I know easily being angered is part of having add but what about being aggressive or verbally violent. I've noticed lately I've been verbally abussive to my wife :( and i hate more than anything is how i feel after a fight when later i notice i went to far. And any words of advise for my wife to help her understand would help. (except if you are going to tell her to leave. just kidding):D .

And any words of advise for my wife to help her understand would help. Gary,
Verbal abuse is your problem, not your wife's. ADD is not an excuse, it's a diagnosis.

I know easily being angered is part of having add but what about being aggressive or verbally violent. I've noticed lately I've been verbally abussive to my wife :( and i hate more than anything is how i feel after a fight when later i notice i went to far. And any words of advise for my wife to help her understand would help. (except if you are going to tell her to leave. just kidding):D .So, let me get this right. You want us to tell you there is "advise" for your wife who you psychologically abuse? That's what it is. You think it's funny? You think your abuse is ADD? WRONG! You are using it as an excuse for your own neglect instead of being kind to one you vowed to love, honor and cherish. Do you remember those vows? Or did ADD make you forget them?

Now you show us where you love, honor and cherish your wife.

What your wife needs to understand is that there are NO excuses for your behavior. Get some help. Help yourself, byt for goodness sake do something other than abuse your wife. She's a person, not a damn object.......and you think it's all ok to say "Sorry honey" after? Then "it will never happen again" and it always does? Ask her if this sounds familiar to her.

If you want soppy from me, you won't get it Mr. Perhaps your wife should leave!

That's called "tough care", because I will not enable what you do ADD or no ADD.

If you can't guess, I have had a life of abuse, thankfully not at the hands of a man I am married to or have been.

Viktoria

Let me tell you something, I was only asking a question my wife was next to me and if you read it says lately I have never been verbally abusive to her until lately. For you to to reply that way, do you think you are helping anyone? I only asked if it was a problem that maybe something dealing with adult add. we (together) join this forum to seek information on add. I have never used ADD as an excuses for anything. My father was extremely abussive to me and my brothers and sisters, having fear everytime we come home that he would be drunk or something. My question was to find out if it was me.

So, let me get this right. You want us to tell you there is "advise" for your wife who you psychologically abuse?..............OK....read question again, lately I'm only talk a week or so.
What your wife needs to understand is that there are NO excuses for your behavior. Get some help. Help yourself, byt for goodness sake do something other than abuse your wife. She's a person, not a damn object.......and you think it's all ok to say "Sorry honey" after? Then "it will never happen again" and it always does? Ask her if this sounds familiar to her.

Jumping the gun a little, back to my 1st question LATELY, I treat my wife really good EXCEPT for lately. which I'm wrong for. I work my butt off so she can be an at home mom what she wanted to be all her life....

And she was asking advise on other issues dealing with add like "forgetfullness" just general advise.....

I went through something very similar with my husband(who is ADHD). For so many years he had to be "in control" so he was always degrading me, insulting me & making me feel as if I could do nothing right. After becoming a member here, I learned that the behaviors COULD be part of his ADHD, but no they were not okay behaviors. After my husband starting realizing what he had been doing to me, he was very sincere in saying that he loved me more then anything & would never do anything intentionally to hurt me.
Yes you are getting people's strong opinions on this question. Some people have been through the other side of the "coin" where they have been the one to have their spouse treat them in a different way.


Please let your wife know how much you love her. Ask her if she will help you work on this behavior. That is what we did & I have to be honest, it opened up so many "doors" for me. I learned how to be more open to my hubby about I was feeling when he talked to me like that. And he was more aware of how it was making me feel.


I do respect you for posting this.
Keep us informed on things, okay?

We had really bad fight monday morning, I did says somethings that I didn't mean (I'm pretty sure at one time or another we've all said something we didn't mean). But when i came home from work I begged for the forgiveness of the one I really love. We just recently moved there is alot of stress right now. And if you ever met me I'm a really big softy. Advise for my wife. We recently found out that my daughter may have ADD. So I'm sure that some ppl will have really good advise. Thanks min306

Having a family with more then one person in it being ADD can be quite a challenge. There are 3 of us "gifted" people in our house :rolleyes:

Just keep strong & make sure you keep the love going strong in your family

Hi there Gary. First I would like to say that by coming here you have at least started to understand what you are doing to your wife and that you sound like you want to change it. This is a great start but not enough. It is very important that you continue to understand what you are doing by yelling at your wife. You must also start asking yourself hard questions about who you are what you want from your marriage. There are many people that have done things they wish that they have never done, but it is important to learn from these mistakes and never do them again.

Continue seeking help with your anger it will only make your life that much happier and can make you a better man and your marriage that much stronger.

I hope that you can find yourself and what you want out of life and your marriage. Just keep trying to do better and you will. Anger and any kind of violence will only hurt you, the ones you love, and the ones that love you.

I hope that you will continue to come here and learn from others. There are many wise people here that will share there knowledge with you.

Gary,

Being ADD, things have a tendency to just flow out of my mouth and are usually taken out of context by my non-ADD husband. I "go too far" at times. I just want my point to be heard....and the frustration comes out in my voice. To some this constitutes being angry or abusive because a lot of times I can't control the flow, depending on what the subject matter is or what's being talked about. Ever feel like you just want to be heard? Not trying to downplay the word abuse you mentioned because no one should really put up with abuse but in all reality I think everyone experiences abuse in one form or another at some point in their life. Execessive abuse is learned, as you say from your childhood. Advice to you: learn more about ADD. The more you know, the more you will be able to catch yourself when you're doing it. As for your wifes advice: the more you know the more you understand why he does what he does and not take it personally. I do not condone abuse. It is not acceptable. But if you meant the abuse a spouse has to put up with with us being the way we are thats a whole different story.

You say the "abuse" has just been lately, you sure there aren't other contributing factors?

I think your post was a courageous move. I imagine you're feeling vilified at the moment, but please don't let it discourage you from posting again.

It bothers me tremendously when someone has the guts to share something about themselves that is definitely a problem, and then gets blasted for doing so. Your treatment of your wife is wrong and you know that. I don't see where reminding you of it ad nauseum is particularly helpful unless having admitted the truth, you then fail to take the bull by the horns and overcome it.

My suggestion is to get into consistent therapy pronto and work on this issue. It is true that ADD is no excuse for any kind of abuse. However, it is also true that anyone who recognizes a deficit in their own behavior and is willing to admit to that deficit, has already won half the battle.

Don't delay in dealing with this. Only then will you be acting irresponsibly. At this point, I think you're doing a darn good job of looking at yourself in the mirror and figuring out the issues that need to be dealt with. A lot of people never summon the courage to do such a thing. Take care.

GaryandRachel. Please know that it is not the person who is unlovable, no it is the behavior.

There are ways to act and express yourself that are indeed powerful and strong and healthy. The old ways do not work and the past is gone. You only have the present. It seems to me that you are taking a first positive and very important step-- disclosure-- but it is not enough because when the frustration grows and you are with out safe ways of expression, you will easily revert back to the old ways. the cycle will continue. the frustartion, anger, simmer, response, and remorse. and for a time, things might even appear to be better. Yet the cycle will continue and might even escalate until someone is injured emotionally or physically. Do not let that happen. Get help now with a domestic abuse center. Call and make an apt. There really is help.

I would also suggest that both of you need support. Rachel, I think for you it is learning that you absolutly do not deserve to be verbally abused never ever. And for you Gary, you need to know that there is really hope but it takes insight, work and honesty. Leaned behaviors can be unlearned. good luck.

Garry,

I can see you are quite angry with me. Good :) Sometimes a strong motivator is needed to get someone really talking, and it appears that my post to you has revealed far more than your original post did.

You obviously "think" I do not care. You couldn't be further from the truth.

There are a few in this thread that would know WHY I despise abuse of any kind, but I also know that the inertia of some to change prevents them from truly listening to anyone's advice without a spark of "I'll show her/him".

You posted here, you posted in the introduction forum, and you PM'd me. Well done!

I now hope you are sufficiently angry to do something about your problem. Yes, stress can affect people's nerves, and yes, I accept that you are feeling strung out. What I will not accept is someone who says they abuse because they are stressed. We can all lose our cool, but it's not right to do that on the ones we love, and I believe you know that or you wouldn't have posted your problem here.

I did NOT tell your wife to leave you. I said perhaps she should leave you as in "Should she"? I wanted you to think "consequences".

I wanted you to see what the end result of this behavior could be. I wanted you to look at your wife and realize that you once promised to love, honor and cherish her.

My empathy was with your wife, and righfully so.

I am sorry that I do not write in a "mushy" form to make you feel good. Truth to tell? It seldom works. But do I care? Probably more than you feel or I wouldn't be responding to you now.

I stand by the "tough love" rule. As a survivor of PTSD, I once had a therapist who always said to me in a rather horrid voice "so what"? It worked.

I will now say to you, so what? You're stressed. Who isn't at some time or other?

I cannot advise your wife because her feelings are "her" feelings, and this problem is not her problem; it's yours. Own it as you have, but do something about it, and go on with your marriage in a loving manner. The mere fact that you came here and stated your problem does you credit. But it is what you do with the advise you get that will really count.

I truly hope you and your wife find happiness again!

If you feel my post is in error, please report me to admin.

I'd like to second those who say to get help. Undoubtedly ADD is a factor in your behavior as is the behavior your father modeled. I think it's great that you're willing to look at that and get feedback -- a lot of courage there I'm thinking. Please see a counselor to work on yourself and your relationship before it's time for the post mortum. Getting help can really make all the difference. It's sure made a difference for me. Take gentle care of yourselves!

Scattered

just another thought. Although it might seem to be a relationship issue--it is to a certain extent because the anger and agression do impact the entire family, children included---the most important work is done with the the angry person (the one with the problem behavior)

Gary, the best way to work is with an individual therapist who understands these issues and deals with them on an ongoing, regular basis. Working in a group with other men can also be helpful because you learn that you are not alone, you learn from modeling, there is an educational piece within the group dynamic, etc.

From what you have stated, you are under lots of stress and pressure. You have just recently moved, have small children, recently married, adjusting to a new home and job. And most importantly you have been a victim--you witnessed while growing up. These are all very high risk factors and, certainly, very important to look at.

And I must stress. Please do not forget to shield the children. They are the ones who suffer in silence. Never forget that. And the impact is life long. So good luck to you...Okay? time to reach out because there are people that do understand and care.

[QUOTE=Morganzher]Gary,
Being ADD, things have a tendency to just flow out of my mouth and are usually taken out of context by my non-ADD husband. I "go too far" at times. I just want my point to be heard....and the frustration comes out in my voice. To some this constitutes being angry or abusive because a lot of times I can't control the flow, depending on what the subject matter is or what's being talked about. [QUOTE]


This is interesting. My husband (ADD) often sounds mean and angry when he speaks. I finally realized he probably isn't and that he may have no idea how he sounds to others. Other people have told me they think he can be hard to get along with and this was also reflected in a recent performance appraisal at work. I think it's the fact that he comes across angry. How do you get someone to hear how they really sound??
---adddspouse20

Me and my wife feel that you are going about it all wrong. It seems that you think this has happened for as long as we been together. This is a very recent think and maybe I should have not used the word verbally abussive. I was trying also to see cause my dad has ADD and he was abussive if it was a characteristic of a person with ADD. I love and charish my wife with all my heart and I know that no one should have to deal with abuse of any kind. I'd do anything for my wife and i'd never in my life put my kids thru what i had to go thru. Have you ever been in a bad mood? or say something you wish you never said in the heat of a fight? everyone has. We came here to learn and i asked to see if it was something that might be from ADD.<---not using it as a excuse, trying to learn charateristics everyone is different and min said she went thru the same with her husband.

GaryandRachel]Me and my wife feel that you are going about it all wrong. It seems that you think this has happened for as long as we been together. This is a very recent think and maybe I should have not used the word verbally abussive.

Hi Gary and Rachel, I didn't get the impression that what was going on had been a long term problem. But the way in which you worded your post made it appear as if it "could" be headed that way. Perhaps the word "verbally abusive" was wrong. Can you give examples of what you might have said?

I was trying also to see cause my dad has ADD and he was abussive if it was a characteristic of a person with ADD. I love and charish my wife with all my heart and I know that no one should have to deal with abuse of any kind. I'd do anything for my wife and i'd never in my life put my kids thru what i had to go thru.

It appears that some with ADHD do say they are aggressive, or have been, and use various methods to work through it successfully. I am unqualified to speak on what type of ADHD tends to aggression, but I can tell you that my husband and I both have Inattentive Type ADD, and are not prone to acts of aggression. Perhaps some others can give some input here? Perhaps it is a different sub type of ADD that has frequent aggressive outbursts, and this is where some that may have suffered this could add their own experiences here.
If your Father was aggressive, or abusive towards you, and I know exactly what it is like to grow up like that, it possibly wouldn't hurt you to join the men's abuse private forum, where no women can get in, and not just "anybody" can read what you say. I am in the women's version of this for abuse and PTSD that I suffer. I am sorry you had to grow up in the manner you did. No one should have to. No child should have to grow up frightened.
Like me, you decided very wisely to not want your children to grow up as you did.

Have you ever been in a bad mood? or say something you wish you never said in the heat of a fight? everyone has.

Yes! Recently I had to format my husband's PC. [Ancient Music on this forum]. I am always formatting his PC because he plays with it too much, and most times I really don't mind. But I gave him his own XP disk, and the security disk that went with it, or so I thought. I formatted the PC, and then couldn't find the Security Disk.

I wasn't happy with him for losing it. One problem......I remembered wrongly. I did NOT give him the Security Disk, but could have sworn I did. After a few weeks I found the disk and went to him and told him it was all my fault, and apologized to him. I was in tears that I judged the man I love on past events of his forgetfulness, of which I am equally as guilty. So yes, I make BIG mistakes.

We came here to learn and i asked to see if it was something that might be from ADD.<---not using it as a excuse, trying to learn charateristics everyone is different and min said she went thru the same with her husband.

I cannot speak for Minn at all. She has her own opinions, and it is only right to allow her the right of reply to back up her statements. But do we all go through issues? Oh yes, I think so. It's how we deal with them that counts, and there are many on this forum that could probably come forward if they felt like sharing [males] and try to give you some advice on how they dealt with their aggression, because as for Andrei, my husband, he doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body unless pushed, or I am threatened in any way.

Thank you for this follow up post, and it is really good that you are trying to get help with whatever it is that is causing you to feel badly. Perhaps ask yourself, "am I hurting my wife, or am I scared I might"?. Maybe your post is based on fear due to what you grew up with. I cannot answer this for you, but it is so easy to be frightened to carrying on an abuse cycle that was once placed upon us as children.

I truly wish you well on your journey of discovery,
~Viktoria ;)

For some reason, I am feeling like I have to defend my reply to this post. YES, I did mention that I went through the same situation with my husband. By posting what I did, I was trying to answer your question about this behavior being part of ADD. You also sounded "upset" about the response of your first post here. That was my way of trying to make you feel more welcome to the forum. We are not in your house so we do not know the exact words you use or the way you use them, when talking to your wife. Some of us are talking from our own experiences & how it made us feel. Even though my husband was not totally aware of how his actions & words made me feel, it was still a behavior that needed to be changed. I do not know how it makes your wife feel, or if it even bothers her................for me it was very degrading. That is a behavior that nobody should ever feel.

The one thing that I did say in my first response that I still believe is that you should sit down with your wife and ASK her if she feels your behavior is hurtful in any way to her. If she thinks that you are dis-respectful in ANY way............then getting help for you both should be the next step.


Good luck to you both :)

GaryandRachel...... This is a touchy subject for me and I'm trying to be open minded and not bring my experience into this.....

If you truly have only been like this for a short time than I'm glad you are caring enough about your wife and yourself to find out why.....

Even if your wife is seeing this is a new behavor for you and is trying to understand it, it still hurts more than you know more than she might realize at first....

I've gone into a depression many times over the years. Requiring me at times to be on meds. and to go into therapy. My husband was verbal abusive due to a mental health illness that I tried hard to be understanding of. Never making him acctable for his behavor which did neither of us any good. He doesn't verbal abuse me in the same way any more because I made him acctable. But this does not stop other kinds of verbal abuse, like almost always turning just about anything back onto me making it look(to him) that I'm always to blame. I think of this as verbal abuse..... Or how he discounts me in front of others to make him "feel" like the "big man".

Just asking, not judging.....I have question?..... Do you think you are verbally abusive in ways that maybe you never looked at as verbally abusive? And for whatever reason(maybe the stress you talked about) it's coming out more ? Just wondering because this is how it happened here......

Whatever it is take care of this.......it kills people ya know, on the inside

ok i have just read all the post and there are factors in each post i agree with.

so here is my 2 cents worth.

ok i agree that no abuse is acceptable but the fact that you are asking for advice to help is the first step.

the only advice i can offer your wife is to help you to get help because if you dont get help it may get worse until the damage is irrepairable (to your wife, kids and relationship with all of them)

ADD can escalate a behaviour (impulsivity = speak first think later) but it does not cause the behaviour.

i agree with minn the first step in improving your relationship is to sit down and TALK to each other calmly and for you to listen to what she has to say without retalliating and then work out a way to work through it (including family and individual therapy)

i know you are probably fed up of hearing that you are to blame but unfortunately if you are the one being abusive means you are to blame but the fact you are here to get help gives me the impression that you want things to change and that you want to work at your relationship hopefully this means whatever it takes.

well good luck and i hope things work out for you both

Gary,

I think it's great that you realize that there is a problem and you are looking for ways to correct it. There many people who won't even admit there is a problem.

After reading through this thread I get the feeling that not everybody is on the same page with the term "verbal abuse".

Gary what is is you mean by this? Calling somebody a not so nice name in the middle of the a heated moment is not neccarily verbal abuse. Yes, the person on the other end gets hurt and if this type of behavior continues it can turn certainly turn into verbal abuse.

Maybe you and your wife need to learn how to read each other better. Like when you are beginning to get this upset maybe instead of blowing up you could walk away and cool down. Maybe you could learn to tell by expressions on her face or some type of signal that the way you are talking to her is upsetting her and cool down.

Things got really bad between my husband and I a while back. Ugly. I cannot say to what degree over or under you are than we were, but what worked for us will probably be applicable.

I have a nasty temper. When arguments get going I can get ugly and start twisting knives (figuratively speaking). Mike and I were having such bad issues we were throwing things at each other. And on a couple of occassions we deliberately missed to throw something into a wall and make a hole. Yeah, that bad. Not good for the kids (who were in bed but I can't imagine asleep). Grownups can be selfish and stupid. Why we were so angry isn't important. The behavior was unacceptable, hurtful to each other, and more importantly, disturbing to the kids. We recognized that it was unacceptable and frankly, it was sheer determination to stop.

1) Time outs work. I don't like it if we're arguing and Mike takes the keys and leaves for a drive, that scares me because in that state of mind someone could have an accident. I don't like to go to bed angry (I don't think we ever have.) But walking away until we can discuss it rationally has worked.

2) Play fair. Fight fair. No name calling, pushing, shoving, hitting, poking fun at, putting down, or being snide. It's immature. Lower the voice and keep things to the situation at hand. "You always" and "You never" are unrealistic and probably not factual statements.

3) "I feel ___________ when you ___________." works. I feel angry when you forget to do the bills because you make more work for me at the last minute. I feel like you're taking advantage of me. Or, I feel frustrated that you're jumping to conclusions and not giving me the benefit of the doubt.

4) Get to the root of the issue. Mike and I had an argument a couple of weeks ago that took a while to unravel. I just couldn't explain my point well. Finally it came down to Mike was assuming I was thinking with my emotions and doing what I wanted regardless of the circumstances and I thought he was allowing his anxiety to dictate what should be done. We are both guilty of these things but not in every situation. I appreciate his cautiousness and sometimes my gutt is right on.

I don't think these are things you wouldn't hear from any therapist (though I am not one but have seen several) with or without ADD. ADD can probably exasperate certain personality traits. I get furious when I can't express myself or wrap my brain around a situation quickly enough to handle it correctly. I fly over the edge. I have had to learn that my mental instabilities or emotions of the moment are no excuse for taking it out on those around me. (I'm sure you know this.) I still struggle from time to time with my temper but it's not out of hand the way it used to be. Honestly, I wasn't getting the right help and I didn't have the medication I needed. I still needed to learn to calm myself down, time myself out, and use my words calmly and rationally. If I take the time to think it through I get the results I want or I stand corrected, but either way we both end up winners.

Just for the record....the kids are OK. They are not shy about reminding Mom and Dad to lower our voices or calm down if we start to raise them (which is occurring less and less), the walls have been repaired and more importantly our marriage is stronger for the lessons we've had to learn along the way. There's more respect on both fronts. If one of us isn't fighting fair, the other says so, calls them on it, and there's a time out. I really stand up for the not going to bed angry rule. I can't sleep anyway, I'd rather hash it out and kiss him goodnight even if it's the wee hours of the morning. It's so worth it. Handling things situation by situation, issue by issue, puts the focus where it belongs rather than deffamation of character and having it haunt us for every argument there-after. I'm not saying we're perfect, I'm saying we've grown and learned from our mistakes, and the kids see that and are reassured and feel secure in our love for each other and them.

I've taking the advice from a few ppl. I sat my wife down and had her be as brutally honest, i felt this will better it to sink in how i make her feel. although it was a recent thing, my eye needed to be opened before I became my father. I told her sometimes i need to be reminded to lower my voice and to be careful that i might hurt her feelings it so hard to catch my self before i do it. but I have scheduled a time to talk to my pastor to see if i can get to the root of my problem. and how knows if i can get to the root of mine maybe i can help my mom. I love ya all for being honest and some for being extremly passionate for how they feel. you all have been a big help. i will keep you posted on us. So how do i post a picture of us. it ways good to put a face with the words.

Gary and Rachel,

First off let me be the first to tell you what a lovely family you have. Second I recognize the courage it must have taken to start this thread. I know some members seem to be directing anger towards yourself; but, many of us were raised like yourself in abusive homes and will not tolerate abuse of any form. We only know you thru your posts so when you say you've been verbally and mentally abusing your wife lately that is all we know and do not see that perhaps your a great husband most of the time. Your wife has been very understanding and kind thus far in forgiving you or she would not be with you...it's my fervent hope that you will find it in your heart to forgive us for repeating the cycle.

Many people would not believe this but I was a very abrasive and abusive person a lifetime ago at some point in time you have to let go of the anger. I spent half my life being abused by a quite possibly ADD step father who treated his ADD with alcohol and drugs. I've experiance almost ever form of abuse known to mankind mental, physical, sexual, social and verbal and I can tell you that the worst and most lasting form of abuse is mental and verbal it will stay with you forever. After my mother left I did everything in my power to ensure that I was never in that situation again I constantly pushed people away and if I couldn't push you away I deliberatly hurt you I was brutal and so very ignorant. Hate and pain consumed my life I got personal enjoyment out of making others hurt if I couldn't hurt you with my words I hurt you with my fists. The hate was to hide the pain I felt everytime I took a breath, nightly flashbacks, self doubt one night I snapped the anger and hatred was too much and I was forced to acknowledge that for years it wan't others I hated it was myself. I couldn't bear the knowledge and tried to take my life in high school, the only ones who felt pain at my decision was my immediate family who had been trying their hardest to save me from myself for a very long time. I was put in a Christian hospital in a very small white metal room with nothing and I mean nothing, it had a bed and a blanket and I was watched 24/7 thru a camera and had no outside contact for the first two days except for a four foot nun (NO I'm not kidding she couldn't have been over four feet had she stood on her toes) she had this presence about her that made you believe she was over 10 feet tall, everything I wanted, nothing I had. She walked straight up to me and said no one is going to try to save you until you realize your worthy. I never thanked that woman for starting me on my life saving quest. My first lesson I had to learn was to literally ACCEPT WHAT I CANNOT CHANGE AND THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT I CAN AND THE KNOWLEDGE TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. I can't change my past but I can use it to make me a better person.

I tell you that story because I feel I'm may see a different light then the others. Abuse is a cycle passed on from one generation to another. But, it can be stopped with the right support. You ask if it's ADD and sadly I don't believe it is. You mention an abusive father...do you think like many other survivors here you could actually in fact be suffering from PTSD? Take time to explore yourself, you sound as though you have a wonderfully supportive wife and I feel love for her in your posts and I feel it's returned whole heartedly find the courage too seek your demons, acknowledge them and use them not to repeat a cycle but to end it. This is how my father would have acted in this situation, this is how it made me feel, this is what I will do instead. It takes conscious thought 24/7 but with time your impulsive yelling will be eliminated but you must learn to walk away and think before you act, you have to force yourself. I tell my husband that I'm angry and am going to take a walk...I then re-inforce how much I love him. It's important that your wife allow you to walk away, you will come back but in a much calmer manner. You've already taken the steps needed to start you on the right road...you've acknowledge willingly your problem, now how to deal with it...support, talk therapy is honestly the best way, learn to love you, love your wife, love your kids, show the respect you want for yourself to others and forgiveness. It's not going to be easy don't get me wrong I still get very angry inside but I now know I control me not PTSD nor ADD in the end it falls in my lap and I must accept that consequences. I feel the strength in your bond to one another you will both survive with some hard work and forgiveness and understanding.

ADD and kids I could go on for days lol. I have a 11 yr old boy with ADHD/Deep depression and his therapist believes there are other co-morbids such as PTSD due to the bullying at school, low self esteem, bi-polar. My 9 yr old daughter has ADHD/ODD which is quite the joy let me tell you. We also have an OOPS baby who just turned one. I myself am ADHD/PTSD/Depression/OCD. Teamwork my dear friends your going to have to learn how to stop fighting each other and work as a team in all things dealing with your daughter. It's in my honest opinion that the first lesson an ADD child should be taught is that ADD makes life very hard but with hard work you can live your life on your terms. I don't want to get off the computer but after I've finished my post I will force myself...the ADD wants to stay but this is the real world and it's going to keep going whether I like it or not. Responsibility for her actions, every action has a re-action we've found a positive way to re-inforce this lesson with our children by volunteering it doesn't have to be big she can read at a local nursing home to lonely residents who will in return love her and tell her daily how smart and adorable she is and will take personal credit in all her accomplishments. I could go on for days lol as I've said and I do have to get busy. I will keep an eye on both of you and will be thinking of you today.

Many hugs for your bruised hearts...
Cherity

p.s. One quote that always brings me comfort..."All hope is not lost for I still have breath in my body" I can't remember were I heard it but I was very young and it has stayed with me thru my lifetime.

Please note that quite a few posts have been removed from this thread due to some heavy debating that got out of hand. I have kept that which seemed to be the most supportive to Gary's question. I would be embarrassed to have a new person come here, read this thread, and see all the argueing going on.

I did my best to shuffle things around, but if you feel that your post didn't deserve displacement please accept my apologies.

If anyone has something helpful to contribute to this discussion or to advise Gary then that would be appropriate.

Thank you to all who tried to make this thread supportive and helpful.

Gary and Rachel,

It sounds to me as though you have things firmly in hand. Sitting down and being brutally honest with each other can hurt but it is the most necessary step to ending this kind of cycle. Once we're aware of how we make others feel and learn to identify the reasons why we do these kind of things then we are better equipped to end what feels like an impossible situation. It's not impossible I've done it and I did not attack the situation half as aggressively as you have.

Standing up and accepting responsibility for your actions just goes to prove how much you do love your wife which is a good and great thing and can only mean success because in the end that love will give you the will to seek out the source of the anger and the courage to deal with it.

Keeping your family in my thoughts,
Cherity

p.s. thank you Chel I will not abuse your trust in us and will do my best not to let you down.

Ive never been verbaly agressive towards anyone. the most recent bout of anger towards anyone (october 2003) was when some gay person was harrassing my bf at the time.. i was so angry i punched this guy 7 times, 5 in the face. He was hte one who got kicked out of the place too. Ppl were chearing for me :D (im ilke 5'4) haha

I'm not sure how to answer your comment......but did you say anything to him before you punched him? Every one at one time or another has said something mean to someone.......Nevermind... I would like to think everyone who posted to help. i did feel back about all the mixed emotions and starting an arguement. To update everyone I'm seeking help, My first day with a consceler in march 2nd now. thanks everyone. And i do need to clarify something though..... Abuse is never the fault of the abusee..Even if the push buttons.

thanks everyone for your support......no need to apologize eye...you've been a big help along with everyone. I LOVE THIS FORUM...IT'S LIKE A WHOLE NEW FAMILY. I truly love you all as brothers and sisters.

To update everyone I'm seeking help, My first day with a consceler in march 2nd now. Good on ya', Gary.:cool:

......no need to apologize eye...Are you sure you're not Canadian?:D
L.

Just wanted to update my doctor visit is tomorrow. I'm going to also talk to him about meds for my AD/hd too. Hopfully he can answer some question s I have in my anger and aggression I've been having lately. Really scared though (not sure why). Will post right away when i get back.:D

Thank you for keeping us informed of what is going on with you.

I will be thinking of you & hoping that your dr visit goes well for you!

Wishing you all the best Gary and Rachel, and hope that your session is fruitful. :)

~Viktoria

i hope the doctors appointment goes well for you
hugzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
wendy

Good luck my loveys.

i just got back from the doctors and he is going to start me on adderall but he first started me on Lamictal. It's some kinda antiseizures meds? :confused: not sure why yet but he said it has helped alot of people with high anger and aggression. i was really nervious that he was going to tell me I'm crazy. :D Is anyone else taking antiseizure meds and adderall?

Hey Gary. I'm on straterra for the ADD. My shrink put me on lamictal for bipolar type 2. You're not crazy, well, not any more than I am and I'm the most sane, normal person I know. (NOT!)

All kidding aside, check out the medications forum because I don't know all of the medical terms. I just know that it balances the chemicals in the front region of the brain and it worked well on seizure patients and those with bipolar. My emotions are more stable, my mood swings are more small dips and rises rather than mountains and canyons. I have an ugly temper and I have to consistently use my coping skills I mentioned earlier in the thread to teach myself better habits. The medication gets us to the starting line, we have to run the race ourselves.

[QUOTE=Morganzher]Gary,
Being ADD, things have a tendency to just flow out of my mouth and are usually taken out of context by my non-ADD husband. I "go too far" at times. I just want my point to be heard....and the frustration comes out in my voice. To some this constitutes being angry or abusive because a lot of times I can't control the flow, depending on what the subject matter is or what's being talked about. [QUOTE]


This is interesting. My husband (ADD) often sounds mean and angry when he speaks. I finally realized he probably isn't and that he may have no idea how he sounds to others. Other people have told me they think he can be hard to get along with and this was also reflected in a recent performance appraisal at work. I think it's the fact that he comes across angry. How do you get someone to hear how they really sound??
---adddspouse20


tape record them with their permission. :)





P

Hey gang,

when talking to my wife or anyone i disagree with,

i have to W A I T a day or an hour,

and talk in a C A L M place, sofa, living room, like area.

Neutral spot.

Hope this helps someone.


best wishes,




P
Just another adder to another adder and/or non-adder

Did you have any sleeping problems when you started Lamitcal? cause so far the last two night I have not slept very good...heck maybe be an hour or two a night. I'm used to sleep like a rock. The Dr. did mention that it may make me sleep lighter.:confused:

Medications can effect a person differently than other people. I felt drowsy taking it in the morning so now I take it at night. I sleep better if I have little or no coffee and/or no rest in the afternoon during my kids' quiet time. Excercise would help (if I did it).

I'm going to call theDr. today...

Did you have any sleeping problems when you started Lamitcal? cause so far the last two night I have not slept very good...heck maybe be an hour or two a night. I'm used to sleep like a rock. The Dr. did mention that it may make me sleep lighter.:confused:

My husband is taking that and yes at first he has trouble sleeping and he's usually a deep sleeper. His Dr. upped his dose last week and for 3 days he had trouble sleeping again.

Well I'm sleeping better....And I feel that I'm alot better with emtions already. Next appiontment he wants to start me on the Adderal March 22, sorry for in the beginning sturring up alot of mixed feelings. But it really helped me get the point.:p

*does the Snoopy dance* I hope that life will allow the two of you to slow down enough to just take a breath and see how much you've actually accomplished in so little time. In a world were divorces happen almost as often as marriages you have managed to hold it together thru thick and thin. Take the day off and celebrate just the two of you with no kids and remember that the two of you have given a lot of our members enough hope for one more day of trying.

Big hugs,
Cherity

Well I'm sleeping better....And I feel that I'm alot better with emtions already. Next appiontment he wants to start me on the Adderal March 22, sorry for in the beginning sturring up alot of mixed feelings. But it really helped me get the point.:p

I don't think that you should apologize at all for stirring up mixed feelings, we all needed to look a little deeper into ourselves. It's a win win situation we all learned something about ourselves and acceptance.

I'm so glad to know that I don't have to be scared to post here, that some people really care and everyone should know that they all made an impact in my life and were very helpfull. well thanks again for the support. (this is Gary)

I'm so glad to know that I don't have to be scared to post here, that some people really care and everyone should know that they all made an impact in my life and were very helpfull. well thanks again for the support. (this is Gary)

We all came here for the same thing...acceptance. I know that I for one am very glad your not afraid to post here, your success story gives those who come after hope and I wouldn't be surprised if in the near future you become a dominant leader in these situations helping others not only seek help but heal themselves. Life is nothing more then a series of lessons, learn and apply and we move on, lose the lesson and we suffer needlessly. Your simply doing nothing other then living.

I only scanned here did read throuly, but has your wife checked out the non-ADD partner support part of this site. I am gathering she is not ADD/ADHD!!!!

If you are both ADD/ADHD man would I like to know I think I am the only one impulsive enough to actauly get into arelationship with another ADHDer!!!!

I am new to this sight today. I found out about eight months ago that I had ADD. I don't know to much about ad/hd I have more just Add. I have been married for 13 years. You can count on one hand how many times we have fought through the years. But the medication I was on made me an### hole.
Mainly to my wife. I was cross to my workers, but I figuired I was back on my game at work. They could,nt work hard enough please me.But back to my wife,
I don't know your entire story. Don't think that.
I was on vacation a couple of weeks ago. We went to Vegas to see a race and take a mini vacation. The first day we got there. I was driving, Missed a turn and freaked out. ( you have to understand, I have never raised my voice to my wife, I grew up that way, and swore I would not be like that)
I freaked out on her. Yelling and screaming like a fool. I felt rage like never before.
We got to our hotel. All I could do was think about what I had done. The only thing I could think of doing is stop taking my med,s. I am only 6' tall
but I have a 20" neck 56" chest, with a 33" waiste and a ring finger that you can fit a quarter inside. I'm good sized. The last time I got in fight was years ago. But I broke his jaw, 3 ribs, and his nose. I lucked out because he was drunk and people that seen it said he started it. That was the last time I felt that kind of rage. See I grew up with father that was very abusive, mainly to me and my mother. Maybe that's why I don't show much of AD/HD. If I would have ran around as a kid, or spoke out of turn, I would feel lucky to only have a black eye.
In closing. I went back to my doctor. My wife made me the appointment.
He said , It can happen to some people. He changed my medication, I have a better outlook on life. He also said, If I have this rage again, Come back he will change my meds up for a month. After that I will be back to normal
Don't ever think your the only one. I'm different, but still the same.

Go see the doctor before somthing goes bad wrong.