I am very reluctant to open this can of worms. I am sticking my neck out here-and really looking to hear about other people's experiences with what has become for me a real dilemma.

I am 49, turning 50 later this year, and after many years of "issues", sought help at age 30. I was diagnosed with long term, chronic, depression.

I had, and have, no problem embracing that diagnosis. I knew it was true even as a little girl. Even though it took until my late 20's to be able to articulate my pervasive sadness, another decade to get some therapy, and ANOTHER decade before I was actually medicated, all of it made sense.

Last November I saw a psychiatrist I've known for several years for my semi-annual visit, and in the course of conversation, complained about the mounting evidence around my home that my life was spinning out of control.

I thought I was talking about my depression...how disappointed I am in myself that even though I am a bright, compassionate and insightful woman, I still can not manage my time, my environment, or my thoughts.

I thought I was talking about how, as I have aged, normal words escape me in the middle of a sentence...

I thought I was talking about my shame, that the simple addition of a pet that I had wanted forever was tipping the scales against my ever being able to feel like I am capable of taking care of myself, or anything else, for that matter.

Really, I thought I was just blowing off steam...sharing some of my personal stuff, in hopes of some feedback from a doctor whom I respect, and who is well qualified in this field.

I could not have been more suprised when he asked me a series of questions that I now realize relate to my eventual diagnosis of inattentive ADHD.

So was he!

Here is the thing-does it bother anyone else with inattentive ADHD that there doesn't seem to be any hard and fast science, or hard to miss symptoms as are visible in the more active, fidgety, speedtalking, multitasking ADHD'ers?

I just finished reading "Driven to Distraction"...my first book on ADHD. I fit the profile for inattentive ADHD in 80-85% of all the diagnostic criteria I've been able to gather.

But even though I am now on Effexor and Concerta, and can get through the day without my favorite coping skill 'til now (a nap:o ), I'm not feeling wildly better, or more able, to deal.

Did any other "inattentive types" feel like they might just be making excuses for themselves? What if I'm just what I've felt like all my life-an underacheiving, procrastinating, over-sensitive failure?

O.K....Now I've REALLY depressed myself...*sigh*

I think I am still trying to recover from the "holidays"...

Forgive the blatant whining, but I honestly want to know if anyone else ever considers that just maybe some people "make it" in this world...and the rest of us are just here for "window dressing"?...

I would jump on this..."Inattentive Type ADHD" is way overdiagnosed, because other disorders demonstrate similar symptoms.

I see a lot of cases where people are Dxed with, for instance, Depression and Inattentive ADHD...but I owuld hold that that is probably just depression. Unless the depression is completely treated, and the symptoms remain, it's just depression. One of the criteria for depression is "inattentiveness." Well, inattentive ADHD...same thing.

So that's kind of my vent...I don't mean to offend anyone, and I am sure there are people with both conditions...heck, I have ADHD and a slew of comorbids. The difference is, of course, that I have ADHD Combined Type, which is much more noticable and I have been Dxed with that since childhood.

K-is depression one of your co-morbid DX's?

Not on the record, no. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder with Agorophobia, and ADHD.

K-


Are you, or have you ever been medicated for any or all of these issues, and if you were, were you content with the end result?

I have no bias for or against medicine...in general, I believe whatever works for you is what you should do.

It's just that, right now, not much seems to be working.

My instincts are telling me I have to get off my ***** (that same mantra I've been yelling at myself ever since I took over for other people yelling it AT me)...and...well...I'm still ON it....



( Just reread my question...reminds me of the McCarthy era questions..."Are you now, or have you ever been, a Communist?"):D

One difference between ADHD and depression is that ADHD symptoms show before age 7 and depression is pretty rare at that age - I may not have been the happiest kid all the time, but I wasn't depressed. I don't think that Innattentive ADHD is underdiagnosed - I think rather the opposite is true since the inattentive types don't cause a lot of trouble - they may be thought of as lazy or spacey. Also, Inattentive ADHD is more common in females than males. With inattentives the hyperactivity is sort of turned inward and becomes frustration and impatience and anxiety. This also happens when ADHD children age and the hyperactivity "disappears" - sometimes it goes away and sometimes it becomes "frustration" - at least that's how I characterize the feeling in myself. I lived for 39 years with untreated ADHD and suffered from low-level depression, self-esteem problems and chronic "not living up to my potential". I thought of most of my problems as character flaws (procrastination, lack of motivation, etc) and even though I had acomplished a fair bit - a couple of degrees, relatively successfull at whatever I tried, etc - I really didn't have a lot of confidence in myself. The realization that I'm ADHD and subsequent diagnosis and treatment have been an epiphany - it really does explain why I am the way I am - and the hope that came with it is amazing too! Reading my old report cards was interesting in light of my ADHD diagnosis - I almost felt like yelling at my old teachers "Why couldn't you see my ADHD! It should have been bloody obvious, just look at your own comments!". Of course hindsight is always 20:20.

Gregster and K-

Thanks for your input. I think my inner turmoil is perfectly illustrated by both of

you...

On one hand, skeptical...

and...

On the other hand, cautiously optimistic...

It's that familiar, dauntingly gray middle ground that I am thrashing around in, trying to figure out what to do.

In the mean time, I remembered something wonderful that Ian (It's chaotic) said once (I'm paraphrasing here)...

For him, it's about the "doing", rather than the "knowing"...so I remind myself that action will feel better than allowing myself to wallow in questions.

Thanks again to anyone who has a thought they want to share........

I personally am seeing someone for the first time next wednsday and i'm already concerned that he will not diagnose me properly. I feel like if he starts asking me questions that I will go blank and not be able to COMPLETELY explain myself. This is why I intend to make a list of every single symptom I have. I don't know exactly what he will think of that but it will be more accurate than asking me to my face, because I don't think i'll be able to give him every piece of information I probably need to. Research your symptoms and take them down to make sure you can give him every ounce of information possible.

Hi Stuck

Our lives have followed very similar paths, I am also 49 turning 50 this year. I continue to struggle with the same issues that you do. I am self-diagnosed at the moment although I did go for extensive psychological testing last week, it will take a while to get the results. Although I was quite sure that I had ADD, the doubting left me with no choice but to pay the money to get tested. I find then when I am discussing it with family and friends I am always feeling like they don't quite buy it, my children have expressed doubt about it as well.

I too went through years of being depressed, from 16-21 and then again from 36 till, after years of therapy, I finally pulled out of it about 2 years ago. I know I am no longer depressed, but I am also not happy either. I don't remember a time in my life when I could really say I was happy other than for brief moments like giving birth to my children.

What led me to my diagnosis was my hormone levels dropping with menopause at which point the volume on my add symptoms got turned up. My coping mechanism for add all along had been my good memory, the memory when out the window along with the hormones so I was all of sudden not coping at work very well. Two nieces also got diagnosed this summer as well. I started doing some reading and came to the conclusion that there was no other explanation. I was no longer depressed but the remaining issues of disorganization would not go away no matter how hard I worked on them.

A really good test to see if it fits for you is to ready Sari Solden's "Women with ADHD", after reading that I had no doubt (almost), it felt like my biography. With the amount of work you've done and the insights you have, I doubt very much you are making excuses for yourself, that's probably the low self esteem talking. There is such a wide range of symptoms, even among inattentive types.

I am also facing the issue of the medication and what impact it is or is not having. I keep thinking I must have misconceptions about how its suppose to make me feel. I was like that with anti-depressant medication too. I'd hear stories about how prozac would change someone's life, or read something on this site about how taking the medication felt like someone turned all the lights in the stadium on, I haven't experienced this yet, I'm also taking effexor with my stimulant. Maybe there's a connection. I think I'm going to have to really persevere with the right combo/dosage.

Is there anyone else in your family diagnosed Stuck? Or anyone you think is probably ADD as well? It is tough not to have something more definitive to go on, like Dr. Hallowell said, when you put all the little pieces together and nothing else better explains it, its probably ADD. That isn't black and white I know but you've got to go with your gut. Does this explain so much about your life that hasn't made sense up unitl now?

Good luck with your journey and hang in there, you are not alone!!

Stuck,

A few comments.....first, you're a wonderful writer as your words convey not only your thoughts, emotions, and questions, but invoke a great deal of imagery. You have a gift. I hope someone's told you that before. Personally, I loved the McCarthy reference as I've always believed a little self-deprecating humor is great for the soul.

It seems to me that you are suffering that which a lot of intelligent people do, guilt multiplied by infinity. Historically, tragically it is the same baneful existence endured by many with rich minds and little (at least in their eyes) evidence to show for it. Have you ever noticed that those who lack the deep insight and self-awareness evident in your post rarely, if ever, feel guilt over a notion as foreign to them as "making excuses?"

You say you are now able to get through the day without a nap. Try looking at that as an accomplishment. A mountain climber climbs a mountain step by step. A writer writes a book word by word. A musician plays a sonata note by note. Don't be ashamed to start at the beginning. Often it leads to a more beautiful ending than even the brightest of minds can imagine.

Step by step, word by word, note by note. The good news is, when you set your resolve and make that start, you've already conquered the most difficult part of the journey. And yes, alluding to your comment, this definitely requires that you get off your *** and take action. But you can, and you will. Be well.

I also have a struggle accepting my ADHD diagnosis. Not because I don't think ADHD is real, and that others suffer from it, but because the test is up to the interpretation of the doctor. I wonder if I got a second opinion, and a third, fourth, and fifth, if they'd all diagnose me with ADHD as well.
When I went for my test I was terrified that the doctor would say, "No, you don't have ADD, you're just stupid". I wanted it to be ADD so there could be a reason for my inability to function properly and it could be treated - 'fixed' as I thought of it back then. But when the doc told me I had AHDH, instead of being delighted, I didn't believe. I said the test must be wrong, and asked how he didn't know I wasn't just stupid? He brought out the test and showed me point by point why I'm not stupid, and actually smart. Well...there was NO WAY I could believe that easily! All my life I thought I was just stupid. I tried to argue it with him, but he had a rebuttal for each question I had. He even told me, "I am qualified to tell you if you're smart or not. I would tell you if you are stupid, I've had to tell people that before".
Yet still.....
The medicine isn't helping much if at all, which makes me again doubt my dx. I thought I'd be 'fixed' by meds. How do I know if I'm as good as I'll get now or if more or other meds could make me better? I don't feel better. I am not able to get my 'smarts' to shine through any better than I was before. My doc said I am as smart as people with a Master's degree in some areas. Wouldn't you think THAT would show through?? Even a little???
So I am back to thinking that maybe I am just dumb after all, except for a few subjects I happen to 'get' well.
I'd pay a ridiculous amount of money for it if there was a blood test to prove I have ADHD. Something concrete and undeniable. Especially with the view that ADD isn't real running amok in society. Now I'm afraid to tell people I have ADHD. I'm afraid they'll think, "Oh she thinks she has that made up condition".
I could say so much more about my doubts, but this post is too long already. And now I'm wondering if the meds are even worth it if they're not going to give me real relief.
~Susan

Friends-

First-let me thank everyone for responding. There is nothing so futile as flinging your personal self-observations out in the world, only to hear a resounding


(Blank space, meant to represent deafening silence):eek:


Milauran-

Thanks for the recommended reading (Sari Solden). I need something else to read for perspective.

In answer to your question about family members having been diagnosed, two of my siblings are in recovery programs, and some of their children are the first admitted and diagnosed ADHD'ers.

Note, I say, "admitted"...hence, you might gather that there has not been an outpouring of support from the family at large for diagnosis and free discussion of symptoms and issues related to mental health. I have kept this portion of my self discovery mostly to myself, anticipating that I will be dismissed, as usual.

Over the years, I feel I have been the designated "weak link"-and truely, there was no way I could fight that title. I resent it-but I also resemble it:o .

Free2bme-

Thanks for the "uplift"...all of us need it!

E-girl...how's it going today? Last I checked in on you, you were deep in the throes of a caffeine consumption campaign...and if I'm not mistaken, I think you were winning...:)

To all of you-it means the world to me to have and to be a safe place to fall...Thanks again...

Stuck said: "E-girl...how's it going today? Last I checked in on you, you were deep in the throes of a caffeine consumption campaign...and if I'm not mistaken, I think you were winning... "

Today my friend, I still endulge in the java beverage to my heart's content. :D They can take away my rights, my happiness, my soul, my freedom....but damnit, they won't get my coffee!

I have been battling 'Life Drama' lately. My life is an ongoing soap opera in spite of my attempts to keep it normal. So everything sucks!....and yet everything is cool. I'm used to my life, and the constant acid rain. So, I still have a smile on my face and a blank look in my eyes. Lucky for me I'm so forgetful and addle brained that I can't even remember my troubles most of the time. Ignorance IS bliss.
Welcome to our family Stuck. It's awful good to have you.

Hi family ! I am newly diagnosed ADHD (11-04)..I believe and this is just my opinion..mind you..I take Adderall XR 20 mg in Am and 20mg at 1pm. I can see a great difference in some areas of my life with the diagnosis and in other areas of my life I do not see alot of change. Maybe I expect the meds to do to much! At my job I can see that several coworkers have noticed a "change" in me with thier attitudes and the way they handle coping skills and such when it involves me and our work area. Now mind you.. I have not disclosed my ADHD diagnosis because I dont want them to remeber the negatives only..hoping for my sake that within my attitude and related problems will get significantly smaller as I take meds and have a diagnosis for why I act the way I do.
I almost lost my job over my ADD issues and didn't even realize i was a large part of the problem..not all of the problem but very much a contributing factor that kept me from my optimium potential as a person. Even to the point after a tramatic breakup with significant other; I have handled it very well considering its only been a month. My boss even commented to me..what is New in your life..you seem so not upset about anything. maybe because I'm not..i very much am Thankful for the CORRECT diagnosis after all these years of wondering ..hey what's wrong with me?Now I know whats wrong with me... E girl I would definately keep looking for a med that does play apart in your feeling better about your diagnosis of ADD..sounds to me that your adderall is not working well with your body chemistry as I see a huge improvement.. in only 2.5 months..even on hypertension which I have..adderall xr elevated it slightly when i started and now my BP is better than ever. I honestly believe this is due in fact to a diagnosis of ADHD and meds to help the issues of being this way. Good Luck!! sorry this is so long..:(

Teddy,

ty for your support honey. I'm glad the meds are making a difference in your life! Can YOU feel the difference, or do you only know you're better because others have told you? Does your brain work better? I take Adderall XR too, 40 mgs in the morning along w/ 20 mgs of Lexapro. I wonder if I took them like you do, splitting it into 2 doses, if that would help me more. I didn't know people took extra doses of Adderall XR since it's supposed to last so long.

I've experienced both the optimism and doubt that comes with an inattentive diagnosis. For myself, I'm not doubting I have the symptoms. I definitely have the family history (3 uncles on my mom's side who have never been diagnosed, but, together, have had about 10 different careers and 4 or 5 ex wives.) I also definitely have been depressed, partly as a result of the symtpoms. I nearly cried when the neuropsych went over her findings with me, because it explained my life so well.

The thing I have struggled with is whether ADD should be the correct diagnosis, or if this stuff is mostly attributable to LD. (The neuropsych said I have nonverbal learning disorder, which has many symptoms overlapping with ADD.) I'm on meds now for ADD, and, where I've finally ended up is that it doesn't matter what the diagnosis is, as long as the meds help.

In my case, there are no real meds that treat LD specifically. People with NLD who are on meds are generally being treated for anxiety, depression, or attention related symptoms, which are exactly what my issues are. Basically, the meds help with my symptoms, and there really aren't better meds out there to treat what I have, besides those used to treat ADD. My attitude is that if the treatment works, it doesn't really matter what the dx is, the point is to feel better.

Did any other "inattentive types" feel like they might just be making excuses for themselves? What if I'm just what I've felt like all my life-an underacheiving, procrastinating, over-sensitive failure?

Thanks for being brave enough to share your fears and doubts, cause I'm just loaded with my own at the moment. I just saw my doctor today who was willing on my description of symptoms and history to prescribe me Strattera. He also wrote a perscritipn for a TOVA test. Now I'm petrified. I've finally found a explanation that explains me better than anything ever has and yet I'm scared to death that I'll "pass" the TOVA and they'll say I'm just an underacheiving, procrastinating, over-sensitive failure! I'm not even limited to the inattentive type. I'm a fast talking, fast eating gal who was first dx with hyperactivity at the ripe old age of 2 and still I'm terrified it doesn't fit me. I'm thinking we must really learn to doubt ourselves and feel like frauds. I know this week when my therapist validated how hard it must have been to hold it together while being ADHD it was just one of the best validations I've ever had. Everything is so much harder, even though most of it until recently I did real well, that that acknowledgement meant a lot. I expect it's like when I had pneumonia in college. The college doctor kept telling me nothing was wrong, but I coughed and choked all night every night. Finally my family doctor did x-rays and I had double pneumonia and was put straight to bed on medication. Now nobody wants pneumonia, but if you have it it sure is nice to have a name and treatment for it. I think it's the same for AD/HD. You take gentle care!

Scattered

I too have the same doubts.
I started Concerta about 14 months ago. (I am 34 now)
It was for Inattentive type.
Well, after 14 months, I still have many issues.
Actually, some of them seem worse or at least more recognizable now.
I just came back from my doctor, whom I had give me an anti-anxiety/depression med instead of the Concerta.
Hopefully after this "test" I will see what may really be going on.
He put me on Effexor. He said, depending how things works out, I may be on a mix of things when all is done.

Maybe my ADD is really Depression and Anxiety.
I wish I really knew.