View Full Version : I take a TON of amphetamine


nonnonname
05-19-13, 01:15 AM
Every day I'm on either vyvanse, dexedrine, adderall, adderall xr, or a combination of several. A lot of it. I have several reliable hookups including a hardy dose from my shrink. Vyvanse consumption is usually ~ 250-350mg a day, the rest ~ 100-150mg a day. I rarely run out and its not so bad when I do. I'll use a couple sick days and laze about. Its kind of a nice break.

Its been this way for years. I don't have high blood pressure (I check weekly); I don't stay up for days at a time, I sleep 5-8 hours every night; I'm not weird or depressed or spazzy. It's just.. normal. I most certainly have ADHD and things were going very poorly before taking amps, and things tanked when I stopped for 2 years. I feel.. completely and wholly dependent. It took only a matter of months from the time I was first prescribed at 18 years old, to make it up to my current consumption rate and it hasn't changed much since then. I had no intention of abusing when I was first prescribed.

I know its dangerous and expensive and illegal and unsustainable. Its a terrible secret- even my dealers are shocked at my rate of consumption. Its an awful cycle because I feel like I can't quit while I'm in school. I stopped abusing once for two years. I took a year off school to gather myself and "get well," then proceeded to fail two consecutive semesters (destroyed my 3.9 GPA). That compelled me to start treatment again, and this time do it right. But alas I immediately fell into the same cycle. I've switched majors and schools so many times in the past 8 years that I have over 150 credits and no degree. Finally I'm only a semester away from an associate's and 2 semesters away from a bachelor's in a separate field. A year and a half after picking up my terrible addiction again, everything keeps coming up win. I've been healthy and happy for a long time now. Everything is good - everything but this rotten stinking little secret.

Looking for a little perspective on this. I've run out of ways to think about it.

SweetCode
05-19-13, 01:43 AM
have you considered trying non-stims adhd meds while reducing daily a little by a time the intake of stims? I don't know what happened but I remember that modafinil was being considered for both adhd and cocaine addiction , have you considered it already?

Sometimes when we need huge amounts we get to know a few friendly doctors , but at least they are doctors, maybe you can find one that you can trust to help you on that without wanting to send you to rehab without thinking twice...

I hope the best for you, good luck.

sarahsweets
05-19-13, 07:24 AM
Have you considered seeing a substance abuse specialist? You may not be feeling any negative physical effects but your pattern of behavior is really concerning.

Fraser_0762
05-19-13, 09:34 AM
The best way for you to stop would be to gradually reduce the amount you're taking week by week.

Going cold turkey isn't something I would recommend on that level of consumption.

But gradually cutting down should be much much easier.

Joker_Girl
05-19-13, 02:12 PM
I am sorry this has happened and I am sure you are worried. Please talk to a therapist or someone who works with substance abuse, I suppose the "correct" thing would be to tell your doctor, but it is likely you will be cut off and it will end up in your chart, unless you and your doctor have a very, very good relationship.
I don't know that I would say it is anything besides that you have built up a killer tolerance, and you certainly can, people all over the world become accustomed to an eight ball of coke or a gram of meth for daily use. Then, they need it to get going.

It's a catch 22 because ADHD folks often will abuse drugs, so the fact that this has happened is not really all that surprising.

Can someone you TRUST IMPLICITLY hold your script and dole the daily dose out to you. Just because you don't feel it, doesn't mean it isn't working. You could also try switching to Ritalin, just because it is different (but similar) or Strattera, which I detested, but some people seem to like.

Probably the only way to get a smaller dose to be effective quickly would be to take a week or two off, which will most likely suck balls. I recommend doing that at a time when you can sleep a lot, and plan on doing some serious chowing down. Because you deserve some sort of a pick me up during that unpleasantry, make sure your house is stocked with your favorite foods. If you can get pizza and Chinese food delivered frequently, go for it. Wear the coziest jammies and watch your favorite TV shows and sleep.

Then if you are going to take such a medicine again, give them to someone who will give you one pill a day, and notify your other suppliers that you are going to be quitting, and that you will be deleting their numbers, and please do not call or come around, or sell to me even if I call you begging. Although most people assume anyone who deals drugs is a heartless selfish prick, the majority are not evil and are likely selling to support their own habits. They often are somewhat of a friend, and will want you to be well.

I'm not an expert though, so maybe I'm wrong lol.

If you are looking to get a kick in the butt to get you going, you will not likely get that from Vyvanse, which is really subtle although strong, if that makes sense. You will have to take instant release Adderal or Ritalin. Of course you become accustomed to it, and you have to actually be trying to notice it, but you can....and others will notice it. For me, instant release meds are the best because I can adjust them to my schedule. And they don't last long enough to give me insomnia.
I loved Vyvanse, but for some reason dex does not give me any motivation, if anything, I am MORE prone to being a disgusting slob, and although it helps with focus, I have to actually try to focus on it.

Otherwise I am just lazy and want to mess around, or do crafts, or make cupcakes, or watch movies. I am a really, really nice, happy, kind person on it, but it just wreaks havoc on my sleep, costs a fortune, and doesn't give me any ambition to move. As far as anything else, though, I absolutely loved it, I felt good and happy and just had a sense of well being and optimism that I normally don't.

It didn't feel like a stimulant other than the stupid sleep mess, or the intense dislike I had for taking a day off it. A lot of times I will just not take Ritalin if I don't feel like it, forget, or it is the weekend. But if I didn't take a Vyvanse my brain would be screaming "Oh, HELL no" which kind of scared me.

So, I don't know if I made any sense or contradicted myself, but just saying I'm sorry, I feel your pain, and am here for you.

425runner
05-19-13, 04:52 PM
True...what Joker_ Girl said about Vyvanse. I couldn't care less if I take my current Dexedrine ER cause that stuff doesn't do anything for me...in terms of motivation, feeling more alert, wanting to get things done...it's more like OK -I'm here, you can talk to me and I'll pay attention feeling and I can sit for an hour and focus at work.

Vyvanse was wonderful but I got worried about becoming addicted to it because I'd wake up every morning looking forward to my dose. It made me feel sooo good...and I was super productive and happy on it. On my days off, however I felt terrible. So no more of that.

nonnonname
05-20-13, 01:38 AM
First of all, thanks for your consideration an consolation. Secondly, I've most certainly considered all of these options with more or less the same conclusions. Like I said, its been this way for years and, quite frankly (with exception to my 2 years off meds), I have my sh*t together. I do those ADHD type things, like my issues with sticking to a certain degree path to the end, but I'm aware of the significance of my dependance and have pursued solutions regularly throughout. I often find myself thinking, when I consider what happened when I quit, if I'm an all or nothing guy when it comes to meds, I'd rather carry the dependence. Sure I was decently happy, lovable, and well liked off meds - but I felt as though I had no control over my life. I was so confused about why I couldn't get myself to do the minimal work it took to pass my classes. I attempted all then standard non-pharmaceutical treatments and even pushed hard against my principles to dabble in herbal medicine. Yet I failed all my classes AGAIN the next semester. On top of that, I'd left a good job and replaced it with a far sh*ttier one. I was just.. such a loser. I felt so helpless to change myself.

When I got back on meds I tried Strattera and it did nothing for me, good or bad, even as the doc continually upped my dosage. I tried Concerta and Ritalin, and I was able to successfully fight off the potato chip effect, but it made me act like a dick and gave me anxiety. It led to a drinking habit too, I couldn't handle the edge. Finally, I gave in and got a prescription, with a steadfast will not to abuse. I was regularly chatting with online addiction counselors when I was on the Ritalin and I felt strong enough to control those urges.

I took three Vyvanse as soon as I got my prescription. It was all gone right away. There was no vacation high or anything. I called my people and the ball was rolling once again. I'm making money again, earning credits again, being a man again.

A certain part of me must've just resigned myself to the situation not being temporary because I bought what I needed to check my blood pressure at home, and now do so regularly. I even talked my doc into referring me to a heart specialist a few months ago to get checked out. Sometimes I feel like the only reason I know what I'm doing is wrong is the fact that it forces me to lie all the time. And I don't like lying to people.

Also, having someone I love administer my meds doesn't work - it destroyed a relationship that was important to me.

IF YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE READING ALL OF THAT JUST READ WHAT'S BELOW

My therapist (not my psych, but in the same office) has a grad student working with her and they see me together every time I go in. Calling her a student may be misleading because she's in her mid-thirties and it seems like they share equal responsibility when I'm in the room. Anyways, the grad is an amazing therapist. When she says she's glad to see me and she's been thinking about me I believe her. It's almost as if she's an old friend. [Anecdote: After a couple meetings I had to tell myself to be careful not of becoming infatuated and falling in love with her.] Most importantly I trust her and I think she cares about me. .. How would I approach requesting to talk to her alone without the full-time theropist? Would she be under legal obligation to tell my psych or her colleauge? If I ask her not to does she have to listen?

Raye
05-20-13, 08:19 AM
How has your heart not exploded from all this? I agree w/ sarah...you may need a substance abuse specialist.

nonnonname
05-20-13, 03:18 PM
How has your heart not exploded from all this? I agree w/ sarah...you may need a substance abuse specialist.

That my heart has not only not exploded, but stayed within healthy range, and that I've stayed physically and psychically healthy (with the exception of what I now consider and unhealthy level of interest in a particular author my first few months - at 18 y/o), has occasionally led me to consider that I'm simply an outlier and this level of consumption is appropriate for me. Is that even remotely possible?

Spartan_Worrier
05-22-13, 05:42 AM
What's motivating you to try and quit? What do you gain from the abuse and what will you gain from quitting?

Spartan_Worrier
05-22-13, 05:46 AM
How old are you now? Your nerves will probably go before your body.

ampakine
06-10-13, 02:41 PM
Its really good to hear I'm not the only one in this kind of situation. I have been on high doses of dexedrine (on average around 60mg per day) for years and took the year off college to see if I can find a natural way to remedy my ADHD but it looks like I'm going to have to get back on the dexedrine. The side effects are a big problem for me, I'd really like to try tianeptine but I don't think its available in my country.