Hi All,
I was diagnosed about 1 1/2 yrs ago, but didn't take the diagnosis seriously until a few mths. ago when I started doing major research. It was then that I realized how greatly my life (and those around me) were affected by my ADD. I have come up against much difficulty when trying to explain everything to friends and family. This has caused even more of a separation between us.
Over the past year or so, I have really pulled away from friends and haven't had much contact with even those once close to me. I've maintained close contact with 1 or 2 girlfriends. A lot of this has to do with my personal life and all of the drama that is going on with my family. My sister has become a prostitute and lost custody of my beautiful 4 yr. old neice. She is also abusing serious drugs. In the past, she has attempted suicide twice, but since having my niece, she had straightened her life out...till recently. My dad was almost killed in an attempted murder that took place in his house. (I no longer live at home.) I've been dealing w/ depression for many yrs., however it really has become an issue lately. I have no urge to do anything I used to want to do, and I just don't seem to care much about anything...although I really do, but I just don't. I can't seem to get myself to do little things I need to do- like call certain people, or email a friend etc. With everything that has been going on with my family, it hasn't been easy for me to talk to people - even those I've been friends with forever- because I don't enjoy having to tell them all of what's going on...not to mention it will spread like wildfire within my group of friends. On top of all that, I quit my job about 6 mths ago. I was about to get fired, and I realize now that it was my ADD that was impacting my work immensely. My employer DID know that I had ADD, but since I hadn't educated myself much at all and wasn't taking it seriously, I wasn't able to go to them with ways to "accommodate" me. So...I resigned before I got fired. I'm in transition now and still haven't found employment. I sold my condo and moved to a new city to start over...but haven't really started over yet. I guess I'm having a really hard time taking that first step. Needless to say, with all that's going on with my family, coupled with my drastic life changes- the realization of the severity of my ADD and beginning to deal w/ this diagnosis, selling my condo, quitting my job, moving to a new city, trying to find employment and an apt., etc... I haven't kept in touch with some friends.

To get to the point, a close friend of mine (used to be my BEST friend- absolutely inseparable for yrs) asked me to be in her wedding as a bridesmaid ~8 months ago. I accepted joyfully. However, I have really messed things up since and don't know how to reconcile with her. I received her invitation to the engagement party, but it got lost somehow under piles of stuff and I didn't rsvp for the party. She lives 8 hrs. away, so when I realized it was that day, it was too late. I tried to send flowers, and told my friend about them. The prob is that the address I had was wrong, so I had to call the florist back w/ another address the next day, but I totally forgot to do this- now months later I realize she never got those flowers at all. She thinks I am a total liar for having said I sent some at all.

I really haven't kept much contact w/ my friend, although it's not because I haven't cared or thought about her- the truth is I talk about her all the time to my boyfriend. I just haven't been able to pick up the phone or even email. Again, I guess I just have been kinda embarrassed and ashamed of what's been going on in my personal life. I was sent a mass email re: the possible dates of her bachelorette party, and since I could attend any of the 3 possibilities, I didn't respond to the email. Now after the fact, I realize I should have quickly responded that any would work. To make a long story short, I just got a very rude email from my friend and was given a deadline to get back to her about if I was still going to be in her wedding. I got back to her by the deadline saying yes I was going to and that I was sorry for being out of touch and that I'd respond to her email. Her email was going to take quite a bit of thought and time, so a few days went by and I got a nasty voicemail from her saying she just didn't know what to do with me etc. It was hurtful, but I should have responded by now. I was just at a loss for words and the task of writing her seemed so daunting that I still have to write her. It's been a week now.

I got another email that I'm not in her wedding and basically she has given up on trying with our friendship.

I'm deeply upset, although have NO idea where to start in trying to reconcile with her. I have history with her- we've been friends for over 10 years and have seen each other through A LOT- but she isn't aware of my ADD diagnosis, or at least the extent of it. She knows what has gone on with my family (but surface level compared to the depth of how it's affected me).

What can I say to help her understand? Is there any literature or anything I could attach in an email? I want to start to mend the relationship, but she is so ****ed and hurt and disappointed in me. Also, I live so far away, which adds difficulty too.

PLEASE help me!! This is a friendship I don't want to lose...although I'm well on my way. Is there any way to save it from being lost forever? Any advice is much appreciated!!!!!!

Thanks,
a lost ADDer

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I feel so very sorry for you and I have so many words to offer you. I read your post and it has brought to many of the almost same type feelings to me. I am new here also and I would love to try and offer you "my opinion" for what it is worth. If you would like to talk private message me and we can hook up on yahoo or messenger or something. I have to post my own introduction later.

First, I am not a person who has ADD, I am the fiance of a wonderful man who has ADD and let me tell you, until I really found this board and started doing some research all his comments, actions, ways etc. baffled me. I continually wondered why, what I had done and what I was doing wrong. I have done lots of research now and have found that those of you who do have ADD don't mean these things on purpose and lots of times don't even really know you are doing them. However, the person on the other end, like me or your friend can be very hurt by some things. You, and my fiance, need to understand and try and work with us for resolution.

Reading what you typed about the pile of papers, then forgetting, and then not knowing what or how to say it sounds oh so familiar to me. You are not alone. I think it is so cool the way you say she has been your friend for 10 years....that alone is NOT something to lose. If she is your friend though, I really think it is fair to her and to you that you tell her of your ADD. Refer her to this board, there have been numerous people here to help me. Any information that she can read to understand at this time will help. However, don't be upset if at first she doesn't want to read it ok? She sounds like she may be deeply hurt by your actions, or lack of actions. On her end, she most likely thinks it is something she did and just wants to know when things went sour. Her wedding is a day she looks forward to her entire life, she wants everyone to be as happy as she is.

You need to talk to her, you need to do it soon. If this continues, i don't think your friendship will and I don't think you want that. Composing an email is hard, putting your words into meaning is hard also, I know my fiance says the same thing. Just try, that is what I tell him. I get on the phone with him (and yes we are a long distance relationship with 2000 miles between us) and tell him just start talking, I will listen and try to understand. Maybe you could try calling her? Do it at a time that is good for you and for her, not when one or the other is busy. Or email her, just make sure you sit down today and do it and send it.

the more time you let elapse the worse it will get and the harder to mend. I would love to have a friendship that has gone 10 years strong and still lasts. It is those type of people you want by your side for eternity. Try your hardest, and if for some reason it doesn't work at least you will know you did everything possible that you could.

Her "tone" in her emails or voice mail I find to be totally understandable. I would have been the same most likely. On our end we sit here wondering what we have done wrong, why we can't seem to do anything right or say the right thing and for her I imagine it was just a little worse cause she did not know of your ADD like I do of my fiance.

I wish you the best of luck! I can't tell you I actually cried when I read your post cause I know her pain and yours also. Let me know how it goes ok or if you want to talk further just hollar.

I hope your weekend is well.
MJ

Dear Courtneyincali,
Both you and your friend are going through some stressful situations at the moment. In my opinion, you have already written a great message to your friend, but you posted it here instead of sending it to her. Just copy the message, paste it into an email, click "send".
Laura

Dear Courtneyincali,
Both you and your friend are going through some stressful situations at the moment. In my opinion, you have already written a great message to your friend, but you posted it here instead of sending it to her. Just copy the message, paste it into an email, click "send".
Laura
I was going to say the same thing. I think you just need to send this to her. If the wedding is going to be too stressful for you, stay out of it, but just be sure to be at the wedding and share her joyous day that way.

I think you can mend this if approached honestly.

Mart

Ditto the last two posts. She needs to know about this stuff. And please see someone about your depression, and take care of you. Find someone sensitive who will listen well (in case medication is needed) and possibly discuss Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I learned about that on this board and I've been really helped by it. Keep us posted.