View Full Version : Autism and bipolar


fracturedstory
05-06-13, 01:29 AM
I had wondered for awhile how these two disorders manifest themselves in the one person. I've know about 3 or 4 people with bipolar disorder who are extroverted, so an extreme introverted classic autistic type (so much that I don't get offended when being compared to Rainman) who is suffering from anxiety that keeps me locked in doors, may show symptoms of bipolar differently than most. Yes, even though I have ADHD too.

So I found my answer in a place I thought I'd given up on. It seems that someone with autism who goes on to develop bipolar looks to others like their behaviour is quite normal.

Hmm. This intrigues me. By the way, I, my best friend with bipolar/ADHD, and my psychiatrist think I may have bipolar. I haven't mentioned that yet. I've alluded to it though.

I want to go out more, for the past couple of years my ADHD-PI has upgraded to combined, i.e I'm hyperactive, or so I think. I'm even impulsive. I used to be a very cautious person with slight impulses, like overspending, saying inappropriate things, putting gum up my nose and almost setting my backyard on fire.

I just don't know anymore. I think I'm so sure I know when it happened but then I see images from my childhood and I just can't determine if it's ADHD-C or beginning symptoms of bipolar.

Most of you know my story. PMDD. I was about 22 when I started to develop social anxiety, my meltdowns got less controllable and every couple of weeks a month I felt like dying. Got on meds, the symptoms went away. Became anxious again and had a huge meltdown that got me backstage (woo!) but then I decided anti-d's weren't working for me.

Now I'm trying to determine if the huge meltdown was a trigger, although I think this is when epilepsy triggered. Oh God, I don't know anymore...

Anywho this next part is hard to talk about because I think I became manic from day 2 on Ritalin. I never knew what it was. I could read, understand, write - all was going well.

Perhaps I should ask can symptoms so obvious as cycling be mimicked? I don't think they can but then I think they can. I've listened to my sister going through just that. But for the last couple of years I've noticed that I get emotional when I write and the emotions change a lot. I've always wondered why I get such extreme changes from negative and positive input/output too.

I get these triggers to argue, you know. It feels like someone is deliberately pushing my buttons to get a reaction from me. I would argue fiercely, then I'd agree and suddenly we'd be friends. I used to just get into massive flame wars before I developed this thing called empathy. But now that knowledge gets me in more arguments too. I used to think I was ODD as even as a kid I would just like to go the opposite way to everything. Maybe there's a little bit in there.

Anyway, back to autism. It's like the polar opposite to bipolar. You can be impulsive but usually the introverts don't do that. There are extroverted autistics but I really think my natural state is an introvert who can't focus or process to the point of muteness and a lack of desire for people. Oh except now I want to hang out with people more. But then I can just turn against them. I hate them all. Bunch of slaves to society. So blind, they don't even realise their own slavery. Seriously, I must stop watching those Zeitgeist films. Well no, I won't. I used to hate those films...

I don't get into risky behaviour. I tend to monologue loudly to my friends and tell them how much I hate conspiracy theories, though I don't always. I climb over and under furniture like a child and I will use any medium to do art. Water melting from a beer bottle = table art. A sharpie pen = If it's blank it will be drawn on. I give them my book spoilers because I can't keep these ideas to myself. They're kind of like those enlightened hypomanic thoughts. I don't know how common this type of thinking is in ADHD/autism. But I just feel no one will ever understand because they won't allow themselves to open up their mind because they're all about 'there's no scientific proof yet so therefore I'm not sure what I should think so I will go with the science.' Sorry, that's kind of offensive. Well, so is calling me a crackpot. Let's not make a war about it. I'm not having this moved to spirituality.
I'm kind of open to anything now I love it. I'm half Indian so there's a Hindi background that I never opened up to because I was raised Christian. Then Synchronicity introduced me to Jung, the I'Ching etc. I think I've always wanted to believe it. I've loved fantasy and sci-fi for as long as I can remember. I love those dream sequences in the Bible. I'm a sci-fi author who is telling a story few will dare but it needs to be told. I'm not sure if you're aware how often I get motivated to write my story, give up for a few months then get back into it with the notion that this is the story that needs to be told. It's consciousness changing. It'll make me famous one day. No one can tell it in the way I can.

I said before how at home I felt in this side of the forum. It's thoughts like the above that make me feel lonely. I fear if I'm too realistic I won't try so I have to have this kind of arrogance about myself. What's so wrong with that? That's how the great artist's did it.

I keep getting off my pre-planned points. I don't cycle for days and days. Well, I'm not sure. I'm on Ritalin 5-6 days a week which does give me this overall calmness. On weekends it might be different. I stay up late and the next day I'm the biggest scattered mess. The day starts at 2pm and nothing much happens.

On it I can get agitated but I still get focus and the usual alleviation of ADHD symptoms. Without it I think I'll just be worse even if it makes me worse. My friend still takes Ritalin and well is properly medicated with mood stabilisers and sleeping pills and everything else. She's doing quite well. Better than me. If I stopped Ritalin now it would be so hard to keep the depression off.

So, I forgot why I wrote this. Right. Is there anyone with Asperger's or HFA who can relate to not having such extreme symptoms? Do people just think you're behaving normally when inside your head you feel like you're losing control of yourself?

I should add that lately I've felt like 'a caged animal imprisoned by my mind and the walls holding up my house, and the city I live in.' There would have been a time when I would have given up on socialisation, band photography, employment just to work on my book, read more books and watch films/TV shows and get some ideas to build onto my story. It's always been me and my interests. Now I want to be with people and really experience life.

That sounds pretty normal but neurologically speaking, I'm not. I still have a profound fear of change but I want to go to new places. The feeling is difficult to explain but it makes me want to hit my head a lot. I'm a prisoner in my own body. That is true in so many ways.

I've kind of realised this doesn't make a whole lot of sense. There are gaps in the descriptions. I've been noticing this for about a week. Maybe I just CBF filling those gaps in.

Spacemaster
05-06-13, 02:04 AM
I've never been diagnosed, but I'm quite sure that I have Aspergers. In fact, I'm starting to question my diagnosis of ADHD.

Anyway, I won't get into all that background crap.

My doctor suggested bipolar before ADHD. I tried a couple of medications, and they didn't agree with me.

He asked me a question, "I don't think it's bipolar, do you think you know why?" (waiting expectantly)

"Uhh...I cycle too rapidly?" (I was correct)

So, I really don't know about you, but that's how it went for me.

Sometimes I really desire to be around people, and can be fairly gregarious, and other days, I want to watch them all burn.

fracturedstory
05-06-13, 04:43 AM
I'm sure my doctor would think the same thing about me especially because how my mood journal is set up. The meds may interfere with it as well.

I'm becoming depressed again because the people who bought the family home not only did they fail to pay up they completely destroyed the house I grew up in. It doesn't even have grass, the very grass I sat in, chased my dog around on and stood on when I looked at the stars through my telescope. The most perfect backyard for star gazing, so was the front yard, and now it's just a bunch of dirt. I don't understand why people would do that. Maybe the banks want us to borrow more money so they can send more people to defile our family home so we can ask for more money and it continues in that circle and we never end up selling the house.
The f***ers even got reported to the RSPCA for cruelty to animals.

I just can't deal with it right now. I have to fix my own life before I can even think about how to resolve something like this, hopefully with less violence than I've been thinking.

I still question my diagnosis of ADHD from time to time too. One thing I'm sure about, I'm definitely autistic.

keliza
05-06-13, 01:12 PM
I don't have any personal experience with autism/HFA and bipolar disorder, just bipolar disorder. I do hope that whatever is going on, that you get some relief from your symptoms soon. Whatever it is, it sounds like it's very distressing and overwhelming for you to deal with. Hugs.

fracturedstory
05-07-13, 12:42 AM
Thanks Keliza. I would really like to know what the hell is going on with me too.

daveddd
05-07-13, 06:24 AM
i relate

i have the same type of things, and im extreme introvert

but i am because of bad social anxiety, not autism'

so i dont know if its exactly the same

tudorose
05-07-13, 06:31 AM
Does this change the way the psychiatrist will manage things for you?

sarahsweets
05-07-13, 10:27 AM
I know for me, the only stimulant that flipped me right into mania was ritalin.

Fraser_0762
05-07-13, 10:39 AM
Considering what you're going through right now, i'd say it's enough to make anybody feel in great distress.

Stimulants can certainly heighten emotional responses as well.

fracturedstory
05-07-13, 11:35 PM
Does this change the way the psychiatrist will manage things for you?
If he starts seeing these moods as something more than a psychological change brought on by not-quite social isolation.

He thinks I haven't quite socially isolated myself but I almost have.


I've pretty much put the house situation out of my mind. I'll send whatever money people ask for but I live away from all that. I'm emotionally attached to what happened. To me I can never go back (not sure if I ever would have) and experience the place how I did a few years ago. One thing that keeps reminding me is the cold weather. There was a working gas heater in that house. I got a lot of inspiring ideas in that house. It was a safe place for me, especially with all my anxiety.

I found out about ultradian ultra-rapid cycling yesterday and I can relate to that. It makes it very hard to chart a mood.