I think the letter in itself tells the story. I'm still waiting for his reply. It doesn't matter what the world in general thinks of me I only care what 4 people think and what kind of energy they think I'm worth expending. Am I wothy or not is yet to be seen. I don't want replies or sympathy OOO God not that...I just don't want to be alone when my life falls apart.

Dear Doug,

I know this is probably the most chicken **** way to go abou
talking to you; but, I lack the words, stamina and courage to
face you and our problems head on. Lately, when I look in your
eyes I see nothing but contempt, disappointment and dis-
illusionment and what's worse is I know I deserve it.
I haven't been pulling away from you, I've been pulling away
from myself. I've wanted to talk to you for so long but feared
that you would only think me even more crazy and be more
disappointed in me.

I feel like I have to fight for my place in this family all the time.
Any drop of acknowledgement is usually due to something
needing done or your guys' wants. You walk in the house and
look around...maybe you don't realize it but that's what you do.
Did I check the mail, is dinner done.

I don't feel like I'm a valid part of the family. I clean and
everyone messes behind me, when I get mad it seems to go in
one ear and out the other like I don't matter and my opinion
doesn't matter. Am I really that bad of a wife? a mother?
ANd I know that a lot of this is just me...I've been having
nightmares a lot lately and will wake up crying so I sleep on the
couch on what I know will be a bad night and I get kind of tired of fighting the kids for my place. I don't know why their coming back or why they won't let up. I've been spending a lot of time in the forums in the women's abuse section hoping someone has the answer so I can stop them, so I can stop hurting. I'm tired of walking around with a big fake smile and a stupid fake laugh. I feel like there's a timer ticking away inside of me and when it goes off I'm going to implode on myself. I keep hearing phrases and remembering feelings from when I was a kid. I'm trying my hardest Doug, doing my best but my best isn't good enough for me so if my best isn't good enough for me then how can it be for you? It just keeps adding and adding, building and building until the only thought I have running thru my head is WORTHLESS, USELESS it's how I've seen myself for a long time and have done my best to hide it from you, the kids, from the world.

I need your help. Your support and understanding to get thru
this. I want to see Soko about a depression med that will help
with my ADD symptoms and flashbacks and if I can quit smoking
in the process that's really great.
What I need is for you to let me sleep when my mind shuts off
enough to let me. I try but I usually just lay there thinking about
all the things I needed to do and didn't get done and how I'm
such a **** up anymore. I need you to make sure the kids get
their homework done, make sure that the rooms I do get
cleaned stay picked up so when I get home in the mornings all I
have to do is clean them and move to another area. I need to
know your still here with me .

I can't focus on outside things without having my inside life
cleaned up. I need to see the doc and I will if it's ok with you. I
need my house organized and clean and I need help
accomplishing that. So, then I can focus on meeting new
people and taking the big step of getting a new job. Because,
right now I don't feel I have anything to offer anyone let alone
asking them to give me a job. I can't clean my house, can't
take care of my kids, can't take care of my husband, hell I can't
do anything will you give me a job?

I want more than anything to be on the same shift as you and
will do my best the fastest I can but I have to know it's going to
make a difference in the way we are together. I want my best
friend back, I want to look in your eyes and not see
disappointment.

I'm only going to have the courage to say this once so think very
hard before you decide. I want more than anything for you to
be happy, if there is no chance of happiness with me then I'll let
you go without a fight. I will not keep the kids away from you or
gouge you for money. Like I said I'm never ever going to brave
enough or strong enough to just let you go so think very hard
before you decide.

If you choose to stay I know that nothing comes free. Your not
talking so maybe for a little while this will be the only way for us
to be trully honest with each other. I need and want to know
how your feeling and what you need from me, I want more than anything to feel like we're a team. If you stay and we work hard enough to get things organized so the load and burden is even then think how much easier it will be us on the same shift working together, playing together and sleeping together. We used to have something great I haven't lost hope, have you?

I love you
Cherity

It's amazing how we all feel so similar. Good luck Cherity.

Thinking of you, Cherity.........

Ow... :(

Blessings and good karma to you Cherity.

That sounds so very familiar to me... You are in good company Cherity, and maybe that, at least will offer you some optimism. Bravo for your courage, my thoughts are with you.

The day before and yesterday Doug said nothing about the letter and I've gotten no return letter I saw it as a sign he's trying to tell me that he wants out so I missed a lot of other signs. I missed that when I got up the other day the house was still clean and supper cooked, I missed last night that he made me go to bed at 830 pm and he put the baby and kids to sleep. I accomplished 7 full hours of sleep without nightmares or interuptions due to his snoring because I fell asleep before he started snoring. But, this morning when we got up at 330 am I felt I hadn't accomplished anything so I just asked point blank if he had read my letter. He said yes and I asked him if he was still thinking about my offer. He only said "I don't know all the right words what I know is I'm going to work and after work I'm going to come home so my wife can sleep." It's not exactly opening the lines of communication but I'm still a wife and he's still trying.

I told him that I posted the letter here cause right now I'm afraid to be with anyone but I'm more afraid to be alone and he said he figured. I did notice today when I had opened the computer there is now a joint journal on the desktop for us to write in when I looked to see if there were any entries it only said "please go first" he's reaching and I'm reaching back.

I'll probably post more cause I'm still afraid to be alone. I know we're walking a very tight rope right now and could fall at any time.

Thanks for all of you who have posted here and sent pm's. I know I've been really bad about answering them but each one brought a little light and a little hope when I least wanted it if that makes any sense. It's one of the reasons I resent you and adore you if that makes any sense at all either.

Love,
Cherity

Hi Cherity,

Whatever the outcome, the joint journal sounds like a terrific idea. My thoughts are with you.

Coral

[Nucking_Futs]

7 full hours of sleep without nightmares or interuptions ..
WOOO HOOO sleep and no nightmares YES!

I'm still a wife and he's still trying...
"please go first" he's reaching and I'm reaching back.
ohhhh such a soul mate, I'm just feeling so much lovey hugs right now, thanks for sharing the good stuff:0
clean house, cooked dinner, kids to bed oh Cherity he's a KEEPER!!!

I know we're walking a very tight rope right now and could fall at any time.
and you could FLY, it's going to be so much better with the communication
guys just have no idea how important it is to us
I can soo relate when you wrote what he said about going to work, coming home so you could sleep...see that's practical, that's a guy for ya
us gals would've been crying or jumping up and screaming
yin & yang gotta have em both and your kids are so lucky to see you working things out. You're giving them stability Cherity knowledge that no matter how tough it gets the ones we love work it till it works...or sumpthin' like that

It's one of the reasons I resent you and adore you if that makes any sense at all.
Love,
Cherity[/QUOTE]

that's ok sounds like song lyrics;)
you can resent us just don't leave us

j'tador...umm 2 times of French 1... can yer tell I flunked em both?
I remember it sounds like shut-da-door
but it means we love you

{{{ Hugs}}} Cherity

You did good, communicating is communicating, either from a letter or face to face. Sounds like he's listen.......

I woke up today with a severe anxiety attack. At first I thought it was a heart attack and then I quickly remembered my "old friend" and got things under control somewhat. I've lacked the skills today to do anything more then sleep since the attacks leave so lethargic and mentally exhausted Doug laid with me until I fell back asleep (seems I have less trouble when he is near which I should have been able to figure out for myself lol). He's taken care of kids and house today and to get my mind off of things that I can't control he took me out for an early birthday brunch with my parents and sister's family. I'm much calmer today for it thank goodness since I have to train two new girls tonight at work.

I forget sometimes that he isn't big on words they are meaningless to him. He's an action kind of guy. Remind me when I forget to look at the little signs of love not the obvious.

Dear Cherity,

Many Hugs to You. You are in my thoughts..Your letter is so brave and open..so full of love and pain of an ADD heart..I hope it meets with a desirable reply and Love..

Much Love,

Nachi

Cherity, I can relate SOOOO much to what you wrote...the feeling the I am the worst wife, mother, friend in the whole world. That I am drowning in my own depression and every day the battle to "put on the face", hide how bad it is from husband, friends, and especially the kids. The harder I tried, the worse it got.

I have been on an anti-depressant since October and it has really helped. It also helped to hear from my dr. that it isn't that I'm "weak", it's genetically programmed that my body's chemical balance will be disrupted during periods of stress...that I survived 14 years of non-stop, out-of-this-world stress without help is a complete mystery. She also reassured me that it isn't permanent which was a great relief to me. For now, I will take the help I can get...

I am so glad that your husband is standing behind you. Keep talking (writing), get your strenghth back, but do consider that some things are out of your power to fix and that you might need help, as hard as that can be to accept.

My thoughts are with you...you sound so much like me.

Kim

Thank you Nachi and it's so good to see you posting again. I've missed your delightful sense of humor and insight.

Don't worry Kim I am keeping my promise about the appt. I go in later this week. I just get so tired of all the kids appts. and extra curricular activities that I usually cancel mine but it is part of our agreement and I have to stick to it.

If you need a kick just PM me! I'll hassle you 'til you go simply to get me off your back! :D

I know what you mean about appts., though, OMG I hate the very thought of dentists, drs., vets, basketball, games, therapists, etc., etc.!
The days where I can hole up and just be and like slices of heaven!

Hugs,

Kim

Still wishing you the best, Cherity. Sounds like your husband is willing to try to make the effort. I hope you both can work it out.

Just one day at a time Cherity, but I am happy things appear a little better for you. I'm still thinking of you......

Well Kim your in luck the target has grown some with the last birth of my son your not likely to miss. lmbo

Honestly, your all really good to me and I appreciate it.

Silly You! Glad to see you've still got your humor! :D

Kim

I never lose anything I just put them in a safe place the problem lies in not remembering were that safe place is.

I talked to Doug and he asked why I'm not writing in the journal. I told him that I've written in it for 3 days and for 3 days he's written nothing. I'm for once practicing control and not directing the form of conversation between us. I told him that I won't write in it until he does but that it hurts me that I can pour my heart and soul out and he doesn't even have the common curtisy to write me a reply. Yeah I'm mad!!! so what? While I may not like what he has to say since he knows me best it's still some kind of confirmation that he's trying and that my feelings are valid and how the heck am I supposed to know what he needs/wants if he doesn't tell me...I'm not a mind reader.

I think this is a common problem between men and women...getting my husband to really talk is like pulling teeth. It certainly doesn't come naturally to him. I like the idea of the journal and hope that he takes the time to add a few words.

Maybe let him know that he doesn't need to write a lot...just a note, comment, etc. Maybe he's just overwhelmed by the idea of trying to express himself.

Just an idea...hang in there!

Kim

Futs, I understand your frustration. Mrs. Clam sometimes seems like she point-blank refuses to communicate what she wants with me.

However, one small ray of light... the fact that he asked you why you weren't writing in the journal proves that he at least cares enough to read it and notice...

I know what your both saying makes sense but I'm too ****ed off to care right now.

I got a job offer and he's elated so he can go hunting now. WOW!! I get to work and take care of the kids and house while he plays isn't that just wonderful? Let's not even think about the fact that instead of working 4 days a week, I'll be working 5 and don't worry about the $3 an hour paycut and the 3 extra days at the sitters. Nah, let's worry that the big dumb *** gets to go hunting. Well, I have more important things on my agenda and it's not pleasing him anymore.

Cher,
Is the job offer working the same shift as DH?
That is the only reason I would be jumping up and down for joy IF you are both on days instead of the crazy hours you keep now.

But if same schedule...um I'm suppose to remind you of him cuddling till you went to sleep the other day...remember the nice things?

Ouch !

Cher,
Is the job offer working the same shift as DH?
That is the only reason I would be jumping up and down for joy IF you are both on days instead of the crazy hours you keep now.

But if same schedule...um I'm suppose to remind you of him cuddling till you went to sleep the other day...remember the nice things?

Yes, it is the same shift. I think my little *** ripping letter got him to finally shut up and look at the facts though. As nice as it would be for us to work the same shift our kids would be at a babysitters 3 days more then usual sometimes 4 days. It adds up Koda costs us $1 an hour, Lexi $1 and Garrett costs $2 for 10 hours a day times just say 3 days it comes to $120 more a week then what we are paying now not to mention meals. I will be making $3 less an hour and instead of working 4 days a week I'll be working 5-6 days a week for the same paycheck but in the long run less money. I honestly don't think it's worth it I think he needs to be a little more patient, give me a chance to get my **** in order and I don't have any disputes with going to work with him were I will be making more then I'm actually making now.

The whole deer hunting thing was taken out of context, he's been asking me to go with him for years now but I've been too tired. Not exactly my idea of a great hobby since I can't stand to be cold but we've made an agreement for every hour I spend hunting he spends excercising. I worry about his in-activity and weight, he has high blood pressure and lets face it everyone could use a little excercise.

I'm going in on Monday since they changed my appt. to do a full physical and get it over with Yeah!! for me :( . We decided to wait it out, give me a chance on the meds and then look at our situation in again in 30 days. The reason we are waiting 30 days is because my boss has promised to get me on first shift within that time frame we'll see if she keeps her promise. It looks pretty good since she has hired 3 new people for the night shift and I'm the one training them lol scarry isn't it?!!!

Sometimes, I just have to blow my top to get some action on his part.

Ouch maybe clam but he deserved it and he knew it and apologized.

Actually, I was ouching on your behalf, not his. :(

Aww you know me...I have to get good and ****ed to get anything done.