Hi -
I am new to the Forum and have been dating a man since last fall who had shared with me he had Adult ADD. While at the time I really didn't give it much thought - actually he had referred to it as a "disease" which I had not heard it referenced as nor did I really think it was a big issue. He indicated he chose not gouse the medication route and was doing the coaching etc.

With that being said, I have noticed a couple of instances like "checking out" while we are in the middle of a conversation, not calling back when we get interrupted on an earlier call , talking some days multiple times then going 3-4 days with nothing - asking if he "cares" or does he not realize that is disrespectful etc...and other things.

At anyrate - I like to know about things that I am not familiar with so I came online and searched Adult ADD, and I was WOWed! The struggles that people go on with are amazing. As I read articles, quotes, some of the forum topics it was like a huge light bulb got turned on...I see and hear all these things that he has said and connect them to his behaviors.

I have not shared with him that I have done my own research but I am truly looking for some guidance as to how to approach this with him. The things that I see are all talked about...I truly have great feeling for him and would like to continue to get to know him - but I am feeling I really need to learn about what he deals with - and I don't want to be offensive or judgemental in doing so.

Actually I was thrilled to know that some of his behaviors truly are unintentional and he DOES care about us and moving forward.

Any suggestions?

Hi there and welcome to the forums. Sounds like your ADD boyfriend found a great lady. Nice of you to do some extra research, it's easy to get frustrated and say to heck with it, move on.

Really just researching it yourself is a great start. I believe the book "Adults with ADD" (got it at my library, so if I got the title wrong it's wrong for free) has a section on how family and friends can cope with the ADDer and all our quirks. Make sure you don't burn out taking care or being considerate of his needs and see to your own as well. Maybe show him this forum. Coaching is great, our administrator Tara is a coach, but I like knowing people in the same mental boat as me (even if we are sinking or treading water). I've heard good things here about the book "Romance and ADD" or maybe it's the other way around. Just do a search and you'll read other posts on it. I'm under the impression it's one of those books that you can cozy up to together. There's a private non-add partner support forum for those intimate details and frustrations you'd rather not vent openly to 4500 people. Feel free to check it out and shmooze with other people who have learned to love us with (or in spite of) our ADD.

Please don't hesitate to ask a moderator (in green) or an administrator (in red) for any help.

congratulation on caring for someone so much. I admire you for wanting to help him and read up on what he is going thru. There should be more caring individual like you. As for me I was just recently dx and dont have any suggestions other than to try to understanding and listen to his feelings. Sound like you are on the right road. auntchris

Aunt Chris and Eyeforgot...

Thank you for responding. That in and of itself is a blessing for me as I so want to do this right!

Question for you both - HOW do I get him to tell me his feelings about his daily struggles without being nosy or condescending? What kinds of questions will set up the situation to not be threatening? Now I am almost worried to broach it all because I am finding by my research it is sooo big.

I have tried to get on the private forums and it says my password is not valid so I guess I don"t know how.

Obviously we are in the beginning stages of our relationship and I want to do this right. He has been married before and a comment on a different thread about "getting over it in a week" leads me to believe folks that truly do struggle with adult ADD have a whole different minset about relationships. Do you find that to be true?

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thanks again,
Just me

I'll pass on your name to an admin to send you the password.

As a female, or maybe it's just me, but ranting or sharing my feelings, or expressing my mood comes real easy....too easily. Subtlety is not my strong suit. So I imagine it's not the same for your guy. If he's just been diagnosed he might not have words for what he's going through. I'd say, recognize the signs, tell him your observation and possible solution if appropriate (don't turn into his mother, you'll regret it). I'm looking forward to other's responses as well. I wonder what it's like to not pester, though I am no longer a nag to my hubby's relief. (and he's a Normal)

Welcome to the forums!

I think you've taken a big step by realizing that he does not do these things on purpose.
Someone above made the comment not to let him become dependant on you. This is a very common problem.
Basically, a person with ADHD can have a very difficult (and frustrating) time keeping up with all the little details that day to day life demands. It can actually be quite exhausting.
When someone comes along in their life who can keep up with these things, there is a tendancy for the ADHD person to slowly but surely dumb the whole load of responsibility in the non-ADD'ers lap.
Needless to say, after a while it turns into a more or less parent-and-child type of relationship but with the ADD'er being subtly resentful at being dependant on another person, and the non-ADD'er being resentful at having to take care of an adult child.

The fact that your BF has a coach says a lot of good things about him--that he wants to learn to deal with things himself.
For a simple example, lets say that he can't balance his checkbook or bank statement. Don't take over the job and do it for him. Rather, sit down with him and help him to do it.

I can't tell you how to approach him; but if you show yourself to be sincerely and symphathetically interested in his ADHD, you will be leaving the door open for him to share with you.

Well, we had another date last night and I think it was the most productive of all. I found myself really listening and doing the things you all suggested - looking right at him, touching him when he started wandering n the conversation and just letting him go on. It was very peaceful and comfortable - seems strange to call a date peaceful.

I know we will have a long way to go - but I am going totry and let him find his way without me directing it all. I shared with him that he had to have some ownership of where we go - now I just hope he can do it. Guess I have to hang on for the ride.

He hasn't asked to do anything later this week or weekend but we do have plans for next...that I initiated...but we'll see if he comes around.

I want to thank you all for the comments. They have been more than helpful. One step at a time I guess!

the biggest thing is to just be patient.

we tend to wander off subject, to look around, i personally have trouble putting my feelings and thoughts into words; just continue to be patient dont blame him for something he can not control.

I would be the poster child for what NOT to do when involved with an ADD'er. Doing what I've done leads you down a very dark road that is filled with disappointment, anger, and regret.

A short list of what not to do and things to watch out for is:

1. Doing "it" for them, whatever "it" is. As has been stated, it seems like a good idea at first, but ultimately you end up being the nag or having to do everything for them. Nobody likes a nag, including the one who has to do the nagging. You will get burned out if you have to do everything for them.

2. Thinking "if i just say or do x, y, or z, they will come around". Nope, you're setting yourself up for serious disappointment if you do. They will only do what they can or intend to do, regardless of what you say or do. Certainly some things are more or less helpful than others, but ultimately THEY have to do, or not do, it.

3. Before you seriously commit to them, ask yourself "if this person never changes one bit, am I still going to enjoy a lifetime with them"? If the answer is no, do yourself a favor and end it.

4. What are you getting out of this? Is this a healthy relationship for YOU? By that I mean, are you prone to co-dependency, do you feel good about yourself mainly by helping others? If so, rethink this relationship.

5. Money talks, BS walks. Don't allow "i'm sorry" to be a continually good enough reason for them not meeting YOUR needs. If they can't do what you need now, it's not going to magically happen overnight, or possibly ever.

Welcome and good luck.

At_wits_end

I have just printed off your 5 points to consider. They truly are the best thing I have seen and/or read and I must remember them. All of them DO apply to my situation and as hard as they are to address, they are absolutely the truth.,

I have already experienced some thing in/from each of your items. Guess I will just have to see how far this might go and evaluate as they happen.

He is a wonderful man - we are very much on the ame page on lifestyle, values, philosphy of what we want in a relationship and life time partenr - just don;t know if we can achieve it together.

I guess I am more trying to understand the dynamics of our relationship ( just like any other) and how we interact - and the ADD thing is just another piece of the puzzle. I don't want to solely base any decisions on that aspect alone, but certainly it is a consideration. Nor do I want to jump ship too fast because of fear of the unknown either.

Thank you again for being so direct and candid.

Just me.

As you prolly know by now, candid and direct are no problem for an ADDER, JustMe.
;)

I would be the poster child for what NOT to do when involved with an ADD'er. Doing what I've done leads you down a very dark road that is filled with disappointment, anger, and regret.

A short list of what not to do and things to watch out for is:

1. Doing "it" for them, whatever "it" is. As has been stated, it seems like a good idea at first, but ultimately you end up being the nag or having to do everything for them. Nobody likes a nag, including the one who has to do the nagging. You will get burned out if you have to do everything for them.

2. Thinking "if i just say or do x, y, or z, they will come around". Nope, you're setting yourself up for serious disappointment if you do. They will only do what they can or intend to do, regardless of what you say or do. Certainly some things are more or less helpful than others, but ultimately THEY have to do, or not do, it.

3. Before you seriously commit to them, ask yourself "if this person never changes one bit, am I still going to enjoy a lifetime with them"? If the answer is no, do yourself a favor and end it.

4. What are you getting out of this? Is this a healthy relationship for YOU? By that I mean, are you prone to co-dependency, do you feel good about yourself mainly by helping others? If so, rethink this relationship.

5. Money talks, BS walks. Don't allow "i'm sorry" to be a continually good enough reason for them not meeting YOUR needs. If they can't do what you need now, it's not going to magically happen overnight, or possibly ever.

Welcome and good luck.

At_wits_end
Wow very interesting post ....Thank you..!!!

As you prolly know by now, candid and direct are no problem for an ADDER, JustMe. ;)
I know you're just being flip, but...

I would simply point out that inattentive types are not like this at all. They are actually the exact opposite. I can say that based upon my ADD'er, she's an inattentive "the dreamer" type. Type II, IIRC. The only way I can get the deep down truth out of her is by digging through 18 layers of defense mechanisms and force the truth to come to light. Unfortunately, this takes a LOT of effort, which is not always easy to come up with, particularily at the end of a hard day at work.

For the record, I'm not an ADD'er; i'm just a guy who's willing to say what my experiences have been like living with one, and i'm trying to figure out where I/we went wrong in our relationship. Probably doesn't hurt that I could give a flying BLEEP what anybody might think or know about me, so I'm willing to say it like it is. At least in MY experience anyway. See NF, no more generalizations! :)

Besides, if we aren't candid, how the heck are we ever going to get any help? It's not like we have anything to be ashamed of, it's simply the story of our lives and loves.

Glad to hear my words might help someone, or at least be thought provoking.

At_wits_end

At wit end....I think you actually cited the exact good reasons not to get into any relationship ADD or not. So i dont think personaly your post was offensive ect.
I truely beleive personaly in everything you said. And to be honest even it lit my lamp on something i had forgotten.
So please post away, and offend me some more LOL:p