View Full Version : When it all comes down to it I'm selfish and care only about myself

06-06-13, 02:37 AM
OK. So where do I start?

I can't even remember last week. It was good. After the massive anxiety attack. And the embarrassing manic episode I reflected on whilst extremely depressed and visualizing suicide. And the obsessional thinking. Although the obsession thinking turned into hypomania. And then I started planning for more goals. I was so happy, so confident.

Then the irritation started, the ranting and then the eventual depression. It passed. I tried to keep myself productive but the news I heard kept putting me into anxiety mode.

But today I just couldn't fight through it. I heard $2000 in debt, rent not paid for 4 weeks. Not me. They always ask me to pay early...probably so they can buy booze. Anyway, I offered the money. It was refused. They said they'd take care of it but this morning I was led to believe the person meant to gather this money up wasn't trying hard enough. And that's so like him. The other person, my sister, has buggered off to God's knows where. A few days before we could be evicted. Gee thanks. What if the money can't be paid? You just gonna stay where you are? And we got another house mate as some attempt to lessen our money burdens yet when they arrive we'll be gone. You ever plan on telling them one little fact?

Also, I have the money. Let me pay it. You don't need to pay me back. Where is everybody? They're gone. I've been alone in the house just deteriorating by the hour. Maybe I'll occupy it. They can't kick me out, I'm autistic. I'll get the news involved. And by the way, I have the money.

I can't just go and pay because 1) The landlord doesn't even know I'm here so the rent doesn't get raised (probably) and 2) I don't know who they are or where they are and I have such severe anxiety I can't go to them and I have even worse anxiety over change.

Yet, even through all of this I'm still preparing to go to gigs and shoot bands because of my stupid ambition, which is little more than the ambition to have a chat with a man I have failed over and over again to talk to. I even purposely made myself manic and of course that didn't work. I stopped caring about him and just yelled a bunch of things and by 8am I came down from that.

And I'm probably more angry at my room mates because of the fact that I don't want to leave which is why I don't care about the $2000.

And my psychiatrist says I'm fine, intelligent, just need a bit of structure. I'm not diagnosed bipolar, I'm not medicated or have any treatment of any kind.

So this is probably the end. I've never had to deal with something like this before. A house to me is security. Protection. Outside of it people want to hurt me. None of my friends have even offered me a mattress on their floor to sleep on. And I haven't told any family members because I don't know if my sister wants them to know. Her pride will be our downfall. Did I mention I have the money?

I suppose if they see a crazy person on the street they can medicate them and put them in housing. Then I'll get better, finally.

I don't care if people here don't think I have bipolar. You're not in my head with the paranoia and delusions and hazy hallucinations. The on and off depression. The even shorter hypomania. The even shorter mania. The fantasies about being the next best author and screenwriter. The famous band photographer. I'm already famous. They just haven't realised it yet.

Things I won't do:

Call my doctor
Admit myself
Go to the hospital
Find another more competent doctor
Tell any family members
Kill myself

06-06-13, 06:03 AM
Getting evicted must be hugely stressful. Stupid question but is there anyway that you can get in touch with your room mates? Or could you call the equivalent of your local council? They can probably help you to find your landlord.

You sound bipolar to me, but it doesn't matter what we think. (I'm not diagnosed with ADHD but I still act as if I've got it and post here). The only thing that matters is that you are struggling and need help. Please call your doctor. Please call someone.

06-06-13, 07:54 AM
What? You're not selfish at all.

You offered to pay the whole lot and you were asking for nothing in return. That's the most unselfish thing somebody can do.

I wouldn't do that. I'd tell all of them to go **** themselves.

But I really am a selfish a55#01e.

06-06-13, 09:36 AM
I strongly suggest that you get in touch with your doctor and explain all of this to them, or get a new doctor. You need someone who will help you get the proper treatment so that you don't have to suffer this way. Whatever it is, whatever label anyone does or doesn't put on it, you're obviously going through a lot and you shouldn't have to. You deserve a mental health professional who will help you.

If you think that your personal safety is in danger, please, please call your parents, your doctor, 911, somebody. Get help. It's there for you.

06-06-13, 09:18 PM
So, last night was interesting. And yesterday. The whole day actually.

Well, my sister told me today everything is sorted. I'm only half relieved though. Is it really? But I just this feeling that it couldn't possibly be happening. I was thinking about calling my mum and moving back in with her but that felt like betrayal to my sister.

Sorry for scaring you guys. I really really really do want help. Even if just for anxiety. It's my anxiety that keeps me from seeking help. Maybe I'll get my sister to take me to her doctor.

06-06-13, 09:36 PM
I'd invite you to stay here, but it's a bit far. Does your sister have a psychiatrist?

Canadian Mess
06-06-13, 10:00 PM
I don't know much about bipolar since I've only read about it from when my physciatrist and I discussed it, but man you had me worried there (and I still am)... and I don't even know you and I live across the globe. I know you said it makes you have anxiety problems, but going to see someone and the (hopeful) relief you might get by getting treatment or at least someone to dicuss things with, makes it worth it.

I have no idea what hypomania or mania feels like, but I know depression and how it can make you irrational and do things you would never do in a right frame of mind. I know how serious those delusional, dark thoughts can get and what it can make you do (self-harm and leaving my house at midnight to look for a bridge to jump off).

PLEASE see a mental health professional, because I don't want you to make any of the decisions I made, even if you are convinced you won't act on them. Depression has a scary way of making you do things that make no sense and are completely against your nature. But I'm sure you know that :(.

And besides, that rent thing is one stressful situation and I wouldn't know what to do either. I'd probably give up on everyone and buy a tent.. good thing you are not me. AND YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, no seriously I'd kill my sibling if they ran out on me and then hug them and then kill them again, and then make them pay the rent from the afterlife.