Hello,
My husband has many symptoms associated with someone who has ADD. He is 28 years old. We are both very frustrated and lately he has been telling me "I can't focus during class" (he's still in college), or "I just can't get control of everything". He's always been VERY VERY disorganized but I just kind of attributed that to him being that way. Recently, we had a crisis and since then, its been even worse. I don't know how to deal with his emotional state. He tells me he loves me more than anything and I do believe him. I approached him the other night with the idea of ADD and seeing if that was a possibilty. He seemed to be offended as if I was saying something was wrong with him. I tried to tell him that I thought the things he has trouble remembering and staying organized with may not be his fault and I'm just trying to find answers.
Anyway, my question is this: How did you men make the effort to get a diagnosis? If you required convincing, what in particular convinced you to see the doctor? I know he has to make the choice on his own, but I'm worried that he feels so down on himself, that he just thinks everyone has those problems, he's just the only one who can't deal with them and make things work.
Please help.
Thank you!

Well, it's pretty simple.

He has absolutely nothing to lose by going to talk to someone that might be able to lend him some help. With nothing to lose and potential large gain - it's almost a no-brainer.

One of the things that I've noticed with ADD men is that when failing, we get upset when it's pointed out. I think it might not be so much because we're failing - but because it's a scathing indictment of our coping mechanisms. ...And that smarts right down to the bone.

I knew the way my brain worked (and didn't) before ADD was even defined. Didn't bother me too much, but circumstances have demanded that I seek medication.

Again, nothing to lose - lots to gain. He might even find out he is perfectly fine but stressed out. Just hearing that would probably bring some relief to you both and would allow you to easily build a plan around solving the problem.

Best of luck to both of you.

I sought help when I got tired of struggling. I had read all the books, taken all the courses, tried anything and everything (almost) to "fix" me and I still didn't feel like I was successful or living up to my potential.

As motorbrain said, there's nothing to lose. I was lucky in that I found a knowledgeable, understanding psychiatrist who had experience with Adult ADHD. Best thing I ever did for myself.
L.

I knew I had ADD as my son had been dx'ed and I figured I might as well get dx'ed so I could get the meds and see what they do. If I didn't like it there was nothing forcing me to take them.

Turns out I like the way I feel when medicated

I was 15 , and mum was takign me to the GP cos i was feeling sick and on the radio, they were talking baout dislexia, and i just go to mum "that isn't normal? that is how i see things". So while getting an antibiotics prescriptio nwe talked to the dr about this possibiliy and how it might be a answer to my parents questions to why i was so crap at school....... went to see someone , did a heap of tests and ADD was the outcome. So in a way, I had no idea what ADD was, but I ws the one who recognised it for my parents and so on. Mind you, my parents never said sorry for all the **** they said at me (lazy, stupid, wothless).. but oh well..

well, I knew about my "problems" back in grade school(diagnoised with LD)..so I have always had issues(school, social problems, etc)...I got diagnoised in the mid 90's cause I couldn't hold down jobs(mostly cause I was doing a career that I hated) and in-turn my relationships and girlfriends all dumped me becasue of my complaining attitude, etc...finally starting to get on track(with LD/ADD its always a struggle though, I believe more-so than if your just ADD) in my mid-30s...

Hello,
My husband has many symptoms associated with someone who has ADD. He is 28 years old. We are both very frustrated and lately he has been telling me "I can't focus during class" (he's still in college), or "I just can't get control of everything". He's always been VERY VERY disorganized but I just kind of attributed that to him being that way. Recently, we had a crisis and since then, its been even worse. I don't know how to deal with his emotional state. He tells me he loves me more than anything and I do believe him. I approached him the other night with the idea of ADD and seeing if that was a possibilty. He seemed to be offended as if I was saying something was wrong with him. I tried to tell him that I thought the things he has trouble remembering and staying organized with may not be his fault and I'm just trying to find answers.
Anyway, my question is this: How did you men make the effort to get a diagnosis? If you required convincing, what in particular convinced you to see the doctor? I know he has to make the choice on his own, but I'm worried that he feels so down on himself, that he just thinks everyone has those problems, he's just the only one who can't deal with them and make things work.
Please help.
Thank you!
He says he loves you more than anything else. Just advise him that you think it would be best in the long term if he would go and get help.

I am 28 and still in college too.:)


I was diagnosed about 11 years ago with strong ADD.
They had always thought I had a learning disability except, for the most part, I was always a bright student... just never motivated. My grandma read an article on ADD and gave it to my mom whoo took me for the testing. I have also been diagnosed with bi-polarw/ a mood disorder.

I try to go day by day.

Hey Daisies11:

Welcome to the forums.

In one form or another, I think men (not children) have to have some sort of cathartic experience before they'll seek or accept diagnosis.

I was diagnosed in college by the health service physician, who prescribed Ritalin. I liked it and it worked, but it was presented as something to help me study for midterms or finals.

I rejected the diagnosis, and denied it pretty effectively for years. Of course, I was already intimately familiar with my own brain, and how it was different. I had plenty of coping mechanisms that worked pretty well most of the time.

But back then AD/HD was referred to as 'minimal brain dysfunction', and I was a smart guy at a school full of smart people – why should I cop to that?

The answer is, because our son was struggling in school, and I could break the ice, run interference for him by taking the brunt of any negative experiences until I found a sympathetic doctor and situation.

The cathartic experience that opened the way to doing that happened one afternoon as I was mulling over Bryan's problems, and I happened to tune in Dr. Hallowell talking about his book Driven To Distraction on a local PBS interview program.

I had such a visceral reaction of recognition about what he was describing that I literally dropped to my knees. I called Kay at work immediately, and about a week later I was taking Ritalin again.

After a few glitches (because we had to involve his pediatrician), Bryan was diagnosed, started on Ritalin and later Adderall, and it made all the difference in the world.

It wouldn't have been possible to get it done so quickly if I didn't have the original diagnosis to cite to the doctor, and of course, I had to have really known what it was about all along for the whole thing to hang together. It wasn't just a story; it had to be true, and it was.

So if I knew about it for all those years, why the cathartic reaction? Because we change, and we don't realize it. Things weren't going as smoothly as they should, the coping mechanisms needed constant adjusting, or stopped being effective altogether, and like that.

After lots of years, I was still changing, and it was several more years before we serendipitously came across the explanation, which is related to how our ADDer minds store and process information. So when I heard Hallowell talking, I had this gut-connect recognition of how it had been the story of my life, in a deeply important way. You'll hear that repeated all over these forums

Your husband will have a similar moment, if given the chance. It isn't something that you can force on an individual, but if you're recognizing his difficulties, he is seeing them, too. Communication is bilateral, and you should have confidence in your own right to address what he's feeling, even if you feel he might respond poorly.

Kay has a rule, Always seek the benevolent view, especially of your self. Five years or so after Bryan was diagnosed, she began a slow cathartic process of her own, which culminated with her being diagnosed long past the age that might seem reasonable.

But reasonable or not, she's typical of a whole generation of females having/being AD/HD, and so she knows what the experience is like, both from the point of view of a wife living a reasonably normal life with an AD/HD husband and child, and as one half of an AD/HD couple.

So what's my point? If you're asking, he's assuredly seeing the same things in himself. Give him a chance, and don't back down from the conviction that you share an intimate, perhaps at times wordless, but certainly legitimate bond.

You do see him struggling. All you can do is be there for him, try to see that he's trying himself to come to terms with it, and encourage him. And if you see him fall down, try not to look too surprised.

Good luck. --Tom and Kay

I agree with whole heartedly with Tom and Kay, I was dx'd in my teens but didn't believe the doctor and did nothing to treat my ADHD until I had hit the bottom...from there anything looks better then crazy and that was my last option...simply being crazy. There is no were to go from the bottom but up.

So, keep your head up, get help and support for yourself.
Cherity

Stabile,
Nail on the head. I have a six year old son that shows the same behavior that I did at his age. I was content to move through life without being medicated at all. However, once I saw a reflection of myself in him I could not in allow him to go through the same things I did growing up.

To deliver the kind of focused attention he needed, I *had* to seek medical help. Otherwise he would have been raised as I was (Father present but not participating). I'm perfectly willing to give up my creative side and find work moving turds out of a rusty dumpster by hand - as long as my boy has chances that I didn't.

Daisies11, try to convince your SO get a diagnosis as soon as he can. While I was willing to live as I did, I can't recommend it to anyone... it's a road flooded with tears and paved with shattered hopes. I was lucky and it never broke my spirit - others haven't been so blessed.

If he's having difficulty in class (big 'ol red flag) it's not going to get easier out in the workforce. Folks that can't pay attention cost companies enormous sums of money and usually get weeded out fairly quickly. Have him take the appointment - he'll not regret it - no matter what the diagnosis.

Seems that you are getting the same answer from everyone, although their respective circumstances may vary. In short, we all took the first step because it was the right thing to do.

I certainly hope your SO feels the same way.

Best always,
Motorbrain

I'm perfectly willing to give up my creative side and find work moving turds out of a rusty dumpster by hand - as long as my boy has chances that I didn't…
Isn't it remarkable how that works? I would have never expected how naturally and unselfishly I'm willing go to any lengths for my kids.

Thanks for posting that.

Thank you to everyone who posted wonderful advice and words of wisdom for both my husband and I.

Daisies11..I think men in general have a tendency to put their health and related issues on the back burner. It seems that there is always something more important (jobs, school,..) and it's never a good time because of our schedule or work.

Sometimes we (men) seem to think, just study harder, work harder, don't make a big deal about and it'll work out. In speaking of myself, "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink". I know with myself, I am more likely to move on something if I cannot fix it myself and my frustration begins to escalate. Back to the horse, sometimes the horse won't drink the water if it knows you want it too, but it knows "It's Available". If the subject of ADD or ADHD has been talked about, he knows there's information available online and elsewhere. When we hit bottom, at some point we start to look for something to turn our life around. It always helps when we are down at our lowest point, that a kind hand helps us till we can standup again.

From your post, it sounds like your that kind of an indiviual, someone who cares enough to reach out for someone else. Stand strong.

my first steps were:

-discussing the possibility of me having it with my boyfriend who has add (this happened around 4 months ago)

- asking a doctor for a referral (this happened last week)

i have gone no further.

lack of time, money, and intense fear of i-dont-know-what and that they might not belive me.