Just curious about how other ADD adults handle confrontation??!!


When I know that I have to confront somebody or a situation, I feel very confident that I will be able to handle the situation properly...............but then when I am actaully in the situation with confronting somebody, I loose all confidence & usually end up saying the wrong thing :(


How do others deal with confrontation???

Does anybody have any confidence techniques that you would be willing to share??

Ditto for me. Actually many times I realize I am over my head quickly and then freeze. I have a dear in headlights look. Then I am so interanlly freaked out I have trouble hearing what the person is saying to me.

I have to admit the meds I was on recently did help somewhat with this but not enough when weighed against the side effects. I am trying to get bak on track with a new psychiatrist and physcologitst (just changed both of them) and will try some different meds.

One great thing to do aside from meds is to prepare yourself before the event (of course some confrontations just pop up). Make a short list of concerns ideas and keep it in front of you. The number one best thing in mylife (as far as dometic problems etc..) is that my wife is an early warning system. She will call me before I leave work and give me a heads up..this prepares me to enter the situation slowly. I don't usuallyflip out but just say the wrong thing..so slowly for me is more important than calmly. Last but not least I try real hard to let the other person just speak..let them go they will run out of gas eventually (but be careful sometimes poeple view this as passive aggresive), pause then respond.

It is one of my big problems too so maybe my techniques aren't working either..it would be good to read more

I usually deal with confrontation by shrinking, my voice becoming barely perceptable. I really hate confrontation.
I will take the blame for things that aren't my fault to stop the other person's anger.
Now, if I get pushed REALLY hard and insulted or treated very badly or someone hurts a loved one of mine I am Superwoman in my confronting.
That doesn't happen very often though, so mostly I'm the shrinking violet.
See, I either shrink, or explode. LOL I haven't mastered it or even found the control panel. :D

This is tough stuff. Assertiveness practice is a good answer. Cognitive behavioral therapy defines "assertive behavior" as behavior that makes your position clear, or protects your interests without being unduly agressive, or passive.

I had to learn to do this and I still often avoid confrontation. One thing I used to kick myself for, that is amazing helpful when I put it to the right use, is an old tendency I had to run all sorts of imaginery, but possible, social scenarios through my head and imagine what I would do, how I would comport myself, what I would say, and who it would be said to in what tone inflection, etc... I used to kick myself for this because oddly enough, a lot of the situations I'd imagined came up and when they did I felt completely artificial and shallow when I did what I rehearsed, accidentally, as clearly the right response. So, I'd often avoid the right response and adlib disasterously. Now when it happens, I let it. I don't feel bad when these situations actually arise now, I pat myself on the back for seeing it coming and being prepared in advance. I find it much easier to be assertive with a ready response/script in hand.

This is a very good thread Minn, and I have a lot to share here. There is no easy solution to this to be sure, but it is a very common problem for ADDers and with effort is very correctable.

I have always disliked this issue about me. For so many years, I have wondered why can't I handle confrontation. The more that I did research on ADD, then evidentally was dx with it.............it did help me to realize that it was not about something I could or could not do, but something that was within me. And it is up to me on how I deal with what I was given.

I'm very much the same, minn

confrontation?

First study the person, ask questions, find what's their weakness, work with that, break them down till they are nothing, they will talk, you will be in charge, and the conversation will be easy after that.

That's how I handle confrontation.

T-Bass

That would be a very aggressive approach. The idea is not to offend unduly, while not being walked upon either. This way, you are more likely to be respected and heard. People that get steamrollered might end up being people you have to depend on sometime.

Keep in mind we are talking about day in day out confrontation types here. Not do or die types. If I was in a confrontation regarding the safety of my children I would likely be abundantly aggressive and it would be appropriate for me to be so. However in a discussion with my significant other about where we should dine out at, aggression would be quite inappropriate and likely generate all sorts of undesired results. No need to kill a gnat with a shotgun. By simply stating my preference for the evening's meal, and listening to what my S.O. has to say we can easily come to a mutually beneficial arrangement without either of us having to be walked on.

Hmmm...I've got not problems w/ confrontations. Confrontations usually bring about a quick rise of anger from me and I can do just about anything when I'm angry :p

Just to reiterate E-boys comment "Keep in mind we are talking about day in day out confrontation types here. Not do or die types."

It is the little stuff which causes poeple (specificaly ADD types) anxiety. Firing your son's a drum teacher, discussing your daughter school problems with the teacher - yet your opinions differ, or perhaps just realy small stuff that can make one a push over...hmmm...oh yes..like the parent/person who has trouble saying NO and setting limits. Sound familiar to anyone?

That last one comes out as some of the smallest seemingly insignificant examples (i.e. bedtime, candy, or a partnet who is too busy with their own hobbies) yet these are the deadliest. These are the things that make you an enabler, spoil your kids, or never help somene to 'see the light'. You do yourself and the other parties involved a disservice by not confronting and discussing the situationcalmly. I know it is tough and even being prepared for the conversation you end up fearing you will say the wrong thing (go to an extreme-"well fine maybe I should just leave") or simply it is too much work to change that paert of your self (i.e. it is too much work to prepare - plus preparing is part of the healing- healing is work - same reasons why many people hate to go to therapy) [It becomes a vicious cycle - the very thing to help you you don't want to do so you don't heal, andget worse]

At any rate, when it is an emergency all out confrontation is needed (child satey, etc...) so no worries there. Again it is the really little stuff.

Confrontation is hard. I really have to think about it in terms of me, and not the person I'm dealing with. I tend to take things personally too much, so I assume and worry that other people will too. I think I naturally avoid confrontation in the first place because it is a learned skill for surviving. How many times have I not done something or not finished something, and deserved a confrontation myself? I think that knowing both sides of it makes it that much more difficult, since it hits close to home.

It does depend on who you're confronting. Authority - boss, police, teachers, principals (I'm still scared of school staff! LOL) - I have a very hard time yelling at them or even sticking to my guns when I'm right and they're wrong and they need to change the way their doing something.
Although....I had a run in about a month ago with a stranger who worked for the company my son did, I tried to talk to tell him something my son's work ethic and something he did that made me proud (I felt he should know). I just approached the man from behind as a nice little mommie pleasantly speaking about her son when he turned around, pushed me back, and said he didn't have time for this. I...I...I was flabbergasted and instantly saw red. Sparks flew from my head. I went up to him, turned him to face me and said that was very rude and he should listen to a lady, he gave me more crap and let him have it, in a non-lady-like way. My son's head caught on fire while I ripped this guy a new one. My heart was pounding so hard and I was SO MAD! I bet those insults I hurled at him are still ringing in his head, because they attacked his manhood, respectablility, appearance, character, and even his existence. I then drove my son home in complete silence, walked in the front door and broke down bawling. SO - I'm not always a mouse....I do have a hidden temper, even hidden to me, and no one is more surprised when it surfaces than me. Very rare that it comes up.
To comment on the meetings with our children's teachers, those are hell. I am a wreck. I am very sensitive to anything non complimentary said about my child, and feel defensive. But I'm scared of the teacher too and feel like if my child isn't doing perfect and I have to be called in, it means I'm a bad mother.
Meetings with my child's principal when I'm ****ed - controlled anger. I'm afraid of the principal yet I'm really ****ed if I've drug myself all the way in there to compain to him.
Confrontation with my kids - I'm very calm inside. No anger. Try to talk gently and get them to see, with love, the error of their ways.
Course it depends on who's confronting whom? Is someone confronting me or me them?

I was a very confrontional child and teen, always trying to battle against establish things, and everyone. When i got to confront someone it was just :mad: :eek: :rolleyes: :p :mad: a lot of emotions coming up at the same times. As i grew older i learned the defanition of words like DIPLOMACY and many more of those ones lol. Which my brain had no grasp on at that particular time. So in my young adult life i shut the hell up, just thinking i was inadequate in really getting my message across to someone without using street language let's say and by the same time make a complete fool of myself. But in the last 10 years , i have learned to stop seing myself as not having the right to protest or battle what is in MY eyes not right even if it is ''politicly correct'' ( I hate that word ). I have also extended my vocabulary to be able to shut you up with class , and to show you that i am no fool , no matter what YOU think of me.

Digitl who never looks for confrontation, but she wont back away either !

. I...I...I was flabbergasted and instantly saw red. Sparks flew from my head. I went up to him, turned him to face me and said that was very rude and he should listen to a lady, he gave me more crap and let him have it, in a non-lady-like way. My son's head caught on fire while I ripped this guy a new one. My heart was pounding so hard and I was SO MAD! I bet those insults I hurled at him are still ringing in his head, because they attacked his manhood, respectablility, appearance, character, and even his existence. I then drove my son home in complete silence, walked in the front door and broke down bawling. SO - I'm not always a mouse....

I wish i had been a little mouse to see that lol

Digitl who's still trying to imagine the men's face :D

Hehe You liked that huh Digitl? ;)

confrontation?

First study the person, ask questions, find what's their weakness, work with that, break them down till they are nothing, they will talk, you will be in charge, and the conversation will be easy after that.

That's how I handle confrontation.

T-Bass
Let me see, your job is a psy??:p

digitl who runs out laughing her ***** off :)