Dh and I have been married 20 years and have 3 teens. We value our marriage and will do whatever it takes to make it better. We start couples counseling soon.

Dh was diagnosed ADD just over a year ago. He knows ADD can affect relationships, but I'm not convinced he realizes how much it can cause problems. Two years in a row he has gotten what he believes are poor and unfair performance appraisals at work. (His mananger is a jerk, he only sees the negative, some things are not my fault, they should be guidelines not deadlines . . . etc.) I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but much of what his manager wrote about him is what I see at home, too.

I'm at a point where I know intellectually it's not just me. I'm no paragon of good communication, so I'm glad we're going to get help. (The reason we're going for help is 'marital communication'.) The thing is, whenever we discuss these things, he makes such a good case for himself that I start to wonder if it is just me! Is this typical? Thanks!!

Hi,

If after reading several of the other non add'er posts you feel like you've just read a synopsis of your life, then it's definitely HIM.

My dear sweet ADD'er is very good at explaining how it was everyone and everything else's fault as to why x, y, and z happened, or why she was late, didn't come through on a commitment, etc. Don't believe it; sift through the multiple levels of BS, and force the truth to come to light and make them deal with it.

Unfortunately, our loving understanding = supporting their excuse. It's a fine line we non add'ers have to walk, but ask yourself this - are you really helping him by enabling him to remain the same? There is a point where "stand by your man" no longer applies and it has to become "just do it".

If only our add'ers would put the energy that goes into making excuses into just doing it, then there would be far fewer problems for them.

Encouragement, understanding, and not enabling their excuses are good places to start.

Welcome to the club,

At_wits_end

I don't think it's a matter of whose fault it is. But it's finding a middle ground to communicating. A lot of time it's almost as though a person with and ADD and a person with out ADD speak two different languages or Dialects.

I have a friend from the UK and we joke about how we need and English to English Dictionary. Like ADD and non-ADD people we speak the same words and hear the same words but they don't mean the same things to us.

I agree with the NO FAULT idea. I have ADD and my wife doesn't. We are in couples counseling to learn better methods for communicating with each other in just these situations.
We agreed that this would not be about who is right and who is wrong but how do we say what we think and find a workable compromise.
It doesn't matter if his boss, or you, are wrong or right in their perception of his actions if the end result is that those perceptions end up with no job and no relationship.

There was a time where I was making 6 figures and I was much smarter than ALL of the people that outranked me. They knew it, and even said so. But, the bottom line is that I got fired from that job for being too proud and overstepping the boundaries of being right. I took an action that was "right" but made the VP of sales look like an idiot. Or it made him feel that I was undermining his authority. He used me as an example to the other 12 managers that he was the boss, right or wrong we do things his way or hit the highway.
Sure, I was right. But I screwed myself out of what could have been an early retirement with quite a bit of wealth because I wasn't willing to see it from their side and find a working compromise.

Good points. I don't care about right and wrong, I just want to communicate more effectively. I hope, however, that what we learn in counseling can carry over to his work. He's having trouble there, too.


I don't want to make excuses for him; I don't want to be an enabler. However, if he thinks I'm not standing up for him he gets angry. I guess that's the fine line, eh?

I am an ADDer and I'm single, so I guess I really don't belong in this forum, but...

Regarding excuses -- In my experience, excuses did not require any "effort" on my part. I truly believed it was the other people that were causing all the problems in my life, so I was just telling it like I saw it.

After I came to the realization that I was a major contributing factor to my problems, my mentality shifted from blaming others to blaming myself --but I still did not take responsibility for difficulties in my life. Instead I accepted blame from others, I apologized, I said I would try harder ...but in my heart, I felt like there was no way I could do better because I was just a screw-up.

A few years after I got diagnosed with ADD, I began working on changing myself --but it's been a very, very slow process and I still have a long way to go. I still have issues with blame. Nowadays I make excuse for other people and blame myself for everything. It is a huge relief when I hear other people talk about similiar difficulties they are having with a particular person or situation.

Blame is not the answer. It's not a me-or-you question. So what to do instead of placing blame? I dunno for certain, but I'd recommend that you get a therapist who is familiar with ADD. If your marriage counselor is not familiar with how ADD impacts a person and how it can affect both the ADDer and the ADDer's family members, then counseling may be a an act of futility (and frustration).

Your husband may not really accept that he has ADD or that having ADD impacts his life. People generally go through a grief cycle upon recieving a diagnosis of a chronic condition --I don't remember all the stages ...denial, shock, anger, acceptance. If your husband is willing & can afford it, an ADD coach might be helpful for your him. A coach could help him to learn about ADD (the good & the bad), help him to recognize how ADD impacts his life and help him to problem solve and develop strategies for dealing with the challenges that ADD presents in his life.

An idea for dealing with recurring problems is to pick one problem and work on that problem together. Try to identify the stumbling blocks of that problem. What things can he control? What things can you control? What things are out of anyone's control? Be careful that blame is not assigned in the process --just try to describe all the elements of the problem. Try to come up with some creative ideas for how to deal with the various aspects of the problem ...ADDers tend to be great at coming up with creative solutions (although it tends to be harder when the problems are your own).

I'd recommend that you get a therapist who is familiar with ADD. If your marriage counselor is not familiar with how ADD impacts a person and how it can affect both the ADDer and the ADDer's family members, then counseling may be a an act of futility (and frustration).

I requested someone who is familiar w/ ADD. We've agreed that we both have to like the person and be comfortable or we'll look for another. (my other requirement is familiarity w/ ADD)

Your husband may not really accept that he has ADD or that having ADD impacts his life.

He accepts it and is on meds. Believe me, I'm grateful he's willing to get help and not assume the meds alone are the answer. I just don't think he realizes to what extent it can affect him (and us, and his job etc). His current measure of success is that he thinks he's improving. That's not objective enough for me :-)

An idea for dealing with recurring problems is to pick one problem and work on that problem together.
That's what I hope counseling will do. And I hope what we learn carries over into his workplace.

Thanks for the replies. I'm glad to have found what seems like a positive forum. I was on one for a while but it was way too negative for me.

Good points. I don't care about right and wrong, I just want to communicate more effectively. I hope, however, that what we learn in counseling can carry over to his work. He's having trouble there, too.


I don't want to make excuses for him; I don't want to be an enabler. However, if he thinks I'm not standing up for him he gets angry. I guess that's the fine line, eh?
Does the counselor that you will be seeing have experience working with Adults with ADD?

Does the counselor that you will be seeing have experience working with Adults with ADD?
I don't know. We go next week.

As someone who's been through counseling with an ADD spouse, call and find out if the counselor has experience with ADD. Otherwise, you might wind up wasting your time.

Hi,

If after reading several of the other non add'er posts you feel like you've just read a synopsis of your life, then it's definitely HIM.

My dear sweet ADD'er is very good at explaining how it was everyone and everything else's fault as to why x, y, and z happened, or why she was late, didn't come through on a commitment, etc. Don't believe it; sift through the multiple levels of BS, and force the truth to come to light and make them deal with it.

Unfortunately, our loving understanding = supporting their excuse. It's a fine line we non add'ers have to walk, but ask yourself this - are you really helping him by enabling him to remain the same? There is a point where "stand by your man" no longer applies and it has to become "just do it".

If only our add'ers would put the energy that goes into making excuses into just doing it, then there would be far fewer problems for them.

Encouragement, understanding, and not enabling their excuses are good places to start.

Welcome to the club,

At_wits_end

To me it seems like you do not understand. It seems like you think that "just doing it" is something you can choose to be able to do.

To me it seems like you do not understand. It seems like you think that "just doing it" is something you can choose to be able to do.
You can if you want to bad enough with proper treatment, education, and more than likely medicine.

Why can't you?

You can if you want to bad enough with proper treatment, education, and more than likely medicine.

Why can't you?
I don't know if we're talking about the same thing. My point was that ADDers often have problems with low energy levels, procrastination, not knowing where to start and therefore feeling overwhelmed, etc. Then "just doing it" might be very difficult.

Of course these problems can and ought to be adressed by the ADDer, but the difficulties might still be there. What's important is to find a way to handle them. That way may be an unorthodox way, but it might be what works.

I don't know if we're talking about the same thing. My point was that ADDers often have problems with low energy levels, procrastination, not knowing where to start and therefore feeling overwhelmed, etc. Then "just doing it" might be very difficult.

Of course these problems can and ought to be adressed by the ADDer, but the difficulties might still be there. What's important is to find a way to handle them. That way may be an unorthodox way, but it might be what works.
Clear, then the question still remains.....does difficult=impossible? For me it doesn't. Yes, I feel the tiredness and all the same symptoms as you do, but I used brute force on my thought patterns, and now it is still difficult, but no, not impossible.

ADD'ers have a lot more power and choices than they are willing to own up to. I am starting to feel like it is the "in thing" to have ADHD and be proud of it. I have PTSD, but I'm not proud of it, and I'd rather have 5X ADD than PTSD.

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=procrastination

I think the low energy levels lead to the procrastination, but the definition leaves a lot to be desired.

I think some of us with ADHD need to have a heart for those who don't. I think you have that or you wouldn't post here. I also enjoy your posts on the main forum. :)

That's great that you are able to overcome these things. That's not always to case for people with ADD. Many times we really want to to something but not matter how "hard" we try we can't. Our brains just shut down. The pressure of knowing how much other want us to do these things makes it worse for us. That not saying we can't get these things done but many times it take a totaly different way of going to about them than the typical "non-ADD" ways.

That's great that you are able to overcome these things. That's not always to case for people with ADD. Many times we really want to to something but not matter how "hard" we try we can't. Our brains just shut down. The pressure of knowing how much other want us to do these things makes it worse for us. That not saying we can't get these things done but many times it take a totaly different way of going to about them than the typical "non-ADD" ways.
Tara, naturally I agree with this as I have lived it. It is a different way of doing things than for a non-adder; very different. It's also much more difficult, sometimes extremely overwhelming, and although I may have overcome many things due to my blissful unawareness of my ADHD, that does not mean I did not struggle. I did struggle, and I think sometimes it is harder to look back and see 'why' I struggled so hard, and yet had no 'reason' at that time.

Pressure was and is my career, so others expectations were, and are, very high. I hated that part, but now realize that I cannot expect them to see inside my head.

I suppose part of me is trying to bridge this difference between ADHD/Non-ADHD. There "has" to be compromise somewhere. I emapthize with both sides, and maybe I am hoping for a miracle........or more care from both sides.

Clear, then the question still remains.....does difficult=impossible? For me it doesn't. Yes, I feel the tiredness and all the same symptoms as you do, but I used brute force on my thought patterns, and now it is still difficult, but no, not impossible.

ADD'ers have a lot more power and choices than they are willing to own up to. I am starting to feel like it is the "in thing" to have ADHD and be proud of it. I have PTSD, but I'm not proud of it, and I'd rather have 5X ADD than PTSD.

http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=procrastination

I think the low energy levels lead to the procrastination, but the definition leaves a lot to be desired.

I think some of us with ADHD need to have a heart for those who don't. I think you have that or you wouldn't post here. I also enjoy your posts on the main forum. :)
I'm glad you enjoy my posts on the main forum. :)

One of my worst problems, probably the worst, is that I often can not use brute force to make myself do even things that I want to do, that are important to me and other people. I'm not talking about household chores here, but much more important things. Things that if I don't do them I feel that people will think that I don't care. I have huge problems getting up and a lot of things I haven't managed to do I haven't managed because when I've woken up all I've wanted to do was to go back to sleep. I don't know if I can say want because in that stage I'm usually not properly awake and my mind doesn't work as when I am.

The inability to do things can occur at other times as well. I'll give you an example: A couple of months ago I was going to my parents for dinner. I was really looking forward to it, but I never went because I just couldn't get myself to take a shower. It felt too hard. I felt so stupid when I called and said I wouldn't come. I cried because I really wanted to go, but I just couldn't do it.

Now, for those of you who might read this and think "taking a shower - too hard???!!!" I'd like you to think of something you find very difficult.

I think we need to listen to other people, it doesn't matter if we're ADD or not, and take what they say seriously (if they are). I don't want anyone else to tell me why can't you do this, why can't you do that. I'm doing it enough myself and I'm not going to belittle or not take others difficulties seriously.

To me finding out about ADD means that there might be ways, that I'm not a bad person. I may have to do things differently, I may need help; I'm allowed to ask for help. I wish I had asked for help when I was trying and trying and trying to do things and I only failed and failed and failed. Why didn't I ask for help instead of out of some kind of pride and believe I ought to do it myself keep banging my head against the wall "Everyone's supposed to be able to do this" I've come to hate the terms "will power" and "motivation". People saying "You can do things if you really want" and what was most important to me, what I really, really wanted I couldn't do it didn't matter how hard I tried. I'm crying now so I wont write anymore about this.

I just want to say that I understand that PTSD must be terrible. I know about it and can imagine to some extent what it would be like to have it. Why would you be proud of it? Something terrible has happened to you that caused it.

I don't know if this being proud of ADD that you're talking about is an American thing or something that you see on the Addforums. It's not an in thing were I live. On the other hand I don't know any adders here.

I think it's more of "being proud of yourself, trying to put ADD to your advantage"

There's a thread at the add forum at about.com about paralysis of the will.

To me it seems like you do not understand. It seems like you think that "just doing it" is something you can choose to be able to do.
**** Clearly, you're right! I don't understand. :) Fun time's over, on to the rant...brace yourself, i'm speaking plainly.

Everything we do or not do is a choice we make. Unless you want to talk about being taken hostage or something, obviously that doesn't count and is not a choice. Barring having a gun to your head, it's all about choices that we make or let life make for us. How that isn't obvious, I don't understand. Consider these questions that pretty much make up the majority of my personal complaints:

How can it be so hard to get up in the morning so you can get to work on time? The alarm goes off, you get up.

How can it be so hard to know that if you say you're going to do something that you should DO IT? Or AT LEAST own up to not having done it so I can do it because it HAS TO GET DONE, without me having to be sherlock holmes to discover that it didn't get done?!? It's called consideration for others and not being rude.

How can it be so hard to understand that the bills don't pay themselves, that the food doesn't magically appear in the refrigerator, that the house does not clean itself?

How can it be so hard to understand that "i have add" is a reason for struggling but not an excuse for failure?

How can it be so hard to just act like a responsible adult instead of a helpless child?

Sorry if what I say is harsh, but it's how we non ADD'ers (this one at least) feel when we are continually lied to, let down, and made to be the bad guy ALL THE TIME by our so called "loved ones". Did I mention the lack of appreciation that is shown for all of our efforts to not only take care of OUR "stuff" but YOUR "stuff" too doesn't help either?

I'm so tired of hearing "i have add" and being expected to just say "ok honey, it's fine that you don't have a job, can't take any responsibility, dont' have any life skills, because the bill collector will *surely* be as understanding as I am". What a crock of ****. Grow up and take some responsibility for yourself.

I have my issues too (we all do in case you add'ers don't realize it), but I somehow manage to get my butt out of bed and function in society so you can too. Stop spending your energy on making excuses and JUST DO IT! You'd be much better off if you did.

At_wits_end

When it comes to things like ADD, depression, anxiety, etc it's NOT just as easy as getting up and doing these things. People with these conditions have their brains wired differently that "normal" people. Because of the way your brain IS wired getting up in the morning when the alarm goes off and getting to work on time is something that you CAN do with very little problems.

What makes things sooooo frustrating for people affected by ADD is that people with ADD do understand things logically. But there is somewhat of a breakdown in the way the brain works between knowing and doing. If logically people with ADD didn't understand these things I think it might actually be less frustrating for those invloved.

No, people with ADD should not lie. Why do we lie? Well part of it is because we live in the moment and if getting people off of our back momentarily by lying is a more positve feeling that having to explain for the zillionth time why we haven't done it. If we always get negative responses when we do try to explain ourselves then that momentarty relief when lying actualy makes sense.

I don't think the phrase "I have ADD" should be an excuse for not getting something done. How ever it can be an explanation for why things are not getting done. If both partners can come to a better understaning of what ADD actually is then they can begin to try to find with better ways to deal with these things.