Depression, for me is sadness, heavy grief, feelings of loss and hopelessness.

I've been feeling sad for over a month now, and I am grieving. My grandmom died on December 19th, 2004. I was with her when she 'coded'. I think it's normal. But I feel so awful that I just don't want to be around--I don't want to kill myself, I've been down that road before...and I am never attempting again. I'm just not sure what to make of my feelings. I'm confused.

I see a psychologist weekly, and I plan on telling him next session. Maybe someone here has lost a loved one and can share? My grandmom was basically serogate mom to me. Plus, she is the first person I've ever seen die.

Any thoughts? I'm starting to worry myself.

Cyndi

im not going to sugest thing to you to help cope, because when a person is emmotional sugesting any advice without full and proper knoledge can be very dangerous. Im paranoyed somone might kill themselfs if i say anything realy depressing.

Just to say that i understand your pain to the extent of what ive expirianced. Take care of yourself.

Hugs angel,

I work with the elderly everyday, their lives, hopes, fears and love consume me every single day. You cannot take care of another's spiritual, mental, physical and emotional needs and not become attached. A part of my job is helping families accept their loss and move forward in a positive manner.

There are several questions that can help me help you better. If your up to answering them feel free if not just know that I am here when you are ready because your going to cry and there is no shame in that, your going to yell and there is no shame in that and you are going to have a loss of faith and there is no shame there either. I understand all these phases not only do I witness others going thru them but have been thru them over and over myself with the loss of friends, grandparents, my father and my son. I'm here when you are ready and not a second before then.

Was your grandmother ill for a very long period of time i.e. cancer or was this ubrupt with little or no warning i.e. heart attack? I've experianced both types of death including suicide and there are definatly differences to coming to terms with your loss with each case. Were you given the chance to say good-bye? Are you spiritual? If so I'll have to post my replies somewere else and place a link for you as to not offend other members of the forum.

My very first piece of advice is to join a support group...it's comforting to know your not alone and it's comforting to know someone has been were you are now and has survived and learned to live again not to mention the real physical connection i.e. hugs.

I'm thinking of you today and tommorrow and the tommorrow's after the last
Cherity

She was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension 2 1/2 years ago. We all knew it was going to happen, just wasn't expecting it to go the way it did.

My grandmom had a bad night on the 18th; I stayed up with her until 2 am and continued to check on her half a dozen times between then and 7:30 am. She was having a hard time breathing, couldn't get comfortable, and she was really thirsty.

That morning, she was talking quietly and slurring a little. She had to mix her medication, like she did every morning. Flolan, for her heart catheter. She could barely do that. My grandpop called hospice while I helped with the medicine. It took about a half hour to do, when it usually only took her ten minutes. She connected that cassette to her pump.

The pump started beeping, it read 'High Pressure'. That usually means that something is clamped onto the tubing. Everything seemed fine, so we restarted the pump. Same thing happened. I called out to my grandpop that the pump wasn't working. My grandmom was like, "Don, hurry!" He had the flolan people on the phone and I was setting up the backup pump. That pump was giving the same reading.

She lowered her head and I could tell she was trying not to cry. She said, "I can't breathe."

I called the ambulance because the flolan people were useless. She had a DNR, but I figured if they could do something to get the medicine in her, that'd be great. My grandpop went to the front door to wait for the ambulance. I think he was more terrified than me. I sat next to my grandmom and held her hand. I knew she wasn't going to make it, so I hugged her and told her that I love her.

My grandpop came over and said, "Mayanne, we both knew this was going to happen. You have a DNR; I don't know what you want me to do." She started crying softly. It was heart-wrenching.

By the time the ambulance arrived, she was pale and pretty much unconscious. The paramedic told me to hold her head up, and she went to get the other paramedic and stretcher. I held her head in one hand, balancing her head up right against my chest and I held her hand with my other hand. The paramedics came back and I had tears in my eyes. They took her pulse and said she didn't have one.

They picked her up to move her onto the stretcher and dropped her. I'm glad she was unconscious for that. I grabbed the sheet on the stretcher and handed it to them so they could get it under her and lift her properly.

Her eyes were rolled back, her mouth was open, her face was blue--I mean, royal blue. They got her up onto the stretcher and I knew she was already dead. They took her out to the ambulance and they weren't going anywhere. They were waiting for their superior to arrive and declare her dead.

That was traumatizing. I could barely eat for two weeks after that. I would just cry spontaneously, still cry when I think about what happened.

I'm not religious at all, never have been. I wrote a eulogy for her, and was told that the funeral would bring closure. I'd like to smack whoever told me that. I read the eulogy, which suprised me...didn't think I'd be able to. Usually at funerals, the body looks like its sleeping. Not her, she didn't look like herself at all. The worst part of the funeral, was that my grandmom's mother was there. This woman must be 90 years old. She was at the casket and cried, "My baby, my baby."

I looked into support groups, the only ones in my area are for bipolar/unipolar, suicide survivors, and cancer patients. I have no bereavment councelor, but I think it would be a good thing for me to look into. I started a tribute page online for my grandmom. So far it is nice, I have a lot of work to do.

http://www.geocities.com/callous_calamity/mommom.html

Thanks for being here....

Cyndi

I also lost a grandmother Dec. 2003..... and my other grandmother April 2004

Both a great loss to me.......

I also loss a very special pet in Sept. 2004. I'm still grieving, it's hard for me to admitt to it because it was a pet. I feel I should some how be over it so I keep the pain to myself.

I will echo what cherity has said. Share your experience with others. Join a group, talk to a grief counselor...but get it out and talk about it. and it is all so new... Grief can complicate depression, Cyndi, and so it makes sense that you are feeling down. Are you okay.

From what you have said, you do have some risk factors, so I would also suggest that you address them; talk to your therapist sooner rather than later. If you can, why not call him/her and talk about you feelings.

you might also consider journaling.

Losing a pet is a terrible loss and there are groups for just that as well.

Personally, I am a widow. My husband died in 1997. The acute phases of grief basically are gone, yet, they can emerge with out warning and take me by surprise. In my opinion, there is never any getting over the loss. We just learn how to live again, in spite of and because of that loss. We adjust and gradually remember. and overtime the memories become less devastating and it becomes easier to smile with a feeling of joy. hugs to you all

Dear Angel,

Your website devoted souly to your grandmother is heart touching and brought tears to my eyes. What a lovely spirit she must have been, filled with the life and love that shined thru her eyes. Yes, the picture's portray her vitality.

My first order of business is to explain the grief process and to re-assure you that there is not time limit and no one has the right to tell you when and were you will find your closure and peace.

My belief is that grieving is the only normal process in moving forward with your life after a great and painful loss. If you carry it botteled up inside of you I believe you can and will suffer emotional problems and even physical illness. It's the most painful experiance you will ever have but to move on with your life it's a necessary struggle. This is only my personal beliefs mind you.

The nursing home I work in goes extensivly into the grieving process and gives us updated training to help not only us cope with the loss of a resident but so we are better equipped to help the families we have grown to love.

The first step is usually feeling emotionally numb which may last a few hours, day or even months in some ways this is your bodies way of allowing you to take care of the practical arrangements such as funeral, uelogies, etc.

The numbness may be replaced by a deep yearning for the person who has died. You may feel agitated or angry, and find it difficult to concentrate, relax or sleep. You may also feel guilty, dwelling on arguments you had with that person or on emotions and words you wished you had expressed.This period of strong emotion usually gives way to bouts of intense sadness, silence and withdrawal from family and friends. During this time, you may be prone to sudden outbursts of tears, set off by reminders and memories of the dead person.

Over time, the pain, sadness and depression starts to lessen. You begin to see your life in a more positive light again, although it is important to acknowledge that you may not completely overcome the feeling of loss.

The final phase of grieving is to let go of the person who has died and move on with your life. This helps sadness to clear, and your sleeping patterns and energy levels to return to normal.

The entire grieving process takes time and should not be hurried or repressed for long periods of time. To be honest with a major and painful loss it can take from one to two years from the first phase to the last phase I'm not going to lie to you, it's a long and painful road but you are left with the happy memories and only the happy memories.

If your having difficulty sleeping and feeling severly depressed be sure and contact your GP about these issue's he/she can prescribe meds to help you sleep and for depression and they will hopefully know of a support group you can join. Grief hurts and you need support if your family and friends are unable to give you the support you need because of their own grieving then seek out a psychiatrist or a chaplen who are trained in such matters. Keep working on your website if it brings comfort. Reach out and ask for help.

I used to lock everything that hurt behind a huge metal door that took super human strength to open in my heart. What it got me was a nervous break down. After losing my son I focused all my energy on my surviving children and my husband and did not allow myself for one second to be weak. One month to the day of burrying my son I had a rough day getting my kids off to school and I was angry, so angry. It ate at me and ate at me I was mad at the parents who got to take their babies home while I had to bury mine, I was mad at my husband for not being more supportive and telling me to move on, I was mad at my kids for getting to cry when I couldn't I was just mad as h***. I remember seeing my son's bat laying in the hallway by the babies room and I remember getting really mad I don't remember smashing everything in the nursery, if I couldn't smash it I tore it, ripped it and scratched or dented it. Nothing escapted my wrath not even the walls, ceiling or floor. I remember finding myself on the babies floor screaming and crying and looking at the room was a total shock...I thank my lucky stars everyday that my family did not have to witness my outburst and that my husband was quick in helping me hide the room from my children. If you want to cry then by all things that make you human cry...throw yourself a big ole grief party and let it out until there is nothing left. Do not let grief build in your heart until it consumes you and turns into something horrible and ugly.

There is so much more I want to say...Your grandmother was given a gift in you. A chance at immortality thru you, you keep her memory alive in your heart and in your website making her life, love and wisdom known to all who chance to look. What a great treasure you have bestowed on her. You showed incredible curouge and devotion sitting with your grandmom thru the worst her last memory is not of fear but of the undying love and devotion her special grandkid gave her. I know right now it's probably hard to see but later it will come to you. Your grandmother came into this world loved and not alone and she had the very gift of leaving the world loved and not alone not all of us are given such lasting memories to carry forth with us on our journeys. I believe in more then just this world but I will keep that to myself as not to offend other members. If you wish to discuss my beliefs and your beliefs let me know and we can start a thread in the Spirituality forum.

Many hugs and much love,
Cherity

I also lost a grandmother Dec. 2003..... and my other grandmother April 2004

Both a great loss to me.......

I also loss a very special pet in Sept. 2004. I'm still grieving, it's hard for me to admitt to it because it was a pet. I feel I should some how be over it so I keep the pain to myself.

love is love and loss is loss and your true feelings should never be denied. Paula you loved your pet, mourn him/her to your hearts content there is nothing wrong with it and you do not have to hide your grief from us.

That is so true DB I never thought I would laugh again or smile but you do with time. It starts out as a guilty choke but with a little more time you will once again throw your head back and laugh until you cry.

I also lost a grandmother Dec. 2003..... and my other grandmother April 2004

Both a great loss to me.......

I also loss a very special pet in Sept. 2004. I'm still grieving, it's hard for me to admitt to it because it was a pet. I feel I should some how be over it so I keep the pain to myself.


About four years ago, my cat was very ill. He couldn't hold down his food, he almost never made it to the litter box, his kidneys were failing him, his heart murmor had worsened. We took him to the vet and she said he could live another year maybe, on meds. I looked at my mom and told her point blank, that I refuse to keep this cat suffering for another year. When an animal can't eat or romp around and play, there's no point. I gave the cat to my mom and she hugged him and cried. She gave the cat back to me and I handed him over to the vet.

I didn't cry, didn't say goodbye, nothing. I burried that cat in my mind several months before we took him to the vet. I tried to detatch myself from my grandmom at first too, but I couldn't. She needed me, and I had so much to make up to her, so much I wanted to give. I feel like a jerk when I think about 'burrying' people/animals before they've died.

Well, a year later, I just burst out in tears because I felt bad that I was so cold-hearted about my cat's death.

There is no preparation and no way to avoid the feelings of these losses. I cry for my family, I cry for all the things that she'll miss, and I cry for what I will miss. She's at peace. I'm glad for that much.

Cyndi

DeeperBlue and Cherity,

I am sorry for your losses. I can't imagine burrying a spouse or a child. I've known for many years what it feels like to lose someone close, so I've pushed everyone away since I was 12...except for my grandmom. She's always been the exception. I love her so much. I know keeping people out isn't the answer, but it's been working for the past nine years, albeit, not too well....something else I need to talk to the psychologist about. sigh

The doc once told me that 'we wouldn't want to trade our emotions for anything' when we were discussing sadness and loss. I disagree--I'd hand over my feelings in a heart beat. I hate to feel.

Feelings are only temporary fascits, captivating our minds for the moment.

Cyndi

I know how you feel. I was also very close to my grandmother who died about 3 years ago. We also knew it was coming but it still hits hard. Humor is all that saved us all. I remember my mother, my aunt and I had went shopping for a dress to bury her in and when my aunt held one up my mother said "Mom wouldn't be caught dead in that" we all responded with something between a laugh and a cry. It will get better though I cannot say you will never cry again. The birth of my daughter really upset me. I so wished my grandmother had been there.


My friend lost a sister recently and like you is having trouble. Her doctor put her on Effexorr and it has really helped her. Talk to your doctor. Eventually you will get over the worst of the grief, but do not allow yourself to suffer needlessly. The antidepressents are not to wipe it all away, but to help you while you deal with it all. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

Well, it hasn't gotten any easier. In fact, things have become rather complicated.

My Grandpop met a woman three weeks after my grandmom died. They met January 17, he proposed to her January 27, sold my grandmother's wedding ring (which she specifically told him and my mom that she wanted it to be passed down to one of the kids or grandkids), and the wedding date is April 24. I am at a total loss here.

My grandpop has done and said some really despicable things. I am truly appaulled that he got rid of everything that belonged to my grandmom and is marrying another woman just four months after my grandmom's death. I think he's avoiding his feelings of loss and grief, but he just seems so hateful. He told my family that he rather have poor relations with us and marry this lady now, than wait and have to deal with his own feelings. So insensitive....so wrong.

At first, I was just very sad. I am depressed now. I know I am. I am avoiding my friends, avoiding answering the phone, I wake up crying all the time, and just want to be left alone for the most part. I've been shedding pounds and procrastinating with school work....it's taking a major toll on me. I'm also undecided about this wedding. If I go, that will show disrespect for my grandmom's memory. My grandpop will think I'm okay with all of this if I go. If I don't go, I risk losing him too. I am so heart broken over this, and it hurts to see how upset this has made everyone.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

Cyndi

angel...

It is very normal to feel depressed and sadden when you loose a loved one. It sounds as though you were close to your grandma. I also was very close to mine I was born on her 49th birthday and the 1st girl. My 3 older cousins are boys. My birthday was always special cause we celebrated it in Pennsylvania with Grandma and Pap...his was that month too.

Hun you need to give yourself some time. Allow yourself to feel bad to cry. Do you have someone to talk to about her. What you did for her on the website is beautiful. It is lovely hun. Remember she will be celebrating life with you and watching you from above and will always be in your heart. Hold on to that and the good memories of her.

Angel,
I lost a grandmother about 7 years ago. We knew she was dying, she was a Cancer patient, and we all were with her when she went. I am actually grateful that we could all be there with her when she died. Better to have someone with you than to go alone.

My grandfather also remarried 9 months to the day of my grandmothers death. Many members of the family were outraged and still do not speak to him. However, after digging a little deeper into his relationship with "THE NEW WOMAN" I found several intresting things. One being that the woman whom he married had been his girlfriend 52 years prior, and they had been separated and lost contact. The other being, that my grandmother and grandfather did not have a good relationship at all. They were bitter towards eachother, and after 49 years of marriage, basically just resided in the same household.

If you feel as though you need to accept this move in his life, in order to maintain a relationship with him. There are some ways of thinking that you can use to get you through.
Your grandmom would want him to be happy
Your grandmom would want him to have someone and not live the rest of his life being lonely missing her.

I went to my grandfathers wedding, and I was proud to do so. It was not a disgrace to my grandmother, but yet a celebration of the life that they had shared together. And ending to the misery. And a new beginning for 2 people who really loved and respected one another.

Now, granted, my situation is different from yours. I do not know what type of relationship your grandparents had. But you have to think on the positive side, (which is often difficult to do, ESPECIALLY when depressed.) My condolences and my thought and prayers are with you eternally.

May you find peace with this, for the sake of a contuined relationship with your grandfather.

When he is with this woman, he is a completely different person than I know. He is still himself during the very rare occasion that it's just him and me. The woman is very nice and all, however I am a little concerned. She has lived in the USA for 40-something years and hasn't taken up citizenship--even though she's been married twice already, and has children and grandchildren born here. She agreed to marry a man after three dates, whom lost his wife only five or six weeks prior to the marriage proposal. She lived in a small house and still worked. My grandfather is worth 2 million easily, lives at the beach, and wants to take her around the world.

Whenever the marriage comes up, or my family comes up, in discussion and she is there, she just shuts up and lets my grandpop do the talking. She avoids eye contact with me, but not him. She has cried a few times in front of me, seems like crocodile tears. The waterworks come on and off at will.

My grandpop has mental issues, I think. One would have to be manic or psychotic to not notice something is seriously wrong with themself, when their foot is black and dying for several weeks. He had his foot amputated, half way up to his knee, because he didn't seek medical attention. Does that sound like a normal responce? He bought two airplanes and forged my grandmom's signature to do so, on a whim...not typical for a conservative-business man.

I have to wonder about this woman's integrity....I don't question my grandpop's mentality though. He is going through a crisis, and I think he is 'sick'. He obsesses and compulses, and has total disregard for everyone else.

There's a saying, "When ten people tell you that you're drunk, it's time to sit down." His response, "Not if they are all wrong."

The entire family is wrong about this. His therapist is wrong about this. Oh, and the Catholic religion is wrong too, because they won't allow them to get married in their church. It's the world vs. my grandpop.

I hope that gives you a little more insight into the situation at hand. Thanks for your responses....I am still profoundly confused and saddened by all this. I e-mailed my therapist about how bad I was feeling, and he wants to see me before my next appt if I can. I've always minimized my problems and feeling, so I think he is worried. I wish I knew what to do. There's so much going on externally and internally.

:(
Cyndi