View Full Version : Koda is flunking math again


Nucking_Futs
01-26-05, 02:17 PM
I just don't have a clue anymore. He knows the stinking material; but, please forgive me for saying this...HE WON'T APPLY!!!!!! APPLY!!!!!! APPLY!!!!! :(

He's just gone down hill really fast. Homework, school, relationships. I have so much to tell and no heart to tell it isn't that the way it goes. :rolleyes:

chameleon
01-26-05, 02:22 PM
How old is he Futs? My boys go through the same thing, they decide they just don't care, and I can't make them care. It's REALLY frustrating! His age is important as to what's going on here and I'm probably the only one who doesn't know it. :D

momof3boys
01-26-05, 02:40 PM
I can so relate. We used to think Andy wasn't applying himself before we found this great therapist:) . Anyway, I know you're quite educated on this Futs, but he explained it to me like this: your son can give his 100% every day of the week but one day his 100% is not quite enough as it may be another day. Basically what he's saying here is that some days he'll get it and others he won't. Andy's 200% just isn't quite as good as the kid sitting next to him's 50%. I know that Andy has a hard time with tests. Could this be Koda's problem? He freezes up. He does so much better oraly but has a hard time getting it down on paper. We're thinking of having him tested for LD's. (per his dr's suggestion) I'm so sorry!! (((((Futs))))) ((((Koda))))

Nucking_Futs
01-26-05, 03:26 PM
He is 12. I know that he is going thru an early pre-pubescant period; but, its getting so out of hand. One day he wants his med because he feels better the other he hates it because he needs it and won't take it. He's becoming increasingly violent towards his sister and has gotten in my face and downright refused to go to bed. He expects everyone to bend to his will lately and it's just not life.

I know what your saying mom it's just harder to deal with on a daily basis. The fact is he aces the tests but is not applying himself to doing his homework which is dragging his grades down. In the last two tests he has gotten 100's but he hasn't done homework in over two weeks and the daily fights, screaming matches, temper tantrums leave me feeling lost and scared he will repeat my mistakes. Having a genius IQ does not make you a smart person.

I've moved past what do I do...to the take action stage, I have a meeting set up with all of his teacher's, principle and "study teacher" to see exactly were he has fallen behind I can't help but think that if one class is falling the others are close behind. I'm hoping his "study teacher" has some good suggestions, we've always been open with the school personel and have tried suggestions so they have been working with us to save Koda from himself.

I just get frustrated when I can't find the little guy who loved learning in my son anymore.

Trooper Keith
01-26-05, 03:50 PM
I work with kids his age...if he's not going to learn, he's not going to...but getting him in trouble and fighting with him will just cause problems...

I could talk to him, or something, but I don't have any real advice, and that might be weird...

momof3boys
01-26-05, 04:10 PM
It sounds to me like his depression is coming back. I've suffered from depression all my life, yes even as a child but not diagnosed and medicated until 10 years ago. Depression seems to come back in many different forms from time to time. Sometimes I need to up my medication dosage, sometimes I need a change. Can you ask him if he's feeling down or angry lately? I know that sometimes my depression comes in the form of anger. I can't even stand to me in the same room as myself when I get that way. He may be feeling similiar things. When you feel this way you don't feel worthy of love or support or help. You just want everyone to go away and you express it with anger. I don't know if you've thought of any of this or if it's redundant information for you. Anyway, let us know how it's going. Just let him know you love him and try to give him hugs. Even at 12 they still need hugs even if they don't think so!!

Nucking_Futs
01-26-05, 04:23 PM
I so want to deny that I know that you could very well be right.

All I can think right now is not again. I can't do this again and again and again.

spottkitty
01-26-05, 04:44 PM
Awww...Futs! (((((((((((Futs))))))))))))))) (((((((((((((Koda)))))))))))))))))

Just vent. :) I did that all lunch to DH (about work LOL!) and feel much better now. No answers, but I feel better.

Talking to the teachers is a great idea. Man, 12 is hard. Usually my kids are very good about taking any med we tell them they need, like cough syrup or benadryl capsules for allergies. If they pitch a fit, I can still tell my kids that I'll pour/shove the medicine down their throat. We have never done that, but they believe I'll do it and take the med. At 12 David will probably be bigger than me!

Are the tantrums on and off meds? David's get worse when his dose wears off.

Let us know how it's going!

Barbara

free2bme
01-26-05, 05:04 PM
Hey there Futs,

I wanted you to know that you and Koda are in my thoughts, and wish you luck with your school conference. Managing our kids schooling is one of our greatest responsibilities, and often a challenge. For different reasons, I've recently had to "take action" with my kids' teachers. Since your school has been working with you, hopefully you will not have to "take action" quite as forcefully as I did!

I would definitely mention, if your suspiscion is correct in terms of his other classes, that the appropriate thing for a teacher to do in Koda's case would have been to pick up the phone and call you. That said, don't forget that if you start to get those gut instincts that something isn't right....call them! It's their job to respond!!!

If it's ever appropriate to lay down the gauntlet, your child's education is one of those times. I did it FIRMLY. I actually think dealing with a mother who actually gave a damn and when forced to, flat-out demanded her children be granted their right to a fair and equal education, earned me a little respect. I couldn't care less about their respect, but my child's experience in school is absolutely paramount.

A few suggestions:

1. Think about your definition of "working with us" and honestly determine if they have been or not. I've always felt it was just as bad a mistake to settle for too little, as to ask for too much. Nobody can advocate for your child like you can. You already know this, of course. Sometimes we let kindness, or our own guilt and concern get in the way of giving an honest analysis as to how we think things are being handled. Heck, my sister insisted I go with her to a conference because she was so concerned about her son she feared she'd cry the whole time. I can't believe I'm actually saying this, but put on the cap of an analyst. Give them the truth no matter how bitter you think it might sound. If they truly are doing a great job, by all means tell them that, too!!

2. Make a list of questions before you go in and do not be rushed until every one of them is answered. If this doesn't happen, call their superior.

3. Write down every word they say, or as much as you possibly can. You can't follow-up if you can't remember anything! Do not leave this list in the car when you get home.....:p. You might need it later!!!

4. Make sure you feel certain that they understand that a strategy involving ALL of Koda's adult influences is STILL essential here.

4. Keep in contact with them. It's the best way to ensure they don't forget to keep in contact with YOU!!!!

As for homework.....mine don't have adhd....but I can tell you we've had some go-rounds on that too. My nephew IS adhd and my sister has called me in tears and at the end of her rope. I tell her to tie a knot and hang on for the ride (which frankly does nothing to help in the moment at all and generally earns me a snide remark....which makes me laugh...which makes her laugh...so heck, maybe it does help;)). Therefore, tie a knot and hang on, futs. You're a wonderful mother and Koda is immeasurably fortunate to have you on his side.

Nucking_Futs
01-26-05, 07:37 PM
I've been trying to do this the right way. Get my act together so I can help Koda and his teacher's keep their acts together. I've got my questions forming in my mind and I don't intend on letting them intimidate me into a stuttering ball of huh say what's.

I do know that most of this is Koda and only Koda can be to blame and take the brunt of the assault which he already has. Koda is the one who chooses not to do his homework, I just wish they'd let us know sooner instead of after 4 or 5 missed assignments. it's gonna be hell over here for awhile because if Koda learns nothing else from this it will be that he is going to accept all responsibility for his actions. I'm going to the meeting but he is going to be doing most the bargaining himself. He got himself into this mess he'll need to seek advice on how to get out of it and he'll have to stick to their rules.

I know it sounds harsh but I cannot hold his hand thru his entire life. They know their dealing with me but Koda does not know this and feels like he has some control, he's scared and mad right now but he really needs a small tutorial in advocating for himself and in taking responsibility for how his actions affect the way those around him think of him. Am I making any sense. Doug has wrestled him to the ground to do an assignment to help get caught up, I've listened to him screaming, yelling, threatening, calling everyone of his teachers to the dogs stupid and I"m sick of it.

gingagirl
01-26-05, 07:39 PM
If Koda is acing the tests and refusing to do the homework, maybe he's not being challenged enough??? Homework is supposed to help you learn, help you to practice & improve your understanding of what you're taught in class.

If Koda is able to understand the math and doesn't need to do the homework, then maybe he needs to be taught more challenging math, or taught at a faster pace. I know he's already in accelerated classes, but maybe the math class isn't accelerated enough.

Just a thought...

Trooper Keith
01-26-05, 07:49 PM
Or, maybe he doesn't want to do the freaking homework, because it's stupid. I mean, I never did homework...it sucked. I did well on tests though.

He's acing tests, and still failing the class? That's stupid. You need to take it up with that teacher, because the teacher's goal is to teach information. If Koda is acing tests, he obviously knows the information. If the teacher's BS busywork homework is going to make Koda fail, even though he has learned the material, then that is terrible teaching, and I would take that up with the people in charge.

free2bme
01-26-05, 08:13 PM
I think you make sense. You're his parent, you do what's right for you. I'm not certain I would have my 11 year old, especially if I knew his mind was working like mine, take on the burden of advocating for himself just yet. I don't happen to think that holding his hand as an 11-12 year old child means letting him out of the lesson of action=ramification. It's a delicate time when puberty, growing independence, trying to find their place......all collide with adhd. Perhaps I sound like a wuss, which I am perfectly comfortable with in this instance, but I believe in my heart that we tend to make all of our children grow up too quickly in this country. It seems to me it's hard enough on a child who has the most excellent of coping skills.

My kids are learning to advocate, Futs. They've been to the homeless shelter so many times that some of the folks call them by name. They clean trash from the Bay every spring. They give toys away before they're allowed to get new ones. They've even written for the paper. Different technique I suppose, but hopefully the results will be good all around. Good luck with the meeting.

Nucking_Futs
01-26-05, 08:31 PM
Koda needs to learn that with success comes a lot of crappy grunt work. He aces the tests but nobody knows how he came by this information. What if deep down he has one element wrong? Won't it later throw off the next steps? I'm afraid I agree with his teacher on this one he needs to do the work, show his work and prove he is ready for a new challenge.

I never consider charity work advocating but yes my children are very interactive with their community. This is something I want to show him. When you give your word...YOU HAVE TO KEEP IT!!! I'm hoping it will make a difference coming directly from him these are the terms HE agreed to not myself or his father. It's our hope that the follow thru will be a little easier and less of a battle. We are not just dumping into it. We will be there and we have final say, I've already discussed it with the principal and he thinks it may be a good idea for Koda who is very independant and does not like needing help. At this point I"ll try anything it sure beats the screaming matches and I can alway's say "Koda you made the agreement are you going to be a man and stand by your word?" Koda wants so badly for respect and to be considered a man well this I'm afraid is one of the biggest steps he's going to have to take to achieve that goal...standing by your word.

free2bme
01-26-05, 09:37 PM
lets just agree to disagree about a few things and both concentrate on doing the best job of parenting we can in our own ways.

i think a 10 year old having an article published about the lack of justice served to homeless children who aren't able to go to a real school because their home is a concrete shelter......is the most admirable kind of advocacy i can teach or could imagine in a child. the level of pride their hearts instill in me is immeasurable.

that said, i think that backing up your word is extremely important, but i must have overlooked something in your first post. i did not see that you had already told koda what he was going to have to do. i thought you were concerned and asking for input. if my input was not what you were looking for i really do apologize. my intention was to be supportive but apparently it didn't read that way to you.

at any rate, good luck.

Nucking_Futs
01-31-05, 08:40 AM
I thought we had already discussed this? I wasn't offended at all, you'd have to get up pretty early in the morning to offend me. I was only trying to give you an idea of why I want Koda to start advocating for himself, he advocate's for others just fine it's himself he forgets...hmmm wonder were he gets that from? Must be his father. lol

Doug and I will be at the meeting with Dakota and we have worked out a game plan together all three of us and we will step in should he run into trouble. I'm so nervous I could be sick but he can do it, we've prepared him well. I will let you know how it goes later today.

free2bme
01-31-05, 12:20 PM
Futs, the dates are screwed up on the thread... That post you were talking about was from the 26th......and yes......we have this ALL STRAIGHTENED OUT!!!!

Remember, you're my greatest ego booster, which is a darn good thing cause it's only 11:20 am and it seems everyone in my "real" life is on a mission to do exactly the opposite!!!!

Love ya babes.........:D ;)

Nucking_Futs
01-31-05, 02:33 PM
Man don't you hate that? I had the samething happen to me but instead of posting what I had written on a later date the system totally deleted it and I had some great stuff too. Aww well then that's life as they say *grins*

Tell them to take a chill pill and call you in the morning. You know I do have a pm box and you can come cry on my shoulder anytime cause I love's ya.

Hugs.

And yes the closer the meeting gets the more and more sick my stomach gets.

free2bme
01-31-05, 02:41 PM
I sent you a pm my dear.......Did you not get that either?????

Nucking_Futs
01-31-05, 02:48 PM
Yes, I'm sorry I'm going to post on it later. Right now my nerves are shot and I'm flipping thru screens like a demon and typing even faster. I figure this time it's my fault cause I didn't look at the post date. But, I do wish my love you'd just know when I say I'm not mad I'm not mad and if I were mad I would have directed my comments to you on a personal level in pm. If I ever get mad at you, you will be the first and only person to know it's how I work.

kadink kadink i'm so freaked my mind is shutting down. Koda called earlier and said he's ready though. smart kid knew his mom would be freaking out.

jumbled up
01-31-05, 03:21 PM
How are you today, and how is your son? I'm new here, but I had the same problem with my son and math. He is 18 now and almost graduated. He would lose his homework, or not do it. I tried organizers, palm pilots, calling teachers, everything. he is on straterra and zoloft. I am so glad he is on his meds. He can handle so much more when he takes it, which he doesn't always do. I think the zoloft for anxiety makes him much more amenable to taking his straterra. If the anxiety gets out of control, then nothing works. I have an 11 year old also on straterra and remeron (antianxiety). Without the remeron, the straterra doesn't work as well. Is your son on antianxiety, antidepressant medication?

Nucking_Futs
01-31-05, 04:51 PM
I'm doing GREAT!!!!!! Just give me a second to get all my thoughts together.

Nucking_Futs
01-31-05, 05:04 PM
Dakota due to a class had to miss the meeting but I shared his insights with his teacher's and handed them 12 Things Students With ADD Want Their Teacher's To Know. He had his speach ready about how ADHD effects him and how what they've been witnessing lately had nothing at all to do with ADHD bur rather laziness. I hate that word myself people but I feel Koda knows when he's trying and when he's not and the word came from his mouth not ours. He didn't want to do the work so he didn't even try that is lazy you can't pretty it up.

His teacher's were great in giving me some insight to how he acts during class time and how he uses his spare time (not at all productivly). We were all in agreement that most his trouble comes from organization so we'll have to work on that. We've also discussed incentive programs for the entire class and that I know of a lot of parents including myself willing to help. I also discussed an incentive program we started this week with Koda...he is to bring home all homework, in it's proper folder and neatly done if he does so he gets a green star for each class each star equal's 50 cents. Any homework not brought home to be checked or studied gets a red star which equal's 50 cents. All graded homework must now be brought home and shown to both parents for another green star. They felt that it was a good idea it teaches accountability without being harsh. School is Koda's job that's how he makes his money I'll no pay the full price for half the job.

His math teacher was really great about bending to meet Koda's needs. Offered him one week to get all his make up and redo's done for full credit. Koda jumped on it and accepted the offer.

We also re-inforced that Koda is ultimatly repsonsible for Koda's actions...NO ONE ELSE.

So, organization.....mmmm any idea's?

Koda is on Stratterra we did have to take a medical break while Doc's ran some tests and he just started back up so we're still seeing the adverse side effects last time it took about 3 weeks before we started noticing a consistant change. We're half way there now keep your fingers crossed.

Kimalimah
01-31-05, 05:18 PM
Hi Cherity,

I'm having an ADHD night...see next post.

LOL

Kim

Nucking_Futs
01-31-05, 05:23 PM
He has a chore chart in which he can earn money but utlimatly he can skip out on chores without being held accountable if he has a big test or paper or alot a of homework. There is more to his chart such as are papers in the proper folder, are they neat and organized. He gets .50 because he's older and understand inflation and wound't agree to anything less trust me we tried.

Kimalimah
01-31-05, 05:28 PM
Hi Cherity,

I just got caught up on what's been happening with you and Koda...it sounds like you've handled it really well and I can really relate to...."again and again and again"....

I have a suggestion for you...it ties in with your red star/green star program. We did something similar but broke it down into much smaller pieces with smaller payouts. We found setting little goals...some more achievable than others allowed him to have more small successes which are really important for my son. For example....

WRITE homework assigned in log book 10 cents
POST on board when HE CHOOSES to do homework 5 cents
(my son is a control freak)
Actually DOING homework and SHOWING parents 25 cents
Cleaning of DESK (orderly room) EVERY evening 10 cents
PACKING school bag the night before 10 cents

He couldn't always do all of this, but we paid out once a week and there was always a bit of pocket money for him. We also threw in a couple of simple things that always worked like...brushing his teeth every night...just to assure there was SOME success.

The school plan I drew up...everyday with color coordinated blocks for the subjects so he could get an overview of what was due when. I then made tags for all the subjects and he could post on which day he chose to do the assignment. My son has a really hard time with "time" perception and this helped him to actually "see" it.

I can really empathize with you...nothing is worse than the never ending homework battles. They are so destructive. One thing to remember, though, is part of growing up is falling on your face and learning how to pick yourself up again. It hurts us to have to watch it happen, but sometimes we can't stop it.

Hugs,

Kim

Nucking_Futs
01-31-05, 05:37 PM
I accepted guilt in that I'm at times too lenient and I'm easilly tricked into doing his homework for him. It's now show me the finished product and I'll show you what you did wrong well to him he may as well it do it right in the first place. lol

Koda is almost a teen his chart is more demanding and harder then his sister's because he is about to enter high school and I feel by the time he is in high school he will need the discipline to make it and college omg I don't even want to think about that yet.

Nucking_Futs
02-01-05, 02:08 PM
Well, today is Koda's first day with the new program wish us luck.