View Full Version : Constantly ashamed of my appearance


Fuzzy12
01-03-13, 02:29 PM
I'm happy with my face but the rest is a mess. I constantly try to camouflage the results of all my stupid disorders. It's only recently that I started wearing short sleeves again but I still worry about what people might think when they see the scars on my arm. or the scars from constantly picking the skin on my arms.

I'm on my own in my office today. It's boiling hot so I removed my sweater. am wearing a sleeveless top underneath. Someone just came into my office. I wanted to wear my sweater again but thought he might feel bad if I do that. I mean, it's not like my top is very skimpy or anything. It just exposes my arms. Normally he talks for hours (which drives me crazy) but today he very quickly left. Now I'm wondering if it's because he thinks I'm a freak with all the scars on my arms or if he got disgusted by the sight. :(

I wouldn't be so ashamed if I had a skin condition I think, or something that isn't self inflicted. I was looking up bipolar disorder and comorbids too. Apparently, BD shows a higher rate of both eating disorders and impulse control disorders like skin picking. Brilliant. :rolleyes: I've stopped cutting myself but I still can't stop picking my skin. It's a constant mess. Why am I so stupid?????

ezridax
01-03-13, 02:52 PM
I'm on my own in my office today. It's boiling hot so I removed my sweater. am wearing a sleeveless top underneath. Someone just came into my office. I wanted to wear my sweater again but thought he might feel bad if I do that. I mean, it's not like my top is very skimpy or anything. It just exposes my arms. Normally he talks for hours (which drives me crazy) but today he very quickly left. Now I'm wondering if it's because he thinks I'm a freak with all the scars on my arms or if he got disgusted by the sight. :(


I don't know about your co-worker. But if it were me, I wouldn't leave just because of the scars on your arms; I might, however, if I sensed that you seemed uncomfortable having me there. Perhaps you yourself were acting uncomfortable and so he left because he thought he sensed you didn't want him there?

Instead of worrying about what other people think of your appearance, the most important thing is to work on how YOU feel about your appearance. Because if you yourself are uncomfortable in your own skin, people will sense that and feel uncomfortable, too; but if you can accept your appearance and exude some confidence in yourself then others will learn to accept it, too.

hanikamiya
01-03-13, 11:19 PM
... boiling hot? This time of the year? o.O;

I can't really offer any advice. Good moments mean I can ignore my scars and all the things I dislike about my appearance. Bad moments mean I hide, and hurt.


Feeling comfortable and content makes it easier to remain in my 'good' mode. Feeling physically uncomfortable or anxious or being otherwise reminded of how I do have a body easily let me switch to 'bad' mode.

I'm far from accepting my appearance or feeling comfortable with it. So trying to ignore it is the only way I know. As long as I manage to stay neutral-ignorant for longer stretches of time, I don't fall as deep when going into bad mode. Maybe I feel very uncomfortable and want to hide, but I don't activate the old self-hatred and ideas of punishing myself etc.

Rebelyell
01-04-13, 12:12 AM
Your not stupid you have a chemical inbalance in your brain that you nor the rest of us can help w out meds or otherwise.

mrs. dobbs
01-04-13, 05:54 AM
You're not alone with the scars. If I saw them I'd feel compassion.

Fuzzy12
01-04-13, 06:51 AM
Thanks guys. Hanika, we are having an uncharacteristically warm winter but the problem is just that my office gets so warm and stuffy. Uggh...I hate stuffiness. Sometimes, I can actually feel my brain shutting down when I enter our building... :mad:

Ez, I guess you are right. I just wonder why he never senses my uncomfortableness when he's talking too much??? :D

mrs. dobbs
01-04-13, 07:25 AM
I had a similar situation this past year. I had a really bad time after staying with family too long. I was being invalidated by a person who was jealous of my pregnancy. I was really hurt because I loved this person very much and didn't understand why I was being treated so badly.

Rather than abuse other people, I turned the invalidation against myself and scratched/cut the inside of my forearm arm up. It was terrible timing because I was in and out of the hospital and constantly needing to expose my arms for iv needles and blood pressure. I had to wrap it in plastic to get it to heal. It was the first time in a couple of years I'd done it.

It was difficult because some stupid nurse I'd seen some months before ignored my requests for thyroid testing at the beginning of my previous pregnancy (I miscarried) and instead focused in on a scar on my arm I got from the oven. She seemed to use it as an excuse/way to get me to stop insisting on a thyroid test, even though women are supposed to be tested they day they find out they are pregnant. Well I lost the baby, and I got thyroid medication eventually.

Anyhow, this last time around the wounds were actually from self-injury. So I bought these black Japanese driving sleeves and I wore one on one arm, they looked a little gothy and I insisted that everything be done on the other arm, faking right-handedness. It was hard and I panicked often, since I didn't want to be suspected of being unstable while pregnant (I wasn't) and have it go in my records. As it was, everyone was insensitive that I had a psychiatric history and it was all over my charts and they were handling me like a 'crazy' person and always seemed relieved when I was consistently rational and uneventful. So seeing those cuts would have blown up an already stupid situation.

In any case, I was cutting bushes and gardening while pregnant and I was prepared say I was cut by a sago palm, which I actually was. Sago palms give lots of little nasty irritating cuts. I got through it and the scars are faded now, but still there. I use it as a reminder of how I feel around my family.

tudorose
01-04-13, 07:53 AM
I have lots of mountain biking 'trophies' on my arms and legs but for me the issue is that even after 18 months of very little exercise I still have so much lean muscle mass that I look like a bodybuilder. The only time I see other women shaped like me is when I watch the track cycling or weight lifting on the olympics.

On Wednesday it was about 30 degrees C (86F) in the office. I usually wear a lightweight shirt over the top of a tank top and for the first time ever I took the over shirt off. I was a bit self conscious at first but it was soooo hot that I stopped caring after a while.

Maybe I just need to accept that I'm built like a bodybuilder....

TheChemicals
01-04-13, 10:13 AM
woaw dont be so mean to yourself.

Raye
01-04-13, 11:10 AM
send some of that warm weather this way! at my work we might as well stand outside . On new years day the inside thermostat read 48 degrees.

anyways, this reminds me, I still have some scars on my arms when I burnt myself multiple times from the oven when I worked in a HS cafeteria... my boss then had the nerve to ask me if I was a 'cutter'.......

don't be too hard on yourself. anyone who walks away may have been uncomfortable with what they saw and just couldn't handle it or imo
it's their issue, not yours.