View Full Version : Advice

12-05-12, 05:40 AM
I have just joined this forum and I am pretty desperate. There is too much to say to bring it up to date, but I will try to be brief... Following years of escalating problems in school , My 14yr old son had a provisional diagnosis of ADHD in May. Thing is he is in denial and refuses now even to discuss it. He is getting into constant trouble for impulsiveness (rudeness), inattention and lack of organisation. He is so unhappy because everyone is always on at him. Somedays he is totally exhausted, today he has refused to go to school even though he has a GCSE assessment - he will likely sleep till lunchtime,
School treat each incident in isolation, they have him labelled as a "defiant child", and there only solution seems to be issuing detentions which often end up with him in more trouble. Double periods are a disaster zone, he nearly always gets sent out for "bad behaviour". He has no IEP
I left work a few months ago because the frequent phone calls from school made it impossible to continue. I also thought that me being around at home could be a positive influence.

He has an appt. with our GP tomorrow about something totally unrelated. The GP has the referral letter from the specialist who diagnosed ADHD, and the recommendation for medication. I want to ask the GP to bring it up, how do I do this? and how should I get the right support in place at school,

12-05-12, 09:44 AM
Sorry to hear this but I can relate to what you are going through. My 17 year old daughter has just been diagnosed add. She has been struggling since about the age of 12 but hiding it, not only from her teachers but more importantly from herself.

So she has developed anxiety, emotional outbursts, anger and aggressiveness. The school has more or less said that she hates school and doesnīt want to do anything and she doesnīt have any learning difficulties.

I have always known that school was the source of anxiety but she constantly denied that she had any problems whatsoever. The only thing I could do was to keep trying to talk to her and let her know that there was help available regarding her emotional issues.

The school called me in last year to say that she had told the school counselor that she had fantasies about killing a teacher. Well they certainly woke up then. From time to time she would have huge emotional outbursts at home and cry (she rarely cries). She said that nobody understood her or could help her and she wanted to die.

We talked about going to a psychologist but she didnīt want to. She kept saying that everyone wanted to change her and she had the right to be who she was.

I tried to explain that yes she could be angry but that her anger was preventing her from achieving what she wanted to in life. I could see clearly that she was using her anger as a defense but until she acknowledged this I could only offer her my support and love.
It was like walking on eggshells at home with her constant outbursts.
One day she nearly hurt her younger brother badly because she lost her temper. This really frightened her and she broke down. I persuaded her to see a physchologist. She improved a lot with regards to anxiety and anger but not school grades.

She went to see him on and off, saying at times she only went to see him so that she could stop treating me so badly but that he wasnīt helping at all.

We continued to talk at home about stuff. She was on twitter a lot and met a lot of people with anger problems, she didnīt feel so alone as there are thousands of them. We started discussing their problems rather than hers, and talking about other people enabled her to see her own behaviour and issues more clearly. It was a really great thing.

anyway she went to a psychiatrist and was diagnosed adhd and started concerta, she has improved so much at school and is so much happier. She has been able to admit to herself what has been going on and how much she was in denial. She feels like a great weight has been lifted.

She is by no means out of the woods but is going in the right direction.

SO donīt give up hope, keep trying to discuss the matter but using other people as examples, ie the situation may come up on a TV show etc.

What I like to do is talk about teenage issues with my kids based on something on TV or something and we talk about "what would you do in her situation, what would you do if you were the parent, etc so they can view it from all sides.
Until your son admits a problem you canīt force him to seek help but talk to him about stuff not related to school. My daughter felt the people only cared about her in relation to her school performance and not her as a person, a very important point I think.

The psychologist never spoke about school either.

sorry I have to rush out now but pm me if you want.

12-05-12, 10:08 AM
Thanks so much. That helps a lot. He did see a Pyschiatrist earlier this year after he talked about and made an attempt to kill himself. Unfortunately he took a dislike to her (maybe because she went on about school performance) and refused to see her again.

School contact me so much - at least once every day - it does end up that , that is often all I discuss with him and it is certainly damaging my relationship with him. To be honest I really don't mind about the grades, I want him to feel good about himself more than anything. I think he is getting depressed again because of it all.
Maybe I need to push back on school to sort things out at school that happen at school?
Although he is in denial about ADHD, he recognises that certain things help him feel better, like football and running, but right now he can't be bothered with these because he feels so rubbish about himself.

I like the idea of talking about other people. I will try that, Thanks again.
Amazing how getting it off your chest and an understanding response can help.

12-05-12, 12:20 PM
Yes I agree with you, I think it would be helpful given what you have just posted to concentrate on him as a person and not talk about school. There are always opportunities in the UK to catch up on education.

My daughter didnīt want to admit to herself that she is stupid, she didnīt realise it could be adhd she just thought that she was stupid and had no confidence in how she looked or her ability. she is an excellent swimmer but stopped going, she says she is too tired and to be honest I can see that she is. Her whole life seems to revolve around school and studying.

Luckily one of her teachers who takes her for evening class (because she has failed 8 subjects from last year and has to retake them as well as 14 subjects from this year) asked to see me recently and was very concerned at how much she has changed in the 2 years since the taught her last. I explained that I have asked the school for help numerous times. There is a special program but she was refused a place because the majority of her teachers said that she was capable but didnīt want to work. One of the conditions of a place is that the pupil has no behaviour issues and apparently she didnīt "fit" all the criteria. This lovely teacher was appalled at the lack of help and care she has received and in the space of one week has had meetings with all of her teachers, her head of year and the school psychology dept and she has now been offered a placed.
>Better late than never but I am angry at the school for their lack of support.
Itīs important to "click" with a psychiatrist or therapist so it wouldnīt make sense for your son to see someone that he didnīt like or trust. ALthough my daughter often made negative comments about her psychologist, but she did like him.

If I can help in any way please pm me, I wish you luck, you sound like a great mum and I know how it hurts when your child is unhappy.