I’m having a real hard time with something and I thought I’d post here to get others opinions.

I’ve been with my girlfriend for just over 1 year and we live togetether.

When things are good between us things are great.

Unfortunately during the last few months our fights have become more frequent and frustrating.

I guess things have built up to a boiling point.

I interpret feedback from her in a fashion that I perceive as her being rude and uncaring.

She denies that she has done anything and insists that I can’t read her mind and am interpreting her actions incorrectly.

I feel that she is not seeing my side and 99% of people would interpret them the same as I do.

Here’s some examples…

We had a fight last night, this morning I was still mad and she was still mad. This in not a small matter, like I said things are at the boiling point. I asked her if we can talk and she makes these eyes rolling kinda gestures (like not again) then she asks me what do I want to talk about. When I respond she makes this little uhhh sound at the same time she slightly upturns her head. Another dismissive gesture. So during our conversation she’s not looking at me but facing her computer monitor with her hand on the mouse and is scrolling the screen. Another dismissive gesture. When I ask her if the web page she’s looking at is more important than us she says she’s not reading the web page. HELLO, you’re scrolling the page down and facing it. The average person would assume you were reading it. But I’m not supposed to make the connection?

Another fight we had took place a few weeks ago. I noticed that quite often when I enter the room she quickly switches screens. I’ve made comments about that in the past and she just dismissed them. One day a few weeks ago I walked into the room and she obviously (IMO) switched screens. I confronted her with what I KNOW I saw and she dismissed it and still contends that she was just doing normal screen switching but not to cover up the page she was looking at. During the course of that fight she did admit that she “Sometimes” does in fact switch screens to cover up what she’s looking at, even though she had sworn up and down that she didn't do that. Her rationale is that she doesn’t want me to see her goofing off.

Is this behavior common in ADD adult females?

I want to be understanding but at the same time we’re at an impass.

I have observed the same things and more in my ADD female. I'm not sure that it's about gender, I think it's simply ADD combined with poor "life skills".

She will say just about anything (aka what i want to hear) to get past the "issue of the moment". Upon further review later that day, there is no recollection of the statement(s) she makes. "I didn't say that" or "that's not what I meant" when there is clearly no other way to have taken the statement.

The other typical tactic is to just spew forth some vaguely plausible excuse. They will run with their excuses as far and as long as you let them. And why not? That's how they have gotten this far in life, why change what works for them? I'm a big fan of "excuses are like arseholes, everybody's got one and they all stink" after listening to them for 4 years now.

My best advice (remember, it's worth what you pay for it) is unless you have other mitigating factors, most notably children, that would make moving on difficult, you should run as far and as fast in the other direction as you can. There will not be any major improvements or changes in her behavior. These people simply need to accept and understand that their behavior is unacceptable, and that they must stop doing it. Nothing else will change that fact, no amount of meds, therapy or whatever. At the end of the day, it all comes down to them doing it or not. Believe me, you can lose a lot of years waiting for what sounds good (what they BS you with) to come true. There's an old saying about wish in one hand and spit in the other; which one fills up first?

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your own personal happiness. There are many other women out there who are able to function as normal adults. Don't waste your time trying to change somebody who may not even accept that they are the problem. And trust me, THEY ARE THE PROBLEM. Do not allow yourself to fall victim to "if i just do x, y, and z, *surely* she will come around. It doesn't happen that way.

The extremely angry side of me is starting to think maybe that they're just jerks after all who have latched onto an excuse for their unacceptable behavior. Absent the diagnosis of ADD, I would have told her to go **** herself years ago because there is no excuse for what she has (and continues to) put me through.

At_wits_end

Aiki,
One strategy is instead of interpreting her behavior and saying what you assume she is thinking, change it around:
When you _____ (look at the computer screen while I'm talking to you),
it makes me feel like _____ (you aren't listening, don't care).

When was she diagnosed with ADD? Is she working to develop strategies to improve herself? If she is, have her check out the website called Thrive With ADD at http://www.thrivewithadd.com/classes/teleclasses. It has several teleclasses about ADD, including one of relationships. The classes are not very expensive and you can download notes & a recording of the class, so you can play it back at your leisure. The relationship class has already happened, but you can still "register" for it & then download the audio recording of the class ...or you could email the presenter and see when she'll be offering it again.

At_wits_end,
I'd recommend trying a teleclass for you and your wife too. It's may give both of you specific strategies to improve your relationship by directly addressing how her ADD is affecting your relationship.

I have observed the same things and more in my ADD female. I'm not sure that it's about gender, I think it's simply ADD combined with poor "life skills".

She will say just about anything (aka what i want to hear) to get past the "issue of the moment". Upon further review later that day, there is no recollection of the statement(s) she makes. "I didn't say that" or "that's not what I meant" when there is clearly no other way to have taken the statement.

The other typical tactic is to just spew forth some vaguely plausible excuse. They will run with their excuses as far and as long as you let them. And why not? That's how they have gotten this far in life, why change what works for them? I'm a big fan of "excuses are like arseholes, everybody's got one and they all stink" after listening to them for 4 years now.

My best advice (remember, it's worth what you pay for it) is unless you have other mitigating factors, most notably children, that would make moving on difficult, you should run as far and as fast in the other direction as you can. There will not be any major improvements or changes in her behavior. These people simply need to accept and understand that their behavior is unacceptable, and that they must stop doing it. Nothing else will change that fact, no amount of meds, therapy or whatever. At the end of the day, it all comes down to them doing it or not. Believe me, you can lose a lot of years waiting for what sounds good (what they BS you with) to come true. There's an old saying about wish in one hand and spit in the other; which one fills up first?

Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your own personal happiness. There are many other women out there who are able to function as normal adults. Don't waste your time trying to change somebody who may not even accept that they are the problem. And trust me, THEY ARE THE PROBLEM. Do not allow yourself to fall victim to "if i just do x, y, and z, *surely* she will come around. It doesn't happen that way.

The extremely angry side of me is starting to think maybe that they're just jerks after all who have latched onto an excuse for their unacceptable behavior. Absent the diagnosis of ADD, I would have told her to go **** herself years ago because there is no excuse for what she has (and continues to) put me through.

At_wits_end

At_wits_end, you must be very frustrated. I hope my boyfriend will never feel like you feel about your girlfriend, about me. (I'm doing my best to not give him any reason to.)

I'd wish though that when you write about what your girlfriend does that annoys you that you'd use "she" instead of "they". Otherwise it's just like you're throwing around wrong accusations.

It's too bad you feel the way you do. Does your girlfriend not acknowledge that her having ADHD causes problems? I will not go with your "THEY ARE THE PROBLEM" because I simply don't agree with you. Problems in a relationship cannot always only be one person's fault.

And of course different standards for how you want things to be, how to do things can cause conflicts in any relationship. I suppose I'm lucky that my boyfriend is no neat-freak.

I think it also depends on how much of the things your girlfriend has difficulties with you can recognize in yourself: "Yeah, I think that's difficult too, but not as much as you do."

I suppose as a non-adder some things are difficult to understand. Before my boyfriend met me he didn't know that there are people who have real problems getting on time. He thought that if a person was late it ment that he didn't care to be on time. I explained to him that I do care and I do try, but I'm not good at time management. It's a skill that I lack, but I'm trying to get better at it. I remember one of the first times we went out and I was late (because of poor planning). I cried on the train "Oh no, not again. Why can't I..." and then "I'm so sorry, I really am" It's not funny.It's not funny to always be the one who has to excuse herself. I don't make up excuses. I tell the truth: "I'm not good at planning. I'm an organisational dyslectic.( I think I have a neurological disorder called ADD and I'm waiting to be evaluated for it .)" This is the truth, it's not something I made up to get away without blame. In that case it'd be much easier to just do things "right". That's what I've always tried.I do take a lot of blame and most of it I bestow on myself. (Too much actually.) My friends tell me that I'm not that late, just sometimes and not much and I always call if I am, some people don't do that. I suppose the thing is that they don't see how often I'm almost late.

OK, you might think I'm just writing bull ****. Well, it's not. This is my truth, my world.

Oh, can I ask you this: Is it ADHD related behaviour in your girlfriend that annoys you the most or is it the excuses she makes? Do you think they're false? All of them? Would you accept that an excuse that would be false if it came from you still could be true when it comes from her?

Thanks for the tips, I've tried them.

She was diagnosed several montsh ago and initially she was very concious of it.

I'm not sure if she is doing anything to improve other than natural herbs. Initially she was very gung ho about a managment program. Now I'm not sure, she doesn't share/communicate very well.

Btw, she reads this forum.

Aiki,
One strategy is instead of interpreting her behavior and saying what you assume she is thinking, change it around:
When you _____ (look at the computer screen while I'm talking to you),
it makes me feel like _____ (you aren't listening, don't care).

When was she diagnosed with ADD? Is she working to develop strategies to improve herself? If she is, have her check out the website called Thrive With ADD at http://www.thrivewithadd.com/classes/teleclasses. It has several teleclasses about ADD, including one of relationships. The classes are not very expensive and you can download notes & a recording of the class, so you can play it back at your leisure. The relationship class has already happened, but you can still "register" for it & then download the audio recording of the class ...or you could email the presenter and see when she'll be offering it again.

At_wits_end,
I'd recommend trying a teleclass for you and your wife too. It's may give both of you specific strategies to improve your relationship by directly addressing how her ADD is affecting your relationship.

Oh, can I ask you this: Is it ADHD related behaviour in your girlfriend that annoys you the most or is it the excuses she makes? Do you think they're false? All of them? Would you accept that an excuse that would be false if it came from you could still be true when it comes from her?
I don't think you intended this question for me but since it's my thread I'll try to avoid thread jacking by answering it.

The excuses annoy me much more than the behaviour. She has problems that she needs to address, getting angry at me for her problems is unfair. That's not the kind of partnership I want to be in.

Do I think they're false? I can understand that they may be true for her but in the most blatant cases I think she gets so caught up in defending herself that even she doesn't think about the valididy of her arguments. Take the looking at the monitor incident as an example. Her argument that she wasn't reading the page when all of her actions said she was it something that I would expect from a child that got caught with their hand in the cookie jar. She's a very smart woman and has had years of experience arguing with her mom. She's very good at arguing and it drains me to engage her and it usually turns hostile which is really different for me. At the point it turns hostile I try to disengage. Often times her parting shots at me drags me back into the fray and more damage is done.

"Would you accept that an excuse that would be false if it came from you could still be true when it comes from her?"

Sure I think that goes to our individual strengths and weaknesses.

I have a much bigger problem with her not looking our for "us" and "me" she does a fine job of looking out for herself. But what she doesn't see is that she can win the battle but lose the war. Her constant defense of what is indefensible has only driven us to the point where I'm sleeping on the couch and there's not much left of a relationship that once held much promise.

In saying she was not reading the PC screen when she clearly was is an outright lie, and I sure hoped you called her on that one.

Not a very smart thing to do, is it? Lie about something so obvious.

If she isn't busy looking out for your relationship, then why are you there? Love? Love is NEVER going to be enough.

Run. Fast. Do yourself a favor and save your own soul.

Oh, btw, I have ADHD, but am a far cry from your partner. We are not ALL like this uncaring, selfish woman you speak of.

I am tired of the selfish ones making ALL of us look bad.

I truly wish you well and happy. I really do. There are many with ADD or whatever it is that actually FIGHT their disorder. It's ones like the people's partner's in this thread that give all a bad name.

Good Luck, Aiki......:)

Thanks for the reply.

I wouldn't call her a "uncaring, selfish woman".

I think she cares very deeply. However it takes a lot more than that to make a relationship work. If she get's bogged down in being so caught up in defending herself for her behavior than there is little chance for progress in our relationship.

Recently she told me "That's just how my brain works..." and "I'm looking for a way to make things better". I responded something to the effect that she'll never find a way to make things better if she just accepts them as they are. Furthermore I SHOULD NOT have to be the target of her anger because she's stressed or defensive - if that's how her brain works she needs to find a differnt way to make it function.

As for the PC Screen, this morning she told me that she was not reading it and that she was only looking at it to keep from looking at me because if she looked at me she would only become more angry.

When I told her that 99% of people would intrepet her actions as looking at the monior she flew into a tyrade about how I was calling her crazy because she doesn't think like 99% of the people.

Aiki, I just posted a message on the grief cycle & ADD. Check it out and see if you can figure out where your girlfriend is in this cycle.

I think the posts here that are blasting her for being selfish are wrong. She was just diagnosed a few months ago, she has a long way to go. She needs to learn about ADD, she needs to learn coping strategies, she needs to recognize how it impacts her life, she needs time to accept her ADD and integrate it into her life. You are in for a long, long bumpy road.

This may not be something you want to undertake. It is certainly not something that you should feel obligated to do. What are you getting out of this relationship? Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Is your girlfriend actively trying to learn about ADD? It is obvious yo me that you are making an effort ...is she? Or does she seem to be in denial ...is she ignoring the possibility that her ADD is part of the problem?

The defensiveness that you describe sounds familiar. It's very hard to let go of that protective wall and admit that you are at fault. It is hard to recognize your own faults, to truly believe you are the problem. From what you describe, I really don't think your girlfriend recognizes her faults ...so the "making excuses" may simply be her stating what she believes is the truth. On the other hand, she may recognize that she has done wrong, but believes that she is not in control of her actions --that the ADD is in control of her. And when you call her on her failings, she is frustrated because she already knows she screwed-up, but she feels she couldn't help it. She blows up at you, because she is unable to fight her real demon, ADD.

Ok I'm new here and well.. I'm frustrated. In my relationship, my boyfriend is the one who has it. I guess he's had it since he was a kid and tried a few different meds. Right now he's back on Ritalin.

My problem is this. I can't decipher between actual ADD symptoms or just him being him. Ok now correct me if I'm wrong here cause I don't know as much as I should about ADD.. people who have it have trouble concentrating on things? Well my boyfriend can concentrate on anything all day if its something he likes,but when it comes to things like cleaning or talking about our relationship, he simply will not commit and says he's 'tired' or doesn't have time. Which isn't true because when he isn't at work or asleep ALL he does is stay on the internet talking to friends, etc. If I try to talk to him at all about anything, you'd think I was taking away his birthday!

He also had severe mood swings that are getting worse, he throws things and he's just plain nasty. He's not physically violent towards me.. yet (I fear someday it will come to that). And all of these fits he throws are about little things, taking out the garbage, etc. He claims he didn't know it was his turn when I clearly reminded him before (and he did hear me).. or like when it's time for a family function and we have to go somewhere.. same story.

Well anyway sorry I'm rambling. I'm just fratrated and I don't know what to believe.. or to believe he even has ADD at all and isn't just claiming it as an excuse to be lazy. Can anyone help??

(Not sure I have this post in the right place, sorry)

Did you say this was your boyfriend? And then you mention family functions. Do you have children with him?

First and foremost, get books on ADHD and read them. Become informed of this disorder if your intentions are to stay with this man.

Secondly, what he is doing on the internet and at some work is hyperfocusing. That is ADD. He can hyperfocus on many things if it is of interest to them. Hyperfocus to the exclusion of who is around, what time it is, how long have they been working on a particular project etc. Once they quit hyperfocusing, more than likely he is exhausted.

I would say if you are really interested in staying with this person, you will have to become proactive in treatment. Does he take the meds when he needs to? It is very possible that these meds at the not the right ones for him or he needs a different dosage or he needs another med added on.

A relationship with someone who is ADD can be difficult. And keep in mind, things will not change. Are you willing to put up with this the rest of your life? Do you want to listen to his rages about taking out garbage for the rest of your life?

She blows up at you, because she is unable to fight her real demon, ADD.
I think this is a strong statment. I love it! If there was a quotes page, it should be on it.

We need to remember this when we are in this world of ADD. It took me a long time to understand it is not my dh but his ADD, and now I am doing the same thing for my DD who will hopefully be diagnosed at age 23 next week.

She is fighting the demon for sure.

Mart

Yes this is my boyfriend.. and when I mention family functions I mean with his family or mine. No we have no children together. You said.. "He can hyperfocus on many things if it is of interest to them." So does this mean he has no interest left in me? He only takes his meds when it's time for him to leave for work or when he knows he has a lot to do that day.. otherwise he doesn't care to. And about his rages.. do they really need to be rages? I mean why make such a huge deal over something so menial? Is it really necessary? He says such hurtful things at those times and he doesn't realize it and when I address this issue he doesn't think much of it.