View Full Version : weekend drinking


damnthedoodle
04-28-13, 01:47 PM
My wife works noc shift each fri, sat, and sun. I stay home and take care of our kids, and try to fit in some studies if I'm able. Between work and sleep, my wife is awake for only about 2-3 hrs/day on these days while I play Mr. Mom. Most of these days I will drink, probably for the past year (around the time my second daughter was born). I don't get blitzed, but I have ~2 to 4 beers. I like high quality imports or micros that are generally a little stronger than bud light etc and have a low alcohol tolerance, so I definitely do get a good buzz. I do not drink any alcohol during the week because my wife and I both know that I am very prone to addiction and have slipped into a daily habit on several occasions in the past. She really helps hold me accountable during the week (please don't take this as her controlling me, I am choosing to stop drinking at this time).

I told my pdoc that I would try to stop drinking (entirely - not a sip) for the next month until our appointment. This was my first weekend and I already failed...Urge is too strong, wife went to work and I picked up a six pack, which led to me staying up until 3am last night making posts on here and watching youtube videos.....terrible use of time that is very precious right now...

I know I have a problem, even if I'm not drinking my eyeballs yellow or binging until I puke. I want to be able to enjoy beer because, well, I really do love beer...I love the way it tastes, enjoy the calming effects, enjoy socializing while buzzed, enjoy brewing beer (close friend does this and I like to help him occasionally), and who doesn't love drunkish sex??

Anyways, cravings are literally non-existent when I'm with my wife. When she goes to work and my meds wear off at night though, I feel incapable of just saying "no" - I feel guilty later, lie to my wife about it, hide it, bury the regret and let it simmer while I slowly sink further into depression. I can see it affecting me the next day (mostly because of sleep deprivation...I generally go to bed buzzed at 3am and wake up ~6 or 7am with my kids and my wife gets home shortly after). I know it is causing problems...why can't I just stop??

It's stupid. I bought the beer (last night) telling myself I was only going to limit myself to 1 beer with a 1am bed time. I was doing homework assignments at the last second which were due at midnight, just one beer in one hour to relax afterwards. Ended up drinking 4 and falling asleep sometime after 3am, got ~4 hours sleep, and now have a large assignment due by midnight again while caring for my girls and making sure my wife gets enough sleep for work....

Any suggestions to help me out here?? cravings seem worse when my med wears off (more impulsivity?) and my wife is gone (no accountability?).

I want to hate alcohol because I know and can see how it is affecting me, but I enjoy and crave it anyways...

Sorry for the text wall, thanks for any suggestions or encouraging responses.

dvdnvwls
04-28-13, 04:06 PM
This type of unwanted drinking is like p**sing on the floor; it's easier at the time, but you regret it later because of the stinking mess you're left with.

ADHDers have a very strong tendency to do whatever is easier at the time, because we don't consider the future very clearly (or "at all", it sometimes feels like). I believe your wife's being there is a strong reminder of the future, and that that's why you don't do this when she's around - I think your cravings are as strong as ever while she's there, but your "future view" is more active while she's present.

Any way that you can keep a little bit more "future view" after she leaves? Reminders? New habits?

damnthedoodle
04-28-13, 05:38 PM
Haha, your analogy is spot on. I think you're right about craving when she's there also, but I don't want to disappoint her - which would be an immediate consequence of drinking after promising myself and others I wouldn't. It would be kind of like telling a cop to f*** off after he says he'll let you go with a warning...

New habits would be perfect....I should go right to bed after midnight (when a lot of my homework assignments are due each weekend) so that I can be sure to get at least 6-7 hours of sleep....

dvdnvwls
04-28-13, 06:00 PM
If you should, then why don't you? I'm not being a smartaxx, it's a serious question.

damnthedoodle
04-28-13, 06:31 PM
Because I don't want to, heh. I don't get much time to myself on the weekend, and I'm usually pretty stressed out, so after the girls are sleeping and my assignments are scrapped together and uploaded at the last moment, I get to spend a little bit of time in my nothing box (reference from some marriage counselor comedian dude). Problems arise when I jump into my nothing box with some delicious beers and don't want to get out.....

I've been depressed for a while too, that adds an occasional sense of apathy that I really wish I could get rid of for good...

dvdnvwls
04-28-13, 07:43 PM
Well, IMO, if you don't want to, then you're not going to. If you change your "want", then your "do" will hopefully change by itself.

Many of my wants are based on now, and they tend to cause a problem for not-now. Having wants that involve the future is hard, or impossible, for you & me, and we need to find a way around that so we can stop regretting stuff so often.

dresser
04-28-13, 07:51 PM
Your story reminds me of all the storys I'v listened to N just about word for word including my own(the one I used when I first met ppl from AA) AA ppl call it a 12 step. and from them
N their storys got the "message" about booze -mental -emotional -spiritual asspects N state of my sick life. I have gone on many 12 steps(carrying the message to the drunk). some places I had to go were the hard end of town and many of the folk were very irrational. don't stand in front of the door when ringing the bell or knocking they may have changed their minds and are now insulted angry embaresed and mean OOOO yea rich ppl also. like
most ppl they live on a river called Denile . my suggestion is stop the booze . you said enough for me to think you've heard all this before and are now lookin for an easier softer way. (and being that I always speak and write using anolgy- building picture) you have a choice. there are only 2 sides to a hole in the ground "inside or outside" Iether get of the river of Denile or drowned. there is more help out there today than when I sobered N cleaned up, . go talk with a doctor who is aware of drugys N drunks or councelers for both
I whish you well and if you are ****in N shakin at anytime and feel you want to talk call me
I'll be there. And for that I am re-sponcible , cant spell it but I sure can do It.

Asylum
04-28-13, 09:34 PM
My Dad was a drinker, so nothing I say will be polite. You may want to skip this post. I hate this man so much that its actually gone beyond hate and is now complete apathy. He wasn't there at all - he was either at the pub, drinking, or at home, drinking. He wasn't a parent in any sense of the word and, when he did take a rare interest in me, it was to explain his many and bizarre speculations on the world in a drunken, repetitive slur or be abusive. You can choose your kids or your beer, but you can't have both, despite the many protests and justifications you make in your head. The fact that you seem to be somewhat blaming your wife for your drinking is a sign you've already got a stack of excuses going on. You drink because you can't not drink. If you want to give up but physically can't, you're addicted. If you're an alchoholic, go to rehab, or whatever it is you do in your country. Or keep drinking. You only really have two choices. If you do keep drinking, it will become the no. 1 priority in your life; more important than your wife, kids, whatever it is that you're studying for, your own health etc. But you'll have your beer.

dvdnvwls
04-28-13, 10:02 PM
Asylum - not everybody is your dad. Not everybody who drinks is a drunk. Some of the best and most responsible parents I know drink occasionally. (And some of the most harmful and most despicable parents never touch alcohol.)

There's no quick easy answer. If we pretend there is one, it doesn't help.

Asylum
04-28-13, 10:12 PM
Some of the best and most responsible parents I know drink occasionally.

He wasn't talking about occasional drinking, was he? The fact that you're minimising speaks volumes.

damnthedoodle
04-28-13, 10:57 PM
Thanks for the posts everyone. I grew up with alcoholic parents too Asylum, and I do not wish to turn into what they were at all. I am not a bad father and really refuse to listen to that portion of your post...I play with my girls every day, feed them most of their meals, change most of their diapers, bathe them every night and read them stories before bed.

I really don't think I am blaming my wife at all; she has nothing to do with my drinking aside from the fact that when I am with her I do not drink.

I'm not trying to make excuses, only writing down how I feel at this time. If I wanted to minimize the issue and make excuses, I would write about how a six pack of beer in a week isn't problem drinking (as friends and family have both told me, even though I know better) and probably wouldn't have posted at all, but would just keep at it.

I can see that I'm trying to rationalize it and justify it and that my attitude needs to change. It is hard to get to the point where I do not want to drink; when I was working out regularly I rarely drank because I only allowed myself one "cheat day" per week, and ate extremely healthy the other six days. I actively wanted to not drink during this time, and that actually worked for me. I guess I should give that lifestyle a shot again haha.

dresser
04-28-13, 11:54 PM
dvd if you havnt been there in this case do not go there this requireas experience not oppinions , opinions are killing him another word for oppinions is justification we all hit our bottoms hopfully and when we get clear, clean, and changed is when I can see that most of the oppinions I had were justifications in disguise Im still having to get rid of them N I work at it. there was a time I would not have said this, not today. he has a right to hit his bottom
some of us are lucky to hit a bottom, that is where a NEW can start. the bottom forces me to listen to what I refuse to listen to, were all on the river of denile . maybe this bottom will be his first taste of some direction N hope. because bottoms are Gods method of getting some of the self centered self indulgent Ego maniacs to Listen. no this is not an opinion it is
However an ongoing ever developing beautyfully rough EXPERIENCE.

dresser
04-29-13, 12:23 AM
doodle photo copy this thread for future refearnces or a good old bull session. I't would be nice for me to have something In writing that I was talkin about before I sobered N cleaned up and even the rough times Iv had just to look at me thinkin then and now . something like a time laps library. because it would be nice to "firmly" see my growth from then till now. feel free to call me anytime. but ye photo copy this thread and see what you' have' said
just call bud Ill be there stay well call a D and A centre or a doctor

anonymouslyadd
04-29-13, 01:07 AM
Moderator note: Please keep your posts on topic. The OP asked for strategies and support.

damnthedoodle
04-29-13, 01:10 AM
Well, IMO, if you don't want to, then you're not going to. If you change your "want", then your "do" will hopefully change by itself.

Many of my wants are based on now, and they tend to cause a problem for not-now. Having wants that involve the future is hard, or impossible, for you & me, and we need to find a way around that so we can stop regretting stuff so often.

I'm wondering if my response came out wrong; I meant that I don't want to go to sleep at midnight, but I would rather stay up for a short while and have some time to myself.

I definitely live in the present, and I'll probably never be able to completely overcome this. I always have goals for the future (ie grad school) but I also seem to prevent myself from reaching those goals when left to my own devices (ie never would have completed my undergrad without my wife's help, and it still took me seven years).

I do want to stop drinking (or, more accurately, feel like I am completely in control of my drinking, including abstaining without extreme effort) but I'm not really sure how to make myself not want to drink....

I don't know how I ever quit smoking, but I hid that from my wife in the same manner. For a good two years or more. I wanted to quit, but it was so hard to say no...It wasn't just physical addiction that I was fighting, because I sometimes did go a week or two without a single puff before slipping back into the habit. I literally do not know how or even when I quit smoking, but I haven't had a cigarette in 4 or 5 years. I used to love cigarettes as well, especially the first one of the day. I didn't want to give them up, but somehow I did...

Sorry dresser but your posts are extremely difficult to follow and I can't really tell what the bottom line of your messages are, but they just seem like deranged scare tactics for the most part...I do have a great doctor though, who I am honest with and will help me figure all of this crap out. And, for the record, he has suggested AA which I am planning on attending after the semester wraps up. We (P-doc and me) have a full hour meeting in 4 weeks to discuss an antidepressant and dropping the vyvanse for a while (which I feel may have played a role in my recent worsening depression). I am not completely ignoring the issue, just looking for more insight on these boards.

dresser
04-29-13, 01:25 AM
Im relived to know that others see the same things I see. It confirms I am being objective
you see I not only have and ADD inventory I have a me Inventory also maybe that because
I started the ME inventory 36or37yr before I knew there was such an animal called ADD oops adhd

sarahsweets
04-29-13, 04:21 AM
I am not you so I cant tell you you have an alcohol problem or that youre an alcoholic BUT one of the hallmarks of alcoholisim is that you want to stop drinking but cant. Sometimes a 12 step program can help. Remember that continuing to drink when you dont want to will mean that you will develop even more of an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and the cycle of drinking+self hatred+desire to stop+giving in and drinking ayway will only get worse with time. I suggest at the very least for you to see an addictions counselor. You may not be rehab worthy but you say you want to stop and cant so that indicates to me, that you need professional help.

Amtram
04-29-13, 08:14 AM
However. . .one of the hallmarks of ADHD is addictive behaviors. When I smoked, I smoked three packs a day. When I drank, I drank more than a six-pack. But when I was given an ultimatum about the smoking, I quit cold turkey. And when my psychiatrist gave me an antidepressant that worked and a lecture that it was so dangerous to drink and take antidepressants that he would stop giving me the prescription if I drank, I stopped drinking, too.

If you're not getting treatment for depression, you should probably look into it. The way you're drinking and the situation during which you're drinking sure look a lot more like self-medication than alcoholism or even just liking the taste of the beer, IMHO. If you are getting treatment for depression, you might need to change what you're doing.

Sometimes you don't necessarily need a 12-step program, you just need a reason to stop.

damnthedoodle
04-29-13, 10:44 AM
Amtram, I am not being treated for depression at this moment because I only brought it up during a 20 minute med check appointment where we didn't get to discuss matters in as much detail as we needed to. I have a longer appointment scheduled after the semester ends and we're going to discuss my options.

I waisted a good 2 or 3 years smoking 2-3 packs/day and getting *drunk* 4-5 times/week, so I've seen that side of the coin first hand also. That was different than what I'm going through now (I'm pretty sure); I was not depressed (I don't think anyways), just living like an idiot, making loud music, and being surrounded by bad influences. I think you're probably right about now - self medicating and just refusing to let go of it at this time.

Nate W
05-01-13, 07:49 PM
I started out drinking like you and many years later ended up at 15 beers A DAY and alcohol did not give me a lift any more! You DO NOT want to go there, trust me on that. I kid you not. It is a risk. Couldn't live with or without alcohol. It's a very dark place.

I will say it is extremely difficult to stop drinking while alcohol is doing something for you (that wonderful "not a care in the world, everything in life is perfect, mellow buzz").

I will also say that it is common for alcohol to be used to medicate ADHD (it provides a dopamine increase) and actually does work (like smoking and nicotine). So it may be wise to take your ADHD medication and like you say, easier to not drink when doing so.

And then there is AA if you think you are, or are a potential, alcoholic. That's what worked for me (ADHD meds came later).

--Nate

Amtram
05-01-13, 09:27 PM
There can be a lot of different reasons. For my own part, the depression treatment that worked, helped (I didn't stop drinking like a fish while I was on Paxil, for example.) But the interesting thing was that it was much more habit than addiction - as over the top as I was in anything I consumed, I still found it ridiculously easy to quit cold turkey. Moderation is impossible. That for me is more a hallmark of ADHD than depression.