View Full Version : Seriously?? Suspended until after Spring Break???


JenE
03-20-13, 02:44 PM
I could not believe it when I heard that yesterday!! DH had some choice words for the school that he would not repeat although I know him very well so I KNOW what he said!

DS continues to have issues at school. Was suspended on Monday for an incident where a kid got in his face and DS pushed him. Then yesterday, he didn't want to go, was in the office, they were pushing him to go and he got upset and started to toss a chair. They stopped him but they suspended him until after Spring Break which means he is not going back to school until 4/8!!! Basically 3 whole wks out of school!!! Does that make any sense??? A kid who doesn't want to go to school and you MAKE him stay out for 3 wks!!! Even DS doesn't get that one!

AND, the suggested he go to a residential school which is basically a school for behaviour problems. Really??? I understand this has been difficult. They don't have a clue how difficult it really is!!! But he has been fine for 2.5 yrs with the right meds and they are going to recommend a school for problem child based on this? I could see it if it had been an ongoing thing but really????

I'm just so #$^@#$@!$#% mad right now!!!


Edited to add that I only have 4 days of vacation available and Dad is so angry with the whole situation and even at DS that he won't stay with him even if he had vacation.

LynneC
03-20-13, 03:08 PM
Jen, I'm so sorry... :(

Have you thought about contacting an advocate? This seems like such an overreaction...

Does his school system have written guidelines for suspension?

SquarePeg
03-20-13, 05:27 PM
I canīt remember if I posted this before but my daughter had anger issues at school and was seeing the school counsellor.

She was given permission to leave the classroom if she felt an explosion coming on. She was told to just stand up and leave and go down to the school office and sit down.

This worked well, she felt more in control when she knew she could just get up and leave with no repercussions.

Have you talked to the school about having time out periods before things get too heated. The teachers need to watch out for signs and you could discuss with your son his feelings and to recognise when he is heading towards and explosion.

Ideally he should be able to recognise the point and be able to leave the classroom and go and cool off somewhere.

Luvmybully
03-20-13, 06:22 PM
Like LynneC, I would recommend contacting an advocate.

Lunacie
03-20-13, 06:59 PM
I agree that this seems like an over-reaction.

My granddaughter (PDD_NOS or Autism) had a bad year in 1st grade, due
more to a poor match with her teacher than anything on her part. At that
time we asked about sending her to the non-residential school for kids with
behavior problems.

No, no, they didn't think that was necessary. The principal got on the stick
and hired a special ed teacher with experience with autism, and after
compensating for the bad year she did great for the next two years with
this teacher.

Then they put her back with the special ed teacher that couldn't handle her
when she was 6 and now she was 9. It was a train wreck. We tried working
with them, asked if her therapist and case managers could come in and
help, asked if we could come in and help ... nope, not necessary they said.

Finally we were so fed up with the teacher calling us at least 3 days a
week to come and take her home early that we asked again about moving
her to the special school. By the time they got their butts in gear the
school year was almost over, too late to do it this year they said.

So she had to go back to the not-so-good teacher to start the new year
before they could get the transfer in motion. Which means instead of
starting with a clean slate in the new school, she went there with a lot of
anger and frustration. Looking back, I wish we'd done something much,
much sooner.

The good news is, the new school was more than willing to have us come
and work with her, have the case managers come and work with her, have
the principal come to meetings with the therapist, have the school autism
specialist come to the school and make suggestions.

Things are going so well now, it scares me when they say she'll be ready to
head off to middle school in the fall. :eek:


The moral of my story - don't wait so long that you end up kicking yourself.

mommytriz
03-20-13, 10:28 PM
I am sooo sorry you and your son are having such a terrible year. Unfortunately most schools are just not equipped to deal with much that falls outside the norm. Picking up chairs might be viewed as a threatening action that would put a student in harms way. There might even be legal actions should your son stay and a child hurt, even if your son was provoked.

Do you have family that your son can stay with for the few weeks. Where was he going to spend spring break? Maybe that can be extended?

JenE
03-21-13, 01:42 AM
We do not have family here. I am staying at home with him, taking half day vacation and I'm going in overnight to work the other half day. The kids are going to camp at an ice rink for spring break. I don't want to send him there now becuase it is "fun". But I told DH that DS would have to go for Spring break because I just can't take the time off.

DS has lost all electronics for who knows how long and he is miserable. So that means I am too. I know that isn't a logical or natural consequence but I don't know what else to do. And how long do we "punish" him??? It isn't helping him go to school but neither is having to stay home! Believe me, DS reminds me of this all. day. long!

And DH is not handling this well. He is still angry and is treating DS very poorly. Actually, he's treating us ALL very poorly. He's basically ignored DS for 2 days and if he does say something to him, he is very mean. DS is in tears anytime DH is around. We came in tonight from DD's volleyball practice, DS said hi to DH and DH ignored him. DS went to his room in tears because "Daddy hates me". All this is just making his anxiety worse!! DD and I get snapped at all the time. I told DH he needed to go talk to someone. He said he agreed but I'm not sure he meant it and doubt he's followed through on it.

Oh, yes, it is fun galore at my house right now!

JenE
03-21-13, 01:47 AM
oh and i just wanted to add that I agree his actions are not acceptable. He has to learn to control himself. But he has to get his anxiety in check first I think. If he was a "behaviour problem", we wouldn't have had 2 good years with no issues. He's not malicious, he's impulsive.

dvdnvwls
03-21-13, 03:57 AM
"Consequences" separated by more than a few minutes' time from the unwanted behaviour do not teach an ADHD child anything that you wanted him to learn. Of course he learns something, but all he can learn in such a situation is "Don't ever get punished, it sucks". The thing he isn't able to learn from the punishment is "This is what I get for trying to throw a chair". Telling him that's what it's for doesn't help either. That incident is a dim distant memory to him now - he sees it sort of like the way you see your own memory of falling off your very first "two-wheeler".

You know how in law there is a statute of limitations, that if a case is more than 5 years old the courts will refuse to hear it? Unfortunately, the young ADHD child's brain has a statute of limitations of about three minutes.

The up-side of this is he doesn't hold a grudge against anyone for very long - he can't remember they did anything bad either. :)

Ms. Mango
03-21-13, 08:55 AM
:grouphug:

Does your son have an IEP? Has a Response to Intervention been ordered? He may not need residential placement, but is it possible there is a better environment for him? One bit of information we found out about when DS was having similar difficulties was that the school has several options--both within district and outside of it. They need to work a bit harder at finding something that will work for your DS instead of suspending him.

Here is a site for RTI: rti4success.org

mommytriz
03-21-13, 01:22 PM
DS has lost all electronics for who knows how long and he is miserable. So that means I am too. I know that isn't a logical or natural consequence but I don't know what else to do. And how long do we "punish" him??? It isn't helping him go to school but neither is having to stay home! Believe me, DS reminds me of this all. day. long!

And DH is not handling this well. He is still angry and is treating DS very poorly. Actually, he's treating us ALL very poorly. He's basically ignored DS for 2 days and if he does say something to him, he is very mean. DS is in tears anytime DH is around. We came in tonight from DD's volleyball practice, DS said hi to DH and DH ignored him. DS went to his room in tears because "Daddy hates me". All this is just making his anxiety worse!! DD and I get snapped at all the time. I told DH he needed to go talk to someone. He said he agreed but I'm not sure he meant it and doubt he's followed through on it.

Oh, yes, it is fun galore at my house right now!

Wow, your poor son. Your Dh is being extremely immature and cruel. Your boy is on a mix of medications that the adults in his life are "guessing" will help him, he clearly has stress and anxiety over the place he is expected to spend the bulk of his day, he is a child and cannot regulate himself and has no control over his environment + his Dad is a Jerk to him. Sounds like hell on earth.

I think you've got to find a school for him that is NOT the one he's going to. It is obviously not a good fit for him and trying to squeeze a square peg into a round hole......

Also, I think the time off SHOULD be spent having fun !!!! The kid needs a little fun. It's not like he's being willfully disobedient and difficult. He has a disorder ( a few) that are very difficult. He should go to hockey camp and blow off some energy/steam and remember joy. Though I didn't care for Gabor's book particularly, I did agree with the part where he focussed on the damage caused by stress. Your husband is contributing to a very stressful household which is in NO way going to help your son. Stress can reek a lot of havoc on the brain and will in itself cause reactions that are out of proportion to circumstance. These reactions can be learned and get wired to the brain. We all have had times when we reacted inapprpriately in scale to an event. Probably because our brain made a mountain out of a mole hill. If your son's brain is bathing in these stress chemicals ALL the time at home now, how is that helpful? There are quite a few studies on stress , cortisol levels and adverse reactions taking place in the pre frontal cortex of children under stress. Do a google search and then show your husband what and how he is contributing to your son's problems. He needs to be the bigger boy here and give his son a big hug, tell him he loves him and they will find a solution for him. Every child needs to know their parents have their back. Your Dh should walk in the door from VB practice and say "Hey dude, let's go play some catch, play a game... whatever it is your son likes ( maybe not video games though ~ I hate those, they make my little boy crazy as heck)

Crying as I type this because my little girl was on the brink of a break down a couple times, but with two weeks off school, forgetting about the stress it caused, lots of fun and love ~ she was able to recharge and bounce back to face school again. Did she balk at the door and cry in the library, YUP, did I bribe her with My little ponies ~ YUP. lol If we'd spent those weeks punishing her and making her feel bad, what would that accomplish? Nothing. Your child needs therapy and support, he deserves to find a passion, try a sport, hobby, something he may love...not consequences.

The only way we made it through second grade was reminding her everyday this was the last year she'd have to spend at this school. In hindsight I would have just removed her last year and kept her home with me. Now that we have removed the stress of school she is almost like a normal child & we can work on her challenges free from anxiety and stress with the goal that when she is older she will be able to handle the stress of school better. You never know, the school they are suggesting MAY have counsellors and staff on hand that can help him in ways that your neighbourhood school can't. Though the school we put our daughter in isn't necessarily for behaviourally challenged kids, the focus is on developing the child as a whole with less emphasis on typical schoolwork and facts and figures. She loves it and is thriving and growing as a person. For now we have put aside the need for her to be academically performing to her potential so that we can get her functioning and able to handle life to her full potential. She can learn algebra and geometry later.

Tell your husband to stop being a bully and role model the behaviour he is expecting which is to change old patterns. Forgive and forget and look positively to the future. He isn't showing your son any of that right now. HE needs to grow up along with your son.

dvdnvwls
03-21-13, 01:52 PM
Husband is acting reasonably if the child was a grown man without ADHD. Husband needs to learn "My child is not a grown man without ADHD." Pretty simple. Pretty important.

JenE
03-22-13, 12:22 AM
Thanks everyone. I laid it all out for DH earlier today. He was like, “what was DS’s problem last night that he just wanted to go to bed?” I told him he was upset because of how he was being treated. DH said well, I’m still very angry. And I told him how DS thinks he hates him, doesn’t support him and doesn’t want to have anything to do with him and how that is making DS more anxious and depressed. I reminded him, we are his family and if he can’t depend on us for unconditional love and support, who can he depend on?

He’s still pretty angry but he did talk to DS tonight. I told DS he wanted to talk to him and he said, “finally!” and breathed an audible sigh. My only problem was that he was still very angry, directing and not that supportive and mostly “talking at” DS. BUT, DS agreed to go with him to a function tonight and was very cooperative with us the whole evening. DS said as I was putting him to bed that “Dad seemed to be a little bit happier since we talked tonight.”

I have an appt with his psychiatrist tomorrow to discuss any possible treatment changes. I don’t really want to do anything but if he needs a change in anxiety meds then now may be the best time to do it. We also have an appt with a new psychologist on 4/1 (intake), 4/2 and 4/4 (2 sessions with DS). He goes back to school on 4/8.
<O:p</O:p
I’m going to do some research to see if there are any non-residential programs or charter type schools we could consider that might be better environments for him.
<O:p</O:p
I don’t know what the next few weeks will bring but maybe we can all move forward toward healing.