View Full Version : I think I have fooked up


MellyFishButt
05-09-13, 03:35 PM
I hadn't been drinking since November as a courtesy to my husband who had asked me to slow down after some truly awful things happened to me. On our trip last week we both drank and now it seems like I have opened the floodgates. I have been high at work because of pain medication but today is my first day after having drinks at lunch...and I feel horribly guilty. I am not sure if its because I had gone so long without it that I had fooled myself into thinking that I didn't like this feeling or the fact that I think my husband would be disappointed. I am not sure what to think. Except I oddly feel like I deserve to drink, like its 'owed' to me somehow. That's not normal...

Lunacie
05-09-13, 04:26 PM
I hadn't been drinking since November as a courtesy to my husband who had asked me to slow down after some truly awful things happened to me. On our trip last week we both drank and now it seems like I have opened the floodgates. I have been high at work because of pain medication but today is my first day after having drinks at lunch...and I feel horribly guilty. I am not sure if its because I had gone so long without it that I had fooled myself into thinking that I didn't like this feeling or the fact that I think my husband would be disappointed. I am not sure what to think. Except I oddly feel like I deserve to drink, like its 'owed' to me somehow. That's not normal...

It sounds like "slowing down" doesn't work for you. If you don't stop
drinking at all you end up drinking too much. Your husband needs to
understand that so he can support your instead of sabotaging you by
going out to drink with you.

MellyFishButt
05-09-13, 04:42 PM
Ugh. And the thing is...I like even more now than I did before I stopped. Why is that?

dvdnvwls
05-09-13, 04:54 PM
Pain medication plus a return to drinking doesn't sound like an excellent plan. If I were you, I would take a cue from that feeling of guilt, re-think the situation. Guilt is good if you use it to improve your results.

When life hands you rotten lemons time after time, you start to feel as if you deserve a break. And you do deserve a break. It's just that drinking doesn't give you the kind of break you need. Alcohol doesn't have a good enough effect to accomplish that.

I hope my math equations come out ok, and that it makes some sense...

What we want:

(pain and suffering) + (alcohol) = 1/2 (pain and suffering)

What we really get:

(pain and suffering) + (alcohol) = 1.5 x (relaxation) + 5 x (pain and suffering) - 1/3 (money)

salleh
05-09-13, 05:10 PM
I have never had this problem, ....( sheer luck, not strength of character ) .....but ...the question you have to ask your deepest self .....Is this the right thing to do ?....


...not what do I deserve, what have I earned, what do I want ....which many times are sufficient unto the day for questioning yourself.....but this one is a bit more important, it's a biggie ....

is this the right thing to do ?? ...

Blanched Dubois
05-09-13, 05:13 PM
I hadn't been drinking since November as a courtesy to my husband who had asked me to slow down after some truly awful things happened to me. On our trip last week we both drank and now it seems like I have opened the floodgates. I have been high at work because of pain medication but today is my first day after having drinks at lunch...and I feel horribly guilty. I am not sure if its because I had gone so long without it that I had fooled myself into thinking that I didn't like this feeling or the fact that I think my husband would be disappointed. I am not sure what to think. Except I oddly feel like I deserve to drink, like its 'owed' to me somehow. That's not normal...

so, i wonder, did you stop drinking because of your respect for yourself and your husband or because of the 'truly awful' happenings, i assume, after the drinks were drunk?

i don't know you and what i think really isn't your business....what YOU think is what's important and it sounds like you're trying to get to some truth you already know....? I admire that.

I wonder why you feel like drinking is 'deserved' or 'owed' to you...especially in light of what happened that was 'truly awful' ?

and as far as the whole 'normal' question....i got nothing....i don't believe it exists because it's a 'culture' thing....and i do know that 'culture is not your friend'.

I submit this with respect, and no snark, - i am sincere in asking about your post since you posted it ....questioning yourself and honestly...i like that.

good luck with all

dvdnvwls
05-09-13, 05:22 PM
I wonder why you feel like drinking is 'deserved' or 'owed' to you...especially in light of what happened that was 'truly awful' ?


Obviously I'm not the right person to answer, but it sounds to me like "I feel like I deserve some pleasure, after what seems like an endless serving of pain."

And the mistake of thinking "drink=pleasure" when really it's way more complicated and messy than that.

emily848
05-09-13, 05:32 PM
I've learned a lot about alcoholism because of my wife's struggles with it. It is a horrible disease that lies to you. It uses the best of you against you and all it wants is for you to drink. It's not your fault. Wonderful people have done terrible, selfish things because of alcoholism.

One of the things I've learned is what a truly amazing thing AA and the 12 steps are. Before that institution existed, there was basically no hope for alcoholics. I tend to avoid anything that involves a group mentality, but AA has truly worked miracles.

I have a lot of sympathy for you. The struggle with alcoholism is a daily part of my life even though I'm not an alcoholic. I am very lucky that alcohol makes me sick to my stomach, so I could never become an alcoholic, but I have seen first hand the power it has over some people.

Cravings are terrible, and every time you say yes to them the cravings will come back stronger. And they will lie to you by saying things like "you deserve this," or "one drink won't hurt anything."

A saying I keep reminding my wife of is "you take the first drink, the second drink takes you."

An idea I got from the showed "Obsessed" about people with OCD is that when you're craving alcohol to rate your craving on a scale from 1-10, then sit with the feeling, don't give into it, maybe an hour later, or five minutes later, whatever feels right, ask yourself again to rate the craving on a scale from 1-10. If you don't give into the craving, it will go down eventually.

Another thing that goes along with that is to think of what you'd be losing out on by giving into the craving and rate how much you want that on a scale from 1-10. It can help give perspective.

I don't have any answers, but I hope some of the suggestions are helpful. My wife last got drunk two days ago. She spent seven weeks in Rehab last year (August and November), was clean for 79 days, and then fell off the wagon and hasn't gone more than 3 days without a drink since January. She is fighting it though. I go to AA meetings with her and hear so many stories about people who went to Rehab, relapsed, and didn't get clean again for 20 years, but now have been clean for several years. It's depressing for me to think that my wife could be struggling with this for the next 20 years, but we're coming to terms with what it means for both of us and how to best handle it as life partners.

It doesn't sound like you're in such dire straits yet, but it does sound like alcohol has a strong enough hold over you that you could be on that path if you don't reverse it now.

If you don't like the meetings, at least pick up a copy of the big book and read it through. I know a lot of people are turned off by the references to a higher power, so if you're one of those people, try to read past that to get the deeper meaning out of it.

Blanched Dubois
05-09-13, 05:57 PM
[QUOTE=dvdnvwls;1482978]Obviously I'm not the right person to answer, but it sounds to me like "I feel like I deserve some pleasure, after what seems like an endless serving of pain."

yep. this i can understand having done it ...

emily848
05-09-13, 06:06 PM
Also, if you want to stop drinking for your husband it won't work. You have to want it for yourself. It sounds like you're very wrapped up in how your husband feels.

Get in touch with how YOU feel and what you need to do to find true happiness - not the temporary numb happiness that alcohol offers while it is actually ruining your health and possibly your life.

Spartan_Worrier
05-10-13, 07:05 PM
You're confusing guilt for shame i think. Try not to dwell on it. It's done, it happened, now carry on forward. A slip like this wont have much of an effect in the big picture if you get straight back on course. But beating yourself up over it is gonna zap your morale and determination. Nobody's perfect and it's a hard thing to do giving something up. Falling down is only a problem if you don't get back up again. You're doing really well, so keep it up. Good luck :)

Spartan_Worrier
05-10-13, 07:19 PM
Ugh. And the thing is...I like even more now than I did before I stopped. Why is that?

You're not going to suddenly hate drinking. It will always be there, the temptation. You've chosen to give up due to the effects of drink causing problems in your life and relationship i assume. That takes a lot of willpower.

Even if you forever crave and miss drinking, you wont crave or miss those problems that stem from it :)

Spartan_Worrier
05-10-13, 07:31 PM
Also, if you want to stop drinking for your husband it won't work. You have to want it for yourself. It sounds like you're very wrapped up in how your husband feels.

Get in touch with how YOU feel and what you need to do to find true happiness - not the temporary numb happiness that alcohol offers while it is actually ruining your health and possibly your life.

Giving up for her husband is a perfectly valid reason. She is married to him after all. If the problems are relationship based then that's the reason she should give up. Not because "it's a bit bad for you."

dvdnvwls
05-11-13, 01:46 AM
Giving up for her husband is a perfectly valid reason. She is married to him after all. If the problems are relationship based then that's the reason she should give up. Not because "it's a bit bad for you."

Emily didn't say anything about valid or not valid reason. She said it won't work to quit for your husband. She's probably right about that.

emily848
05-13-13, 03:02 PM
Giving up for her husband is a perfectly valid reason. She is married to him after all. If the problems are relationship based then that's the reason she should give up. Not because "it's a bit bad for you."

Alcohol may be "a bit bad for you," but alcoholism is much more than that. It ruins lives, tears apart families, takes away the best parts of you and leaves you alone and wallowing in self pity.

Someone who is an alcoholic cannot quit for another person. It is extremely difficult for an alcoholic to stop drinking. The alcoholism changes their brain chemistry so that alcohol becomes their reason for existing.

Not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic. A non-alcoholic can quit drinking for any number of reasons. I quit drinking because my wife is an alcoholic. A perfectly valid reason for me to quit and I have had no problem doing so. She, however, got drunk three days ago and had a beer yesterday even though she has every wonderful reason in the world to quit. For example.

ana futura
05-13-13, 05:29 PM
Not to downplay the horrible effects alcohol can have on certain individuals, Alcoholism is horrible, deadly disease. But not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.

How much did you drink at lunch Melly? There's nothing wrong with a drink at lunch. Sometimes I think we have such a puritanical attitude towards alcohol in this country that we create problems where there are none. On the other hand we ignore giant problems that are staring us in the face. Our attitude towards alcohol is screwed up on all fronts, for both drinkers and non-drinkers alike.

Do you feel compelled to drink? Are you capable of letting go of the self judgement and your feelings of guilt, and letting yourself have one drink with dinner, without tumbling into this spiral of self doubt?

I think the biggest indicator of whether or not one should be drinking is how one relates to the act of drinking- not how much one drinks, because every future alcoholic starts out not drinking that much. It is attitude, not quantity, that manifests early. If you are afraid of it, or feel guilty about it, you probably shouldn't touch it.

The only people I know who have a healthy relationship to alcohol respect it. They don't fear it. And they don't crave the feeling of being drunk, but they also don't feel guilty about it.

Nate W
05-13-13, 08:44 PM
Here is what I think pretty well sums it up if one is alcoholic or not: "If, when you honestly want to, you find you cannot quit entirely, or when drinking, you have little control over the amount you take, you are probably alcoholic." (Alcoholics Anonymous, pg 44). Only the person wondering can diagnose themselves.

--Nate

sarahsweets
05-14-13, 06:19 AM
Just like with weight loss or any other addiction giving it up for someone other than yourself is a waste of time and effort. YOU have to want it even more than your partner wants if for you.

Giving up for her husband is a perfectly valid reason. She is married to him after all. If the problems are relationship based then that's the reason she should give up. Not because "it's a bit bad for you."

MellyFishButt
05-20-13, 05:37 PM
Hi all, thank you so much for your replies.

A lot happened after my last post. I ended up going out after work with a colleague, we had more drinks, then got drugged (!!), then I spent the next four days in a constant panic attack and am now on a medical leave per my pdoc. My husband had something he had to do out of town but he was also so hurt that I went out that he basically told me to stay home and write out anything that comes to my head. Ugh. It was awful. I mean, we are talking a lot of Valium and still being completely insomniac. I was finally able to see my pdoc the wed after and he said I probably should have sent myself to a hospital ward to manage the anxiety but he was happy I was okay. He asked me to take only lexapro and Valium (I upped the lex on my own after seeing how bad I was), and he concluded that since I had been self weaning from my pain meds, plus the booze, plus the mystery drug (my colleague tested positive for pcp!), that this was pretty inevitable. I am off work for the next few weeks and I am not really sure how to move forward. At this time I have zero craving for alcohol, but a massive craving for opiates (seems its turned into my drug of choice) and I am so effing bored and practically incapable of doing anything without my ADHD meds that it is making me more depressed than I probably should be. I am weaning off of my butrans patch which are impossible to abuse, well that I am aware of, and it's making me incredibly edgie. Maybe I am weaning too fast? Who knows.

But I don't think it's depression, exactly. I think it's the feeling of inertia. I have become so accustomed to boosts of dopamine that I have zero motivation to do anything. So I cheated today. I took a half dose of my ADHD meds just so i could at least peel myself off the couch and get something done instead of just stare at the things i need to do and curse myself for literally not being able to DO it. I now feel horribly guilty that I went against my pdocs orders - im sure by my update next week he would agree that I could take it again), I am just so worried about my near future and what my next step should be. There are two wonderful options (one just psych and the other substance abuse with a bigger emphasis on psych; both outpatient) but both are not covered by my insurance.

Blah. Yes, I am a total mess. I am a recluse. My therapist gets back to town this week and I have asked her for an extra long session but I think I might want to start looking at disorders. I go through something like this every three or four months and its too cyclical to ignore. I don't have the grand highs like BP or cyclo, but I do get extra agitated and stressed out trying to control my surroundings until I basically break and then I go out and screw up everything. Maybe it's not a disorder and its simply ADHD boredom. I have no idea. But it becomes impulse city.

Thanks for 'listening'. :)

MellyFishButt
05-20-13, 05:50 PM
And to all of you, yes I am an alcoholic. And the adult daughter of a 'recovered' alcoholic. He too is likely ADHD and self medicated with the herb, which works for him quite well. I can on occasion have one or two drinks without issue but I tend to want to self medicate when I am stressed these days (it is very progressive, that is truth!) and it usually ends up in disaster. Drinking on vacation worked because I was mentally relaxed. But real life isn't vacation so I really just shouldn't drink. The actual problem is that I feel 'off' when sober. Like most of us do...

I honestly have been avoiding coming here to check in because I was so embarrassed that I spoke about it. But I do think its very telling that I came HERE to discuss it. Seems I trust you guys quite a bit and truly very much appreciate all that you guys have done for me over the last few months, so thank you very much for being here. :o

Lunacie
05-20-13, 06:09 PM
(((Melly))) I've heard one must be very careful in clubs or things can be
slipped into one's drink. Sorry it happened to you and your friend - but so
glad that no one took advantage of you in that state.

MellyFishButt
05-20-13, 08:13 PM
We were very lucky. Most of the effects happened after we left and I don't know how pcp works but it sounds like she had the worst effects. She hallucinated terrible things all night and was an emotional wreck. I just stared at an Elvis statue for two hours thinking it was a performance artist. It wasn't until a couple of days later that I realized that the 'artist' didn't have anything to collect donations in. Idiot. And I still don't see how we were drugged unless it was the bartender since, from what we remember, we didn't leave out drinks except for waaaay earlier in the evening. So weird. Like I said, when I drink bad things just seem to happen.

Lunacie
05-21-13, 09:59 AM
I stayed up all night with one of my daughter's high school friends when
she got slipped something bad in her soft drink. She was afraid to go
home, so she spent the night with us. I know it could have been worse,
but I am so naive about drugs and drinking that it really freaked me out.

MellyFishButt
05-21-13, 11:53 PM
Wow I have had the hardest two days of tapering down. Like, I have never had the urge to drink as much as I have the urge to swallow 1-17 hydros right now. I am definitely doing this too fast. Unfortunately I NOW did some homework and it seems my pain specialist did not tell me everything he should about the butrans patch. From my lengthy research on all things opiophiles, apparently maintenance drugs are more difficult to get off than the real thing. Butrans is almost the same thing as suboxone, and sub/butrans/morphine are much harder to kick because of their long half life. Go me and my pain doctor! Ffffffffrench toast. If I had the strength to get up and doll myself up I would seriously consider finding the scrubbiest guy at a local pub to see if he could get me something in a pill form. THAT is bad. It's not just mental, I have the physical wds too. I just want to end this chapter of my life.........I think. I feel like such crap ought now that another month of trying to figure out a good taper plan while I am on something sounds so much better but I am sure that's just my brains loneliness talking. She could really use a friendly rush of dopamine right about now.

Like its not difficult enough just being ADHD.

MellyFishButt
05-21-13, 11:55 PM
I stayed up all night with one of my daughter's high school friends when
she got slipped something bad in her soft drink. She was afraid to go
home, so she spent the night with us. I know it could have been worse,
but I am so naive about drugs and drinking that it really freaked me out.

As it should. I didn't even know I was drugged until she told me. I thought I was just a drunk idiot. For real!

TazsDad
06-13-13, 04:49 PM
There is one very simple truth: Alcohol is an addictive substance. An EXTREMELY addictive substance. If a person drinks 2 drinks every day for a year or two, they are addicted to alcohol.

However, there are people who can remain at that level. And they don't exhibit some or all of the criteria for alcoholic behavior.

If you, like me, have a personality that seems vulnerable to addictions, the choice is to stop. PERIOD. Don't kid yourself into believing that you can manage it. The one and only control I have over alcohol is to NOT take that first drink. I also manipulate social situations to avoid ones that make me want to fool myself into having JUST ONE.

I've been particularly blessed. I never had to fight the withdrawal symptoms that many other alkies have. But it doesn't mean I don't play all of the head games with myself that push myself toward just one little drink. I AM able to be around people that are drinking IF the purpose of the gathering is something other than just getting ****faced and sloppy.

I have a very powerful motivator. The one and only DUI I had, in 2005, involved riding in an ambulance with one of the people who was in one of the cars that I plowed into. She was not seriously injured, but she screamed all the way to the hospital . I was so ashamed of myself that I cried. I never ever want to hear that again. And I thank God that I did not seriously injure anyone else .

And btw, I have never ever been to an AA meeting. I know for some people , they could not do it any other way. But I do agree with a lot of their teachings. Maybe even most.

How does this help you? After reading this thread, I will say you have to STOP drinking. Avoid social situations where you feel pulled into drinking. Lose some friends if you have to, and make some new ones.

My $0.02 worth. Hope it's worth more than that.

Pat

Sandy4957
06-13-13, 08:26 PM
Mmmmmmmmmmm, Melly... :(

You're a tough spot, aren't you?

Well, hey, all I have to say is this: you are not a bad person. Even if you make bad choices on occasion, you are not evil. You're a good soul. And you're struggling to figure out what will work. Your hubster is likely doing the same thing.

I think about many of the same things, but not because anything awful has ever happened when I've had alcohol. It's mainly that my entire family (other than my younger brother and me) are all morbidly obese, and now that I am less active and drink more beer than I used to, I am feeling very fat.

Thing is, that's not all that different from having a DUI, because, when you're from a family where morbid obesity is common... being overweight is like playing with fire. I'm just genetically wired to tip over that edge if I'm not careful.

Anyway, you're not a bad person and don't flog yourself if you slip. That'll only make it worse. If you don't want to drink anymore, then chalk up the slip as just that and recommit to not drinking...

TazsDad
06-13-13, 08:39 PM
Thing is, that's not all that different from having a DUI, because, when you're from a family where morbid obesity is common... being overweight is like playing with fire. I'm just genetically wired to tip over that edge if I'm not careful.

Anyway, you're not a bad person and don't flog yourself if you slip. That'll only make it worse. If you don't want to drink anymore, then chalk up the slip as just that and recommit to not drinking...

Very Good points...My parents were not alkies, but I had lots of Uncles, Aunts and Cousins from both my parent's families... I should have never started drinking. My sister has gone through her share of alcoholism as well.

Making mistakes doesn't make someone bad, I think. I agree with you on that.

Very well said, Sandy.

Pat