View Full Version : ...and now I can't stop sinking

12-21-12, 11:28 AM
I guess, the happy period is over though it's too early to tell really. I can feel my mood sinking. I'm tired, I'm bored, the negative self talk is back and so are thoughts of suicide. I'm trying hard to ignore the negative emotions and hang on to the good feeling but it's quickly vanishing. Right now, it's difficult to even remember how I felt yesterday. This emotional roller coaster is exhausting.

I'm not entirely convinced yet that I really have bipolar 2 but I guess, there's no doubt that I'm somewhere on the bipolar spectrum. I'm incapable of regulating my emotions. I feel like a sail boat that's just drifting in whichever direction the wind takes it.

Maybe, it's not too late. I need to do something constructive. I'm out of any sort of stimulation. Yesterday, I didn't need it. Today, I'm desperate. I don't want to be depressed again.

12-23-12, 11:44 AM
Phew...False alarm. I'm still feeling good. No euphoric, just all right. :)

I'm petrified of sinking back into depression. I used to think that happiness is overrated but now that I know what it's like to feel better, I don't want to give it up again. Not ever again.

12-24-12, 04:55 AM
Hey Fuzz I think a lot of people go to depression after a mania. One reason to try to keep level.

I am manic right now too. I might just have to come off the antidepressants but I want to wait until after the holidays. I was having constant suicidal thoughts and I was finding it increasingly difficult to deal with them.

I am completely convinced you have bipolar disorder. Many of the things you have said have resonated with me. We all have our own experiences, and I get that you like the mania as an escape from the depression. For me, its the opposite. Except for the recent unwanted thoughts, depression is a break from the mania. Its a constant battle to contain myself. Feeling good can be a dangerous thing. I feel like I am a moment away from screwing up.

01-04-13, 12:02 PM
..and now I'm sinking again. Had a good couple of weeks, where I just felt normal (I think) but now it seems it's back to good old depression again.

01-04-13, 12:26 PM
So when are you going to take action to prevent future cycles? In no way am I trying to be disrespectful, in fact I've been following your threads for quite some time, and I really am rooting for you. But, its very clear that you are in need of some help. Whether it be from a mood stabilizer or something different all together, you need to get out of this pattern.

Please Fuzzy, I care about your well being. Please take care of your cycling moods. You deserve to be healthy. You deserve to be happy.

01-04-13, 12:29 PM
How? How do I prevent future cycles? I mean, apart from meds. I'm going to start taking a mood stabiliser but apart from that is there anything else that can stop or slow down the descent into depression?

One thing I know of that always works for me is to do something productive. If I could do even just a little bit of work, I'd feel better about myself. But I haven't been able to.

01-04-13, 12:40 PM
Im sorry, I didnt know you were going to start taking a mood stabilizer. That is what I was mainly thinking of. Other than that have you figured out what your triggers are?

01-04-13, 12:43 PM
Im sorry, I didnt know you were going to start taking a mood stabilizer. That is what I was mainly thinking of. Other than that have you figured out what your triggers are?

Work stress, family stress and triggers that remind me of the past. More often than not, there doesn't seem to be a trigger at all though. Sometimes I'm just overcome with this weariness and the realisation that none of the things that seemed to glitter recently are gold.

01-04-13, 01:00 PM
Here are a list of triggers that I can think of. These are not just my triggers, but things that I've read from other people who are on the spectrum. Im throwing these out there because some of these things I didnt realize could be triggers. Maybe there are things you arent aware of?

Recreational drug use
Too much internet usage
Not getting enough sleep
Eating poorly
Menstrual cycles
Alergy meds
Getting sick
Fighting with a loved one

Honestly, the list could go on and on. It is so individualized. My main triggers are Alcohol, drug use (it should be a no duh!), caffeine, sex, and too much internet usage.

Now, the hardest thing for me is trying to figure out if these things are causes or effects, because they can be both.

My suggestion is to keep track of your moods in a journal (I cant remember if you are already doing this or not). Write about your day and the things that go on. This can help you figgure out if you might have other triggers you arent aware of.

By the way, when do you start taking the mood stabilizer?

01-04-13, 01:06 PM
I do all of them except for recreational drug use and allergy meds. :eek:

Are these triggers for manic/hypomanic or depressive episodes? Or just mood changes?

I was thinking, I should start sometime next month. I first need to do a series of tests (blood sugar, cholesterol, etc.) before my GP can prescribe me with the mood stabiliser. I've got an important exam kind of thing coming up this month so I'm not keen to start a new med. I always got horrible initial side effects everytime I started a new medication (i.e. anti depressant) and I'm worried they'll mess with my performance. My performance seems to suck always, irrespective of my mood, so I don't want to add physical problems to that right now.

Actually, till a few days ago, I was feeling pretty good. Normal good. I was hoping it would last till the end of this month at all though from experience it never lasts that long.

01-04-13, 01:20 PM
I can only speak for myself, but when I expirience a trigger I usually go manic first, followed by depression.

01-04-13, 02:55 PM
I know one trigger for me for depression is lack of sunlight/natural light. When the winter sets in (and I don't get much winter in the US South either) and the days get shorter, I start sinking. I don't know if yours are related to the seasons/weather, but some people find a light box helpful in the winter months. Though I'm not sure what it's like in the UK winter either. Just wanted to add another trigger to the list saturday gave you.

Some days I like those rainy cloudy days and stay in bed, and others it just makes me sad. :(

01-04-13, 03:20 PM
sad - seasonal affective disorder.

01-04-13, 05:22 PM
sad - seasonal affective disorder.

Mine's not always just seasonal Subtract. And I know a few people who don't qualify for S.A.D that experience the same thing.

01-05-13, 09:46 AM
Drugs are awesome if you bipolar, that's why many are addicts. Mania + High = Superman but when you crash it's free falling with no recovery.