I have made a great many bad decisions in life, gotten myself into some awfuly sticky situations, and sometimes wild, hairy, insane situations. I didn't know I had ADHD until recently, I just thought I was a self destructive person with bad ideas and absolutely no self control. Now I hear of the impulse control problem of ADDers and I'm wondering how much of my life's bad decisions I can account to my ADHD, thereby taking myself off the hook and telling myself I won't do it anymore because I'm on meds for ADHD. I'm thinking that believing that the Adderall will prevent me from jumping on the insane train of having a crazy thought pop into my head and acting on it instantly with no consideration will help me, because maybe it will make my first impulse be to stomp on the brakes when I get a crazy idea and think things through, hopefully keeping me from doing stupid things. I really have had huge problems in my life acting on bad impulse, from childhood into adulthood, it can really mess up your life. Funny thing is, I've never had a positively impacting impulse - only ones that are extremely stupid and often blow up in my face, often hurting those closest to me. But I never consider all that before acting on it. I just DO it because it sounds fun or exciting or fulfilling or attention-getting, which is really funny because I hate attention, but sometimes I would feel an extreme urgency to be noticed because I felt I'd become invisible for the moment and I didn't want to fade away into someone that doesn't matter. Weird, I know. I guess that can account for why I entered into a job in the public eye in spite of my extreme shyness and social phobia.
So ultimately what I'm asking is - do you think it would be ok for me to blame the ADHD for ALL of my past crazy actions so I could drop the blame off myself and have a fresh start in life where things are hopefully under control in that area? In essence - taking the responsibility off of myself for my own actions? I know it would be good to forgive myself and start fresh on my own, but I can't do that if I don't take the blame off of me first, otherwise I remain stuck in a guilt and self loathing cycle. But I don't want to blame the ADHD for those bad decisions if that's ridiculous. Can anyone tell me if it's a ridiculous notion or not?
~ E-girl

i think that whatever you have to do in order to release this level of guilt is a great thing to do. the truth is, your adhd very likely WAS the cause of your behavior, even if indirectly.

i can relate to all the impulsivity and also to the horrible guilt that builds up as a result. i am dealing with that in therapy. to continue to carry it around is simply unhealthy, and unproductive. guilt never solved anything anyway. guilt is ood for one thing and one thing only, destroying any self-esteem we've managed to retain bit by bit until we are truly an empty shell. you do not deserve that AT ALL!

you have had a recent dx that, yes, explains a lot of what you went through. but think of it this way......even if you didn't have adhd, the level of self-loathing you're carrying around is a burden that serves no positive purpose in your life. my hope is that you can release that burden and begin to see the wonderful qualities that exist within you.

Hi e girl the way I look at it, you can blame it on anything you want, as long as you stop beating yourself up. I will be 40 this year and It's been 6 weeks since I realized I had adhd. Now I can look back at all the crazyness, I have caused in my life the way I look at it, is my mom use to say, your not normal, normal people don't do that. So I guess we can blame it on adhd. Because you can hold a person responsable who just simply didn't know no better....I am glad your on the uphill climb. oh and when I said to the doc. I wish I would have found out sooner, maybe I wouldn't have made such a mess of things. And he said do you want to live in the past or the future? now that you know what is wrong, focus on how the meds are going to make things better for you in the future, where would you like to see your self a year from now?

E-Girl,

In part I agree with Free. You DO have to let go of this guilt. You shouldn't be carrying massive loads of guilt from past impulsive acts; it isn't fair on yourself, or on those around you that love you. The impact on your self-esteem would be far too intense to logically argue that you should feel guilt forever, and that applies to anything you have done.

However, and here is the bit I live by, and the part you might not like. I do believe that ADHD related or not, you have to "own" those things you have done by recognizing them as choices you made. As people with ADHD, we DO still have choices.

Once you "own" you choices, face up to them, which to me it appears you have done, then move on. Clear the slate. Forgive yourself. You cannot unring a bell, e-girl, but you can become the best person you can be.

Meds are only half of the answer. The rest is up to you. But if you can afford it, I would recommend CBT and or psychoanalysis. I'm only recently DX too, so I DO understand this transition period.

I think by this very post that you are already on the way. I wish you well in your journey of self-discovery. :)

i agree with that rhapsody, as far as "owning up" i just phrase it differently. i think we need to come to the awareness that whatever we may or may not have done in life, we are the one who is ultimately responsibile it. and whatever the semantics, we're both clear in the believe that e-girl has succeeded in that step. that said, it's time to let it go and move on to all the good that lies ahead!

If it was possible for me to 'let it go', 'forgive myself' and move on I would have done that years ago. That's why I posted this question to all you other ADDers.
I know that I did those things, and I know that it was me doing it, not my neurological disorder per say. But how much of our flubs can we attribute to our ADD giving us the tendancy to do? I hear some people attribute every action they do to ADD, good and bad. I don't think that's quite right either. But, if I knew that if I didn't have ADD I wouldn't have done such crazy things, then I would know how to control future outbreaks of stupidity. LOL
I am trying to learn to control what I can in my life, and starting with my biggest faults.
It's scary to not know what to expect of yourself. To not know that you may wake up tomorrow remembering something that you did today that was totally out of character and insane, and it was like there was no pause of even a nanosecond between the idea and the action. That's what impulse control is all about, right? I know for a fact that people I know in my world here don't do that. I'm the only one. The others use common sense. I think I wasn't born with common sense and never found out where to buy any. Whatever the reason, there's a big difference between me and the people in my life. Really bad ideas have looked like great things to do for me, the others can plainly see that they are bad ideas but I cannot. I'm not stupid. I'm not immoral. I want to be good. I STRIVE to be good. It's really like this: I'm goin' along mindin' my own business and then suddenly into my head pops a self destructive, demoralizing, and yet pleasurable idea. I'm not talking drugs here. I'm talking actions. Here's a hypothetical exxagerated example - I'm at a party. Feeling scared, don't like parties. I'm feeling vulnerable and want nothing more than to get out. But I feel I can't just say goodbye and leave because it might hurt the host's feelings. So I run in the bathroom, put red dots all over my face with my lipstick, and rush out saying I feel ill and need to go home. Here's how things backfire - So the host and other partygoers freak out at my face spots and make me stay while an ambulance arrives. I can't leave, can't just say the jig is up, try to stay in character and look like i'm suffering from some rare lipstickofacia disease. The ambulance arrives. The EMT's hover over me. One touches one of my spots and it smears. He looks bewildered and opens his mouth to say something. I'm about to be found out! The laughing stock of the room! I have to do something quick! Into my head pops the idea of faking a seizure. I'm flapping all about the room like a Mexican jumping bean. I don't know how to fake a seizure so the EMTs are even more baffled. They go to touch my face spots again and in a panic I scream, "Don't touch my face! I'll bite you! I should have warned you that I have a biting disorder! Arf! Arf!" Now this is really getting out of hand and I don't think even I can save this situation. An idea pops into my head - fake death and never see these people again. sigh! I flop to the floor and close my eyes and hold my breath. Everyone in the room backs away now, frankly frightened by the strange girl. The EMT's listen to my heart and report to them, "She's still breathing. I think she's faking it" Well now I'll just have to move to the other end of the Earth to get out of this one....
That was all made up, but it shows the progress in my thought patterns and how the situations get messy. And I've been in much messier positions than that.
I am afraid of myself. Of doing crazy things. Stupid things. Impulse things.
I want to feel like i can get control of it, but until I think something is in charge of the problem besides ME (like the Adderall) I won't trust or have any faith that I won't continue have problems with my actions. I am strong. I am capable of changing a lot of things about myself and I have done it many times. But this one seems to be out of my direct control, like a part of my brain I'm not linked with executes these bad plans.
~ E-girl

E-girl,

I think Rhapsody is right, just medicating is not the answer...I also had many years of therapy to get me on my way. As a reassurance, though, medications should help calm down that hectic, out-of-control thought process making it easier to evaluate situations and make realistic decisions. It takes the edge off that buzzing around feeling.

I can relate to a lot of what you have written here. I was also told for years by my mother that I was just plain crazy. Did wonders for my self-esteem and belief in my ability to survive in this world. Never once did they consider getting me help...I have had to fight my way out of the pit all by myself and it sounds like you are well on your way to winning this battle also.

One thing I would suggest, though, is start with the littlest flaws...every success gives us the strength to tackle the next one and, believe me, changing is hard work. We need that feeling of moving forward that comes from setting goals that are attainable for our current state.

I have to say that I'm really impressed that you don't want to use your ADHD as an EXCUSE...however, it is an EXPLANATION! They are two different things, and I think the diagnosis helps to explain why you have done so much of what you have done. This is a lesson I am trying to teach my severe ADHD/ODD son...it is never an excuse for bad behaviour...it explains why it is so difficult for him to behave, but he always has choices. As he gets older, and more mature, I think he will understand this better. Until then, I have to just keep showing and telling him.

Have patience with yourself, you are doing a great job and it can't all change overnight. Let the meds do what they are made for, and enjoy some of the relief that comes from knowing you are on the right track, and willing and able, to change!

((((Hugs))))

Kim

Hi E-girl



In the past I think I have had far less control over the actions I have taken than a non-ADHD person. So why beat myself up over it? Now I have more knowledge so I don't get into difficult situations in the first place so much. I am taking more responsibility because _now_ 'I can'. What else can we all do apart from trying our best! :@) I have found worrying about the past to be destructive in every way for everyone. I am sure when the right time comes this will seem obvious (it took me a while but I got there). You are on the right path by posting here.



Tony -xxx-

The feeling you're describing sounds soooo familliar. The things we inflict on ourselfs are sometimes truely horrible. Looking back, I can't count the number of times I crushed my life, lost friends or just hurt myself for the kicks or by simply not thinking more then 1 step ahead.
And a lot of times I was the only victimizer in the picture.

But was it realy me or my ADD?
I'd say both. A lot of times it was a 100% pure ADD thing, you simply didn't see it coming.
Other times it was cooping mechanisms going wild. These little things we learn to do to make living with ADD better, but that are just not that good in certain situations.
And yes, there were times where you hurt yourself and other people around you, because you made a mistake or for a ton of other reasons that are just human.

Theres one big difference though. Other people look at their mistake, griev, apologize, make ammendments and then move on.

That's something we can't do that easily. We carry this whole mountain of guild with us, and strange enough, with the ADD it looks even bigger when we face it.

Also, I believe that before diagnosis, you know somehow that there are definetly things you aren't to blame for. You see other people around you doing stuff that doesn't fit and you see that either they:
Do them, fully knowing that what they're doing is wrong and they deliberatly break the rules
or
Not knowing that they do something wrong.

Neither is the case here. You make the right desiscions, just sometimes the things we base them on, are wrong or, better, out of perspective. (And it really is only sometimes. We make plenty of little and big descicions that are good and thought through every day. Otherwise we would starve, to say the least)

So, you know that your moral compass is right (otherwise this wouldn't bother
right now, btw) but you fail to act upon it.

These two system are then fighting each other. One knows fullwell that something is not right, they other starts building the believe that you aren't right.

The believe that you can't do things right, now builds up more and more and you do all these human things with them (subconsciously).
Like doing stuff deliberately wrong to enforce this feeling that you can't do things right. Or using it as an excuse etc.

Everyone on this planet has these believe systems that seem to work against them. If you can, get some books and find out about this or look for someone that can talk through this.

But, you are without guild here too. It's your mind that tries to work for you, just in a way that's not *cough* realy helpful. :)

So over time, you let a lot of these things go, as you see how you really didn't have any other chance.

Take your party for example. If you can see just an inch past that situation, that behaviour is totaly nuts. But with ADD you sometimes just can't do that. Sometimes these situations are your whole life and everything depends upon that you get out of this party NOW, NO MATTER WHAT IT TAKES.

In this perspective, what you did was right and very creative.

Something else poped up when I was reading this.
The example you picked.
Maybe you don't like parties, however there are people out there for you.

And to me this looks like you didn't outsmart them. They don't subscribe to this idea that you're even half as bad as you may sometimes think you are and they actualy see past all this.

That's a really good thing. :)

The cruelty about ADD is that it even distorts the picture we have of it and it sometimes looks much much bigger then it really is. Just like all the things we do because of it. Don't let that trick you.

Other people have a good chance to see beyond that. They don't get everything either, all the pain and the missed chances. But look for the things that are good. You automaticaly kick yourself hard enough, but put some weight against that.

Now, coming back to guild:
Don't bash yourself. Don't bash your ADD.
It's a part of you, and the same part that lets you draw this great picture of you at a party, just from the top of your head. *snaps his fingers*

Let go of the past mistakes and look forward to finding out how to make this ADDitional part of yours work for you.

Maybe you find that you need the meds to keep things working for you. But there is more and most of it will be in your head. There are a lot of things that are closely related to ADD where you hurt yourself, but that aren't ADD. These mechanisms.
Find those and kick 'em out. Just don't deprive yourself of ADD and it's positive sides.

With every step you'll notice that you're growing a bit more and that you find more strength and love for yourself.
Prepare for failures too, learn from them and after some time you'll see that you have grown more then you ever thought possible.

As Kimalimah said, it's hard work, but you hardly ever get paid so good in your life again.

I forgot to mention, I am getting therapy. I have 3 psychs as a matter of fact. None of them have gotten into teaching me any CBT yet. I'm really interested in what it is.
Every stupid thing I've ever done has either been with the best of intentions or done so quickly that the information wasn't passed through the moral analyzer before committing the act. Knee jerk.
Guilt. I've always thought of it as a strong tool. The chance for me to hold on to the blame and beat myself up for it for the rest of my life so that I'll never commit that mistake again. I guess I had intentions of never making a mistake when I became a mother, so each one surprised me and hurt me in a much more magnified way than the same mistake would hurt other mothers. They seemed to just think 'what's done is done, move on', but I would hold on tight to my pain and guilt in an attempt to never ever make that mistake again. I desperately wanted to learn the lessons with only one teaching. I have taken that to the extreme (as has been recently pointed out to me) at times. An example might be - if the phone rings and the caller brings horrific news, never answer the phone again. If your son falls and cuts his leg while shopping with you in Toy's R Us, never let him - or his siblings - out of the house again. I guess I'm a very extreme person, in all areas. But I so desperately don't want to make anymore mistakes. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I've never done it intentionally, I've always meant well and thought I was doing the 'right' thing for them, but somehow it could at times take a terrible turn and go horrifically wrong. I often think of the saying, The Road To Hell Is Paved With Good Intentions. I so understand what that means. I've always only tried to love the ones I love, and I've ended up hurting them so badly at times. Unintentionally, but at what point do I pull my head out and learn how to do this right?? How hard can it be to make the correct decisions that DON'T end you up in a ditch bloody and penniless?? OTHER people do it ALL the time! Why can't I figure it out?? Why is it such a mystery to me? I can't stand the way I am. Honestly, if I was someone else, I'd HATE me. I'd truly loathe me. I don't understand how people don't. I know people bring most problems on themselves. And I've had far more than my share of problems in my life, so I know that somehow I'm bringing them on. Hence the above discussion of my impulse control. Before I was diagnosed with ADHD I used to try to figure out what I was doing to bring such trouble on myself. I'd search my mind and soul. I'd ask those close to me. Was I a horrible person in a past life? Am I evil and just don't feel it? Am I plainly too stupid to figure out how to function effectively as a person?? Am I not religious enough and God is punishing me for it? Did I give my soul to the devil and forget? For a while I thought maybe I was taking the blunt of troubles so that my children could have easier lives. That was somewhat calming, but then they started having troubles of their own. Big ones. And I realized I wasn't taking any pain away from them.
Oh I do ramble on. I'm sorry. It's just that it shook my entire past up and my whole personality too, when I found out I have ADHD. I thought I was just an out of control, ditzy, half wit. Not only did I find out I have ADHD, I also found out that I'm not stupid. I'm even smart. You can't imagine how much THAT shook me! Now I am trying to reevaluate myself all the way through and piece myself together again with what I know now. This is the biggest puzzle I've ever attempted. And there's millions of pieces...

E-girl,

In a very real way, ADD isn't something you have, it's something YOU ARE. So, in that sense yes you can attribute a lot to ADD. However, even with our myriad "issues" we still ultimately own our actions. The line is a difficult one to draw. I solve this problem with some wisdom I picked up in my old man's AA meetings. ADD isn't our fault, but it is OUR problem. So when inspite of our best intents in life we inadvertantly trespass, it is our responsibility to own it and fix it, and if we can't fix it to do our best to make amends and correct the problem that led to the issue. Being that ADD isn't curable, the only solution left is to learn our capabilities and limitations and find our niche. Just knowing what is wrong and finding and using the tools we need can reduce our problems considerably.

My advice is to be extremely forgiving of yourself, for the simple reason that you were trying to find your way in the dark for most of your life with no idea what was wrong and no tools to work with. As it happens I count a close relationship with you among the biggest blessings in my life and please be assured your past issues are quite forgivable and attributable to many factors. Your past mistakes are unlikely to be repeated, many of them (believe me here) were simply not your fault, and you aren't using your ADD as either a crutch or an excuse. You are ahead of the curve Susan. Be proud of yourself, pat yourself on the back, and LIVE! God knows you've earned the opportunity to enjoy some happiness.

Well your kind supportive words always take a special hidden path straight to my ego and feed my poor starving self esteem E-boy.

I would love to just forgive and drop off all of my past, as if a stand-in was playing my role and now I'm here to take over and do it right. But it was me, no stand-in. How can I be sure I'll stop being impulsive if I don't blame it on the ADD and believe the medicine will stop it? Haven't you ever been afraid of yourself because even you don't know what to expect from you?
I think if I could let go of all the guilt I carry for everything that ever went wrong in my life and everyone I love lives, then I would have a much easier time, because when something bad did happen - which will, this is life after all - I won't link it to every other bad thing that I have all rolled up into a big ball labeled MY FAULT, so every time something bad happens it gets added to the ball and I not only feel guilty over it but the combination of it and everything else in the ball too.

In the end we are still the ones in control Susan. The fears you discuss are your anxiety talking. Worry about what you have control over. Looking to treat it with meds is one approach, and you are acting positively and exerting your control. We also have to look at the things in our lives, and the way we do business that we can change for the better too. "The pills, don't give us the skills", as they say. There is a bit of a learning curve here Susan. First to learn what our weak points are, then how, or if we can work through, over, or around them or whether to accept them as something we need to avoid in life (or minimize). We also have to really find and utilize our gifts too. I am always, through long experience, learning new things about myself and what I am good at. I have a life time of experience in learning what I am bad at, and it was forever a negative thing for me, until I started seeing and doing positive things with it.

Susan, if I ever told you the stories (all of them) of me growing up and the complete lack of impulse control and how I had to learn it all the hard way and somehow, barely, managed to live to adulthood, you wouldn't feel so helpless. This is doable and you have, whether you realize it or not, learned to cope in many ways already. Some are just more effective than others and when you really overtax your nervous system, which I know first hand anxiety does, ADD symptoms get substantially worse. I know your stories Susan and you really have done well. There is nothing wrong with holding yourself accountable, but you've endured enough kicking at both your own hands and the hands of others in your life. Cut it loose, a little bit at a time, and you'll be amazed. Stop worrying about what you can't control and worry about what you can. The nicest part of this philosophy is that it is very easy to define, in the moment, what you can choose or not choose to act on, and what you can't, whereas trying to define that which you can't control is fiendishly difficult when it comes to drawing the line at the border. Easy enough for things like the weather, but decidely more difficult when you've blurted something inappropriate at a bad time, or suffered some other symptom. Yes we are responsible for our actions and their effects, but concentrate on what you can do to improve you, and less on things that have already happened (which you cannot whether you could have helped them back then or not, do anything about now in anycase. Besides, hind sight is 20/20 and it is all too easy to forget that we make decisions in life based on the information we have at the time the decision is made, not with what is available in hindsight. Learn from your mistakes when you can, and deal with the real world consequences. Fix them or make amends if you can, and then cut 'em loose. Too many people in this world are waiting in line to take their turn kicking you for you to get in line with them). Susan, I wouldn't feel the way I do about you if you were a terrible person. I wouldn't be telling you any of this if I hadn't been there myself. We are all different, so I can offer no iron clad assurances, but I can say I am confident things will be fine and I have faith in you. Heck, you help me have faith in me!