I have always had the feeling that something was missing in me that everyone else had, and I've heard someone else here mention the same feeling. That raised my eyebrows. As I grew up I figured that there's not really anything missing in me, it just feels that way. But now I start to ponder and raise the question to the rest of you ADDers - have any of you felt that too? Like there's a hole inside you that should have something in it that's never been there? A void? Not depression...but something that's missing for full functionality, like a car missing a spark plug, or a cake that the baker forgot to put the sugar in? I don't know what it would be that's missing, or even how I'd know it was missing if I'd never had it...maybe because I could always see other people functioning properly and not struggling like I was. They understood what I didn't. I know I seemed to have been born without the common sense "gene"... but that's not quite it. It feels like it would feel if you were a marathon runner and doing the very best you can, and then finding out you're missing a foot. You knew something was missing, but didn't know what....

Yeah. The ability to understand what's going on around me and what people are saying to me - that's missing! Also, the bit that make you grow up (in the conventional sense) - that's missing too. I find that when I compare myself to people of the same age (I'm 30 this year) I just don't seem as old as them. I still feel like a kid.

To feel out of it, to not quite get it, when everyone else seems to know what’s going on and fit right in ? Left with the feeling you’re missing something, like trying to play the game of life but not knowing all of the rules ? Just when you think you have it all figured out, someone or something comes along and makes you realize you really don’t have a clue ? To always wonder “what am I missing here ?”
Yes, something’s missing – and I’m still searching for “it”.

yes, those things too. But they're a normal part of ADD, right? What I'm talking about, I guess, is feeling like I'm missing something inside. Maybe it's just my ADD making me feel like something is missing inside me. Maybe what I think I'm missing is whatever 'organ' it is that makes all those people know what the heck is going on when I'm don't, that makes them brave and assured, what makes them KNOW what to do when I never do. Maybe I'm thinking that means I'm missing a 'piece', when really it's just that that 'piece' isn't getting heard by my brain, but it's there.

Boy...what you two said...it's so good to hear that i'm not the only one who feels disconnected just like you said. Until recently i thought i was so stupid. I could cry with happiness knowing that you two experience the same 'loss' off connection with the world.

Yes... periodically... I dunno how to elaborate. But I feel it too.

Yes, I feel like this all the time, and now take it as "normal" for me. I cannot connect in crowds, have terrible trouble making small talk over "nothings" unless I am close to, or trust that person, which can take either years, or is instant.

I don't feel a deep connection to the world as an entirety. I often wonder if that is the PTSD part. So much has happened that my trust in humanity has gone; blown up, disintigrated.

Society on a whole seems to prefer people who are "in your face yelling like me, please like me" types, that someone like me who asks for nothing can quite nicely be left alone!

Either that or I get my foot in my mouth and say just what I think. I tend to treaure honesty for myself, and will give that and rather receive it than sympathy. Empathy is a quality I am never without, but sympathy? I'm not the right one to ask for sympathy, and am willing to admit it.

Some people don't seem to know the difference between empathy and sympathy; it's massive.
I feel no connection and know something is different, but am wondering if this difference is part choice. I know I have always been a non conformist, so it's inevitable that I feel "outside" sometimes, but that's ok with me.

I am "looking" and wish to explore Asperger's with High Function, and intend to bring this up with my Dr.
I know what you mean E-Girl, but I can't see it as part of my ADHD. I question PTSD as being the culprit, along with early childhood abuse. I have no real answers either. :)

I actually had a name for this feeling. It was worst as a teenager and consequently I always referred to it as highschool heart. I felt somehow incomplete, and as though all the people around me had or knew something I simply didn't. Sometimes it manifested as "everyone else having someplace to be or something to do" and me not, and other times I just felt as though I was walking around with a gaping hole in who I should be.

Recently, I have come to view this as a combination of highschool heart, and the fact that I never really had much of a relationship with myself. I had become so concerned with what others had to say (trying to fit in and avoid all the negative feedback that had become a way of life for me), and how they viewed me that I had ceased trusting or even listening to my own inputs on myself, my intuitions, or even being aware that I had many worthwhile traits all on my own. The more I came to know myself and like me, for me.... The more I began investing in my own interests and passions regardless of what others thought of them.... The more I put into myself and self care and being a friend to myself, the smaller that hole got. Now I have actually gotten quite fond of myself. I'm no prize to be sure, but I'm actually not a bad human being... WHO KNEW?!

I DID!!! I DID!!!

Bet Egirl knows too!!

Futs, you are a total sweetheart and both you an E-girl are angels who walk amongst us. Maybe I am too hard on myself at times, but I probably deserve that. Hee hee!

Reminds me of when I would get falsely accused as a child and severely punished. When my innocence came to light my parents philosophy was that I had probably done something to deserve the punishment. They were usually right... ;-) I got away with entirely too much as a child. Although most of it had more to do with insatiable curiousity and lack of impulse control than real behavioral problems (Like lack of impulse control isn't a behavioral problem, right?).

I think i know what you mean E-girl. I always had that empty spot inside of me. As a child and teen it was for me very hard , cause all i tried to do is to fill it up would anything mostly artificial drugs and alcohol. Just cause i felt so empty and incomplete. Like anything i have a hard time expressing myself. I still have that empty spot in me, but it seems like i grew around it, and that empty spot is not getting smaller, but i am getting bigger, so it does not feel so empty anymore.

Digitl who accepted many years ago that she was always going to be completly incomplete . :)

Life is all about the quest for completeness... In the end it's the journey that's important, because none of us has enough time to ever be complete. :-)

Dear E-family :)

I have been saying this about myself for as long as I have had speech...

WHY DON'T I "GET" "IT"?

For anyone who hasn't experienced the feeling, it's something like this:

Imagine yourself in a math class where everyone else has their head down-their pencils are flying as the instructor writes a problem on the chalk board to be solved.

You, on the other hand, are frozen-perhaps petrified, or even sweating-because you have NO idea what has been said, what has been asked of you, and what you are supposed to do about it.

I actually had dreams, with different variations on this theme-

I get on the bus, only to discover I:
A. Have no pants on
B. Still have curlers in my hair (that's how old I am:)
C. Am on the wrong bus, going the wrong way

I am on and off the same path E-boy is on...sometimes I really amuse myself...and I do cherish my good qualities...but it never seems to take much to upset my apple cart on a bad day. Still working on that!

Okay...so the common answer here is I am not alone in the "hollow" feeling. I am VERY glad to hear that! Now I just need to find a way to fill the hole with something.....twinkies perhaps?

E-boy's maybe? Hee hee I know there's a king size spot in my heart for you.

No worries, we'll find something to fill it with. Maybe self esteem? :-)

Stuck,

My apple cart gets upset often enough. E-girl can tell you that first hand as she has had to deal with my moodiness over it. Luckily I have her to give me the simple instructions to get out of my ruts that I can't think of myself, because I'm stuck in the past again. She's a guru, you know! We are still trying to figure out who carried her up the mountain, but there she sits... A little chicken told me.

You are so right E-boy. I have had the great oppurtinuty to work with elderlies and i also did hummmmmmm how do you say in english..you know when someone will die and you are some kind of a person that goes thrue that with them. And the ones that were really open about life and accepted their death , i have had the greatest conversation with. But i remember 2 things that they pretty much all said and it was that #1 Getting old sucked
and #2 Is to live and enjoy every minute. They did not care about what they had or what they earn and got as material things. It did not matter to them anymore if it ever did to some of them, and their conversations were very much about making some kind of retrospective of what , and who they were as a human being. A few dying person wants to make amends and apologize to love ones. It's sadly not always doable. So live and love today my friends.

Digitl who did not kill anyone before there time during that job, even by accident :D

E-boy's maybe? Hee hee I know there's a king size spot in my heart for you.

No worries, we'll find something to fill it with. Maybe self esteem? :-)

Stuck,

My apple cart gets upset often enough. E-girl can tell you that first hand as she has had to deal with my moodiness over it. Luckily I have her to give me the simple instructions to get out of my ruts that I can't think of myself, because I'm stuck in the past again. She's a guru, you know! We are still trying to figure out who carried her up the mountain, but there she sits... A little chicken told me.
You know...you're probably right Dan...it IS an E-boy sized void in me! It'll take a little stuffing and cramming to get you in there since you're about 5 times bigger than me :D
I AM a darn guru, aren't I! giggle By the way...my mountain needs mowed and there's biting ants up here....

hazards of living on a mountain top lady.

Truthfully, what you really need to do with that hole is fill it with an investment in yourself. I know that once you see the things the rest of us see in you that that hole will begin to fill with some healthy self esteem. Feel free to make a little birdhouse in your soul for me though. BOK! BOK!

I'm curious are you 2 a kind of a couple??

and did you meet in this forum?

Digitl who is just dying to know :p

The more I came to know myself and like me, for me.... The more I began investing in my own interests and passions regardless of what others thought of them.... The more I put into myself and self care and being a friend to myself, the smaller that hole got. Now I have actually gotten quite fond of myself. I'm no prize to be sure, but I'm actually not a bad human being... WHO KNEW?!
I couldn't express it any better!

Kim

We met in an anxiety disorder support group and I introduced her to these forums because she was just too cool not to invite and keep company with the rest of the cool crowd here. :-)

We are a couple, and I do hope our banter in the forum isn't a problem for anyone. Niether of us edits ourselves well. I do try to keep it relatively de-sacharined, but I'm a bit of a boob when it comes to these sorts of things. So, if anyone is doing the "OMG! SICKLY SWEET! VOMIT!" Cycle, kindly feel free to say so because both E-girl and I want this forum to be accessible and enjoyable to all without causing discomfort. On the other hand, if no one is bothered then I'm happy to share the fact that I finally have a partner in life who doesn't take me being who and what I am personally. Niether of us is perfect, but somehow our flaws don't matter to the other party. Call it a lucky accident. All I can say is, it's about stinking time the Irish luck started doing it's job!!!!!

I have always had the feeling that something was missing in me that everyone else had

You're not alone, Egirl.

I felt this way since I was a child. When I was a kid I was very much out of phase with my peers, and boy did they let me know it!

I thought that the other kids were communicating in a secret language that I could't grasp. I was out of it and lonely. When I did my usual babbling steam of consciousness no one seemed to listen or care. I think a large part of this was the ADD.

In adolescence, I learned to fake it. I also learned to hide my ADD symptoms and was no longer hyperactive in deed (only in thought). I had friends, but the feelings of incompleteness and isolation remained.

I used drugs and alcohol to eliminate those feelings. I was convinced that I felt like "normal" people when I was totally stoned or drunk.

This solutions didn't work for long and almost destroyed me.

Now, I find that the stimulant I take for ADD also makes me feel "normal," but in a good, funtional, socially beneficial way.

Understanding my ADD has also helped me feel more complete. My life makes more sense these days. I doubt myself less, and act out less, as well.

So, the ADD incompleteness seems to be under wraps, for me -- for now.

Then, of course, there's a spiritual (I don't know what else to call it) incompleteness that probably ALL people (not just ADD folks) feel at times. I still feel this sort of incompleteness, but I consider this to be progress! Nuff said.

Good to hear from all of you; I especially like E-boy's "highschool heart!"

Cheers,

Stan,

The term is from a song by David Wilcox. "Running on a tether, tearing at the ground, trying to find a way to break the chain..... This howling in the distance is a captivating sound... Can't tell if it's ecstacy or pain... Saturday they'll all be back again.... Yeah, Saturday they'll all be back again..." Or another part of the song, "Oh, don't you think the angels hear the passion of this Human race!" Wish I remembered the name of the song, but the album was "How did you find me here" and was released in '89 or '90. Pure poetry, from a one time itinerant performer who finally dragged his old yamaha accoustic into a recording studio.

You took your guitar to a recording studio E-boy?? Then what?? Did you record something?

I too have this feeling. Maybe it's because we (ADDer's) "hyperfocus" on things until we become bored. Then we switch to something else that stimulates us. We can be good at everything, but masters at nothing.

I know I feel this way about music. It feels like it is missing from my life. I played trumpet up until 6th grade then I just wanted to stop. When asked why, I said I don't know. Maybe it was because the notes on the music all ran together. If I were to look at sheet music, I would not know how to read it. I also tried guitar for a while, but again the reading music thing got in the way. I like to just improvise.

Here are some things that I've pursued:

Trumpet
Guitar
Classic Cars (68 Chevelle)
Woodworking
Snowmobiles
BMX Bikes
Mountian Bikes
Photography
Astronomy
Building Telescope
Astrophotography
Art (drawing painting)
Dungeons and Dragons
Football
Baseball
Track/Field
Cooking
Landscaping
Hunting/Trapping
Building Personal Computers
Model Trains
Model Rockets

There is a ton more too!

Hope others can relate to this.

- Tim

Holy cow!

No...my social anxiety and agoraphobia pretty much kept me from pursuing a whole lot. LOL I only did what I HAD to do, and spent the rest of my time hidden away writing poetry or drawing - along with growing up and raising kids and trying to hold together.
I'd much rather be like you! Action!

That can be arranged... First get the anxiety under control, and you've come so far, and then.... VOILA! There's a whole world out there to explore!

Ouch. are you sure I didn't write that! I have to admit the drug orgies were fun though. But I am paing the price now for years of neglecting to sort out who I am. I was so busy feeling 'normal' when I was high. Maybe I will find a med to make me live like th other people (only partial success so far).

Common scenario for me...esspecially babbling...also
for all - keep in mind that (Reactive) Attachment Disorders elicit many of the same behaviors. I truley think all ADDers have a touch of this at the least. The interestnig point is that the ADD condition may have casued the Attachment Disorder.

Attahcment Disordered people: hide true feeling, will be openly be imtimate with people they don't know too well (say thye wrong things at the wrong time), babble to control environment, keep busy to avoid thinking abuot one's self..so on. Couple all that with a low-self esteem from constantly "not getting it".

I only noticed one post in this thread where the preference was to not be engaged. My hunch is that this is the ADD behavior..it is easier to be left alone (not-stimulated)..it just feels better, for those who developed the Attachment problems (which to me from reading posts onthis board, appear to be a majority of people) there is a downward spiral because the attahcment behaviors keep thrusting you away from solitude and a calm state. The very state (calm) that miught let one sort things out.



You're not alone, Egirl.

I felt this way since I was a child. When I was a kid I was very much out of phase with my peers, and boy did they let me know it!

I thought that the other kids were communicating in a secret language that I could't grasp. I was out of it and lonely. When I did my usual babbling steam of consciousness no one seemed to listen or care. I think a large part of this was the ADD.

In adolescence, I learned to fake it. I also learned to hide my ADD symptoms and was no longer hyperactive in deed (only in thought). I had friends, but the feelings of incompleteness and isolation remained.

I used drugs and alcohol to eliminate those feelings. I was convinced that I felt like "normal" people when I was totally stoned or drunk.

This solutions didn't work for long and almost destroyed me.

Now, I find that the stimulant I take for ADD also makes me feel "normal," but in a good, funtional, socially beneficial way.

Understanding my ADD has also helped me feel more complete. My life makes more sense these days. I doubt myself less, and act out less, as well.

So, the ADD incompleteness seems to be under wraps, for me -- for now.

Then, of course, there's a spiritual (I don't know what else to call it) incompleteness that probably ALL people (not just ADD folks) feel at times. I still feel this sort of incompleteness, but I consider this to be progress! Nuff said.

Good to hear from all of you; I especially like E-boy's "highschool heart!"

Cheers,

I think it is way cool that you've met each other. And no please continue being your cute little selfs. I have been enjoying your posts, it's always a pleasure to see people being happy and enjoying the moments.

Digitl who is happily waiting for the right guy to come along :) and walk into her trap he he he!!!:p

Or would they walk in into her box...

Digitl who just remembered this was on another thread :p

I understand what you are saying E-Girl. I also understand what E-boy is saying. The hole in me was not a feeling as by way of self-esteem. I tried to fill it with material things.(if only I had this.... I would fill fulfilled) With relationships. (was love missing) Animals (just one more furry fuzzy thing and I will fill me up) The list goes on. Some days if feels like a gaping hole so wide and deep there is not a chance of filling it and other days it is small and just maybe the next little something will do the trick.. Is that kind of close to what you mean??

I am glad I don't seem to be alone in this.

The more I learn about me and push my limits the less space there is in me for emptiness but there is still that tiny space that says "Hey!!! what goes here?" I don't know yet maybe a new friend, maybe if I'm truly lucky and blessed a new baby shhh don't tell doug just yet *giggles*.

E-girl the farther you get in healing and the closer you get to knowing yourself the faster you lose patience with the pace of your progress. It's human nature..you see that your growing but dagnabit you want it now and you want it all. Who wouldn't?

Dan I think the banter between you and your chicken is beautiful, never once have I been offended. I did once have borrom some insulin from my mother though. lmbo JK and you know it. Don't hide a beautiful thing.

The more I learn about me and push my limits the less space there is in me for emptiness but there is still that tiny space that says "Hey!!! what goes here?" I don't know yet maybe a new friend, maybe if I'm truly lucky and blessed a new baby shhh don't tell doug just yet *giggles*.

E-girl the farther you get in healing and the closer you get to knowing yourself the faster you lose patience with the pace of your progress. It's human nature..you see that your growing but dagnabit you want it now and you want it all. Who wouldn't?

Dan I think the banter between you and your chicken is beautiful, never once have I been offended. I did once have to be hospitalized with high blood sugar after all the sweetness but a dose of insulin healed me. lmbo JK and you know it. Don't hide a beautiful thing.

True love is beautiful and precious don't hide it and don't deny it. It gives others hope that there is something wonderful out there for them and they deserve it too.

:o Sorry I edited that wrong. Ahh well I quoted myself, live, laugh and learn.

I've always felt significantly different than everyone else. I've felt like my experiences were different than someone else experiencing the same thing. Like I don't have as much enjoyment out of certain things or as much sorrow. Now that I think about it I've felt increasingly numb my whole life. It's like an undesirably constant objective point of view where nothing ever really affects me directly. I've drawn many conclusions, maybe it's a feeling of loss of control, maybe I never had control, maybe I'm just depressed, maybe I had a bad childhood, my latest conclusion is that I'm in a constant state of departure from whatever situation I'm in already. Thinking about the next thing before the first thing is complete I'm just never really all there in the first place. To answer the original question yes, I do feel a void inside.

I too have the empty feeling A-LOT. I too have tried to fill it with many hobbies, drugs, relationships, material things etc.

I found a solid spiritual foundation has been the most helpful in filling this void. Still like all else practice is the key.

Yeah. The ability to understand what's going on around me and what people are saying to me - that's missing! Also, the bit that make you grow up (in the conventional sense) - that's missing too. I find that when I compare myself to people of the same age (I'm 30 this year) I just don't seem as old as them. I still feel like a kid.
I am going to be 30 this year and i feel the same way to. i feel like a kid

all my life....................

E-girl has the "hole" gotten you into trouble trying to fill it?

Feeling of unreality (depersonalization) (http://www.mayoclinic.com/invoke.cfm?objectid=16267467-D9E8-4911-BA9E7DDBCC102069)

i just happened upon this article and thought it fit into this thread. it's interesting to read the medical take on the symptoms some of us recognise in ourselves.

healing,

w.

I think I feel the same thing all of you do. I've thought that material things, or another baby, would fill my life. I've thought it was just being me that caused me to feel so empty and tried to figure out how to be someone else, someone I'd like and respect.

I, too, haven't matured. I don't think my insides have changed one bit since I was 3. I still cope like I would have then, think like I did then, feel like I did then. I get excited at the first snow like a child. I am very childlike and I know it.

I came up with a theory about that one day after my psych mentioned to me that I'm very childlike in nature - speaking softly, slightly fearful innocent look in eyes, almost pleading not to be hurt, wearing pink, still loving little girl things. As I left her office that day I was very aware of myself and I noticed that I was taking tiny steps, with my head lowered and looking at the ground, as if I was trying to apologetically scamper to my car without making anyone notice me, because I knew I didn't belong out there. I feel apologetic all the time for being. I didn't grow up like the rest of them. I have nothing to add. I took the easy way out and stayed young. You see, I came up with the theory that maybe I didn't mature because if I appear young and unreliable, no one will ask me to deliver something I can't. They won't expect anything from me. And that keeps me from having to show them that they're right. I am safe in my immaturity. Soft spoken, small, childlike, shy, vulnerable. That's who I was when I started out, and I never grew. I couldn't because I knew I lacked the right to, because I didn't have everything in me that the others did. So I'm apologetic in nature, in mannerism, in thought. Apologectic for existing.
I admire every single other person alive. I idolize them all, that includes all of you. I hold you all above me. I'm sorry I'm here and in your way and a reminder of how a person can develop wrong - by not developing. That is how I feel.
I'm not strong like the rest. I'm not intelligent like them. I can't keep my life in order, stick to set rules with my children, or stand up for myself. I can't go to college. I can't be proud of anything I've done like they are.
E-boy, I wish I could see me like you do. I wish I could understand why you think I am worthy. I would like to be able to see that and hold onto it so I wouldn't feel judged and apologetic around others. I've done things myself that I would admire if another did them, but since it was me that did them I know they're not admirable. I wish I could see me through your eyes E-boy, and others have told me that they admire me too, but I never believe them. Either they're just being nice to not hurt my feelings, or they don't know me very well at all. I'm terrified that if I was able to see myself through anyone else's eyes, I would look even worse than I do to myself.
I used to hate myself. Loathe. Not anymore. At some point in my 30's I started to root for myself. I want good things for me. I want me to be happy. I want to be proud of myself. I want to be able to control myself, not be silly, sound to others like I'm highly intelligent, have others value what I say, be brave enough to try new things and practice until I'm talented at them. I want to be brave enough to make friends. And smart enough to keep them. I want to be a woman, not a little girl.
But....I'm not. I am who I am. That's what I finally realized during a very low point in my life when I started to root for me for the first time. I would like to have a conversation with me, although I feel others can't possibly enjoy it. I would like to hang out with me. I like me. But I'd still like to be someone I'm proud of.
Totally got off topic there.... the hole. I guess to me the hole is the big question, "Why aren't I like everyone else? Why don't I understand what they understand? Why must my mind struggle to do what comes so easily for them! Why am I so afraid and they're all so brave?"
I want to feel like I fit in. The void is whatever is missing that keeps me from fitting in. My whole life (before recent meds) I would sink into deep deep depressions. I was always frozen with fear. Fear of people. Fear of living.
If my void is lack of self esteem, and my self esteem isn't as high as my value is, how do I learn to see myself in truth? I am 40 years old. I can't imagine spending my whole life like this so far and then suddenly learning to see me in a whole new light.
Sorry this is so long.
I just want to thank those who posted kind words about E-boy and I talking to each other here. E-boy is very special to me. When I was very young I hoped for a good man, but early on I learned there weren't any, they were all the same. I met my ex at 15, he was my first b/f and we were together ever since. I didn't know it mattered which man I chose to marry since they were all the same. I wanted to escape from my parent's house. I never loved my ex. He was abusive and horribly cruel. But I loved my children with all my heart. Honestly, I felt I deserved my ex's dislike of me, and he constantly reinforced that thought in me. I had never been in love before I met E-boy. I had given up on the idea of a man like him when I was still a child. I had given up on someone loving me. At 40 years old I fell in love for the first time. I still am blown away that there are nice men in the world. I was very isolated in who I honestly interacted with and truly believed all men were the same - cruel and hated me.
I poured my guts out here in this post. Why do I do that?? I wish I'd stop because I always figure it just gives people more reasons to dislike me. But I can't seem to stop being me. And I've never been able to be anything but completely open.
This post is my true feelings. I try to hide them and act a little less worthless normally. But they are my true feelings.

E-girl has the "hole" gotten you into trouble trying to fill it?
Much much trouble Lilgoomer. Messed up my life numerous times.

But a thought occurred to me....if you all feel this hole too then how can it be that I'm missing something that makes me worth less than everyone else? You guys are some of the everyone else and if you feel the hole in you too......
i don't know what that means, can't digest it....

Yes-hard to explain but I have some of the void feeling too. But I know that I'm not "depressed" or for that matter, an unhappy person. But not being able to stay focused at many times is a real drain and frustration. Sometimes I wonder if I take in so many things that I shut down a tad just out of fatigue! And it dismays me to not always be processing through what I'm trying to do.

Feeling of unreality (depersonalization) (http://www.mayoclinic.com/invoke.cfm?objectid=16267467-D9E8-4911-BA9E7DDBCC102069)

i just happened upon this article and thought it fit into this thread. it's interesting to read the medical take on the symptoms some of us recognise in ourselves.

healing,

w.
Wheezie, depersonalization is one of my dx. I don't understand much about it. And the article didn't clear it in my mind. The times I step out of my body and look 'down' on what's going on with my shell and the other person is what got me my dpersonalization dx. When I do that I am not affected by what's happening to the Susan down there, I am a 3rd party, not being hurt, can see the situation more clearly as I'm not being hurt. And I react for 'her'. I speak calmly. I try to reason with kindness. It's like watching a tv show. It's a great feeling to be detached from yourself in a stressfull situation. And since no one can see you 'up there' they can't get you.
I'm sure depersonalization means a lot more than that, but that's all I know of mine.

Much much trouble Lilgoomer. Messed up my life numerous times.

But a thought occurred to me....if you all feel this hole too then how can it be that I'm missing something that makes me worth less than everyone else? You guys are some of the everyone else and if you feel the hole in you too......
i don't know what that means, can't digest it....
You are not worth less...only you think so...we have all (well many of us) have mad the bad choices (i.e. played with fire, drugs, lots of one night stands, bairly studied in college, dealt drugs, you name it) all to avoid thinking about the 'hole', feeling empty and board. some of us are just lucky and luck is just a result of the spirits shining down on you.

Luck is random. (Note: KARMA is not i.e. things come back three fold whether bad or good based on the bad or good you put out there), but LUCK is just a random part of the fabric of the universe. why else would (jus a mad up example) an ax murderer win he lottery? He has done enough bad to not have any good.

the hole is really just this empty feeling from not being able to fit in, connect with society or along those line. Again I revert back to my theory of Attachment Disorders and ADD. This hole is an attachment problem, a discontentment with one' self. I do not think this is the direct ADD part but the result of having ADD which effected your behaviors which in turn caused you to have Attahcment issues.

This forum which helps, in itself enables our disorder so you have to be careful (i.e. sharing intimate things with strangers, while not sharing these things with the people closest in your life).

E-girl esspecailly you- you are not worth any less and do have some luck. Seems you had a troubled past but are hear to discuss it, I know (well knew) some people who never made it this far (fell victim to drugs, alcohol) not to mention you are doing something about it. It is okay to cry poor me now and then esspecuially when youhave a condition but you also need to pick up your boot straps and go fight the good fight.

I am LOL' sorry. This seems to have turned into a football half time speach. Anyway keep doing what you are doing (meds, therapy) Keep talking, i works and most people hate it because it is hard work (even though for me I feel weak/whimpy for needing to talk - I don't do it enough but I don't hold every thing in unitl it's too late anymore.) ooop rambling I'll stop now.

Yeah - I know the hollow feeling. You described it very well. When I was younger and drinking way too much, I remember literally hoping that if I drank fast enough it would fill it in. Sometimes I eat food that way too. I can inhale my food. Not quantities, but fast. I've always felt it as not just an emotional feeling, but practically a physical feeling as well. It is a bizarre thing to describe, I'm glad that you did.

I can not say that I have found a good way to fill it in.. I know I have this feeling as well. Much of it.. even moreso lately.. yet I find some meditation at times can help. I am no pro at it but I am trying. I have to. It is a grasp of different methods that we must attain. Not easy .. that is all I know...

But a thought occurred to me....if you all feel this hole too then how can it be that I'm missing something that makes me worth less than everyone else? You guys are some of the everyone else and if you feel the hole in you too......
i don't know what that means, can't digest it....


i feel this hole in me too. when i look inward, i feel a sense of worthlessness that others don't see. in fact, i feel like "if they knew the truth, they'd hate me too. the only thing i feel like i'm really good at is hiding the real me, the one everyone would despise." this is called "shame" and it's not the truth, for anyone. (including me, i suppose...)

this sense of being less than everyone else, it's a lie someone told us. our only fault is in believing the lie. but, what else can we do until we learn that the worthlessness and shame we feel *is* a lie? once we start to see the truth though, then we have an obligation to start trying to incorprate it into our reality. "now that we know better, we can do better." maya angelou said something along these lines and it feels right.

the truth is, you are just like everyone else, susan. you are worthy of love, and compassion. that's the truth! and it's the truth for each and every one of us!

including myself, even though i don't feel like that's true for me. it must be. mustn't it? it must....

so, maybe we need to try holding on to what we wish were true until it *becomes* true.

i think what you described in that quote above is the "truth" for each one of us who've suffered like this. to some extent, we've all felt that everyone is worth more than we are. we are the lowest of the low. but, how can that be true? if i'm pathetic and miserable and everyone else is worth more than 100 "wheezies" and you feel the same way, then who is right? which one is true? they can't both be true....

actually, i have a feeling that they are both false. i get this feeling that maybe those things people say about me being a good person, maybe they are a little bit true? maybe i need to trust them, since i don't yet trust myself.

why is it so hard to believe the good things someone says about you, yet so easy to believe the bad?

i think the hardest part is that no one can show us the way out of this type of thinking. we each need to make this discovery for ourselves. the nicest thing anyone can do for us is to hold our hand, and keep reminding us that we aren't alone, even when we feel like we are. they can show us what it looks like to be at peace - to be whole, but, they can't find our missing piece for us.

it's nice to have someone around who believes in us, even when we don't believe in ourselves.

one more thought, and this one is all wrapped it with feelings of shame. that feeling that we are inherently unworthy. that "if they knew the real me, they'd hate me too." that gift of shame that somewhere along the line someone gave us. it's time to take that "gift" to the dump!!!

i'm starting to get the inkling, that, for me anyway, the first step in heaving off this load of shame is to get good and pi$$ed at the lying liar who first gave me the gift.

maybe i'm wrong though, maybe the first step is the one you're taking now. maybe the first step is recognizing that the hole is there.

maybe it doesn't matter which step comes first, as long as we don't remain crippled by fear and self-loathing. as long as we keep taking steps, no matter how small, or in which direction....

you may not feel brave susan. but you are. putting yourself out here like this. it's *huge*. and i thank you for doing it. you've given me a great gift. you've shared with me a bit of your courage. so, now i'm out here with ya. feeling like a bit of a fool for bearing my soul. hmmmm, guess that makes me a little bit brave too? (even though i don't feel brave)

and there are *way* to many days - the *really, really* bad days, when i feel like none of this matters.

mute,

w.

Wheezie, what a wonderful reply. Very insightful, and empathetic.
I do feel like I'm not as good as the others though, one big reason is the fuzziness in my head all the time. I can't think clearly. I don't function as well as they do.

E-girl, I can understand that .. similar feelings here.. just wonder though if this is what affects our emotional as well to people we "want" to show love for and can't or wont due to fear.. is this "fuzziness in our heads" the reason or one of them? what do you think?

Charismasdream,
I'm having a little trouble interpreting your question. Are you asking if the fuzziness causes, or is one of the causes, of being afraid to show our affection to people we love?
If that's the case, then it begs the question - are you afraid to show love Charismasdream? And if so, is it because you're afraid you'll be rejected by them because you're fuzzyheaded?
I often wonder what the fuzzyheadedness IS. What is causing it? Why does it feel like our brains have a cotton cloud in them? And what all does the 'fog' effect in our thinking? I know it makes it difficult for me to retract memories, remember to do things, listen, pay attention, do math, speak coherently and without losing what I'm saying halfway through. But it never effects my expressions of love. It doesn't get in the way of that at all for me. I love very hard. Very intensely. When I love someone, they KNOW it. I am completely open to loved ones and tell them every time my heart swells with love for them.
So Charismasdream, if you're having trouble expressing love, I would guess that could be a different issue entirely. Some form of self protection? Fear of rejection? Are you totally open with your loved ones about your ADHD and what it does to you? What it feels like inside your head? Or do you keep it secret from them for fear of their disapproval of you over it?
OR....did I totally misinterpret your question? :D which could be totally possible! I'm all ADHDish you know..... hehe

. I love very hard. Very intensely. When I love someone, they KNOW it. I am completely open to loved ones and tell them every time my heart swells with love for them.
ok to be honest I was just curious on how some may think. I actually have love .. big time!! o do I..and that quote I have taken out from you up there is all of the rave with my heart.. I am a loving romantic. I can only get worried to show too much at times.. my thing is .. some do have these issues and they are ADD and feel afraid.. could it be something due to the "fuzziness in our head" we speak of.. yes that is sort of confusing. I wonder.. trying to comprehend due to knowing of others with this issue that have ADD..

hey charisma,

i was thinking about this and i think i know what you mean. it's like we can love within every inch of our being. we can feel that love for another. and at times it even feels like it's too much, too intense, like we'll scare the ones we love away. like the of the love we feel for another scares us and quite possible the one we love too.

and other times, when we feel like the hole in us is too big, then we wonder why anyone would ever love us.

like that? wheezie

hey charisma,

i was thinking about this and i think i know what you mean. it's like we can love within every inch of our being. we can feel that love for another. and at times it even feels like it's too much, too intense, like we'll scare the ones we love away. like the of the love we feel for another scares us and quite possible the one we love too.

and other times, when we feel like the hole in us is too big, then we wonder why anyone would ever love us.

like that? wheezie
yes.. that is how.. especially the part of feeling it may be too much and so intense that I feel like I will scare the one person I love away. I can feel that even at this very moment. He knows I love him. He knew but basically got it out of me to confirm. I am happy I did. Yet I can not give him what I want yet and he feels he is not ready. It is understandable to me in this fashion. But what if it is because he feels I love too much? I donno. Just a thought. You are on point Wheezie..

Ok, now I understand, thanks Wheezie. Yes, I have felt that too. I want to grab my teen boys and squeeze them and kiss them all over their faces and tell them i love them over and over. I constantly do nice things for them. sweet things, just so they'll know i love them. i say it about 100 times a day. sigh! i just can't get it all out of me though. and i feel the need to get it all out, like it's going to make me burst if i don't. And with Dan. I want to slobber all over him and sing to him and write him poetry of my love every frickin' day and kiss him til his lips are swollen and sore and sit him down and try with every word i know to get across to him how much i love him. How it's SO much. I think feelings that strong could scare people. I know my teen boys don't appreciate it! LOL poor guys... Do I think ADD causes this? Well....I don't know....there seems to be a belief that ADDers have big hearts and love hard. Or maybe it's from anxiety or depression? which often go along w/ ADD. Or maybe we HAVE ADD and anxiety and depression BECAUSE we have big hearts! LOL

so .. maybe we should start a thread on this .. find out what others think? ?? I can.

Good idea Charismasdream! Go for it sweety!

:cool: Good idea Charismasdream! Go for it sweety!
done deal

I have been really thinking about that hollow spot inside of me. And i think , for me as a child at a very young age, i understood things i could not explain. As far as i can remember i was always been misunderstood on my thoughts, my intentions ect. If i saw good everybody else saw bad. Where i saw bad others saw good. ANd i remember going to bed crying myself to sleep, having this terrible feeling of helpleness inside of me, and i felt so so alone. How can you explain yourself when you are 3 yrs old, with what little vocabulary you have. I still today have dreams of total , terrible feelings of helpleness. and i get up and i am all upset and want to kick butts LOL..I think that people who experiences this hollow feeling have touch the bottom of the barrel of loneliness.

Digitl who as been trying to running away from that hole most of her life. Who wants to go back there. :eek:

Ok, now I understand, thanks Wheezie. Yes, I have felt that too. I want to grab my teen boys and squeeze them and kiss them all over their faces and tell them i love them over and over. I constantly do nice things for them. sweet things, just so they'll know i love them. i say it about 100 times a day. sigh! i just can't get it all out of me though. and i feel the need to get it all out, like it's going to make me burst if i don't. And with Dan. I want to slobber all over him and sing to him and write him poetry of my love every frickin' day and kiss him til his lips are swollen and sore and sit him down and try with every word i know to get across to him how much i love him. How it's SO much. I think feelings that strong could scare people. I know my teen boys don't appreciate it! LOL poor guys... Do I think ADD causes this? Well....I don't know....there seems to be a belief that ADDers have big hearts and love hard. Or maybe it's from anxiety or depression? which often go along w/ ADD. Or maybe we HAVE ADD and anxiety and depression BECAUSE we have big hearts! LOL
I think there is something to overly affectioniate and ADD. Plus do you feel slighted when it is not returned? Sometimes it wells up inside me overtime? I will go days to see if the affection is initiated by others and all the while it is driving me mad not to be affectionate (overly affectionate).

There was another post I read recently and I think DRAGA had mentioned the need to give backrubs. Hello...same way. My partenrs used to get hugs, backrubs , you name it everyday and I mean every day for like two hours. It sound like a good thing but it can wear on someone affer a while. I need to touch esspecially when I was yonger. I am starting to mellow out but that is through learned behavior and awarness that not everybody is so touchy/feely. I have slowed down (and try not to take it personal) out of repsect for others around me and there preferences. I know who loves me or not despite the lack of excessive touching.

I have said it before and will say it again. You can tie ADD to Attahcement Disorders any day of the week.

So Digitl, your hole is emptiness, lonliness, misunderstood. My hole is a human trait that I'm missing. The hole is the spot where it should be. Whatever I am missing that would make me 'normal'. It's as if while I was being born I went through a Star Trek transporter, but part of me didn't come through. It's not a feeling of loneliness or missing something in my life ( although I have those feelings too, but elsewhere). It's so hard for me to explain. Let me try this way;
I have always known that there was something wrong with me. My head was fuzzy inside, I never functioned as well as the others, couldn't understand what was going on, but everyone else did. I always felt lost in confusion. The 'missing' part that fits in the hole I have inside of me is the part that completes me as a person, makes me tick right.

Meh, what are attachment disorders?

Dear E-girl..

I dont know how to Thank You for this thread but am really glad to find the inputs, queries from You and everyone in here.

I was born with a certain awareness and also this hole in my being..and there existed so many of me in parallel universe..I could feel wholesome in one instant..and would feel so proud of myself and soulfull..but this feeling would not last for much time..and I would then get back to my other self...the one with a hole in my being..and then I started chasing myself..trying to fill the void in myself with knowledge, understanding, seeking relationships, friendship, love, trying to fill the void with material things..and nothing worked..and i stil feel the hole in my heart.

as if being incomplete..and it pains my heart..for if there is one thing that I have always wanted to be..its to be wholesome and Authentic, True to myself..and wear my head n heart proudly.

I have been looking and asking this question in many forums and chat rooms..and strangely no where got any reply as if this had to do with me alone...and none faced this..

it helps to know that there are others who feel like this..That I am not alone..such conversations really help me figure out ways with myself..and many a times heal the wounds of past,abuse, so many things..

I find love very endearing and is always inspiriing..so keep it going E-girl and Eboy in these threads, so that the others too will be warmed from what you share..

hope to share more on this thread..right now its 3 am and although am perfectly awake..my brain is numb..


Wishing Everyone a Wonderful Day Ahead,

With Love,

Nachi

Love is a fruit in season at all times, and within reach of every hand.
--Mother Teresa

Ok, I know Im completely behind in this post but I just want to say Im excited to realize I'm not the only one that feels like a completely different person compared to the rest of the world..that Im a world away, and yes the hollow feeling..kind of like I know who I am but never can fully figure it out. Stuck, what you said many posts back about the math class...I feel like that everyday at school and I have dreams like that alll the time. Frusterating, aren't they?

A few months before I went and got a diagnoses for ADD, I was in a deep depression because I had this giant numb, void feeling within me. I almost felt like my physical body was there but my mind and spirit were gone. I couldn't figure out for the life of me why I felt like this and it was probably the worst days of my life. Of course, when I got diagnosed with ADD, it all came to light and was very comforting. Is this the hollow feeling you're talking about?

I have been really thinking about that hollow spot inside of me. And i think , for me as a child at a very young age, i understood things i could not explain. As far as i can remember i was always been misunderstood on my thoughts.
I can so relate to this quote. I remember when I became "self-aware". The point in your life that you realize you are human, an animal. I think I was in 2nd-3rd grade. I tried to explain this to my friends and they were like, "What are you talking about!". :)

- Tim

Life is all about the quest for completeness... In the end it's the journey that's important, because none of us has enough time to ever be complete. :-)
I understand what you all are saying as I have felt it also..........

But maybe its becuse we live amongst the 95 % of the population that seem to think that its important......... whatever it is

we are comparing ourselves to a segment of the population that is different from us

would we feel this way if we lived in a society that had 95 % ADDers and 5 % Linerars

I am quite happy not understanding most of their trivial little lives as I feel quite happy that I am more conected to nature, and the real world around me , and not in touch with their little idiosyncrasies that they feel are so important........

and maybe I am getting to vocal on this paticular topic

so I will go to my corner

Nachi - I'm so glad that the topics I bring up help you. It is only here that I can ask about such untangible, soul searching, 'Maybe-It's-Just-Me' topics and be met with acceptance and understanding instead of being laughed at. Believe me, I tested the waters here first before letting it fly and posting such vulnerable threads. ;) I have struggled with these questions all my life too, and it is heaven for me to get responses and feed back and whole other views. And Thank You! for your warm approval of E-boy's and my posts! We feel very happy to be accepted as a couple in this 'family'.

Wheresmykeys - I've NEVER been able to figure out who I am! You'd think by 40 I'd finally know the woman in the mirror but nope! I don't change, I just can't get to know myself. Veeeery frustrating!

Thoughthopping - I have had times in my life where I went numb too, seperating my mind from my body, and turning my mind's dial down to hibernate. It is a horrible feeling - because there is no feeling. One time I got stuck in it for a month. It was the closest I've come to hell on Earth. It made me realize I'd rather have all sad feelings than no feelings at all. The other times it happened for a different reason, shock, and didn't last as long. That was self preservation and I don't regret it.
You asked, "Is this the hollow feeling you're talking about?" and I think one of the wonderful things that has come out of this thread is finding out how many different variations there are in the hollow feeling, from person to person. To me, the hole is the spot where a missing piece should be that I was born without, the missing piece that would have made me a complete person. To others it's a hole that cries to be filled with love or attention or a myriad of other things they are lacking in their lives. To even others, it's something else. It's got a commonality in all of us though, it's a hole where something should be, something that's missing. And we know we're incomplete without it.

LOL Garry. Not too vocal for me! As a matter of fact you woke me up to a possibility I'd never even seen! - I always assumed I was born without the missing piece because I felt it for as long as I can remember, but maybe I wasn't born missing anything, maybe it's just that very early on I could tell that I was different from others and assumed I had been born without something they had. A child wouldn't naturally assume that she's just different from everyone else naturally, a child would assume that there is something wrong with her if she's not like everyone around her.

Jeez, thank you Garry. You may have just answered my life long quest for my missing piece. I will mull this over, but it feels right.

I can so relate to this quote. I remember when I became "self-aware". The point in your life that you realize you are human, an animal. I think I was in 2nd-3rd grade. I tried to explain this to my friends and they were like, "What are you talking about!". :)

- Tim
I know but on the other hand it's kind of cool, looking back on it

Digitl who dances to You cant touch this...:D

Talking about becoming "self-aware" and uderstanding things noone else does long before they figure it out, does everyone here also feel like they know things other people dont? Or they are just more intuitive or something? i don't really know how to explain this, but I can just pull things out of the air that make non ADDers really wonder what Im talking about. Drives me nuts sometimes!

yeah i felt so different when i was little. once i even believed that i was actually a robot disguised as a human.

Old ADD warrior warns newcomers (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showpost.php?p=8885&postcount=1)[single post] ( Full Thread (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1386&highlight=ADD+warrior+warns+newcomers) )


How many Stages of ADD are there (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1857&highlight=stages+ADD) ( Stages posted by Smooch (http://www.addresources.org/newsletter_sample.php#journey) )


Just for a moment close your eyes and think about how a Linear Thinker would feel in An ADD World (http://www.addforums.com/forums/showthread.php?t=1316)

yeah i felt so different when i was little. once i even believed that i was actually a robot disguised as a human.

Thats what society wants us to be

and we refuse

we rebel

we don't participate



and we suffer the consequences

You know, I always did feel that hollow spot -- I always thought it was because I was adopted, but who knows. Maybe ADHD plays a part too. It was like this insatiable hole that I couldn't ever fill -- finally figured out it had a leak!

Scattered

LOL Scattered! :D

Gary,

I think you and I are very much on the same page. It just took me a very long time to appreciate who and what I was, and what that meant to me.

Darn the luck, out of coffee.... Now I've got to find something else to fill up the empty spot! HMMMM... Root beer? It'll do. ;-)

Talking about becoming "self-aware" and uderstanding things noone else does long before they figure it out, does everyone here also feel like they know things other people dont? Or they are just more intuitive or something? i don't really know how to explain this, but I can just pull things out of the air that make non ADDers really wonder what Im talking about. Drives me nuts sometimes!
This happens to me all the time. I instinctively "feel" the answer to something but am unable to explain it. So I have to tell people that I know the answer but can't tell them the reason - this drives other people nuts. I'll them wake up in the night 3 days later with a lucid explanation in my mind. And I always turn out to be right!

I was just reading through this thread again, and Chameleon's description jumped out at me. I do feel like is a literal piece of me that is missing. I can even put my hand on my ribs to show you exactly where it is, er should be. I've been starting to understand lately what my true perception of myself is. What I mean by that is that I used to "buy into" the image that I would try to project for others to see, so they wouldn't see the chaos in me. Now I'm starting to understand what it means to not like myself, and that it is and has been very true for me. I wonder if that part of me that I am missing is tied to my lack of understanding of why my wife loves me so much, or that people I think highly of actually see me as being a great person. My closest friend in the world, like a brother to me for 25 years, can sing my praises and tell me how valuable I am in his life, etc... and I honestly don't get it. I mean, I understand intellectually that he sees me like that, but I sure don't understand it. I wonder if that hollow empty feeling is really just a wall keeping me from seeing that part of me. Like maybe it is really there, I just don't think it is?

Foggyphil

I can relate to what you are saying entirely. I am complimented all the time how I am such a positive smiley person but yet on the inside I am so messed up. I'm a professional at portraying that there is nothing wrong with me. What is really wrong with us is what I really would like to know? What is the missing piece to the puzzle?

I think I'd like to hear how some of you that have been here a while respond to sweethearsok's question. I believe that the part of me that people see is real. Even though I feel like a fraud, I think that I just can't get to the same parts of me that they see. So, what I wonder about if the actual ability to see that part of myself is what is missing, or if the ability is just blocked for me by something else. And if it is blocked, then it is something I can work through, or is it a biological part of me. In other words, will I ever get to see and/or experience that part of me, or will I just have to learn to believe that it is there, and keep reminding myself that my perception is not complete? And to be totally honest, I'm not sure which answer would be the scarier of the two.

I hope this isn't changing the focus from the original intent of the thread, so let me know if you feel hijacked.