Being Non ADD I just don't understand I guess. My husband has just recently been diagnosed it's been just about a month now. I've always " been there" for him, but he just dosen't seem to care. I tell him frequently that I love him even before he was diagnosed and it just seemed he was a flake. I've always believed in him, supported his attempts to better himself, gone in shoulder to shoulder with him when he wanted to "change the world" knowing that while he had great start up ideas that I was going to be the one that had to deal with the details and the follow through. Am I wrong in thinking that love is give and take? That when you're in a relationship that you do things for each other to make life easier, that you're happy when you do soemthing that makes your partner smile? He says things to me now like "what do you think I owe you?" ;" I sometimes wish you didn't love me." and probably the most hurtful " I'm not going to be responsible for your happiness". It's not that I want him to be responsible for my happiness, to steal a line from Rod Stewert He's my lover and my best friend he's in my soul. We enjoy/enjoyed doing many of the same things but now it seems that he avoids doing anything I might enjoy because he might loose intrest in it and then I'll feel like he's rejecting me. He never says I love you anymore because he tells me it means something different for him than it does for me, but he hasn't been able to clearly tell me what it means to him; he points me to a web site he found that breaks it up into the 4 greek words for love and tells me that's a better way of looking at it. I'm trying very hard to fight the feeling that he's a selfish 2 year old that just wants everything for himself and isn't willing to give anything in return. It's very hard sometimes, i do love him I'd walk on water for him if I had to, but when I tell him things like that he just says .... "so?" Is this ADD or is he really just a jerk?

If he has just been recently diagnosed and he didn't say those hurtful things before, my guess he is just in denial. He hasn't truely accepted what he has and just needs the time to cope. Just be there for him. It is a phase that he will come out of....

I don't think ADD has anything to do with these behaviors, and I don't think your not having ADD has anything to do with not " understanding" him.

A blind man who stumbles over a piece of furniture is obviously blind.

If the same man stumbles over the furniture and then destroys it in a fit of rage, he obviously has a problem with his temper, in addition to being blind.
If he was suddenly cured of his blindness, his temper would still show up at the first provocation.
If he got a seeing-eye dog, he'd probably beat his dog.

If your husband was treated for ADD, he'd still be rude and a jerk; he'd just be a jerk being treated for ADD, rather than an untreated jerk. :p
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In all seriousness, those of us who have ADD on this forum are all here because we have chosen to do somithing about our problem(s). Some take meds, some don't. Some have coaches, some don't. Some have therapists, some don't.
Before we came here, we could be divided into two categories: Those who knew something was wrong with them, but didn't know just what it was, and those who thought they were fine and that everyone else had the problem.

For those who thought something was wrong with them, all they needed was a diagnosis. This was my experience. For the rest, it generally took something like an ultimatum from someone such as a spouse or an employer--"shape up or ship out".

It appears to me that your DH couldn't care less about his diagnosis; that is to say, he's not going to use that knowledge, or do anything with it.
I've met people who said, as they ordered another drink, "I'm an alcoholic".
I've met other people who said, as they introduced themselves at an AA meeting, I'm and alcoholic".
I think you see my analogy here.

Wow Swamp Donkey do you know my husband? He is deffinatley in the catagory that thought the rest of the world had a problem. He gets very angry when he feels he has to conform to anything ... like say the speed limit.... He's very stubborn it's like once he has an idea he's going to stick by it even if it proves to be wrong .... Some of his ADD behaviors have pushed many of his family members and his friends away ... I feel like he's trying to do the same thing to me. I'm not sure why, he's getting treated but I don't feel like he's very involved with the treatment. He's been to the Dr twice now and he dosen't ask questions dosen't ask when she thinks therepy will come in to play. I'm not sure if he gets distracted and it just slips his mind or if he's really not concerned with it ....

Your husband's behaviour has started to remind me of my X. He had a lot of these behaviours. We were not together for the amount of time you've been though.

I don't believe he was ADD, but I think he may have had Aspergers syndrome. He was very rigid in his patterns, he felt alienated from people. He said that he didn't know anyone not even himself. He hurt me very much, said the strangest things, but I don't know if he was mean on purpose or if he just didn't know what he did.
He was very charming and kind when you didn't know him very well. I think he was the kind of person you need to have a distance to. When you got close, eventually you saw that all he really cared about was himself.

sometimes people don't want to get too close to others because they will have to feel the pain when they inevitably disappoint them, and maybe their spouse and friends?

once or twice wouldn't bother anyone, but what if it happens on a regular basis and you knew it would always happen no matter how you tried to fix it?

how would one feel then? despondent, depressed, defensive? like keeping your distance, like discouraging people from being overly attached to you, or depending on you to come thru.

I think I might be there. Self protection. A lot of ADD folks are very sensitive.

Wonder how much is ADD and how much is personality differences? That's one of my questions when dh and I start counseling next week. It's confusing sometimes. Not that it matters which it is, but I like to know and try to understand those things. I also just started reading a book about 'love languages'. The premise is we all have different ways of 'feeling loved'. If our partner doesn't show love the way we want or need, it can get rough!

I understand that. One way I've noticed is that if you can figure out how the other person expresses love/affection, you can recognize it when you see it. Not that the old fashioned stuff is unappreciated, and which you could ask for when the time is right (not in the middle of tension situation).

I think men on the whole are a bit different anyway, and tend to to show devotion in work/deed terms rather than endearing behaviour terms, you know?

Dark Angel,

What is the type of treatment your spouse is getting right now? Is he on meds? and has he had the two doc appts to monitor the meds? I would suggest that you be sure to go to these appts with him if he will allow you do. You can probably give a much better evaluation for many things than he can concerning the meds.

If he has made these changes since diagnosis and medication, I am willing to bet the dosage is wrong or he is not on the right medication yet. It is very important to have someone who can tell the real story to see just how these are working.

Even if he has been like this for a long time, but it seems to be worse now, it can still mean not the right dosage or not the right medication. Sometimes it can be a sticky thing to tweak.

And, are you sure it is ADD? Was he thoroghly tested for other things too such as Asperger's or Bipolar? Maybe it would do you well to look up the criteria for those disorders also.

The hardest part if for us not to give up quite yet, now that he has a diagnosis and it has only been a month. Hang in there and come for support.

Hi DarkAngel,
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my forties and the diagnosis / treatment was bitter-sweet. I was relieved to discover that there were reasons for my struggles with the challenges and gifts that come with ADHD. There was also anger and sorrow for the misunderstood girl-child I once was and I went through a grieving process. With the new label, I felt unsure of myself in this new "role"; time, medication and support helped me heal.

He says things to me now like "what do you think I owe you?" ;" I sometimes wish you didn't love me." and probably the most hurtful " I'm not going to be responsible for your happiness".
These comments could be coming from someone who is feeling insecure and is scared of losing you.

We enjoy/enjoyed doing many of the same things but now it seems that he avoids doing anything I might enjoy because he might loose intrest in it and then I'll feel like he's rejecting me.
Sounds like fear of failure to me.

The book _Driven to Distraction_ is a good read for people new to ADHD.

Hang in there, DarkAngel, we're worth it!

Laura