I have never done much dating, and have never in the way of making plans to see someone regularly x amount of times a week at a pre-planned time.
I am feeling uncomfortable as the man I am seeing is into having a plan. Although we had agreed to see each other tonight, we no plans as to what we were doing. I though of it as informal as we have been seeing each other regularly for 2 months on generally the same nights at varying times depending on our schedules. Usually just being at one or anothers house.
I am uncomfortable making a plan unless we are attending a function that is a one time deal or planed something out of the ordinary. Otherwise it seems to me that one of us can call up after work and say "I am tired tonight" or I need some time to myself.
Anyway I tried that today in regards to tonight. And did I get an earfull. He did not have things he cancelled to see me, I really think my request could have been honoured without a major guilt trip. Like hours of "I don't understand". I told him I wasn't dumping him as he said he felt, I explained my feelings for him were intact etc.. as the petti conversation loomed over me for hours I questioned to myself why does this have to be such a big deal??? Then he wanted to make "PLANS" for tomorrow night, and I just don't want to after I feel wrung out. Plus I don't want to make plans when I might not feel like it as I just spent 2 hours explaining I needed to do this and that and was tired and needed time to myself.

I really am wondering how Ya' all feel about "Making Plans" I am getting a very strong aversion to it more and more as this fellow needs to have a plan. And a where is this relationship heading?
:confused: :confused: :confused
Am I missing something??

I'd love some feedback on this!
So is it a plan? ha ha: :

Janine: The making plans thing for him may be about feeling more secure in the relationship. He probably wants to make plans because he simply wants to see you and wants to know in advance that he will see you. Probably nothing wrong with that. PLUS he probably wants to know that you're interested in seeing him on a definite night. Again, I think it's a whole feeling secure issue. Also he may feel a little taken for granted if he thinks you are not willing to see him at definite times. Maybe this is more about your fear of being stuck, trapped, etc. I think this type of thing of not wanting to commit to plans can be an ADD trait. I have it too...but perhaps a compromise? Tell him you will see him on a certain night but only for a certain number of hours?

Thanks Joan,
That is what he wants a compromise, which is what I have been doing as I dislike the planning so much. I guess I will try harder.
I think I have enjoyed being alone so long, that I don't have the need for a serious relationship enough to make more plans as
teaching and mothering are constant planning. This hurts him obviously. Yet I find it very aggravating to always have a plan looming over my head during my little so called free time. It must definetly be an ADD trait, the aversion to schedules, and doing things in the same order was part of the personality type I fell under in the Jung site. I have always enjoyed not knowing what was in store for me, as I never know what I am going to feel like at the end of a day, recluse or extrovert.

well perhaps janine the aversion to schedules can be switched around a bit.even though you don't know what you will be feeling like at a certain time when you know you will be committed to doing something with someone, perhaps you can "act as if". that is pretend you feel like doing whatever it is you have preplanned, whether it is seeing your boyfriend or whatever.perhaps not allowing what you're feeling to rule your actions so much might help.and i understand resenting someone because they might take up free time which is so precious.make sure you tell him this is why its hard for you to make plans.are you sure you want to be in a relationship right now? God knows they require giving up a LOT:)

I am not sure because I have been alone so long, and that was so much simpler than having to justify myself. It is hard as that a month ago I felt that I wanted to give it my all. I didn't know him but a month then, we both jumped into it. That was before the nit-picking started. (side issue)That has turned me off of the idea. Now I am hurting his feelings that I am not wanting to see him as much.
I just do not want to do the work. I dont want to be nit-picked.
I was happy alone- I have tons of good friends. I know my limits. I had expected to stay single for awhile at least 5 more years.
Then I met him and though "this guy is great, I want to give this a whirl" Now I don't think I can make the sacrifice! I hate being judged, or someone trying to read something into what I say.
I am a blatantly honest person. He will probably read this,
which isn't much different than what I have already told him.
thanks for your replies, it helped me get in touch with myself more.

Many of us I have seen would perfer to be alone and would not get into another relationship

I am lucky as in the fact that my wife puts up with me. ( I sure as hell wouldn't have put up with what she did until I discovered the truth about ADD. I know I am very lucky to be with her and I know she is a vert smart person. But I think I have found her downfall, her bad spot. (She puts up with me) thats it , not very smart of her I dont think < grin

Seriously now I would probally not ever get into a full time relationship again as I enjoy my solitude way to much, A good friend and girlfriend -- Yes-- but a fulltime live together relationship I really doubt it.

Good news, he agreed to give more space, and to not worry about plans for awhile. It was a good talk. With a lot of understanding.
I agree I enjoy my solitude, which isn't enough at times since the relationship.
especially because I felt I needed more alone time to put the relationship into perspective. I feel a lot better.
I appreciated the comments and ideas, Thankyou !

sounds good janine.sounds like some good communication went on between the two of you as well.:)

his ability to communicate is what attracted me in the first place.
But, I have lately realised that sometimes over communication can be a burden too. Like bringing up every little insecurity without first doing your homework. That is thinking it over a bit privately.

I agree with that Janine. Sometimes if you have to "pick your battles"-- that is bring up (communicate) what's important and not every little thing. Otherwise it IS nitpicking as you say previously and that can get old really fast. I like your idea about thinking things over a bit privately first before saying something.