View Full Version : Mixed emotions


Fuzzy12
04-15-13, 06:25 AM
I'm not even sure though what that means. I'm not going to kill myself, at least not while my parents are alive.

I'm not even that depressed. I've been taking 75mg of Lamotrigine for 4 days and it's helping. I'm not in the dumps as I was last week. I'm just tired and a bit bored, I guess. I'm not depressed but I feel hopeless. No, hopeless isn't the right word either. Just empty, pensive and disillusioned with life. There is nothing I am looking forward to. I can't even imagine looking forward to anything. I wonder if it was my episodes of hypomania that kept me alive till now. As rare and short lived as they were they made life worth living.

In a way, I think, I'm just waiting for the last spark of life to go out. Maybe then I can overcome my fear of death and the will to live. It doesn't make sense because I don't see the point in suicide. Life is tolerable but tolerable has never been enough for me. Not that it matters. I am slowly starting to really not care anymore.

Sorry, stupid post with no point.

I'm sorry, if my post breaks any house rules. Please delete if necessary.

Asylum
04-15-13, 07:18 AM
Please go and see a doctor. Please book yourself into a hospital if possible. These aren't rational thoughts - this is depressive illness taking hold of your mind.

Fuzzy12
04-15-13, 07:29 AM
Please go and see a doctor. Please book yourself into a hospital if possible. These aren't rational thoughts - this is depressive illness taking hold of your mind.

I'm seeing a psychiatrist this week though I doubt he/she'll do much except educate me about the funding cuts to our national health service. I hope though that they'll put me back on the waiting list for psychotherapy, anyway.

I'm not suicidal by the way, just very tired of life.

TagEHeuer
04-15-13, 07:34 AM
Fuzzy, get a grip of yourself. YOU need help! 08457 90 90 90 Samaritans, talk to them about your problems, they will help.

You either want help or you don't. Take it or leave it mate, but I will be disappointed if you don't seek the help needed. If you choose not to, you need to stop making threads, as no one can help you. I like you Fuzzy, but your worrying me.

Fuzzy12
04-15-13, 07:39 AM
Fuzzy, get a grip of yourself. YOU need help! 08457 90 90 90 Samaritans, talk to them about your problems, they will help.

You either want help or you don't. Take it or leave it mate, but I will be disappointed if you don't seek the help needed. If you choose not to, you need to stop making threads, as no one can help you. I like you Fuzzy, but your worrying me.

I know that no one can help me and I'm really sorry for posting over and over again about the same old, stupid things. I'm not looking for help, I guess, just an outlet. Don't worry, please. I'm ok actually. Not very happy, but ok.

I realise that the thread title sounds a bit dramatic but that's misleading. It's just a thought I had today morning along the lines of I'm not going to make it, but that's ok. It's strange because I'm really ok with that. Again, I've got no plans of committing suicide any time soon (or ever) but it's a bit of a relief almost to know that at some point that spark, the will to live, will get extinguished and I might not be scared to die anymore but will be able to let go. I can't explain it properly and probably, it makes no sense, but there's comfort in that thought.

SquarePeg
04-15-13, 08:17 AM
Fuzzy I thought you were on the waiting list for psychotherapy. Take your husband with you to your appointment tomorrow, they need to understand that you are desperate, you are at the end, you canīt take any more. I think you need someone to fight for you and take you damn seriously now.
Please Fuzzy, you canīt continue like this.

Hang on my friend. :grouphug:

keliza
04-15-13, 12:15 PM
I get that you're not suicidal, you're just tired of living. I definitely understand that. Been there plenty of times. I know you're not in crisis, just exhausted. That is a weird place to be and it's hard when most people don't understand that you aren't in an emergency state of mind. So I guess I just wanted to tell you that I get it.

It sounds like the Lamictal is helping some, which is great, but clearly not entirely. How long has it been now? It makes me wonder if that enduring hopelessness/emptiness is symptomatic of BPD, since it has thus far been unresponsive to medication. But who knows, maybe a stronger dose (perhaps 100 mg? 150 even?) will stamp it out and you just haven't gotten there yet.

One mistake that people who take Lamictal for bipolar disorder make is in thinking that they can't go past X mg because it's too high. People who take Lamictal for seizures take waaaaaay higher doses than we do for mood, and it doesn't hurt them. So theoretically you could go a lot higher... it's just that when it's not working after X mg, doctors start to question if it will help with mood at all. But 75 mg is still a fairly low dose, you can go up at least double before you get close to "maxing out" the potential of the drug.

I do echo what SquarePeg said, though, about going to the therapist and trying to get it sped up. I don't know how the NHS works, but is there any way you can get bumped ahead or fast-tracked if your symptoms are more severe? I think therapy would be really good for you.

SquarePeg
04-15-13, 01:02 PM
Fuzzy just because you donīt want to commit suicide now, I think your feelings could be classified as suicidal ideation, and therefore you need urgent treatment. x

daveddd
04-15-13, 01:30 PM
Apathy is worse than any depression I've had


Im here to talk about it if u need

Any time. I understand completely the "feeling". Or lack of

dvdnvwls
04-15-13, 01:56 PM
- "Not make it much longer" doesn't mean suicide.

- That means the "it" you're talking about isn't "life", but something else, something smaller.

Don't answer here if it isn't comfortable, but for yourself, think about what is the real "it" that you feel you might not make.

GeordieDave
04-15-13, 02:51 PM
Fuzzy, you know we are all here for you no matter what and no matter how many threads you post. We are here to support you and to be there for you. but you do need to seek urgent help, waiting for all these appointments and trying all these different medications is not doing you any good at all.

I watched a movie yesterday. It's called 'It's a funny story' It kind of reminded me of myself when I was 17ish.

I know it's just a movie, but maybe there is a hospital where you can stay for a few weeks, so they can observe you, really help you figure things out, take weight of your shoulders and it might change your life.

Take our advice and seek help. You're a strong woman. I know you will eventually get things back on track! We believe in you!

Hawutwut
04-15-13, 04:04 PM
I promise this is relevant. I watched both my parents go to doctors and never really tell them what was going on, and refuse reasonable help, despite years of heart problems, leukemia, parkinsons, numerous other issues, falls, hospital stays, barely being able to go through life in their house. Escuses here. "We're fine" there. Round and round, no active steps taken. Sure, those were physical issues but -- mental issues are every bit as serious and life-threatening.

Now after dad's dead for the last three years and mom is nearly blind and deaf and she's only just now, finally, getting desperate enough to move up here which I wished they'd done 10 years ago. What's she missed out on? Her granddaughter, family, a happier life, less worry and stress.

Have you missed out on anything, Fuzzy? At the same time it's never too late. Is there anything that you could engage in if things were better?

I'm not trying to pepper you with questions. Picture me talking calmly, caringly, quietly, as soothing and empethetically as I can.

Can you imagine being in a better state of mind and situation and being more healthy?

Does it really have to get worse before you insist on getting the care you need?

How much worse before you get totally fed up?

I know you can get what you want if you make up your mind to get it and it'll probably require you getting some help to get help.

But I know, *know*, it can get better.

I know others put things off and don't seek the help they need. Been there done that myself.

I doubt anyone here could possibly sit there and go "yeah, she needs to suffer some more first" ... instead I think every single one of us is thinking "holy crap, haven't you suffered enough already??"

Abi
04-15-13, 08:39 PM
But who knows, maybe a stronger dose (perhaps 100 mg? 150 even?) will stamp it out and you just haven't gotten there yet.

Just to note, our supermoderator EYEFORGOT takes 400 mg Lamictal a day for bipolar 2.

avjgirsijdhtjhs
04-15-13, 11:58 PM
Not knowledgeable about bipolar or mood stabilizers, but I'll speculate anyway.

Based on how you felt in the first post, and if that was how you always felt, my guesses would be that:

I can't even imagine looking forward to anything. I wonder if it was my episodes of hypomania that kept me alive till now. As rare and short lived as they were they made life worth living.

Let me guess - when you're hypomanic, you're eager to do things, with a positive "push"\drive forward, and time passes quicker instead of dragging on and taking forever to get through the day. If so, a stimulant would probably help a lot when you're in this mind state. Remember "The pleasure seekers (http://www.neurotransmitter.net/wanting.html)" (top right), where it says "The dopamine system is about motivation and seeking. It gives a generalised desire or urge, an eagerness to engage with the world."? Dopaminergic stims are boredom killers - they make you want to do stuff.

I realise that the thread title sounds a bit dramatic but that's misleading. It's just a thought I had today morning along the lines of I'm not going to make it, but that's ok. It's strange because I'm really ok with that. Again, I've got no plans of committing suicide any time soon (or ever) but it's a bit of a relief almost to know that at some point that spark, the will to live, will get extinguished and I might not be scared to die anymore but will be able to let go. I can't explain it properly and probably, it makes no sense, but there's comfort in that thought.

Sounds like your "don't give a ****ness" is turned up too high. SSRIs and SNRIs will do that. Read up on how SSRIs and SNRIs blunt emotions (http://oi45.tinypic.com/116l190.jpg). Note the first sentence in the video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3VuV5Jvazs

For examples of "don't give a ****ness" turned up too much, go here (http://simonsobo.com/a-reevaluation-of-the-relationship-between-psychiatric-diagnosis-and-chemical-imbalances) and go halfway down and read the case reports where people went on SSRIs and did things that were very out of character for them. Things that likely would not have happened had they not started the drugs, things like not caring about bouncing checks and getting speeding tickets, not cleaning up the the dog's poop in the basement, being indifferent to her son's diagnosis of testicular cancer, buying a Mercedes (which he'd always wanted, but resisted due to it being too expensive and a foolish thing to do), and a guy quitting his 9-5 and using his inheritance to "go for it" as a singer and then deciding to use the money to build a solar car, etc.

avjgirsijdhtjhs
04-16-13, 12:35 AM
Let me guess - when you're hypomanic, you're eager to do things, with a positive "push"\drive forward, and time passes quicker instead of dragging on and taking forever to get through the day. If so, a stimulant would probably help a lot when you're in this mind state.

Oops. From what I typed, it sounded like I was saying that a stim would help when hypomanic.

What I meant to say that a stimulant would probably help a lot when you're in the mindstate that you're in in the first post in the thread. I realize that saying a stim would help is stating the obvious though.

Fuzzy12
04-16-13, 06:04 AM
Thanks everyone and sorry for the constant drama. I realise that this thread is mistitled. Maybe I should have called it "I don't think, I want to make it much longer."

Yesterday wasn't so bad actually. I can't really explain it but for the first time in a long time I felt at peace.

"It's not a cry you can hear at night
It's not somebody who has seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

I was surprisingly productive. I managed to do some work and I went to play the piano and enjoyed it.

Today, I'm just depressed again.

Piper30
04-16-13, 06:56 AM
sent you pm fuzzy ... hugs

fracturedstory
04-16-13, 07:30 AM
I relate Fuzzy. I can even have a slight pause in what is a busy day for me and have these feelings of hopelessness. It's like I have to stay stimulated by some task, even the very loathsome (cleaning) to get through it.

I understand how you feel about it not being a big deal. I seemed to scare people after I had my last depressive episode. I'm still trying to work out what it is.

The way I see it is that we who have been dealing with these symptoms for years are better able to manage it than people who suddenly become clinically depressed or suicidal. I think we can fluctuate between depressed and ok states too. I dunno. Maybe it's different when it's more of a hormone imbalance.

I think you're fine like I'm fine. It's not the most desirable situation but it's one that isn't as bad as a severely depressed state. The low, somewhat melancholic moods are a bit bothersome but it's not severe depression. Damn hormones got so bad this morning that I could hardly even move to put my damn clothes on. Turns out IBS was repressing the Ritalin. That was weird. Like I was severely depressed until I went to the damn toilet.

Am I wrong in saying that? I don't want to check myself into a hospital. I have a lot of writing to do tomorrow.

dvdnvwls
04-16-13, 01:48 PM
The way I see it is that we who have been dealing with these symptoms for years are better able to manage it than people who suddenly become clinically depressed or suicidal. I think we can fluctuate between depressed and ok states too. I dunno.

...

Am I wrong in saying that?

I have no experience with this. But I don't think you're wrong at all. As if you were saying "I've been here before, I know how this will go, it's a hard road and a bad road but I know the way and I will come out all right." If that's what you're saying, I think it makes good sense.

And if a person feels the opposite, saying "I don't know what this is, this feels all wrong", then they would be more in need of help and support.

fracturedstory
04-17-13, 04:25 AM
I have no experience with this. But I don't think you're wrong at all. As if you were saying "I've been here before, I know how this will go, it's a hard road and a bad road but I know the way and I will come out all right." If that's what you're saying, I think it makes good sense.

And if a person feels the opposite, saying "I don't know what this is, this feels all wrong", then they would be more in need of help and support.
That's how it was in my experience, but I suppose someone could go through a different experience.

I understand though why most people were taking both what Fuzzy said and what I said in another thread seriously. You just never really know.

Fuzzy12
04-17-13, 06:38 AM
I relate Fuzzy. I can even have a slight pause in what is a busy day for me and have these feelings of hopelessness. It's like I have to stay stimulated by some task, even the very loathsome (cleaning) to get through it.

I understand how you feel about it not being a big deal. I seemed to scare people after I had my last depressive episode. I'm still trying to work out what it is.

The way I see it is that we who have been dealing with these symptoms for years are better able to manage it than people who suddenly become clinically depressed or suicidal. I think we can fluctuate between depressed and ok states too. I dunno. Maybe it's different when it's more of a hormone imbalance.

I think you're fine like I'm fine. It's not the most desirable situation but it's one that isn't as bad as a severely depressed state. The low, somewhat melancholic moods are a bit bothersome but it's not severe depression. Damn hormones got so bad this morning that I could hardly even move to put my damn clothes on. Turns out IBS was repressing the Ritalin. That was weird. Like I was severely depressed until I went to the damn toilet.

Am I wrong in saying that? I don't want to check myself into a hospital. I have a lot of writing to do tomorrow.

Thanks Fractured. I hope you are feeling better again. Did you go to the hospital?

You are right. I am not severely depressed. It was just a strange experience, a strange feeling that I can't really explain. A sort of acceptance that you know, some day I will be able to let go of life and that's ok.

The way I see it is that we who have been dealing with these symptoms for years are better able to manage it than people who suddenly become clinically depressed or suicidal.

I'm not sure this applies to me. I seem to get more hopeless with every depressive episode. My depression tolerance threshold seems to have reduced. Before I started taking anti depressants, I had kind of resigned to feeling depressed. Now though, it drives me crazy. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want more. I'm tired of it.

Maybe the difference is that I don't know if it will ever end or if I'll come out all right because I've been depressed for almost a decade now with very little relief. The only relief were the few hypomanic episodes I had and those seem to have gone completely with the mood stabiliser.

Anyway, I am ok!! :)

SquarePeg
04-17-13, 06:44 AM
I have no experience with this. But I don't think you're wrong at all. As if you were saying "I've been here before, I know how this will go, it's a hard road and a bad road but I know the way and I will come out all right." If that's what you're saying, I think it makes good sense.

And if a person feels the opposite, saying "I don't know what this is, this feels all wrong", then they would be more in need of help and support.

I think this is helpful. My daughter seems to be suffering from what fracturedstory describes (PMDD) and until we get a diagnosis I have explained that these periods of hopleness and all those other awful feelings I have described in another post will pass, as they always do. Just know that it is a long tunnel but there will be light eventually. (bad news is that it comes back again a month later).

Hugs to you Fuzzy xx

Fuzzy12
04-17-13, 06:54 AM
I think this is helpful. My daughter seems to be suffering from what fracturedstory describes (PMDD) and until we get a diagnosis I have explained that these periods of hopleness and all those other awful feelings I have described in another post will pass, as they always do. Just know that it is a long tunnel but there will be light eventually. (bad news is that it comes back again a month later).

Hugs to you Fuzzy xx


Regarding PMS (or PMDD) it's actually very true for me as well. When I realised that I was at my worst every time before my periods it really helped knowing that my anxiety in particular was something very physiological (rather than things being actually that bad) and that I would feel better again in a few days.

Abi
04-17-13, 07:00 AM
i can rename the thread for you, if you'd like :)

Fuzzy12
04-17-13, 07:07 AM
i can rename the thread for you, if you'd like :)

Thanks Abi, maybe I should just call it: "More of the constant drama" :doh:

Could you call it maybe "Mixed emotions"? It's not entirely accurate but I can't think of anything else.

Thanks tons!! :grouphug:

keliza
04-17-13, 12:30 PM
I think this is helpful. My daughter seems to be suffering from what fracturedstory describes (PMDD) and until we get a diagnosis I have explained that these periods of hopleness and all those other awful feelings I have described in another post will pass, as they always do. Just know that it is a long tunnel but there will be light eventually. (bad news is that it comes back again a month later).

I have a similar experience with my migraines. I have basilar artery migraines and in the postdrome (period of time after the migraine where the brain is returning to normal) I become profoundly depressed. I have no idea why, but it lasts for about a week after the migraine and then lets up again. It is a distinct depression from the type I feel when I am having a bipolar mood episode, and it only lasts for around 4-7 days and then it goes away.

It's horrible, but knowing what causes it is helpful to a degree, because I can tell myself, "This is not going to last for very long. It's awful but by this time next week it will be gone. Just hang in there." I wish there were more I could do, but at least now I have that level of perspective for it.

fracturedstory
04-18-13, 01:02 AM
Thanks Fractured. I hope you are feeling better again. Did you go to the hospital?
I didn't think I needed to. Well I kind of did but didn't go but I'm fine now. It's been a confusing time for me.


I'm not sure this applies to me. I seem to get more hopeless with every depressive episode. My depression tolerance threshold seems to have reduced. Before I started taking anti depressants, I had kind of resigned to feeling depressed. Now though, it drives me crazy. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want more. I'm tired of it.

Maybe the difference is that I don't know if it will ever end or if I'll come out all right because I've been depressed for almost a decade now with very little relief. The only relief were the few hypomanic episodes I had and those seem to have gone completely with the mood stabiliser.

Anyway, I am ok!! :)

I can understand that. For me, I know it's temporary, even though I still have PMDD. After one particularly bad episode I got up, bought a lot of stuff and proceeded to build stuff. I was feeling great all day and I wasn't on any meds. Then I felt something I first called melancholia and then 'low-grade depression.' It was unpleasant but not threatening.
My moods are short lasting so I think that's how I can get through the low times. One theory I have for the change in depression levels is I took myself completely away from people and that's when I still felt depressed but not that really severe depression. Still, I should probably get on medication for it.

On anti-depressants I lose all rigid and obsessional (interests) behaviour but I think it's something I may just have to go through. It's the opposite to what I am now so it feels weird and rather daunting. But hopefully my ADHD meds can make me have some form of structure.