View Full Version : warning - respectful resignation of hope - abandon ship unless u can ...?


Blanched Dubois
05-02-13, 10:59 AM
i am not in constant back pain and or arthritis pain ( mri, scans, yrs of dr history) untreated till 2003 - did go the gamut of test for everything;

not gonna list, i'm a reason why people off themselves...and its just what i think is true.

I messed up doing a 6 week cleanse in '11 after 4 yrs on pain meds i didn't abuse and got addicted, of course. I digress about pain pills for stenosis so bad my dr's said 'im so sorry'....They worked but my add/ptsd was just numbed. Put aside cus everyone esle was falling apart. We all lived thru the housing/financial shocker which i saw signs of in 2004-5 as a investment bank mgr...i sought dr help for all issues. takes time and money..and support...had some....till

When career tanked the yr hubby died, kid was totalled...i mentioned already that my remaining family is estranged the rest long dead...i got that noone's promised an 'easy life' ..but that yr i i don't remember much. Just trying to keep the boy helped...but i got i'd been hit upside the head worse than ever and reached out for all help out there....add was SO bad...and then it all ended with a horror story killing 3 animals forcing me to leave for here.

traumatized

told my 'mother' go live anywhere else...and a 'brother' waiting to cash in on hated mother who has never made effort to be uncle to his only nephew...and i am a great aunt to his kids, till i just cut off cus it takes two to tango and i don't do one sided relations

so i cleansed to assess pain lvl and cus i felt strong and supported - it hurt me and helped but ended up realizing that pain pills and meds are not 'poison' to the body unless i guess you abuse them

i need them to manage days like this....unreal....

neck-muscle pain, no more money for alt's, and long untreated add/ptsd without just supplements and meditation techniques....with life in a head on collision

makes me wish i could go poof

it's enough pain already and the process' and treatments aggravate it all for me

and i'm above all else a mom....and aware my disability is making my son crazy.....and conflicted tho try as i may to get him to separate and not take my life on....not his responsibility...no guilt......just some empathy, so he hugs, and we say i love u a lot

it's getting me thru the day....just want some quality....with all this time ticking by....everything an effort to get to ...

and u feel u just wish u weren't in your body anymore but won't do anything stupid and just ride it out like a bad acid trip ( never had - amazingly tho i saw a bad one once and scared me) ride ride ride

get past it....!! this is the hardest time of my life to date is all im saying
i'm sure i'm not alone :/

peripatetic
05-11-13, 11:25 PM
you're not alone. **** has sucked for me in a horrid way of late. it sucks off/on and sometimes there's just drift. i don't have back pain/arthritis, but i do go off into my own head for stretches. glad to see you posting as good to talk about it sometimes. take care x

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 12:00 AM
well get the hell outta yer head and i'll get outta the muscles around my middle and upper back esp on my wings forget the neck just grateful it's not worse cus i've heard some ya know bad stories
i like denial
it works for me
pain and i are old friends
i'd rather feel it though than use opiates
aspirin works ok mostly esp if i get massages a lot
costly
i was yelling at my pillow and muttering ****** off in my bathroom
thinking of this place and was like i just don't care what i'm doing i am not here to be perfect i dont do perfect in fact i like to mess with perfect just to muck it up see what happens
my neck cracks and pops and the pain is eased by things that grow naturally but aren't legal here YET
anyway thanks
{{{ peripatetic the unvanquished! supermoderato}}} you seem to know something about it be good to you

peripatetic
05-12-13, 12:02 AM
it's true, i certainly am no stranger to mental anguish, even if from different sources. be good to you as well. x

PS: i am absolutely certain the concept of perfection itself, much less its instantiation or attempted, is a sort of... it thwarts the dialectical movements...it twarts being becoming and is thus stagnation and pseudo death, not saying you said exactly that..but you said your'e not into perfect, so i'm with you on that one as well. ;-)

ginniebean
05-12-13, 01:50 AM
Blanche,

You're going thru hell and we're here for you. You have just an overwhelming amount on your plate right now. One thing at a time one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. It's not a race to feeling well, you've got guts and I know you'll continue.

You're definitely not alone.

sarek
05-12-13, 04:50 AM
Hi Blanche. Just wanted to chime in with Peri and Ginnie here. You are not alone. Sometimes all you can do is live second by second, just getting through them one at a time. To have no hopes, no fears, no expectations. Just to be.

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 10:29 AM
it's true, i certainly am no stranger to mental anguish, even if from different sources. be good to you as well. x

PS: i am absolutely certain the concept of perfection itself, much less its instantiation or attempted, is a sort of... it thwarts the dialectical movements...it twarts being becoming and is thus stagnation and pseudo death, not saying you said exactly that..but you said your'e not into perfect, so i'm with you on that one as well. ;-)

Keep talking because you have me listening...and it's important to me, what you have to say and thanks...from my heart of hearts maybe busted up, band-aided beyond belief, and in pieces but still beating....steadily.

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 10:39 AM
Hi Blanche. Just wanted to chime in with Peri and Ginnie here. You are not alone. Sometimes all you can do is live second by second, just getting through them one at a time. To have no hopes, no fears, no expectations. Just to be.

but this is the point of 'no return' ...do you see? i'm not just into myself, my own issues, i've been working on them since i did something when i was 8 that let everyone know i was listening,...just not to them and their *********. That little voice inside me ...that let me know they were all messed up but i didn't have to buy into it....i don't feel 'alone' i feel tired of a diseased world led by diseased power abusers led by diseased 'healers' and 'professionals' ...i want some justice and i want some fight left in those of us pushed to keep giving up by the insanity that is 'culture' and the lemmings who allow it all and especially the one's who abuse their control with all the responsibility and no authority who ballbust ya hoping they ***** u up more so you'll go away mad and worse for the wear.....and i'm tired of being thought of as just an 'upstart' or a 'know it all ' when clearly i admit i'm on to my own Sh*t - it's the best i can do - to be. I AM only one of millions but not afraid to open my big mouth...cus i'm not afraid to be penalized by the masses if i get to one like me....just one is enough....who 'gets it'.
thanks tho' i hear you...and it's not the stories that make us who we are it's what we do with it all....if i ever become satisfied....or 'happy' or 'comfortable' something is very very wrong....at this juncture and this time we all are passing thru...."we ALL have to wade through the snow to get to the cabin." I'm looking for a massive snow blower, heh.

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 11:12 AM
Blanche,

You're going thru hell and we're here for you. You have just an overwhelming amount on your plate right now. One thing at a time one day at a time and one foot in front of the other. It's not a race to feeling well, you've got guts and I know you'll continue.

You're definitely not alone.

i know and i'm here because of all of you, and i feel too much and see too much and hear too much ( i've always 'heard' -instinct- 100% intuitive and so accurate it's scares me) so that raw nerve is also a gift....and {{{Ginnie}}} you are right....i do that self talk....breathe i tell myself....sit back...don't react....wait....no rush....and i do it and i still get what i get

my words are well thought out...dwelled on for so long...like a zen koan....i kept quiet for so long until the internet exploded and in 2000 i joined my first online group called Friends in Community. It was like a transfusion to me.
So we are lucky here...truth be told....it's not all BS. just mostly...cus of our 'culture' and the never ending water-boarding of us all by the mediocre...and the labels....spoke to a friend of mine i've known since grade school - a real Jrrrsy boy, who is living with his wife but separated - for the kids....and he has add, his boy has it and his wife and him have kept the kid from getting the treatment because of their belief system about treating this illness and instead of seeing it as a gift they see it as a stigma....they haven't figured out yet how to get thru the system and bypass it...to win. I have...but look at the toll it takes....NOT OK. More people have to demand new ways of perceiving these 'diseases' that everyone has in some form....everyone is *****ed up in their own way!!!! EVERYONE.

i 'get' that....people are too afraid of real freedom...when you have 'real' freedom....it's mind blowing cus it's all on you...no one can or will direct you anymore....you have all the resources but your fear so deeply ingrained or whatever keeps you chained to a belief system that does not really support healthy living at all....and everyone is different and there is no one way cure all....so we have to keep encouraging each other and that IS why I'm here....learning how to juggle what i know is 'real' with a world that isn't...does that make sense?

most impt is that I have said before how grateful i am for this forum...sounded like words to some i'm sure...or just brown-nosing lol watever it's true for me - like ginnnie sees - i'm so tore up from the floor up and for so long the only thing keeps me going is my anger at the 'system' and 'culture'....it's NOT our friend....and ***** Facebook......it's a tool to simply plant seeds...for me.....my friends txt me .....i'm there saying what people think but won't or don't say for fear they'll be thought of as crazy...point is which person or people weren't thought of as 'crazy' who bucked the system and made changes....with help from others of like mind....it's not hopeless just exhausting cus the system is set up like that...to wear u down....i guess they didn't count on me and u guys whoever u are who also believe it's BS and will keep fighting the good fight and pave the way for the kids who'll follow who we followed...thanks to their guts....

if i wasn't a mom with a 'disabled' kid i'd probably just be backpacking thru some remote place uninvolved with the 'human race' at all...i did my time here...i would take that tibetan monestery....that mountain top i always wanted over this fight.....

and it is a fight..don't kid yourself....and i do thank u for the advice and care

i got used to not having it and figure maybe my life is a sort of sacrifice for the sake of getting my kid to at least have some quality and meaning and sense of adventure....like it was for me.....i didn't even acknowledge my isssues as problems or disabilities until i got slammed down a few times lol

i still don't know yet....but i'm writing about it....i've had this book in me so i'm doing a bit of that daily....aside from the business.....and stress of the depressed kid and a painful body he has to deal with from me
what a pair we are
but i feel for him....have wanted to send him on an outward bound program but his GI tract isn't and cant handle it

all in good time ...ok

but WHEN already??? lol

peripatetic
05-12-13, 11:46 AM
Keep talking because you have me listening...and it's important to me, what you have to say and thanks...from my heart of hearts maybe busted up, band-aided beyond belief, and in pieces but still beating....steadily.

absolutely, my new friend :-) will write more later as heading out to farm today. going to walk around and breathe some farm air and try to pick strawberries because i used to really enjoy that and maybe i'll like gardening again soon. x

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 11:56 AM
absolutely, my new friend :-) will write more later as heading out to farm today. going to walk around and breathe some farm air and try to pick strawberries because i used to really enjoy that and maybe i'll like gardening again soon. x

yep i've tried to just take time for me...so if it appears that i've ignored posts and haven't responded to some here....it's due to my needing so many breaks to rest....i don't spend too much time online....head can't take it and body neck etc burns stabs pain

i'll check back when i can - a farm sounds nice enjoy the peace thanks

ginniebean
05-12-13, 12:36 PM
absolutely, my new friend :-) will write more later as heading out to farm today. going to walk around and breathe some farm air and try to pick strawberries because i used to really enjoy that and maybe i'll like gardening again soon. x

Sounds like salve to the soul. Wish I could go with you, I love the smell of strawberries and dirt. :p

ginniebean
05-12-13, 12:43 PM
Blanche, you are uncommon wise with so much to give. I am just delighted by your perspective. I see a lot of things you speak of resonate with me.

To be fee

To be anger

To be fear

Brings up a lot of thoughts for me. My anger propelled me but also kept me isolated and ruined relationships, I still struggle. Fear, how to get to the point of acceptance? I'm seeing it in bits, no more apologies, no more shame, no more fault.

Being a fighter who sees life as a struggle, a war, wanting goodness to prevail I try to remember the words; "take nothing away, only add" GIG. Trying to take creates resistance. Anyway, I try. :)

mctavish23
05-12-13, 12:53 PM
Blanched,

In a very short time, you've already made a big impression. Everyone here has paid their

own unique set of dues to arrive at this place; at this time. I'm certainly no exception.

March 25th was 25 years of being clean + sober from cocaine / chemical dependency.

I'm also still "healing" from 9 years worth of daily work harrassment, that turned into

PTSD. After a series of EMDR (Trauma therapy) sessions, and major (work) management

changes, I'm on the mend. Coming here (FORUM) has been part of my ongoing "therapy"

ever since the harrassment started (Sept. 2003). So, I hope and pray things get better

for you, and I'm very glad you're here.

tc

Robert

Amtram
05-12-13, 01:01 PM
If you give up, then all the people who told you you were a failure will win. You don't want that, do you?

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 02:17 PM
thanks for all these much needed words of encouragement- you all help me - even those who haven't thought i've read your stories

man i'm up against the meds today...the barr dexir is just not smooth enough...i'll handle it with pdoc - he is willing to help - i am better but the jitters, no desire to be with people socially, and only just able to speak a bit here with force just sucks lol

i feel like it's the struggle with pain - nerves - the real adhd and ptsd that got too severe before it got treated - i really should be in a 'rest home' - and i'm fairly sure that would not be to my benefit with respect to my son....so i breathe thru this utter ugh

i told pdoc to put me on Mallinckrodt dex ir cus i am SO sensitive to anything or Desoxyn so i'll get it by being as cool as possible - cus the only thing good about this barr dexir is that it got me functioning again....but that's it....it's been too anxiety ridden on top of anxiety not helped by klonopin and i don't want to pop more pills - so i'm drinking more water and eating small meals thru the day....

and nervous...so uncomfortable....feel like a raw nerve.....but handling it...staying inside with limited contact...but i am distracted and have been....and of course it undermines my efforts at handling the tasks - the lawyer i'm certain felt my anxiety toward and questions my sanity - so i sent her an email with some of my credentials and references

i can't afford another year of blow off by 'pro's who don't believe me or presume I'm more trouble than i'm worth....i don't cause trouble....i just watch and make sure we're on same page respectfully....i mean i am paying for this....it's not 'free'

thanks again tho - yeah i feel so out of it there is no one i can really share this with but here....so thank you! relief central

dang meds.....pdoc said i might have trouble getting the Mall dex found but i did find pharm able to order that and the desoxyn and my insurance pays so i should have said please write it to be ordered but not filled till whatever date if he's worried about 'abuse issues' - i don't abuse....i got off pain pills cus of that....i knew i was being prejudiced and i was

dang system lol....i won't give up but i might die trying - just managing to be concise in speech and measured so pdoc gets i'm not a fookin' nut job or seeking a 'high' ...just want to feel 'ok' and do my business and then be able to relax at the pool and get some exercise....

on these i can barely want to get out of house....ptsd is way over the top - flashbacks come and i have no control

and the kid never leaves the house, started his meds today, and we give each other space but with him and our pets i'm never alone....never.....and that is just weird when it's been years like that

even without 'illness' that would wear on a person of that i'm sure

i think he'll get it....but already his 'nurse' told him i was 'rude' on the phone to her LOL

WTF is it with these 'helpers' - she doesn't get that i'm so close to the edge after so many years of misabuse malpractice and misdiagnosis let alone severe life crisis and challenges and transitions?? What do i need to do - bring her a fookin' apple?

I will NEVER like that type of abuse- because let me tell you something that IS abuse and it's been done to me by lots of dr's receptionists

and if they can't handle sick people why in the name of all that's holy do they do that for a living and then rat me to the Dr - who in this case understood and knows i'm not a rude person i've just beyond overwhelmed and walking thru my 90000th nervous breakdown with no one to give the reigns to here....no money for power of attorney and no one i'd trust anyway
in my family that is

so that's that

thanks....yeah....i hear all your stories...and it gives me strength to pull thru.....to the next appt. to get the med i need - what a load of horse poo poo

lol and OWWWWWWWY

midnightstar
05-12-13, 02:37 PM
I just wanted to say you're one of the ADDF family, we all love you here and want to help you :grouphug:

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 02:51 PM
the only thing that's making me laugh at myself right now and ignore the fact that i annoy my kid and he annoys me and it's just the disease lol is that i don't recall writing this thread

the title is HILARIOUS to me muahhahhahhahhahaha and i just keep seeing it pop up on my notifier thru my email goin to myself...that looks so funny i have to check it out but couldn't cus my meds have me only just able to function...still anxious, agoraphobic even and hyperactive

i pray i can get some relief from it from the right manufacturer and script - i got thru the first 2 weeks almost ....i'm still 'getting thru it' but dangit it's hard....it's not fair and i'm done taking 'their' easy way out ....

and faking it till ya make it is getting realllly hard...by that i mean...making sure i don't let the side effects of the meds and the 'gifts' / illness' ??? undermine my ability to have lady nurse answering phone realize i'm not hers to diagnose and her opinion is none of anyone's business - like SHADDUP GLADYS OK?????? you're a medical receptionist for a fookin shrink who specializes in PTSD'd out BISH"S who are doing their best not to off themselves - isn't a lifetime of passive suicide enough for ya??? i want to call her every name in the book - i want to show her my screenplay and ask her if she wants to play HER part in it
heh
do ya hear me now???? wanna put your hand on my heart? or would you prefer a cash incentive? sometimes i think these types don't realize how close they may ever be to someone really violent - cus i'm not - i just get to the point of vehemence which seems to be scary enough for all around me lol and i don't 'try' to be that way i just AM when backed into a corner by folks i'm paying to help me help myself and run a life

after the pdoc honestly shared with me his experience and belief in me - and - that i have to watch it with his nurse/receptionist....on my shaky way out i saw her and called her name and she looked at me and i said i'm sorry if i offended you on the phone i had no idea' and it made me cry dangitall.....i made so much extra unnecessary grief for me and she just felt so good ...i wish she had been fired and told to not to let the door hit her where the good lord split her.....why do I have to be something i'm incapable of being until i get the rest and proper meds in me long enough?

i didn't say anything wrong to her....but again...punished for a wounded voice....that is only offensive to those who really don't give a rat's butt what you're going thru cus it's as though we're pathetic and i feel it's the reverse - they're the ones who need the help
and we put up with them

think about it....or don't...maybe i'm wrong.....i don't think so....but that's my opinion

sensitivity training should be compulsary for her position and anyone in healthcare imo

what to do what to do when ur meds are failing....3 days less than 2 weeks on them...?

Blanched Dubois
05-12-13, 03:07 PM
I just wanted to say you're one of the ADDF family, we all love you here and want to help you :grouphug:


:thankyou::grouphug::goodpost::yes:

:D

:scratch:

:o

<3

{{{{{midnightstar}}}} i feel the same about you guys...it's AWESOME and daunting....admittedly....i swear i've had little of that so it's awkward for me cus i feel like an alien half the time lol

cus i don't like anyone at this point except ppl that admit we ARE all messed up in our own unique way and equal to each other..i really do fight for that when i have to ....and i don't do much social posting on FB - and i do keep my mouth shut when in public ...i've learned not to be able to trust that being myself will not get me hurt - by virtue of someone being mean and more powerful

such restraint is like another horrifying thing to put up with - ya gotta laugh cus it's utterly a catch 22 out here in our real world....total clusteruknowwhat

the whole time i was going thru this unmedicated over the top ADHD/PTSD'd out nervous breakdown - kid was at school and none of my friends or docs wanted anything to do with me....i didn't talk - didn't want to go out - was only able to keep a lid tight on it for the sake of my son and my beloved rott/lab Jamaica, aussie shephard/german shep PuppaGrrrl, rat terrier Loki and the killer on the road - amazing BobKitty the First who are what got me through the grief of not being heard, listened to or respected after years and years and so many differing attempts to reach where i am right now

i diagnosed myself accurately before anyone else would validate it and only 2 yrs ago learned of the infant abuse by talking with a lady who validated that 'my mother hurt me at about 6 mos' so the nightmares that are really flashbacks to that core event stopped...and never have come back

what a story....it's all i got....i can't go out and hang by the pool cus if i had to speak to anyone else right now i'd be unable to....and the sensory overload itself is excruciating - maybe i need to just stop talking and write down what i need and hand it to the people?

i always loved that movie The Piano....boy i'd love to just do that...and live in a jungle away from most 'civilized' people....meh

stop talking, period....and only write down the bottom line - like 'hi nurse, tell pdoc script is doing what i said it would and i need the xyz blah blah and thank you'

i bet that would really get rid of a lot of my stress - not having to talk at all

that and a maid, butler, chef, private masseuse etc etc yeah i'd live like Howard Hughes on meds i guess he needed and with so much insulation from the sensory violation that is our societal mores he could function and be his genius self
who cares if he grew his fingernails longer than a shanghai geisha girl?