View Full Version : New Year: Nothing has changed

teacher abc
01-02-13, 11:11 PM
It has been a long time since I have been here. I wish I could say that things have changed or progressed in some way. If anything, things seem worse.

My DS is 22--he is not biologically or legally ours but we have taken him in after he grew up in an abusive home.

Over a long period of time, he has been to at least four different doctors. Two have diagnosed him with bipolar II and two with ADHD/depression. The last two are the ones who are insisting he does not have bipolar disorder. The current doctor say he does not show the manic states that are associated with bipolar disorder. In the meantime, the doctor is treating his ADHD with Ritalin (after the pharmacy rejected other meds) and is not treating the depression at all, saying he needs to gain my DS's trust. This has gone on for more than six months.

His mother is bipolar.

Currently, he has gone on a spending spree. A few days ago, he spent loads of money. He is visiting friends upstate and has spent $1600 or more this month. He said he would not spend anything and we agreed that if he started up again, I would transfer money out. After a few quiet days, today, he went on a tear, spending $150 on useless things and entertainment. I told him that I was going to transfer money. He told me not to touch it and threatened my verbally--said "I will show you irresponsibility. Don't touch it." He then spent more. I didn't want him to really become abusive, so I transferred the amount he needs for his rent, so I know that is set aside. But he has $1600 left and he spends that all, he is in big trouble.

In addition, his rent was supposed to be paid yesterday but since he was away, he spoke to the landlady and she said he could pay tomorrow. He was supposed to come back tonight, but said he wasn't going to. He said nothing about the rent. Because of the bus system, unless he worked out some arrangement with friends, he will be stuck there until Saturday. He didn't ask me, "Can you take a check over?" (I would do it; it is only 15 minutes away) or say he is going to text her.

Instead, since I am calling him of the spending, he becomes mad at me and I am public enemy number 1. So now he won't say anything to me.

How much of this is immaturity I don't know. But this speaks of some amount of hypomania to me. $1600 in a month (not including rent)? Really?

There is a release to speak to his doctor so I intend to.

He is in college--he came back to NYC to get more support. More work for me and he is resistant even though that is why he came back. Plus it isn't working anyway: he definitely failed one class--what happens when you don't take the midterm or the final, and don't do the second paper. I expect he will be on probation. He is borrowing money to prove he can do this when, sadly, I don't think he can. But he wants to chase a dream to become a person who writes video game stories, a rough business for anyone, especially for a kid who has trouble speaking to people.

I truly think he has Bipolar II but the doctor doesn't agree. But the care is not what he should be getting. People have told me he needs someone who knows about PTSD, which several people thinks he has based on his behavior and years of abuse. But those doctors don't take Medicaid...

01-02-13, 11:25 PM
Um... Teacher...

You are obviously a wonderful soul. :(

When I see parents on here posting about kids that are biologically theirs, or whom they've adopted, and they relate stories like yours, my first thought is, "Hello, Mom or Dad... You're not doing him/her any favors anymore. Immaturity, ADHD, mental illness... I just don't care what it is. It's time for him or her to be responsible." :mad:

I look at your post, where you donated your life to this kid for no reason other than that it was the right thing to do, and that's no longer my first thought. My first thought is, "WOW. You are a saint." :eek:

But my second thought is: see above. :mad:

I was a kid who benefited from the benevolence of someone like you. I didn't abuse it. Don't let him abuse it. :(

He won't write you out of his life, and he needs to learn to deal with his own *****. If that means that he's homeless for a while, so be it. If he camps out on a drug dealer's couch, so be it. If he sells his body for rent, so be it. I know you fear the worst and maybe the worst will come to pass, but in all likelihood it won't and if it does, it won't last long. :(

Just my two cents. Your mileage may vary.

Again, though, wow. You are a good person. Nothing that you do now will take that away. :(

P.S. I also have PTSD. That would have been no excuse for abusing the good people who took care of me.

teacher abc
01-02-13, 11:34 PM
And believe me, as hard as it is for me not to just go and write the check (i do anyway and get the money from the account, as I have already) and take it to her, I am not going to do it. If he wants to ask me like a civilized person, fine. I am guessing she won't evict him now. However, if he starts screwing around with the rent and getting it paid, he may ultimately need to begin looking for a new place sooner rather than later. And let me tell you, as expensive as he thinks it is (he has been spending time with friends upstate who pay less and get more), he would be in for a bis sticker shock and he seems to forget what happened when we looked at places before.

My big concern is his psychiatric care and my frustration is exactly that--we can't get a good diagnosis and I don't know what to do.

01-02-13, 11:42 PM
He's 22, Teacher.

Let him sort it out.

You can't take care of him forever and you have to take care of yourself. There will come a day (and it won't be that far off, unfortunately), where you'll need him to help take care of you, and that ain't happening if he still thinks that you'll be paying his rent on time.

01-03-13, 02:49 AM
I'm only one year older than him and $1600 is a huge amount of money to waste in one month.
I mean, if I had that much I would keep it in my bank account until I NEEDED it.

Definitely sounds like he might be Bipolar, especially if his mom has it.

It could be time to let him out of your nest and let him fend for himself. To show him how it's like being an adult.
That means not giving him any money, if you are.

01-03-13, 05:16 AM
2 doctors said he was bipolar? ?? And 2 ddidnt? ?? And the current doctor says he wants to gain his trust by prescribing ritalin and doesnt know enough about bipolar? ? Do I have that right? If I do then find another doctor. Those ideas are so unprofessional and unhelpful my head is spinning. Spending rent and school aside ....his mental health comes first. Is he on any other medication?

teacher abc
01-03-13, 07:24 AM
He is not on any other meds. It is not so easy to find another doctor. Frankly, if I tell him he needs to see yet another doctor, I don't know if he will go. The only way he might is if I told him he didn't also have to go to therapy. The clinic he goes to makes him go to therapy though he hates it--the therapist has a tough love approach and he doesn't like it. I don't know how I feel because I am not seeing any improvement. The clinic has a good rep in the city and there are few options since he is on Medicaid--it sucks. And unlike the doctor upstate--the doctor sounds reasoned and nice and he is willing to talk to me. But I just don't know. Stuck between a rock and a hard place due to insurance. I don't know that he doesn't know about bipolar; he just has different opinions...

01-03-13, 08:32 AM
I don't have any advice. Just wanted to say that you sound like an amazing person. He is lucky to have you. I'm sure some day he will appreciate it. Well, I hope.

I agree with Sarah. I've never heard of any doctor somehow trying to gain a patient's trust before starting medication. it's more likely that the patient will start trusting the doctor if his treatment helps him.

teacher abc
01-04-13, 12:52 AM
So, he finally comes back to the city. He comes to get the rent check. He says absolutely nothing, not even hello. After using the restroom. I point out his Christmas presents on the table (he was away since before the holiday). He ignores them and walks out. I ask him what's wrong. He responds, "You," and keeps walking... :(

01-04-13, 01:16 AM
Yeah, Teacher, honey, NOT ok.

There is nothing wrong with you other than that you have an outsized heart.

And if there are facts that we don't know... I dunno... What? You make him darn your socks when he's home???

So ******* what.

This kid is feeling entitled. He isn't. When he's paid his own rent for a while he'll get it. Or he won't. But you're a doormat right now, and him being able to treat you this way isn't furthering his development as a person. He's not "growing" as he abuses your love.

Take a lesson from the tough love therapist for a while. The kid will live.

01-04-13, 01:20 AM
My sister-in-law went completely, certifiably, schizophrenically insane for a while. She walked away from her two kids and husband, believing that there were cameras in the house and that people were talking to her through the radio, etc.... We housed her for six weeks after she showed up in our local bus station. It was a *******' nightmare, to be honest. But she was NEVER abusive. She went catatonic now and then, and I worried a lot about her venturing out into sub-zero weather in her bare feet, but she never said or did anything unkind to anyone.

If she had, I'd have tossed her *** out in a heartbeat...

01-04-13, 02:15 AM
His behavior towards you is totally unacceptable. Be careful.

01-04-13, 03:38 AM
Aw that's really too bad :( Sounds like you are at the end of your rope. I know you came here with the thought that a better diagnosis/treatment is the answer and while that may help, Sandy is really onto something that really no one ever wants to hear.

To borrow from some very old and tired cliches, it would be wise for you to cut the apron strings, for you and for him. He will never learn to handle himself if you are always removing the consequences of his behaviour. And he needs to learn you don't bite the hand that feeds you. Wishing you all the best, the year has only begun and you have more control over this situation than you may think this could be your best year yet!

teacher abc
01-04-13, 07:27 AM
Cut the apron strings? It isn't like he lives with me, so I can't toss him out. The only thing I can do is to not talk to him--ignore him. Hard to do--because you're right, I tend to want to help. But, hey, he doesn't want it. Telling him I never want to see him again would be a little drastic. As one of my friends told me, he is probably angry at himself and is deflecting it on me, creating a diversion. He is also probably acting out his anger at mom onto me (my husband's contribution) since I am the parental figure putting limits on him. I guess I will ignore him and see what happens...wish me luck.

teacher abc
01-04-13, 07:33 AM
As for the diagnosis/treatment, yes, I do have hope...or perhaps the opposite. If he doesn't get the right diagnosis or treatment, how will he ever recover sufficiently to act any differently. He is depressed and the doctor is ignoring it, thinking he needs to gain his trust. Nothing in his life is changing (for the better). On a saner day, when he was not taking things out on me, he said to me: "I have no future. Nothing good is ever going to happen to me. I wish the world would just end." This was just before the Mayan calendar thing...This kid is seriously depressed. Even I know--because I feel it myself, sadness and anger are two sides of the same coin. I know I never just feel one way. If I am angry, it will alternate with sadness. If I am sad, it will alternate with anger. I just have the maturity and lack of mental health issues to (mostly) not take it out on others (and even I occasionally will a little).

01-04-13, 07:49 AM
You don't have to tell him that you never want to talk to him again.

You could tell him though that you won't accept him treating you without respect and that when he feels he can treat you with the respect and affection you deserve you would be very happy to talk to him.

You could also tell him that you won't supply him with money anymore since he needs to learn to stand on his own two feet but let him know that if he has any problems your door is always open (if he can tell you about his problems respectfully) and you will try to help him in a way that you see is fit.

teacher abc
01-04-13, 08:00 AM
I don't think we could tell him we would not help him financially...we would never tell our daughter that either. There is no way that he will be able to exist without help; the cost of living here is just absurd. But what I will do is tell him that if he spends money like he does, we are not making up the short fall and if he cannot treat me with respect, he will also find life to be much harder (I am certainly not going to help him if he is going to act this way to me).

01-04-13, 08:35 AM
You cant expect anything to change if you still help financially.

01-04-13, 10:58 AM
I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to let you know you're an amazing person with a big heart. Thank you for all you have done for him, even if he doesn't realize how much you've done right now. Hang in there.

01-04-13, 11:22 AM
He doesn't have to live in NYC, Teacher.

And lots of people are living in NYC that don't have money. They're not living well. They're piling into bedrooms with multiple roommates, and dealing with cockroaches, and hanging out at the library to keep warm during the day, some of them. But they are absolutely living in NYC.

Heck, I didn't live in NYC, but I did live in San Francisco and Philadelphia when I didn't have a pot to **** in, and no parental support, and I've been on my own financially since I was 17. You really, really need to see that your financial support is a piece of why he's doing this, AND it's a piece of why he's miserable... :(

I've represented a ton of angry young people like you're describing in your son, and they are all crippled by the worst automatic negative thought (ANT) of all, which is that everything is someone else's fault. That belief system breeds the greatest, most intractable depression, because it makes you think that there's nothing that you can do that will make a difference.

Take away his support, and you FORCE him to fend for himself. Then he'll see that he can be autonomous and have an effect on his own life. It's the first step toward him feeling better.

Just sayin'.

01-04-13, 11:52 AM
Just wanted to suggest you read this thread. It's titled Detaching With Love.

Also, if your son does have Bipolar, which by the way is very likely if his bio-mother has it, then the Ritalin could be doing more harm than good. Stimulants can agravate mood instability. Just an FYI.

Best wishes!

01-04-13, 12:03 PM
Just wanted to suggest you read this thread. It's titled Detaching With Love.

Also, if your son does have Bipolar, which by the way is very likely if his bio-mother has it, then the Ritalin could be doing more harm than good. Stimulants can agravate mood instability. Just an FYI.

Best wishes!

And so can anti depressants. Is he taking a mood stabiliser?

01-04-13, 02:29 PM
Saturday, that first post in that thread is fantastic. It's exactly what I'm getting at, here. I'm not suggesting (at all) that Teacher withdraw her affection or emotional support. I'm suggesting that she allow her son to make his own mistakes and learn from them, even if the ways that he has to learn may be tough to watch, and even if, in the short term, he will be angry at her for doing so.

And it is as that first post says: ultimately, that's the only way to TRULY help him. :(

Man, Teacher, you are a good soul. If all the world was made up of folks like you, we'd all be in good shape.

01-04-13, 07:10 PM
All due respect, but you have more than refusing to speak to him. That's not at all what I mean. I mean stepping back and allowing him to fall on his face with all the love in your heart. Its really not an easy thing to do. Its so much easier to help than to see them fail or get hurt or get mad at you. No one doubts that you love him.

So maybe think of this. He comes over and says I can't pay my rent, my girlfriend is cheating on me with my best friend, my boss is stealing my money, etc etc etc and I was thinking of shaving my head into a mohawk and dying it blue and piercing everything gonna run away with the circus but before that I'm going to apply for medical school..or maybe I wanna be an artist.

And you say nothing but oh really well that sounds interesting sounds like you have a lot on your plate but I trust you to figure it out. Let me know if you ever want an ear to listen.

And any time he gets mean with you you just simply and smartly tell him in no uncertain terms that you won't put up with it and if he chooses to continue you will ask him to leave or even call the police. Then he can make that choice. Despite his illness(es) he can be respectful and make choices and ask for help and stop treating you badly and start being a responsible adult. But that isn't going to happen as long as he doesn't have to.

Think about this, you can get mad at me that's ok but really think about it. Are you helping him for him or for you? Seeing him fail may make you feel like you failed as his mother. But really, if he fails its his doing not yours. Really and truly wishing you the best :)

teacher abc
01-04-13, 07:17 PM
Believe me, if he dyed his hair blue or got a Mohawk, that wouldn't upset me (that's a joke). I know you're right--it is just so hard when you start thinking, what if...and you start thinking homelessness, etc. is going to come...and that is my real concern. I am not as concerned about whether he makes it in school (in fact, I almost wish that it would just fall apart quickly) because with his borrowing money like he is for school, he is doing more harm than good...but whatever, it will be him paying it back, not me.

01-04-13, 07:25 PM

Teacher, I trust you to figure this one out. I believe you will.

Crystal :)

teacher abc
01-04-13, 10:15 PM
He is not on a mood stabilizer. The current doctor has diagnosed him with ADHD and depression. He is not treating the depression. Other doctors have said they think he has bipolar II, PTSD, attachment disorder...his diagnoses are all over the place. The only thing he has been prescribed is Ritalin. He only takes when when he needs to work, even though that is not how the doctor has prescribed it (though he has been honest with the doctor about that).

01-04-13, 10:48 PM
Teacher - I was diagnosed BPII and perscribed Ritalin AND only used it mainly for work. (Mainly M-F and not on the weekends) With me, it helped me focus, but made me extremely iritable and irational, among other things. Something did NOT feel right to me being on Ritalin and my doc took me off of it and put me on mood stabilizers a few weeks ago. Looking back, I feel I would have gone to a bad place had I stayed on Ritalin.

If there is any way you can get him off Ritalin and have the doc switch him to a mood stabilizer, I would try. Especially since his bio-mom had bipolar. That is not something to over look. He seems manic to me!


Bless your heart for being so caring for this young man. I hope you both get answers soon.

teacher abc
01-04-13, 11:34 PM
Right now, I think it will be a little while. His phone is off, so he is shutting out the world. He does that every once in a while, usually to shut me out, but not always. My husband and I were talking this morning. Our take on things is that he is very unhappy and unfortunately taking it out on me. I am the "parental figure" putting limits on him and he is rebelling. In addition, or even mostly, my husband thinks he is very unhappy with himself because he is failing at school and feels like he is failing at life.

01-04-13, 11:59 PM
No doubt, Teacher. No doubt.

Ned Hallowell says that college is the worst time for an ADHDer, because we tend to fall apart when all the controls are removed. I know that it was a very emotionally volatile time for me. I didn't take it out on parents so much as boyfriends, but I was a mess back then.

Homelessness is absolutely worrisome, and any decent parent would want to avoid having their kid experience it. Unfortunately, that's quite a bargaining chip for the kid...

Thing is, one doesn't have to have a college education to earn a living. He could get a job doing whatever and make some money (not much, but something) and that might really improve his self esteem. I thought I might end up in academia and once I got out and ended up working, I was WAY happier, because it's just a lot more concrete.

We happened to have a new boiler and water heater put in today, and those tradesmen were GREAT. They were very knowledgeable about systems and how a house "breaths" and they really educated us as they went along. It was clear that they loved their jobs. More and more, I think that college really isn't for everyone, and kids might be best off taking a couple years to sort out what they really ENJOY doing for a living. No sense getting into debt preparing for a career that you'll never enjoy anyway.

In all likelihood, unless he is into drugs or drinks excessively, he'll never end up "on the street." What will happen instead is that he'll sponge off of friends and sleep on couches, etc. until he gets motivated to do something about his life for himself. In other words, he'll be a little more humiliated (which won't be fun to watch), but he won't be in danger...

teacher abc
01-05-13, 12:08 AM
He doesn't have friends in the city he can sponge off of (he might get a few days from one, but that's about it--if he would even go). I'm figuring, after a week, he's end up either in a shelter or back at home with the abusive mom. Either would be a danger to him. Despite him being a big kid, he doesn't know how to defend himself--was in a shelter when he was younger and got beaten up a bit. If he ended up with mom...not good and he would have a hard time getting out from under.

Believe me, I totally agree with you about college. I wish he would talk up a trade. I have spoken to him about it. He has this thing about trying college--I think because his mom failed at it. So, until the college kicks him out, he is not going to drop out. I think it wouls take two semesters of probation to be kicked out. So, this is going to take a while. I couldn't care less if he's a plumber or a sanitation worker...if he can work, and is okay, I don't care. I question whether he can work. He is phobic about dealing with people. He panics. Time will tell.

Fortunately, he doesn't do drugs or drink much...

01-05-13, 12:59 PM
Well, hang in there, Teacher. :(

It's hard to imagine that he doesn't appreciate you right now. One day he will regret that very much. :(

Dang, I'm getting all teary-eyed thinking about what a good thing you've done for him. You're like the teacher in Precious.

Ok, just as an aside, wasn't MoN'ique's performance in that one of the most powerful things you've ever seen? :eek:

teacher abc
01-05-13, 02:26 PM
I never saw the movie...

01-05-13, 07:58 PM
It's fabulous.

MoNi'que's performance is extraordinary. The kid who plays Precious is also good. I don't think that she had ever acted before, so I don't want to minimize how good she was.

But MoNi'que is so extraordinary that you can't believe it. She is hateful, and pathetic, and evil, and sad, all at the same time.

01-05-13, 09:22 PM
:eek:SOmething was suppose to change in the new year!? I must of not gotten the memo damn add :doh::giggle: Seriously tho Its rough reading this stuff about kids not appreciating and abusing there parents/step parents guardians etc especially when I no longer have parents to appreciate or help me.

teacher abc
01-05-13, 10:16 PM
Rebellyell, you might want to know that he was raised by an abusive parent. The first time he REMEMBERS being beaten was when he was four; she hit him in the head with a piece of a wooden bedpost...then in addition to the beatings, she called him stupid, retarded, etc., which continued right through high school, and financially abused him. He is said to have, among other things, attachment disorder. This is not to say he is justified in how he behaves. It merely might provide some explanation as to why it is hard for him to appreciate guardians...

01-06-13, 07:54 AM
oooh this is a tough one, your strength is amazing. Your son and I are so similar it's uncanny.
I never got abused by my parents but was bullied throughout my entire schooling career including
pre-primary school. When I was 22 I was very difficult child, I had a god-complex. Hormones
+ mania = disaster. I flunked out of college twice and now I live full of regret. I just got diagnosed
recently, you lucky that you picked up the problem early.

He is definitely bipolar like me, I think he should start treatment asap and monitor the situation.

01-06-13, 08:13 AM
What would definitely help is get him into Bodybuilding or Mixed Martial Arts. I was an angry person,
gyming has taught me discipline and focus. It's lot of work and not just the two hours you put in that day. It's still about recovering and preparing yourself for the next session. Once I picked up my first weight I knew I was at home. You also start talking to people and meeting people about fitness.

What I love about Mixed Martial Arts is that it's about learning discipline, you go in there thinking
you going to fight but you end up getting your butt kicked. MMA is about channelling your anger and finding your centre. It's alot of hard work because you need to push your body to the limits. It's not really about the fighting it's about the training. Maybe your'll should visit a MMA dojo and just take a tour.

teacher abc
01-06-13, 11:47 AM
Believe me, I wish he would do something like that. Another problem he has is weight. He is almost 6 feet tall but weighs 345 pounds. He walks but other than that, he doesn't do any exercise at all.

He is angry. Now that I am thinking about it, I am thinking that something happened when he was upstate. It could be general; he has said repeatedly that he liked living up there because it was quiet. So, he could have come back feeling badly because he felt better up there and all his problems are waiting for him back here and I am a reminder of that. What he may not realize is that problems follow you wherever you go. He could be rethinking his whole life and unsure how to change it to what he wants it to be. It would be nice to think that he would reach out and talk to me but he isn't good at that. Or, it could be more specific; he could have had an issue with someone up there. Although he doesn't know I know, he had a girlfriend when he was in school up there and I don't think the road was smooth. What he did actually tell me was that she was a very mixed up girl who went out with a number of guys, broke up with them, got back together, and so on...I know it from someone else that he was one of those guys. I am sure he never wanted to tell me because he thinks it would make him sound stupid. The point is that he saw her when he was up there (he told me this also) and who knows what was said or what he felt. So, he could have come back to the city in a really bad mood for any number of reasons, having little to do with me, other than I am a reminder of certain things.

Of course, these are all guesses. What I do know for sure is that he was hostile to me upon his return from upstate, and that he turned off his phone for the last few days. While it is possible that he turned it off because he is angry at me, chances are that he turned it off to tune out everyone. It is hard for me not to notice that he has been on FB very little (yes, we are friends on FB). Typically, though he doesn't comment on everything or post all the time, he usually does three or four times a day. I would say in the last few days, he has done it maybe twice...

teacher abc
01-06-13, 07:41 PM
I think I now have some idea why he is acting the way he is...As soon as my DS got back from visiting upstate, he acted out towards me--got the rent check, stormed out and told me I was the problem.

Fast forward. He has had his phone off since then, spent not a cent, hadn't been on FB. It seemed as if he just withdrew from the world. I come home tonight to find a "bloody" FB status post from him. It is obvious he has a broken heart. Even though he denied having a girlfriend up there, there was obviously someone he cared about upstate. From his post, it was also obvious that he saw her when he was up there and it sounds like he has finally realized that nothing will ever work out between them and that she is simply a part of his past. It was so sad. If it is who I am thinking it was, there was a girl up there, who I would characterize as "messed up," meaning that she went out with and broken up with and sometimes got back together with and broke up with because she never knew what or who she wanted. I am guessing that he was one of them and he was part of the trail of broken hearts she left behind. So, I think he is shutting himself off from the world and nursing his wounds.

As typical for a mom, I am worried about him. Fortunately, he has food stamps so the fact that he is spending nothing doesn't necessarily mean he isn't eating. One of his friends told me today that she Skyped with him last night and he had literally been in bed all day, and said he was unable to get out of bed.

I don't know what to do, if I should do anything and if I do nothing, how long to let things go on as they are. If I wanted to, I could go to his house. I have the keys. But I don't want to barge in. I tried emailing him today. We'll see if there is any response.

01-06-13, 07:53 PM
That makes me sad,unfortunately when your whole life you have been bullied teased picked on and put down for everything its gets to a depressing point you dont know who to trust and personaly sometimes it gets to a point where everyone sucks and everything sucks and just let me be attitude w alot of us who have been down some of these paths.Im sure his weight makes him feel self conscious too.

teacher abc
01-06-13, 08:11 PM
And this is really heartbreaking: he said that she was the first person to show an interest in him when he was alone for so long. Not only was he bullied, teased picked on and put down by his mom (not to mention beaten), he had spent his life being picked on by other kids for most of his life. It was only in his senior year of high school that he started making any friends and college upstate where he developed a group of kids that were friends. Now he is back here, going to a commuter college where he hasn't made any friends. He got into a school far far away from home and he agreed, with my imput, to come back home. But, in retrospect, he's lonely. It is not that he would have had this girl, because she has moved on too, but because he lived in student housing, it was easier to make friends.

01-06-13, 09:00 PM
Well thats not his fault the girl was a hoochie momma who had to have the whole ahem football team and leave every one hanging.THeres alot of dubious people int he world like this,Alot of selfishness.It sucks to have no friends as at 38 Im in the same boat and theres days I dont get out of bed and somedays I feel like whats the point going on n on like this anymore,My counselor and med nurse dont know this nor will I tell them this because nothing is accomplished anyway.

01-07-13, 03:34 PM
That sounds like an excellent theory.

I went through similar things to your son, Teacher. My first memory of being beaten was at about 5 years old. May have been 6.

When you go through something like that, you do tend to become overly attached to boyfriends/girlfriends because you're soooooooooo needy.

For me, therapy made all the difference. I was lucky enough to find an outstanding psychiatrist. She did CBT (which was very new back then) once or twice a week for a year with me, much of it for free because I had no insurance.

I will never forget the time my mom (my real mom; I didn't have a substitute like you, Teacher) got hold of my address book and decided to call up and browbeat the doctor into giving her information about me. The doctor maintained a separate line and an answering machine at her home. You wouldn't ever reach her on it. You only got the answering machine. So my mother called that number and when she couldn't reach the doctor, she demanded that an operator "break into" the line. The operator tried, but, of course, it was just an answering machine...

My mother was undeterred. She started berating the operator in the same way that she would berate my brother and me, calling her stupid, etc. Finally the operator hung up on her.

The answering machine dutifully recorded the ENTIRE conversation... :)

Our next session, my doctor came in, tiny little answering-machine tape in hand. She held it up to me and said, "I am AMAZED that you are as sane as you are!"


That was literally the beginning of my recovery, right there. :)

So lest you fear that he'll never get through this, Teacher, it can be and is done. :)

teacher abc
01-08-13, 12:07 AM
So, it seemed like it was a combination of things that caused him to act out towards me...and then keep his phone off. First, he got mad at me because he asked me if I could go over and give his landlady the rent check and I said yes at first and when I found out he wasn't going to be as late as I thought, I told him it was a bit inconvenient and asked him to come get it. The way he heard that was he asked for help and I refused to help him. In his mind, he felt that he has such a hard time actually asking for help and when he finally does, I reaction to this he got mad--overreacted, and after his phone died, he didn't power it up because that way I couldn't reach him. Then the thing happened with the girl. This afternoon, I asked if I could come over and he agreed. Then, at first he still seemed icy and after a little silence, he finally admitted why he got mad. And maybe the therapist is doing him some good because he said it was because of her that he actually told me--he probably would've continued to be mad and not say anything.

01-08-13, 09:57 AM
So, it seemed like it was a combination of things that caused him to act out towards me...and then keep his phone off. First, he got mad at me because he asked me if I could go over and give his landlady the rent check and I said yes at first and when I found out he wasn't going to be as late as I thought, I told him it was a bit inconvenient and asked him to come get it. The way he heard that was he asked for help and I refused to help him. In his mind, he felt that he has such a hard time actually asking for help and when he finally does, I reaction to this he got mad--overreacted, and after his phone died, he didn't power it up because that way I couldn't reach him. Then the thing happened with the girl. This afternoon, I asked if I could come over and he agreed. Then, at first he still seemed icy and after a little silence, he finally admitted why he got mad. And maybe the therapist is doing him some good because he said it was because of her that he actually told me--he probably would've continued to be mad and not say anything.

I'm glad you got some answers. It seems like things are slowly improving a bit. Your son is lucky to have someone as patient and kind as you in his life.

I'm sorry he had to experience that heart break. It will probably hurt for a while but I hope he will get over it soon or soon-ish.

I'm not saying that his experience is trivial but I know that I tend to over react hugely to every tiny stimulus. (Am bipolar too). I hurt more and for longer than the situation or the event warrants. I also tend to indulge in black and white thinking. So if one thing goes wrong, it makes me feel as if the whole world is coming crashing down and my life is so miserable that I don't want to live anymore. I can't regulate my emotions, even when I'm aware that I'm overreacting.

When you are in a state like that, parents are an easy target, an easy outlet for your mood.because no one else really cares to put up with your ********. He might not really be that angry with you at all but in his pain you might just be an easy and willing outlet. Or maybe in his pain he might be so sensitive right now that even something simple like not paying the rent seems like just another blow that the world has dealt him.

Thanks for being so patient. I'm sure it helps him hugely to know that there is someone he can rely on and who will care no matter what he does.

teacher abc
01-08-13, 06:49 PM
I think a lot of it too is that his mom would never help him when he asked (or didn't), so he is extremely sensitive about it and reluctant to ask--if you asked your mom for help and she didn't, why would you continue to ask? I don't think it the paying the rent but the asking for help that triggered his overreaction.

teacher abc
01-11-13, 12:44 AM
The doctor is finally getting around to trying to treat my DS for his depression. The doctor spoke to him about depression meds and my DS said that he would get back to him because it "wasn't a decision that he could make on (his) own." I am presuming that he meant he wanted to talk to me. I made the mistake of saying, okay, let's talk about it. But then he said he didn't want to try the meds. He said everything was stressing him and started to talk about how everything was too much to think about--I said, let's break it down and listed some categories and said maybe we could talk about one. He started to and then shut down, saying he didn't want to have the conversation anymore. Then he seemed to be in and out of a bad mood for a while. When he left here, he seemed a little better. He told me that he told the doctor that he thought about death--not suicide--but death and ways to die...:(

01-11-13, 04:14 AM
I go through thinking about death all time, and it sucks when I wake up in the morning to realise I'm alive. Sometime I even get affairs in order incase something happens to me.
I'm not suicidal but I will gladly accept fate if it happens. The good thing about antidepressants is that it allows me to function. What I do find strange is that your
body primary function is too survive by all means necessary yet I don't have that.