View Full Version : Criqtique on my essay for english *NOT A DEBATE THREAD*

04-29-13, 09:38 PM
First and foremost, I don't want ANYBODY'S opinion on the subject in the essay, I don't want to know how you feel about it. This is not the debate thread, if I wanted to, I would've posted it there if I wanted to debate about it (had I had access to it). I just wanted feedback on my writing style and the content in the essay. When I say content of the essay, I don't want to know whether you agree with it or not, just if it's relevant to what I'm saying and fits, etc. Would greatly appreciate CONSTRUCTIVE criticism as to how I can improve my writing style. x3 Thanks. P.S. I'm a senior in highschool. :s :thankyou: :grouphug:

Background: I had to write an essay for English on any controversial subject that is going on in today's society. I chose gay marriage and this is my stance on said subject (copied & pasted from Word) Numbers represent new paragraph:

Morality and Same-Sex Marriage

1.Morality is a term that is subject to one’s own beliefs. People banter and fight over a subject such as gay marriage and what they view as moral may be completely different from someone else’s views. One person may find the entire concept of homosexuality and gay marriage in itself a complete abomination and wouldn’t turn their head at the subject, while someone else finds it just as the same as a sacred bond between a man and a woman. What a person finds morally right or wrong completely depends on the persons own beliefs. Bible thumpers in today’s society try to drill into people’s unsuspecting, innocent young minds that “homosexuality is a sin!” and that “gay marriage is an abomination!” without a question of what is morally right and wrong. Morality has a severely twisted and altered meaning from what everyone else perceives as morally right. Since the United States was founded by English Colonists, most Americans are of the Christian or Catholic theology. Early in a young Christian’s life, most of them are to believe that you shouldn’t curse or commit adultery. Another thing that is “thumped” into their skulls is that marriage is sacred and should stay between a man and a woman and that anything else would be a crime against humanity and God. Because of this, most Americans all the way until recently had seen homosexuality as an abomination and something sinister that should be kept in the shadows. But as the veil of lies has finally started to lift out of people’s eyes, people are finally realizing that there is nothing wrong with it and that to deny that right would be not only unconstitutional but universally morally wrong despite what anyone thinks. Gay people should be allowed to marry because to deny that right would be morally wrong, promote hate and inequality, and would stand for everything America is against, freedom.
2.Americans today view things such as incest, infidelity, bestiality, polygamy, genocide, drug abuse, and a plethora of other things as morally wrong. But something that is hot for debate and is being questioned morally is gay marriage. Religious fanatics argue that “legal recognition of same-sex ‘marriage’ would necessarily obscure certain basic moral values, devalue traditional marriage, and weaken public morality” (TFPSA 13). They argue that it would make morality lower, when morality is already as low as it could possibly be. There are things like prostitution, drug-abuse, pornography, and strip clubs. Public morality could not get any lower than it is. Not only that, but allowing gays to marry would not affect public morality in any way because it does not promote any bad behavior but instead promotes love and family values. Same-Sex marriage promotes everything they are saying it doesn’t promote. Homosexuality has been around for as long as we know; there have been instances of homosexuality long before America was even colonized. Another thing that religious people argue is that “Same-sex ‘marriage’ opposes nature. Two individuals of the same sex, regardless of their race, wealth, stature, erudition or fame, will never be able to marry because of an insurmountable biological impossibility” (TFPSA 17). While there is indeed a biological impossibility that prevents two same-sex partners to create life, there are definitely many other methods of which that can create life. There are things such as surrogacy, artificial insemination, and things like sperm banks. Religions tend to forget about all the alternatives there are to create life and assume that same-sex couples cannot create life. Not only is this not true, but to say that same-sex relationships oppose nature would be ill-natured and asinine.
3.Not long ago, blacks and whites were not allowed to marry because of the unequal treatment of African-Americans. The Civil Rights movement sparked a lot of debate and a lot of questions. Not only that, but it promoted a lot of hate. People were very hateful and cruel towards African-Americans because they felt that were not equal to white folk and did this to preserve what they thought was sacred. They did whatever they could to deny them equality under the law and did whatever hateful and spiteful things they could to stop any progress. However, they obviously lost and the Civil Rights Act of 1964 was passed, thereby banning segregation and making African-Americans equal under the law. Something that pertains more to same-sex marriage but has to do with civil rights was marriage between a black man and a white woman. Thought of such thing was shunned and wouldn’t even be discussed. It was seen as evil and sinister. By the “1920’s, 38 states had prohibited whites from marrying blacks and certain Asians” (Levy 6). The real reason people did this, was that they were scared. They were afraid of what would happen to the “American lifestyle” and the “family values” they held so true and dear and that allowing blacks and whites to marry would destroy these. “To pass constitutional muster, racial discrimination had to survive ‘strict scrutiny’ by the courts. Government had to demonstrate a compelling need for its regulations, show they would be effective and narrowly craft the rules so they didn’t sweep more broadly than necessary. That same regime should apply when government discriminates based on gender preference” (Levy 7).
4.Denying homosexuals the right to marry goes against everything the country stands for, freedom. Our founding fathers created our country in order to escape the liberating rule of England. The very first sentence of the second paragraph of the Declaration of Independence, the founding fathers state that “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness” (US 1776). African Americans fought hundreds and hundreds of years to get their freedom and equal protection under the law. Fighting for a losing side such as going against civil rights of African Americans or equal rights for women would only prove you as a hateful, incompetent person. People should not judge someone’s beliefs or lifestyle if they have not walked a mile in their shoes. It would not be fair to provide someone their right to marry and then call yourself a true American saying that you fight for everything America stands for and what America believes in. “Gay couples are entitled to the same legal rights and the same respect and dignity accorded to all Americans” (Levy 12) because they are exactly the same as everyone else and are just as American as everyone else.
5.Denying Gay couples the right to marry goes against everything America has fought for. It would not be fair to deny them the right to marry after everything our country has gone through, it has come a long way to stop now and deny someone the right to love. Morality is definitely in question when debating gay marriage because it is morally wrong to stop someone from having a life with the person they love. No one would like to be denied the right to spend their life with their mate. Something very similar was fought only fifty years ago, African Americans and Whites were not allowed to marry until the Civil Rights Act of 1964, allowing their equality. It would be foolish to fight for the losing side when history has proved that people can truly achieve equality when they fight for it.

Works Cited:
“10 Reasons Why Homosexual “Marriage” Is Harmful and Must Be Opposed.” 10 Reasons Why Homosexual “Marriage Is Harmful and Must be Opposed. TFP Student Action, n.d. Web. 29 Apr. 2013.

Levy, Robert A. “The Moral and Constitutional Case for a Right to Gay Marriage.” Cato Institute. Cato Instittue, n.d. Wb. 29 Apr. 2013.

04-29-13, 11:03 PM
Are people not allowed to reply? xD