i started drugs and alcohol. then i really opened up. (but i know now those werent the friends i needed. now i m learning about real friends.) until then i could count on 3 fingers (maybe 4) of friends that i would have considered friends until i went into the Marines in 72 (the AODA probs started b4 that). i used to not talk. in fact my mom sent me to a shrink (no offense-hey, what do u call 2 psychs discussing a case...shrink rap). anyway, my mom told my exwife yrs later that she sent me there b/c i wouldnt talk. of course that may have had to do w/being molested at 4 (i cant tell if my procrastination is from the ADHD or that but thats a different story-i find myself putting things off hoping they will go away, especially bills, or, when i was sitll married, important subjects like bills, or talking, or...why could i talk to other people bt not my wife? oh well-i am not driving thru some mcdonalds w/an ak47 so i am doing good. i have a good psychologist (see, i didnt say shrink this time), i have a sponsor (i ahve 31 mos c&s, the longest in my life since about 14 i think), and learning what it means to be a friend. i always felt phoney too. not only that, i had alwyas felt separated from my emotions. i couldnt cry when my wife did. God knows i wanted to. now i am weeping in church during worship music. my oldest wnet w/me last yr to a mens retreat, and when we were on way back he said it was nice to know his old man was human after all. i asked what he meant and he said "thats the first time i ever saw u cry in 23 yrs..." i am misting up a bit-pls wait. there. anyway, i am sorry for rambling on. but God has brought me friends now who have cracked thru my shell. sometimes i felt like a repressed ADH'er, and i think the fear i had from the abuse actually helped me (they say God uses all things for our good, that He never wastes bad experiences...i believe that for sure now). i see it as keeping me from acting out on a lot more of my impulses that would have resulted in worse problems later. but it also kept me from acting on ones i needed to (or is that the ADHD procrastination). i am contemplating going back on meds but i dont like the slow down and i still dont concentrate well. however, i have found myself reading a lot more these last 31 mos...does it matter that i have about 20 books started, 1/2 laying on my bed, the other 1/2 under? i have finsihed some. :o) sorry for rambling. i still have problems with freinds tho. it took me almost 2 yrs of separation and divorce to realize that in 24 yrs of marriage, i knew very little about my wife. i never took time to become her friend. what an eye opener. so if i ever get the opportunity for marriage again, i am going to somehow focus on this friendship stuff. i met a very special friend last yr and i thought this was it-not for marriage (tho i would be lying if i didnt wish for it down the road), but have a woman friend w/o the other stuff interfering (we both have sponsors and i had to share everything w/mine to make sure i wasnt heading down a wrong road-i didnt want to rush or anything. just learn about her, learn to be a friend). i even started to take pictures again (of her, other things too-i ahve her as my screen background at work). anyway things were going great but then i had an adhd moment and did some hyperfocus and instead of going slow about some things (i bought some gifts, flowers, and i had done this before, only here and there) i had somehow gather a bunch of gifts thru time, little curios here & there and then she was in the area (she lives in aanother city) seeing her daughter and i stopped by and had all these things in the car, and instead of just parsing them out i just gave her the whole bunch, and it was overkill. it was never the same since and i am afraid i have lost her as a friend, or a close one anyway. it was a learning experience, and i am past the pain. and i realized just how immature i was, and at 50 yrs old that is hard to take. but i am ok and i am growing up. i think i am at aobut my 20's emotionally. i saw dr amen's vidoe on adhd and intimate relationships. while weeping thru it i could only say i wish this was around yrs ago, altho i would have had to watch it back then and maybe i wouldnt have been ready. but thats the past. "today is a gift...thats why they call it the present." i fogot who sed that but somebody quoted it. yes, you are not alone carolina in problems w/relationships. i think potential friends and especially if they become very speical friends ie like marriage, they need to be willing to understand adhd. but we also cant hide behind it as an excuse. i am accoutnable for the things i did. i am not pleading insanity. i ahve to learn how to do things differntly-compensate, thats the word i was looking for. we ahve very many good qualities, but we have some quirks about us, altho i firmly beleive that despite the msichievious part of us, we mean well, and we actually believe in the welfare of others, and if they would only see things the way we do, they really would be a lot better off :o) and that is where i differentiate between adh'ers and PD (personality disorders). it is like we are princes and princesses (the PD'ers think they are kings and queens and dont see themselves locked up in well, something other than frogs, but then when they see one of us getting unlocked all of a sudden they jump on our bandwagon and well, thats a different story-no offense, i have a brother w/fairly significant PD, a schizoaffective bipolar depressed cousin, my late mom [well, now she's really late these days] was a rapid cycling bipolar. so u can see my dr had quite a time w/lots of testing and evals etc w/lots of ruleouts before coming to the adhd conclusion, which i had already figured out after reading "scattered"-talk about lite switch going on-i think it was the main panel!) locked up as frogs waiting for that special someone to give us that magical kiss to unlock the real us. i dotn know. i am rambling here. sorry. as i look at it, adhd, a 1,000 pts of flight! if there is a limit to replies i apologize for it. my dr is working on me, and i am taking a class thru my job on communication skills. soon i will be able to say what i mean in 4 lines or less! hopefully anyway.
ps i finally learned to scroll down to see other replies ie like charlie's and others and so maybe i will do that more often before responding. but i dont get on too often-i am borrowing my former neice-in-law's computer to do this. sorry for more rambling. if i offended anyone pls accept my humblest sympathies.

Interesting and heart felt post...your brought tears to my eyes, after reading it twice I realized more that it's a post of hope and my tears were replaced by smiles. If there is a limit on posts they have forgotten to inform me, I'd much rather you keep them coming then focus on holding back.
Hugs and welcome,
Cherity

I assure you there are no limits. Post away.

see there you have it from the cheese queen herself. *grins and waves*

*waving back* Cheese queen? As in cutting it, eating it, top mouse of R&S forum?


*squeak*

:eek: That just isn't RIGHT!!!!! :rolleyes: