Here I am again... One day mosying along just fine and thinking life's great. The next, it all around my ears.

Or, at least it feels that way. Anybody ever seen Momento? I feel like that dude a lot. Except I actually have a short-term memory if I'm reminded of it. I just feel like I'm coming apart at the seams. Not only am I easily distracted, but I completely forget that I had a great weekend and now think life's just miserable...

Have something like 6 'projects'. My task list is 42 items long. (That I've got written down. Oh well to the rest...) Can't prioritize so I'm spending hours on things that won't meet deadlines or will ditch someting important cause a user cant find the 'any' key. (OK, they're not that bad. Well, most of them...) And just the various pressures of life are conjoining to be the only thing I remember at any given time. It sucks...
I'm sure you mom's can relate. I can't imagine sanity with kids under 12. (Although I'm sure they're a lot of fun.)

So I know I'm not stupid, incompetent, or even alone. (At least I hope you all know what I mean) But now what? The more I try to hold it together, the more I'm aware I'm spiraling down. At least when I was ignorant, I was only unhappy at the bottom....

Ott, I do the same thing. Someone pulls a star down from the sky and hands it to me and I'm happy, then 10 minutes later I stub my toe and all is poop again.
What meds are you on? And what disorders have you been tested for?

What meds are you on? And what disorders have you been tested for?
Adderall. Dosage isn't right tho. I'm hoping to work with doctor on that but good ol' insurance company says "Pre-existing condition" so I'm SOL...

Was treated for depression as a teen but I worked through most of that garbage. Only get depressed when the floor goes flying out from underneath me. (Which happens about 1 in 6 mo or so) And then only for a day or two.

Just hate pickin' up the pieces, ya know?

I totally know what you mean hun. I've just started on Adderall too and haven't got the dose right yet either. It sucks. Been waiting so long to get this fixed and it's still not happening. Very depressing.

Adderall. Dosage isn't right tho. I'm hoping to work with doctor on that but good ol' insurance company says "Pre-existing condition" so I'm SOL...

Was treated for depression as a teen but I worked through most of that garbage. Only get depressed when the floor goes flying out from underneath me. (Which happens about 1 in 6 mo or so) And then only for a day or two.

Just hate pickin' up the pieces, ya know?

Here is my brain dump on life with ADD:
This pretty much describes my days lately: Things seem to be going along fine and then it's like somebody flipped a switch and my focus is gone, I'm generally just bummed and start thinking downer thoughts.
I'd like to blame it on my recent attempts and changing meds but that can't be it. I was on Zoloft and Ritalin for years and this was the case.
I just did a month of switching from Zoloft to Effexor while on a lower dose of Ritalin which was a waste and caused me to need Zanax to combat the anxiety that came with it.
From there I went to Paxil with the same low dose of Ritalin and pretty much either felt the anxiety and just plain BLAH so I would take some Zanax and the anxiety would go away but the BLAH would hang around like it was waiting for free beer or something.
A couple of days ago I stopped taking the Paxil after being on it for two weeks. Tonight I plan to self medicate with Kahlua and try to forget that I have a life and maybe just play Gamecube or watch Stargate SG-1 and watch the snow fall outside.

Life is *******g BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!

Before I ever started on any ADD meds I remember having "manic" periods where I would feel that I could accomplish anything and did accomplish nearly everything I set out to do.

In the past 8 years of being on ADD meds I've gone from making a 6 figure income and having a NICE 3000 sq ft house to erratic employment, layoffs, temporary contract work, and having to downsize to a 30% smaller house.

And the Catch-22 of the whole deal is that I can't focus on the details of the situation well enough to tell if it's just my imagination telling me that since I was labelled and drugged for ADD that my life seems to have consistently dropped into the toilet or if I just feel that way from the side effects of the stupid meds that I'm taking that are suppose to make me more productive and focused and able to figure this stuff out but don't really.......

IMO the only reason the average IQ isn't below 100 is from the contributions of people with ADD and the only reason we really are driven to take meds is to appease the consensus of the general population who would rather not compete with us on our normal level so they label us, drug us up, and then manipulate information so that it seems like we're the reason that things don't work in their lives.

I keep breathing because on top of all the layers of crap in my brain there is this one overarching thought: One of these days I am going to breathe my last breath and at that moment my whole life will pass before me and I will come to the realization that none this stuff really matters..... I just thought that it was suppose to be important..... :D

OK, so this is going to be my thread... Quelch me if I'm getting annoying or move me to where I need to be but I figure (hope?) others feel the same way too...

[Ack]
So I'm coming home from a late night studying last night and a cop pulls me over for a busted headlight I noticed the night before. Nice guy gently asks for license, registration, and proof of insurance (required in Colorado) so I hand him everything and everybodys civil. Couple minutes later, he comes back and asks for current proof of insurance. Now I'm rattled. I'm almost positive I made that last payment. (I think it was in November) and, because of previous oopsies, I should be in the Colorado Registry with proof filed constantly at the state. So I dig and dig and finally the cop decides I don't have anything and goes back to his cruiser. Now I start to think about it and (assuming my insurance company got my money) I'm sure they never sent me my cards. (Never mind that I threw away all their corespondence as my mail pile was backing up again...) So then the cop comes back and says he's not going to write me a ticket for my headlight but it's mandatory that I go to court to show a judge that I have current insurance. Two weeks from now in the middle of the work-day.


*sighs* It just feels like every time I try to get life in order, something spews through my fingers like warm jelly... I never can hold all the pieces together and, although I know everyone misses things ocassionally, I feel like it's a constant slip-up. I know I'm not an idiot, lazy, or a screw-up but gah! I just feel like no matter what I do, life'll always be a mess and it'll never be enough...

Maybe I'm just too acute now that I'm trying to figure out my 'dis-order' (hah) but I don't want to affect other people (the cops included) because of my lacks. Just worried that every where I go and everything I do, something, because of this 'issue', will impact others negatively...

I don't want a spouse to have to 'take care of me' but something that's mutually supportive. Don't want to drop the ball(s?) at work. Don't want to keep friends waiting. Don't want this stupid ADD.... :(

(And I'm studying to be an EMT... Oh, Lord,don't let me kill anyone.... )

"Out of sight, out of mind" is my motto. Bills? HAR! HAR! HAR! I have a drawer I stuff them in now, in an attempt to keep them all together so when I sit down to pay them I'll find them all. Otherwise, I forget to pay everything. I forget if I paid or not. Then I forget to pay that drawer full of bills.
I even sometimes forget I have kids, forget I'm a mother, forget who I am. I'm not trying to be funny. If, say, I'm supposed to pick up my child early from school for an appt. in the middle of the day, and I don't constantly shove that fact in my face with numerous reminding alarms, notes posted everywhere, and telling everyone around to remind me, I'll get lost in my own little world where it's hard enough just being me and all responsibilities of mine are invisible to me. Even with all the alarms, notes, writing it on my arms, etc. if I'm distracted at the last minute, I'll still forget. It's really rather terrifying to have this condition when you're responsible for children. Heck, I'd forget to feed them half the time if they didn't come and tell me it's meal time. And the Adderall I'm on doesn't help at all. I wonder how much my anxiety/depression or the meds I'm on for them has to do with my forgetfulness. I've always had the problem, but it's been even worse than horrible lately.

Feeling positive today, so why not share the wealth :)

@FightingBoredom
I really don't want to be disrespectfull, but you sound like a walking chemistry lab, with all the meds you have been on and off again. I can not imagine what it must be like to have such strong anxiety etc, but sometimes, all it takes is good console and few pints :)

In general I found it the hardest work to keep a positive perspective on things. But it is a really powerfull thing to work towards having a more good natured view on yourself and to the things we do because of our ADD.
When I'm running around in my flat, picking up stuff, or just getting something from the kitchen and minutes later I just stand there, in the middle of my living room, with basicaly ANYTHING in my hands, wondering what I was just up to, it now gets to me that this is my ADD.
It's my special way of being, and something that only happens to a few other "choosen" ones. I know it's futile to fight it, and actualy theres no reason to.

And it's funny how your own self image reflects on others. I suck at remembering things, really I do. And that's me, it doesn't mean that I don't care. And people around me realize that. Since I am a lot softer to myself, people are picking that up as well, and start reminding of appointments when they know, that I don't have them on my radar, and almost everytime it's in a supportive non judgemental way.
I am not needy, I am just better at other things then remembering non-burning-issues.

"So if you want to benefit from the good things I have to give, then you have to take this part too. You want me to remember this or that? Remind me and I'll fix your Computer."

It just feels like every time I try to get life in order, something spews through my fingers like warm jelly... I never can hold all the pieces together and, although I know everyone misses things ocassionally, I feel like it's a constant slip-up. I know I'm not an idiot, lazy, or a screw-up but gah! I just feel like no matter what I do, life'll always be a mess and it'll never be enough...

Dude, that is SO "me," right now. It's like I'm watching my whole life on television, and I have NO CONTROL over what's happening.

I make "to do" lists--and don't follow them.
I set alarms in my computer--and ignore them.
I get ready to go outside to get some exercise--and don't go.

I really wish that I could just go and sit on a deserted island for about a month so everything would just STOP!!

Okay, before I go off on too much of a rant. . .
Time to call the Doc and adjust my dose of Wellbutrin, 'cause the s**t ain't workin!!
:mad:

OttScott, those projects sound familiar and I can't explain to you the dread of going through them in a blind chase. Somewhat like you're a cheetah trying to catch a gazelle, blindfolded in a sea of landmines.... where do you go? How do you dodge and how do you go fast enough to avoid the explosion? And how do you catch a quality gazelle when you have so many things to do?

In this case I offer no tips other than just do it. Use what you have and what you got and despite exhaustion just do what you need to do to make that deadline. No remorse for what you couldn't do... that's just life. And no regret or "I'll make amends next time". Just concentrate on the now and to realize that once you're in the project there'll be less pain than being out of it.

I've been through a lot of last minute impossibilities in college. It's very exhausting and I learned some of my lesson. Not all of course. But I'm not nearly as harsh on myself as I used to be. Possibly because of some of the peer support I got. I used that competition to fuel myself into a good standing.

So, in saying this I will be sleeping tonight but will be waking up early to finish projects of my own. And try my best not to make the situation even harder for myself.

Well just make like a blindfolded cheetah and chase that gazelle.... no one said it's easy but you've got speed and your smarts on your side. :)

...
I make "to do" lists--and don't follow them.
I set alarms in my computer--and ignore them.
I get ready to go outside to get some exercise--and don't go.
...
Yeah exactly. And so begins the spiral...

Today's better than it was a couple weeks ago (Weeks? Days?) but I so often feel it's coming apart.

It's like I'm in this car that I can only see through small peepholes (like the windshield is filthy and I'm outta fluid) and that only when I'm not lost in my own little world. But when I'm straining new muscles holding it together I'm afraid it'll all slip again and I'll wreck. Been noticing recently that the wheels been staying off less and I'm quicker and changing the flats but it's frustrating...

And something new: I've been journaling recently (for the first time in life) and I've really been working through stuff and feel all kinds of better. And then... 5 days later, I re-read my last entry and have no recollection of what the heck I was talking about... GAH!

Do all ADDers have problems with time? Not just the now but was it 5 days or 5 years ago? I have a rough idea generally but it seems most 'norms' don't have nearly the difficulty associating time and events as I do. Or maybe my brain has something else to chase down...

Do all ADDers have problems with time?
Are you kidding?? WHOLE DAYS go by, and I couldn't tell you what happened without prompting. My wife frequently tells me about things I did or said, and I have NO recollection of those events.

Or, I'll sit down to work on a project, and the next thing I know, it's 3AM.

Or, like RIGHT F***ING NOW, when I just remembered I had a pot on the stove, and now the pot is all burnt!!!:mad:

[Aaaacckkk]

Day 3 sans meds... Stupid heart palpitations and the concern for Canada has doctor pull my meds until I see the specialist. And dang Stratera not only don't work but makes me crash.... *Sighs*

So here I am today, trying to focus. Trying to get something done. Can hardly remember my name, much less my tasks.

What happened today? Dunno. Like, not a clue... Have to find the fragments off the workshop floor and kinda patch it back together... Was I always like this? I'll be damned if I can remember the day before, much less 6 months of drugs ago. Life before meds? Nope. Didn't exist. Life after drugs? :eek: Eek...

Couple that with trying to figure out why life feels 'empty' so often... I love what's here, job's cool, friends are cool, (t'd be nice to have a girlfriend but 4 years you'd figure I'd be used to it...) Just life feels pphhttt... Like what's the point? Between work/school, I do barely nothing with my life. Little worthwhile at least... But I don't wanna disappear into computers again. Great tools but I WANT A LIFE...

For once? Maybe?....

[/Aaccckkkk]

did you say that your doc pulled you off of adderall bc of the canada situation, or did i read that wrong??

did you say that your doc pulled you off of adderall bc of the canada situation, or did i read that wrong??
Not exactly. Stressing and life fun so noticed I was having palpitations and arrythmea (Heart stutters). Went to see doctor and he said I shouldn't take more drugs until cardiologist looked at me. Had heart-related issues in childhood so doc thought I might not be stable and so drugs are bad. Especially with Canada situation he thought we should be wary.

Now what was I whining about?...

Yeah, thanks for the encouraging thoughts. I relate too easily to the discouragement I read here. Just diagnosed and trying to remember the things I used to like about myself that I think were probably due to my ADD -- there were lots. Right now, I'm just in such a fog right now. I've never been on meds -- I sure hope they help, although after reading these posts, doesn't sound real promising.
So if you want to benefit from the good things I have to give, then you have to take this part too. You want me to remember this or that? Remind me Anyway, I know I'm the same way -- I'm forgetful and spacey, but I'm insightful, caring, accepting, creative,funny and a loyal friend. I need to remind myself that there is enough good to counteract the weak areas and people who do recognize that in my life and have choosen to stick around long term.

Scattered