I am in the process of getting a divorce from my wife of 6 years. I think that a lot of it has to do with me mis -managing the money by not writing down what I or we took out and from me getting stressed out to easy and taking it out on her. I am still very much in love with her but she has fallen out of love for me, but she says that she loves me. If that makes since.

We went to a lawyer today to start the process of getting our divorce and have put our house up for sale. We have seemed to agree on everything from child custody of our two great boys to who gets what in the house and how we are going to repay any debt that is left over after splitting everything up. We even talk about still seeing each other after the divorce to go out for dinner or me coming over to eat at her new house and helping her put the boys to bed together. We both want to seem to make life easy on each other and truly seem to be concerned about the other person, but she feels that this is the only way to get some distance and find herself. Counseling didn't work since she didn't want to go after the first time and she isn't inclined to stretch anything out like the selling the house or putting on hold the divorce.

So whether I like it or not I am at this point. The problem is where is here and how do I get refocused to a life without my wife and boys around all the time.

I know that talking is good and I will never stray from listening to advice someone wants to give and I know about getting a place to live, a car, figuring out my bills and all the other stuff that goes with personal living stuff. But how about the other stuff that I don't see right now. How will not seeing my boys every night affect me, what happens if a woman comes along and she tries to sweep me off my feet ( I don't see that one happening and I won't be out looking, but I thought that I would include it anyways).

It just seems hard to see all the intangibles, and it gets very frustrating that it didn't work. I am trying to work on things that I didn't do right, that is one of the reasons that I was able to find out that I had ADD. I went to a doc to try and understand why I couldn’t remember, why I had a hard time not focusing on my wife when she was talking (that caused some really great arguments) and many other things that are ADD related. It has helped and I am glad that I am working on fixing the things that I need to fix in me. I am also going to see a counselor to help in all of this and that has helped to.

I know there is no way to know the future and how all of it will turn out, but I sure am trying to figure it out, but feel like I am losing an uphill battle.

Thanks for listening to my babbling. I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, but I try.

The problem is where is here and how do I get refocused to a life without my wife and boys around all the time.

I'm sorry to hear about the divorce.

Keep your life as simple as possible. I know it may sound corny, but I think the answer is "One day at a time".
Don't try to plan out the future; just try to plan out today.
Keep things simple.
I assume you have a job, but may need a car now, so do that. Find an apartment. Get up in the morning and go to work. Come home and clean house and do whatever else you need to do. See your boys as often as possible, but also respect your ex's need for distance from you.

Like I said, keep everything as simple as possible because divorce is an emotionally draining experience, and you don't want any more drain on your energy than absolutely necessary.

I'm sorry Caine, that's rough. It sounds like she loves you but lost respect for you. ouch. For your boys, I'm relieved to hear that things are amicable. You must be two very mature people and great parents to not put your children through anything ugly. I hope the visits take some of the sting out of not having them home with you all the time.

I guess in the meantime you're doing everything you can do. There are a lot of problems ADD can be at the root of, so start with the top three you have the most trouble with and work on them first. I reread the same books at the library and the same articles over and over and over to get it into my head. I hope with some time and work you will be more stabile with your ADD (it never goes away but we can function with it) and if you can't get back together with your wife then I hope love will find you again.

Best wishes.

February 18th, will be my 10 year anniversary. We have one daughter who will be 9 in June. I'm adhd, as well as my daughter and my husband is add. I'm taking my medication and it's made a big difference in my life! My husband will not take medication. We have had problems all through our marriage, mainly because he is a compulsive lier. And trust is a main issue for me. Also, he drinks beer alot and wants to talk and you cannot get a word in edge wise. Now, last night he packed his bags and is staying at a hotel.
I want this marriage to work! But, he has some deep issues within himself that needs to be addressed before working on anything else. The lieing is horrible, but, I don't take it personally, b/c he lies to everybody, including his dad, who he is in business with.
Anyone for some comforting advice?

My mother has always told me to try everything in your power to make it work if you want it to work. Me and Rachel had alot of money trouble (well I had alot of money trouble) If I had money in my pocket you can bet I would spead it. When I was incharge of the money bills would not get paid, My wife was very unhappy and question if she was in love with me. In her eyes I couldn't take care of her and our kids, this will make a lady question if they our in love or not. You've got to take care of the one's she loves. It was really hard, but when I gave up every right to money, it got better the bills are paid there's extra money and we can live a good life. But if you know deep down you've tryed evrything to make it work then you can say you've tryed. 2 questions is your wife an at home mother? If so does she get away from the kids for some time for her-self?

Keep your head up.

The same with us, however, his dad is paying our bills now. From our money of course:) I looked up the definition for pathological liar and this is some of what I found:

The attachment is a ".doc" file and that's problematic in that we can't prove that it's free of problems. If you save that same file as a ".txt" file in a simple text editor and attach it to your post it will be incapable of carrying a payload that might cause other members any problems.

Can you verify that this file is clear of problems? I'm sure you would not want it to ever cause any problems for anyone. The best way to avoid this risk is to just post the content into your post. Alternately you could post the content to a web site and post a link and some summary here to offer the information.

Maybe others have a better insight to my concerns.
Cheers! Ian.

Caine7478,You are not alone ,my friend ,my wife left me and took our two boys also ,for add related reasons ,much as I don't want it she's gone and now we are two weeks into our 1year seperation before divorce is allowed .
one day at a time we will get through it

This is what the word Document in the post says.


• The only way to find out about the lying is to listen carefully and check out the stories. You'll find, especially if they aren't a good liar, that the details will change when the stories are told. Especially so if the stories are told to different people. The liar is very adept at judging just how much emphsis to put on certain things to get the reaction they want from the affected party.
Unfortunately, I speak from experience. I was involved in a very bad relationship with just such a person. Some observations:
1. Had no real friends.
2. Ability to cut off relationships coldly.
3. Very intense personality.
4. Low self esteem.
5. Hospital visits for phantom problems.
6. Need for sympathy from others.
7. Other mental issues: Depression
8. Offended if you question story.
9. Relationship progressed quickly.
10. Many jobs.
11. Always fired because people can't get along with "them".
12. Can pass a lie detector test because they really believe the lie.
13. Lies to call attention to their hard life, or circumstances.
I could go on forever. In my case I was involved in an 18 month long relationship with a P.L.. I found myself lucky to escape. But still I nearly lost my 25 year job, over $20,000 in money, and my sanity. The end came when she "found the Lord", but thereafter quickly started a sinful physical relationship with a church elder to get into the church quicker. The loss of love in our relationship was all my fault of course.
Now she has a lie for every one what I thought were good points of our relationship. I hear it all coming back to me through mutual friends. It makes me wonder if anything she ever said was the truth.

• It is very hard to tell when one is a pathological liar. Some people just are liars and lie to lie because they can and they don't care about getting caught and aware that you know they have lied. These people care not about lying, it's no big deal. It's like "ok, so what? I lied". The pathological liar on the other hand, IS aware that they are lying BUT will go to extremes to make you believe that they are truthful. They appear to believe their own lies BUT in truth, they know their lies are just that, lies. But because their efforts are constantly backing up their lies, it appears to us that they actually believe their lies, when we eventually do find out about them and then we tend to feel sorry for these people. Then they have an excuse, "I am sick, I don't know why I lie, I believed what I was saying etc..." The only truth was the fact that they don't know why they lie. Other than that it's crap.
Eventually, the more they tell the lie and we believe it, the easier it is for them to tell it and for it to become second nature to them so that particular lie becomes truth.
Having a relationship with these people is dangerous. A romantic one, a friendship or even family can be a very nerve wracking, stressful time.
It is true that most of them have an extremely low sense of self worth and are continuously trying to make themselves feel better about THEMSELVES and this is one reason they lie. It is about them but the lies are not always set up with the purpose to hurt some one else; it's that these people feel so low about themselves they need to create ANYTHING different from the ugly reality they feel about themselves so they lie about even the most tiniest little thing. The people closest to them get sucked into these lies, which sometimes start as something very trivial and then turn into something that can turn everyone involved worlds upside down and inside out.
My ex best friend is a pathological liar and I am still fixing the mess she left behind.
She is not an evil person. She is a very kind, very loving give you the shirt off her back type of person. Literally, she will go without so that you can have something, she will help you in any way she can and she really wants to. She has no mean bone in her body and she would NEVER intentionally hurt anyone. She would NEVER steal from you, monentarily anyway, sleep with your husband, smack you kid etc....
But she is a liar and a pathological one, the most dangerous kind, at that and it is by the lies that one is robbed, smacked in the face and hurt.
These are the people who it is very difficult to determine truth from lies. These are the MOST dangerous people and it is very difficult, damn near impossible to tell if their lying, especially in the begining because we (as someone stated in a previous post) tend to accept people as honest until we are proven otherwise from the begining and when someone is so giving, and goes out of their way for you and everyone around them, their behavior doesn't correlate with those of a liar. And it's crazy to have to constantly question every new meeting with a potential friend, every new person we meet. Is it true what they said? Are they really 32? etc... It can be maddening and how much time do we really have to do this?
It's best just to take new meetings and conversations with new people with a grain of salt and never reveal too much about yourself. Until you find your self interested in that one person for hire, for a friendship or whatever then it's time to do the investigation. And never let one or two "little lies" go without confrontation. With these types of people, there are no "little lies". Normal people tell little lies. We tell them so not hurt someone's feelings, to not get into trouble or sometimes simply just for privacy; we may not want to tell someone about our personal business, yet we don't create elaborate on going soap operas that are based on nothing but lie after lie.
When these people have built up an entire soap opera of lies and it starts to unfold and they are at risk of being found out, usually something elaborate and extreme happens. Sometimes very dangerous as in the case of the Hackings man who killed his wife because he was on the brink of being found out of all his lies.
Sometimes there will be an "accident" where the liar has been through something dramatic requiring hospitalization so that now the focus is off of her lying and on her "injury". This works especially well especially if this person is a well liked and kind perosn to begin with. Everyone tends to feel "sorry" for her.
Sometimes the liar will confess and explain that something is wrong emotionally or that they were really depressed and then this admission of "truth" becomes a soft spot for the other people involved. We tend to want to give another chance only to be caught up again at a later date to even more elaborate and hurtful lies.
This is when we must learn to walk away. This person has a serious problem and needs help but it is not our jobs to help them. In our attempts to help them we become entangled in their destructive webs of lies and deciet and for the most part they are only being decietful to themselves but we inadvertently get caught up in it and we who are close to them are at risk of getting extremely hurt.
Sometimes you will not know if someone is a pathological liar until it is too late; until an entire volcano of lies has finally errupted and you find yourself in a huge mess, especially if your dealing with the type I have described. The "truth is", there is really NO WAY to tell if a person is a pathological liar UNTIL you have already gotten caught up in some sort of theirs. Hopefully, it will be a small enough web and you will recognize it right off and can say "ok, this is going no further".
The biggest problem is letting the "little lies" slide off our backs. With these people, again, there are no "little lies".
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Thanks for posting the content Chel.
Ian

My 2 canadian cents worth here...

Take your time Candy Caine , and one day at a time a new life will slowly starts to grow where you will fill full again, even if you dont have what you have right now. If i can give you one advice ...is STAY away from relationship for a while.

Just dont be stupid like me and wait 7 yrs LOL...:p